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Chapter 40

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 40. Trigger warning for a discussion around a perpetrator of sexual violence.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Olivia reveled in the slow, steady breath of the woman in her arms, in the small smile that remained on her lips, in the way the blonde's body contoured to hers as she slept. The detective had been awake for over thirty minutes at this point, but she stood impossibly still, wanting to memorize every detail of the breathtaking form she cradled against her chest.

The previous night had been real. And it was better than any dream.

Feeling Alex begin to stir, Liv hummed softly, a set of knuckles tracing over the entirety of the ADA's spine as her lips pressed lightly against her forehead.

Cabot was still not used to being woken up gently. The shrill sound of her alarm had been her only companion for over a decade, and though she'd become accustomed to the reality of being pulled from sleep by Olivia's careful ministrations, this morning, the feel of tender fingertips massaging her scalp and soft lips whispering words of love into her temple was simply the icing on the best cake ever made.

Unfathomable warmth bathed every inch of her in safety as her eyes fluttered open, and she buried her nose into olive skin, inhaling deeply and clearing her throat. "Morning, honey" she mumbled, still holding onto sleep and taking stock of her limbs, which were uncharacteristically relaxed, tangled up in Olivia's.

"Good morning, beautiful," the brunette sing-songed, encircling her waist with both arms. "How are you feeling, my love?"

There were a few moments of silence as Alex echoed her partner's question to herself.

She'd had sex with Olivia.

It had gone well. Even that assessment felt like an understatement as the significance of the beauty she'd shared with the older woman hit her with full force, and she lifted her head to meet waiting chocolate orbs. "I feel…."

Benson blinked away the last remnants of her tiredness, her eyes widening at the sight of tears falling down Alex's cheeks. Had something happened? "Oh, sweetie, are you okay?"

Instantly, Alex nodded her head vigorously. She wasn't sure of much—it felt like her entire world had changed—but she was sure that she was okay. The attorney had wanted this so badly, and she was so grateful that she'd been capable of enjoying her time with Olivia the previous evening, but she had a suspicion her emotion was less about the physical thirst she'd finally quenched and more about the peace that the knowledge she could out-argue her drill sergeant brought her. "God, I don't know why I'm crying, Liv," she assured her, a laugh escaping her lips. "I feel amazing. So good. So happy."

An understanding smile began on the cop's face, her eyes twinkling as she reached up to cradle Alex's cheek. "It's okay to be emotional, Al. I'm…" She sighed shakily, rubbing the other woman's back in comfort. "I've been on the verge of tears since last night."

"Really?" The prosecutor's eyes bore into Olivia's, and she saw the same intensity, the same emotion staring back at her. They were both contending with a cataclysm of feeling as a result of what they'd accomplished together.

Benson hummed, tucking a loose strand of flaxen hair behind the other woman's ear. "Yeah."

Alex chewed on her bottom lip, rolling off of her partner so that they were both lying on their sides, facing one another. The blonde interlaced their fingers, bringing the set of knuckles up to brush against her lips. "It was just so—"

"—I know."

There had been some awkwardness, sure, but that was to be expected. Both women knew they could work out the little things with time and practice. What had been so beautiful about their time together was that despite those little things—and even some big things—they had been able to connect in every way possible. Alex was able to breathe and trust that no harm would come to her in Liv's hands, and Olivia was able to let go and trust that her tendency was to be gentle, to touch Alex with care, the farthest thing from the violence both of them feared so deeply.

Alex rested her forehead against the pillow, shifting on the bed she lied flat on her stomach, basking in the bliss that began in her toes and enveloped her heart. This was like nothing she'd ever felt before. Sex was supposed to be dirty, unnecessary beyond the confines of marriage, used only to create children and to keep your husband happy, a narrative that still lived in the recesses of the blonde's mind. Olivia had provided scathing rebuttals in response to her drill sergeant's commands before, and each of them worked wonders—"You deserve to have love." "You deserve to feel safe." "There's nothing wrong with you." "You didn't deserve what was done to you." The loving reminders dove deep into her soul and found the most wounded parts of her, bandaging up her injuries and laying the foundation for healing. But Alex had always known that the story that lived in her body about sex—about control, about violence, about obligation—wouldn't be so easy to rewrite.

Still, at least for several moments—

The pleasure annihilated her parents' teachings.

The gentleness obliterated Pastor Paul's violence.

The love destroyed Tammy's grooming and abuse.

And in the peace of those moments, which like most all things, were temporary, all three worked in combination to begin erasing the summation attorney Alex had written to explain it all. The younger woman always thought it was written in pen, but she knew now—as sure as Olivia breathed easily next to her—that she had the power to make it go away, not necessarily with time, but with work, with intention. She could win the case of Alex Cabot v. Alex Cabot, but it took the realization that she wasn't fighting against herself after all. She was fighting against the story she'd been forced to write by those who sought to bring her harm. The true defendant in her case was her drill sergeant, and she'd finally gotten the upper hand.

And, as weird as it sounds, sex with Olivia had been her star witness.

So much had led to this moment, and this moment would lead to so many more.

Alex felt the love of her life move her hand to rest against the nape of her neck, squeezing lightly as she once again pulled her close, peppering kisses into her shoulder blades and upper back. The blonde knew Liv was hovering over her body by the sensation of hardened nipples grazing her skin, but instead of anxiety, a sense of being protected overwhelmed her. Olivia guarded her in a way she couldn't eloquently describe, but she didn't force herself to try. For once, she just accepted another peaceful moment.

"I don't think I have scars there, babe," she pointed out light-heartedly, referring to the detective's choice to kiss as many of Alex's scars as the lawyer would let her the night before.

Olivia inhaled the scent of residual sweat, the slight saltiness of Alex's skin invading her senses, as she hummed softly into the younger woman's neck. Her tongue slightly protruded beyond her lips as they met porcelain skin in hot, wet kisses. "Can't a girl just kiss the woman she loves without there being a big 'ole reason?"

Cabot giggled in response to the brunette's fingernails carefully scratching at her sides, the weight of her body gently pinning her to the bed. "Are you asking for consent or just being cute?"

Olivia reveled in the knowledge that even drunk in the extended afterglow of their lovemaking, Alex's ability to develop and ask astute questions had not suffered. "Well, both, actually."

"Of course you can," the ADA told her immediately, lying her cheek against the pillow and pulling the cop's face towards hers, "which pertains to both questions. Not that you ever need to ask permission to be cute." Alex pecked her lips. "I don't think you could control yourself, regardless."

"Come here," Liv implored, her voice still slightly raspy from the best sleep she'd had in ages. Both women sighed when their lips met, resuming memorized choreography from the previous evening.

Alex eventually pulled away, rolling onto her back and noting the layer of sweat that had yet to be washed off her skin, grimacing slightly. "God, I feel sticky. Do you want to take a shower?"

Liv's hand migrated onto her stomach, her fingers tickling the muscles that rippled below her touch. "Are you sure?"

The prosecutor couldn't quite make out the concern she heard in the other woman's voice, but she decided that maybe she just needed more time to process, and so she brushed it off, at least for the time being. "Yeah."

Olivia nodded, reaching out a hand to stop Alex from completely getting out of the bed. "Hold on a sec, babe." She waited for the blonde to meet her eyes again. "I just want to check in. You don't want to shower because you feel dirty, do you?"

Alex's relief at Liv's willingness to immediately address her worry just barely eclipsed the younger woman's embarrassment that she hadn't seen this coming. "No. Not at all. Thank you for asking though."

Benson bobbed her head up and down, inhaling deeply as she remembered the many times she'd found her partner in the shower or bathtub, desperately scrubbing at already raw skin. "Of course."

The lawyer decided to be honest, wanting to match the vulnerability that Liv was offering her in the moment. "Actually, this is the first time—ever—that I've woken up after a sexual encounter and not felt wrong, dirty, gross, not to mention sore. I feel good right now, baby. I do."

"Okay." The brunette nodded, tangling her fingers in Alex's unruly mane, needing to keep her close. "Good. Sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Alex promised her, letting her nose bump affectionately against the brunette's. "We both have to do what makes us feel safe." She waited for another nod before chuckling lightly. "I do have to get up now. But the offer to shower together still stands."

"Okay," Liv relented dramatically, pretending like it was a decision that had been difficult for her to make. "But only if you can commit to no funny business."

"Why do I have to commit to no funny business?" she questioned, her eyebrow raised. "It's Saturday," she rationalized. "We can do funny business all day!"

"Oh, God," Olivia groaned into the skin of the blonde's collarbone, laughing. "You're gonna be insatiable, aren't you?"

Alex sobered, addressing the rather large elephant in the room. "Well. I have a lot to catch up on."

Quiet settled around them for several moments, tender lips and curious hands moving over two naked bodies in a sensual but not overtly sexual manner. "A shower does sound nice."

"It can just be a shower, babe. I know last night zapped us both."

"I'm more than happy to be zapped again," Liv smiled, pulling the lawyer up so that she was sitting in the bed. "Just maybe not right this second."

"No, you're right," Alex acknowledged, resting both hands on either of the detective's cheeks. "We're both feeling a lot right now. It's probably best to take a break anyway." Olivia sat up on her knees in order to kiss her once more. "I love you," Cabot whispered into her lips, pushing some unkempt hair out of the brunette's eyes.

"Mmm." The cop's eyes closed softly, and her hand wandered down the side of Alex's neck and over her shoulder. "I love you too, Al."

When they sat down for their next therapy appointment, Alex was practically bouncing in her seat with excitement as she shared the news of her and Olivia's first entirely successful intimate encounter—and by that point, the second, third, and forth as well. Kimani let the blonde share all she wanted to before congratulating her profusely. Noticing the detective hadn't said much yet, the therapist turned to her other client. "Olivia, how are you feeling about this progress?"

Like Kimani, Benson had wanted to allow Alex to say whatever she wanted to say, to express her happiness and pride in herself to her heart's content. And so she'd decided to stay quiet for the time being. But she knew the LMFT would address her before long. "I'm so—" Alex's heart swelled as the older woman's voice broke in the way it did whenever she was particularly emotional. She'd been in awe as the attorney had shared the good news with their therapist, something she'd been verbally looking forward to since their first shower together the morning after. "I'm so happy," the brunette struggled to get out, squeezing the ADA's hand and directing her words towards her, Kimani's presence fading away. "I'm so proud of you, Alex," she sniffled, "and I love you more than words can say."

Alex simply grinned, saying nothing. Her head spun with a multitude of emotions, a hurricane of feeling rotating mercilessly around her, but still, she felt as if she were at the eye of the storm, and as Hurricane Alexandra raged on, she felt only compassion for herself and love for her partner. A storm of compassion. Something her father knew nothing about. The sting of the thought lingered for only a moment as she continued to stare through Olivia's eyes, more powerful than any adversary Cabot had faced. In her gaze lied the eye of the hurricane.

After over a minute, Kimani decided to inquire about what had caused the quiet. "I wonder if you'd like to share what you're thinking about right now, Alex."

This time, it was her voice that broke. Alex usually opened up to Kimani without much prodding, especially these days, but it took a lot to get her to cry openly. "I'm so grateful. I feel so lucky to have you, Liv."

Kimani extended several more seconds of silence before offering her thoughts. "You really did the work, Alex. You came in here every session, ready to talk and to ask questions, and to really search yourself. Yes, it's awesome that you're grateful to have a partner like Olivia, and I think that the two of you being sure not to take one another for granted is a hallmark of this relationship and a reason for its success, but I want you to give yourself credit where credit is due, Alex," she said to the blonde, Liv nodding along. "This hasn't been just luck. You worked for this."

The younger woman bobbed her head in full agreement as Kimani handed her a tissue, and the blonde wiped her eyes and nose, playing with it afterwards as she spoke. "I worked really hard for this." She'd never worked harder for anything in her life. Not to be valedictorian of graduating class. Not to pass the bar. Not to win a case. The decision to accept the role the abuse she'd endured played in her lack of fulfillment and to put into action steps to fill those holes—with Olivia and by herself—was by far the hardest and most worth-while thing she'd ever done.

She reached up with both hands to wipe away some tears as Olivia brought her hand to her upper back, letting her fingers draw firm circles into her blouse as she caught her breath. "You really did," Liv validated.

"I know this was the big goal you wanted to work on, Alex," the sex therapist brought up eventually, "so I want to check in about where we stand as a team. As far as what we do next, I'm happy to continue to see you both, either together or separately. We can meet on a regular basis like we do now, or as needed. And—if you feel like you've accomplished all you wanted to, we don't have to continue meeting. I'm here to support you as you address your needs as individuals and as a couple. So, I'm curious about how each of you feels about continuing to meet."

Finally, Alex's stormy blues released themselves from the rapture of looking into brown orbs, and she turned to the woman who spoke to her. "I mean, I know I want to continue meeting. I'm still working on penetration, and I really value the clarity these sessions give me."

"Sure. Olivia, what about you?"

"Uh," she thought for a few seconds, "I'd like to stay on as a client on an as-needed basis, and I also think it would be good for the three of us to meet every few months just to touch base, at least for a while longer. We're both so happy right now, and understandably so—this is a big deal—but I know we both expect for there to be setbacks sometimes. We've embarked on a lifelong journey, and we might…." Olivia almost chuckled at the Alex-esque metaphor she'd created in her mind. "Well, we might need a map every now and then."

Kimani smiled. "Alex, are you on the same page there?"

"Yes, absolutely."

"Great." The LMFT took a few notes, looking back up at the women after a minute or so. "Alex, I know this is something we've put on the back burner before, but I'm wondering if this would be a good time to refer you to the trauma specialist we talked about."

"Um." Kimani gave her a moment to process. She'd predicted her client's reaction wouldn't be altogether positive, but they'd arrived at an appropriate transitional point, and it was a good time to reintroduce the idea. "Well, um…do you think we'd be a good fit?"

"I do, but ultimately, it's up to you to decide that. Her name is Dr. Lindsey Boylan, and she's a psychiatrist specializing in trauma. She does talk therapy, as well as medication management, and we've shared many clients over the years." She handed the blonde a card with contact information on it. "I can tell her to expect your call."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay." She took a cleansing breath. "Sounds good."

"And Al," Olivia said to her softly, "you're not committing to anything. You can see her once and decide you don't mesh well. Okay? This is all your choice."

Choice had become less scary to the blonde as time went on, and not only was the garlic v. regular naan decision—as well as others like it—becoming easier, so were more complicated choices. "Should we try a sex act in the yellow column?" became a question she allowed herself to answer, and that process was made a whole lot simpler when they'd transferred their "Green, Yellow, Red" poster board over to a markerboard so that they could erase and move around anything they needed to. It was an amazing visual reminder that nothing was set in stone, and Alex only needed to commit to the present moment.

As the weeks went on and the air in Manhattan grew hotter, Alex made choices daily to take care of herself, to listen to her body, and to afford herself the compassion she deserved. Like Olivia had predicted, however, they did experience setbacks, and those generally occurred on days that the attorney was faced with the fact that she didn't always have the choice she'd fought so hard to give herself. Sometimes her illness forced her to relive experiences she'd rather forget. And sometimes, even the world around her did.

On one such day, Olivia left their bed to find her girlfriend in the living room cuddled up with Sandra, a steady stream of tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Hey," she cooed softly, caught off guard and racing to the couch in order to comfort the woman she loved, "what's going on?"

Alex just pointed at the TV broadcast, setting the now struggling kitten down. The news station was airing breaking news: "Beloved Long Island Pastor, 70, Dies Suddenly Due to Heart Attack."

Immediately, Olivia brought her hand up to meet her lips, a sob working its way up her own throat at the thought that her partner had been alone when she'd turned on the television. "Oh my God. Is that—?"

"Yeah."

"Al, are you—?"

She'd heard enough. Cabot shook her head, reaching for the remote and watching the screen fade to black after hitting the button, the image of Pastor Paul continuing to assault her eyes as she fought to blink it away. "I know I said this was what I wanted, but...I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is closure."

"That's understandable." Olivia nodded, placing both hands on Alex's body, waiting for a nod before pulling her close. Maybe if the brunette overwhelmed her partner with the feeling of her hands, there'd be no room left for her to feel him. "What can I do for you?"

This, she thought, surrendering into the embrace. She exhaled audibly, the sound turning into a whimper as she buried her face into Liv's neck, letting the feeling of warmth surround her. "Think I just need time to process," she eventually answered aloud, pulling back at the sound of a frustrated meow. "Can you put some food in Sandra's bowl? I was going to, and then..."

"Of course."

Olivia quickly returned, inviting Alex into her arms again. The blonde shook her head, reaching for just her hand. "Do you believe in God, Liv?"

Benson had never been religious, mostly because if she believed in a higher power, then she would have had to concede the fact that the God who was supposed to love everyone on Earth allowed that monster—her father—to rape her mother. And now, as she watched the light she'd become accustomed to seeing in the younger woman's eyes dim, she was reminded of what else God had allowed to happen. Still, she didn't want to impose her opinion on the woman she loved, especially as she desperately tried to cope with this devastating news in a healthy way. "I'm not sure."

"Is it fair for me to be mad at God for what Pastor Paul did?"

Absolutely.

"I think that whatever you're feeling is the right feeling, baby. What's fair is…" She sighed, her voice strained. "What you went through because of that man's sick perversion," she said, squeezing Alex's hand, "is what isn't fair. And you're entitled to feel whatever you feel about him, about God…. Baby, your anger is absolutely warranted," she validated firmly but tenderly, smoothing her hand over the back of blonde hair. "We just don't want it to consume you. Remember what we do with unpleasant emotions," she reminded, referring to some research they'd done about effective techniques to assist Alex when she needed grounding or even just a frame-shift. "Let the feeling in, accept it, let it leave."

Alex inhaled deeply as Liv rested her hand over her heart and the blonde covered her fingers with her own. Inhale. Let it in…Hold. Accept it. Exhale. Let it leave…. "Again," Olivia gently directed. "Let in in," she whispered. "Accept it. And let it leave."

She hummed when the woman she loved had completed the process three times. "I was going to pick up breakfast for us, but I don't know if it's a good idea to leave you alone right now."

Alex shook her head, wiping away the rest of her tears as breathing became easier. "I know I'm not alone, even with you around the corner." She bit her lip—she knew the adrenaline rush was subsiding because her more base needs were once again becoming apparent, and she was exhausted. "Besides, I'm really hungry."

When Liv returned to the apartment, she found her partner still on the couch, a new stream of tears escaping her eyes. She quickly dropped the bag of bagels and placed the coffee on the table in front of them. "Baby, what's going on?" she echoed her earlier question, her eyes landing on the cell phone the blonde cradled in her lap.

Cabot was so angry. She'd managed to keep herself centered, to avoid a full-fledged panic attack, and she'd done it with the techniques she'd painstakingly learned over many months. "My dad called." Not that Alex could have reasonably expected the man to know how much work she'd put into staying calm, but still—she blamed him for the slight tremble in her fingers as they reached out for Liv's.

Olivia had seen the distress evident in her eyes when she'd first left the bedroom that morning, and she'd ensured she was visibly calmer before she risked leaving Alex in Sandra's less than capable paws. Something else had obviously happened, and when the blonde told her what, all Benson could do was sit down next to her and hold her close. "Oh, sweetheart."

Let it in. "Said he expects me at the funeral," the ADA explained without further prompting, feeling the flames of anger lick her heart. Accept it. She hadn't heard from either of the senior Cabots since the day she announced she was moving out of the penthouse. Of course Wilbur would deny contact, save for this moment—it was almost as if he were purposefully torturing his daughter.

"Breathe," Olivia whispered into her hair, feeling her body still. "What did you say to him?"

Let it leave…."I told him to go to hell."

A/N: Thank you for reading! I appreciate your patience with me as this story draws to a close. As always, please share your thoughts! Five chapters left!