**If you have not reread the previous chapters, please do so. Or at least skim. The story line has not changed, but you will notice very important character changes.
You'll also notice both Quinn and Lucy being used often. To Kurt, Quinn is Lucy. That's how he thinks of her, so Lucy is used in his thoughts. But to everyone else, she is still Quinn.
Lastly, I'm pretty happy with parts of this chapter, but some of it was tough. I wanted to address court a little bit, but I really struggled with writing it. So it's the best it's going to get. I've been making you wait 6 years and that part is what tripped me up in the first place, so this is how it's staying!
"Now, Emily's bedtime is 7:30," Carole reminded Quinn for the umpteenth time, Emily perched on her hip. "I left a lasagna in the fridge; all you have to do is stick it in the oven for 45 minutes at 425. Try to eat around 5:30. Bath at 7, then bed."
"Carole, I know. I've put Emily to bed before. Em loves me; we'll be fine!" Quinn promised.
"I know you will, sweetie. Alright then, give me a hug," she said, pulling Quinn in for a tight squeeze. "You be good for Quinn, and momma will be back tomorrow," she told the toddler on her hip, giving her a kiss and passing her to Quinn.
Burt pulled Quinn in for a hug of his own, kissed the baby on the head, and the two made their way to the car where Finn and Kurt were already waiting. Quinn and Emily waved goodbye as the car sped away.
"Well, missy, it's just you and me. What should we do?" she asked the toddler.
"Tinko Bew!" Emily demanded.
"You want to watch Tinker Bell?" Emily nodded enthusiastically, clapping her hands.
The two cuddled on the couch watching the movie until Puck showed up. Emily immediately ran to him and tried to climb his leg, so he picked her up, flipped her upside down, and carried her back to the living room by her ankles, much to her delight. He flipped her back over and gently threw her back on the couch.
"Gen! Gen!" Emily shrieked.
The afternoon went well. Emily got upset that Carole wasn't there before bed, but Puck rocked her in the rocker and the two sang lullabies to her until she fell asleep. Then they finally got the chance to talk…really talk…for the first time in a long time. About the baby, about their futures, and about what they each thought the best thing to do was. Puck agreed that they weren't ready to be parents, but Quinn confessed her fear of abandoning the baby the way her parents abandoned her. Puck insisted that no matter what, he would support her. Quinn wasn't stupid. She knew she was never going to change Puck. He would never be faithful to her, and she would never entertain the idea of a relationship with him again. But she also felt that he would be faithful to their daughter. And a girl needs her father.
Lorrie showed up close to 9 and told Puck it was time to go home.
"How are you doing, hon?" she asked Quinn as the two sat on the couch watching Survivor.
"Fine," Quinn responded. As nice as Lorrie was, she didn't really know her all that well yet.
"No, really Quinn," Lorrie muted the TV, turning on the couch to face the teenager. "You've been through a lot lately. I know Kurt's been having a rough time and the family has been focused on him. I want to know how you are."
Quinn looked at her. Apart from very recently Burt and Carole, honest interest in her was something she wasn't particularly used to.
"I'm…" Quinn hesitated. But she really could use an ear, and Lorrie was lending her hers. "It's been…hard," she said. And she found herself spilling her guts. Sure, she could talk to Carole. And she did, but she really had only been living with the Hummel's for less than a month; the last week of which Kurt's problems trumped her own. Though Carole had addressed her concerns after she'd run away, it was still hard for Quinn, and it was nice to have someone else to talk to. She shared her fears regarding her baby. How much she wanted to keep her, but how she was worried that it was a selfish decision. She knew she wasn't ready to be a mother and she knew the baby would be better off with a family who was prepared to parent her, but she just couldn't bear the thought of handing off a child she created to somebody else. She worried that if she kept the baby, Puck wouldn't step in as much as he said he would and she would end up doing it alone. She still worried that her being here was a burden. That the Hummel's were mostly just keeping her because she was Kurt's sister. She worried that Kurt was always going to keep her at arm's length. That he would never trust her enough to tell her the truth about his life. How worried she was about Kurt and how hard it had been to see the incident at the mall, and all the flashbacks and panic attacks from the past week. How she felt like, as much as her life with the Fabray's sucked, she couldn't really complain after hearing what Kurt had been through. How she almost felt guilty for not having it as bad as he did. She worried that there was something wrong with her, and that's why her adoptive parents could never love her. She spent her entire life being told she wasn't good enough, she had to be better, do better. Perfection demanded. She didn't know who she was because she'd always been who Russ and Judy demanded that she be. And she talked about how absolutely petrified she was for Kurt's trial the next day. How worried she was that this would set him back even farther.
And Lorrie listened. The two talked for hours, well into the night. Lorrie knew she didn't have to give Quinn advice or try to solve her problems. Quinn was a young girl who had been through a lot of her own trauma and who had an extremely adult decision to make. She assured Quinn that she was very much wanted in the family, but she knew Quinn had to come to that realization on her own and that that would take time. The next day with Burt and Carole's blessing, Lorrie kept Quinn home from school. She knew going to school would probably only be detrimental as preoccupied as Quinn would be. She let her sleep in, took the girls out for lunch, then the three just spent the day together.
XXX
"Kurt, try and eat something please," Carole encouraged, but Kurt just shrugged it off. He couldn't stomach anything. It would come right back up, he was sure. He had never been this nervous. Never. Or maybe that wasn't quite true. He was terrified every time he switched foster homes. Every time he started a new school. Every time he thought about the possibility of a public meltdown. But he had already had three panic attacks that morning and he was completely positive something would happen on the stand. He could feel another one coming on. He needed to move…he needed air.
"I need to go outside," he announced, standing up and stalking out. Carole stood to go with him, but Nick offered to go instead, followed by Finn. Carole allowed it. Nick seemed to be having better luck than anyone else with Kurt the last few days.
"Text if you need me," she said. The boys nodded and followed Kurt out the door.
Nick sat next to him and placed his hand on Kurt's back. "Deep breaths, Kurt; it's going to be OK," Nick said softly. "You won't have to see them,"
"I wish you could be there with me," Kurt mumbled.
"I do, too. I wish they would let us, but I'll see you after," Nick responded, before reminding Kurt about Dr. Wheeler's advice. "But Dr. Wheeler will be there, and so will your parents. Focus on them, pretend your talking to them and not the attorneys."
Finn handed Kurt his new anxiety inhaler his mom had handed him before he followed the others out, along with a bottle of water. Kurt took a few puffs and started on tiny sips of water, the way he always did in the midst of a panic attack. Nick ran a hand up and down Kurt's back, breathing with Kurt as he did so.
An hour later, Nick, Kurt, Finn and their parents entered the court house. Carole had grabbed a banana and a few pieces of toast from the breakfast area before leaving and talked Kurt into eating some in the car. He nibbled on the ride and managed to finish half a banana and half a piece of toast. Dr. Wheeler, who would be present during Kurt's testimony to support him, met them at the courthouse and pulled Kurt into a private room to talk. The trial didn't start until that afternoon, but Kurt, Nick, Finn and Burt (who was called in to testify last minute) had to meet with the lawyers and the DA.
Kurt waited in the Judge's chambers with the psychiatrist. Burt, Finn and Nick would all be testifying on the stand, but Kurt arrived at the Judge's chambers before Riser and Herzing arrived at the court house. He would be going first, then leaving with Carole.
"How old are you, Kurt?"
"15"
"And how long have you known the defendants?
"Since I started at Briggs High School last year. Nick knew them through middle school, though."
"And in what capacity did you know them?"
"They were bullies. They would dump our lunch. Dump food on us. Call us names, shove us into lockers."
"Did you ever report this to the teachers?"
"Yes. But they were careful about not being caught."
"Did they bully a lot of students?"
"Well, they weren't very nice to unpopular kids, but they chose me and Nick in particular."
"And why is that?"
"Because…because…" Kurt took a few deep breaths. "Nick was openly gay. They bullied him for that all through middle school. I didn't come out at Briggs right away but they knew I was too. Nick was one of my best friends and…I guess they could just tell…"
"Can you walk us through what happened that night, Kurt?"
"I…well, Nick and me…we went to the dance together. They didn't really bother us at first. We went outside. My dad was going to pick us…my dad…he…pick us up," Kurt couldn't get the words out. Dr. Wheeler handed him his cup of water and asked him to take a few slow sips. He did.
"Can you continue?" she asked. He nodded. He could do this. He had to do this.
"Dad was going to pick us up," Kurt continued. "They…they attacked us. Four of them."
"Who were they?"
"He grabbed me from behind." Kurt didn't hear the question.
"Who grabbed you from behind?"
"I don't know. Matt or Todd, or the other one. Doug punched me. He punched me. Someone else had Nick…They're hurting him!"
Kurt tensed. His entire body tensed in his chair and he flung himself backward, knocking the chair over, him with it.
And Dr. Wheeler was there. Kurt shoved her back as hard as he could, trying to get to Nick, who was lying on the ground in front of him, unconscious.
"How is this kid deemed mentally capable of testifying to anything?" the defense attorney demanded. "How do we know he even saw my client that night, he's clearly mentally incompetent!"
Kurt headbutt the doctor, cracking the back of his head against her chest, hard. Burt got on the floor next to them, helping her restrain his flailing son. The meltdown continued to get worse as the typical methods failed to get him under control. Dr. Wheeler was forced to sedate him and they called for an ambulance. Carole went with Kurt and the doctor to the hospital, while Burt stayed with Finn at the courthouse. They still had to testify.
Carole and Dr. Wheeler spoke privately while Kurt was still sedated. Dr. Wheeler suggested that they admit Kurt to Harding for a week or two. The stress he had been under lately and the major backsliding he'd been doing with his control had caused things to be worse than they were in years. She was afraid Kurt would have a hard time regaining that control on his own. Carole agreed that it was an option, but stated that she wanted Kurt to be able to make that decision on his own. He was 15 and generally a good judge of what he needed to maintain his mental health. She also wanted to talk to Burt.
"I'm sorry," Kurt mumbled several hours later from a hospital bed at Harding. Burt and Finn had arrived 20 minutes previously, and Finn was waiting in the waiting room.
"Not your fault, Kurt," Dr. Wheeler said. "At the rate the stress of trial has caused flashbacks and panic attacks, I'm not at all surprised you lost control. This is in no way your fault." Kurt just nodded.
"But we do want to talk to you about something," she continued, having gotten both of the parents to agree if it was something Kurt wanted. "I want you to regain control. I think that's going to be hard to do if we just send you home and you go back to school. I think you're probably going to have a really hard time getting it all back without help." Kurt wiped the tears from his eyes, nodding his agreement. He knew what she said was true. "I'm afraid of you being triggered at school. I'm afraid of something happening that will cause a bunch of problems for you at McKinley going forward. Now, mom and dad have agreed that this was your decision to make, and they will support your decision, but I would like you to think about the possibility of being admitted to Harding's juvenile mental health branch for a few weeks, where you can have round-the-clock support. I want you to stay here for the night in any case; you can make the decision tomorrow. Just think about it, OK?"
Again, Kurt just nodded. Dr. Wheeler stood to leave the room.
"What happened?" Kurt asked before she could. "At the trial. Did it matter that I couldn't finish?"
"You said enough, Kurt. And they were caught in the act. Finn and Nick were able to testify about what went on before the event. The sentence hasn't been handed down yet, but rest assured, both Doug Riser and Todd Herzing will be put away," she assured him. "Get some rest. I'll come see you in the morning."
An hour or so later, Carole, Burt and Finn were on the road back to Lima, promising Kurt that they'd be back in the morning. Carole didn't want to leave the girls longer than necessary. Quinn was also in a fragile place and Carole wanted to be there for her.
XXX
Lorrie was putting Emily to bed while Quinn was working on homework at the kitchen table when Burt, Carole and Finn walked in.
"How'd it go?" she exclaimed. "Where's Kurt?"
"Kurt's in the hospital, honey. It went as we feared it might, Kurt had a flashback and they had to sedate him. But he's fine, he didn't hurt himself this time and he was feeling much better when we left Harding," she assured her foster daughter. "The boys who hurt him last year are going to spend time in juvie. We don't know how much yet, but it doesn't sound like they'll be getting off lightly." She kissed Quinn on the forehead. "Did everything go well here?"
Burt kissed Quinn on the top of the head as he walked past her, heading upstairs to relieve Lorrie. He could hear Emily crying, missing her parents.
"Yeah, fine. Lorrie made casserole, it's in the fridge," she said, noticing Finn preparing to make himself a sandwich. "So he's coming home tomorrow then?"
"Actually, his doctor would like to transfer him to the Juvenile branch in Bellfontaine for a little while; a few weeks maybe. That's where he goes for therapy, and they have a wonderful teen inpatient facility that Kurt has been to before. We want him to regain the control he's lost lately. We're leaving that up to Kurt," she informed Quinn, sitting next to her at the table. She put her hand over Quinn's, offering support if she needed it. "Kurt's pretty good at knowing what he needs though, and I think he will probably go for it. I think it's for the best. He's not in a good place right now."
Quinn sat still for a long moment, her mind racing. Kurt would probably not be coming home for several weeks? Sure, she wanted him to get better, too. She knew he wasn't in a good place…the last week had been horrible, but…god, everything was just piling up. Her emotions were haywire. Against her will, she burst into tears.
"Hey, hey," Carole shushed gently, rising and pulling Quinn to her feet and into her arms. She held her for a long moment before leading her to the couch and sitting down, guiding Quinn to sit next to her and holding her close. She rubbed Quinn's back as she cried until she could cry no more.
"I promise he'll be fine, Quinnie," she assured her. "This is to help him, he needs this."
"I know," Quinn agreed. "I know things aren't good with him. I just…I waited so long to find him, and everything happened so soon after we met…or maybe even partly because we met…and…he shut me out. I get it, I do, I just want to get to know my brother. I just thought after the trial everything would be better, he would be better, and maybe we could actually start developing some sort of relationship, but now it's going to be weeks before he's home and I just miss him," she said, tears stinging her blotchy red eyes once again. Carole continued to rub her back.
"I promise that Kurt will get better, and when he does you two can really start bonding. But we have to give him time to recover. And I know this has all been hard on you, too. Losing your parents, finding your brother, coming to live with us, all while pregnant…you've been through a lot." Quinn shifted, laying on the couch with her head on Carole's lap. Carole ran her fingers through Quinn's hair. "I'm always here for you, Quinn. You never need to be afraid to talk to me. You never need to hide your emotions. You can come to me any time, you know that, right?"
XXX
The next morning after Finn and Quinn left for school, Burt and Carole packed a bag for Kurt. They packed some of his nicer clothes, but mostly comfortable clothing, toiletries, his bear, and his pictures…the one of his biological family, and the one of the five of them together. They'd have to get a new one with Quinn soon. Then they left Emily with Lorrie and made the drive back to Columbus.
Kurt had come to the conclusion that being admitted to Harding was the best thing for him. He didn't want to miss school or glee. He was worried that missing too much glee would limit his opportunity for solos; but he was also aware that if he didn't regain the control that he lost something really bad would probably happen at school. Then he would miss regionals altogether. Then he would embarrass himself to the point that the bullying at McKinley would turn into what it was at Briggs. His PTSD issues hadn't been this bad in years. He had to do whatever it took to avoid any more public flashbacks.
So when his parents arrived that morning as he was picking at (but not really eating) his breakfast, he informed them that he would be staying at Harding until he was better. He would keep up with his education by correspondence and he would work on his mental health. He also requested that they bring Quinn for a few family sessions. He was well aware of how much that helped the last time he was inpatient all those years ago, and he wanted help starting a new relationship with the twin he'd lost 10 years ago. To his surprise his parents already had a bag packed. They seemed to know he would make this decision, though he was glad they let him come to it on his own.
They talked to Dr. Wheeler on the phone and informed her of Kurt's decision. She said she'd meet them in Bellefontaine, and Kurt climbed into his parents' car.
After his parents had left him at the hospital an hour and a half later, Kurt grabbed his bag, then followed his psychiatrist through the winding halls toward the inpatient ward where he'd spent 6 months 6 years previously. He knew this stay wasn't going to be that long. He hoped he would be out in just a few weeks.
Dr. Wheeler introduced him to the head psychiatrist in the inpatient ward, who talked with him for about 20 minutes before introducing him to a nurse, who showed him to his room. Kurt quickly fell into the routine that had been a part of his life during his previous stay. Therapy with a Harding psychiatrist in the morning; they were going to focus on EMDR during his stay at Harding this time around, and it would continue after he left. School the rest of the morning until lunch with the tutor. Group therapy or school after lunch. Then individual therapy with Dr. Wheeler the three days a week she spent in the facility, or a Harding psychiatrist if she wasn't there. Group activity after therapy. Dinner. Free time, family therapy, or group therapy depending on the day. Usually some group activity before bed if he felt like going.
Kurt quickly made friends at Harding. As was the case last time, he felt at home here. He didn't feel broken, because these people understood. He didn't need to be embarrassed about having a panic attack or flashback as he was talking in group, because these people understood. He didn't need to feel like he would be judged for his fears, his past, his traumas, because these people understood. He didn't need to feel so weak about losing the control he had so carefully gained, that he worked so hard for, because backslides happened and these people understood. Kurt loved his friends. Those that knew most or some of his past and the issues that came with it, like Nick and Brittany, loved and supported him and were in his corner 100%. Those that knew he had a past and it caused some issues, like Sam, Kyle, Troy, Sophia, and Katie loved and supported him and were in his corner 100%. He loved his family, and he knew that they would always love and support him. But none of them truly understood. None of them had the life experiences that he had. None of them faced the daily issues that he did. None of them worked tirelessly to just appear normal. None of them had to avoid stupid, mundane things like Santa at all costs to avoid having a total freak-out in public. As much as he wished he didn't need it, in so many ways he was relieved to be at Harding where he didn't have to worry about or focus on anything but on his mental health.
Kurt loved Lucy…who he had a hard time thinking of as Quinn. He had waited so incredibly long for her to come back into his life, and he was unbelievably glad that she finally had. He also knew that he hadn't exactly been nice to her lately. He didn't have it in him to worry about her feelings. He knew where she was now. He knew she was safe, and that he could be with her after he figured his shit out. He knew she loved him, too. But he was terrified that if she found out what a broken mess he was she wouldn't want him in her life. He had been rejected over and over and over again throughout the course of his life. He couldn't stand it if she found rejected him. That was why he asked his parents to bring her to Harding so they could talk to Dr. Wheeler together.
XXX
Quinn and Finn went to school together on Tuesday. Quinn didn't want to. She actually threw a major Kurt-like fit when Burt and Carole made her. Burt and Carole were going to Columbus to see Kurt and probably bring him to Bellefontaine. She wanted to join them, but her foster parents insisted that Kurt had a lot to process right now. If he chose inpatient, Quinn being there may make that harder. This had to be about Kurt. She could see him soon.
"Where's Kurt?" Brittany asked when she joined them at lunch. "How was…everything…yesterday?" The other glee kids had not yet joined the table.
"He's in the hospital," Finn said under his voice. "Mom thinks he'll be there for a while."
Quinn sighed somewhat angrily. She still couldn't get over how much Brittany knew about her brother that they were keeping from her. Sure, Brit had known him for years but still, she was his twin. Brittany was about to respond when the other kids joined the table.
"Where's Kurt?" Mercedes asked. None of the three Hummel teenagers had been at school the day before, so nobody questioned it, figuring they were sick or out of town or something, but the fact that the last time she had seen Kurt he was being carted off by security and now, 2 weeks later, he wasn't back at school was concerning to her. Of course, except for talking about it with Tina alone, she had kept her promise and not mentioned that incident to anyone.
"He's sick. Mom's taking him to the doctor today," Finn said before changing the subject to regionals. Quinn noticed Mercedes' uncertain side eye, like she didn't quite believe Finn, but she dropped the subject.
Carole was chopping vegetables while Emily colored in her high chair when Quinn arrived home from school. Finn had basketball practice.
"Hey kiddo! How was school?" she asked.
"Fine," was the typical teenage response.
"Come help me with dinner. We can talk," Carole requested.
Quinn did so, grabbing a peeler and a potato and getting started. "How is Kurt?" she asked her foster mother.
"Well…he decided to stay," Carole informed her. "We dropped him off in Bellefontaine this morning. He did request that we bring you so the two of you can have a few sessions with Dr. Wheeler together, though."
Quinn sighed sadly, trying not to take it personally when Carole said he decided to stay, but when she continued, Quinn looked at her, eyes wide.
"Really?" she asked. "Why?"
"Kurt has an incredibly hard time trusting people. It takes a long time for a person to earn his trust, and once someone has earned his trust he holds on to that person like his life depended on it," Carole explained. "Quinn, Kurt has waited years to see you again. He loves you, and he's trying very hard to trust you. He want's his doctor's help in building a relationship. He wants you to know things that he has a hard time talking about, and he wants her support in telling you."
Quinn looked down at her potato, silent. Thinking.
"This is a good thing," Carole assured her. Quinn nodded, blinking away tears.
"Burt and I also talked, and we agreed that we think therapy would be a good idea for you, too," she went on. Quinn snapped her head up. "I think everyone has some things they need to work through.
"I'm not crazy," Quinn protested without thinking. Mental health was a taboo subject with the Fabray's. Even knowing Kurt's issues, she couldn't help but feel that her foster parents thought something was wrong with her if she needed therapy.
"Neither is Kurt. Therapy isn't for crazy people, it's for people who need outside help dealing with things in their life that are too big for them to handle alone. Or even just for people who cope better with an outside person to talk to. There is no shame in therapy, Quinn. Finn has seen a therapist over the years, and Kurt has never gone without a therapist since we got him. Burt and I have also both gone to therapy to help us be the best we could for Kurt and our other foster children."
Quinn silently looked at her potato, slowly running the peeler across the skin. Carole took the peeler out of her hand, and gently took Quinn's chin to look at her.
"You are a 15-year-old girl who has been through more than any 15-year-old girl should ever have to go through," Carole told her softly. "We want what's best for you. We want you to have someone to talk to freely. Dr. Wheeler gave us the name of a local therapist who specializes in teenagers who have been adopted or are in foster care. She sounds like a wonderful therapist. You have an appointment with her on Monday."
"You already made an appointment without talking to me?!" Quinn shrieked. "I won't go!" she threw the potato on the counter and stormed off to her room. Carole, who knew she needed some time to cool off, let her go. She'd check on her in a half hour or so. Perhaps she should have picked a better time, but actually seeing the therapist wasn't something she and Burt were inclined to give Quinn a choice about. She had called the office, and upon finding out that the therapist only had enough room on her caseload for two new patients, and that the only day she could see Quinn was the following Monday, Carole snagged the spot to avoid losing it.
Quinn refused to speak to Carole through dinner. She ate her roast silently, angrily stabbing the potatoes and carrots as she did so.
"Quinn, that's enough," Burt stated. Carole had told him what happened. "I know your angry, but we only want what's best for you."
"By telling me I'm crazy? By making me go to therapy without talking to me about it first?" she snapped.
"Hey! That is enough," Burt scolded. "We don't use that word in that way in this house. Therapy doesn't make you crazy, and I don't want you suggesting otherwise, especially around Kurt, got it?" She looked down guiltily, but nodded. She should have known that would be a sore point in this house. And she truly didn't feel that Kurt was crazy; she wasn't entirely sure why she said it.
"I'm seeing one, too," Finn shrugged. "There's nothing wrong with it, Quinn. It helps."
"You are?" she asked, startled. Carole said he'd seen therapists over the years, but not currently.
"Sure. I mean I haven't started yet, but I have over the years when we lived in Columbus. Mom and dad thought it might be a good idea with all the changes lately and the attack last year, and I agree. It would be nice to talk to someone. I don't go announcing it at school, but there isn't any shame in it," he said, going back to his meal. Quinn really didn't have a response to that. But if Finn, as well adjusted and normal as he was, didn't see an issue with it, she supposed she might give it a try. And never tell a soul.
The next day in glee, Mercedes once again asked where Kurt was.
"He's…uh…he's got mono," Finn replied. Quinn kicked him. Hard.
"Ow!" he said, glaring at her.
"It's not mono, Finn," she rolled her eyes, trying to play it off. For some, the "kissing disease" would build a kid's reputation. But she knew the kids in this school and knew that for Kurt, it would only make the bullying worse. She knew Finn meant no harm, he was trying just trying to think of something that would result in a long absence, but he could be clueless.
"It's pneumonia. Carole took him to Columbus…he's in the hospital, but they said he'd be fine," she explained confidently. Mercedes did not look convinced. But the subject was dropped.
XXX
Thursday afternoon while Carole was working the evening shift and Finn was babysitting Emily, Kurt sat waiting for his dad to bring Lucy to the hospital so they could have therapy together. That morning, he and Dr. Wheeler had talked about what Kurt wanted out of the session with his sister. Kurt said that he wanted his sister to know some of his past. Not all of it; not as much as he told Nick, but even Finn didn't know everything Nick did. He wanted to stop keeping her at arm's length. He wanted to start building a new relationship with the sister he lost 10 years ago. The twin he no longer knew. They each had different trauma histories. And while she may not have had to endure the physical trauma that he did, he also knew that her adoptive parents were anything but kind.
When Lucy arrived, Kurt didn't immediately greet her. He was happy to see her, but he was also nervous. He was regaining some control of his panic attacks, but they were still frequent. He had had three that day as he prepared for this session. He was embarrassed about everything that happened prior to being admitted, from the flashback at the mall, to ignoring her and pushing her away before the trial.
"Hey," she said, sitting next to him on the bench.
"Hi," he responded. "Thanks for coming." The whole thing felt too…cordial. It felt wrong, so Kurt pulled her in for a hug. She returned it without question. After hugging his dad, Kurt and Lucy followed Dr. Wheeler to her office, Kurt deciding not to release Lucy's hand. She didn't fight it.
The session went well. Dr. Wheeler asked a few questions, kept the flow going, and helped the teens process as they talked, but allowed the conversation to flow between the two of them. There were some things Kurt couldn't talk about, but asked Dr. Wheeler to fill his sister in. Twice, Kurt had to stop and breathe as his anxiety started building toward a panic attack. He resorted to his inhaler once.
Kurt began his story. He told her about the Carson's, and how good they were to him, but that he lost them due to Mr. Carson's cancer. He told her about Mr. Douser and the fact that Kurt was too faggy and Mr. Douser hated that, hated Kurt, and made Kurt hate himself. With Dr. Wheeler's help, he told her about the abuse, the Santa trigger, the PTSD, why it's hard for him sometimes to be around bigger men. Kurt took breaks often, paced the room as he talked, and pulled out the play dough Dr. Wheeler kept in her office for something to focus on as he talked. When he had a panic attack, Dr. Wheeler reminded him about his coping techniques and talked him through them, and Kurt was able to calm himself down. He told Lucy about that horrible first six months with Burt and Carole. About Finn, and how he truly didn't think he would have made it without Finn. Finn, who saved him on countless occasions. Who, despite what happened at McKinley earlier that year, was always there for Kurt. He told her about the gym incident in middle school, the bullying that resulted, and about being attacked and shoved in the locker. He told her about Bajar, his safe space, the best years he could have asked for, but how he lost that, too. Then high school at Briggs…the bullying, the winter formal incident.
When he was finished, he refused to look at Lucy. He was afraid of what he might see. He rolled out the play dough, choosing to focus on that instead.
"Kurt," she said softly after 2 or so minutes of silence. She had moved over to him, and placed her hand over his. He looked at her. She had tears in her eyes. So did he. She pulled him into a hug. He tensed at first, but when she didn't let go he relaxed into it, hugging her back.
The story took the full session that day, and then it was time for Lucy to leave, but Dr. Wheeler said she wanted to do another session with her on Tuesday, and Lucy quickly agreed.
The ride home was mostly silent. Burt tried to make conversation several times, asked how it went, but Quinn didn't answer. Eventually, he let her be. When they arrived home, Quinn went directly to her room and lay on her bed. Burt greeted Finn and followed her, worried about her silence. He squatted next to her bed and ran one hand through her hair.
"Are you OK?" he asked, softly. Quinn through herself into his arms, knocking him backward. He picked himself up, seating himself on her bed and drawing her back into his arms, where she clung to his shirt, finally letting herself go. He held her as she cried until she could cry no more, then he just held her.
Quinn was still so unused to being held like this. She was so unused to being allowed to show emotions without being ridiculed. She was used to holding herself emotionless because emotions were weak. She was never hugged or even touched, let alone supported when she was upset. Now that she had parents that helped put her back together when she fell apart, she allowed herself to let go. Right now, she needed to be put back together. And for the first time in her memory, she had a father to hold her as she did just that.
She spent the drive back home trying to process everything Kurt had told her. Her life wasn't great. She had parents that treated her more like a possession than a daughter, and never really loved her. But they never laid a finger on her. She had food to eat, clothes to wear, a safe place to sleep. That, in exchange for being perfect, meeting their expectations, and showing to the world that they were a happy, perfect family. But Kurt…sure, he ultimately ended up in a much better home than she did, but the 10 months he spent in a horrible home…she felt like it trumped the 10 years she spent in a not-great home. And even with his truly perfect parents, more and more things happened to him because the world didn't like who he was that contributed to his already traumatic story and just built on the PTSD issues he already experienced. It was no wonder he struggled so much; no wonder he kept so much hidden and had such a hard time trusting.
Burt and Quinn lay there silently for a solid hour before she was ready to let go. When they did, he asked if she was hungry. She nodded, but didn't get out of bed.
After using the restroom, Burt asked Finn to get Emily ready for bed as he didn't want to leave Quinn. When Finn agreed, he made sandwiches for Quinn and himself, then rejoined her in the bedroom.
"I just feel so guilty," Quinn admitted when she'd finished half her sandwich.
"Why is that?" Burt asked.
"How I acted this week…how selfish I've been, making it all about me after what he was going through. And that my life…well, it wasn't perfect, but they never hurt me. I feel like I have all these problems, but my story can't even compare to Kurt's," she said quietly.
"You can't compare traumas, Quinn," Burt replied. He felt like he could have a master's in psychology at this point, with all the education and experiences he and Carole had had over the years. "Kurt has been through a lot. His experiences had a detrimental effect on his life, and I will never, ever downplay that. But for 9 of the 10 years the two of you were apart, Kurt had a family who loved him. His experiences do not void yours. You've been through a lot, as well, and you have a right to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel about those years and those experiences. Carole and I will be right here for you, the way we've always been there for Kurt. I don't ever, ever want you to feel like you have to hide what your feeling or hide the effects that those years have had on you just because you feel like Kurt has had it worse, OK?"
That was all it took for Quinn to dissolve into tears again. Damn hormones.
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