Hi guys. How you all doin? Thank you for all your reviews on the last chapter. You all are the freaking bomb dot com. Much love.

Okay so, a lot of feelings about that last chapter. CG just shoving both of them feet in his mouth. I know I said this chapter would require tissues but I actually wrote a brand new chapter this afternoon. I wanted CG to have a moment with his sister and his mom. He needs a woman's perspective on things. The next two chapters will explore the idea of babies and siblings... I split them into two chapters because... they are heavy and extremely personal to me. I will explain why when I post them. Both CG and AS have similar issues when it comes to being needed but they have manifested very differently in their personalities and lives. Right now, we're seeing that even though his birth mother and Elena are dead, the damage done by their neglect and conditioning is still very very prevalent in his nature. He may no longer need his old lifestyle but when you've been a certain way for 15 years... well, that shit can creep up here and there. He's going through growing pains, he's never been called out on his shit and never been in an relationship that was on equal footing. I mean it's great when it's lovey dovey but conflict is where the real growth happens and the dom/sub relationship was ALWAYS without conflict because as soon as it even teetered on the age of conflict, bro cut the chord and here AS is putting bro through his freaking paces.

For the last chapter's little fireworks, the thirst tweet video was definitely the catalyst and then he became cruel. Some reviews said that Ana is dragging her feet on the whole family issue but I would argue that she's been more than clear on what she's doing and she's been very honest with CG. Refer to Chapter 44 and their conversation in the old playroom. And as for her wanting her independence and own room, CG was the first to offer that as an incentive when he first wanted her to move in with him, Chapter 33 & Chapter 38 discuss that. I always tie everything back because... well, I want things to make sense. It's my brain. I don't always get it right but I try.

One review said these two were incredibly depressing and should break up. el oh el. These two aren't going to miraculously be cured of their issues. Hence the slow burn. And yes then tend to move two steps foward and get shoved three steps back... just like in real life. Shit happens. Everyone has different triggers. For CG it's jealousy and insecurity. For AS it's her low-self esteem and her family. Life is confusing and frustrating, but it's through these little stumbles they will get stronger because when they have their good moments, they are amazing and strong together, that's all I gotta say. Their relationship will always needs work, they are still very new in their journey if you think about it...

Lots of theories about what Vishaal is doing and whether or not he knows what is in the will. He doesn't know what's in the will. No one does, only I do, muhahaha. He's playing a game with AS. While his endgame to marry AS is obvious, it's more of how he gets there. One definite clue I will give you is that he doesn't care if she marries CG or not... he's convinced that in the end... he'll get AS. I know i've thrown a lot of other clues at you but most of them don't mean anything... you will eventually find that out. I promise.

I owe you guys an update on the sub club and Elena's estate too. That is coming soon as well.

Chapter 52 – you just keep on starin' at the sun

Sunday, March 8th, 2020

CPOV

I slowly open my eyes and see that Ana's left. I found her sleeping in TV room as some random chick flick played. I picked her up and brought her to bed with me.

She went to Pilates yesterday before I woke up and signed up for sessions at the NICU again. When she came home, she avoided me again spending the entire time in the kitchen prepping for this morning's brunch, while I spent the entire day in the study working... or trying to work. It was reminiscent of my earlier lifestyle... except this time, it actually felt lonely...

Once I'm fully awake and have regained proper brain function, I walk up the stairs and see her door is closed again. I take deep breath and walk towards the gym where I hear music playing. I walk in and see Ana in what looks like a forearm stand.

Elliot dated a girl a few years ago who was a yoga instructor and told me that watching a woman do yoga was like foreplay and I rolled my eyes at him. I'd let him know that I agree with him but I've already asked him for advice this week. I'm not keen on giving him another ego boost.

Fuck, she knows how to move. It's slow and the level control she has is... holy fuck she is flexible. I cannot believe I have never seen this before. She really has been hiding this from me. Those yoga pants are doing me no favors. This music is not helping my situation either... god dammit. Thank god for these loose sweats.

Can you follow me out to the water?
I can show you were sinking deeper
Let me know
'Cause I'm drowning for ya

After she's done she goes into child pose for a few moments and then slowly and gracefully gets up. She rolls her mat and turns around to leave but gasps a little when she sees me. Her face is flushed but it immediately tenses and she walks towards the door to leave.

"Ana, can we please talk?"

She stops and turns around and looks me in the eye. "Well?" she speaks softly.

"I'm sorry, I realize what I said was absolutely wrong. It was uncalled for."

"You know what Christian, I think you should take your time in New York to think of all the hurtful things you can say to me. I mean really go to town, let your imagination run wild, carte blanche as they say... and then when you come back, I want you to say all of those things to my face. Get them out of your system once and for all because I can assure you, anything you say to me, I've either already heard it or already have thought that of myself." There are no tears in her eyes as she speaks. No aggression in her voice. No malice... just utter disappointment and heartbreak. Her voice doesn't waver but holds strong and it feels like a slap on the face. I'd rather she yell at me instead.

"Ana, please I could never do that. I'm really sorry, what I said was reprehensible and I realize that now. I know I really need to work on my anger."

"This has happened twice now. You obviously have this all bottled up, so I'm giving you an out. Say whatever you want to say and move on. I didn't sign up to be your punching bag, so take this opportunity because I don't know what how generous I will feel the next time you decide to be cruel to me."

I can only look down to the floor. I don't have it in me to look her in the eye.

"You were right about Robbie."

"What else did his background check reveal?"

"That's he's Jose's brother-in-law."

"And?"

"That he's a stand up guy...why didn't you lead with that?"

"Why should I have to constantly prove who is worthy of being in MY life Christian? Why can't my trust and word on the matter be enough for you? I don't need you to remind of me of the one mistake I made in my life. I live with it almost every second of every day. I have enough self-loathing and shame about it to last me a lifetime." Her voice wavers a little and I look up and see tears fall from her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Ana. None of that was your fault and I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm just... I'm really not used to being...," defied at every turn. I shake my head. I can't use dominant language. Fuck. "I know there's a lot I need to learn about being in a relationship. I just... I don't want to lose you... I need you and I just have this fear of you not needing me..."

She looks up in frustration and takes a deep breath.

"You really need to talk to Flynn about this because if you keep this up you will push me away. I have my limits Christian and you are pushing them. I am really, REALLY trying here. I know how much baggage I come with and I'm really trying to not be a burden on you, I'm trying to be respectful of your life and boundaries but I don't think it will ever be enough. We could get married and it still wouldn't be enough for you. I am seeing that now. No matter what I do, no matter how much I explain myself or try to make you believe that I love you... it's just never going to be enough is it?"

I hang my head in shame.

"Christian, all of this suspicion and insecurity is not a hot look. You need to get over this. I can't keep pandering to it. You know, I could say a lot of shit to you too but I don't, you know why... because it's counter productive to what I want from this relationship and hurting you or holding your past against you is not the way to achieve that. I chose you. I gave myself to you completely. The whole god damn world knows that I'm your girlfriend and my family is literally jumping down my throat for me to marry you and they're treating you like a king. What MORE do you want from me? I am working on tell them all slowly about everything... I promised you I would and I am... but it's obvious that you don't trust me." Her voice breaks and she turns to walk out of the room.

I have nothing to say to her because words fail me. I fucked up again.

...

Once I'm done with gym, I take a shower and get dressed for the brunch. I walk out and see that Ana is almost done setting the table.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" I offer.

"No thank you." She walks back to kitchen.

"The table looks beautiful. I didn't know we had all of that stuff."

"You didn't. All your dishware is pretty formal. This all came with my stuff from the apartment."

She starts to cut fruit and arrange it on a wood board. I figure if I keep asking questions she'll answer and eventually she'll not think I'm such a dick.

"What time is everyone coming?"

"11:30. Mia is already on her way, she's helping me."

I check my watch and see that it's only 9:45am.

"What are you making?"

"You'll find out with everyone else." She says simply.

"Who else is coming?"

"Your parents, Elliot, Kate, Ethan, Jose, Phillip and Val."

"Am I invited?"

She looks up in annoyance. "It's being hosted in your apartment, what do you think?"

"Well, you never told me about it. So I figured, I wasn't." I say with a smirk.

Her face remains impassive and she rolls her eyes. "There's a place setting for you, so the choice is yours."

I continue to ask her questions much to her annoyance. I can tell I'm hitting a nerve now. I suppose Gremlin Ana could make an appearance. I'm being an asshole right now, but I've missed her voice and I'll take her any way I can get her.

15 minutes later the elevator pings and we hear Mia rushing out.

"I'M HEREEEEE." She sings. Christ, she really can be loud.

"Hi Mimi." I greet her with a chuckle and she comes in for a hug.

"Hi Big Brother." She smiles. "Hi Banana."

"Hey Mia cakes." She laughs.

"Okay so, what's on the agenda? What should I get started with?"

"Can you make the breakfast pies in about 20 minutes? I set out the puff pastry to thaw and cut the cherry tomatoes and set out the eggs. I've already prepped the quiche, I'll put that in to bake in another 30 minutes and I just put the French toast in the oven to bake."

"Just how much food are you guys making?" I ask a little surprised.

"Well, Elliot eats like a horse and we have 9 other people... we have got to make sure all the bases are covered." Mia giggles. "Big brother, did you help out with anything or has Banana done all of this on her own?"

"I offered but she's a control freak." I smirk.

"The goal was to actually survive and be able to enjoy this brunch. Didn't need the whole kitchen burning down." Ana mumbles as she cuts the fruit and Mia laughs.

Mia shakes her head. "Christian, you have got to learn how to cook... "

Mia plays some music and dominates most of the conversation while Ana interjects here and there.

"Oooh I love this song." Mia laughs and starts to sing and dance. Ana smiles but doesn't really participate outside of occasionally singing along.

'Cause I can count on you to let me down
I won't put up a fight
I got lost in the light (oh)

If you keep staring at the sun, you won't see
What you have become, this can't be
Everything you thought it was
Blinded by the thought of us, so
Give me a chance, I will
Fuck up again, I warned
You in advance
But you just keep on starin' at the sun

"Actually, Banana I'll be right back... Christian, can we talk in your study, need to run some Mile High stuff by you." Mia says. Mile High stuff?... Odd, we've never talked about that. She all but drags me to the study and sits me down.

"Okay fess up... what happened between you and Ana?"

"Who said anything happened?"

"Look at me Christian Trevelyan Grey... I spent two weeks in close proximity to both and I know the difference between sexual tension and 'I want to murder him' tension. So tell me... what happened?"

I rub my forehead. This is now way I'm going to get out of this with Mia.

"Mia, we had a fight. I fucked up and I'm trying to make it right."

"What did you do this time?" She crosses her arms and gives me her signature 'tell me right now or I will end you' look.

I give her a quick synopsis and she groans.

"You know what big brother... you have much to learn. You know you could've just called me right? I get that you needed bro time with Elliot but you also need a girl's perspective, in fact you DESPERATELY need it."

"So then give me your perspective, wise one." I roll my eyes.

"I like this, feel free to address me as 'Wise One' from now on." She giggles.

"Mia..." I groan.

"Okay fine, fine. Listen, nothing kills a relationship faster than insecurity. Why do you think my relationship with Sean was such a disaster?"

"Where is the fucker by the way? I never got to punch his face." I grumble.

"No you don't, because it wasn't his fault. I mean, not entirely. Look, when we started dating, I had just come back from France and I had nothing to do and he was trying to prove himself as an associate at his law firm, working 80-90 hour weeks and I was a clingy ass girlfriend who always complained... so he got sick of me. I mean I didn't make it easy on him either. We both were at fault, yes... but it was mostly mine. I only realized that through my relationship with Ethan. I have a mature and loving relationship with him and he pushes me to be independent and successful."

I look down and nod.

"Christian, Banana is crazy about you. Like, it's annoying how she talks about you and defends you when we make fun of you in private. Again, it's all fun and games but for some reason she loves you even though you're such a Grinch sometimes." She laughs and it makes me smile. "Men and women love differently, you're from Mars and we're from Venus... you shouldn't keep needing reassurance that she loves you when the biggest proof is the fact that she standing in your kitchen right now prepping lunch for your family after you colossally fucked up.

You don't understand how difficult it is being a woman, Christian. We may live in the 21st century but we STILL have to watch what we say, watch how we dress, trying to balance looking desirable enough for our partners but also be attentive enough to ward off advances. We're always on the offense. We're always trying to manage relationships and bring people together. Even though Ana is mad at you, she's throwing this brunch for you... this is your life now Christian. She is the reason why you have all of this happening on Sunday right now."

"I know... I've never felt this way before and... I don't want to lose her because I'm such an insecure ass. I'm trying..."

"Then why tempt fate? Look I don't know what your past relationships were like emotionally but it should be obvious that Ana is the most loyal and loving person you'll ever meet. Do you know what she said to me when you guys were on break? She said that after everything you had been through, we all had to focus on making sure we all, herself included, did whatever we could to make YOU feel, loved, safe, accepted and happy because that's what YOU deserve in this life. Always have and always will, Christian. I know with everything in the past it's done a number on you but you know what, we're all still here... I wish you could see that." she shrugs and looks away, wiping her eyes.

I try to swallow the lump in my throat. "I appreciate you saying that Mimi."

"Just don't look at your black amex bill and we're good." She laughs and comes to give me a hug. I kiss her temple and she heads out to help Ana in the kitchen.

...

"I vote that all Ana be in charge of all Sunday brunches from now on." Dad raises his glass and every one cheers.

"Well, Mia also helped me a lot so as long as I have her with me, I don't mind." Ana giggles. She's sitting next to me but again we haven't spoken much.

Grace laughs and shakes her head. "Nice try Cary, we all know you're always trying to cheat your way out of a healthy meal. Remember your cholesterol."

Jose and my dad have hit it off on all things legal. Dad has already threatened to poach him from GEH. Mom gives me a smile winks at me every now and then, I'd say it's embarrassing but it's actually not. She's happy, truly happy. All of her children are in healthy and loving relationships... well, as much as they can be.

"So Ana, how was it visiting your family, did they give Christian the third degree?" Mom asks, laughing.

"It was great, I hadn't seen them all since... well the wedding and they all loved Christian, more than me actually. They teased me all weekend so I'm never taking him there again." Ana giggles and Elliot and Mia look at us both like we've grown two heads.

"WAIT!" Elliot exclaims. "THEY LIKED HIM?"

"Yeah, what's not to like?" Ana laughs.

"No, Steele, are you sure we're talking about the same Christian 'I've got a stick up my ass' Grey?"

"Elliot, language." Grace chides and we all laugh.

"Lelliot, you'd be surprised... I was treated like royalty." I smirk.

"Great, they've created a monster." Mia groans.

"Now all we need is ring on that finger." Jose quips pointing his fork at Ana and they all laugh.

"Give it a rest, Jose." Ana rolls her eyes and looks to Grace again. "They all bonded and spoke French the entire time to annoy me, since I don't understand a word of it."

"They all speak French? That's wonderful."

"In addition to Urdu, Hindi and Punjabi they all speak French, Spanish and Mandarin since most of the family helps out with the business..."

"That's incredible. You didn't want to learn French?" Grace asks.

"Not really, I wanted to learn Italian but my high school didn't offer it and I thought I'd take it in college but I never got around to it." She shrugs with a smile.

"Can we please get back to your family liking him?" Elliot is still stuck on that train.

"Well, I've threatened them all to visit Seattle soon, so when they do, you can ask them yourself."

"Yeah, let me know ahead of time, I'll have an MRI machine on standby to scan for brain injuries just in case."

"Fuck off Lelliot." I bite back.

"Elliot, I'm warning you and Christian... watch it." Grace scolds but is unable to suppress her laugh like the rest of us.

Grace and Phillip have hit it off. They talk about all the fundraising initiatives and the different boards mom and dad are on. Once everyone's eaten and the table is cleared with the food put away, we all sit in the great room couches and catch up.

"I like you Mama Grey." Jose nods.

"I quite like the sound of that." Grace laughs.

They talk a little about girl's night and it has Grace in a fit of laughter.

"Are old broads such as myself allowed too? The last time I had a proper girls night's was when I was a young ingenue." She says wistfully.

"I prefer the term Goddess of Wisdom and the more the merrier... you can ask Elliot, we don't do much, just eat our weight in snacks, drink... and do elaborate skincare routines." Ana giggles.

"You'd be the guest of honor, Mama Grey." Jose winks.

"How did Elliot get to a part of it?" Mom asks in shock.

"Well Mama Grey, it appears your eldest son is quite the expert at girl talk." Ana laughs.

"Look at me Mom, I'm basically perfect. I can do anything. It shouldn't be a surprise." Elliot beams like the overly proud fucker than he is and Kate face palms.

"Christian, I guess it'll be just you and me, now that I've lost your mother to the masses. Ethan, I'm roping you in too." Carrick chuckles and rubs my shoulder.

We all sit and talk a little more till everyone slowly starts to head out. It's been an eventful afternoon and everyone is walking around a little buzzed and happy.

"Christian, can I talk to you over on the terrace?" Mom asks.

We step out into the afternoon sun, it's a little warm today and the fresh air feels nice.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm good mom." I give her a small smile. Of course I'm lying but I'm not going to worry her anymore than she already does.

"Well, I was just going to say, you should write her a letter. That's what you dad would do to me when he really fucked up."

"Mom..." I say in shock, Grace barely ever curses.

"It's okay, I'm older than you I can use the F word. Now listen to me, that beautiful girl looks like she's been crying. So write her a genuine heartfelt letter and treat it as a contract if you will, at least that's what Cary said to me one time. It was a reminder for him to not mess up in the future."

"How did you know?"

"Because I'm a woman and I'm a mom. It's okay, your dad and I used to fight all the time when we were young and we still do at times over trivial things but when it comes to the big things... well, I know you both have been through incredible hardships but I hope you can see past it all to love each other as you both deserve to be loved." She puts her hand on my cheek and I look down and nod.

"Thanks Mom, I'll do that."

"Good because I'd like to see grandbabies sooner than later."

"Mom... can you please relax."

"It's my job, Christian. Just let me have my fun." She laughs and winks at me.

...

After everyone left, Ana continued to avoid me by cleaning up everything and putting all the food away. I tried helping but she didn't really respond to anything I did. She has her way of doing things and she prefers doing it alone. I retreated to the walk-in closet to pack for the New York trip and then spent the rest of my time in the study catching up on work.

By the time I get done with everything it was almost 11pm. I go up to check on Ana and find her on the couch looking out the window, with her face resting on her forearms. The light is blue in her room this time. When I get closer, I see that she has fallen asleep. She looks adorable, this time in her floral pajamas and oversized WSU shirt. I pick her up and walk back to her bed, careful to not wreck the 1000 piece puzzle she working on the floor. She's about halfway done with it.

I tuck her in and lay with her for a while. Holding her tight and basking in the softness of her warmth and scent.

Roses, Jasmine and Ana.

Home.

She breathes softly, sometimes she hums a little but she looks peaceful. I close my eyes for a few moments trying to soak in as much of her as I can.

"Thank you for everything today baby. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm scared of how much I need you and love you. Please forgive me. I'm going to miss you so much. I love you." I kiss her neck and hold her for a while before I reluctantly leave her to go downstairs and get some shuteye before my 2am to New York flight out of Sea-Tac.

Authors Note: Next two chapter will mostly be APOV.

Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - chapter 52

Music:

Drowning - BANKS

Starin' At the Sun - Post Malone feat. SZA