Chapter 22

Returning to the Finalizer, the shuttle hums beneath his boots. Szayel and zoycite is seated across from him while he keeps usagi in his arms, she had detransformed after she passed out, he was unwilling to let her go. Her head is resting against his shoulder and her legs are draped over his lap. Now that he doesn't need his arm to support her legs, he moves the hair that went into her face. Needing that intensity of connection he always feels when he touches her skin, he rests his hand along her cheek. It quiets some of the residual terror howling in his chest. They're both filthy. Her skin and clothing are streaked with grime and blood and digging through the earth to rescue the workers has left him equally bedraggled. Kylo doesn't care, he's mesmerized by her features. Her eyes are moving beneath her lids and he wonders if she's dreaming. His eyes roam over her face, tracing the delicate lines of her cheekbones and the softness of her lips. He could have lost her …

Kylo senses movement and looks up to find zoycite shifting uncomfortably in her seat. As szayel was reading a book. He should say something to her.

"Thank you. Thank you for staying with her, for keeping her safe," said kylo

"Yes, sir." Said zoycite

"zoycite, you don't need to be afraid of me. You are usagi friend and loyal knight and an excellent soldier. You did well today. Szayel would agree with me on that," said kylo

"You … you aren't angry with me? For not stopping her?" asked zoycite

"No. usagi does what she pleases. And you know as well, I tried learning to not even try to control her. If I'm angry with anyone, it's usagi." Said kylo

" your going to have to get used to it" said szayel

They landed back on the Finalizer as the walk out into the hangar of the Finalizer to find Hux and minako there, a medical team waiting with a gurney and, oddly, Vitok. Zoycite has grown furtive again. Minako sighed she felt the crystal power and had to go into detail on what usagi was doing and how she was able to use it for loads if things and the limits of it.

"Supreme Leader, we were told that queen had been injured," said hux

Hux's eyes widen slightly when his gaze reaches zoycite in her silver knight uniform. The medics attempt to take usagi from Kylo and he instinctively steps back. Szayel raised a hand to stop them. He was feeling the effects of the silver crystal and the bond with it, the feeling can be rather odd. But he just had his first help with usagi as her king,

"She is simply depleted; she just needs rest," said Kylo,

Kylo holding her more firmly against him he cant let them take her from him, szayel was gagging how things was going to work, one of szayel medics looks briefly at General Hux then hesitantly knowing she might need medical care. Kylo doesn't want to let her go. He was afraid he wont get her back.

"Sir, we would like to confirm her condition." Said hux

"She exhausted herself from using the silver crystal and over dud it. There's nothing wrong with her medically," said kylo

"Sir, let them do their job. Szayel trying to be as calm about thus right now." Said hux

"She's fine." Snapped kylo

"I'm sure she is, but it wouldn't hurt to make certain?" said vitok

Vit ok lifts her hand as if to touch his arm but then drops it. He knows his actions don't make sense, but as long as he's holding her, he's certain she's safe. She had been harrowingly close to sacrificing herself to save that Esharan. But he supposes he should have her looked over, a brief scan in the field isn't truly sufficient. He looks at Vitok, knowing her kind eyes are pleading with him through her helmet. Reluctantly, he places usa on the waiting gurney but swiftly takes her hand. He looks over at zoycite the silver knight, who has been standing awkwardly to the side. He realizes she's waiting to be dismissed. The stormtrooper looks at usagi one last time before leaving. As szayel sighed in relief.

Meanwhile a little while later

Kylo pulls back the covers with the Force and carefully lays her on her bed. Usagi is, as he'd said, simply drained. He'd refused to leave her in the med bay, wanting no, needing to tend to her himself. She's still covered in the evidence of the blast. He'd like to bathe her, but he would never take such liberties. It's a delicious thought, though. He can imagine how her skin would pink from the warm water. He would join her in the bath. hold her against his chest and wash every inch of her. The thought of kissing droplets of water from her skin has his body responding. Apparently not all of him is exhausted.

He pushes away that train of thought as he pulls her boots from her feet. He retrieves a basin and cloths from the bathroom. Her lovely complexion is revealed as he gently wipes away the grime from her face. He moves aside the ribbon that holds the gems from the necklace as he cleans her neck. He has her locket in his pocket. Perhaps he could take it now, have it repaired? No, there's not enough time. He washes all of her exposed skin. The rest will have to wait until she's awake. He'd agreed to contact Hux once he had her settled. The events on Eshara must be dealt with.

"Hux," said kylo

he says quietly into his comm as he sits heavily in a chair to begin his bedside vigil. A droid with his clean clothing will arrive soon.

"Sir. Is she alright?" Hux responds with genuine concern.

"Yes, she'll likely wake in a few hours. Send me everything you have on the incident on Eshara." Said kylo

"Perhaps you might have Vitok Ren or the silver knight or even my wife stay with her while you come to the bridge?" said Hux

"No." said kylo

"They would inform you as soon as she regains consciousness," said Hux

"I said no!" hissed kylo

"Yes sir, I'm sending you the preliminary reports now. We don't know much, but we do know it was intentional." Said hux

Kylo looks at his sleeping love and fury races through his veins. His fingers clench around his comm and his other hand curls into a rigid fist. Someone is responsible for her current state. Usagi nearly killed herself to heal the victims. They will pay dearly. turning off his comm. Every single being involved in bombing the mine will die he will see to it personally. Usagi may be making him rethink certain things, but he will never be merciful to those who threaten her. She will need to accept that. The door alert sounds and he retrieves a fresh change of clothes from the service droid. He has a moment of indecision, as he doesn't want to leave her long enough to clean himself up. Ultimately, he decides to leave the door between her bedroom and the 'fresher open, foregoing a shower and quickly changing. Just as he'd washed her, he wipes his face and hands. Then he rinses his hair in the sink. It's not perfect, but he's in much better shape.

Meanwhile a little while later

Kylo studies everything Hux sent him and digs further into the history of Eshara. He looks at her frequently and often moves from his chair to draw his fingers along her face or hold her hand. In the quiet of her room he's remembered that once this day is done he will not see her for a week and the dwindling hours are beginning to mock him. The thought of not being with her for so many days after everything … it leaves him feeling desperate and helpless. He hears a light moan and goes to her quickly, sitting on the edge of her bed. Her eyes are fluttering, but she's not truly awake. She flinches and twitches and he takes her hand in his, smoothing her hair back with the other.

"Shhhh, beloved, shhhh, usagi? Wake up. It's time to wake up," said kylo

Kylo kneels next to the bed so that he may be closer to her. He cradles her head and presses his lips against her temple. She sighs and begins to settle. He pulls back in order to watch her face. Then her eyes open slowly and he's so happy to see the familiar blue eyes. He starts stroking her cheek.

"Kylo?" asked usagi

"You depleted yourself; you healed too many people. We're back on the Finalizer. You've been out for about four hours." Said kylo

"I feel like it always does when I over use the crystal. " said usagi

"Yes, I understand you know how it feels since it was not the first time you done this. And yet. You … you put yourself in great danger," said kylo

"I had to save him. When they brought him to me he was raving about his children. That he was all they had. I couldn't … I couldn't let them be orphans." Said usagi

He runs his fingers through her hair. She's perfection. Just like every story says about lunarians. He didn't know someone could be so good. So loving. But he heard the stories of what usagi had done to save the world and all the battles she has been in. but this was something far different than they could ever think of. But it was his first time seeing it, and feeling it as well. Szayel hasn't come back yet.

"Well, you did save him. He will require extensive rehabilitation, but he will live for many years." Said kylo

"We saved him." Said usagi

"I … yes, I suppose we did." Said kylo

Kylo never thought he'd be part of anything like she has ever done before. The feeling of the silver crystal flow through him was amazing. Lunarian power felt odd but powerful. It's been such a long time since he'd tapped into the light, even vicariously. That he used his power to heal … He'll think on it later. A long moment passes while they just look at each other, into each other. Now that she's awake and truly safe he's very aware of how afraid he had been.

"Tell me what happened while I was healing people." Said usagi

"We pulled all the survivors to safety." Said kylo

"We?" asked usagi

"The stormtroopers and the other villagers. There were workers trapped in a pocket of the mine that survived the explosion and a few others throughout the structures. I used the Force to find anyone still alive and clear the rubble." Said kylo

usagi smile has grown so wide that he finds himself ducking his head in embarrassment. He's used to her looking at him this way. But now she looks so happy with him. He doesn't know how to handle it. It's making him feel like a teenager again, it's kinda odd when it comes down to things. Usagi tilted her head to the side and wondered why he was being all embarrassed and bashful for. That was odd to that look on him. But it suited him.

"What is it?" asked usagi

"I … you don't usually look at me like that." Said kylo

"Like what?" asked usagi

"Like … like you're happy with me." Said kylo

Her brows draw together and her lips twist into a wounded expression. Oh how her face shows her emotions. oh Force, now he's hurt her damn he stupid really stupid. Oh could he be so damn dumb. But right now he needed to fix that.

"I'm sorry," mumbled usagi

"Sorry? For what?" asked kylo

"I know … I know that I hurt you, that you don't understand why I won't just accept what's between us. Right now I can't quite remember why. I just know that when I'm alone it all comes rushing back and I feel like I'm caught in quicksand. Today, though … the way you helped your people … today I am happy with you." Said usagi

"Truly?" asked kylo

"Truly." Said usagi

Usagi confirmation floods him with a sense of satisfaction he's not felt for a very long time, and certainly not to this extent. Snoke would occasionally give him an empty sort of praise, but there was always that lingering doubt, the knowledge that it wasn't good enough. He wasn't good enough. Never good enough. But the way that usagi is looking at him, like he's genuinely pleased her … he must do whatever he can to keep filling her eyes with that bright acceptance. He's still crouched by her bed and their hands are trailing along each other. Her fingers explore his face, then move through his hair while he strokes her cheek. He's looking deeply into her eyes and there's a new intimacy in the air. Her fingers leave streaks of tingling warmth and he's beginning to tremble. What would he do if he lost her?

She leans forward slightly, then she's pulling him towards her and soon their lips touch. He sighs into her soft mouth, kissing her, a slight hum of energy building between them. Her mouth, her glorious mouth. He delves his tongue between her perfect lips and revels in the taste of her. Now she's tugging at him and he's joining her in her bed. Lying next to her, he gathers her in his arms as he kisses along her throat. Oh usagi. He sucks at the sensitive skin where her neck meets her shoulder and she arches against him. Beautiful tremors move through her body and he clutches her to him, feeling the length of her smaller form pressed against him. Will he ever grow used to the rush of pleasure that infuses him when he's touching her?

He's already achingly hard, too long denied. She rubs herself against him with a hungry moan and he answers her call, thrusting back. Closer he needs to be closer. He just wants to dive into her and never surface. He kisses lower, pulling aside the fabric of her tunic. He sees her dirty clothes and he stills. What is he doing? She's recovering, fragile. He shouldn't be craving her like this, rutting against her like a mindless animal.

"What is it?" asked usagi

usagi breathes into his ear, her voice husky with passion. Her hands are pulling at him and she tries to kiss him but he shifts away, putting some distance between them. He focuses on what usagi needs, not what they both obviously want, but his traitorous body refuses to cooperate. It doesn't matter; she must have rest, not his attentions. He'll just ignore it. Her eyes are confused, almost hurt, and he knows he must explain his sudden shift in mood.

"I'm sorry, you're still weak. I … I'm sorry. And I'm sure you'd like to bathe. I cleaned what I could, but I didn't want to …" said kylo

"Oh! Well, I'm not that weak. But you're right, I should change." Said usagi

usagi leans forward and kisses him sweetly. She gets out of her bed, leaving him still lying on his side. He feels how the closeness is dwindling and he's hit with a wave of desolation, sweeping aside his lust. He hasn't thought clearly since he first saw her infusing her very self into the burned man. He's travelled between paralyzing fear, soul-deep relief, dizzying desire, and is now battling the creeping emptiness of her absence. It's too much.

He sits, his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. Nearly losing her has his emotions all over the place. Of course she needs to see to her clothes, to bathe. He was the one to suggest she do just that, but he's not ready to be away from her, even just in the other room. He can't get control of his feelings. He breathes in a steadying breath but it sounds more like a sob. It's growing late in the day and he won't see her for such a long time. Soon she will have thrown up the wall between them and he'll have to again subsist on her scraps. But she doesn't withdraw to her 'fresher. Instead, she's standing in front of him.

"Kylo, what is it?" asked usagi

"Nothing. Go change." Said kylo

Kylo looks away, feeling the strangest combination of emotions. He wants to hold her tight yet hide from her until this storm of fear and longing has passed. Usagi sighed and she cups his face with both hands and moves to catch his gaze. Her eyes are brimming with worry.

"It's just …I just know you'll pull away again, and today … you almost died. I … I'm trying, truly I am. But … do you know what it does to me to be apart from you?" confessed kylo

kylo chances a glance at her face and finds her expression stricken. She stands closer and pulls his arms around her waist. Then she holds his face so he has no choice but to look up at her. He wondered what she was going to say, but right now he needed this badly. To be in her light and be with her fully.

"I don't know how to do this. It's so easy to forget all that you've done when you're like this. Vulnerable, open. Yet … today you showed me a man … a man I could love." Said usagi

kylo can't breathe. Yes, he's heard similar words from her lips, but not when she'd meant him to hear them. Having her in front of him, touching him while she says them, makes him even more aware of how he's wronged her. He can't explain, she would never forgive him. But she's said it, to him, and that overwhelms his guilt with a joy he never thought he'd feel. She's admitted to a depth of caring he'd not allowed himself to dream of, except late at night in his most private places. Swiftly, he pulls her close and buries his face in her filthy clothes..

"Kylo! I'm covered in I don't even know what!" said usagi

"I don't care. You just said you could love me." Said kylo

"I already halfway do," said usagi

kylo pulls back from her when she just said what she had just said, certain he's misheard her. He looks into her eyes and finds only warmth there, no hint of trickery. This was something he was meant to hear, but he didn't think or dear to hope on what she had said. But those blue eyes look at him full of love for him.

"You do?" asked kylo

"I do. I still need us to go slow, but I'm not going to come back from cleaning myself up and show you the door." Said usagi

kylo smiles slightly, feeling a bit foolish for being so needy. He pulls her back to him and she's again stroking his hair. He hums in pleasure and he allows himself to let some of the fear go. usagi is falling in love with him. He's so close to having everything he's ever wanted. Much as he'd like to simply keep her in his arms, he's certain she can't be comfortable in her stained clothing. Kylo stands, gently extricating himself.

"Alright, off with you," said kylo

kylo recovering from the whirlwind of contradictory feelings. He's slightly dazed by her admission.

She looks him up and down and frowns. He realizes his clothing is again streaked with dust. He sighed in annoyance.

"I think you have to change again. In fact, I'll need to change these sheets, too. I … I don't even know how to begin to explain that. Leave it, I'll handle it. Meet me back here in half an hour?" said usagi

"Alright." Saud kylo

She goes to her shower and disappears behind the door with a gentle smile. He looks at the bed and decides he doesn't want her to exert herself. Now … how does one go about changing sheets? He wondered if there is something you could read or something. But he didn't care he had the droid come and go it for him.

Meanwhile a few hours later

They're on her sofa after a quiet meal. While in his own quarters he'd informed zoycite and everyone else that usagi is awake. He'd also taken the opportunity to bathe and he's feeling more himself. She's in his arms and running her fingers along his chest. While he'd prefer she was still resting in her bed, she had been emphatic that she was feeling better. He hasn't yet addressed what transpired on Eshara. He doesn't want to dispel the calm beauty of the moment, but he's certain she doesn't have any comprehension of how close she'd come to irreparably harming herself, perhaps to the point of death.

"usagi?" said kylo

"Hmm?" hummed usagi

kylo pulled back and is now holding her firmly by the shoulders, his eyes searing into hers.

usagi eyes are wide and he's afraid that he's scaring her. He relaxes his hold and moves a hand to her face. He knows he seen it for the first time. But she has been doing this far longer than he known her. But he still was afraid of what could of happened.

"You could have died," whispered kylo

"I'm sorry. But that how it works with the silver crystal" said usagi

"I don't care that you're sorry! You have to let me teach you so this never happens again! I know I'm still new to this stuff with the powers of the silver crystal and lunarian powers. But please." Begged kylo

"But there's no way to know it's how it works," said usagi

kylo has to close his eyes against how deeply he's hurt by her words. She truly believes that it's only the Bond. She thinks she could love him, but only because of a perverse twist of fate. He should have known, she never would have wanted him without outside interference. Why does he continue to fall in this trap? His eyes startle open when he feels her hands on his face. He'd not felt her shift.

"But, you're right. It doesn't matter why I feel the way I do. It feels real, so in a way it is real. I didn't mean to hurt you. I hate hurting you. But its how my power works, I am sadly used to it." Said usagi

"The Bond … it may be responsible for me coming to care for you .. But I do know that … before it was forged, I did feel something." Said kylo

"No! Well … yes, but that's not what I meant. I'm trying to apologize!" grumbled usagi

"It doesn't matter. I will take what you will give me." Said kylo

"I … of course it matters. I don't want … You once accused me of treating you like a dog. Giving you scraps. I don't want that. I want to understand you. I think … I think I want you to understand me." Said usagi

that what he wants, too. More than touching her, more than anything, he wants to give himself to her and have her give herself to him in return. This constant misunderstanding rips him to pieces. He doesn't know how to find the words to express himself, so he stays silent. She doesn't say anything else, but her eyes are pleading with him. He's not sure what she needs so he lifts his hand to her face and draws his thumb along her cheek. She closes her eyes and presses against his hand. He wraps his other arm around her shoulders, pulling her near. Her eyes flutter open and he's caught in her gaze. He's not sure who closes the distance, but soon they're kissing. It begins gently, but it's rapidly spiraling. It appears that's inevitable. But she'd been trying to tell him something, so he pulls back.

"What did you want to say? About how you felt when we … met?" asked kylo

"That I thought you were handsome. That I wanted to touch you. I was terrified, because of what your father did to me multiple times. but … when you took off your mask, I felt like I knew you. So … I guess I was just trying to tell you that my feelings about you, for you, have always been complicated. I know I told you I felt nothing, that you were wrong about our connection. But that's not really true. I always felt it. Most of all confused between the reborn memories luke forced me into and my memories I remember coming back to my normal form" explained usagi

usagi looks at him with bashful eyes. He takes in a shuddering breath, afraid to believe she means what she's said. He'd always hoped he'd been right, that he wasn't alone. He'd even told her. I feel it, too. But to have her acknowledge it … it is the rarest of gifts. And he was going to be happy to get what she is giving him. He just so happy right now.

"Will you let me teach you to wield the Force so that nothing like today happens again? It's not safe for you to have such power with no way to channel it. To bind your powers together. Don't make me face this again. Please, usagi. Please." Pleaded kylo

"Vitok. I will train with Vitok." Said usagi

kylo draws back and looks at her face. It's not what he'd hoped for, but at least she would have some training. He wants so much to be the one to watch her unlock the exquisite power within her, but he can think of no one he would trust more than Vitok. Plus she is after all her daughter in law. Soon her daughters momoko and scarlett will be married to his other two loyal knights.

"I will make arrangements in the morning." Said kylo

usagi nods, but there's a dimming in her eyes that he doesn't know how to interpret. He decides not to press. She has agreed to be trained. It is enough. He wraps her in his arms, encouraging her to settle against his chest. His eyes close and he allows himself to simply feel the comfort of holding her. He won't think about how long it will be until he next sees her, only that he will see her. She will train with Vitok. They will write to each other. She is finally admitting how deeply they're connected.

Her warm body feels so right against him. Hoping she'll let him feel some of her, he softly brushes against the Bond. Her fingers grip his chest then relax. The Bond opens and he gasps as waves of pure warmth wash over him. He lets himself drift in her light and everything else melts away. usagi ...

To be continued