Lose You to Love Me

by ismamora07

It wasn't always like this: destructive. Follow Riley's and Lucas' journey through a toxic relationship. Rucas. AU.

25. 24: it's goodbye, it's goodbye for us

A/N: I can't believe the day finally came! Today, the finale of LYTLM is out for all of you to read! YAY! This journey was extremely long and frustrating for some of y'all, but my intention, from the very beginning, was to capture a toxic relationship as realistic and authentically as possible. I wanted this to be frustrating and exhausting because that's exactly what toxicity feels like. As outsiders looking in we see all the signs, but people in toxic relationships often don't. I hope you'll ALWAYS remember that.

Before we continue, I'd like to give a special thanks to Katy Kear. She's my FanFiction BFF who stuck with me and contributed to this story from the very beginning. She was there when I came up with the idea for LYTLM on October 27th, 2019, and when I finished writing this story just a few days ago. So a special shoutout to her.

I can't express the gratitude I feel. I think that LYTLM is one of the best stories I've ever written. I wanted this story to be realistic, that was my intention from the very beginning and it shaped the plot and ending of the story. Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much for reading and for reviewing. This is a story I will always cherish.

Guest: Sorry, Riarkle was never planned for a story like this but I get why you ship them together. As for Zay, it is pretty sad. The girl he liked for so long finally started to like him too, but his feelings had passed.

Guest: I knew from the beginning that there needed to be some form of justice in this story. I didn't want to write a story that didn't have a happy ending, especially in a story like this. I wanted to show you that recovery from something as consuming as this is possible. However, I hope the justice I felt was appropriate is one you guys will like as well. And of course, some Joshaya is needed.

Hey: Good riddance indeed! And facts on facts on facts! Everything in your review was spot on, I AM SO PROUD! Thank you for reviewing, you're so wise and understanding!

Guest: Wow, your knowledge. But my intention was never to base their personality off of their astrology signs, I wrote them the way I wanted to, and if they didn't match then oh well. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

Sad: I wanted Zay to be a fallen angel in this story. He was there for Riley when she needed it, but unfortunately he moved on. I wanted it to sting a little. Toxic relationships can ruin a lot of things for people and I'm so glad you understood his decision, it means a lot to me. It's so important for Riley to take time to herself and to focus on what she had to go through so that it doesn't happen again. I hope reading this story helped you learned something and that the finale lives up to your expectations.

A note to anyone that has ever reviewed LYTLM: I owe you guys a big thank you, honestly. A lot of you and I mean it, a lot of you knew where this story was heading and knew just what to say. I'm so glad I was able to write to an audience of people who sympathized with Riley and understood what she was going through. (And to an audience who also shaded and dragged Lucas left and right for his decisions). I felt like I was leaning a lot from you guys as I read the reviews and I cheered every time someone said something I was thinking and something that was happening on later chapters. It has to be one of the best feelings about being a writer. When your readers know your story on a level you, the writer, do. Your intelligence and love for astrology amazes me and I wanted you all to know.

Enjoy the finale of Lose You to Love Me!

Chapter 24

Lose You to Love Me

ooo

Lucas was angry.

He'd never been as angry as he was today. He was angry at Riley for breaking up with him and giving him a lame-ass excuse about wanting better for each other. He was mad at her for not trying to make their relationship work out like they had countless times before. He was mad that she had made up her mind so quickly and he was left to deal with the aftermath of emotions her decision had caused.

He was mad for not saying anything before. He was mad at himself for letting the previous times she had done something similar pass so quickly. He had noticed that Riley rarely tried to correct the errors of her ways when she was angry and upset, she didn't like to address the reason. She just walked away from it and ignored him for days and he hated it every time.

It drove him crazy and it upset him more than he liked.

And he was mad he let it happen so often.

He found himself wanting to punch things in his room, he felt like crying and screaming and he hated her for having this much influence over him. He'd been down this road many times before and he was tired of it.

So, this time around, as he stared at the mirror he had punched, Lucas told himself he wasn't going to sit around and cry. He wasn't going to let Riley have this much power and influence over him.

And consequently, everything he was sure about changed. He started second-guessing all the decisions in his life like his career choice, his education, his grades, and his feelings.

He was back to his old ways in a matter of minutes.

Over the next few days, he had become the worst version of himself, lashing out at his friends, letting his grades slip, and getting high occasionally. He talked back to his teachers, pretended he didn't care about anything, ignored Riley in the hallways, flirted with girls left and right, and hooked up with them to distract himself from what he truly felt.

He was upset, mad, hateful, sad, sensitive, broken, and lost.

But behind it all, Lucas hated himself. He was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

Those were his decisions, those were his mistakes. He had no one to blame for his unhappiness beside himself. Even though Riley and Lucas fought and said terrible things to each other, he knew it was because they loved each other deeply. And even though they pressed each other's buttons and reached a breaking point in their relationship, he didn't want to break up with her.

He never expected it would ever come to that. He thought they were going to marry and continue their cycle, but at least they'd be in love and tied to each other. They'd start a family, divorce a few times, remarry, and probably cheat on each other, but he ready to go down that road if it meant loving her.

He loved her so much he had prepared for the worst.

Riley had been the glue in his life, she had built walls in his life that supported him in every way. And without Riley, his life was chaos and uncertainty, with Riley in it, there was balance and order; and love.

So he knew what to do.

Over the next week, Lucas tried to call and reconcile. He called a total of 36 times, leaving her numerous drunk voicemails, a handful of text messages, and tried to get her to answer her door at least 12 times.

All of which he was granted the same response - complete silence - and nothing but.

He was aware that her friends knew about what went on behind the scenes, he knew it the moment they unfollowed him on every social media platform. Which meant he couldn't use them to get to Riley, making every one of his efforts completely useless.

He would have to start from the bottom and that was getting Riley to talk to him, which would be the hardest of them all as she was stubborn.

Although Riley had broken up with him and wanted nothing to do with him, Lucas still loved her. He still wanted her in his life and losing her was his biggest fear.

Thinking of ways they could get back together, Lucas started thinking about all the negativity in their relationship. He was aware they didn't exactly have the best relationship in the face of the planet, and he didn't always turn a blind eye to it, but he always felt that their love for each other would keep them from breaking up. No matter the argument, no matter the result - angry or not - Lucas would've never broken up with Riley. He loved her.

Their arguments were difficult, he knew that. It hadn't mattered that they were in her bedroom or his car. There had been no decision process and no thought to consequence; only the bottomless need to hurt each other. He was guilty of it many times. He searched for ways to hurt her feelings, but it was never to the extent Riley took it. He just wanted to make her mad, Riley searched for ways to hurt his feelings and make him cry - which she had been successful at all the time.

But he was able to recognize that so much of this could've been avoided if only he had made different choices, better choices. Sure he was jealous and possessive, but he loved her. He just wished he handled things differently.

Riley didn't talk to him after that. She ignored him as expected and it hurt him, he just never showed it. His friends applauded him for getting over the break up pretty quickly and in a matter of days, Lucas went to a strip club for the first time. He needed a distraction and that's what girls became to him.

But after a while, drinking, smoking, and hooking up with random girls couldn't replace his feelings. He was often thinking of Riley when he was with other girls.

He began to wonder if asking for forgiveness would make him feel better about himself.

Though it had been a month since he'd had a reason to climb Riley's fire escape, he still found his way there effortlessly. He stared at her window for a few seconds wondering if he was making the right choice, if he climbed up the ladder he'd be setting himself up for failure and heartbreak and he wasn't sure if that was something he needed. He wanted to find solace or forgiveness, but at the same time, he wanted to be with her again. He missed her deeply and every day that went by where he couldn't touch or kiss her felt like he wasn't living his life to its potential. He needed a Riley in his life to function and it scared him thinking he'd never be able to find someone like her.

He took a deep breath and traveled up the steps, thinking back on the handful of memories he had sneaking out of her room whenever they'd been close to being caught on some of their infamous makeout sessions. The thing about it was that when they had their good moments, they were great. Their highest highs were high and their lowest lows were extremely low. But he always clung to the possibility that they would experience something as exciting and adrenaline like the day he told her he loved her. They danced in the rain and baked in his house and he hadn't told her, but that was their favorite memory, and whenever they were going through one of their arguments or not talking to each other, he would oftentimes think back to that moment and hope for a day where they could experience something like it.

He knew their relationship was capable of great things, it was just the circumstances that they were in that affected the way they handled things. And he refused to think of their relationship as something that would wash away as time passed.

Riley was on her bed doing her homework, her hair was down and wavy and instantly he felt himself yearn to hold her. He had missed the way he was allowed to touch and kiss her, he took it for granted most of the time, but now that he knew what it was like to live without that kind of privilege, he felt miserable. She was dressed in a white tank top with her purple and pink striped pajamas. He felt himself smile for a second, she never wanted him to see her before going to sleep because she claimed she didn't look as pretty, but if she only saw what he saw, she'd realize he was staring at the most beautiful girl in the world.

And it hurt him that he wasn't there to tell her.

Her night continued like this. She spent fifteen minutes completing her homework and when Riley was finished, she walked to her closet, prepared her outfit for tomorrow, set it down in her bathroom, brushed her teeth, braided her way so it would be wavy the next day, and slipped into bed. He knew that he should've left the second she fell asleep, but something compelled him to stay. Perhaps he couldn't leave her.

He loved her and hated himself for the way he treated her, he blamed himself for breaking her heart, and he only wanted her to be happy. So why did he have the intention to hurt her feelings after they broke up?

He purposefully posted all those videos of him drinking and getting high because he knew it pained her to see him like that. His friends and fellow students were convinced that Lucas was doing just fine and that he didn't care, and he did that because he wanted them to think that. He did this because he knew it would hurt Riley's feelings if she saw him out and about, living his best life after she broke up with him. So he took up every offer to get high and drunk and dance around with girls he didn't care about if it meant he got to post it.

He knew Riley would get curious about what he was up to so he posted videos like crazy.

In a sense, doing all of that felt much easier for him. He didn't care about any of the girls he hooked up with after Riley because he only had one goal in mind: sex. Lucas did better in relationships where his heart wasn't involved, he didn't need to put in the extra work, he didn't need to overthink the way he did with Riley, he just needed to have sex with them and both parties were pleased.

The only downside of that was that most girls would catch feelings for him soon after. He never would so he'd jump to the next without a care in the world.

At nights, when he was home alone and certain his friends wouldn't come looking for him, Lucas would let himself cry and grieve their failed relationship. Riley was, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to him. She stood with him through thick and thin and tried to help him whenever the opportunity was available, she taught him to not be afraid to express his feelings and to deal with them the second the issue came to light, but all of that was much harder when she wasn't around to guide him. He needed her more than ever before and it pained him to keep everything to himself, he didn't have someone to confide in and to cure his heartbreak anymore. Riley was the person he would go to for help and advice and he'd jeopardized that. He had no one left so he was left to handle it on his own, and that was something he was never good at.

And he couldn't allow himself to feel better since he was consumed by guilt.

He hated himself for partying and purposefully trying to break her heart. He wanted to prove to her he was doing fine, but he didn't realize that doing so would unintentionally tear him apart. He'd become everything Riley didn't want him to be in a span of a few days and that was something he had trouble coping with.

On common occasions, that heartbreak would turn to anger. And that anger was always directed at Riley. He hated her for breaking them apart, she knew how much he loved her and how much he was willing to sacrifice for her, and without a warning, she ended things. She didn't even let him try to mend his wrongdoings, she simply said things were over and he was left feeling like something vital had been taken from him. And the only way to act on that anger was to turn to drugs and alcohol; and girls.

And then he'd feel guilty for doing all of that because he intended to hurt her feelings.

He was stuck in this continuous cycle of toxic behavior. His mental health, as he knew it to be, was spiraling out of control.

And he didn't know what to do besides sit back and watch it all fall apart.

He leaned against the railings of her fire escape and watched as she slept. He always liked watching her sleep because it reminded him of how much he loved her and how much he wanted to protect her - even if he hurt her more than he intended to.

And that's when he realized it, he only cared about her happiness if it meant that he was the cause of it. He loved her deeply yes, but her happiness didn't matter to him if he wasn't in her life. At times he wished he could understand his logic himself, but it was something he felt.

He couldn't stand the sight of her talking to other guys and moving on, he needed to hurt her feelings and make her feel bad for breaking up with him, even if the guilt of it all would consume him. At least he'd have the satisfaction in knowing that she was still heartbroken over him while he, himself, tried to move on.

He wanted to yell as he felt the beginning stages of his anger rising to the surface. She was the reason he was in this predicament, she was the reason he felt this much anger and guilt and sadness.

He wanted to scream and punch something, but all that rush of adrenaline was quickly taken over with tears. He felt himself start to cry and he didn't have the strength to stand, he sat on the steps and silently sobbed. He didn't want to wake her up and he certainly didn't want her to see him like that.

He hated crying, but he knew it was necessary.

He just wished at times he wasn't feeling the way he was feeling. He was overwhelmed with his emotions and as much as he blamed Riley for it, all that anger would've quickly washed away if she ever wanted him back. He would forgive her without a doubt and forget about everything if she wanted to date him again.

And this was all because he still had feelings for her.

At the end of the day he still loved her, he still wanted to be with her, he still wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

And he intended to win her back.

ooo

Josh's internship paved the way to a lot of advantages in his early career. Aside from interning for a very popular news company, he was given an apartment to live nearby. His expenses were covered which meant he was living there for free. When he heard the news, Maya was the first person he called, and a day later, she helped him move in.

They spent that entire afternoon unpacking everything and arranging the furniture. Since he had the place all to himself, he let Maya know that she was welcomed any day. He also told her she was free to leave some of her stuff there with him and she was all too happy to hear him say that.

By the end of the night, they ordered pizza, ate, and fell asleep. They were exhausted from all the work they put into their new home and the second they closed their eyes, they drifted off to sleep.

Maya opened her eyes a few hours later in the early morning, wide awake. She tossed and turned, hoping it'd help her fall asleep, but she couldn't. She wasn't tired anymore.

Instead, she turned on her side, kissed Josh's forehead, and got out of bed. Switching locations and sitting on the balcony. The morning sky was beautiful and filled with different shades of blues and orange, the sun was peaking through it's New York buildings, lighting everything else. She often forgot what it was like to witness something as calming and refreshing as this and told herself to not miss out.

"Couldn't sleep?" a soft voice spoke from the distance, comforting her the second they left his tongue.

She turned to face him, Josh was wrapped in his blanket with touseled hair and droopy eyes. He was tired, she could tell, but he was just as handsome as ever. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Nah, it's all right. I'm a light sleeper," he sat beside her and gazed at the sunrise. "It's beautiful."

"Yeah, they look a lot better from up here."

He took a few seconds to admire the blue and gray billowy clouds in front of him. "Can't believe we're gonna be waking up to this."

"I can't believe it either," she answered him lightly, a smile curving the ends of her lips. "Who would've thought we'd basically be living together by now? It's so exciting."

He took her hand and kissed it. Kids their age weren't blessed with the opportunity to have a place for themselves and to spend it with their significant other. They've dated for so long that Maya's mother trusted Josh enough to let her spend the night at his place, she gave her daughter a lot of freedom and because of it, they were allowed to do whatever they wanted. "Even though it's only for the summer, I'm glad I get to spend it with you."

She smiled, faintly. Their time together hadn't been permanent for the longest time. She knew this was the current circumstance between them and she needed to accept, she was just grateful for the moments they got to spend together.

"Does it still make you sad?" Josh asked. "That we don't see each other for months."

Maya licked her lips, "Yeah, I think it always will. But I'm getting used to it. I just have to remind myself that we're doing what's best for the time being. And then in the future, when everything is back on track, we'll be happy again. Together this time. "

Josh agreed. He'd done the same. Especially when he missed her, he'd overwhelm himself with good memories to calm his anxiety. "I'm glad we have the kind of relationship where we can make this work. I don't think I would've lasted this long had I been dating anybody else."

"Me too." Her hand went to his cheek, "We're one in a million, no one can do it like we can."

After a few minutes of sitting around in their chairs, they had stood and leaned against the railing of their balcony, primarily to share the blanket. Josh's warmth was unlike anything Maya had ever felt, she preferred being hugged by him than any other person on the planet and it was simply because she loved him more than anyone. He was the love of her life and she was the love of his.

"When you think about everything we've been through, you start to realize that we've been through a lot of shit," she laughed and so did he, "Seriously though. Think about it. Long-distance, almost breaking up with each other, our old arguments, can't believe we made it out the tunnel."

"Well, we're technically not out yet, but yeah, we've been through a lot."

"Yet we make it work."

"Every goddamn time," he stated. "I love that about us."

She snuggled herself further into his embrace. She was sure Josh would be her only boyfriend at the rate things were going. They'd marry, start a family fresh out of college and grow old together. She was looking forward to it. "What do you want to do this summer now that we're together again?"

"Well, we gotta finish unpacking first, but then I want to go on a boat ride, I wanna go swimming, night out on the town. What about you?"

"Let's do it all," she suggested after she was unable to think of something. "We're young and dumb, let's do some reckless shit."

He laughed, "Like what?"

"...you wanna jump off a plane sometime?"

"You're crazy," Josh joked. "I'm not jumping out of a plane."

"Oh, c'mon. Don't be a wimp, we'd jump with the guide obviously. They'd tell us when to deploy, it's completely safe."

"It's completely not," he disagreed. "Why don't we go on a hot air balloon instead? I'd rather do that. It'll be fun."

She smiled, "That's not a bad idea."

"But, of course, we'd only do any of that after we finish moving in. And then in a few months, you'd help me move out and I'll be on my way to Colorado."

Her smile fell, but she was okay with it. She knew they'd come back to each other no matter what. "Let's make breakfast in the meantime. We're two hours ahead on schedule and I'm not really tired anymore. "What do you want?"

"Pancakes with banana...and with the cinnamon. You know how you sprinkle it into the - "

"Yeah, yeah," she laughed, guiding him inside. "Start on the juice. The oranges are on the counter..."

"Sounds like a plan."

ooo

A few weeks after their break up, Riley felt like she was ready to start dating again. She missed the excitement that came with starting over and she wanted to experience it one last time before she graduated.

She wasn't looking for anything serious, however. She just wanted to have fun. Her year-long relationship with Lucas was chaotic and exhausting and it had deprived her of everything euphoric. And now that they weren't together, she wanted to have fun more than anything.

It was a matter of finding the right guy this time.

And she knew she was going to do things differently this time. Even though she didn't want to be serious with a guy just yet, she knew she needed to be respected and appreciated. She wasn't going to tolerate another guy ruining her life.

And one day, as she stared at her favorite tree in the student lounge, something interesting happened to her.

She had developed this habit of hanging out in the student lounge during class long before then, but this time she felt like fate had stepped in. While Riley knew her extended bathroom break would lead to a crafty excuse, she couldn't help but admire the tree in front of her. Before meeting Lucas and being so attentive to her mental health, the brunette had always walked passed the tree without giving it a second glance, but now that she had the time and energy to focus on things in her life she hadn't before, she dedicated time to it.

The tree was beautiful in it's every detail. Every branch and every leaf looked like it had been crafted to its minimal detail and designed to be just that; beautiful. It almost looked like it belonged somewhere else, somewhere angelic and peaceful, somewhere ethereal.

She could see it from the bench just under it, it was beautiful and nobody would ever appreciate it as much as she had. Thanks to the peace and quiet, Riley had found the encounter therapeutic and relaxing - something she no longer took for granted. The tree was so beautiful she could feel the grandeur of nature itself.

But unfortunately for Riley, the feeling was cut short due to mumbling coming from the building's rooftop. Even from where she stood she could hear the footsteps moving quickly along the deck and she sighed for being ripped of a peaceful, introspective moment.

She allowed her gaze to make the journey up the building and towards the roof to see who it had been.

It was a guy leaning over the rails with his phone to his ear, talking and smiling.

He was tall with broad shoulders. His hair was brown and he carried himself in a way that let Riley know he didn't take anything seriously. Judging from his haircut alone she could tell that girls were easily impressed by him, his build let her know that he was athletic and possibly a douche, but she still found him captivating.

Just then his gaze trailed down to her. He stared hard like her secrets were written across her face and raised his hand to wave at her. She repeated the motion and headed back to her class.

Who was that? She asked herself.

She learned a day later that his name was Max. He was a baseball player and he played the drums in the school's band. His best friend Jason had told her everything when she asked about him. Soon enough word spread that Riley Matthews had a little crush on Max Jensen throughout the guys. And soon enough, she received Max's text message.

It was a simple hey but it sufficed. They talked and got to know each other, Riley learned that he had been accepted into Cal Poly State and planned on studying History which completely surprised her. She learned that he had two younger sisters and a step dad, his mom was remarrying after a recent divorce and he loved them deeply. For the first time in a while, Riley was happy and confident in what she was doing. Talking to Max was different than talking to Lucas. She knew what she was doing, she knew she could say anything without starting an argument and it made her extremely happy.

They started hanging out at school and going out to lunch together, his favorite place was a hidden sandwich shop near Topanga's that she never knew existed. Since he was close with the owner, they always gave them a cheaper price on anything they ordered.

At school, he'd walk her to class and hug her goodbye, when they were on dates, they'd kiss by the lake near Central Park and play in the kids playground as if they were kids themselves. This continued for a week and a half until Lucas, who hadnt exactly left her alone since they broke up, noticed.

"Who's that guy you've been talking to?" Lucas asked one day at school. "The one you've been spending a lot of time with?"

"Why do you care?" She remarked. This hadn't been the first time they talked in person, but it had been the first time they talked in school post break up.

"I-" he tried to think of an excuse, but there wasn't one. "You know why." He played with the straps in his backpack, "I want to know if he's interested in you."

"No, actually I'm interested in him," Riley revealed. She said this primarily to hurt his feelings, she knew doing this would insinuate she had moved on; potentially hurting his feelings. "I think I might ask him out."

He scratched the back of his head, nervously. "This soon? You ended things a month ago -"

She chuckled, "Well, here's the thing, I waited until after we were broken up to start seeing other people. You didn't."

His face fell, Lucas never knew what to say whenever she brought that up. Instead of trying to elaborate on his point further, he gave her a slight nod and walked away. The thing was, Lucas didn't like the idea of Riley feeling like she could date anyone she saw fit. He knew he wasn't going to bite his tongue until it bled out and endure the consequences of their breakup. He was going to eliminate the chances of Riley ever getting over him.

Riley thought telling Lucas she was the one interested in Max would clear the air and settle things once and for all. She thought it'd ultimately and permanently end things between them, but it had done the complete opposite. She had set forth a chain of events she never expected to happen.

Like this one:

When Riley wasn't received by Max at the end of class, she went searching for him by his locker. He was stationed on the opposite end of the same hallway she was currently standing in and the trip was only seconds away.

Sure enough, he was standing there, his back facing her as he placed a few textbooks in his backpack. Even though she was only staring at his back, she was overwhelmed with joy and amazed by how cute he looked. He was wearing a red long sleeve with gray Nike shorts and white Vans, at the sight of seeing him, she could basically melt.

She wrapped her hands around his waist and waited till he turned around before she could hug him. They hadn't seen each other at all that day and she started to miss him.

"Hey, you," she greeted.

"Hey, Riley. What's up?" he smiled for a split second and slammed his locker shut.

"Lunch is next period and I wanted to see if you were still down to go to my mom's cafe? I already asked Katy to have the croissants ready so we'd just swing by and pick them up, free of charge, and we'd eat in my car. Sound like a plan?" He looked away like he had something to tell her, but couldn't at the moment. "What's wrong?"

"I..." he swallowed the lump in his throat, "Look, Riley, this was fun, hanging out and all, but I think we should back off each other. You're a great girl and..."

"Are you serious?" she questioned, stepping back from him. She couldn't believe that the first guy she had dated after Lucas was breaking up with her a week in.

"Riley, please don't be mad at me," he pleaded, his voice soft and tender.

"I just don't understand, I thought we were doing fine. What happened?"

He didn't say anything, he just looked away as if he wanted to be anywhere, but there.

"Was this Lucas?" she asked a little too forcefully.

"No," he was quick to dismiss the idea, but Riley was smart and hard to fool.

"That's bullshit! This was totally Lucas! What did he say? Did he hit you?!"

Max shook his head and gestured for her to lower her voice, "None of that happened, all right? "It's just that..." he took a deep breath, trying to collect the right words to explain himself, "You're Lucas' girl -"

"Ex," Riley corrected. "I'm his ex. We broke up."

"That's the thing... not exactly, not to us guys. He's not over you. He tells us guys to stay away and... well, you know what he can do if we don't listen."

Riley sighed in defeat. She didn't know what she was currently feeling, but it was a mixture of anger and sadness together. He'd done it again. Lucas had managed to ruin something in her life even though they weren't dating. She began to wonder if breaking up with him wasn't the exact escape she was searching for. "I guess I'll see you around."

He nodded and when she tried to walk away, he stopped her. His gaze kept searching the halls as if he was worried somebody would see him. "Riley, wait. You know I like you. It's just that... it's Lucas. he'll never let this go."

"I get it," she didn't, but she had to accept it either way. "I had fun on our date but that's as far as we'll go."

"I'm really sorry."

"Me too." She sighed. "Me too."

Lucas found himself on Riley's fire escape that night. There was an opening through the curtains in her window that allowed him to see directly onto the mirror in her vanity. He heard through a few of his friends that Max had ended things with Riley and he wanted to see how she was doing. Judging by the expressionless look on her face, Lucas figured she was unbothered by the whole thing.

As he started to realize what she was doing, he noticed that Riley was flipping through the pages in her book, it was five in the afternoon so she was most likely doing her homework.

Seeing her like this and realizing that he still knew her routine made his heartache. He wasn't completely over her and he wanted them to get back together. It's why he'd adopted this new habit of hanging out on her fire escape every other day; he wanted to see how she was doing.

After a few minutes of sitting around and watching her do nothing, Lucas felt the need to go inside. She had just been broken up with by a guy she liked and he thought this was the perfect opportunity to go inside and comfort her, maybe somewhere in the process, she'd realize that they were truly meant to be together and take him back.

It took him a while to convince himself of the idea, but he finally forced himself into doing it.

He pushed the window open and noticed he had startled her by the way she had turned around, "I'm sorry," he apologized, "I should've knocked."

"What are you doing here?" she forcefully whispered, looking back at her door. He assumed she had done that to make sure it had been closed, if her parents walked in and saw him inside, it would not end well.

"I - " once he was fully inside, he took a deep breath. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten about the distinct smell in Riley's room that immediately made his day better. In this case, it made him sad because he'd most likely be kicked out soon. "I just want to talk."

"Talk?" she questioned. "We have nothing to talk about, Lucas. You're the reason Max and doesn't want to see me anymore. Why would I want to talk to you?"

"Because I miss you..."

She shook her head, "No, you don't. You can leave now."

"Riley, c'mon," he pleaded, "I did that because you were making a mistake. You shouldn't be with Max, you should be with me."

"You're delusional if you think you're making sense right now. Did you forget what you put me through?"

"I haven't and I'm sorry - "

"And even though you remember, you thought it was a good idea to scare Max into breaking up with me?" she questioned, agitated by him. At times she couldn't understand his logic and all it was good for was making her mad. Max had been the light at the end of her tunnel, she was on a road to something great and in a day Lucas came in and ruined it. "I think you should go."

"Riley..."

"Leave," she started heading for her window, but Lucas stopped her.

"Riley, I get it, I get it, you're mad at me but just hear me out, okay?"

She looked down at his grip on her hand and he quickly let go, raising his hands in surrender. "I just want to talk. Please."

There was something about the gesture and the look in his eyes that reminded her of the Lucas she truly knew. She was able to see the guy she met a year ago and she felt like he was worth listening to. "Okay, but you have one minute."

He took a deep breath, trying to gather his plea, "I know I fucked everything up, but if you give me a second chance, I promise you, I won't do what I did. I'll change everything for you." He stepped closer to her, looking her in the eyes, pleading as if his life depended on it. "You know I don't want to lose you. Even I'm not that stupid to mess everything up again." When he started to see that he was buying Riley completely, he decided to elaborate. "I'll be an open book from now on, I'll tell you everything you need to know, everything. I won't keep any secrets from you, you can go through my phone whenever you want I don't care. From now on I just want you back. You're more important to me than anyone else."

For the first time, Riley had heard everything she wanted to hear, but she still couldn't bring herself to trust him. Not after everything he'd done. "Why should I believe a word you're saying?"

"Because I know what it's like to lose you now. For real this time. And I hate every second that I'm not with you."

Riley stared into his eyes. The old version of herself would've taken him back immediately, she would've forgiven all of his mistakes and searched for the good in them; but the new her liked that a guy like Lucas was begging for her. She hadn't gone this far into focusing on herself and reshaping the values in her life to take Lucas back the second he claimed he'd be a better person this time around. She loved and respected herself too much to let that happen to her now. "You should leave. I won't be home for long anyway. The girls and I have a thing at Missy's place."

He sighed, "I guess that means you can't take me with you."

She shook her head no.

"Before I go," he began, his voice sounding defeated. "Just remember that I love you. You know where to find me." A huge part of him really thought he'd nailed his apology this time, for a second he could see Riley caving and willing to take him back. He supposed he'd have to keep trying. He wasn't gonna give up so easily.

"Wait," she called, "I have something for you." She sauntered towards the closet near her bed and pulled a large football jersey off her hanger. "I was planning on doing this later, but now that you're here I guess it's a good time." She bent down silently beside her bed and picked up a box with one hand, placing the jersey inside with the other. "I'm remodeling my room soon and I wanted to give you your stuff back."

He nodded.

She walked back into her closet to retrieve his other shirts and hoodies. Lucas often lent her a lot of his clothes that she had an entire section in her closet dedicated to them. She found it funny that all of his clothes swallowed her form, yet she owned most of them. "I also have the necklace you gave me, can you just..." she turned around and moved her hair over her shoulder so he could take it off.

He hesitated for a second, but the moment he touched her skin, something felt wrong. "No, I can't. Keep it. It's yours."

"Lucas, I can't keep this. You should give this to somebody who's gonna take good care of it and treasure it."

He sighed and took the necklace off of her. A few minutes later, Riley had added his watch, cologne, and his videogames into the box. "This is all. If I find anything else I'll give them to one of your friends or something to give to you."

Lucas stood there unable to process what was happening. She was boxing up everything he gave her and giving it all back to him. Everything about that moment felt so…final.

"Here," as she handed over the box, his hand swept over hers sending an undeniable chill up her arm and down her back. That was it, the final step. He had been romantically purged from her life. They really were just friends now.

There was an intimate story behind every item in the box. Stories that took him back to the better days in their relationship, nights where he'd secretly spend the night, times when they'd cuddle and he'd intentionally leave his clothes behind so he had a legitimate reason to return the next day other than admitting he wanted to see her.

Watching her collect everything and box it up to give back to him was like physically seeing Riley purge him out of her life, right in front of him.

"My parents can come in any minute, I think you should go." She said matter-of-factly.

He nodded in agreement, but couldn't will his feet to move. Once he climbed out that window he had no idea what would happen to them but he knew nothing would ever be the same.

"You should know that I really am sorry for what I did," he apologized. "I truly mean it."

She stared at him but looked away when she noticed his eyes had glistened, almost like he wanted to cry. "Get home safely," she uttered before closing the window on him and sliding the curtain all the way through.

ooo

Two Months Later

May 19, 2021

Riley paced her room picking up the discarded clothing. She hadn't exactly focused on the neatness of her room now that her senior year was coming to an end. Instead she focused on her school work while successfully balancing her social life.

On weekdays, she studied and completed her homework as needed and on weekends she was out all night with her girl friends. Now that Missy was the newest addition to the group, she snuck them in to all sorts of parties and places they were confident they weren't allowed to be in. In a lot of ways, Missy had made Riley's life thrilling and adventurous and she loved her for it.

Now that Riley and Lucas weren't together and Zay made it clear that at some point in the future they'd reconcile, she felt like the only thing she needed to focus on was having fun.

She couldn't count the times they got into trouble when Missy was around, but together they created memories Riley was sure she'd never forgot. Especially when they played such a huge role in each other's recovery.

She loved every second about partying with her friends, until she let them spend the night and they left their clothes for her to clean; which she was currently doing.

Half her room was just about done when she stepped on a jacket she knew wasn't hers. It was a size smaller which meant it was Missy's. Her hands went to her back pocket and she pulled out her phone, dialing the brunette.

"Hello?"

"Hey, girl, where you at?" she casually asked as she plopped down on her bed.

"Im ah," she groaned, "Im a little busy right now."

"Oh, well I just wanted to let you know that you left your jacket in my room. It's the denim one with the cute rhinestones on them."

"Oh, yeah," she spoke softly, "Yeah, I was looking for that. I'll...uh...fuck... I'll swing by and pick it up later."

"Okay, but when you do can you bring those mint chip cookies again? They were so good. I couldn't find them when I went to the store. What are they called again? Mimo-"

"Milano," she answered.

"That's the one. I went to the store the other day and I tried searching for them in the isle by the freezers, but they weren't there. You know the ones where they keep the grandma cookies and -"

"Yeah...oh my God, fuck," Missy whimpered from the other end of the call.

"Girl, what the hell?" Riley finally questioned, as she sat upright. "Are you okay? What the hell was that?"

"I just," she breathed, "I'm kind of in the middle of something."

"Like what?" It didn't take long before she made the connection. Missy must've been groaning and whimpering for a reason, and she had now realized what that reason may be. "Missy, you nasty whore, who is he?" The brunette playfully bantered. "You know what, don't even tell me, we'll talk later when you swing by to pick up your jacket. And bring extra cookies I'm gonna want to hear all about it."

As soon as she ended the call, the window to her room opened and in came the blonde. Her hair was in a ponytail and she had a bubbling smile. "Guess you just came back from Josh's place," the brunette assumed.

"Yeah, he lives like five minutes away so I decided to visit. What'cha doin'?

"Cleaning. Here," she handed over a pair of jeans Maya had left there.

"That's where they went? Damn, I've been looking for these."

"They've been here this whole time," she informed, "Sitting on that chair right over there."

Maya turned to it, "Well, is there more? Now that I think about it, I've been missing some shirts lately."

Riley laughed, "You just want to steal some from me."

"C'mon, I'll return them this time."

"Fine. Have at it. Anyway, you're not gonna believe what just happened?"

"What?"

"I just got off the phone with Missy and while we were talking she kept groaning and making these weird noises, weird right?"

"Eh, it's Missy. What else can you expect...?"

"...and when I finally asked her about it, you want to know what it was?"

"What?" Maya asked, curiously.

"She was having sex."

She gasped, "No way. With who?"

"I don't know. I didn't ask. She was kind of busy. She's gonna tell me all about it when she comes by to pick up her jacket. Who do you think it could be?"

"I don't know girl, I'm still trying to figure out why she answered your call in the first place if she's in the middle of something. That girl is weird."

"I think it's Jack," Riley suggested, "He's Max's friend, do you remember him? I saw them talking in the hallways the other day, I'm pretty sure they've been on a couple of dates."

"How is Max, by the way?" Maya asked as she settled for one of Riley's black halter tops. "You haven't spoken to him in months."

"Well, after he ended it, we thought we could be friends, but that didn't really last. And you know, Lucas and all? It just wasn't a good time."

"But you feel better, right? You're not sad about it anymore?"

Riley stopped what she was doing to stare at her concerned friend, "For the last time, I am doing fine. Lucas is long gone, we don't talk."

"Okay," Maya nodded, taking her word. "That's good. I'm proud of you."

"Now, come help me fold these shirts."

They finished cleaning Riley's room together and by the time they finished they waited out on the fire escape. By this point all Maya could bring herself to think about was her friendship with Riley. They had been inseparable since they were little and did everything they could together. Their friendship started strong and even with the newest additions they remained solid and confident in each other.

"What are you thinking about?" Riley asked the moment she noticed her friend was spacing out. She hadn't done this often which worried her.

"I don't know I guess I just started to realize how everything is going to change for us soon."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we're graduating in like a week. Things are gonna be different once high school ends."

Riley hadn't thought of it, "I think of that at times too, normally when I'm alone and in bed. In a way it's kind of weird, don't you think? We've literally seen each other grow up and now that high school's ending we're gonna be adults."

"It's insane. I still feel like I'm fifteen."

"I feel like I'm twelve. I'm in no way mentally capable of taking care of myself."

"Oh, c'mon," Maya laughed, "You're more responsible than Missy and I that's for sure. And if we can get by, you for sure can."

"I can't wait till we call each other asking for help because we don't know when to pay our bills." She took a seat next to her and laughed, "We'll never see some of our old classmates again. And then in like six years, we'll start finding out that so and so is pregnant and so and so just are engaged. You never really realize how much high school means to you until it comes to an end."

She wholeheartedly agreed with that statement. "I'm glad that we made the most of it when the time came. And I'm really proud of you for ending things with Lucas. I still can't believe I didn't know how bad things were."

"Oh," Riley scoffed, "Maya, you know better than to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. I'm the one that kept it a secret from almost everybody, I didn't want anyone to know."

"I know that, but as your friend - "

"As my friend, you're supposed to be there for me when I need you and you were. You helped me every step of the way, don't tell me you forgot."

"I didn't - "

"Then don't beat yourself up for it. Instead of worrying about that think of how you stepped in and made me feel better. You, Missy, and Isadora were there for me every day. I cried on your shoulder like dozens of times and who was the first one to make me smile when we broke up? Who was it? I know you remember?"

"It was me," she sheepishly smiled, running a strand of hair behind her ear.

"And who is my best friend in the entire world who knows all of my deepest secrets...?"

"That would be me again," Maya repeated in the same voice as last time. She leaned her head on her friend and smiled, "You know I'll never forget the day we met. We were in ballet together and this random girl just started talking to me and who would've thought she'd turn out to be my best friend?"

"Oh, so I'm the random brunette?" Riley asked, a smile from ear to ear.

"What about the sloppy blonde?"

"Oh, sloppy?" Maya questioned, slightly, but playfully offended. "My technique was way better than yours."

"That sounds like a challenge?"

"Damn, right. Get up," she instructed. "Plie on three, ready? 1, 2, 3...pose."

They posed, but instead of bending her legs, Riley had struck another pose, mistaking the plie for something else. "Oh, maybe you're right."

Maya laughed, "What the hell was that? Riley, you did a pirouette. Girl, I should've known. You're the sloppy one, that was messy." They sat back down and laughed uncontrollably. "Don't you remember, Ms. Blanchet, telling you to learn the poses? Did you even?"

"I didn't," she said in between her laugh. "That's why I quit when you stopped going."

"That's right, I remember now. Oh my God," she sighed, admiring her best friend, "I'm really gonna miss this."

Riley turned to her as soon as the words rolled off the blonde's tongue, "What? What are you talking about?"

Her smile fell and her lips flatlined, "There's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?" She was caught off guard by the sudden seriousness in her friends tone, what was once laughter and joy had been replaced with silence and intensity. "Did something bad happen?"

"I...um...I'm going to school out of state next year," she informed. She didn't know how to reveal this information in a lighthearted way, but the words alone felt like a goodbye.

She stared at her for a second, thinking she was joking, but she wasn't. She was serious. "You are?"

Maya nodded, "I am. I applied back in October and they accepted me in March. I couldn't bring myself to tell you, but at the time I was convinced I was going to NYU, but just recently I changed my mind."

Riley wished she knew what to say, but the truth was she didn't. All she could bring herself to think about was that, at some point, they'd have to say goodbye to each other. "When do you leave?"

"End of summer."

"Oh," she looked out into the city. "Okay, well we still have time, right?"

"Three months."

The silence between them lengthened and Maya wished she could make this moment promising and fulfilling. She wished she could make this moment exciting, but she couldn't. They'd inevitably have to say goodbye and the both were struggling to forget about that.

"I'm sorry, I just...I wasn't expecting this," Riley revealed.

"Are you mad?"

She turned to her best friend, "Of course not. I'm proud of you."

"You are?"

"I am," she confirmed. "You're following your heart and I could never be mad at you for that."

The two shared a long-lasting hug. It was as though they were saying goodbye then and there. She hugged her tightly and lovingly, Maya had always been there. Through thick and thin, the blonde remained by her side and loved her unconditionally, just like a best friend would. They were there for each other's darkest times and helped each other overcome any obstacle.

Riley helped Maya through her parent's divorce and Maya helped Riley get over her toxic boyfriend. They were saddened they would need to spend some time apart.

"But we're gonna talk every day, right?" she asked, "We're doing long-distance friendship and you can't cheat on me."

"Trust me, I won't," Maya joked, "You have my heart."

They hugged and stared out into the city, a city that Riley once thought was her kingdom. "I'm gonna miss you. Where did you say you were going again?"

Maya smiled, "I'm going to..."

ooo

in two months you replaced us,

like it was easy, made me think I deserved it,

in the thick of healing

The next day at school, Riley Matthews waited by her locker for her friends. Her back was pressed against the wall while she stared at her phone, waiting for a response that would soon guarantee their arrival.

She should've known they'd take a while to respond, that was expected, but she stuck around waiting for either of them to show. Her gaze casually went to the students around her, they were huddled in groups talking about graduation and the end of the year trip. A trip Riley couldn't wait to go on and have fun with her friends. Then they'd graduate together a few days later and have the entire summer to hang out.

They'd do all sorts of things like go swimming and dancing, road trips and movies, and so much more. Then college would come around, Maya would move out, they'd be busy with their schedules but they'd hang out any chance they could and talk all day.

A familiar voice called out from in front of her and when she looked up, she was glad to see her friends. "What took so long?"

"Sorry, my phone fell in between my seat and we struggled to get it out," Isadora informed, "My nails were too long and my hand could barely fit through the crack so we had to move the seat and then we didn't know how to put it back."

"You know for someone as smart as you, you'd think you'd know how to fix something as simple as that, but no," Maya playfully taunted. "You didn't."

"Haha, very funny," Isadora said sarcastically. "I had to call Farkle, he ended up fixing it."

"Oh," she cooed, "Farkle. How is that working out for you two?"

Isadora blushed, "It's going great. Ever since we decided to get back together things have been going a lot smoother. He wants me to work alongside him at Minkus International for the summer before we head off to college together. So we'll be spending a lot of time together and my parents can't suspect anything because he'd be a coworker."

"That's brilliant," Riley congratulated. "She just outsmarted her parents."

"Maybe she is smart," Maya joked.

"We should hurry before we're late to class. Do you have everything?"

"Yeah," Riley nodded. "Yeah, let's just wait for Missy. She should be here soon."

"Is that the jacket she was supposed to pick up yesterday?" Maya asked, pointing to it.

"Yeah, she didn't show," she ran a hand through her hair and stared at the entrance, "Has she been answering any of your guys' calls? 'Cause she hasn't been answering mine."

"I haven't called her, but she still hasn't texted me back," Isadora answered.

"Yeah, same with me. It's not like the girl's busy. Why?"

"That's so unlike her," Riley said. The Missy she knew would've never lasted this long without calling or texting them back. "Let me call her, maybe she's sick or something."

As her hand trailed to the phone in her pockets, Maya turned around just in time to see Lucas walk in. Even from afar, Maya was disgusted by the sight in front of her. "Look, it's your bitchass ex."

Riley turned to look at him. His blonde hair was combed to the side, his smile was just as bright, and he was wearing a shirt he normally wore when they were together. Despite trying so hard to avoid him and be near him, Riley couldn't help but notice how familiar he was. It didn't matter that they weren't together and she was trying to move on, she still knew him and she couldn't forget a year and a half relationship in less than two months

And just then, her face fell.

It wasn't Lucas, it wasn't the smile on his lips or the way their eyes locked, but the girl that was walking beside him. Her hands were laced with his as she walked down the hall without a care in the world, seeming to enjoy the attention she was currently under.

She looked at Riley and smirked. And then a second later, she turned and pecked Lucas' cheek, staking her claim on the blonde.

Riley, stunned by everything, could only stare. She looked like a deer in headlights and she wasn't sure she could process the sight in front of her. Even though her friends could confirm everything she had just seen, a part of her was still having trouble believing it. "Oh my God," she whispered.

"No way," Maya added.

"You gotta be kidding me," said Isadora as she watched the pair round the hall. Soon as they were gone, she turned to her two friends and spoke, "Did that really just happen?"

Suddenly, Riley could see that everybody's gaze had moved from Lucas to her. She tried to act unbothered, but it was no use. She wanted to cry and she wasn't gonna let the rest of her classmates see.

She walked towards the bathroom and as soon as she was inside, she let the tears out. She wanted to scream and curse, but instead, she hugged herself and crouched, unable to hold back all the pain she had felt in the past month. Isadora and Maya followed shortly after and comforted her. They missed half their first period, but they didn't care. What did it matter anyway? They were already graduating soon.

"Yesterday when I called her, she was...she was having sex with a guy," Riley began, talking about the events that happened the day before. "I just...I didn't know that guy was Lucas."

Isadora sighed, "Riley, I'm so sorry she did this to you. We had no clue, had we known we would've done something."

"Yeah, Riley. That was so fucked up of her."

She sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I feel so stupid right now."

The simple fact that she was having a conversation with her friend while she hooked up with her ex broke her to pieces and she wished she could forget that ever happened. She helped Missy during a hard time in her life and she turned around and starting dating her ex. After everything, they went through she never thought that would be the biggest betrayal she'd ever experience.

There was no warning, no apology, no talk, nothing. Missy went ahead and did it. And as Riley felt the pain of it all, she started to realize that this had been Missy's plan all along. She never stopped liking Lucas, she always expressed a great interest when she spoke about Lucas and the things he would do when they were together. She felt foolish for never catching onto it.

"I was there for her when she needed it. I helped her because I saw that she needed it. I told her things she didn't deserve to know," Riley cried. "I honestly thought she was my friend. I'm so stupid."

"Hey," Maya called out. "No you're not. You have a big heart and you helped someone who didn't deserve it. Don't ever blame yourself. It's not your fault. C'mon, let's get you home. We'll talk about everything there," Maya instructed as she helped her friend up.

"Yeah. That's a good idea," Isadora encouraged.

Riley got up from her feet and headed for the bathroom door, the two of them following suit. When she opened the door to the bathroom, Riley turned to the trash can beside her and threw Missy's jacket inside of it.

Riley had learned a lot during her healing process. Breaking up with Lucas taught her that she wasn't going to allow herself to be mistreated again, Missy taught her that it was okay to cut people out of her life, she just never expected Missy would be one of them.

When she walked out of the bathroom that morning, Riley felt betrayed, but the underlining feeling was independence. She felt like this needed to happen, even though it hurt her deeply.

And it reminded her of the conversation she and Lucas had two nights before.

Tap!

Tap!

Tap!

Riley cautiously glanced at her baywindow after hearing multiple pecks. She turned to the clock on her bed stand and groaned, it was 11:34pm.

She wasn't expecting anybody.

As she swung her legs out of bed and began to approach the window, she stopped in her tracks when she found a pair of green eyes staring back at her, smiling lamely.

Her expression dropped when she realized it was Lucas. She must've stared at him for a few moments, debating whether she should get closer or avoid him.

When he saw that she had started heading back to her bed, he tapped on her window once again. "Please," he begged. "I just want to talk."

She tiptoed quietly to the window, occasionally glancing back at the closed bedroom to make sure her father didn't burst through. His eyes never left hers as she unlocked the window and pulled the frame up, but refused him access to her room.

"What are you doing here?" she asked him, "We've already talked about this."

She couldn't maintain her distance and carry on with herself if he was constantly sneaking into her room to talk to her.

His eyes tore from hers as he looked down at the seat, dejectedly. "I just really need to see you right now."

She stared at him for a few seconds, she could tell he had been crying and she didn't have the heart to send him home. She still cared about him and she wasn't going to be mean. Nodding, she stepped back and granted him access.

Instantly the smell of her room brought back many memories for Lucas. His mind specifically went to the time they cuddled on her bed and laughed together. He loved everything about that day, he was just sad they'd never get to relive it.

"What is it?" she asked him.

He lazily sat down on her window seat, taking a long and deep breath. "I missed you."

She looked away for a second. She didn't even know why she asked, by this point it was expected. It was all he ever said when he showed up to her room.

"I know it's late. I just...I couldn't sleep. Can we talk?"

She knew they shouldn't be talking.

Everybody around them was doing everything they could to keep them apart. And even though they were on constant surveillance, nobody knew that the only time Riley and Lucas saw each other was late at night.

She looked at his pleading eyes once again and nodded, "Okay. Scoot over."

"Yes," he silently cheered as she sat beside him. He took off his jacket and set it down on her ottoman before grabbing the blanket she always kept on her chair. "Here," he said as he spread it over their legs so that they were both warm.

"Why weren't you asleep?" he curiously asked, hoping to start a conversation. "...passed your bedtime."

"I don't know. It's just one of those nights I guess."

"Guess so," he agreed, his emerald green eyes observing their surroundings, "You've been remodeling, haven't you?"

She nodded. They could see her entire room from where they sat.

Lucas occasionally glanced to the wall by her vanity. She had dedicated that entire wall to photos and polaroids of just them, at some point there were over seventy pictures of them. He didn't know how much he valued them until they were gone and replaced with pictures of her friends.

He sighed and looked at everything in her room. It wasn't home; well in fact it felt like it was, but only for that night anyway. Looking back he realised that he really missed Riley's companionship. Sure, when they were together they were terrible to each other, but when they were friends, it was like none of that happened. It was incredible to him how she was willing to forgive a year of constant arguing to make him feel happy for one night. "Sometimes I forget that your room has one of the best views of New York."

"You kind of get used to it when you wake up to it everyday of your life," she informed, playing with the sleeves of her pajamas. "You know when I was little I would act like my apartment was my castle and New York was my kingdom."

He chuckled, "That sounds like something little Riley would do."

She nudged his shoulder, playfully. "Little Riley also ripped apart little Missy's barbie in preschool. So watch out, she's got a dark side."

"You and Missy, huh?" he said, drawing attention to their newfound friendship "When did that happen?"

"Few days before we broke up," she wasn't sure if it was a good idea to mention their break up, but she didn't know how to give him a clear timeline without bringing it up.

"Is she different from what you thought she was like?"

She nodded, "She's really sweet and she's funny."

City lights danced in swirls and circles on her bedroom wall as they shone in from her baywindow. It was late at night and all they could bring themselves to do was watch the lights dance in synchronization.

They were always mesmerized by them.

"Well, when I was younger I wanted to move to Texas," he revealed, "I had some cool family down there and I begged my parents, days and days on end to let me move there. 'Mommy, please, I'll clean the mess in my room' I would say. 'I'll tell you where Austin hid the China plates he said he didn't break.'"

Riley laughed.

"They said no, of course, but a part of me never stopped wanting to move there," he turned to her, seeing her smile made it easier to look at her in the eyes without feeling guilty about the things he'd done to her. "Until I did."

"What changed?"

"I fell in love with you. And you changed my whole world."

She turned to him, started by his words. He never told her this.

"God, you made everything so much better for me. And I mean it, Riley. Everything. It's like a part of me always knew I was in love with you before I could realize it. You were so full of life and unlike any girl I had ever dated. I knew I would never find somebody like you in Texas. You blew me away."

His eyes landed on her and Riley didn't know what to say. When he realized she wasn't going to say anything, he awkwardly laughed and changed the subject. "The grey's a really nice color by the way. Really makes the room...pop."

"Yeah," she agreed, moving a few strands of hair from her face. "I guess I should mention I almost considered painting my room black."

"No, you didn't," he said in disbelief and turned his body over to hers, preparing himself for a very long and detailed story. "That does not sound like Riley Matthews. You'd never go black on anything, it scares you."

She grinned, "I know, I know. But I was experiencing a moderate to severe case of goth. Look it up," she joked, "It exists and I went undiagnosed. My parents bought the paint and everything, but before they could actually bring the paint to my wall, I stopped them. 'Let's take it down a little' I suggested. 'Why not a really light gray?' They were upset, but not because I changed my mind so late, but because they had already bought the paint. My mom wanted me to go through with it so I could learn my lesson, but my dad calmed her down. And voila, my light grey room."

He laughed. "You made the right choice."

"Okay, so you know how every child reaches the age in which they realize that they're gonna die at some point?" Riley began at three in the morning. She turned to Lucas who was propped up on the couch in front of her, staring at her.

"That's a little dark, don't you think?"

"That's not my point, what I'm trying to say is that everybody goes through it. They go through that sudden realization that death is inevitable and that it happens to everybody. What we don't think about is that we make that conclusion twice in our lives. We do it when we're children and then we do it when we're old...and gray."

"Holy shit," he sat up to face her, "That's so true."

"And you think about it at two completely different times in your life. Once when you're at the start of it, and twice when you're reaching the end of it."

He glanced at her understandingly, "Should I be worried? I would've never in my life thought you'd think these things."

"You don't need to worry, it's just...late night thoughts," she admitted, before tugging at the blanket he accidentally pulled from her leg.

"My bad," he jokingly apologized, taking notice of the gesture.

"What do you think about people who put ketchup in their eggs," Riley asked at four in the morning. By this point they had talked about everything they could think about, anything from colors to conspiracies, celebrities to influencers, puzzles to crosswords and social media to living in the moment. They were running out of topics and neither of them were tired, they were wide awake and full of energy.

"Psychopaths," Lucas answered.

The brunette gasped, taking offense to his remark, "Hey, I put ketchup on my eggs."

"My point exactly," he joked, blocking the throw pillow she hurled at him.

"Okay, what do you think about guys who can't properly pee into a toilet? What about that?"

He dropped his head, a smile curving the corners of his lips. "That was one time, Riley."

"Don't care," she playfully dismissed, tossing her hair back and forth as if it made her point any clearer. "Here's what I think, I think they're a little disruptive?"

"Dis-what? How am I disruptive?"

She chuckled, "Don't even get me started. As a matter of fact I can list about 5 to 10 right here, right now."

"Okay, okay, my turn. What do you think about people who post 'don't hmu' on their Snapchat with an angry emoji on the caption?"

She scoffed, she knew quite a few people who did that. "Cringey. Okay. I cringe everytime I see it. All the time."

"What about people who put milk in their bowl before their cereal?"

"See, those are psychopaths," Riley claimed. " Like that behavior is so unmatched and...weird. I'm glad I don't know anybody that does that."

Lucas laughed, he knew her passion for these types of questions and he enjoyed hearing her every time. "What about Ted Bundy?"

"What?" she questioned, abruptly turning in his direction. "See now you're just playin'. What do you mean 'what do I think about him?' he's crazy. He was an actual psychopath though."

"That's why I asked."

Riley smiled once again. She was glad they were talking like nothing happened between them, it reminded her of the fun they had when they weren't arguing or trying to hurt each other's feelings. Aside from that, they always knew how to establish a connection with each other and that's why it was so easy for her to fall in love with him. He was easy to talk to and sitting there beside him only proved it.

"Can I ask a weird, hypothetical question?" she inquired, placing the blanket they were sharing over her shoulders.

"Ask away."

"How different do you think things would've been between us if were weren't so terrible to each other?"

He let out a long sigh, "Extremely different. Extremely."

Had everything been different between them, Lucas and Riley would've been close enough to travel far together. Their parents would be so trusting of them that they'd be allowed to do anything they wanted, they'd also be healthy enough to respect each other's struggles and understandingly give each other space and time if needed. Lucas wouldn't be so jealous and Riley wouldn't be on her daily mission to hurt his feelings.

They would be happier together, they'd feed off of each other's positive energy and love each other enough to not be so cruel. Lucas would let go of his bad habits and become a better person and Riley would be the same positive and optimistic girl he met. He didn't know how much he wanted that until he started thinking about it.

"We'd probably be going to prom together," he joked.

"We'd probably be married is what I think," she answered. If they continued to date and love each other despite everything they had been through and everything they had put each other through, then a relationship in which they were healthy toward one another would've worked wonders. They'd be so in love and so infatuated that she was certain Lucas would've popped the question and Riley would've said yes.

Lucas turned to her, "For sure."

She laughed and thought about the alternative, "It's crazy how things like that work. Decisions. Every decision we make can change any possiblity, any. Have you heard of the butterfly effect?"

The blonde shook his head no.

"Well, it's basically a theory that something so small can create a significantly different outcome. Kind of like a tornado being influenced by a butterfly flapping its wings at the right moment a few weeks earlier- "

"That's crazy - "

"So in retrospect," she continued, finding his interest in her lesson adorable. "One small decision at the beginning of our relationship could've changed everything."

He leaned against her window taking in the information he had learned. "Here's what I think: if our relationship hadn't fallen apart and nothing went to shit the way it did, I like to assume we'd be a lot happier. We'd be so trusting of each other that we'd never get angry or say stupid things to try and get a reaction. My life now is better because of you, I'm a better person because of you even if we argued at the end of the day. You changed something in me I thought no girl ever could, if we weren't so mad at each other back then I guarantee you I would've asked you to marry me. I would've given you a promise ring at the very least. I talk to my folks back home because you fixed my relationship with them without even knowing, I told my parents how I truly feel because of you and that..." he sighed, thinking back to it, "even though it went south at the time, it changed the way things are now. And that," his voice trembled, "I'll always love you for that."

She wiped the tear trailing down his cheek and smiled, "So we can confirm that we would've been engaged by now...?"

"Yes," he smiled. "We would. I'd also be doing good in school..."

"My parents wouldn't be so disappointed with me..."

"Zay and Charlie would still be my friends..."

"Zuri, Victoria, Emilia and any other girl wouldn't be in the picture..."

"Some of my biggest regrets," he acknowledged, "I'm sorry by the way."

There was a time even hearing their names would send her down a dark hole. She'd fixate on them and compare herself to them and wished she was more like them because even the guy she was in love with craved their touch at some point. They were perfect to her. But now, now that the wave of insecurity had passed, she realized that comparing herself to them wasn't doing anything. Instead she needed to focus on herself. And the moment she did, everything changed. It was like her brain built a fortress around her heart, shielding her from anything dangerous heading its way. She used to cry hearing their names and now she had the strength to say them. "In the future we would've moved out by twenty four; I would've taken a couple of paid internships at my mom's law firm and you'd be starting work at an animal clinic. With the money we made we would've bought an apartment, married a year later, I'd be pregnant by twenty six or twenty seven, welcomed our first girl - no, boy, welcomed our first boy and then two years later our first girl. And then, if we're down, had our third and final child."

"All the while vacationing all around the world. Our honeymoon would've been in Italy, nextstop Paris, Carribean, Hawaii, and you would've chosen the rest."

"Bora Bora," she suggested. "I heard it's really pretty there. Plus, the beaches there are super pretty."

"Oh, and Disneyland, once a year."

"No, that's too soon," Riley disagreed. "Once every three years, otherwise the kids would start to feel like it's normal and they'd feel entitled."

"So you're already poking fun at our kids?" he asked, jokingly offended.

"Our oldest would be just like you and you know how you are," she added, defending her previous statement. She loved that they were having talks like these.

"And our girl would be just like you, sassy and bossy."

"Oh shut up, you'd love it. She'd be a daddy's girl."

"Of course," he confirmed, picturing his little girl on his shoulders, "She'd be my princess."

"And our boy would be my prince. He'd be a momma's boy," when she turned to look at him, she noticed that his eyes were already on her, "What are their names anyway? We'd have to call them something."

"Aiden and Paige," Lucas answered, the name flowing naturally out of his tongue.

"I like it," she revealed. "Aiden and Paige. Cute."

"What about our potential third child? C'mon, Riley, these are our children we gotta think about."

"Right, your right," she playfully scratched her head, "If he's a boy: Theodore. Theo for short. If she's a girl: Eleanor. Ellie or Nellie for short."

There was something about hearing those names that almost made Lucas cry. Possibly because they were talking about a reality that would never exist. "It's perfect."

"Aiden would probably be a lacrosse player just like his dad, although he also strikes me as the baseball type. Paige would be a straight A student and a cheerleader. And Theodore, may or may not be a trouble maker. Nellie, on the other hand, strikes me as a party girl, what do you think?"

"I think our youngest is gonna give us the most trouble."

She laughed, "Damn, can you imagine? A mother of three. Who would've thought?"

"Your husband," Lucas suggested. "So, about our wedding? Indoor our outdoor?"

"Hmmm," she thought, "Realistically speaking, indoor, but if I had courage, outside. On a warm day in September."

"Sounds nice. I like it."

"Can I?" Riley asked, gesturing towards his lap; asking if she could lay down. "I can't stand this window, it's hurting my neck."

"Uh, yeah, yeah, go ahead."

Riley carefully moved so the blanket wouldn't fall off and rested her head on his lap, looking up at him. Lucas had always been a handsome guy, perhaps the best looking guy she'd ever meet, it's a shame they'd never date again. "Don't get ahead of yourself, I'm tired."

He chuckled, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just lay your big ass head on my lap."

"Asshole," she laughed. She mainly laughed because his little insult was funny.

"You know I always thought we were destined to end up together?" he revealed, "Yeah, I did. I mean ever since we were kids it was obvious we liked each other. Even our friends tried to force us to date. My friends would always say, 'hit up Riley' whenever I was single and I never did because I was nervous as hell. You're the first girl I ever had feelings for, hell you're probably the only one. And when I did and we started dating and I fell in love, I just knew. I'm gonna marry her. She's gonna have my kids."

"I thought so too." She added.

A few hours passed and Lucas noticed he hadn't asked her for the time in a while, "What time is it anyway?"

Riley turned to her phone, "Oh my God, it's six in the morning?"

"Already?" he asked, lifting his hat from his eyes. "I swear it felt like we've only been talking for half an hour."

By this point, they were both laying down on her bed, staring at the ceiling and admiring the city lights. "It honestly did."

"I should probably get going," he revealed, "Your parents will be up any minute now."

She nodded before standing up and walking over to her window, pulling the curtains apart. Immediately the sight of the sun starting to peak it's way through the spaces in between the buildings ahead greeted her. "It's so beautiful."

He started picking up his things, but stopped to admire the view, "Like a painting."

She turned around to face him, "It's fine, you don't need to. I got it."

He set the blanket back down on the chair and gulped. Normally he'd give her a kiss before heading out, but he couldn't do that anymore. They weren't dating, they were...to be honest he didn't know what they were. But he was glad that she still gave him a chance when he needed it.

He bore a heartbreaking sad smile that held their beautiful past in broken pieces. "Bye, Riley."

"Goodbye, Lucas."

In a way that goodbye was unlike any regular goodbye. It was a knowingly goodbye - as if it were going to be their last. And little did Riley Matthews know that that conversation would be their last.

ooo

September 2021

The day had finally come.

Maya Hart was attending the University of Colorado Denver for freshman orientation. She'd be visiting the campus, receiving her scheduled classes, and familiarizing herself with dorm life. It'd been something she was looking forward to the entire summer and that day had arrived.

Her travel consisted of looking out her window and staring out into the clouds, ready for the next journey her life entailed.

She hoped it would all go smooth and everything would be worth it, but despite all that hope and positivity, she faced a little uncertainty.

After checking in, she began to move things into her new room. Instantly, she knew where to place her things and how she wanted her room to look. She covered her mattress in silk sheets and a nice white comforter, hung pieces of her art on the wall, covered her window with gray curtains, and lit a candle so the room could smell nice. Her roommate had yet to arrive so she had the room to herself.

Soon after she had a meeting with her academic advisor to schedule her classes for the fall. The start of school was only forty-eight days away and she needed to know where her classes were located before they began.

They talked for over an hour and he laid out an eight-semester degree plan and discussed the classes that were a better suit for her major. By the end of the meeting, Maya walked out and headed towards the common area of the university.

There were tents laid out advertising their great clubs and sororities, people were running around spraying each other with water guns and balloons while some played music, and others talked in front of a crowd. Maya realized this was a perfect opportunity to find her group of friends, to find a Riley to hang out with, even though she couldn't replace her.

"Hey, do you need help?" a voice called out to her, "You look a little lost."

A smile framed the end of her lips as she turned around to see a pair of familiar brown eyes staring back at her. "I do, how'd you know?"

"Oh, well, you look like a freshie," Josh taunted, taking a step closer towards the blonde, "I guess I don't need to go back to New York to see you anymore."

"Guess not."

Being able to touch her, and see her, and know that their time together was permanent, felt like the biggest blessing Josh could ever ask for. He leaned in close and kissed her lips, "I'm so happy you're here. I can't believe you did this."

"I wanted to be with you."

He kissed her again, "This is amazing," he cheered, picking her up and twirling her. "Okay, where do you want to start?" he asked excitedly, "I can show you around? Wherever you wanna go we can go. I don't mind. There are great cafes here, you'll love them."

She smiled and reached for his hand, "Okay. Let's go find one and talk. You have a lot to teach me."

"Yeah, that sounds good. I like that."

Josh and Maya had spent a year apart, only being able to see each other for a few weeks at a time. But despite it all, their love for each other prevailed no matter the obstacle or the argument. They loved each other through thick and thin and on better days.

They were the kind of love Riley and Lucas were unable to fulfill. They settled their arguments and loved each other enough to respect each other. They hated hurting each other and instead chose a healthier option.

Their love ran deep and it continued to do so unconditionally.

ooo

And now the chapter is closed and done

And now it's goodbye, it's goodbye for us

Riley Matthews stood in front of the Washington Square Arch eyeing its intricate details. The iconography on the white marble centered on images of war and peace that reminded her of her challenges.

At just eighteen years old, Riley experienced more in a year than she had in a lifetime. She battled the highs and lows of a toxic love that shaped her to be the independent and carefree young woman she was today. She was no longer the girl that let herself be mistreated and emotionally abused by a boy she was once willing to give everything for.

That girl was long gone.

Lucas Friar was singlehandedly the biggest obstacle Riley's ever had to overcome. He was the biggest test in her life and surviving the heartbreak he left behind was something she admired herself for today. Everything in her life started to make sense the second he was gone and she wished she had realized it sooner.

Dating him was a one-way ticket to an endless spiral of depression and now that she had made it out alive, the storm had passed, the sky was blue and the grass was green again. She could finally breathe and walk the path she paved without anything dragging her away.

The imitation of the Roman Triumphal Arch was built throughout Rome hundreds of years ago to celebrate a victory or event. To Riley, her victory was cutting someone out of her life who was no longer good for her.

Someone who was slowly poisoning and suffocating her.

Hundreds of people passed her by as she fixated on her growth, but one thing remained constant; herself. She was certain the direction she was heading was crucial to her career path and her personal growth.

NYU to most people, offered a new beginning, a place where she could get away from all the negativity she had once experienced. It was a place in which she could find herself again and grow.

Riley once used to feel like she was a passenger in a car that was headed for a bumpy road and every time she looked out the window she was watching her life fall apart. She felt as though the driver had taken over and wanted to see her crash. These were the days she was dating Lucas and crying herself to sleep because her life was so messed up when he was around.

But now that he was gone, she had regained control. She was still driving down a road with twists and turns, but for the most part, it was smooth and easy to drive.

At times she'd get out the car and walk the path herself; taking things slow and at her own pace.

And when she did walk it, she'd walk with an air of superiority, eyeing her surroundings and the people who passed her by. She was now able to take in the things around her and breathe for a second, regaining her emotions and appreciating the little things in her life. Things she had missed and ignored because she was busy focusing on Lucas and prioritizing his needs.

She stood in front of her home building taking in the life she was about to begin. The building was big and students constantly walked in and out of it, knowing where to go and what to do. As she stood there watching them, she didn't know what college-life would entail, but she couldn't wait to blend in with them. She couldn't wait to have that much control and certainty in her life as a college student.

In a week from now, she would be settled in and potentially made a new friend, she'd have someone to talk to and when the time was right and they were ready to know each other, Riley would tell her story.

But until then, her smile married her otherwise pretty features as she neared the building excitedly.

As if she was free for the very first time.

The End

oOoOoOoOo

A/N: That concludes Lose You to Love Me. Thank you to everybody who read, reviewed, and supported. It means a lot to me and I hope that you guys can walk away from this story knowing more about toxic relationships than you did walking in. This seven-month-long journey is one I am extremely proud of and I feel like I can breathe now. I hope you're happy with the ending and I hope that last-minute twist caught you off guard. Missy's betrayal was the reason I wanted them to be friends in the first place. I wanted you guys to be upset and angry at what she would do. Deep down, Missy is just like her mother. All that psychological abuse shaped her to be the young woman she is and I hope humanizing her character helped you understand why she did that. She never stopped liking Lucas and being Riley's friend was all part of her plan. So... there you have it. Every character got their happy ending, well...some of them did. Whether or not Lucas is happy is up to you guys to decide, but you guys are smart I feel like you guys already know the answer. ;). I kind of left it on an open ending, in a way the ending can be seen as a beginning, a new chapter in Riley's life. Let me know your theories and how you think Riley's life would be different now. I'm excited to read what you guys think. I can't help but feel attached to this side of Riley I created, I guess it's because I emphasized her growth and her journey on a level I never did with the other stories I created. Same with Lucas' character as well. Anyway, if you are in a toxic relationship or know someone who is, please, please, help them. Or seek help yourself if you are. Talk to a trusted adult, you are NOT alone.

A few weeks back I mentioned that this was my last story on FanFiction. I've been on this platform for four years and written four stories for GMW and although I loved the experience, I feel like it's time to move on. I want to create and write other projects on a different platform; stories that aren't about GMW. I hope that everything I created helped you guys learn something and fall in love with creativity the way I did. Thank you guys so much for giving me the motivation and courage to write. Thank you for reading, reviewing, and supporting. It meant a lot.

You can continue to follow me on Wattpad. My username is inherelement. Check me out, talk to me.

So, with that being said, for the last time on this journey:

Follow, Favorite, and Review

Bye.