They were… amazing.
Alone, apart, they were great within one another's company; Steven and Aster hadn't known each other for very long, but at the same time, they'd grown up together, too. They were learning, exploring, breaking past the chains - literally and figuratively - that had been holding them both back, and enjoying the time they spent getting to know each other. Aster was Steven's 'peaceful place', someone he could just sit there and relax with. And Steven was the only company Aster needed in this place, the one that kept him pushing at the chains. They were brothers, and it was a relationship, a bond, they both accepted and reveled in. Yes, apart, they were still close - but together, they were something else entirely. The breaking of the last chain didn't immediately kickstart their fusion; for a while, they had just stood, enjoying each other's company. Enjoying the hug they found themselves in, being able to be close again. And when they both began to glow, they still held on to each other, just like they had back then.
Their fusion was different, this time. They saw him there as they pulled apart, as Aster wrapped one arm around Steven to keep him steady, while the hybrid turned his head to focus on the new presence. The fusion was taller than both of them, but since he was laying down, stretched out on his back with his arms under his head, it was hard to tell at first. He was smiling, peaceful as ever; for the most part, he resembled Steven, human-like in appearance. His hair, however, was definitely Aster's; the curls glowed pink, much fluffier than Steven and Aster's, but it seemed to mimic the way Aster's hair had curled upwards in the front. He appeared to be asleep, much to Steven's amusement - but he didn't draw much attention to that in particular. He did take a moment to consider the peaceful warmth that was brewing in his chest, the content feeling that had settled over him like a hot blanket. He sank sideways against Aster, and his brother tightened his grip slightly, supporting him without a moment's hesitation.
They really were different people. Now it was even more apparent, and now their fusion was something entirely new, as well. Before, it had been just Steven - and he knew that, he knew Aster had been more than happy to give him the reins and let him run wild. But now, something had certainly changed. Because Aster was right there with him this time, happily sharing control and letting them create something - someone - entirely new. Truthfully, it left the hybrid a little giddy; no more stepping aside for one another, letting one person take sole control. They were in this together, as they should be, and as they should have been from the very beginning.
"I suppose we need a name for him, too," Aster commented, nodding toward the fusion. Steven chuckled slightly, taking a deep breath and looking back down toward the new being they had created. The hybrid gazed at him for a moment, then flicked his gaze down to the flowers that had bloomed through the tiles, surrounding the new fusion's head. They swayed back and forth, moved by a breeze Steven didn't feel, but the sight alone was enough to bring a smile to his face. It was a patch of cosmos, which, Steven had to say, was his second favorite flower - asters, of course, took first place on that list. Speaking of lists… after a moment, he decided to add this to the list of things that made him happy. His brother. Being here. Their new fusion. He was certainly happy right then, and he was basking in the feeling as much as he could.
"Cosmo?" He suggested, looking toward his brother, and Aster cracked a grin.
"Cosmo." Aster shifted slightly, and Steven sighed as he felt himself being lowered to the floor, but he didn't protest. He grabbed onto his brother's shoulder with one hand, reaching the other one down to feel along the floor so that he could curl his fingers into the cracks in the tiles, lowering himself down carefully and giving Aster a thumbs up when he was situated. Once Aster had set him down, his brother sat down beside him, crossing his legs and leaning back. "We're Cosmo," the pink gem murmured, and Steven smiled slightly to himself as he laid back, stretching his legs and crossing his arms under his head, somewhat mirroring their fusion. Aster copied him almost immediately, though he crossed his arms over his chest instead.
"We're Cosmo," Steven murmured, closing his eyes for a moment. He loved their fusion, but he'd be lying if he said that he didn't prefer Aster as he was now. Just the two of them, separate beings, and yet together at the same time. He wanted it to be Aster who met his new friends, Aster who met Greg and Jasper and everyone else. Because he'd never had a chance to. And he didn't know how it would work - he didn't know how Parker and Will and Kevin would react to meeting his pink twin, and he certainly didn't even know if it was possible for Aster to present himself in any case. The only time he'd ever come out was when White had pulled his gem out.
"I have an idea," Aster began, and paused. He turned his head toward Steven, lacing his fingers together over his chest. "Though, I'm not sure I should attempt it while you're here." He didn't explain why, but Steven didn't need him to elaborate. He understood; Aster wasn't a patient, and he wasn't exactly a visitor - but even then, visitors weren't allowed until visiting hours. But that did give him an idea; Aster may technically be a part of him, but they were still different people. And his brother certainly didn't need to be admitted to the mental facility, but maybe he could get him signed on as a visitor instead. Sure, they were always together, but he figured he might as well ask, if they found a way for Aster to meet the others. He knew Vexy might be kind of familiar with gem stuff, and everybody had pretty much gotten used to Peridot, Lapis, Jasper and Bismuth - so it was just a matter of explaining the situation and seeing what they thought.
Aster chuckled slightly, and when he reached over, Steven met him halfway, clasping their hands together with a grin and offering Aster's a firm squeeze. "I think they'll like you."
"I think I'll like them," Aster commented, lips twitching. "They're very nice people. And any friend of yours is a friend of mine, of course." He paused, if only for a few seconds; for a moment, he looked somewhat torn, like he wanted to say something but didn't want to say it at the same time. Steven just watched him, arching an eyebrow silently, until the pink gem just shrugged. "Actually, that's mostly true. I like most of your friends."
"Most of them?" Steven huffed out a laugh. "Who do you not like?"
"I'm not fond of the Diamonds," Aster admitted. "But I wouldn't call them your 'friends'."
"Oh, jeez, no. Definitely not." Steven shook his head a little, and Aster's lips tugged upwards briefly, momentarily seeming satisfied; Steven couldn't help but snicker a little bit, offering another squeeze to his brother's hand before he relaxed again, moving his free arm down to cross it over his stomach instead and looking upwards. The butterflies were still there, but it was only about five or ten of them, circling around the sky aimlessly. Steven smiled a little bit at that, the realization that most of them had left; the realization of what it meant, what it symbolized. The hybrid breathed in slowly through his nose, letting it out through his mouth, and grinned. "So, you're not fond of the Diamonds, huh?" He flicked his gaze over to his brother, and his pink twin merely quirked an eyebrow in response. "Hey, you've been neutral about everyone else. I'm kinda curious- what does Aster Universe think about the giant galactic space dictators?"
Aster studied him for a moment, looking more curious than thoughtful. When he did speak, though, his voice was calm and quiet, steady and collected, as if he'd thought about this a million times over; he didn't need to think about his answer. He was one-hundred percent, completely confident in what he was saying- and Steven was equal measures surprised, impressed, and, admittedly, somewhat ecstatic. "I despise them. You know I care about you, Steven, and I respect any decision you make and I even admire your patience and civility toward them. But if you were to put me in a room with them, in a position where obliterating them would have no consequences for you, me, or anybody else, then I would do so gladly." He paused, giving Steven a few seconds to process, before he spoke again - much slower now - "But, of course, I know I can't do that, and I've accepted it. As long as I don't personally have to interact with them, and they stay as far away from you as possible for the most part… then there's not much of an issue otherwise. As long as you're safe and they're on Homeworld."
Steven squeezed his hand again after a moment, a simple gesture meant to be nothing but reassuring, to let his brother know he was certainly safe and that he doubted the Diamonds would be leaving Homeworld anytime soon. Aster squeezed back, leaning his head back and directing his calm stare toward the butterflies above them. He was sure there were other things his brother needed to talk about regarding the Diamonds; he was angry with them, and for good reason. And Steven wanted to hear about it all - how much he hated them, and whoever else he might harbor these feelings for. But everything had a time and place, and Steven knew this particular conversation could wait until they both knew it wouldn't be interrupted. The hybrid could wake up at any given second - and he wanted to be able to have a conversation about this with Aster, not a short talk that they'd have to continue another time. This was important.
"I'm alright, Steven," Aster murmured. "I've long come to terms with how I feel about them." He paused, squeezing Steven's hand again, and the hybrid glanced over. "But we can talk about it whenever you want to. I'd be more than happy to tell you whatever you want to know."
"I just think you deserve to be able to talk about it," Steven replied quietly. "I mean, it's not like there was anyone to talk to down here. Doesn't it feel nice to… I don't know, say it out loud?"
Aster continued to stare upwards for a while, eyes flickering as he watched the butterflies. Then, heaving out a quiet sigh with the smallest smile on his face, he turned his head slightly to look toward Steven, managing to crack a grin as his pupils shifted into diamonds. "Yes, it does." His brother fell silent for a few seconds, his mouth still half-open as if he wanted to say more. Once again, Steven allowed him to collect his thoughts, furrowing his eyebrows silently and watching his pink twin. "It feels wonderful," he finally decided. "To talk to you about anything." He shifted a little, lifting his arm to cross it under his head, but he kept his other hand clasped with Steven's. "Even the Diamonds. As much as I despise them." His brother rolled his eyes, lips twitching.
Steven cracked a grin and looked back up toward the butterflies, somewhat content now. This meant they'd have to unfuse, sure, and he hated the idea of leaving Aster down here alone - but at least he was free now. They'd figure the rest out in due time, and Steven just wanted to take a moment to relax and enjoy the time they had now, before Steven had to wake up again. He turned his head slightly, looking toward the fusion still stretched out a few feet away. With his eyes still shut and a smile on his face, he started glowing - and, glancing over, he realized he and Aster were following suit. By the time he looked back toward the fusion, he was gone.
The hybrid squeezed his brother's hand and shut his eyes, breathing in slowly. There wasn't any point in getting upset about it now, though he was somewhat disappointed; there'd be plenty of time to get to know the fusion they created together. For now, he was just willing to enjoy his brother's company until he had to wake up and face the day again - and he was excited. Excited to call Connie, excited to tell Greg the news, excited to see if he could find a way for Aster to be able to meet his new friends and his family. And he could tell that Aster was excited, too.
He stayed there, silent, just laying with his brother, until Vexy's familiar wake-up call tore him away. He cracked his eyes open to watch her pull the curtains over, arching an eyebrow at her sing-song "rise and shine!", and he even managed to crack a faint smile despite himself. So far, the day had hardly even started yet, but it was a good one. He knew he had to be careful, though, not to get his hopes up that the day would go too well. Yes, he might be half-confident that Connie would forgive him for not calling sooner, despite still being unable to fathom why she would in the first place, but past experiences had taught him that he also had to be prepared for the worst. He made up his mind to call her during the free time he had before they went into art therapy - since he didn't have to see Maria again today. There was another appointment scheduled for Tuesday, though, he reminded himself as he sat up, wincing. She'd seen him on… Sunday last week, right? Yeah, he'd seen her last Sunday, the week had gone by, and now she wanted to see him on Tuesdays and Fridays. Yesterday had been Friday.
"Good morning," he greeted Vexy as she handed him his medicine, and ignored the somewhat surprised expression on her face as he took the pills dutifully. Weirdly enough, he noticed, the pain was a little duller than it should have been - in the morning, his leg tended to ache a lot before he took his medicine, but this time he actually felt pretty good - all things considered. Even his back didn't hurt like it usually did, and he found himself sliding onto his feet and settling into his wheelchair much easier than he usually was able to, much to his own surprise.
"Good morning," Vexy finally replied, watching him curiously. "Are you taking a shower?"
"That's the plan." Steven paused, reaching over to grab the clothes at the foot of his bed, but Vexy beat him to it. He didn't protest to the help, taking the clothes with a quiet "thanks", and setting them in his lap before turning to wheel himself over to the shower. "I think I can do it myself today, my back doesn't hurt too much." He glanced over at Vexy, who, once again, looked mildly surprised, but a grin split across her face soon enough; the hybrid managed to roll his eyes, somewhat embarrassed now, and turned to continue over to the shower. Only to stop again, hesitating slightly, to turn his head a little to look back toward her. "Any chance I can make a phone call after morning group? I've gotta have a long overdue conversation."
"I don't see why not," Vexy replied, studying him for a moment. She still looked pleased, but also somewhat confused now, trying to figure something out, but falling short. "I'll let Peedee know- we're swapping early today," she added, and Steven nodded faintly in response, turning and pulling himself up once he reached the shower, managing to get himself seated on the stool.
Thankfully, he was able to finish showering and get dressed without too many problems. He did have to call for help when he did prove incapable of reaching his back - turns out that just because the pain didn't start out too bad, didn't mean it wouldn't get bad if he strained himself - and ended up deciding that he should probably take it easy for the rest of the day after that. He might be feeling a little better physically, but he didn't want to do anything to ruin that, either. Considering that this was the most relief he'd gotten from the pain in a long time, aside from the painkillers (which he was already sick of taking anyway). He wanted to get better, not get worse.
Breakfast and morning group dragged on more than usual. He sat beside Kevin again, as per usual. They had exchanged much warmer greetings after they'd both had their showers, only further solidifying the fact that the tension between them had most definitely dissolved since the day before. Parker was in a much better mood, as well - apparently it was bagel day, and it was 'the only good food in the fucking facility'. Steven just chose to settle down with a salad again; he'd been eating more and more the past week, trying to push himself to be able to finish off a whole meal. He didn't quite succeed this time - but he did get to finish over half of the salad this time before the nausea hit, and he didn't even throw up by the time he decided to stop.
He rolled himself to morning group with Vexy beside him, and they greeted Peedee at the door. Grinning, Steven stretched up to offer his old friend a fist bump, which was accepted happily, with only a little bit of surprise flickering through the other man's eyes. "Good morning, Peedee."
"Morning," Peedee replied cheerfully, cracking a grin. "You seem to be in a pretty good mood." Steven only nodded as he sat back, and his old friend heaved out a quiet sigh, the smile still lingering as he shook his head. "It's nice to see. Dr. Landen should be here soon," he added, stepping aside so that Steven could roll himself in, and the hybrid did so with a hum of acknowledgement, pushing himself inside and heading over to where he usually sat with Kevin.
By the time morning group finally ended, Steven was… well, he was still somewhat content, with what had happened with Aster - but at the same time, he was steadily getting more and more nervous. He'd wanted to talk to Connie, and he still did, but he was still uncertain as to how she'd react. It had been a week, but he didn't know if that would soften the blow. He didn't know how much she knew now, and he didn't know what to say to her if she did. He hadn't wanted to tell her everything himself, but now he was somewhat wishing he could have before all this had happened; he missed her, he missed her with every fiber of his being, to his very core, but he was more terrified than he'd ever been of actually speaking to her. Even over the phone, it was nerve-wracking, it was anxiety-inducing, it was nauseating. But he kept silent as Peedee rolled him down the hall, lightly twisting his hands into his shirt. He breathed in through his nose, out through his mouth, struggling to calm himself down before he could really get worked up.
"So, patients are usually given twenty minutes per phone call," Peedee informed him, rolling him into a room and pausing to turn the light on. It looked kind of like the room he went in when he saw Maria, with a couch and a few chairs and a desk, but there was a phone hanging on the wall on the other side of the room. "Obviously, they need to be supervised - but that's just in general for most patients, not just a one-to-one thing," he added, and Steven nodded faintly. "I'm also gonna need the name and number of whoever you're calling, and I can also give you a number to give them so that they can call back if they want to." He rolled Steven over to where the phone was, then took a few steps away to grab a folder off of the desk, along with a pen.
"Okay…" Steven breathed in again, swallowing. "Connie Maheswaran…" He stared at the phone as he recited her number by heart, biting the inside of his cheek and glancing back over to watch as Peedee wrote it down. Then, satisfied, his old friend walked over and pulled the phone off of the wall, pressing a few of the buttons and putting it to his ear before handing it over. Steven hesitated for a moment, turning it over in his hand. He could hear the dial tone, even without putting the phone to his ear. Ready for him to put the number in and call her.
The phone was ready. He wasn't exactly too sure if he was ready.
But he wanted to do this. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to hear her voice, to get it over with and clear the tension - he needed to do this, not just for her, but for himself, too. He wasn't going to be able to get better if he still had this, and this guilt, hanging over his head until he got out. He needed to talk to her. So, while it did take him a while - and Peedee was silent, as patient and understanding as ever, mind you - he did finally force himself to dial her number. He knew she'd be awake by then - it was nine in the morning. And it was Saturday, so no school. The hybrid curled his fingers around the phone and swallowed, bringing it up to his ear and listening silently as it rang. And he tried to remind himself how to breathe, and think.
"Hello?"
Well, breathing was no longer an option.
Hearing her voice made his stomach twist, as it so often did; the reaction was startling and relieving at the same time, the realization that he could still feel these things toward her. It had only been a week, but somehow it felt like it had been even longer since they'd spoken. And it made him ache; his chest, his stomach… every bone, every vein. His throat squeezed shut just as he tried to swallow, but he gave up on that quickly enough in order to gulp in a few deep breaths, getting in as much air as he could. Something about her voice was comforting - something he found had been lacking, the past few times they had spoken. But even through that, he was anxious; he was nervous, he was scared. Even if he didn't understand why she might be able to forgive him, he still wanted her to. He was still terrified that she wouldn't. It was kind of funny - even knowing that he didn't quite deserve it, he still ached for it regardless.
His jaw trembled as he fought to breathe in again, clutching the phone a little tighter. He curled his fingers around it as tight as possible, only remembering to loosen his grip when he heard a very slight, very quiet crack. The anxiety skyrocketed then, thinking he might have done something to the phone, that he might have ruined his chances of talking to her completely. "Connie?" He blurted out, breathless and shaky, without quite realizing what he was doing.
He only realized it when Connie spoke, and he didn't have much time to berate himself over it. "Steven? Oh my god, are you okay?" Steven opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come; he couldn't bring himself to say 'I'm fine', even though he really, really wanted to. It wasn't the truth, and he knew it wasn't the truth. Maybe he'd been feeling fine up until then, but he knew he wasn't, not really. He didn't know if he'd ever truly be fine, as ecstatic over Aster and excited as he'd been and content as he'd been the past few days. So when Connie continued, rushed and desperate, he just ended up shutting his mouth to listen. "I've been so worried about you-! My mom told me you were in the mental hospital, but she wouldn't tell me why, and the gems said-"
"You talked to the gems?" Steven's throat tightened further, barely managing to spit the words out through clenched teeth. His voice shook, wavering dangerously, on the verge of tears that weren't even forming in his eyes. The panic faded, if only slightly, replaced with fury instead.
"I was worried," Connie repeated, sounding more desperate than anything. "But I was even more worried when-" She stopped, then, her voice wavering just like Steven's had; the hybrid swallowed past the lump in his throat, guilt briefly overpowering the anger he was feeling. "Are you okay?" She asked again, and Steven faltered once again. "They said you were hurt-"
"I'm- I don't know what I am," Steven mumbled, hesitating. "What else did they say?"
Connie's brief silence was enough of an answer, and he almost spoke up to save her from having to reply, herself. But when she spoke again, her voice was surprisingly steadier. "They said that you- you crashed your car on purpose and-" She paused again, and didn't continue.
Steven let his head fall back for a second, leaning back against the back of the wheelchair. The gems had told her. He wasn't surprised, and he wasn't sure if he should have been; he knew they had trouble keeping their mouths shut, even with stuff that wasn't their own business. And yet, another part of him was almost glad for it - despite the somewhat irrational anger, he was glad that someone had at least filled her in. He knew how worried she must be, but he also knew she'd have been more worried without an explanation. And besides that, as smart as Connie was, he was sure she'd have been able to put the pieces together herself, anyway. The hybrid swallowed, ducking his head slightly and letting his chin press against his chest, sighing. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I'm so sorry."
"No- no," Connie insisted, a little more fiercely than Steven had expected. Still, he was silent, as his friend continued, "don't- you don't need to apologize. Not with me-"
Steven huffed out a laugh at that, despite himself. His initial reaction was relief, and it continued to linger even as he spoke. "I should have called you immediately, and I-" He stopped himself, breathing in shakily through his teeth and lifting his head again with a grimace. Even as relieved as he was, as worried as he'd been about Connie not forgiving him, he was still trying to convince her that she shouldn't. He really was fucked up. He really did have self-esteem issues. Either that, or, even through the relief, he still recognized that he didn't deserve her forgiveness.
Connie's response was hesitant, but still firm. "Yeah, you… you should've," she admitted, and Steven sucked in a sharp breath, holding it for a second. "But it was a- a suicide attempt. That's not exactly easy to talk about, I get that…" She trailed off, and Steven bit his lip, frowning.
"I told the gems," he mumbled. "I told my dad. I told your mom, and I told a bunch of strangers on my first day here." His voice wavered again. "Even Jasper knows. So yes, I-" He huffed out another laugh, hollow and choked. "I should have told you, too, Connie. I'm sorry." He fell silent, and so did Connie; he bit his lip, leaning his head back and letting her collect her thoughts.
"I just…" Connie trailed off again, and he heard her inhale, somewhat shakily, before going on, "ever since-" She stopped, but he knew what she was referring to anyway, "-you've been so distant. So I've been trying to give you your space, because I know… I know how badly you've been hurting and I knew something was wrong, but you weren't talking to me about it and I didn't want to press you too much after what happened, and… I understand if you don't want to talk to me about this stuff anymore." Her voice shook even further at the end of her sentence, along with another shaky inhale, and Steven just about felt his heart sink down to his stomach.
"That's not it." Steven's voice lowered slightly, a little quieter. "That's not it, I swear. I just didn't know… I didn't know what to say to you," he admitted, finally feeling his eyes sting; he blinked them furiously, fighting the feeling to the best of his ability, but he continued speaking anyway. "I've wanted to talk to you- every single day I've been here, but I just- I don't know why, but I just couldn't. You know how much I care about you-" His voice cracked slightly, "but it's… it's hard."
Connie didn't reply for a while - and, honestly, that was more nerve-wracking than anything. His mind was racing, struggling to figure out if he might have offended her, or hurt her feelings, and struggling to figure out how to fix it - but then she spoke again, and while it took him a few seconds to genuinely register what she had said, the relief was instant. "Can I come visit?"
Steven froze, only for a second, then rushed to reply before she could change her mind. "Yes- yes, yes, you can- please-" The rest of the anxiety fizzled away, and while the guilt stayed, he was able to push it back just a little in order to focus on the excitement brewing in his gut. He had missed her, a lot more than he'd originally thought, too. "You, um- you have to sign up and stuff and I think they said it takes like, a day to go through but- god, yes, you can visit." He paused, falling silent for a moment to listen as he heard the sound of drawers opening and closing, and paper rustling. "It's, um- Empire City Mental Health Services, I think, or something- oh… oh." He paused, breathing in shakily. "I, um- Connie, I gotta tell you something else, too."
"Five minutes," Peedee warned suddenly, and Steven nodded faintly, biting his lip.
"Yeah?" Connie replied hesitantly, somewhat anxiously. He heard more paper rustling, the sound of a pen clicking - and he paused again, only for a second, before he continued.
"I, uh- Kevin's here. In the facility." He didn't know how she'd react to walking in to find Kevin was there, and he didn't know what she might say to him, or how they'd interact, either. But he did know that he needed to warn her beforehand, and tell her about him and his brother, just so they could get that out of the way. He was already starting to realize that Kevin wasn't a bad guy - hell, he'd already realized it, if he was being completely honest. Sure, he'd been a douchebag way back when, but Steven knew why, now. He hadn't just been a dick for the hell of it. He'd been hurt, and scared, and… alone. And Steven knew how that felt. "He-" He stopped, realizing Connie hadn't said anything, and hesitated a little bit as he went on, "he really had a brother."
"Oh- … oh…" Connie's voice softened almost immediately at that, a mixture of shocked and, honestly, somewhat dismayed. Steven breathed in slowly, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. "Oh… poor Kevin…" She paused again, and sighed. "Never thought I'd say that…"
"I know," Steven agreed quietly, swallowing. "There's a few other things I need to tell you, but- I- I don't think I have the time." He spared a glance toward Peedee. His old friend was sitting now, hunched over the desk and writing something down, not even paying attention - so the hybrid turned his head and shut his eyes again with a sigh. "I… um… I can try and call you tomorrow, if they don't let you visit yet," he offered. "Or maybe after lunch- I know they open the phones after free time and…" He trailed off and grimaced, once again berating himself for not calling sooner. It had been this easy - all he needed to do was pick up a phone. "... I'm sorry I didn't call…"
"I'm just glad you called now," Connie insisted, voice shaking again. "Even if it took a while." They both fell silent for a while after that; Steven just nodded, letting his head fall back again. "So… um…" His best friend breathed in again. "Is the food there as bad as they say it is?"
Steven huffed out a laugh despite himself. "The food sucks." He shook his head a little. "Even the coffee sucks. But the food is disgusting. The only decent thing is the salad… actually, the salad is pretty good," he admitted, unable to help but smile slightly when Connie chuckled. "But everything else is… well, it's crap. The food is probably the worst thing about this place," he admitted, blinking his eyes open again to look up at the ceiling.
Connie chuckled again. "You think they'll let me bring you some real food?"
Steven perked up a little at that, pausing. "I don't know- maybe. Dad brings me snacks sometimes during visiting hours… I think it's okay as long as they check it out first and it's not like a meal or anything. They're really picky about their schedules-" He added, and his lips twitched slightly when Peedee glanced over and stuck his tongue out at him for that. He fell silent for a moment, furrowing his eyebrows; he could hear the familiar sound of a pen scratching against paper from the other line, something he'd long gotten used to hearing. So he stayed quiet for a moment, letting her write down whatever she was writing, and smiled slightly. "... god, why didn't I do this sooner?" He mumbled after a moment. "I really missed you."
"Good question, Universe," Connie replied lightly, and Steven couldn't help but crack a grin, already picturing her smile. He couldn't wait to see her again - he didn't care how much it might hurt, how much it might make his heart ache. The only thing he cared about was seeing her, failed proposal or not. He could get over that; he would, in his own time. It wasn't worth missing out on her friendship for. Nothing was worth that. "I missed you too, you know," she added. "You sound like you're doing a little better. And you and your dad are on good terms now?"
"Yeah… we talked things out a while ago," Steven murmured, biting the inside of his cheek. "Actually, the ones I'm on bad terms with now are the gems. And… I don't think I'm gonna be talking to them again, Connie, I…" He trailed off, breathing in through his nose and shaking his head. "I've realized some things… that make it a lot… harder to be around them now."
"Yeah…" Connie hesitated slightly. "They told me you were upset, but…" Steven shook his head a little, grimacing. Upset was an understatement, he'd literally tried to shatter them - which, now, yes, he definitely did regret, but that didn't make him any less pissed off at them either.
"I think I'm doing better, though," he finally admitted, closing his eyes.
"That's good," Connie murmured, sounding relieved. "That's really good, Steven."
Steven chuckled, but he didn't have a chance to respond. Peedee pushed himself up out of his chair, walking over to hand him a piece of paper, and Steven paused. "Time's up, buddy."
"Damn," Steven muttered, grabbing the paper and scanning it briefly. "I gotta go, Connie. We only get like, twenty minutes of phone time…" He shook his head, somewhat appalled that it had even been twenty minutes at all. It had felt like only a few seconds - and he knew he should have been glad for getting any amount of time with her at all, but he ached for more already. He wanted to see her, to talk to her, to be there with her. But he knew that would have to wait. His two initial goals had been completed, and he was pretty happy with himself - but he had one more thing to do a little later, which was to get Aster signed on as a visitor too, or do whatever he had to to make that work so that everyone else could meet his brother. Sure, he could always wait until whenever the hell he got out - but he wanted Kevin, Will, Parker and Peedee to meet him too, not just Greg and the other gems. Either way, he'd figure something out.
"That's okay," Connie responded quietly, and Steven, once again, cracked a grin as he pictured her smiling into the phone. "We'll talk more later, right? And I'll come visit when I can."
"Yeah." Steven scanned the paper again, finally realizing what it was. He paused, sitting back sharply and sparing a grateful look up at Peedee, who only offered him a small smile in response. "Do you want the number for the facility so you can call during free time?"
Connie chuckled. "Duh," she retorted, and Steven grinned, reading the number to her and listening to the sound of the pen scratching against the paper as she wrote it down. Then he told her when free time typically was - he'd pretty much memorized the schedule - and listened as she wrote that down, too. "There. Now I can call you," Connie teased, and Steven huffed out a laugh despite himself, shaking his head slightly. "I'll see if I can tomorrow, okay? Stay safe."
"I will. You too," Steven added, breathing out slowly through his teeth. "Talk to you tomorrow."
"Bye, Steven."
"Bye, Connie." The words he wanted to say were building in his throat as fast as the lump that was forming again, everything he wished he could say but knew that he couldn't, not now. Not after everything that had happened between them - once upon a time, an 'I love you' every now and again, as friends, had been so easy. Now it felt almost wrong, the thought of it taboo, like he'd given up his right to do that the moment he had expressed his feelings for her by proposing. It was like, before, it had just been an unspoken thing between them - but now Connie knew how he felt, and now saying those three words wouldn't seem so friendly.
The click of the phone and the dial tone seemed to mock him, the silence suffocating. He lowered the phone a little, then handed it over to Peedee so that he could click it back into place on the wall. For a moment, all he could do was stare, his mind still racing. That had gone better than he'd expected, but now that it was over, he was left aching for more - and then just aching in general. He missed her, he didn't deserve her, but he wanted her anyway. His stomach twisted, and this time, the lump that formed made his eyes sting with the threat of tears.
He didn't know why - there wasn't an explanation. He didn't even feel bad, not really. Even the guilt wasn't enough to make him tear up. Maybe it was just the overload, all of the excitement he'd been feeling. All of the good, the great, the amazing things that were happening. Aster getting free, talking to Connie, not feeling like such a piece of shit all the time. It felt wrong, like it was something he wasn't allowed to do. Like feeling good in itself was just a bad thing for him. Maybe it was. But it was just the same as knowing he didn't deserve Connie's forgiveness, and still wanting her to anyway. He knew he might not deserve to feel good, but he wanted to. Now, more than ever, he wanted to feel good. He wanted to feel like this, not… how he'd been feeling.
Peedee paused as he turned back to him, and Steven didn't quite understand his concerned expression until he felt the tears slide down his face, finally escaping. He breathed in shakily when they finally broke free, lower lip trembling before he managed to clasp his teeth over it. "Hey…" His old friend softened, making his way forward with a frown. "Hey, what's the matter?"
Steven shook his head furiously, lifting his hand to rub at his eyes. Peedee was faster, pulling a few tissues out of a box on the desk and handing them over, and the hybrid reluctantly accepted them - but he didn't use them just yet, proceeding to rub his eyes with his hands as much as he could before finally using the tissues to wipe away the rest of the tears. "Nothing. I- nothing is, I just- I can't-" He stopped, breathing in shakily clenching his fist around the tissues, while Peedee furrowed his eyebrows and watched him, nothing but concern flickering through his eyes. "I… I don't want to- want to die-" He huffed out a laugh. "I want to feel like- like this, not…"
Peedee was silent, but after a moment, Steven felt a hand clasp down over his shoulder. The touch was more reassuring than the hybrid had expected it to be, but it still brought more tears to his eyes, still made the pressure building in his chest that much worse. He clasped a hand over his mouth and fought back a sob. "I know…" Peedee murmured, and he felt his old friend's arms wrap around him after a second. Despite himself, he found himself reaching up slightly to return the embrace, curling his fingers into the back of Peedee's jacket and burying his face into his shoulder, hoping maybe that might make it easier for him to hide the tears and calm down.
"I- I need help," he whispered after a moment. "I need help."
"I know," Peedee repeated, and Steven sucked in a shuddering breath, holding it for a moment before finally letting out a loose, quiet sob. Peedee shifted closer to him, as much as possible. "And that's why you're here, isn't it?" He added lightly. "We got you, man."
Steven stayed silent, just trying to calm his breathing down and relax. He felt Peedee shift to bury his face into his shoulder after a moment, finally letting his shoulders droop, finally leaning into his old friend and taking in another deep, shaky breath as he turned his head slightly, sucking in as much air as he could and finally managing to calm down somewhat, despite the aching feeling in his chest that he couldn't seem to shake. But that was bearable. It wasn't bad.
"I've got you," Peedee mumbled, pulling back a little. He didn't smile, but his eyes were soft, still concerned, but somewhat determined. "We're gonna help you, okay?"
Steven only nodded, unable to speak. But he knew he certainly had never been this willing to accept help than he was at that moment - he didn't care what he had to do, who he had to talk to and where he had to go. If it meant he'd stop feeling so bad, and maybe he'd start feeling more like he had been recently, then it didn't matter. He just knew he was done feeling like shit. He was done wanting to kill himself. He was done with the guilt, and the pain, and the anger. One way or another, he was going to get better - it was no longer a matter of if, or how, or why. It was just a matter of when. He was ready. He was willing. He was going to get better.
He swallowed past the lump in his throat, then cleared it a few times, shaking his head. "Can… can we go to the common room?" He mumbled, and Peedee nodded, straightening up. When he walked around to stand behind the chair, Steven let his head fall back, closing his eyes. "Thank you," he murmured after a moment, when Peedee started pushing him out of the room.
Peedee ruffled his hair in response, and Steven ducked his head a little, managing a smile. He let his shoulders droop, let the tension in his muscles unravel, finally let himself actually relax.
This place really had been good for him. And he was hoping it would continue to be, however long he had to stay.