I've said all along that this rewrite is only concerned with the Jackie/Hyde material, especially for everything post-Season 5. That's going to be relaxed from here on out; with Season 7 serving as the series finale in this timeline, there are more adjustments to be made, and they start here with changes to how Eric arrives at his teaching career. But there's Zen here too, as the mess that was Jackie's graduation party gets replaced with something else...
(We assume that 7x18 and 7x19 play out as we know them from the show in this timeline.)
SHOW TITLE
MUSIC NOTE: "Oh Well" by the Rockets.
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
The gang hanging out. HYDE and FEZ rummage through the deep freeze, JACKIE writes in a notebook in Hyde's chair, ERIC and DONNA share the couch, and KELSO sits in the lawn chair.
Jackie finishes off her writing with a firm dotting of a period and sets her pencil and paper down.
JACKIE:
And – done! That's my last high school assignment. I'm all set for graduation this Friday.
ERIC:
I can't believe I graduated a year ago. It's like, I feel like I've done nothing. Man, time really flies when you take two naps a day.
DONNA:
Well, I wouldn't say you've done nothing. I mean, you've... wow, you've really sat on your ass.
Hyde and Fez emerge from the deep freeze, popsicles in hand.
HYDE:
Yup, Forman, we've all passed you by. I'm running a record store, Donna's a DJ, Kelso's a cop – even Fez has a job now.
(to Fez)
What is it again, man? Uh, shower girl? Make-up lady?
FEZ:
Shampoo boy!
HYDE:
(beat)
Eh, I was close.
He crosses to his chair and pats Jackie on the back. She stands up, lets him sit in the chair, and sits in his lap.
ERIC:
Wait a second – does this mean I'm the loser of the group now?
KELSO:
You are the one that's still living with your mommy.
ERIC:
Man, you're still living with your mommy.
KELSO:
Not for long. Me and Fez are looking for apartments. Then the only time I'll see my mom is when she's doing my laundry, cooking my meals, taking me to the dentist...
He trails off there.
JACKIE:
Oh, Eric, I feel kinda bad. I mean, you wouldn't even be thinking about this kind of stuff if you weren't caught in the blinding light of my bright future.
FEZ:
You know, the scary thing is, if one year went by this fast, imagine where Eric is gonna be in ten years...
He looks up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
FANTASY SEQUENCE.
TITLE CARD 1: Eric's crappy future.
TITLE CARD 2: Ten years later.
The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Mr. Spock costume, complete with ears. A thoroughly done Donna, in Uhura costume and wig, steps out from the passenger's side.
ERIC:
Thanks for going with me to the Star Trek convention – Uhura.
DONNA:
You can call me Donna now.
Without another word, she walks down the street.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
Back to reality. Fez giggles at his scenario, as does everyone but Eric.
KELSO:
That's good, Fez. But I think it's gonna be more like this...
He looks up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber. A thoroughly done Donna, in Leia costume and hair, steps out from the passenger's side.
ERIC:
Thanks for going with me to the Star Wars convention – Leia.
DONNA:
You can call me Donna now.
Without another word, she walks down the street.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
Back to reality. Kelso grins at his scenario, as does everyone but Eric.
HYDE:
Nah, man. You're both wrong. Actually, it's gonna go like this...
He and Jackie look up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber. A thoroughly done KITTY, in Leia costume and hair, steps out from the passenger's side.
ERIC:
Thanks for going with me to the Star Wars convention – Leia.
KITTY:
You can call me Mom now.
Without another word, she heads back into the house.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
Back to reality. Hyde and Jackie nod along to the scenario, as does everyone but Eric, who scrambles over the back of the couch.
ERIC:
Whoa!
DONNA:
Eric, they're joking around. It's funny.
ERIC:
No, Donna, it's not funny! In fact – it's completely possible!
He turns and races up the stairs.
MAIN CREDITS
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY
The next day. The guys play cards while Donna reads in the lawn chair. Hyde, Eric, and Fez share the couch while Kelso sits backwards in Hyde's chair.
KELSO:
(to Eric)
So, gonna be a chiropractor, huh? All right, every chick patient that you have, you have to tell her the problem is her tailbone. That way, you get to grab around on her butt.
ERIC:
Kelso, I'm doing this 'cause I wanna help people. A handful of ass is just a perk.
The basement door opens and Jackie enters, box in hand.
JACKIE:
Hello, everyone. It is I, the light of all your lives and the newest arrival to the glorious world of adulthood.
(sets box on coffee table)
Michael, I remember how much you like playing with my equestrian figurine collection, so since I'm a mature woman now, these are for you.
Fez reaches inside the box and lifts up a plastic toy horse. The guys all glare at Kelso, who shifts in his chair.
JACKIE (cont'd):
God, I cannot wait to graduate tomorrow. Classes are done and I finally know everything. Now it's nothing but dinner parties, LoPP fundraisers, summers in Morocco, holidays in Paris...
DONNA:
Um, what about earning a degree, paying the bills, finding a place to live – you know, the responsibilities of being an adult?
JACKIE:
Okay, Donna, you're forgetting one very important difference between most people and me – I grew up rich. I get things.
Donna rolls her eyes as Jackie crosses to sit on the back of the couch behind Hyde.
Kitty enters from the staircase, a newspaper in hand.
KITTY:
Michael, I circled some apartment listings for you and Fez.
(to the gang)
I found a great apartment for Janet Myers after her divorce. It has a murphy bed for when her kids come to visit. They never do. She's in AA.
She exits up the stairs.
Kelso reviews the circled listings.
KELSO:
Look at all these places for rent. I hope we can find one that's got everything my baby needs.
FEZ:
Oh, Kelso, you're always putting me first.
KELSO:
Not you, moron! Betsy, my daughter. It's amazing how one tiny person has changed my life so much.
FEZ:
You changed mine, too.
Kelso's out of insults; he just gives Fez a long stare.
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
The next morning – the day of Jackie's graduation, before school. She and Hyde eat breakfast on the island as RED, Kitty, Fez, and Kelso do the same at the table. Breakfast is eggs for everyone, with plates of toast and sausages in the middle. With one sausage left, Red and Fez both reach for it with their forks. Fez takes it.
FEZ:
Too slow, old man.
KELSO:
Fez, if you're not polite, he's gonna figure out you're living here.
Red drops his fork and glares at Fez.
RED:
You're living here?
KELSO:
Oh, great. You blew it, Fez!
KITTY:
Red, he has nowhere else to go.
Red stands.
RED:
(to Fez)
Well, know this, Pele: you gotta sleep some time. And during the war, when they were sleeping – that's when I got 'em.
He exits out the patio door.
KITTY:
(to Fez)
Well, that wasn't too bad. He called you "Pele." He is a terrific soccer player.
She takes her plate, stands, and crosses to the sink.
Fez and Kelso lean in toward each other.
FEZ:
What do we do now?
KELSO:
I don't know, man. That apartment was the only one we've found that'll work for you, me, and Betsy.
FEZ:
We could try that room above the barber shop.
KELSO:
No, we can't.
FEZ:
Why not?
KELSO:
Because there's no way Mr. Lucania's gonna let out a room to the guy he found hiding in his daughter's closet. Or the guy he found in her bed. With her. Five times, senior year.
Jackie, who has been watching and listening with Hyde throughout the scene, sits up straight.
JACKIE:
Wow. You guys are really struggling with all those adult responsibilities Donna was talking about. And Michael, you're good-looking, but it doesn't seem like it's helping you at all.
KELSO:
Yeah. I'm afraid you're gonna find as you get out into the real world that there are some things a bitchin' bod just won't fix.
JACKIE:
(gasps)
Oh, God!
She clasps a hand over her mouth. Kelso nods gravely and turns back to his conversation with Fez.
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY
Still morning, still before school. THE BRADY BUNCH plays on the TV. Hyde sits in his chair with Jackie in his lap while Donna remains on the couch, her neck still crooked. Eric retrieves a popsicle from the deep freeze and moves to join her on the couch.
ERIC:
(to Donna)
How're you doing, my little buttercup?
DONNA:
Great. The Brady Bunch is so much funnier sideways.
JACKIE:
Oh, God, Eric, you ruined her. Donna can't even stand up straight now. And that's real important for a lumberjack.
ERIC:
Hey, it's not that bad. I'm sure chiropractor Forman can tend to my crooked little flower here.
DONNA:
You know, Eric, calling me cute little nicknames doesn't make up for what you did.
ERIC:
Hey, whatever you say, my little crazy straw.
JACKIE:
Wow, this disaster just came out of nowhere, didn't it? I mean, one minute Donna's fine, the next some scrawny would-be quack's turned her into a human pretzel. And Eric – Eric thought he found a career he'd be good at, which he obviously isn't.
(to Hyde)
What if my TV show goes the same way? What if I'm no good? Or what if something awful happens to me out of nowhere, like a car crash or a gray hair? Donna was right – there is a downside to being an adult. Why was I in such a rush to grow up? I'm so short, I could've kept passing for a kid for years if I hadn't talked such a big game about becoming an adult!
HYDE:
Look, Jackie -
JACKIE:
No, Steven! The graduation ceremony is in three hours, and I've just realized I'm not ready at all! I can't do this!
She lets out a scream and dashes into Hyde's room.
HYDE:
(to Eric)
Red still got that crowbar in the garage? 'Cause that's the only way we're getting her out of there.
Eric gives a sarcastic shrug as Donna rolls her eyes.
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
That evening. Eric sits on the back of the couch on one end, Fez sits in the seat on the other, and Kelso sits in the lawn chair.
KELSO:
Well, Red convinced Fenton to give us the apartment!
He and Fez share a low five.
FEZ:
Yeah, and Red seemed so happy. All the way home, he just kept looking at us and laughing.
KELSO:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure Red told Fenton that we knew a lot of chicks, 'cause Fenton kept checking me out, like he could tell that I knew a lot of chicks.
The door opens, and BOB leads Donna inside. Her neck is still crooked.
BOB:
Eric, I can't believe that you crippled my angel, my pride and joy. It kills me, seeing her like this.
ERIC:
Then why are you bringing her over here?
BOB:
Oh, I got a date. I met a lady at the open house. She's got crow's feet, but she works in the sandwich shop, so I bent the rules.
He exits. Donna crosses to sit by Eric on the couch.
ERIC:
Look, Donna, I'm so sorry about what happened. You know, I've been thinking about it, and I don't think I ever really wanted to be a chiropractor. I was just, you know, grasping at straws.
DONNA:
I'd nod in agreement, but... you know, I'm paralyzed.
KELSO:
Eric, you know what I'm realizing about you? You're not good at anything.
FEZ:
That's not true, Kelso. Don't forget butt-wiping.
ERIC:
Oh, you know, just once, it'd be nice if, after you get all your burns in, you guys actually tried to help. I mean, that's what I do. I mean, I'm the one who was looking out for Hyde when his mom split. And Kelso, I was your math tutor in high school. And Fez, remember when you wanted to learn how to kiss, and I taught you by sticking M&Ms to the mirror?
Donna and Kelso's jaws drop. They look to Fez, who shifts in his seat.
FEZ:
That never happened. I know how to kiss. Ah, shut it, Eric!
DONNA:
(to Eric)
You know, the only reason you ended up stuck like this was because your one chance to go away to college, you gave up to take care of your family after your dad got sick. You really do try to help.
ERIC:
And I love doing it. I wish that could be a career.
DONNA:
Right. You just need a career that combines a desire to help people with a high tolerance for irrational and childish behavior.
ERIC:
Or... just children. Just kids. Like at a school. Like a schoolteacher. Guys, I think I could make a good teacher!
Before he can elaborate any further, the basement door flies open. Hyde enters, carrying Jackie in his arms. She has on a graduation cap and gown, carries her diploma in her hand, and wears a massive, spacey grin.
JACKIE:
Hello, adulthood! I'm Jackie Burkhart, and I'm ready for ya!
DONNA:
Hey, looks like someone got over her little panic episode.
HYDE:
Well, after you left, I went to talk to her and told her everything was gonna be fine and she was ready for graduation. But that didn't work, so I broke out my best stuff. She's been flying ever since.
Jackie sweeps out her hand holding her diploma, pops one foot out, and kisses Hyde on the cheek.
HYDE (cont'd):
You should've seen her give the valedictorian address.
DONNA:
Jackie, you're not your class valedictorian.
HYDE:
That's why you should've seen it.
ERIC:
That's great, Jackie. You know what? This has just been a great day all around. Jackie graduated, Kelso and Fez found an apartment, and I've decided I'm gonna be a teacher. That's right, you are looking at a future Mr. Forman.
JACKIE:
Mr. Forman? Oh, well –
She swings herself down from Hyde's arms and stumbles over to Eric. She steadies herself by slapping a hand down on his shoulder.
JACKIE (cont'd):
Since I've already graduated, I can tell you now – my last essay? Yeah, everything in it, I stole from Donna doing the same assignment last year.
As well as she can, Donna turns to give Jackie an incredulous look.
JACKIE (cont'd):
Hey, I've got my diploma, I've got a TV show, I am woman, and I'm ready for more!
Eric, grinning, shakes his head. Donna, Fez, and Kelso chuckle. Hyde also shakes his head and walks over to lead Jackie to his chair.
FADE TO BLACK