(MIT office. The next day. Anna can hear the main office door opening and this triggers her to stand and migrate towards the coffees. She was always early, not just because she loved her job and not just because she enjoyed this coveted alone time with her boss but because she had always been an early riser. Being a middle child in a family of total seven people, all sharing one bathroom, Anna made a point of waking up early before everyone to get hot water, to not be at the mercy of any of her siblings' poor time management skills. Anna looks over to the path from the door to catch a glimpse of her boss. Rachel smiles brightly. Anna returns the smile. Rachel's attitude toward her is so different now. At the start Rachel treated her like an annoying overly enthusiastic stray dog, keeping her distance and openly expressing her annoyance. Now, She supposes there was some truth to Janet calling her Rachel's "lapdog" and oh what she wouldn't give to be "in" Rachel's lap.)
Rachel: Morning.
Anna: Good morning boss. (she chirps. Rachel has grown to tolerate this)
Rachel: Are you ready for a fun-filled day of crime-fighting?
Anna: Do you mean paperwork?
Rachel: Yes. (smirks)
Anna: I'm getting clever to your sarcasm.
Rachel: Janet would argue that this boring office bit is actually the most important part.
Anna: We missed you at "The Grapes" last night.
Rachel: Oh? (Rachel begins disrobing, removing her coat and scarf. She smiles and nods more thrilled than she probably should be by this comment. She wanted more than she was willing to admit out loud to be missed, liked, and popular.) I had a... a sort of family thing.
Anna: That's nice. How is your little one?
Rachel: Good. The best. (she smiles proudly) How's your wife?
Anna: Just fine. Thank you for asking.
Rachel: Speaking of family, Janet will actually not be in today. She's had a family emergency.
Anna: Oh no. Are her dau-
Rachel: Shit. (she looks up from her phone) Pardon. Sorry.
Anna: Is that Janet?
Rachel: No. Superintendent Pemberton. l've been summoned.
Anna: Oh. (she fidgets with the coffee fixings. She still felt like she was getting off too easily for not having reported Neal. Holds out Rachel's new #Girlboss mug. Rachel takes it.) Take it to go.
Rachel: Cheers.
(In the stairwell. Robin smiles as he catches up to Rachel on the stairs, his cheeks a little red from the physical exertion.)
Rachel: Careful there Grandad.
Robin: I was never called to the office as a student. Now, twice in one week. Maybe you are a bad influence.
Rachel: I tried to tell ya. (He laughs. He races ahead of her by a few steps and opens the d' or for her. She smiles and raises her eyebrows.) If we had met in school you would not have been this nice to me.
Robin: Yes, I would have. Not just because you're so pretty but because I try to be nice, as a rule, to everyone. Unless, ya know, they're scumbags.
Rachel: Right. (They reach Will's open office door at the same time and Robin waits to all-w her again to enter first. In the office is just Will, no HR, no PCC, no Chief Conan. Rachel breaths a small sigh of relief.)
Robin: Good morning Superintendent.
Will: Good morning. (They both take a seat in front of him. Will waits a moment allowing Rachel a second to also greet him but she seems preoccupied. She sips her coffee and checks out the New DCl.) Thank you both for getting here so quickly. I won't keep you too long but there have been a few more personnel changes that will be affecting you and the rest of your teams. DCI Dan Melligan, after investigation was indeed found guilty of the data protection and police evidence code 26.5.
Robin: (incredulously) What? Seriously? A DCl? Wow. Just... (he puts up his hand to excuse his outburst clearly the only one who is surprised by this level of corruption.) I just can't believe a DCl. I mean what a dickhead. (Will's eyebrows raise and Rachel chuckles.) I'm sorry for the language but-
Rachel: No, I think dickhead is the appropriate word. (Will can see she's smitten with Robin. Her eyes said 'game on' and Will knew this because he remembers when that look was aimed at him.)
Will: He has been terminated and arrested. He's facing charges on those accounts as well as a new investigation being opened up on him last night. This leaves his syndicate without a DCl so you both may be called upon to help their Sargent who is now Acting Detective Inspector. If you could both make a point to stop in their office, speak with the ADI, show your support.
Robin: Of course.
Rachel: Certainly. What's their name? (Will looks at his notes)
Will: ADI Christopher Morgan. (Rachel scribbles this in her portfolio.) Excellent. That's all I have for you. (Both Robin and Rachel shift ready to leave.) Rach. (Rachel stops mid-stand, surprised at his informal use of her name. They weren't friends.) Stay behind for a second. (she releases herself back into her chair.)
Robin: (jokingly) Uh oh. (Will's face is not amused and neither is Rachel's, maybe he read their vibe wrong. He slinks to the door.) Door open? Or closed?
Will: Closed. (Rachel shifts in her seat. It sounds like maybe she really was in trouble. Will waits a few minutes after the door closes to finally look at Rachel who is uneasy.) I just wanted, as your superior officer and hopefully your mate. I wanted to warn you.
Rachel: Warn me?
Will: Yes, with all of these terminations and suspensions and disciplinaries, you've got aIot of enemies.
Rachel: Enemies?
Will: Yes.
Rachel: I've done nothing wrong. Everyone who suffered any consequence were people who were thoroughly investigated and found guilty. That's nothing to do with me.
Will: Well, I suppose you can try to explain that to any of them. (Rachel's face blushes red. If only a few people knew about her situation before this, now there is a string of families, careers and individuals whose lives are completely changed. All because she was forced to give a blow job.) I just wanted to tell you so that you can tread carefully. Be careful of who you choose to associate with outside of work. I know that you've had trouble with this in the past. (Rachel bows her head.) If you need to talk, I'm here.
Rachel: I've actually put in for an hour extra off lunch today so that I can see my therapist.
Will: Good, good. So that's going better than the last time I suppose?
Rachel: Yes. Thank you. (Will fiddles with his pen. She was not dropping her professional face. There was nothing of that shy but beautiful smile he remembers waking up next to in bed.)
Will: Right.
Rachel: Ok.
Will: You should also know that Janet, I know you granted her time off to be with Adam at the Hospital. However, no sick or personal time is going to be approved because she's being suspended.
Rachel: Suspended? Why? She didn't know anything about the recording being distributed.
Will: No, She didn't. She's being suspended and investigated in connection to the DCI Melligan investigation. Did you know that they were having an affair?
Rachel: I had my suspicions but no. She never told me that they were involved.
Will: It seems like "Not disclosing" relationships is something you both have in common. (she blushes again being reminded of her past indiscretion.) Did you know that her fiance Adam Wells was assaulted last night?
Rachel:(covers her mouth clearly shocked) No!
Will: Allegedly, Daniel Melligan went to the Scott residence to confront her about their breakup and his loss of job. He found Adam there alone. He got into an altercation with Adam and that triggered the stress of another heart attack.
Rachel: Dear god. Poor Adam.
Will: She's being investigated to see-
Rachel: She couldn't have anything to do with it. She loves Adam. Melligan is a hot-head and everyone knows it. He's got a temper. In his macho-idiot brain, he couldn't stand losing out to another man. She would never.
Will: Personally, knowing Janet, I don't think so. But in light of all the officers who have been less than honorable an investigation must be opened.
Rachel: Am I allowed to phone her? To ask- (Will shakes his head 'no' and Rachel stops with her question. She knew before she asked that the answer was ago. She herself had been on the other end of these internal investigations. She knew legally she wasn't allowed to be in touch with anyone. Even when she was under investigation for Nick, Janet risked joining her at a cafe for tea. So Rachel would find a way to stay in touch.) Is that everything?
Will: Yes.
Rachel: Ok. (she gathers her things.)
(A few hours later, before heading to therapy Rachel calls the hospital, and despite her introducing herself as a Detective Chief Inspector, they wouldn't give her any information on Adam's condition. Normally she could introduce herself using her official title and without false pretenses, or ever implying she was entitled to anything, people would freely offer her information. Now Rachel sits in front of her therapist with her hands folded in her lap.)
Therapist: (sits forward after having taken a long pause? I'm going to say this and I don't intend for it to be patronizing in any way. Ok? (Rachel nods) I am very proud of you. You opening up to Gill is massive. It's growth and it was very brave of you. (Rachel does her best to fight against a smile.) How do you feel? Having done it? Are you proud?
Rachel: A bit embarrassed. Um, you know, you sort of put that stuff outside of your mind as much as possible, and literally for me so far as completely repressing them. And... (she rubs her sweaty palm on her trousers) It's sort of one thing opening up in here about it. Because this is a safe space. What I say in here, it's a bit like a void. Separate from the rest of the world and me life. But saying it to Gill? Someone, I, god. I was like Anna a bit. I nearly bloody worshipped the ground Gill walked on. I was in awe of her. I literally still am sometimes, especially now that I'm getting to know her properly. I just, yeah, I'm embarrassed. I mean even though she thanked me for telling her, part of me wishes I could time travel back and just pull the knife out of my hand and keep my mouth fucking shut.
Therapist: You've made a huge step Rachel. You said your'e getting to know her properly. Without opening up a little about yourself how is she meant to know you?
Rachel: But why? Why is it necessary to share that stuff? Why should I put my shit on her? Why should she have to suffer through stories about my Dad beating me or how it wasn't much better when Mum was there? Why can't she just know the good bits?
Therapist: Don't you want someone to know all of you? To know, and like and love, all of you? The good parts and the hurt parts?
Rachel: Once, me Dad, he knocked me out. Like actually unconscious, lights out. I don't know how long for. I just know when I came to, Allison had a warm cloth and she was wiping the blood off my lip. And she just, she joked and said "Oh yeah, now you wake up. Now that the carpets been cleaned." (Rachel laughs) And that's it. That's what we do. It's what I do. We don't dwaddle in it. We just move on-
Therapist: Except you haven't actually moved on. And you can't. Not until you address the stuff you lived through. Sometimes we come up with ways of coping that in the moment, help us get through it. Sort of like if you were to hurt your left foot. For awhile you might shift your weight to the right. Well, eventually the pain in your left foot will go and it'll just be a bad memory. But in effort to take the weight off, what you've done is created an imbalance. You've actually put unnecessary pressure on, say, your right knee or even knackered your back. Simply because you wanted to avoid the painful bit. Avoiding the bad stuff, even if it seems to just go away, in the long run, is just not a healthy solution.
Rachel:(thinks for awhile) What about Sean?
Therapist: What about him?
Rachel: He knew me. He knew all the bad bits and all the good bits. That didn't do me any good. He still wasn't able to love me. I mean, I guess he did love me, in his way, but not, not properly. He didn't love me proper. So, isn't that like, proof of the opposite? That I don't have to open up about it because it IS a bit much. Most people wouldn't want to know and if anything it just makes it harder.
Therapist: Makes what harder?
Rachel: Liking, or loving me.
Therapist: Rachel, you are not the only one with shit. (Rachel smirks) I mean, I make my living on helping people deal with their shit. So no. It does not make it harder. We talked about Sean, remember? You're romanticizing him again.
Rachel: (nods and winks one eye shot as she recalls some of the therapist's insight.) Sean was an escape from home. He was my first. He was the only source of affection for years. So when things went tits up in my life and he showed up again, I romanticized what he was to me.
Therapist: Sean didn't respect you. He may have known everything about you but he either didn't have the capacity to properly care and help you cope or it is as I thought and he used his influence and the trust you gave him to suit his needs. From what you told me, Sean rarely addressed any negative feelings or conflicts you might have. If anything came up he tried to shag it away. (Rachel nods.) So no, Rachel, I don't think Sean is a good example. please don't revert back to bottling it up because you think that's what happens when people know the real you. You opened up to Gill, someone you trust and clearly cares about you. Let that be the stepping stone, let that be your reference point and groundwork. When people care about you, that's what opening up should be like. You should feel safe doing it. Do you feel safe? Does Gill still care about you?
Rachel: Yes, probably more deeply than I'd ever thought she would but I still feel a bit embarrassed. I don't like people knowing that. My Dad is dead, and if I'm the only one who remembers, then, did it even bloody happen? It's like the tree falling in the woods. No one heard it. So, did it make a sound and more importantly who cares if it did? All that matters is you've got firewood now, right?
Therapist: (sighs at her circular thoughts) No. It does matter. You matter and what happened to you matters. It's part of why you're you. And you should be very proud of all you've become. (Rachel nods and rubs her palms together as she does her best to mentally co-sign this positive-way of thinking. She supposes this is why therapy was called a 'practice' because it took lots of it to get her to let this new positive way of thinking to sink in.)
Rachel: I, uh, was meant to go on a date later.
Therapist: A date? We haven't even mentioned a new possible interest. Who? How? When?
Rachel: I mean, I don't know if it was really a date. We just said drinks.
Therapist: Ok, but you want it to be a date? (Rachel shrugs.)
Rachel: I don't know. I fancy him. He's... (she squints attempting to think of another word but can't.) He's nice to me.
Therapist: Ok.
Rachel: He's actually the, uh, the DCl who reported the leak and distribution of my recording.
Therapist: Oh?
Rachel: It was sent to him in a text. He listened to it, and he uh, he saw the photos but he reported it and he's not been weird about any of it. He, well I only met him twice before but his attitude didn't change. He, he even sort of hesitated to tell me that he was the one to report it.. So, I don't think he was looking for any reward. He said we can just be mates. So maybe that's all he wants. Probably. I mean he did say I was pretty today. But, I dunno. I'm probably kidding myself. I just can't stop picturing myself on top of him.
Therapist: That is a ton of new information. So let's break this down. He called you pretty? (Rachel nods)
Rachel: And he invited me out for drinks. And he bought me pizza.
Therapist: Tell me more about this "reward". You used that word. What did you mean by that?
Rachel: Just that, he did this good thing, this nice thing, the right thing and he wasn't looking for anything for it. He didn't even seem like he wanted to tell me it was him. I think he only did it for the sake of disclosure. But that was all. He wasn't cheeky about it. He wasn't expecting anything. Like Nick, "Oh, I took you out I spent X amount of pounds on you, bought you something posh so now you should blow me." He didn't seem to expect anything. He just did a nice thing because I guess he's a nice person.
Therapist: And why don't you think this is a date?
Rachel: He said we could be mates. He didn't go for a snog after the pizza. We were literally in my office, alone after hours and he did not once try anything or even make a suggestion.
Therapist: So what did you do?
Rachel: We just talked. We had a laugh. We ate pizza. (she smiles and the therapist sees the dreamy eyed school girl, that she probably would have been if those years of her life weren't solely focused on survival.)
Therapist: So you like him? (Rachel nods) And you would like it to be a date?
Rachel: Sort of. But I dunno, another part of me just says fuck it. Shag him. Get it out of your system and be done with it.
Therapist: Be done with what?
Rachel: This feeling. This stupid, sort of, champagne, bubbles in my stomach feeling.
Therapist: You've got butterflies.
Rachel: So what you're saying is I should go home and drink a bottle of insecticide?
Therapist: Rachel, I know you're joking but jokes about self-harm are absolutely not ok. If you keep this up and that (she gestures to Rachel's bandaged hand which Rachel quickly hides in her lap.) I'll have to file a serious report. Do you understand?
Rachel: Yes. Sorry. It was just a joke.
Therapist: Do you have any plans to harm yourself?
Rachel: No, sorry.
Therapist: Have you had suicidal thoughts? If so, how frequent?
Rachel: No. I really was just having a laugh.
Therapist: Ok. I know.
Rachel: I just want to kill the hypothetical butterflies.
Therapist: Most people love that feeling. I want you to explore it. Don't kill the butterflies. Treat yourself as you would them. Show me how you would hold a butterfly if you caught one in your hands. (Rachel raises an eyebrow but trusts her therapist. She holds her arms out in front of her and cups her hand carefully over her other.) Good. Now pretend like you're showing me the butterfly. (Rachel opens her hands slightly and then keeps them cupped.) Good. Now tell me Rachel, why do you have your hand cupped like that?
Rachel: You just fucking told me to-
Therapist: Yes, why in this scenario did you cup your hand?
Rachel: So I wouldn 't crush the bloody fake butterfly.
Therapist: You were careful not to hurt it. Delicate with it. And when I asked you to show me. You only opened your hands a little bit. Why is that?
Rachel: Because, (a little annoyed by the pretend) if it were real I wouldn't want the thing to fly off.
Therapist: Would you keep the butterfly? Kill it? Or release it?
Rachel: I'd let it go after a bit obviously. I'm not cruel.
Therapist: Think of yourself as the butterfly. Be careful with yourself. Try to be gentler. You haven't got to open your hands and let anyone see your butterfly even if they know you have it. Even if you told them. Open up just like you've done, slowly, only in little bits, share with people you trust. And then one day you'll be as free as the butterfly.
Rachel: (laughs) What?
(At the hospital. Janet sits beside Adam. She holds his hand in both of hers. His eyes have fluttered open a few times but he's in a medically induced coma. His face is badly bruised and she's been informed by the officers from the night before that Melligan has been arrested. She wipes a few tears. Her back ached from sitting in this chair by his bedside most of the night. There is a clicking of heels heard in the hospital hallway. Janet looks up from Adam expecting to watch whoever it is walk by. Instead the heels click right into the room. Janet has only met Adam's daughter in person once. Otherwise she has waved on facetime to her and made small talk when Adam would run to the Loo. This was not the friendly face she was used to seeing.)
Janet: Rose. (Adam's daughter cries at the sight of her father's bruised face and fragile body) Sorry that I didn't phone you sooner.
Rose: What d'you mean? You haven't phoned me at all. The police contacted me.
Janet: I'm so sorry that's how you've heard. He's stabilized but-
Rose: I'd like for you to leave.
Janet: What?
Rose: The officer told me my dad- (her voice cracks behind her emotion) He was beaten up by your boyfriend. You were cheating on him.
Janet: (is shocked that the first time she's truly being confronted about her infidelity is not even from her fiance. However this teary red-faced woman folds her arms and waits for an answer.) I'm sorry.
Rose: I want you to go!
Janet: Rose, I love your Dad.
Rose: How could you? He wants to marry you and-(Rose covers her face and lets her tears flow.) My Dad is the sweetest man in the world. He wouldn't hurt a mouse! I literally watched him, day in and day out sitting by my Mum's bedside until she passed. We used to have to remind him to take tea for himself. That, THAT was love. Proper love.
Janet: I'm so sorry. I really do love him. I broke it off with my-
Rose: He put so much bloody effort into that engagement-do. To make it special because when he asked me for my blessing he told me that he hasn't loved anyone like he loved my Mum until you. And now look. Look what's happened to him.
Janet: The man who did this. He's been-
Rose: I know he's been arrested. But this is your fault. You slept with that man. You lied to my Dad. You took advantage of how kind he is and I want you to leave. Now.
Janet: When he wakes up, I can explain to him-
Rose: If you don't leave I'm going to call security. (Janet's eyes well with tears. She kisses Adam's limp hand. She stands and gathers her things.)
Janet: Please, I need to know how he is. Will you please update me on-
Rose: When he gets better, if he wants to speak to you ever again then I'll leave it to him to reach out.
Janet: You won 't even call me when he wakes up?
Rose: As far as I'm concerned Janet, you are nothing but a bad memory now. I absolutely will not contact you. You lost all rights to my Dad as soon as you slept with that vicious thug of a boyfriend. So no, Janet, I will not be calling you.
Janet: You can't do this. In a few days he was going to be my husband.
Rose: In a few days he'll be home with me, recovering. I'm his next of kin and in a few more days, until the trial, you'll be no one to him. (Janet wipes her tears and leaves the room. She can't believe she's just gone from getting married, to being close enough to Adam that she could monitor his heart rate, to effectively being shut out. Janet goes to the nurse station.)
Janet: (pulls her MMP Sargent card from her nurse) When he wakes up. Please give me a bell. (the nurse looks down at her credentials then back to Janet without giving a verbal or physical confirmation of any kind. Janet has to accept this. If the nurse did as she asked she would be breaking protocol. So obviously there could be no "outward" show of her willingness to share patient information. Janet was just going to have to hope the nurse had been endeared to her by her obvious display of devotion to Adam, sitting bedside with him for hours. Janet leaves.)
(MIT office. A few hours later.)
Rachel: (enters the Loo.) Anna. (Anna is mid piss when she hears her boss' voice and for a second her flow completely stops. She holds her breath.)
Anna: Yes boss.
Rachel: I thought I saw you head this way. (Anna wipes and flushes as quickly as she can and exits the stall with rosy cheeks. Rachel wasn't sure exactly why Anna seemed embarrassed. She was pissing. People piss and this is the right place to do that. Anna goes to the sink as her boss leans her back cooly against the tiled wall.) Despite how humiliating the entire video leak has been, one good thing, one silver lining, is at least I know who I can really trust. (Anna swallows. Was Rachel about to tell her she'd lost her trust?) Janet has been suspended.
Anna: (eyes widen) Because of the video?
Rachel: No. God no. She's my best mate.
Anna: Right.
Rachel: No, over something completely else. When I get everyone in the briefing room, I've got to tell them and I hate that I've gotta, sort of give out personal information about her, but it pertains to an impending investigation. I feel like I'm talking behind her back. (Anna frowns at how vexed Rachel seems by this breach of loyalty. Anna knew, and was oftentimes the target audience of anytime Janet wanted to vent about Rachel. There were things, personal things, Anna knew about Rachel simply from Janet spouting off in the loos or in the car or at the Grapes.)
Anna: Well, if it's for a case. She'd understand. The job comes first.
Rachel: I hate when she's off work. There's no one else to talk to.
Anna: Gee, thanks
Rachel: There's only so much I can talk about with you without teetering on the line of inappropriate.
Anna: I'm not easily offended. Try me.
Rachel: Let's not.
Anna: C' mon. You just said you can trust me. This is a one way gossip street. What is said in the loo stays in the loo.
Rachel: (thinks about this and decides she does trust Anna. She smirks.) I went to see my therapist at lunch.
Anna: Yeah. (Anna contains her excitement, finally feeling she's reached an inner realm.)
Rachel: I reckon she tried to have "the talk" with me.
Anna: What talk?
Rachel: The talk. Like, I dunno if parents do this in real life or if it's just on the telly but she tried to give me the "Birds and Bees" talk. (Anna laughs) But in her scenario it were a butterfly.
Anna: Ok.
Rachel: She said not to show my butterfly to just anyone. I reckon she thinks l'm a slag- I really thought we were getting on.
Anna: I've never heard it with butterflies.
Rachel: It's an odd thing, innit? Therapy. It's a sort of false security. You can be open and vulnerable and share things with this person, who you know literally nothing about, apart from their credentials. And they're getting a wage to sit there and listen to you waffle on. But up until today, I didn't really think about it. I was under the assumption that my therapist liked me. And that's just mad, innit? Because, no doubt this person is completely neutral and couldn't give a toss about me.
Anna: I reckon to be a doctor of any sort you've got to care a bit. So, maybe that's not completely true.
Rachel: I'm just, I guess I'm a bit upset that she thinks I'm a slag. How are you meant to help someone be better if you think poorly of them?
Anna: She didn't actually call you a slag though, did she?
Rachel: In so many words.
Anna: What were the words?
Rachel: The butterfly nonsense.
Anna: What did she say about butterflies exactly?
Rachel: Well I told her I might fancy someone.
Anna: Oh?
Rachel: I swear to god. If this conversation is repeated outside of the loo, I will make you regret every day you work here.
Anna: Promise.
Rachel: So, I told her I might fancy someone and then she said I've got butterflies and I joked that I should kill them and she said "Be gentle with the butterfly and be careful who I share it with." Like, use a condom.
Anna: (laughs) Really? That's what she said?
Rachel: Yeah, except the condom bit. I added that in summation .
Anna: (laughs again but stops when she sees Rachel's eyes narrow and her posture straighten.) Sorry, I'm- I swear boss, I absolutely am not laughing at you.
Rachel: Then what are you laughing at?
Anna: (straightens herself up. She realizes she was standing very casually as if she were chatting with a friend instead of a superior officer.) I just think you've had a mis understanding. If that's what your therapist said I think you may've just got the wrong end of the stick.
Rachel: So, you don't think she was implying I'm a slag and need to practice safe sex?
Anna: (takes in a deep breath. She really wanted to giggle some more. She'd listened to Janet gripe about Rachel and heard her say "When it comes to personal things, she's thick, daft, dozy." But Anna has only ever witnessed Rachel's brilliance in the job. She's never been trusted at such a high level before, to see Rachel's vulnerability, and it's hard for her to not find amusing how cute her boss is when she's clueless.) No, I think she was simply saying be careful who you fancy. Be cautious of who you share those emotions or butterflies with. Because those feelings are fun and beautiful but if you're not careful, just like with a butterfly, the wings could be crushed and it'll be all over.
Rachel: Bollocks.
Anna: That's just what I get from it.
Rachel: I prefer my therapy sans insect analogies.
Anna: (smiles) I get butterflies everytime I see the woman I fancy.
Rachel: That feeling in your stomach?
Anna: Yes.
Rachel: I hate it. (Anna laughs) What do you do to deal with it? Get it to go away?
Anna: I haven't found a cure yet. But it's a nice feeling, reminds you you're alive and there are good things in the world. Why do you hate it?
Rachel: For those exact reasons! And because I can't bloody control 's nothing to do about it. I can't pop a Xanax and chug some paracetamol to get over it.
Anna: Have you tried telling the person you fancy how you feel?
Rachel: (goofily mocks) "Hiya, yeah, uh, I fancy you and I want to shag your brains out!" (Anna blushes and both women laugh.) Maybe if I said it like that he'd laugh. (Anna's heart sinks for a second hearing the 'he' pronoun.) And then if he's not into it. I can laugh it off as a joke.
Anna: That can't be your best pickup line.
Rachel: I dunno. Usually blokes chat me up. I've never had to sort of make the first move. My first ever boyfriend, we were mates before we dated so it was a natural progression of things. Nick, we met outside the courthouse. He was just coming out of winning a huge case. I was CID on the next case, back when I still worked sex crimes. Kevin, worked here, so we were mates. All the blokes in between were from pubs or one offs. I don't reckon I've had this feeling before because, it's like a proper first date. I went on dates with Nick all the time but the first time we were out it was at the pub, same day that we met and it was a big group all celebrating the court victory. So, there wasn't this pressure. This sort of I-might-chuck-up-my-lunch-at-any-moment-feeling.
Anna: Are you going on a date?
Rachel: I think.
Anna: But you're not sure? (Rachel shrugs and twirls her mobile in her hands.) In a butterfly type of way?
Rachel: What?
Anna: Maybe you've misunderstood?
Rachel: He asked to take me out for a drink. And he just text saying that he wants to go somewhere other than 'the Grapes' that makes me think maybe it's not just drinks with the team as usual.
Anna: Well that's exciting!
Rachel: No, you're meant to say "Oh, he probably wants to go there because they keep his favorite cider on draft.'' And that I'm reading too much into it.
Anna: (smiles) No, it sounds like he fancies you.
Rachel: (puts a hand on her head) God. Should, I, should I go home and change beforehand?
Anna: (laughs) No, you look great. Really beautiful.
Rachel: (looks in the mirror at her makeup job) Are you sure? (she flips her hair some, attempting to give it more body.)
Anna: I'm sure.
Rachel: Cheers Anna.
Anna: I'm happy to be of service as your substitute Janet.
Rachel: (begins leaving the loos but stops at the door.) Have you thought about doing your exams?
(At Tasie, Sam and Dorothy's house. Janet sits on the settee by Dorothy who rubs her daughters back. Janet's eyes are red from crying, tissues are crumpled on the cushions beside her.)
Tasie: (returns with a quiet baby who is now calm at the end of a warm bottle.) I just text her -
Janet: (eyes widen and she sits up tissue to her red nose.) You what?
Tasie: I text Rose. This is mad! She can't keep you from him.
Janet: What did you say?
Tasie: Exactly that. That she's lost her mind if she thinks just because this is his second heart attack in a year that it has anything to do with you. And that she needs to let you see him!
Dorothy: Tasie's right. I know you left out of respect for their relationship. She's his only and he's her only living parent so of course she's protective. But you have your rights as his fiance. (Tasie's phone beeps. She reads and then another beep Tasie's face screws up with fury.)
Janet: What-
Tasie: (hands her mobile to her grandmother and rocks her daughter.) You're not telling us everything. (Dorothy gasps at the photo.)
Dorothy: What happened to him? Adam, oh his poor handsome face.
Tasie: If you read the text above, it says to ask Mum who did that to Adam. (Janet locks eyes with her now suspicious and angry daughter.)
Dorothy: Janet? Do you know who did this? (Janet looks to her mother's still sympathetic gaze and then down at the photo. Adam's bruises looked so much worse in the lighting of the photo and the hospital gown did not help. Janet gives way to a fresh flood of tears. Dorothy embraces her again.) Darling love, it'll be ok. Shhh, Shhh. (she pats Janet's head. attempting to calm her.)
Tasie: Do you know who did that to him Mum? What is she talking about?
Janet: A man I work with, he, he wanted to, well he made advances towards me and I turned him down. And he came 'round mine, when I was out and took it out on Adam.
Dorothy: But that's not your fault.
Janet: Well she thinks I was having it on with him.
Tasie: Were you? Certainly wouIdn't be the first time you fucked over a decent bloke.
Dorothy: Tasie! Language!
Tasie: You were, weren't you? (Tasie paces) Last time this happened, right before Rach called to say you were at the hospital, I had got a text from Adam asking if you'd just been texting me. I thought it was a weird question. I said 'No-Y?' And then next thing I know he's had a heart attack. You've been cheating on him. Just like you cheated on me Dad. Aren't ya? Haven't ya? Just admit it!
Janet: Tasie calm down.
Tasie: Admit it. You've been having an affair again!
Janet: Alright, so I have. But I called it off- (Dorothy covers her face in disappointment.)
Tasie: He suspected it. Had his first heart your bit on the side goes to scrap with him and he has another! You are literally endangering this man's life because you can't keep your knickers up.
Janet: Tasie, you don't understand.
Tasie: No! I do understand. Maybe I couldn't understand everything between you and Dad and what it's like to be married for years and raising teenagers. But this Mum, this is fairly cut and dry. Adam, a super sweet man who bloody adores you, asked you to marry him ,and you fucking fucked someone else.
Dorothy: Please Tasie! Language!
Tasie: No, Rose knows this? I don't blame her at all for showing you the door. I can barely stomach the sight of you. (Tasie storms out of the room with her daughter. Janet's eyes fill with tears and she looks to Dorothy.)
Dorothy: Oh dear, love. You've really made a mess of this. Haven't you?