A/N: Hi there! So I've been thinking a lot about how I can speed this story up. There are just so many moments I want to write about for Josh and Donna, and fitting it all into this story is just making it drag. So here is my plan. I'm going to start making chapters a little less detailed and I'm going to start increasing the time jump. Some chapters will still be relatively close in time, since there is a pretty big story line coming up after the school year is over. Please be patient with me as I try to find the balance and the "voice" that I have had through the story, as those elements may be a little bumpy until I get a grasp for the new pace.

Now, for all those moments and conversations that I have to cut out. I'm going to publish "companion chapters" here and there. I will make the companion story just one story with multiple chapters instead of individual stories, that way if anyone wants to follow the companion story for all the side adventures (dates, additional conversations, nights at Cabbots, fun fluff etc) they can :) You certainly don't have to read the companion chapters, it's just the extra stuff.

Thanks so much for reading this story and being patient with me. My life is pretty chaotic right now (but in a good way!) lol.

Also, a reader had asked what "Yeledah" meant. It's an endearing term for a child (a girl) in Hebrew :)

Chapter Thirty Six: JKL

Donna cupped her mug of tea as she got comfortable on Josh's bed and began flipping through a book on local artists that Miriam had picked up for her. As her fingers traced the photos, she contemplated what she would do for the remainder of the day. Josh was at his parents house, and although Donna wished she could be there with him, she knew that he needed to be alone. Today was Joanie's birthday. She would have been 29 years old.

Last weekend, Josh had sat down with Donna and gently explained that he needed to be by himself on Joanie's birthday. She understood, and kissed Josh on the cheek before letting him know that she would support him in any way that he needed. Donna could see the pain in his eyes when he told her that his sister's birthday was the hardest day of the year for him.

So he had left for Westport late last night and it was the first night Donna spent by herself in Josh's apartment. She hated the fact that she couldn't be there for Josh today, but understood that what he needed was to be alone. Donna honoring that wish was her way of supporting Josh.

He could have left early this morning, but Josh had explained his need to have to wake up in Westport on Joanie's actual birthday, even though he didn't want to spend the extra night away from Donna. So he had spent yesterday afternoon and evening showing Donna with his body just how much he would miss her. And he promised he would show her again on Sunday when he came home.

Since she was by herself until tomorrow, Donna decided that she would spend a majority of her time painting. Josh had set up her easel in the living room, proud of the fact that he had found the spot with the best lighting. Just as Donna was buttoning up one of Josh's old shirts that she uses as a smock, she heard a knock at the door, and was delighted when she looked through the spy hole and saw Noah and Buster.

"Good morning, Noah. BUSTER!" Donna smiled at the two Lymans as she hugged Noah and bent down to hug Buster and scratch his ears.

"Good morning Donnatella. As you can see, your fan club really misses you this weekend, and so do Miriam and I, young lady. But my son, my other son," Noah paused for a moment to look at Buster before continuing. "My other son misses you the most and he's not doing so great today." Noah had a look of hopelessness that Donna had never seen before, and it was instantly breaking her heart. He was here because he was at a loss on how to help Josh, and Donna quickly made the realization that Josh's way of remembering his sister on her birthday was concerning to his parents.

"I didn't want to pry, Noah. He told me that this is what he needed to do . . . that he does it every year."

"He does, but he needs you. Miriam and I know he doesn't want you to see him like this, but he needs you. Will you please come back home to Westport with me and Buster?"

Donna didn't need even a second to make her decision. Josh needed her. "Of course I will Noah."

It wasn't lost on Donna that Noah had referred to Westport as her home, and the thought made her smile. Westport was home to her. And as much as she loved her family and her home state, Wisconsin just didn't feel like home anymore. The Lymans understood her in a way that her family never did.

0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o

Just like every year, Josh sat on his bed looking at a picture of Joanie from her 10th birthday party. And just like every year, Ave Marie played at a modest volume on his CD player and was set to repeat. His room was dark, with the exception of one small lamp that was perched on his nightstand. The soft glow was just enough light for Josh to clearly see the worn photograph clutched in his hands. He stayed like this all morning, and he would continue through the afternoon and night, just like he did every year. This was his ritual. This was his way of reflecting on his guilt and grieving his sister.

Just outside Josh's door, Noah, Miriam, Donna, and Buster stood quietly. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can do for you Noah? Miriam? I know how hard today must be for the two of you as well." Donna could see that Josh's parents were struggling too. She could see it in Noah's eyes when she opened the door to Josh's apartment and she saw it in Miriam's eyes when she walked into their home not even five minutes ago.

"Donna, dear, you being here for Joshua means more to us than we could possibly express. You are kind to ask, but Noah and I, we will be okay. We always are. Today is painful for us and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't miss our daughter, but we also know that today is even harder for Josh." Miriam hugged Donna close, hanging on for a little longer than usual. Donna would stand here and let Miriam hold her for as long as she needed. She wished there was more she could do, but knew that nothing could take away the pain that they were experiencing today.

"Josh?" Noah asked as he knocked on his son's closed door. He was met with silence, so Noah tried again. "Joshua? Son . . . I know today is hard. We want to respect your privacy, but we think we know what will help you feel better. Please trust your mom and I on this. I'm going to open the door now . . ." Noah waited for a response but heard nothing. He started to think that maybe Josh had fallen asleep, but as he slowly opened the door he saw his son's eyes travel from a picture in his hands to meet his. Noah stepped out of the way so that Donna could walk into Josh's room. And when he saw her, Josh instantly stood up.

"Donna?" His voice was a mix of confusion and wonder as he took a few steps from his bed and wrapped her in his arms. He felt a calmness wash over him as he held Donna close and breathed in her scent.

"Hi Josh," Donna whispered as she rubbed soft circles on his back. It soothed him from his pain. He took a second to look up at his dad, and a look of understanding passed between father and son.

"Thank you," Josh silently mouthed the words to his dad. Noah responded in kind with "You're welcome" as he smiled softly and quietly closed his son's door.

"I don't ever want you to think that I didn't want you here today, Donnatella." He continued to hold her close.

"I know that Josh."

"I just didn't want you to see me like this, but I'm so glad my parents knew that I needed you and that you're here. I missed you."

I missed you too Josh."

And despite a sad day, they both found happiness in the moment as they smiled at one another. Josh leaned in and gently pressed his lips to Donna's, and neither of them were surprised when their soft hello kiss turned into something deeper.

"I love you, Donna," Josh whispered as he buried his head in the crook of her neck.

"I love you, Josh." Donna's words were soft as her fingers lightly brushed through Josh's hair. They stood there in comfortable silence for minutes, just holding each other. It was exactly what Josh needed.

"I was embarrassed," Josh admitted with a half-hearted smile as he stared at the hardwood floor, his hands running up and down Donna's arms. She wrapped her arms around his waist, waiting for him to continue, knowing that it was going to take a little time for Josh to talk about this.

"I know that my yearly ritual on Joanie's birthday is unhealthy. I'm well aware of that. I'm embarrassed by how I act and that I can't seem to stop the compulsion. I didn't want you to see me like this. I NEVER want you to see me like this, Donnatella."

Donna knew that she could tell Josh that he didn't need to feel embarrassed, but that would be invalidating his feelings. This was a difficult day for him, and today embarrassment was one of the emotions he was feeling and that's okay. She knew exactly what he needed and that was support and reinforcement.

"I love you Josh and I'm here for you." She cupped his cheeks and gave him a gentle kiss on his lips. She saw a soft smile appear for a moment as he leaned his forehead to hers and took a deep breath.

"I've told you about Joanie . . . about the fire. How I got scared and ran outside while Joanie tried to put it out. But I haven't told you that I feel guilty. I feel responsible for Joanie's death. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't agonize over not grabbing her hand. How could I just run out of the house like that?" Josh's voice trailed off, but Donna heard the anguish in his question.

"You were just a little boy, Josh. That's what you're supposed to do."

"Yeah, but all I had to do was reach my hand out for hers and bring her with me. And I didn't. So now I try to cope with my guilt but on her birthday it's just too much. She loved her birthday and she doesn't get to celebrate it."

"Will you tell me about her birthdays, Josh?" Donna asked as she tugged on his hand a little bit and he followed her to his bed.

"Every year we had her favorite dinner and her favorite cake, and we would watch her favorite movie: baked macaroni and cheese, confetti cake, and The Parent Trap." Josh shared his memories as he opened his arms to Donna and she laid her head on his chest.

"One thing I remember about her cake was that it never said 'Happy Birthday Joanie' on it. It said 'Happy Birthday JKL'. She loved how her initials were in alphabetical order. She signed anything she wrote with JKL."

"That sounds like a fun birthday tradition. What was Joanie's middle name?"

"Katja."

"That's pretty."

"Mmm," Josh agreed as he gently stroked Donna's arm. "Oh and another tradition was that she liked to get dressed up in some kind of costume," he added. "We wore costumes all day. Here's a picture from her 10th birthday." Josh reached onto the nightstand and grabbed the photo he had been looking at all morning.

"I can see why she loved her birthday. I like her Little Red Riding Hood costume."

"Yeah, it was always fun. When I'm feeling sad and I miss her my mind drifts to a lot of memories from her birthdays. I don't remember too many of them, maybe just two or three."

"Josh, you can always talk to me when you're feeling sad and miss Joanie. Even if it's the middle of the night, wake me up. I'm always here for you. Since day one . . ." Donna whispered the words that he had told her the night of her birthday, when she told him about her accident. He couldn't help but kiss her fervently, all of the emotions he was feeling went into that kiss, but the most powerful one of all that he was feeling that day wasn't actually guilt, it was his love for Donna.

"Thank you. But I won't wake you up if that means you don't get eight hours of sleep Blue Eyes."

"Sure you can, because we can nap later." He couldn't help but smile at her suggestion as he leaned over and kissed her again.

"Was Ave Marie Joanie's favorite?" Donna asked quietly. Josh paused for a moment before answering. The sounds of his grief and guilt filling his mind had droned out the delicate melody that was still drifting through his room.

"Yeah. She liked music a lot. She wanted to be an orchestra conductor. I umm, I keep this on repeat and I sit in my room all day and I look at that picture I showed you. Pretty messed up isn't it?" Donna could hear the self-deprecation in his tone. She sat up and tilted her head, focusing her eyes on Josh's.

"No Josh, it isn't messed up. It's how you deal with your pain and that's okay."

"I don't want to do it anymore Donna, but I don't know how to stop."

"Can I ask you a question Josh?"

"You can ask me anything."

"What do you think will happen if you stop this yearly ritual on Joanie's birthday?"

Josh paused for a few seconds to really consider Donna's question. "I tell myself that if I don't do this ritual, then that means I am not honoring Joanie's memory and that makes me a horrible brother. I also think that if I don't do this, then my guilt will consume me."

Donna thought about Josh's answer for a moment. Her heart broke, knowing that he was in pain, and she just wanted to help him feel better.

"Is your ritual the only way to honor her memory?"

"No."

"And how do you know?"

"Because my parents honor her memory in a different way."

"So do you think you could honor her memory in a different way?"

Josh had never thought about it before. This was just the behavior that had happened naturally for him. So he stuck to it year after year, and told himself he had to honor her memory this way. But did it have to be this way? He wondered.

"Maybe."

"Can I make a suggestion?" Donna's voice was hesitant.

"Of course you can." Josh kissed her hand in encouragement. He never wanted her to feel like she needed to hesitate, even when it was a delicate conversation. This was new territory for them. This was the first time Josh was sharing his pain with Donna and she had been amazing. They really were each other's strength.

"Joanie loved her birthday. I bet she wouldn't want you to be sad and she wouldn't want you to feel guilty. Joanie would want you to be happy. How do you feel about honoring her memory by celebrating her birthday?"

Josh felt his eyes go wide as his heart rate increased; a quiet smile adorned his face. Honor his sister's memory the way she would want him to on her birthday. It was like a light went off for him. He never would have figured this out without Donna. Josh felt a sense of relief wash over him as he realized he could let go of his old ritual and replace it with something healthier and happier. The weight he had been holding for years fell off his shoulders. Josh squeezed Donna's hand with his own as he kissed her deeply.

"Yes. I would like to try that Donna." They both smiled and suddenly the dark room seemed brighter.

"Then let's go to the store Pumpkin Patch. We have a cake to bake, macaroni and cheese to make, and we need to go rent The Parent Trap."

"But not before we get dressed in our costumes, Blue Eyes. Oh and I should probably shower. I have two Mets Jerseys, baseball pants, and a few different Mets hats to choose from." They laughed happily for a moment as they climbed out of bed. Josh turned his CD player off and Donna turned on a few lights and opened the curtains before making her way to his closet.

"Thank you for being here for me today. For supporting me. I love you so much Donna, more than anything," Josh whispered into her ear as he walked up from behind and wrapped his arms around her.

"I love you Josh. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much, until I met you. Thank you for opening up to me. You don't ever have to hold back with the hard stuff. I'm always going to love you and I'm always going to support you . . . just like you do for me."

Sometimes I might need you to remind me that it's okay to ask for help when I'm struggling. I'm not very good at asking."

"I'll remind you."

0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o

Noah and Miriam were just about to make their way out of the house when they heard Josh and Donna come down the stairs with Buster close behind. It wasn't lost on either of them that the melancholy in Josh's voice from earlier had disappeared. Their son was doing better. They also understood the significance of the Mets uniforms.

"Mom? Dad? We're gonna try something different this year. Donna and I are going to celebrate Joanie's birthday and we were wondering if you would like to join us?"

Noah smiled at Miriam before looking at Josh. "I think I have a few costumes in the basement from Halloween that your mom and I could wear."

A/N: Katja Pronunciation: Kaht-yah (long 'A' sound)