Am I too mean to Chloe?
PROLOGUE
SERIOUSLY, STICK TO THE STORY!
{The frog wasn't the only one in space school... he had a rival... squirrel...?}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 24: Miraculous Miraculing Miraculer
By: I Write Big
Paris was on fire!
But, then again, when isn't it on fire these days?
Columns of black smoke blemished the sky as the flames ravaged the city! Fire engines roared! People screamed! Terror echoed down every street!
"Ugh! This is so boring," Chloe whined on the roof of the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel. The Queen Bee signal shined brightly into the smoke as it had during every Akuma battle since before Scarlet Moth. And like every Akuma battle, Ladybug hadn't shown up to give her the Bee Miraculous.
"I HATE PAY-CHANCE!" Chloe roared.
"Pa-tience," Sabrina gently corrected. "You know what'll make you feel better, Chloe? How about you dress as Ladybug and we practice kissing again?"
"No!" Chloe stomped to the roof's edge and glared at the Eiffel Tower as the monument imploded. "I am not going to settle for anything less than the real thing! Ladybug has to want me! She has to need me! SHE CAN'T ABANDON ME LIKE MOMMIKINS!" she screeched on the verge of tears.
Sabrina gasped. "Chloe! You haven't been going to therapy as I told you, have you?"
"No, Mistress," Chloe sighed. "Why would I need therapy? My mommikins is back in my life. I don't resent her, I don't lay awake at night fearing that if I do the wrong thing she'll leave me again, I'm not projecting anything!"
Her mommikins poked her head through the door. "Chloe, hhhI'm leaving—"
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
"—to get some hhhhand cream. Do hhhyou need anything?"
"Oh." Chloe cleared her throat and smiled through her embarrassment. "No."
While the girls were venting, a third-party was spying. Mayura flashed a mad grin at Chloe. The emotional anguish coming off the girl made the monster salivate.
"Mayura! Mayura!" Hawkmoth's voice raged from the peacock fan. "You bring Nathalie back this instant."
"If she didn't want to go for a walk—" the blue woman said calmly, then her demeanor abruptly twisted to unstable, ("—then she shouldn't have said, 'Spread My Feathers!'")
"It was a mistake! We were discussing my winter lineup! It has a lot of feather boas! I'm bringing them back into fashion!"
"Still counts," Mayura snickered. ("Knock knock.) Who's there? (A girl with mommy issues who looks like a lot of fun!")
Hawkmoth went pale. "Oh no..."
The girl who had Mayura's attention clenched her phone as she listened to Nadia Chamak narrate the Akuma battle. In a matter of seconds, Ladybug, Chat Noir, Rena Rouge, and Carapace had won. Chloe watched the wave of magical ladybugs wash over the city and put out all the fires. The day had been saved.
Without her.
Again.
Chloe pulled out the selfie she had taken with Ladybug many months ago. She traced a longing finger over the heroine's annoyed, get-the-fuck-off-me face.
In the middle of her moping, Sabrina held her friend close. "I know it's hard, Chloe, but I'm still here. I won't abandon you. I'll never leave you behind. I lov—"
"YOU'RE NOT LADYBUG, YOU DON'T COUNT!"
Meanwhile:
Ladybug, Carapace, and Rena Rouge landed in an alley, hidden from any prying eyes. The latter two transformed back into their civilian selves.
"Ha! Another successful hunt!" Trixx beat her chest in victory and snuggled against Alya's face. "Who's a good Muffin? You are! Who's good at hunting the human resistance filth? You are! Yes, you are!"
"That was amazing!" Alya gushed. "As long as I ignore the fact that I'm now a child soldier in a seemingly perpetual demon war that can only end in my death, I love being a hero!"
"Yeah!" Nino agreed. "Wait, what was that about a demon war?"
"Hero?" Trixx asked suspiciously. "Don't you mean slave?"
It got very quiet.
Wayzz quickly snatched the Miraculouses and tossed them to Ladybug. Both kwamis vanished from existence.
"Thanks for the help, bye-eeeeeeeee!" Ladybug said quickly and swung away.
"No, seriously," Nino said. "Why did your genie-thing say slave and what war are you talking about?"
"Poor, sweet, naive Nino." Alya shook her head and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "Lemme explain the crap storm you've gotten yourself into."
Back at the Eiffel Tower:
Ladybug landed next to Chat Noir and the boy asked, "Still haven't talked to her, huh?"
His partner stared blankly at him. "Talked… to… who… exactly?"
"I understand why you're wary to use her," Chat Noir continued. "It can be dangerous, secret identities and all that, but she at least deserves to hear it from you."
"Hear what from me? Who? Can I get fucking name?"
Chat Noir blinked and then said like it was obvious, "Chloe."
Ladybug spasmed with a look of horror. "Oh fuck..."
"Yeah, I totally get that since the entire city, including Hawkmoth, knows she's Queen Bee it's a gamble to give her powers."
Ladybug began to tremble. "Oh fuck."
"But just ignoring her all this time without an explanation, especially after you told Chloe that she could be Queen Bee, might come off as mean."
"Y'up!" Ladybug shouted with a super-guilty smile. "That's why I haven't gone to Chloe all this time! Strategy, identities, and all the crap you said! I didn't forget she existed! Nope! I should go talk to the girl who was raised to respond violently to neglect now before she responds violently to my neglect!"
Her earrings beeped.
"FUCK!"
With no time to get to the hotel before she de-transformed, Ladybug headed for school.
Later, at the Agreste Mansion:
Duusu zipped around Gabriel's office, excitedly chatting, "I like this Chloe! I like her a lot! Problems at home, bad at relationships, and stuck with Pollen? She's dripping with fun, fun, fun! We should akumatize her next, Gabe!"
"Out of the question!" Gabriel shot back as he replaced the pale and sickly Nathalie's blood bag. "She's too unstable. I made that mistake twice now and both times Chloe nearly destroyed the world."
"She whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Duusu's demonic eyes sparkled with stars.
"Yeah, she totally did," Nooroo confirmed with an evil smile.
"I need to see this," Duusu whispered in awe.
"No! You! Don't!" Gabriel reared on the kwamis. "Chloe will never be akumatized and you, Duusu, are never transforming Nathalie ever again!"
There was a pause.
Nooroo leaned over and whispered into Duusu's nonexistent ear, "Watch this." Nooroo then flew to Gabriel with a look of remorse. "You're right, Gabriel, we're sorry, we got too excited. We won't akumatize Chloe, we promise."
"Good." Gabriel nodded firmly.
"But you know..." Nooroo continued with a hint of sinister intent. "It's only a matter of time until she becomes something so much worse. An Akuma can be de-akumatized, but a person needs emotional support. All those issues of hers, they'll just keep growing and growing until they have nowhere else to go and… pop!"
Gabriel stiffened. "Oh my Astruc, you're right. We need to help Chloe."
"Oooh! OOOH!" Duusu eagerly jumped in. "I know who can help, Gabe!"
Later, at a park:
Lila Rossi was reading the bank account information she had stolen from somebody by lying to them about how she was a long lost relative/Nigerian princess when a limo pulled up behind her bench. The window rolled down and Gabriel Agreste stuck his head out.
"Hi, intern, are you ready for your first assignment?" he asked.
"I'm more than ready, Mr. Agreste," Lila replied maliciously. "Whatever you need to be done in order for you to lower your guard even further so my hostile takeover of the Gabriel Brand will go smoothly."
"That's what I like to hear. Enthusiasm! Alright, intern, your target is Chloe Bourgeois."
"Chloe," Lila sneered. "That snot-nosed brat thinks she's so great just because she's trying to be nicer. I'll show her nice..."
"I need you to be her friend," Mr. Agreste said.
Lila's sneer faltered for a moment but was then replaced with her signature sly grin. "Oh, her friend, right, I got ya." She winked at him. "Gain her trust and all that?"
"Exactly," Mr. Agreste nodded kindly, not an ounce of hidden meaning behind his sincere words. "Show her that there's at least one person in this world who won't abandon her."
"The whole nine yards, all the way, BFFs you mean? I can make that happen." Lila rubbed her hands together like a villain, tons upon tons of hidden meaning behind every single one of her vile words. "I'll make Chloe truly believe that I'm there for her. MuahahahHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAA!"
"You got this. Good luck, intern." Mr. Agreste drove away. "There, now we don't have to worry about Chloe anymore."
Duusu and Nooroo high-fived.
Later, at school:
Marinette frantically searched the courtyard. "Chloe? Chloe, are you here? Chloe?"
"Rena Rouge and Carapace are so tacky!" she heard a familiar someone bitch.
"Chloe!" Marinette followed the bitching to a corner where the girl she was looking for complained to a group of their classmates.
"Why does Ladybug keep using them when I, Chloe Bourgeois, a-k-a, Queen Bee, the most nicest, the most humble, the most pay-chance person in all of Paris—"
"Chl—"
"Chloe!" Lila shoved Marinette into a trash can and skipped to the blonde. "Hey, everyone, could you give Chloe and me some space? You all have horrible breath."
"We are sorry, Lila!" the class wailed and crawled away. "We are vermin in your presence. All hail Lila! Praise be to Lila!"
Chloe examined Lila from top to bottom. "Uh… who are you and why the ugly bangs?" she asked, slightly disgusted.
"Hahaha! Oh, Chloe, you're such a riot," Lila said sweetly. "It's me, Lila."
"Never heard of you," Chloe said flatly.
"We're in the same class together."
"Not ringing a bell."
"The school literally threw me a parade when I cured Hep-C."
Chloe stared at Lila, drawing a complete blank.
Lila resumed laughing sweetly. "Hahaha! What a sense of humor you have, just like Ladybug said."
"Ladybug!?" Chloe snapped to attention. She lifted Lila into the air by her collar and shook her. "You know Ladybug?! Tell me! TELL ME!" Chloe caught herself and put Lila down. "I mean, ahem, oh, you know Ladybug? How interesting. Tell me more, p—pllllll—plllleeeeeeeeeeeech— Ugh! I still can't get the magic word right."
"Oh, me and Ladybug? It's mostly physical, but she's always there for me when I need her. If I ever feel like a makeout sesh..." Lila made her sly grin. "I just do the Ladybug Dance."
Chloe squinted at Lila. "Ladybug Dance? What kind of an idiot do you take me for?"
"First-class."
"You're Astruc-damn right." Chloe snapped her fingers and dozens of butlers appeared with platters full of gold bars and pyramids of cash. "How much do you want for the Dance?"
"'How much?'" Lila gasped as if she was appalled. "Chloe, I'll tell you how to do the Ladybug Dance for free. That's what friends do."
"Friends..." Chloe squeaked out the sacred word as her eyes started to go misty. "You actually want to be my… friend?"
Lila coiled an arm around Chloe like a snake. "Who wouldn't want to be friends with the new nice Chloe Bourgeois?" And as a joyous tear rolled down Chloe's cheek, Lila whispered the Dance into her ear. "Just do that and Ladybug will come running, unless of course she isn't really your friend. Bye, new friend!"
It had finally happened. Chloe could hardly believe it. After all the nice lessons and apologies and the stupid pay-chance, she'd finally made a friend. The sensation of being wanted and cared for was better than she could've ever imagined, almost as fulfilling as her mommikins telling Chloe that she loved her. That hadn't happened yet but she hoped it would be amazing.
"GAAH!" A trash can toppled over nearby and Marinette crawled out. "Ugh… my head… CHLOE!" Marinette shot to her feet and ran to the girl. "Please don't be mad at Ladybug. She'll talk to you today, I swear. You may not like what she has to say but… Chloe?"
The girl was staring off into the distance as if she were in a dream.
"Chloe, yoo-hoo, can you hear me?"
"Friend," Chloe giggled and went to class.
Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:
A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man patting himself on the back. "A job well done. Lila really stepped up. I've never felt Chloe so happy. At this rate, she'll never be akumatized for the rest of her life. It's nice to see everything working out for once."
A few feet behind him, Nathalie moaned and groaned on her gurney, trying to get the Knock-Knock jokes out.
"Take it easy, Nat," Duusu consoled. "Deep slow breaths. Let's try a few mental exercises to clear your head. What do you call putting butter on bread?"
"Uh… spread."
"Yes! What's the opposite of your?"
"...My..."
"Correct! You're good at this! Last question. What's this made of?" Duusu pulled out a feather boa.
Later:
School was over and everyone was heading home. In particular, Chloe pranced to her solid gold limo, happier than anyone had ever seen her.
"I have a frieeend! I have a frieeend!" she sang to herself over and over, causing many to stare. As her limo pulled away, Marinette was practicing her lines behind a bus stop.
"Chloe, I know I said you could be Queen Bee, but merde happens and well—No, that's terrible. Chloe, it's not that I forgot about my promise and all the progress you've made to become a better person and completely abandoned you like your mom—That's even worse! Okay, c'mon, you can do this, Marinette. Chloe, you can't be Queen Bee, I'm sorry. How was that, Tikki?"
"Wear a helmet and a bulletproof vest and you'll only lose your limbs," Tikki said. "Probably."
Trembling as if she were marching to her own execution, Marinette transformed into Ladybug and swung toward the hotel.
Meanwhile:
"D'aww, Chloe is making Sabrina dress up as Lila." Hawkmoth took a second to digest that. "That's… not creepy, right? Is that creepy, Nathalie?" He turned and saw her gurney was empty.
"Nathalie?"
No response.
"Duusu?"
No response.
"Uh oh."
Blocks away:
Mayura took a deep invigorating breath atop a rooftop. "Ahhhh, there's nothing like the smell of (city sewage in the morning.) It smells like (victory.")
"Mayura!" Hawkmoth raged from her fan. "I told you no more transforming Nathalie."
"What's that, Gabe? (Kshhh!) I can't hear you. (Kshhh!) Bad—(Kshhh!)—ction. (Kshhh!) Going through a tunnel—(Kshhh!)—call you back."
Mayura snapped her fan shut and madly grinned down at a park where a woman was pushing a baby stroller. The baby within was making quite a ruckus.
"Lollipop! Lollipop!" baby August wailed over and over.
"Speak to me, August!" the woman cried. "Don't let the gypsy's curse beat you. Remember, you are not a baby, you're a grown man, you're my husband. We're only sixty good deeds away from reversing the spell!"
Mayura bounced on the balls of her feet. "Time for (fun, fun, fun!)" She plucked a feather from the fan and filled it with darkness. With a puff of breath, she sent the Amuk down to the baby where it shattered on August's pacifier.
Instantly a ten-story goliath made of car-sized lollipops came into being before them!
"Hi there, kid!" it said. "I'm the Lollipop King, here to bring sugar and happiness to every boy and girl and everything in between!" The Sentimonster introduced itself with a little dance. However, since its head was a literal lollipop with no mouth, its peaceful greeting came out as a booming and terrifying, "Huuuaaaraa! Uuuuuuuuooooooaoaaaaaaaaaaa!" And since it was ten-stories tall, the Lollipop King's whimsical jig meant to bring smiles to children's faces ended up crushing several buildings.
"MONSTER!" August's wife cried and wheeled them away, leaving August's pacifier behind.
"Don't run," the Lollipop King tried to say. "I'm your friend." But again, with no mouth, it came out as, "Uuuuuuuraaaaaruuuuuu!"
The mighty cry caught the attention of everyone. It caught the attention of Ladybug who was grateful for one more distraction before she had to face Chloe. It caught the attention of Chloe. She ran for the hotel roof. It caught the attention of Ape-Man who put the pedal to the metal and took the fast and the furious route home and carried Adrien all the way to his room.
When he was alone, Adrien quickly transformed into Chat Noir and joined Ladybug.
"Talk about an aggressive sweet tooth, huh, M'Lady?" Chat Noir smirked.
Ladybug gave him his mandatory slap across the face and said, "Chat, something weird is going on around here. I'm not seeing any akumatized objects on this Akuma."
"Hello, new colorful animal-friends. Do you want a hug?" The Lollipop King reached out its hardened sugary arms and obliterated the building the heroes were on.
"That's because it's not an Akuma, LB," Chat Noir pleasantly explained as they jumped to a new building. "It's a Sentimonster. Don't tell me you forgot about those too. It's like an Akuma, except instead of a person being transformed into a villain, their negative emotions just create a mindless monster out of nothing."
Ladybug stared at him, then at the Sentimonster, then at her fists. "So what you're saying is… there's no innocent person in there and I can just kill it?" she asked eagerly.
Chat Noir thought about this. "Huh. I guess so."
Ladybug cracked her knuckles. "Me likey."
At the Grand Paris Hotel:
Chloe burst onto the roof and flipped on the Queen Bee signal. "This is it! Today's the day! I can feel it!" she said. "Hurry up, Sabrina!"
Sabrina obediently joined, adjusting her new Lila wig and costume. From her phone, they heard Nadia narrating the fight once more.
"And it looks like Ladybug has ripped one of the lollipop monster's arms off and is breaking its legs with it," Nadia said.
"Any minute now," Chloe said, watching the battle in the distance.
"She's used her Lucky Charm and summoned a… a chainsaw? Um, we might need to censor this broadcast."
"Any minute now."
"Wow, Ladybug is thirsty for blood today, folks. If that thing could bleed, all of Paris would be red right now."
"Any minute now."
"How is that poor thing still alive? Killing it now would be a mercy."
"Any… minute..." Chloe's hope began to fade. Seeing her best friend like this, Sabrina quickly stepped in.
"How about I grab the Ladybug and Chat Noir costumes and you can pretend Lila is the new Ladybug and you can practice kissing her?"
"Yeah, yeah, shush, you're gonna make me miss it," Chloe shooed her away. As soon as she was alone, Chloe remembered the Ladybug Dance that Lila had told her about. She'd been too overjoyed from having a friend to realize how embarrassing the Dance was until just now. There was no way in hell she'd perform this Dance in front of anybody.
Chloe looked around.
The coast was clear.
She took a deep breath and, for the first time in her entire life, put her trust in friendship. As per Lila's instructions, Chloe pressed her fists against her sides and flapped her elbows. At the same time, she stomped her feet and bobbed her head while reciting the sacred incantation.
"I don't wanna be a chicken.
I don't wanna be a duck.
I wanna be with Ladybug.
Na na na na."
She repeated this over and over, again as per Lila's instructions, continuing the sacred Dance and shutting the rest of the world out of her mind.
Jean-Something entered. "Mademoiselle—"
"I don't wanna be a chicken.
I don't wanna be a duck.
I wanna be with Ladybug.
Na na na na."
"Never mind." Jean-Something left.
Her daddikins entered. "Chloe-kins, have you seen my—"
"I don't wanna be a chicken.
I don't wanna be a duck.
I wanna be with Ladybug.
Na na na na."
"Where did I go wrong?" Her daddikins left.
Her mommikins entered. "Chloe, darling, it just hhhoccured to me I never told you that I love you—"
"I don't wanna be a chicken.
I don't wanna be a duck.
I wanna be with Ladybug.
Na na na na."
"hhhAnd I guess I never will." Her mommikins left.
Back in the fight:
"No! Please! I only wanted to spread joy and candy!" the Lollipop King begged as Ladybug pressed the chainsaw's polka-dotted teeth to its head. Again, its pleas came out as a monstrous, "Uoa! Ooou! Uuuuuauauauuuoooooo!"
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
The chainsaw sliced the lollipop head in half. The Lollipop King stopped moving.
"That was very therapeutic," Ladybug said.
"Well done, LB," Chat Noir said, a little weirded out. He had not moved from his spot during the entire fight which had been more of a slaughter. "But you only needed to de-evilize the Amuk." He pointed at August's pacifier on the ground.
"Ugh. Boring." Ladybug crushed the pacifier and cocked an eyebrow at the feather that floated out. "How can a little feather cause so much chaos?" she asked absently.
The feather went up Chat Noir's nose. He turned pale. "Uh oh, allergic, ahh… ahhh… AAAA—"
Ladybug ducked.
Back at the hotel:
Chloe gawked as the waves of magical ladybugs cleaned up the sugary leftovers. She'd thought the explosive sneeze that had destroyed several buildings was a sign that the battle was still raging on. "But-but-but I did the Ladybug Dance!" she shouted to the heavens. "Why didn't it work?! I did everything Lila told me—"
And then it clicked.
"Lila..."
Chloe's grip on the roof's railing tightened until the stone cracked.
"Lila!"
Her teeth clenched until they cracked too.
"THAT LYING COCKSUCKING WHORE! I'M GOING TO KILL HER!"
Sabrina entered with the Ladybug and Chat Noir costumes, still dressed as Lila. "Chloe, I'm back! Did you still want to practice kissing Lila as Ladybug or do a little whipping as Chat Noir?"
Chloe snapped around, murder in her eyes. In her rage, Sabrina's costume became real and Lila was before her. "Lila, you lied to me!" she growled.
"Lied? Lila?" Lila gasped. "Lila is perfect in every way. She'd never tell a lie. All hail Lila. Praise be to—"
Chloe grabbed Lila and slammed her against the door. "I trusted you, Lila!" Chloe shouted. "You said you were my friend!"
Lila shuddered in ecstasy and drooled a little. "Ooh, you're taking back the Dom pin, Chloe? It's about time. Harder."
"You think you're better than me? I'm a hero! You're nothing!"
"Mmmm! Harder, Mistress!"
Blinded by fury, Chloe dragged Lila across the building and held her over the roof's edge. The hard unforgiving street waited far below.
"That's what I'm talking about, Mistress!" Lila squealed in delight. "Give it to me! Make me beg for forgiveness!"
The Lila wig slipped off and the illusion broke.
Chloe blinked.
She quickly pulled Sabrina to safety and stepped away in shock.
"Mistress," Sabrina whined. "I didn't say banana."
"Go away." Chloe dropped to the floor and pulled out her selfie with Ladybug. All the rage was gone. There was only despair.
"What? But Chl—"
"I don't want to play with you anymore!"
Sabrina could tell she meant it and it hurt her. Like a whipped puppy, she gathered the costumes and left Chloe alone.
Meanwhile:
Hawkmoth gawped. "Holy fuck!" he said. "What the fuck just happened? How did Chloe go from ultimate happy to ultimate depressed? Lila is going to get some very bad marks on her performance review."
He suddenly noticed there was a butterfly in his hand.
"Uh, Noor—" It suddenly became difficult to speak as his other hand covered the butterfly without him wanting to and filled it with darkness.
"Nooroo, you promised!" he struggled to say.
I had my fingers crossed.
"You don't have fingers!"
Details.
The Akuma fluttered out the spiral window and found Chloe. It shattered on her photo of Ladybug. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.
"Chloe, Chloe, Chloe," Nooroo said with Hawkmoth's mouth. "Always a fountain of entertainment. Let's go get that Bee Miraculous together and make Queen Wasp Three: Revenge of the Bitch."
She said nothing.
"Chloe?" Nooroo prompted.
Her eye twitched.
"Uh oh, I think she's frozen. Might need to reboot her—"
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
The powerful shout hit Hawkmoth like a speeding train, flinging him down the mini-elevator shaft, through Gabriel's office, out the window, and into the front yard where he landed unceremoniously in a pile of manure.
"Wha happun?" Hawkmoth deliriously asked through several chewy chunks.
She said no.
"They can say no?!"
Yes, and you have you to respect that.
"You never listen when I say no!"
I don't respect you.
Meanwhile:
Chloe chucked the possessed Ladybug photo away. Instantly the Akuma fluttered out of the object, harrumphed at the girl, and fluttered off. It didn't need Chloe's approval. The Akuma could already sense another source of negativity.
As she watched the insect go, Chloe was washed with newfound purpose. "I did it," she whispered. "I actually did it."
BLAM!
The Pink Devil appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. "Don't worry, Chloe, I'll save—" She saw the Akuma flutter into the building. "Wait. You resisted it?"
"I resisted it all on my own!" Chloe cheered.
"Holy Big Red X!" the Pink Devil cried in dismay. "But I did everything right! How are we still in the timeline where you turn evi—" Timetagger tackled the Pink Devil off the roof.
In the elevator:
Sabrina sulked, clutching the costumes to her chest. She was so bad at being the Mistress, no wonder Chloe was stressed. If only they could go back to the good old days. She shed a nostalgic tear as she remembered them dressing up as Ladybug and Chat Noir and chasing the dastardly Mr. Big Mustachio through the hotel's death traps.
Please, Mademoiselle, I have a family! he'd always beg as he ran through the swinging axes.
She remembered the tickle fights that always ended with her tied to the bed and begging for release.
Yes, Mistress, don't stop! Don't stop! she'd cry as her eyes rolled into the back of her head.
And most endearingly, she remembered the post-play cuddle seshes on the roof, watching the sunset, drinking hot cocoa, rubbing lotion on her bruises. It was perfect.
Banana! BANANA! Chloe would scream whenever Sabrina tried to hug her. Now Chloe almost never wanted to play Ladybug and Chat Noir. Instead, all she wanted was hugs. It was so confusing. Things were simpler back then.
The black butterfly shattered on her Chat Noir battle staff. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man buried in manure.
"What the—" Hawkmoth started to say before his face went slack and a sinister grin appeared. "Hello there. What's your name?"
Back at the park:
"That was an easy fight," Ladybug said after the city was put back together, "but I can't help feeling like I forgot to do something very important."
"Did you?!" snarled someone new. Just then a cotton-candy-haired girl in a black jumpsuit twirling a tonfa landed on the park's merry-go-round. "Was it perhaps talking to Chloe?" Miraculer shouted. "Ladybug, you've ignored Chloe for the last time!"
Ladybug blinked. "Oh yeah, you're right! Thanks for reminding me. I'll head on over there right now." She turned toward the hotel and walked away.
"Wait! Hey! Hold on!" Miraculer sputtered. She dashed after Ladybug and jabbed her in the back with her tonfa. Instantly, rows of ladybug symbols appeared on her black jumpsuit. "Aha!" the villain cackled. "I've taken away your Lucky Charm, Ladybug! Its powers now belong to me! Behold!" Miraculer threw her tonfa into the air and called out, "Lucky Charm!"
Into her hands fell a polka-dotted pencil eraser.
Miraculer stared.
Chat Noir stared.
Ladybug guffawed. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, I figured as much. Have fun figuring out that useless power. Chat Noir, kick her ass, will ya?" She swung away.
"With pleasure, Bugaboo," he replied. "CataclHUGHU!" he rasped as a pencil eraser was chucked into his throat. Miraculer's tonfa connected with his stomach and green pawprints joined the rows of ladybugs.
"Cataclysm!" Miraculer shouted and her tonfa coursed with Ultimate Destruction. She jammed the weapon into Chat Noir's ribs. The cat-boy was flung through the park fence and he mowed down several buildings.
Hawkmoth whooped! "YEEEES! WOOO! Nooroo and Duusu might've started this for the wrong reasons, but we did it! We defeated Chat Noir! Take his Miraculous, Miraculer!"
The Akuma followed the trail of wreckage to an alleyway where she found… Adrien Agreste!
"Uh… Chat Noir went that way?" he said, gripping his ribs in obvious pain.
"You can't escape me, Chat Noir!" Miraculer proclaimed, darting in the direction Adrien had pointed. The boy slid to the ground, moaning and groaning.
"What is this?" Plagg whined. "Is this pain? Am I in pain right now? This sucks! UGH! I promise to be a good tyrant over humanity. No pain."
"Plagg, we just got Cataclysmed in the ribs. Shouldn't we be dust by now?"
"I don't know what's gonna happen, man. This has never happened to me before. Anything can happen! ANYTHING!"
Pop.
Plagg grew a nose.
Meanwhile, at Fu's Massage Parlor:
Fu placed the Miraculous Box at Marinette's feet and feebly backed away. "You must be facing tough Akuma if you need allies again, Marinette."
"Akuma?" Marinette scoffed. "I'm telling Chloe that she can't be Queen Bee, I need all the muscle I can get." She grabbed the Miraculouses she needed, including the Bee Miraculous.
"Wait, why you take Bee Miraculous if—"
"Fu, trust me, it's the only way, I know how Chloe thinks."
Later:
Ladybug landed on the roof where she was supposed to meet Chat Noir. She saw the tips of his ears peeking over a chimney. "Chat, I got the Bee Miraculous. I need you to give it to Chloe—OH MY ASTRUC!"
Slouching before her, heavily leaning on his battle staff as it were a walking stick, was a wrinkled, skin-and-bones, seventy-something senior citizen in Chat Noir's leather.
"Huh? What's that? Who's talking?" Old Chat Noir raised a trembling hand to his hairy ear and listened carefully. "Speak up, young whippersnapper."
"Chat Noir? What the fuck happened to you?!"
"Oh, M'Lady!" he wheezed excitedly and flashed his gums at her. "Was wondering when you and your sweet booty would get here. I took a Cataclysm to the ribs and, wouldn't you know it, the darn thing is rapidly aging me to death. Shame you didn't get here thirty-minutes ago. I was a heartstopping silver fox. Since then, I've lost a kidney, complete control of my bladder, and nearly all of my hearing. But I still got my abs." He very slowly flexed. He indeed still had his abs. "Now, what needs doing?" He saw the Bee Miraculous and snatched it before she could stop him. "One Miraculous for Chloe, coming right up."
"Um, are you sure you can still fight?" she asked warily.
"Fight? I got twenty more years left in me at least. To battle!" He shook a bony fist and very slowly shuffled with the energy of a Spartan warrior in the opposite direction of the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel.
Ladybug picked him up and spun him around.
Meanwhile with Chloe:
Mayura was watching her new most favorite toy in the world with great anticipation. "Here it comes, here it comes, (here it comes!")
The madwoman's snickers went unheard as Chloe leaned against the roof railing with a look of deep contemplation. It had been quite a day. She'd gotten angry at the world before but this time felt different. After the screaming and yelling, that endless loathing aimed at some nameless thing she couldn't put her finger on didn't return as it always had. There was no anger. There was no hate. There was only the photo of Ladybug that had nearly akumatized her still by her feet, still on her mind.
"Chloe!" Miraculer descended onto the rooftop with a twirl. "Good news! I took away Ladybug's powers and I can give them to you! You can finally be Ladybug, just like you always dreamed of!"
Chloe's head slowly turned to Miraculer, not even a hint of surprise from her appearance.
"Sabrina, I don't want to be Ladybug," Chloe said. She didn't spare a glance at the red polka-dotted orb that glowed on the tip of Miraculer's tonfa.
Miraculer blinked. "Uh, I'm not Sabrina, I'm Mira—"
"Sabrina!"
"Yes, Mistress!" Miraculer snapped to attention.
"I don't want to be Ladybug," Chloe repeated calmly. Her words slipped out with the serenity of a Buddhist monk who had achieved true enlightenment. "I used to. I really did. I used to dress up as Ladybug for everything: eating out, swimming, sleeping, being awake, but that was just me hiding." She picked up the Ladybug selfie and gazed peacefully at it. "Ever since mommikins left, I latched onto Ladybug, built her up to be someone she wasn't because I was afraid of being powerless, useless, ignored, unable to control my world. And that's okay. Everyone feels powerless sometimes. That's part of life." She smiled. "I don't need power."
Miraculer's jaw dropped.
Mayura's jaw dropped.
Across the city, Hawkmoth's jaw dropped.
"No power? At all? You don't even want Chat Noir's power?" Miraculer asked. "Because I have that too."
"Sabrina..." She pulled the villain into a hug. "I don't need power. Not even Queen Bee's power."
"Really?" asked Chat Noir. Both girls turned to the cat-geezer who was suddenly there, leaning heavily on his battle-staff.
"Grandpa?" Chloe asked. "Why are you dressed like Chat Noir?"
"I am Chat Noir," he claimed. "And I was told to give this to you, Chloe, but if you don't want it..." He held out the Bee Miraculous.
Chloe shoved Miraculer off the roof. "FUCK WHATEVER THE HELL I JUST SAID! GIVE THAT TO ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!" She scrambled like a freak to Chat Noir, clawing for her Precious.
"Cartwheel-yoink!" Mayura said as she flipped between the teens and nabbed the Bee Miraculous. The villain landed on the other side of the roof like a badass and dangled the hair comb enticingly. "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play The Price Is Right! (With your host: Mayura!) Today's contestant is Chloe Bourgeois, come on down!"
Loud applause from an audience nobody could see thundered around them.
"The fuck is going on?" Chloe asked as exciting fanfare music played in the air.
"Sounds like my Father's favorite show is on!" Chat Noir said happily.
"Chloe!" Mayura continued like the world's most overpaid gameshow host. "Today we have for you (one Bee Miraculous!) Asking price: your eternal loyalty to the dark side! (Do we have a deal?")
"Deal!" Chloe instantly agreed. The crowd went wild.
"Chloe!" Chat Noir scolded. "They're the bad guys!"
"Ugh, fine," she grumbled. "No deal." The audience booed.
Miraculer jumped back to the roof, ready to fight.
Mayura clapped. ("Goody!) Looks like it's time for the (Lightning Round!")
Chat Noir gasped and raised his staff. "Get behind me, Chloe!" CRACK! "Ah! My hip! LB, where are you?"
Meanwhile:
"Get back here!" Ladybug roared, chasing Nino with the Turtle Miraculous. "We need to help Chat Noir before he goes on life support!"
"No, ladydude! I don't wanna be part of your not cool demon war! You can't make me!" Nino wailed.
"Just accept your fate, Nino," Rena Rouge called from the sidelines. "It's much easier."
Back in the fight:
"Alright, let's try this again. Lucky Charm!" Miraculer tossed up her tonfa and down came a polka-dotted hairdryer. "How does Hawkmoth keep losing to these morons?! This superpower sucks!"
"Au contraire!" Mayura cackled and flipped the dryer on. The gentle breeze of warm air blew softly against old man Chat Noir's face and his wrinkly skin folds ballooned like a ship's sail.
"Too powerful!" Chat Noir grunted, unable to resist the unrelenting wind, and fell over.
"This feels mean," Miraculer said, lowering her weapon.
"Comedy is tragedy plus time," Mayura replied. ("Clearly we need more tragedy.") The madwoman tore the hairdryer from Miraculer's hands and set it to Turbo! The blast of air which was strong enough to barely lift a piece of paper easily pushed the brittle and defenseless Chat Noir toward the roof's edge.
"Whoa! Mayura!" Hawkmoth shouted. "He's too old to survive that fall! Stop!"
"What? I'm just blowing hot air. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Mayura! Stop! Nathalie, you have to make her stop!"
But Mayura kept going, pushing Chat Noir closer and closer to his doom. Even Miraculer was cemented to the floor in horror of what was happening before her. She couldn't do anything! Chat Noir's fate was sealed.
Or was it?!
Suddenly, Chat Noir felt the wind stop, however, he could still hear the dryer's engine grind. He cracked open an eye and saw blocking the dryer with her body was Chloe Bourgeois!
"Chloe! No, get out of the way!" Miraculer cried. "Your hair! Your flawless hair! It'll get frizzy!"
"Making sacrifices is what being a hero is all about," Chloe responded coolly.
Miraculer swooned.
Mayura looked confused. "Is uh… is this a joke or am I supposed to take this seriously?"
WHAM!
Chloe kicked the hairdryer out of Mayura's hands and it smacked the madwoman in the face. Mayura peeled the thing off and frowned a very ugly frown.
("Serious. Got it—")
Chloe tackled Mayura to the ground and beat the ever-living crap out of her.
"She's so hot when she gets angry," Miraculer drooled.
"Hello, look at me, I'm Chloe!" Miraculer whipped around and saw another Chloe step out into the open. "That other Chloe is actually Ladybug in disguise. I'm secretly all about double-crossing Ladybug and taking her powers. Think you can hook me up, Sabrina?"
"Of course, Chloe!" Miraculer gushed. "You're so smart. Here you go." The Akuma pressed the glowing ladybug symbol to Chloe's chest.
"Yippee! My life as a skinsuit is over! Death, take me!" Chloe cheered and disintegrated into golden dust, leaving behind… LADYBUG!
"I can now say I've been inside another woman," the heroine said as a smarmy Rena Rouge and a sobbing Carapace joined her. "Overrated."
"You tricked me!" Miraculer roared and went for a punch.
"Shell-ter..." Carapace grumbled. Miraculer's fist collided with an unbreakable bubble-shield.
"OW! I think I broke my hand!"
WHAM!
With one swing, Ladybug knocked Miraculer out cold. "Okay, everyone, get into position, we only get one shot at this," Ladybug ordered and turned her attention to Mayura and Chloe.
"Look at you go!" Mayura said between Chloe's punches to her face that were having no effect. "You're just hitting me over and over (like an animal. I love it!")
Ladybug walked over to them and cleared her throat. "Oh no, this Mayura lady has taken the Bee Miraculous!" she said so woodenly she was in danger of turning into a tree. "And Miraculer has got the rest of my team on the ropes!"
Behind her, Miraculer was giving Rena Rouge and Carapace wedgies. "Hello, look at me, I'm Miraculer!"
"If only there was a tough-as-nails kickass superheroine with a stinging wit to match who could save us all. But who, I ask, who could possibly fit that description?"
"Don't fear, Ladybug, I am here!" Chloe proudly said and wrenched the Bee Miraculous from Mayura. She stuck the comb into her hair and said, "Pollen, buzz on!" In a shockwave of gold, she transformed into Queen Bee!
"Ooh! Goody-goody! It's time for the fun!" Mayura clapped. ("Catch me if you can.") The madwoman leaped away, delving deeper into the city.
Thinking quickly, Queen Bee ripped a section of roofing guardrail and chucked it at Miraculer. It speared the villain to a wall. "You're welcome, Ladybug," she said. "Now stay here while I take care of this Mayura." She chased after her.
Ladybug stared at the impaled Miraculer.
"Hooray, I'm dead!" she cheered before crumbling to golden dust.
"Ugh! Let's reset and try this again when she gets back," Ladybug said.
"Shouldn't we follow and back Chloe up?" the now eighty-something Chat Noir asked.
"Nah, she'll be fine. What's the worst that can happen?"
Meanwhile, blocks away:
"Interesting..." Queen Bee said as she flipped through a pamphlet labeled The Benefits of Being Evil. "Worship of the masses, unlimited use of the Bee Miraculous, and a tropical paradise kingdom to rule over?"
"That's right, Chlo-Chlo," Mayura delightfully explained. "And if you join up now, I'll throw in this (free t-shirt.") She held up a Team GabeNath shirt.
"No!" Hawkmoth roared. "Leave her alone, Mayura! She's just a child!" But he went ignored.
"I don't know..." Queen Bee pondered. "If being evil is so great, why isn't everyone evil?"
"If being rich is so great, (why isn't everyone as rich and fabulous as you?")
"Good point. Hmmm," Queen Bee thought out loud. "Your offer is tempting. Very tempting. Are there any downsides to going evil?"
("What? Hahahaha! No!) I am completely sane." Mayura suddenly doubled over and grabbed her head. The demonic glint vanished from her eyes and a scared voice came from her lips. "Don't do it, Chloe. Run before it gets you too!"
Mayura slapped herself.
"Whew! Excuse me. Just a little (hiccup) there."
"Hey!" Queen Bee glared daggers at Mayura. "You didn't say anything about getting possessed. You were trying to trick me!"
"Whaaaaat? No." Mayura said with a toothy grin. ("Okay, yes.")
"You bitch!" Queen Bee flipped around Mayura and put her in a headlock. "I'm not a villain! I'm a hero! I'm going to show Ladybug and the world I have what it takes!" She grabbed Mayura's Peacock Miraculous and ripped it— "Hey, what the—?" She ripped it— "Why won't—?" She ripped it— "Why won't this stupid thing come off?!"
"Hahaha! Oh, let's just say only true love's kiss can break the spell," Mayura snickered.
Hawkmoth blinked. "Wait, really?"
("You wanna find out, big boy?") Mayura flirted. She tossed Queen Bee over her shoulder and disappeared into the city. She was gone. No matter where Queen Bee looked she couldn't find her. Mayura had escaped.
"FUCK!"
Later, at the hotel roof:
Queen Bee sulked back, empty-handed and filled with shame.
"Hello, look at me, I'm Miraculer!"
Queen Bee gasped! The villain had recovered! The entire Miraculous team was tied up and held hostage in a green bubble-shield! Well, most of them were tied up. Old Chat Noir was just slumped on the floor, more skeleton than human.
"Uh oh! Looks like I've won! Yessiree, nobody can stop me now!"
"Chloe! Get out of here!" Ladybug cried as if reciting a poorly memorized script. "She's too powerful!"
"I'll save you, Ladybug! Venom!" Queen Bee leaped forward and stung Miraculer with her spinning top. Instantly the Akuma froze in place as if she were turned to stone.
"Not bad, Chloe Bourgeois," cackled a deep voice. Queen Bee turned around and found… HAWKMOTH! "Hello, look at me, I'm Hawkmoth. Guess what! Since I know your secret identity, I'mma keep coming after you and your friends and family over and over until I win. All because I know your secret identity! Wink, wink? Nudge, nudge? Get it? You're Chloe and I know that! This hitting home? I think she's got it. Okay, am I done?" he asked Ladybug. Ladybug nodded. "Hooray! To eternal rest I go!" Hawkmoth jumped off the roof. Nobody saw it, but he was hit by a bus on the way down which splattered him into golden dust.
Hawkmoth's haunting promise echoed in Queen Bee's head as the Miraculous team quietly slipped out of their fake binds and quickly pulled the real Miraculer out from behind a trash can. Ladybug de-evilized the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.
The park was put back together.
The roof was repaired.
Chat Noir was de-aged back to his teen self. "Yes! Joints that have cartilage, finally!"
Ladybug shushed him and cautiously approached Queen Bee who was somberly staring off into the distance.
"Uh… Queen Bee? Thanks for rescuing us. Are you okay?" she asked.
"Pollen, buzz off." In a shockwave of gold, Queen Bee became Chloe. She gave the Miraculous to Ladybug. "I'm sorry. I can't be Queen Bee anymore."
"Whaaat? Chloe, what are you talking about?" Ladybug said, discreetly signaling everyone else to put away the Plan B net and sledgehammer.
"Yeah, Chloe, what are you talking about?" Sabrina scampered to her and whimpered, "You can't stop being a hero."
"You heard Hawkmoth. He knows who I am and he'll use that to get to me." She caressed Sabrina's cheek. "And the people I care about. I won't let that happen."
"Oh, Chloe." The two girls hugged each other tightly.
Ladybug watched with a bittersweet smile. It wasn't fair. Chloe had changed so much in such a short time. She'd gone from someone who pushed people into wet cement and spat insults like she had acid for blood to someone who fearlessly fought supervillains without a Miraculous and willingly gave up power for the sake of others. If circumstances had been different, Ladybug truly believed Chloe could've become the greatest hero this world had ever seen.
"Excuse me!" Miraculer butted in. "Do you still need me or can I kill myself?"
"Huh?!" Chloe jerked at the still present villain.
"What the fuck?! Why aren't you gone?" Ladybug screamed.
"Your Miraculous Ladybug doesn't affect me, I'm Rena Rouge's Mirage, remember?"
"SHUT UP!" the entire Miraculous team shrieked and covered Miraculer's mouth.
Chloe's eyes flicked back and forth between Sabrina and the Akuma.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Ladybug snapped Miraculer's neck. She happily decayed to golden dust.
"Mirage? What Mirage? I don't see any Mirage," Ladybug said.
Chloe stared at the pile of golden dust.
"PLAN B!" Ladybug shouted.
Rena Rouge tossed the net on Chloe and Sabrina. The heroes ran away.
Back at the hidden tower:
In a pulse of purple and a burst of blue, Hawkmoth became Gabriel and Mayura became Nathalie. Both were very nervous.
"We'll give you two a moment alone," Duusu said mischievously and both it and Nooroo phased through the wall.
The two were by themselves. Well, that's a lie. They weren't by themselves because IT was in there with them, digging ITs claws into them, making every passing second as unbearably awkward as possible, and turning these grown adults into stammering teens.
"So..." Gabriel said, laser-focused on the spiral window. "True love's kiss."
"Mmm-hmm," Nathalie nodded, finding her blood bucket particularly fascinating.
"..."
"..."
"This could be a trick."
"Definitely."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Might completely backfire."
"For sure."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Might make things worse."
"Not sure how that would be possible."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"But I think we should risk it," Gabriel said.
Nathalie's breath hitched and her heart fluttered. "You do?"
"I do, Nathalie." He stepped closer and took her shoulders. "You're too important to me to not try. I don't want to see you get hurt."
"Sir, I..." She forced the jitters away and stood resolutely. "Okay! Let's do it!"
"Yes. Let's."
Nathalie closed her eyes and leaned forward. The anticipation made the next few seconds feel like an eternity, but she'd wait a thousand lifetimes for this!
Tap-tap-taptaptaptappity-tap-tap.
Nathalie opened her eyes and unpuckered her lips. She saw Gabriel furiously typing on his phone. "There we go," he said. "I made you an online dating profile. Don't worry, Nathalie, we'll find you a boyfriend to fall in love with and kiss in no time!"
Ding!
"Ooh! You already have a chat request! Oh wait, that's a Russian bot."
Nathalie collapsed into her gurney, convinced that she was going to die.
The next day, at school:
Lila was lying to everyone about needing to copy their homework because of a secret alien invasion when she was interrupted by Chloe.
"Hey! You! Dead girl!"
Lila grinned slyly. "Chloe! Hi, did the Ladybug Dance wor—"
WHAM!
Chloe's fist connected with Lila's jaw and the girl crumpled. Not finished, Chloe grabbed her collar and went to town.
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
When the third tooth tumbled out of Lila's mouth, Chloe was satisfied. She dropped the sack of shit and waited for Sabrina to wash the lower-middle-class blood off her knuckles. The entire school gawked in mute horror at the violence.
"Y-You… You can't do this to me," Lila slurred dizzily in a puddle of her own drool. "I'm Lila Rossi. I own this school."
Chloe kneeled down and yanked out the fourth tooth. "No, you don't own this school, my daddikins does," she seethed. "And money is stronger than lies, bitch. You ever lie to me again and you'll never chew solid food again." Chloe got up and pressed a fat stack of euros into Principal Damocles' hands. She marched away, broiling with uncontrollable rage. "Anybody who helps her is next," she announced to the school.
Nobody helped Lila.
Nearby, Marinette gulped. "I think Chloe took no longer getting to be Queen Bee well, don't you, Tikki?"
"A few weeks from now, she'll either be everyone's best friend or you'll all be dead by her hands," Tikki wisely predicted.
Chloe picked up a bench and smashed it through a window.
"My money is on dead by her hands," Tikki added with a smile.
END
I'm embarrassed to admit that I only now realized that Amuk is just Akuma spelled backward with a silent A.