"...Hey Nagisa? Can I ask you a sort of weird question?"
"Of course," Nagisa says, thumbing through his worksheets. "What is it?"
"What did you and your friends do when you fought? Like… when you were my age, I mean."
...Nagisa's had the feeling that something was wrong for a while now.
He pauses, giving Makoto a glance over. It's eight in the morning... a solid half-hour before class starts- and he'd strutted up to Nagisa's desk with an awkward, troubled expression. He teeters from foot to foot, looking up at him with these big, curious eyes.
"When we… fought?" Nagisa repeats. "You mean like… Karma and Kayano and I?"
Makoto shrugs. "Yeah. You and everyone, really. You had to get into some scuffles back in the day, right? I mean - you're on good terms with everyone from back then, and that's… like… a feat. Karma was the craziest guy on the planet, and Asano-kun was practically your mortal enemy! You couldn't have gotten along right away, right? What'd you do when there were bumps in the road?"
He frames it as a very casual question… jokes the whole time. But there's this sense of desperation to his voice, and Nagisa can sense it.
It's been a little under two months now since Kiyoshi started displaying his strange behavior. Soon after he'd stopped showing up at their house. For a little while, things had seemed to cool over, and he'd even briefly returned! But it's three or so days ago that things started getting weird again. Pretty abruptly Kiyoshi had disappeared off the face of the earth, and this time Fumiko had followed suit.
At first, Nagisa had wondered if it were a mere coincidence - after all, three days is nothing in the grand scope of things... and it is Flu season. But Karasuma had called up Nagisa, confirming there'd been an 'incident' with Kiyoshi and he wouldn't be at school for the next few days. And after that Fumiko had approached Nagisa and asked to have her seat moved somewhere 'far away from Makoto.'
Nagisa's not sure what happened between the three of them, but whatever it is, it must have been ugly.
('People that close… they don't just ghost each other without warning, do they?')
...His mind wanders back to that second year of middle school.
"Okay… so first of all; Gakushuu is not and never was my 'mortal enemy,' so I'm not sure where you're getting that from…," Nagisa says, shaking his head. "But before I share anything with you about how I handled those sorts of things as a kid… I do gotta ask: what's going on? You three have been acting weird lately. Did something happen?"
Makoto tenses slightly. Although just as soon as it shows, all signs of tension vanish. He gives a lazy shrug. "Sorta," he admits. "But it's nothing big. It's not - like - a huge deal. Don't get worried about us or whatever. I'm just curious, mostly."
Nagisa doesn't believe a word of that, but he doesn't push. He knows Makoto's not someone who takes well to forced confession. Unless he believes it's an emergency, there's no reason to make him talk right now. If Makoto really wants, he'll come to Nagisa in time.
"Well… when we had small arguments, you'd help us talk through them, mostly," Nagisa admits. "We were fifteen, so we weren't always the best with our words. It could be nice to have a mediator."
"You'd urge us to express our feelings in unconventional ways… battling people we didn't get along with in the classroom, and encouraging us to find 'unique solutions' to convey that people were bothering us… like taping up the robot that kept interrupting our class time. It's the sort of thing that made confrontation… having 'clashing opinions' a lot less scary. But honestly, I can't talk about it too much. I don't actually have a ton of experience. I got into one or two scuffles back in the day, but I wasn't really an argumentative guy."
And that's… technically true! He only had one big fight over the course of the entire school year. (That is unless you include the various and intense brutal fights he had with the malevolent adults constantly swarming to their doorstep, but those don't count.)
"Ah…" Makoto says, tilting his head. He keeps his good-natured smile up, but it's impossible to mask the disappointment in his tone. "I don't know why," he says with a laugh. "But for some reason I assumed you were a quarrel-magnet. Must've been the badass energies."
"B-badass?" Nagisa sputters. "Well, I'm not sure I was badass. But thank you for the compli-" Wait. This is way besides the point. "I mean- uh - where were we?" He shakes his head. "I'm sorry. That probably isn't the answer you wanted to hear. That I got most of my conflict resolution skills from you… but it's true. I guess what I'm trying to say is having a supportive adult can help. I'm no Korosensei, but if you ever need someone to help you talk things out or offer up a solution, you know I'm always here for you."
Makoto smiles for a moment, but quickly steps backwards. "Yeah. Yeah. I know…" he says, shifting from foot to foot. "And I appreciate it. You're the best. But… uh… I think this is one of those things you can't really help with." He holds his hands up defensively. "No offense! It's not that - it's not that you're not good enough. It's just… it's… weird." His gaze flits towards the ground. "...This is one of those things… that… it's one of those things that I don't know if it can be talked out at all.
Nagisa frowns.
"...That doesn't sound like nothing," Nagisa says. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
'A gentle nudge,' he reminds himself. Offer up support if Makoto wants it. If he doesn't, that's okay too.
Makoto seems to think it over for a moment, but soon shakes his head. "...'m sure," he says. "I just want advice. And stories. If that's okay, I mean. I don't think I'm ready to talk about it yet."
"...That's more than okay," Nagisa says. "What else do you want to hear?"
Admittedly he's worried. But if Makoto isn't ready he isn't ready. All Nagisa can do is keep a careful eye on him and the other two until one of them is willing to open up. He wonders if the counselor would be able to help… or at least speed up the process, but it seems like that's a preposition still not happening for another few months. He met a nice guy from a few cities over he believes would mesh well with his program, but he wants to finish up work at his current school before he transfers. Understandable, but that sort of leaves Nagisa alone in this predicament.
"Well… I guess I'm trying to ask what you did during big fights- the class as a whole, I mean, if you were never in any. Stuff that wasn't just… little misunderstandings." He scratches at his arm. "Y'know… like… when someone argued against something near and dear to your heart. Something you weren't gonna budge on. What'd you do then? If you didn't think you'd ever see eye to eye? There had to be some things you couldn't talk out."
Now that sends Nagisa's mind wandering. He believes there are very few things in life that can't be talked out. And he believes there are even fewer beliefs Makoto holds that he and his friends would even argue about. What is it he holds so close to his heart that they wouldn't be able to see eye to eye on? He can't even begin to fathom it.
(He supposes there's no use dwelling on it now. Makoto's looking for advice. He can try to get to the bottom of… whatever it is going on later.)
"...Huh. Well… we weren't in a lot of situations like that, but I guess once or twice we did have slightly bigger fights." Nagisa admits, scratching at his chin. "There's - uh… one time I can think of. But I'm not sure how much detail I should go into about that."
Makoto leans forward over the desk. "Huh? Why?" he asks. "Is it something I wasn't there for? Don't tell me you're embarrassed to let me know. Did you do something naughty?"
"Ah-! No!" Nagisa replies, quickly putting to rest any budding assumptions that he'd gotten into a huge pissing match with one of his friends over whether or not to rob a bank, smoke marijuana, or anything else of a similarly criminal caliber. He is a good boy, and he will not have his name dragged through the mud by his sensei! "It was nothing like tha- it was something you were there for."
...The class civil war.
He still remembers it like it was yesterday… how quickly the tensions had risen. With a few simple words, the bond they'd built over the year had come crashing down in an instant. The topic they'd all been dreading - what to do with Korosensei - finally breached... only for them to find out that their classmates- who they'd trusted more than anything- didn't see it the same way.
("We need to save Korosensei!"
"Why!?"
"What do you mean why!?"
"This is what we've been training for all year! You expect us to toss that all out the window over his 'tragic backstory!?'"
"He's a human being!"
"And he could still end the world!"
"We don't know that! We could change it!"
"No! We can't. I know you think you're so capable, so gifted at everything, but you're just privileged. We're kids. What can we change? Besides, even if you've hardly had to try to become a good assassin, some of us have been working our asses off. Does that mean nothing to you?"
"Of course not! I- I- I-")
Nagisa shakes his head. It's best not to think about it too much. Sometimes it still makes his blood boil.
"Well if I was there for it… why can't you share?" Makoto asks. "I'm sure it's nothing that embarrassing."
"It's not embarrassing," Nagisa replies quickly. "It's… it's not like that, either." He shakes his head. "It's… personal. I'm not sure if it's one of those things that will hit too close to home for you or not."
After all… they were discussing whether or not to murder him.
...In hindsight, it's pretty obvious Korosensei hadn't particularly minded dying. There's a reason he hadn't taken sides during the civil war, and there's a reason he hadn't tried harder to escape the Shield of Earth. All the same, however, Nagisa's not sure he's comfortable discussing that with Makoto. He's just 13. And he knows he's bound to take it personally. This is effectively discussing whether all the adults he trusts were okay with killing him off or not.
"Too close to home?" Makoto asks. "Well… taking it you were arguing about me, then." He gives a dry laugh. "I wouldn't worry about it. I had a feeling you guys got into a big argument about me at some point or another. Can't remember what it was about… but something happened to you and Karma, yeah?" He cocks his head. "...Whatever is, I'm sure you can just tell me. I'm bound to remember it eventually, and besides: I've had a pretty terrible week as is. I'm sure it can't get much worse. What happened? And more importantly: What'dya do? You and Karma clearly don't got any bad blood now."
"Well…" Nagisa's eyes flit towards his desk. Makoto's right… but all the same, he feels weird just saying it. What if Makoto… what if Makoto ends up resenting Karma and the rest because of it? That's not what he wants. Karma… Nakamura… Itona and everyone else… it's not that they'd hated Korosensei... and it's certainly not that they hadn't wanted him around. They'd just wanted to preserve that special bond they had. They feared that if assassination was removed from the equation, things would never be the same.
"...Do you remember that we stopped assassinations for a little while?" he settles on. "In late February? Early March? Do you know what happened to cause that?"
"Now that I think about it…" Makoto muses. "No. In fact, I didn't realize you guys ever really stopped. I've got a few memories where you weren't trying to off me, but it's hard to place a date on a lot of that stuff." He cocks his head. "What happened?"
"Well… uh… a little bit after Kayano revealed her secret identity, we all learned the truth behind where you came from. The stuff with you being The Reaper… what Yanagisawa did to you, and the promise you made to Yukimura-sensei. It was a lot sprung on us all at once, and so we didn't know how to process that information. Because of that… we got in a pretty big fight over it."
Makoto shifts slightly, albeit Nagisa can't tell at what. The idea of them fighting… or the stuff to do with his past? Either way, it makes him feel pretty uneasy. He has to be careful to word this delicately.
"You see… up until that point you had put on a very deliberate sort of act in front of us. Did everything in your power to make sure we regarded you as goofy, eternally-optimistic, and downright bizarre... all because you wanted us to have an easier time 'killing' you. If we learned the truth about your past, you knew we'd have doubts. And sure enough, when the truth came out, some of us did."
"We realized you were a person… just like us. And a person who'd suffered a lot, at that. We were horrified at the idea of taking another human's life, and thought that maybe if you'd been made that way through science, there was a way to reverse it. Some of us - well - er… I - pitched the idea of saving you. And a good amount of the class was on board!"
"But some of the class… some of the class felt very insulted by that. It wasn't that they didn't care about you, and it wasn't that they didn't want you to be happy. But they'd spent all year training for this. And you'd spent all year hyping it up for them. Our bond was… primarily built through the art of assassination, and they feared that if killing you was removed from the equation, then what we had would suddenly fall apart."
"Of course… for some of them, it was a lot more personal than that. One or two people were just pissed at me- but that was the general gist of it. Like I've told you before… assassination was the first thing a lot of us felt actually good at, and some people had worked really hard to get to that point. They didn't want to go back to feeling defenseless."
...They've talked about it pretty in-depth over the years. For a long time the class civil war was a sore spot…- an open, undiscussed secret among the E-Class. But as they've gotten older… as they've gotten wiser, and able to understand where other people are coming from a bit better... they've managed to open up. All of them were going through a pretty hard time, and had a real conviction in what they said… even if at the time Nagisa had resented them for it.
"Of course, I didn't really get this," Nagisa admits, scratching at the back of his neck. You were - like - the first adult who'd ever told me you were proud of me. I was terrified of losing you. And more than that… I felt like I owed it to you... after everything you'd done for me. I wanted to 'save you' too."
Makoto cocks his head, thinking that over for a long minute. He doesn't frown, but he does look deep in thought.
"The rest of them didn't?"
"No! Don't take it that way," Nagisa replies quickly. "All of them loved you. I can say that without a doubt. And they felt they owed you, too. They just expressed it in a different way. They felt they owed you the respect to give you what you wished for. That if they backed down, they'd not only be disappointing you, but failing you."
Makoto scratches his chin. "...I see."
"I wasn't willing to budge on my perspective, however. And neither was anyone else backing me up. We wanted there to be a way to find a happier ending, and we weren't going to let our classmates rip that away from us just because they were 'selfish,' or 'bitter,' or 'didn't understand."
Nagisa smiles. "Do you see what I'm getting at?"
Makoto shrugs. "Not really."
"What I'm trying to say is neither of us were willing to budge - but neither of us were really wrong. We were just fighting for what we believed in… what was near and dear to our hearts. At the time we thought the other side was selfish - that they were acting out for no reason, but the reality of the situation was they had the interests of the same exact person in mind… they were just expressing it in a different way."
"Of course… I'm not telling you to approach every situation in life with that sort of attitude. There are plenty of people in this world who have genuinely cold- callous opinions, and there's a point where you need to stop considering their side. People like… Takaoka… Yanagisawa… Gakuho... hear them out. See if you can find anything worth learning in what they're saying, and then shut them down when they don't have others' best interests in mind."
"But when you're fighting with someone you really care about… someone you know is good… and when you can't understand where they're coming from or why they'd say what they're saying, try to consider what they're going through. The truth is the more empathy you show in considering how they feel about the situation, the more likely they'll be to consider how you feel, too. People don't like to be made out to be the bad guy, especially when they're just doing what they think is right."
Makoto seems to give that consideration, but quickly shakes his head. "But what if - what if they're not right?" he asks. "What if they're doing something really bad, and they're doing something that's gonna hurt other people? I can't just - I can't just meet in the middle on that!"
"And I'm not expecting you to," Nagisa says. "If you think any of your friends are displaying legitimate cruelty, or you think anyone's in genuine danger: then just let me know. I will take care of it. But no-one- and I mean no-one on the planet- is going to change their opinion over being told 'you're wrong.' That makes people feel defensive. That makes them dig their heels in further. Especially coming from someone they care about."
Makoto huffs.
"...t's not like they care about me anymore."
He says it with an irate sense of brattiness… but there's a certain loneliness to his voice. He can pretend to be fed-up all he wants, but the truth is he just sounds hurt.
"I'm sure that's not true, Makoto…" Nagisa replies. "People can say… people can say very hurtful things when they're angry."
(Karma accuses him of not caring and slams his back down across the dirt. He's the one who doesn't care!? He's the one who's pretending to be something he's not!? It's Karma who left!)
"But that doesn't mean… that doesn't mean they actually believe those things. And if they do believe those things, then… I'm sure you're capable of proving them wrong. Whether that be through your spirit or through your kindness, I know you'll find a way." He pauses. "I know that might be annoying to hear right now-" he admits.
"It is," Makoto interjects.
"But I mean it. And I believe in you. If you try your hardest, I just know you'll make it through to your friend."
Makoto huffs. "I mean - you keep saying this stuff… about how perfect I am, how I can do anything if I just try… but it doesn't feel like that a lot of the time. I am trying my hardest! I did! And it didn't work! In fact… I'm pretty sure I just made things worse. What do I do then?"
"Then…" Nagisa pauses. He wants to give Makoto advice, but he also doesn't want to be rash with it. He knows just how much it can hurt to receive empty praise. "Then I think… all you can do is give it time. Sometimes even if you're ready to talk, someone else might need a little bit more time to sort out their issues. All you can do is hope they'll come to you in time."
(There'd been an awkward tension between the two of them all year. Not friends, but not enemies either. Too close to be strangers… yet too far to be anything close to companions. Ex-friends, but unstated... unexplained… leaving Nagisa alone to wonder what exactly it is he did wrong as Karma's fears only grew.)
"Well… I'm hoping," Makoto admits, looking defeated. "I'm really, really hoping. Because… 'm not gonna take it back… what I said. Never. But I… I…" he bats at his eyes. "I really miss them."
Makoto's not crying. Not yet, that is. But all the same, he looks like a kicked puppy.
Nagisa steps away from his chair. He makes his way over to Makoto's side and places a careful hand on his shoulder. It shakes as he squeezes it.
...Some part of him is almost tempted to be mad. He's not sure which of Makoto's friends did this to him… they've both been staying away… but he's this close to resenting them. ' How dare you break Sensei's heart? ' he thinks. 'How dare you make him cry? '
At least until he stills himself… and remembers that they're good kids, too.
Fumiko… Kiyoshi… both of them are compassionate, kind people... the sort of people who would never lash out without reason. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Makoto is an impulsive wreck. He's got a heart of gold, but he's overconfident… petty… and stubborn as all hell. Whatever it is he's hearing here… he's sure it's not the full story. He needs to remember to have compassion for whatever it is they're going through, too.
And so… instead of looking angry, Nagisa tries his best to look gentle. He pulls Makoto in for an awkward hug and says "...I know you do. But you know what else I know? I know they must miss you too right now. More than anything. I'm sure as long as you're compassionate… as long as you're kind… as long as you do your best to understand, they'll be able to understand you too, eventually."
Makoto leans into his hug, clutching at Nagisa so tight it hurts.
"Promise me," he begs. "Promise me everything will be okay."
"...Makoto," Nagisa says, shaking his head. "...You know I can't do that. I can't make promises. I'm not all-knowing. If I'm wrong… I don't want you to resent me for that. And if you think I'm right… then I don't want you to not try because of that. Repairing relationships takes a lot- and I mean a lot of work. It's not the sort of thing I can guarantee you a fairytale ending for."
"But what I can do is tell you what I've experienced. And what I've experienced is… yes, these things work out in time. Sometimes they don't work out prettily. They can be messy… and sad… and violent. But when you have a friend like that… someone you want to keep by your side forever, it's likely they feel the same way about you. And if they don't make it up to you… then they'll always have to live with that: feeling a little bit lonelier... a little bit emptier. No-one wants to have to live with that."
"And so… no, I won't promise you. But I will tell you what I think is likely. And I think… things will be something close to alright one day. Just trust me on that, okay?"
"Okay," Makoto relents, clutching Nagisa's shoulders. "But you- you gotta trust me too, alright!? That I- that I'm doing the right thing. 'm really scared they're gonna come to you… that they're gonna make me out to be the bad guy. And that you'll think I was so mean you'll hate me. Or that… that you'll hate someone else who didn't do anything wrong. I'm not trying to be mean, I promise. I just wanna protect the people I love…"
"Makoto…" Nagisa replies. "I could never hate you. And I know you'd never hurt anyone on purpose. No matter what they tell me, I am never going to be mad at you, and I am never going to yell at you. You don't have anything to be afraid of." He shakes his head. "If you've really hurt someone else's feelings… of course I'll consider that. And I might even be disappointed in you... temporarily. But that is not the same thing as being mad."
"If I think you've done something mean, all I'll do is let you know. Because I believe you when you say you don't wanna hurt anyone, and it's my job as a teacher to help you do whatever I think is right. And if I don't think you've done anything wrong, I'll make sure to let them know that… help you explain your side. I never want you to feel defenseless."
"But until that time comes… until one of you is ready to open up to me, there's nothing more I can do than be there for you... which I will. If you ever want to talk like this again… or even if you just want a hug: I'm here for you. And when you're ready to tell me what happened, I promise I'll be there for you as well."
He pauses.
"I know I just said I don't make promises - but that's… uh- the exception. It is the promise I made when I took up this job, after all."
Makoto laughs softly, giving a hesitant nod. There's still a certain tension to his posture, but he relaxes ever so slightly... finally releasing his iron grip on Nagisa's back.
"Thanks, Nagisa," he admits, awkwardly stepping away. "I dunno what I'd ever do if you were mad at me. But it helps… to think you'll be backing me up." He scratches at his arm. "Things have been hard lately... lonely, too. But I'll try my best to do what's right. And I'll try my best to make you proud."
Nagisa places a hand on his hair and ruffles it gently. "I just know you will," he says. "Good luck, Sensei."
Makoto starts to turn around... but pauses. "Wait... one more thing- before I get out of your hair-"
"Don't word it like that," Nagisa insists. "I just told you. I'm always happy to talk to you. What is it?"
"You said this sort of stuff could be ugly. And - uh - you seemed to be speaking from experience. So I just gotta ask- that's not how you resolved it back then, is it? Just… talking it out? All nice and polite?"
Nagisa scoffs, shaking his head. "Of course not," he exclaims. "God forbid - we beat the shit out of each other in the woods. But please don't follow my lead on that one. As well as that can work out for more minor arguments like whether or not to kill your teacher, it didn't really help with Karma and I's interpersonal issues. We thought it had been an end-all solution at the time, but ultimately we ended up getting most of our issues worked out face to face in high school and college."
"So… uh. Just take it from the adult. Don't do what we did. We were some damn stupid kids."
"Noted," Makoto says with a laugh. "I'll try not to get into any brawls! No promises, though. Seems like you guys had some fun."
"Well… I dunno about that," Nagisa says, waving his hand back and forth. "But I did learn Kanzaki could annihilate up to three of my classmates at a moment's notice, so it wasn't a total loss."
Makoto snorts. Despite his sense of awkward sadness, a spark of mischief returns to his eyes. Nagisa lets out a sigh of relief, before pointedly holding a finger up.
"Again! Though!" he reiterates. "Seriously! No hand to hand combat! I'll put you both in damn detention. We had blast-proof combat armor back then. You kids don't. If one of you ended up breaking some bones, I don't know what I'd do."
"Don't worry," Makoto says. "I'm just razzin' ya'. I wouldn't do that. I've put you through enough stress as is."
And before Nagisa can even refute it, he's whipped around. He hurries to return to his desk, waving a hand over the back of his shoulder.
"Thanks for the advice, Nagisa! I'll make sure to keep it in mind! And I'll remember! No fights!"
"That's good!" Nagisa shouts back, cupping his mouth with his hands. Admittedly he'd have liked to talk to Makoto more, but he's not going to test his luck. Besides… the rest of the class is beginning to show up by now. Something tells him Makoto doesn't want to draw any attention to himself. As such, for now, he'll let Makoto retreat… and simply remind himself of all he can do:
Be here for Makoto as much as he can in the upcoming days.
...Because something tells him a storm is about to hit.
Kayano's surprised Fumiko takes her up on the offer when she asks her out to lunch.
According to Nagisa, Fumiko's been reclusive as of late… asked to have her seat moved away from her friends, and stopped showing up to their house pretty much entirely. She's seemed quiet… defensive… and when he manages to get her to talk, he's met with brief, crabby responses. She's closing off again, and neither of them know why.
"...I wonder if she's fighting with Makoto," Nagisa had mused. "Yesterday he approached me and asked me what I did when I used to fight with my friends. He'd refused to name any names, but who else could it be? Kiyoshi is the least confrontational person I know. It's gotta be her."
"But what would they even have to fight over?" Karma'd replied, dangling upside-down off of the couch. "Those two never bicker. They're, like, fucking soulmates.
Now that had made Kayano scoff. He had no idea.
Nevertheless, she'd decided to try and get to the bottom of it. Even if she can't manage to deduce what it is going on between Fumiko and Makoto, she'd at least like to let Fumiko know she's there for her. They're sisters, after all. If Fumiko's going to be willing to talk to anyone, it's her.
And Kayano is more than happy to offer support.
She'd texted her that Friday. Offered up a quick 'Hey. I've noticed you haven't been stopping by the house lately. Is something wrong?"
Fumiko'd texted back 'Of course not,' But that wasn't going to get Kayano to budge.
'Okay,' she'd texted 'That's good to hear. I miss you, though. Wanna hang out sometime? I'm free this afternoon, and I'd love to meet you for lunch.'
It had been a long moment before Fumiko had replied. But finally she'd texted back, saying 'Sure. I've been pretty bored lately. It would be nice to see you.'
'Really?' Kayano'd asked. 'That's great!'
'Really. I wouldn't wanna make you worry. Besides… you're right. It's been a long time since we've hung out. Let's meet up.'
Kayano'd picked her up directly from school that afternoon… meeting with Nagisa in the doorway.
"Have fun, you two!" he'd instructed, honestly just relieved to see Fumiko opening up at all.
("You were always better with her," he'd whispered that morning, a gentle chuckle to his tone. "I'm glad you managed to get her to agree. She really trusts you, you know."
Kayano had nodded, whispering back, "Oh, I know." )
Fumiko had insisted they get away from the campus quickly. She'd pegged it up to simply being hungry - wanting to get on her way- but something tells Kayano it had been a little more than that. She hadn't even gotten time to greet Makoto, and Kiyoshi had still been jarringly M.I.A.
Either way, they'd wasted no time. They'd scurried off to a local restaurant - deciding to go for something more casual this time. Fumiko's had a lot of high-end food, but she experiences a certain delight trying 'normal people stuff,' and Kayano almost swears she catches a smile creeping up her face as she picks away at her ramen.
Just as quickly, however, her smile fades. She seems to note Kayano staring at her... shuffling awkwardly and placing her hands in her pockets, before returning to a nervous, dour expression.
...She looks like she hasn't slept in a week.
There are bags penciled in under her eyes... and an awkward sort of tension to the way she gnaws on her lip. Her hands never once stop moving, and as she reaches up to scratch at her collarbone, Kayano notes she's missing the scarf that's been her trademark all year.
...She wonders what had happened.
She doesn't breach the topic immediately. That's only rude. She asks Fumiko how her day was. Did Nagisa teach any fun lessons? She'd love to hear how it went.
Fumiko gives her halfhearted, closed-off responses.
"School was fine," she says, turning her noodles with an absentminded boredness. "...We're learning about exponents. That, and some grammar in Language. It's nothing particularly interesting."
More than closed-off, however, her answers are quiet. She speaks... voice a murmur, like she used to months ago... like she'd spoke before she'd known she could trust people... and like she spoke before she felt safe with their family. She avoids eye contact… crosses one leg over the other, and takes a shaky gulp.
...Somehow she looks so much older.
There'd been this sort of girlish charm to Fumiko up until this point. Of course she'd always been cynical… thorny and slow to trust, but she'd always looked like a child. Meeting Fumiko's blank, passionless eyes from across the table, however, Kayano can't help but note her current expression much more resembles that of Aguri's… or at least what it had become later on.
An expression that says, 'I'm afraid.'
"Well… even if it's boring, I'm sure it's important work," Kayano says. "If you ever need tutoring... I'm happy to help. I know it's more of Nagisa's job, but you did tutor me a ton as a kid. I figure it's the least I could do to repay you."
Fumiko lazily shrugs.
"That could be nice," she admits. "Though I'm not particularly falling behind right now."
"Well… that's good," Kayano responds. "You've improved a lot over the course of the year, you know."
"Mmm," Fumiko responds. "I know."
...Her tone seems to imply she doesn't believe it very much.
Kayano scratches at the back of her neck, running her nails across the decade-old burns. She swears she feels a slight stinging sensation, but is well aware it's nothing more than her imagination. Her scars healed a long, long time ago.
"Are you finished with tutoring?" she poses awkwardly, still tracing her burns. "I noticed you stopped coming over. It's great if you don't need academic help anymore, but what about your parents? You haven't canceled their arrangement with Nagisa, have you? I mean… I thought you were trying to-"
"I haven't," Fumiko interjects, shaking her head. "I'm still technically under Shiota-sensei's tutelage. It's just… well…" she pauses. "Things have been weird lately."
Kayano's quiet, taking a bite of ramen. She notes it's saltier than she usually likes it. But she's not going to send it back in now. Whatever. She'll cope.
"...Do you want to talk about it?"
Fumiko gives another shrug. "...Not really," she admits. "I'd hate to stress you out."
"Fumiko…" Kayano replies, shaking her head. "Don't say that. You could never. At least let me know where you've been hanging out. If you're not coming to our place, and you're not going home… what are you doing on tutoring days? Are you somewhere safe, at least?"
"I'm safe," Fumiko reassures. "I just hang out by the school, mostly. I wait until it's time to go home, then I pack up my stuff and leave. Don't worry about me. I'm not participating in any unruly activities. I just… sit by myself and wait."
Kayano's quiet for a long moment… mouth opening, then closing. She stares at Fumiko with a troubled expression.
"...Do you not feel safe at our house, Fumiko?"
"It's not li- it's not anything you did."
"No. Seriously. If Karma or Gakushuu did anything to scare you or make you uncomfortable… if they picked on you an ounce, then you just let me know. I will set them damn strai-"
"It's not them either."
There's a genuine strain to Fumiko's voice. She clutches at the table... shaking her head.
"...They didn't do anything. None of you did. Akabane-san… Asano-san… Shiota-sensei… all of you have treated me like true family. Please don't doubt that. I appreciate what you've done for me more than almost anything. What's… what's become of me is something beyond your control."
"What's - what's become of you?" Kayano asks, shaking her head. "No matter what the reason is, it's unacceptable for you to feel unsafe in our home. You're one of us, Fumiko. And we're worried about you. Whatever the reason is… you know you can tell us."
"I'm well aware," Fumiko admits. "But I suppose I'm just afraid you…-" she pauses. "I suppose I'm just afraid you won't take my side."
Kayano's quiet for another long moment. She brushes a strand of hair out of her face... lingering on the touch of her own skin.
"Did something happen between the three of you?" she asks, her voice quiet this time. "Makoto? Kiyoshi?"
"It doesn't matter," Fumiko responds. "Trust me when I say it's all nonsense. And that… and that it's stuff you shouldn't have to think about. Not as my baby sister."
"...I'm not such a baby anymore," Kayano says. "Whatever it is you're going through - if one of them is being mean to you - then you just let me know. I will stand up for you no matter wha-"
"Even if your Sensei will hate you? Even if you've known Kiyoshi for thirteen years?"
Fumiko's question lingers for a long moment.
Kayano opens her mouth to respond, but Fumiko beats her to it. She turns slightly, scratching at the back of her wrist.
"I'm well aware I'm not the only important thing in your life. You've only known me a year, and I'm nothing like I used to be. I don't want you to make promises like that for a person you hardly know."
"... Fumiko-" Kayano insists. "I do know you. And you're not that different... really! I know you're still a kind, sensitive soul, and I know you need someone standing up for you. Besides… all this stuff about having to 'take a stand against Kiyoshi,' or worry about 'Sensei hating me...' You know those things wouldn't happen. You know they'd never want you to feel alone…-"
"Wouldn't they, though?" Fumiko snaps. "...Trust me when I say they've already made me feel that way plenty."
Kayano's breath hitches. Her eyes narrow into tiny slits, and she feels anger rise in her chest as she speaks.
"How!? What are they doing to you? If they are doing anything to make you feel like a bad person, then you just let me know. Because I don't care if they're my sensei. I don't care if they're a family friend - it's my job to stand up for you. I'm not going to screw this up again, Aguri."
She doesn't even realize how tense her has tone become until she sees Fumiko freeze up. She shakes her head slightly... shoulders lowering as she looks at Kayano.
"I… know," she says. "It's… just - gah. It's complicated. I'm not trying to make it seem like I don't believe in y- it's not some fault of yours. It's… it's me, I think. Or… them. I don't know. But I can't just - I can't just say it to you. It's this fucked up thing - more than you could possibly even imagine, and I know if I tell you it will destroy you inside. You have this - you have these preconceived notions about these people - who they are, and trust me when I say none of it is true. I'm not - I'm not putting that on you."
"And so you're facing it alone?" Kayano poses, twirling her fork. "Trust me when I say I'm speaking from experience: that doesn't work. You need to rely on your friends."
"I don't have friends," Fumiko replies.
"I'm your friend, aren't I?"
That gives Fumiko pause. She's quiet for a long moment, before nodding.
"You are," she admits.
"Then you can talk to me."
"I'm not ready to."
"Okay, then."
"Again: it's not - it's not you. It's not like you're not good enough."
"I know, Fumiko."
"It's - there's just something wrong with me in the head... and I'm bitter and I'm cruel and it is so hard to trust people right now. That's why I- it just feels weird to - gah."
Kayano's quiet. "Take your time."
"...Can you make me a promise instead? Instead of… like… talking? I still think it would help me. Maybe more than talking can."
"Of course," Kayano says. "Anything."
"Promise me that… that you're not gonna go. That you're not gonna get sick of me. That you're not going to accept me as this person - your sister - show me… show me what having a family is like, only to take that away. Because I said the wrong thing or had the wrong opinion and suddenly that means that thing we had didn't matter. That… that all we went through back then was for nothing. Because then we only have now, and I-... I'm not happy now. I'm not. I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose you."
Her voice cracks and that irritable, distant facade falls apart at the seams. She still doesn't cry... simply sits there with a quivering lip and stares at the linoleum floor… but somehow that last piece of the tough act only makes the emotion behind her words all the more heartbreaking.
"...I don't know what I'm going to do if you choose something else over me, too."
She says she's making a plea, but seems to have no faith in receiving an honest answer. She's resigned herself to her fate… and she's already given up on being someone's 'most important thing' a long, long time ago.
Kayano slides out of her seat. She pushes her ramen to the side and makes her way over to Fumiko... sits down carefully next to her and places a steady hand on her shoulder.
"I won't," she says. " I won't. I don't know what you're going through, Fumiko. And as such, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. But there's one thing I know for certain, and it's that I am never going to abandon you. What we went through… it'll always mean something to me. You made me into the person I am today, and I am never going to give up on you just because it's 'inconvenient,' or 'difficult' or 'different!'"
There are so many promises she can't make. She can't say she'll always take Fumiko's side. And she can't say she's just going to give up on Makoto and Kiyoshi just because they got in some serious fight! It's her job as Nagisa's wife to display more consideration than that! To treasure his students as her own! But god forbid she tell that to Fumiko right now! That's not what she needs to hear! She needs to hear 'I'm here for you,' and that is a promise she's certain she can keep.
"I'm not going anywhere. As long as you need me, I'll be right here."
"Okay," Fumiko relents. There's an emptiness to her tone, as if she doesn't fully believe Kayano. But all the same, she doesn't motion to pull away. She leans in for a hug… clinging to Kayano's shoulders, and burying her face in her chest.
...She still doesn't cry.
They're quiet for a long, long moment. But Fumiko doesn't move to break the hug, and so neither does Kayano. She sits there, quietly running her fingers through her hair, and praying she's doing something - anything to ease that heartbreak.
"Can I ask you another question?" Fumiko finally asks, her voice almost dry. "About back then?" She pauses. "It's important to me."
"Go right ahead."
"...You might think it's offensive."
"That's okay too."
Fumiko's quiet for another long moment.
"Do you… do you think Aguri was stupid?"
Now that catches Kayano by surprise. She stiffens slightly, her nails digging into Fumiko's shirt.
Fumiko's voice falters. "I told you you wouldn't like i-"
"No! No!" Kayano quickly insists. "I'm just… curious… as to why you would ever think that."
Fumiko takes a second to mull it over. She pulls away slightly, retreating from Kayano's now tense embrace.
"...The way I treated people," she finally admits. "I'm starting to think… it was stupid." She scratches at her shoulder before sending a dejected glare towards the table. "Like… really stupid."
Kayano's brow furrows. She attempts to scoot further into the booth.
"Now that's not true…" she says. "You were… you were wonderful to people. I know it's easy to be hard on yourself- to look back on your mistakes...- but there's no need for you to do that! You were easily the kindest person I ever me-"
"Exactly."
Fumiko's response is curt… fed-up. She doesn't look Kayano's way.
"I think maybe… I was too kind."
...
"Oh."
Kayano doesn't have much of a response.
"I know that sounds selfish to say. And…- and it is! But it's true, isn't it? I was - there was something seriously wrong with me. I was obsessed with other people. I'd give them chance after chance after chance to redeem themselves and they'd just keep taking advantage of me. I was so certain it meant something - that I was in the right! That I was changing the world! But now I just look back on the way I acted and I think 'You're out of your mind.' 'You're going to get hurt.' 'I don't know what you're doing this for."
"Do you know how much that stings? To look back on these things you used to hold so near and dear to your heart and just not - just not care anymore? To look back on yourself and think 'I don't know this person?' 'Everything you did with your life: it's worthless?' 'You suffered for nothing, and you didn't fix anything?"
"I-" Kayano shuffles, eyes wide. "Of course I don't, Aguri. I have no idea what you're going through! But I want to. And I don't - I don't think what you did was pointless at all."
"I was naive-"
"And I'm not denying that," Kayano replies. "But you… you put some good in the world."
(She won't- she refuses to believe anything else! What Aguri fought for- even if it was flawed-! It was in no way worthless!)
"Like what?" Fumiko snaps.
"...You raised me."
Fumiko's eyes widen.
"That's - that's different, okay?" She insists. "That wasn't - that wasn't blind optimism. That was my duty as - I was your sister! Of course I had to take care of you!"
"That doesn't mean it was any easier on you! You were just a kid!"
Fumiko doesn't respond.
"Reaper, then," Kayano says.
"...Reaper?"
"Yeah," Kayano says. "Reaper. What about him?"
Fumiko glowers, but still doesn't speak.
"You changed his life, didn't you?" Kayano continues. "You took this- this washed-up, terrible person, and you taught him what it was like to care about people. Not through some grand gesture, but through simply being yourself. That's a feat, isn't it? He saw you… the way you lived your life… and he decided 'this is exactly the sort of person I want to be.' You did that… to a murderer. To this person everyone thought unsalvageable. You didn't just change his life. You changed him."
She places a hand on Fumiko's shoulder. "...Are you telling me you're not at least a little bit proud of that?"
Fumiko's eyes water. She brings one knee up onto the seat, wrapping her arm around it. "I mean- I want to be!" she says. "But I'm not - I'm not even really so certain of that anymore. Did I change him, Akari? Did I? Really? Up until the end I thought we were these best friends - these soulmates. But he got me killed!"
"...He didn't set up that tentacle mine, Fumiko."
"I know! But so what!? He still - I told him Yanagisawa was going to kill him because I cared about him, and you know what he did? He destroyed the entire lab… with all these people inside. With me inside, too! As I told him to stop- wait up - reconsider… that I needed him, and I was sure there was a way to work through this together, he let everything go up in flames. Went right back to the person he'd been before this had all begun."
"Standing there… watching him… this thing he'd become, I remember thinking 'he's going to kill everyone.' Not just the people at the lab - everyone. I knew that he'd go out there and he'd take the rest of the world down with him. Because he was going to die, and that meant everyone else needed to, too. He was going to kill my friends - my family - my students - my baby sister."
"At the time I told myself 'I can't bear to see this person I love turn back into that.' That's what I thought, stepping forward. 'He's never going to be happy again.' 'He was so close to becoming something better than this. 'This can't be his ending. It can't.'"
"But looking back on it… I wonder if I also stepped forward because I knew it was the only way to salvage everything else. To maybe get through to that psychopath and save the world that never once gave a damn about me."
She's quivering as she speaks.
"When I was dying… he looked at me with this heartbreak in his eyes. And I finally knew he loved me. That this had all been worth it. I'd changed him. And so who cared if I disappeared? At least I'd done something with my worthless life. But now I just think back to that moment… and how happy I was… and I think 'why couldn't he have cared about me before I was already gone?'"
"Aguri…" Fumiko says. "I'm sure- I'm sure he did. He just expressed it in his own w- and I'm not saying it's okay! None of what happened to you was okay! But I can promise you he cared about you! He grieved you up until the very end!"
"And so did Yanagisawa, I'm sure," Fumiko snaps. "I'm sure he felt so bad! SOOOOOO depressed! But do people like that really care about losing people like me? Or do they just care about their actions having consequences?"
Kayano shifts slightly.
"...You shouldn't compare Korosensei to him."'
(At least Korosensei had had regrets. She remembers visiting the hospital... grabbing that rat bastard by the collar and begging for some sort of explanation. "Why!? WHY did you do that!?" at the top of her lungs. But up until the very end, he'd looked at her with those defiant, guiltless eyes.)
"Mmm," Fumiko admits, looking uncomfortable. "...Either way, 'm not sure I changed Korosensei very much at all. Maybe he saved you guys… and I'll always be thankful for that. But I think… maybe it wasn't worth dying for. And I think... deep down he's just as selfish, cruel, and sick as he's always been. In fact… I don't think he cares about me one bit."
She says those things about Korosensei… but it's not hard to tell she's actually talking about Makoto. It's glaringly obvious… in the way she bites her lip, and the way her hands hover up by her collarbone, fiddling nervously with where her scarf once sat. She scoots away, eyes still locked on the table.
(Again: Kayano's left to wonder… what the hell is it Makoto even did? To hurt Fumiko this way? To make her react like this? He's not… he's not that sort of person…-
...Is he?)
"Well… I do agree it wasn't worth dying for," she admits, absentmindedly tracing her burns. "Most things aren't. I don't think anyone should ever look back on their death as 'worth it.' That's…- I dunno. That's self-deprecating at best. But I don't think it's fair to say he doesn't care about you, either."
"I know him better than you," Fumiko insists. "Trust me. He doesn't."
'Do you?' Kayano thinks.
Fumiko knew Reaper for a year. And she's known Makoto for a little less. But Kayano… Kayano got the chance to know Korosensei. In fact… he'd saved her life. And more than once, at that.
The second time he'd stitched her up gently... placed her on the ground, and told her she'd been impaled. But that she was okay now. He'd fixed it.
"H-how!?" her classmates had demanded- utterly astonished. "You can't just- what!?"
"Well… about a year ago," Korosensei had mused. "...I made a very fatal mistake. And because of that, I lost someone I loved. But ever since then I've been training… preparing myself to make sure that sort of thing never happens again. To make sure I don't lose a single one of you students. And it seems that's paid off."
He'd chuckled gently. This sad, bittersweet sound.
"You can never go back and change your past. But what you can do is learn from it."
...It's a story Kayano's not willing to repeat. She knows it might help, but Fumiko's in a bad enough mental state as is. She doesn't need to hear about her sister dying in the same way she doesn't need to hear about her sister going on a goddamn crusade over her death. What she needs to hear is some honest advice. And what she needs is to be told how to do what's right.
But is there really a right in situations like this?
"Well… I don't think that's true," she admits. "I think Korosensei loved you up until the very end. And I think Makoto loves you, too."
"You're doing it-" Fumiko grumbles.
"I'm n-"
"You're taking his side."
"I'm not," Kayano reiterates. "I'm not saying - look - clearly something happened between you, and that's not okay. If he hurt your feelings, I'll kick his ass my damn self. But you can still hurt people you love. If Makoto wronged you, then I will always take your side. I never want you to feel alone. But I don't want to hear you say Korosensei didn't love you, either. You put a lot of faith in that…"
"Yeah. Well, I put a lot of faith in a lot of things I don't believe anymore."
...The table falls silent.
Fumiko grunts slightly, gently flopping over to lean on Kayano's side.
"...I'm sorry-" she says.
"Don't be."
"You just sounded so disappointed in me saying that. But I believe it. I really do. More than anything."
"And that's heartbreaking," Kayano replies. "I'm not - I would never be disappointed in you. I'm scared for you, Aguri. You don't deserve to think people you care about don't care about you back. That's the most miserable feeling in the whole wide world. I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong. I'm trying to tell you you're loved."
"...I know."
"You can't doubt everyone. And not for their sake - for yours. Assuming everyone is out to get you… that's miserable. You can't put everyone on the same level as people like your parents- people like Yanagisawa. Some people really do want to change."
Fumiko freezes slightly at the mention of his name. Scooting in closer to Kayano, she shuts her eyes tight.
"It's not my job to help them with that."
"No. It's not," Kayano agrees sternly. "It's not your job to be anyone's savior. You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed to be angry. But you're allowed to believe you're cared about, too. And you're allowed to say 'I believe you really do love me,' but still turn around and go. It's okay to want an apology."
"...And it's okay for an apology to not be enough?"
"Of course. There are some people I know I'd never forgive."
"I guess those two ideas just have trouble lining up in my brain," Fumiko admits. "Like… believing in people and believing in myself, too. I'm scared the moment I'm vulnerable is the moment I'm gonna get hurt."
"...It's a fine line," Kayano admits. "Sometimes you need to let others get hurt to protect yourself. And sometimes you need to get hurt to protect others. But you should never let one or the other get destroyed."
"That's what I did back then, isn't it?" Fumiko asks. "...Destroyed myself?"
(Kayano remembers the way Aguri had faded away. The way bags grew under her eyes and the way exhaustion crept into her laughter. It's sad to say, but Fumiko looks a little bit like that Aguri now.)
"...I don't think it's fair to put it all on yourself," Kayano says. "A lot of people 'destroyed' you. And you just… you didn't know how to ask for help. But things are different now. You can ask for help. At least… I hope you feel like you can."
"I think I can," Fumiko admits. "...I don't know. It's still complicated."
"That's okay," Kayano says. "...These things tend to be."
"Sometimes it just feels like - like I either deserved it, or I brought it on myself-"
"You did not deserve it," Kayano interjects. "If you take nothing else out of this conversation, I want you to know that you did not deserve the way that that man treated you. No-one does. "
"It wasn't just him," Fumiko admits with a shrug. "I mean… he was the worst. But I think I was surrounded by people like that my whole life. Everything that happened with Dad… being employed by Asano-sama... even just how Reaper regarded me in the beginning. When stuff like that happens to you over and over and over again, you start to think you're the issue."
"Or… at the very least, you do when you look back on it, and you know that until the very end you wanted to see the best in people like that."
"There's a… fine line between these sorts of things," Kayano admits. "But… I still don't think that makes you the 'issue.' You can't rely on 'common denominators' when it comes to the topic of people taking advantage of you. That's not your fault.' You were just standing up for what you believed in."
"...And if I don't believe in it anymore?" Fumiko asks, voice small.
"Then that doesn't make you the issue, either," Kayano reassures. "...Besides, I'm not sure I believe that all that much... that you don't believe in that... that you don't believe in people. Maybe you're just finally learning how to stand up for yourself."
"...I'm trying," Fumiko admits, shifting slightly. "But it's hard. It's… really hard."
"I know," Kayano says, placing a hand on her shoulder. "...I know. Like I said… there's a fine line between kindness and naivety. And there's an even finer line between doing what's right for yourself and what feels like 'revenge.' There's no grand distinction. No end-all answer. But… I do believe it's possible to see the very best in people... and still know when it's right to pull away. I believe in you. And I'll be here for you until you feel ready to make that distinction for yourself."
"...Okay," Fumiko says. "...Okay. Just… promise."
"Of course," Kayano replies, carefully running a finger through Fumiko's hair. She pulls her in close and squeezes. "I promise. As long as you need me… and as long as you let me, I'm here. You're going through something I can't quite understand. And it's clear you're still not ready to talk about it. But if nothing else, I'm here. And I hope… we can keep meeting up like this in the future."
"If you don't feel safe at home right now… if you don't want to talk to Makoto or Kiyoshi or anyone else, then just let me know next time you're lonely. I will drop everything to come and spend time with you like this. You don't have to talk about what's bothering you… you don't have to talk about anything at all if you don't want. I just want to make sure you never feel alone."
"And… I don't," Fumiko admits. "At least I think I- no. I don't," she reiterates. "...I know you're here for me, even if no-one else is. Thank you, Akari…-" she tears up- batting gently at her eyes as she speaks. "Thank you."
"No need," Kayano replies. "...It's only the right thing to do. Besides… you're my sister. I don't want to lose you."
"And I…-" Fumiko pauses for a long moment. "...I'm making sure you won't, okay? I know things might be confusing right now… and I know I seem exhausted. But I promise you: you won't. I am never going to let anyone take me away from you ever again... no matter how hard they try."
There's a staunch conviction to her voice. A defensiveness Kayano's still not sure she likes. A tone that seems to say, 'I'm still fighting against anyone - everyone with all I have.' But all the same… there's a truthfulness to it. And Kayano appreciates that. She'll… get to dealing with whatever it is that happened between Fumiko and her friends later. For now… she's just glad Aguri finally feels ready to be here to stay.
"...Okay," Kayano says. "Just remember to let yourself rest every now and then, okay? There's more than one way to fight too hard, you know."
Fumiko's shoulders lower slightly. And in an instant, all that conviction seems to fade from her frame.
"Mmmm…" she admits, scooting away slightly. "...I know. I'm just… doing what I think I have to. But… I'll be careful. For your sake." She prods nervously at her collarbone. "Because you're right. Even if I'm not what destroyed myself last time, I don't want to be the person who does it this time, either."
She must notice Kayano's troubled expression, because she does say "You should probably get back to your food. It has to be getting cold by now. I'm sorry for distracting you."
"Don't be," Kayano replies, shaking her head. "I can always replace my lunch. You, however, I can't."
Fumiko nods firmly as Kayano stands. She makes her way back over to her side of the table and prods carefully at her now-cold ramen.
"Can I ask you one more thing, actually?" she admits. "Before I… shut up about all of this? It's the last thing I'll make you worry about, I swear."
"Go right ahead. And don't worry about worrying me. I'm sure I can handle it."
Fumiko fiddles with her food for a long moment… hesitant. But finally, she speaks up, an uncertainness to her voice.
"...If… my parents ever found out… about my plans… about the person I'm becoming... you'd help me run away, right?"
Kayano freezes. Eyes wide... voice apprehensive she asks,
"Wait. Why are you worrying about that?"
"I-" Fumiko seems to stiffen slightly, arms going down by her side. "It's not - don't get the wrong idea! I don't- I don't think that's actually going to happen. But just - like… theoretically. You'd… protect me, right?"
She frames it as ambivalent… an unimportant rhetorical question. But there's this sense of desperation hidden under the surface of her words that makes Kayano shudder.
"You… you don't have to if you don't want to-" Fumiko insists. "I wouldn't - I wouldn't take it personally! I know you have a persona to keep up. And it'd really damage your reputation if anyone found out you helped a girl like me get away from her esteemed family. But I was just wondering - in case you- in case it ever comes up."
Yes. Yes. Of course the answer is yes! But why on earth is she even considering getting caught as a possibility!? They've taken careful precautions to ensure every step of this process is kept a secret. There's no way it could get out!
...Unless.
"Did Makoto or Kiyoshi threaten to tell on you!?"
Fumiko recoils slightly, but shakes her head just as quickly.
"N- no! Of course not," she insists. "They would neve- it's not like that."
"No. Seriously," Kayano insists. "If they said anything to you - you just let me know. I'm not willing to risk this. I know you care about them. And I know you want to protect them. But if that's the reason you're fighting… then I don't want you to hide it for a moment. I will talk to them. And I will make sure they don't-"
"No! Don't talk to them!" Fumiko yelps, throwing her hands in the air. "Believe me! Or don't! I don't care! But whatever you do, do not talk to them about this!"
There's a sense of sheer desperation to her tone. She scoots in closer, leaning over the table.
"I… they don't- that's not why we're fighting," Fumiko clarifies. "It's… got to do with something else. Something worse, honestly." She scratches at her elbow. "But… they're mad at me. Really mad. And I guess I'm scared that if they get mad enough they'll want revenge on me. After all… they do have the power to destroy my future with a few words."
Kayano sputters. "Have they- have they talked about wanting revenge on you?"
And what could possibly be worse than the possibility of telling her abusive parents she's making plans to break away!?
"Well… no. Not exactly. It's-... complicated," Fumiko admits. "...I know it's possible I'm just overthinking it. But if they really do want to hurt me now… I don't want to give them any ideas. Please don't breathe a word of this to them."
...H… hurt her?
The phrase makes Kayano recoil. No. Surely that can't be a possibility. Makoto… Makoto cares about Fumiko. And Kiyoshi wouldn't hurt a fly. Nevertheless… Fumiko pleads with a sense of desperation. Where she'd seemed indignant - angry throughout most of this conversation… calling Korosensei a monster, and accusing Kayano of being over-eager to take his side, now she just looks scared.
Whether or not Fumiko's actually in danger is still uncertain. Kayano's inclined to doubt. She knows those two just as well as she knows Fumiko, and she knows they'd never wish harm upon her. But all the same… she wonders if that's that over-eagerness taking form now, and feels a sense of unease wash over her.
Either way… one thing is certain.
...At the very least, Fumiko certainly believes she's in danger.
"I won't," Kayano reassures. "I… won't say anything. I'm sorry. I misinterpreted the situation. But I won't let them know about this."
"Don't let… don't let anyone know," Fumiko tacks on. "Not just those two, I mean. Shiota-sensei… Asano-san… Akabane-san. Just as much as I don't want those two to use this against me… I don't want you all to worry. I'm… sure things will be fine. And… I'm sorry for putting this on you at all. I've just been… stressed, lately."
"The answer is yes, for the record," Kayano says. "If it really does come to that, I mean."
Again… her fingers drift up to that spot on her nape.
"Here's to hoping it won't. And… I believe it won't. I'll do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen, Fumiko. But if something happens and you believe your old plan won't work out… or something happens and you believe you're in danger around your parents- around anyone, for that matter - then you can always come to me. I'll shelter you... no matter what. Even if it gets me in a little bit of trouble. Even if it's really hard to bear."
"...I've already failed you once," she says. "I don't intend to do so again."
In an instant, a weight seems to lift from Fumiko's shoulders. She lets out a deep sigh of relief.
"T… thank you," she says. "That's… reassuring. I… hope it won't come to that, either. But just in case it's… nice to know I have someone backing me up."
"Always."
Fumiko smiles slightly. It's an awkward and tired thing. There's still a sense of exhaustion to her eyes, but as she meets Kayano's gaze from across the table, somehow she looks just a little less weary.
"You know," Kayano says. "...Our food's cold by now. That's nothing for a growing girl to eat. Why don't we ditch this place and go somewhere else? Somewhere you can really get a treat?"
"Like where?" Fumiko asks.
"Well… it's hardly proper, but there's an ice cream place a few blocks from here. I figure we could get some soft serves and a pretzel."
"I dunno…" Fumiko muses. "Sounds unhealthy."
"Just this once," Kayano insists. "You've had a long day. Why don't you get your mind off of all that nonsense for just one second and spend a nice afternoon with your sister? You know you need it."
Fumiko's already pushing her plate aside. "That's right," she admits. "It seems I do…"
They pay their tab and head out towards the streets. Grab a frozen treat, and a little something extra at that.
Fumiko seems to loosen up slightly. She laughs at Kayano's jokes, and devours her soft serve before coming back for seconds. She gets a bit of ice cream stuck on her lip, and rolls her eyes when Kayano tells her she looks like a goofball.
...By the end of their little afternoon together she still looks tired. There remains a heaviness to her steps and a certain unease to the way she moves. But as she hugs Kayano at the end of the day… pulls her in close… Kayano feels her relax just slightly, and breathes her own sigh of relief.
Because while she still doesn't know all that's going on in Fumiko's life, much less how to fix it… she catches Fumiko thank her and smile at the end of the day.
It's a start.
...Yeah. It's a start.
Kiyoshi has a weird week.
After his incident he doesn't return to school. He's just not ready yet. He's all sorts of fatigued… and when he thinks about the idea of meeting up with Fumiko again his head starts to spin. His Dad's surprisingly okay with it, however: saying it's for the best he takes some time off for himself. And besides… maybe it'll give them an excuse to hang out a little more. Who knows?
Things are still weird between the two of them. You don't fix a relationship that strained in a single night. But Dad checks on him every morning… and tries to surprise him with homemade brunches. They keep a careful eye on Kiyoshi's healing wounds, and when they receive news about Mom they receive it together. Dad gives him little chores to do around the house… lets him feel helpful, and when they fix up the hole in the wall, somehow it's much less scary than Kiyoshi'd thought it would be.
Dad stays true to his promise. Every night he stands there in Kiyoshi's doorway and notes something he's proud of him for. Some of them are more awkward than others… but it's evident he's trying.
...Besides. 'I'm proud of you,' is all Kiyoshi's ever really wanted to hear.
Things with Makoto are weird in a much less comforting way. Where Kiyoshi and Dad fumble awkwardly - stepping on each other's toes in a desperate attempt to resemble something like a family again - at the very least it's reassuring. The sense of weirdness between him and Makoto, however, lands somewhere much closer to unnerving.
Makoto stops by his house every other day, dropping off his make-up work. He bounces up to Kiyoshi's doorstep and greets him with enthusiasm, asking him how he's feeling today.
"Better… I think," he answers, but the sense of unease in his voice soon betrays the fact that he's hardly sure.
"That's good!" Makoto declares, teetering from foot to foot. "I'm doing pretty awesome too!"
...If Kiyoshi's telling white lies, then he's putting on a whole damn facade.
They don't mention it. What happened with Fumiko. Kiyoshi tries, but Makoto brushes him off every time.
"It's not worth worrying about," he says dismissively, sliding a stack of papers into Kiyoshi's hands. "She'll come around eventually."
"I dunno…" Kiyoshi admits, placing them on a nearby desk. "...She seemed pretty mad."
"She always seems mad. I know her better than you do, and trust me when I say she'll be over this in a week."
"If you say so…"
"I know so. And besides… even if she doesn't, who cares what a person like that thinks about you, anyways?"
He says that nonchalantly. And for a second Kiyoshi almost believes he doesn't care. But then he catches the slightest twitch of Makoto's hand and he sighs.
...Act or not, Korosensei's insecure to be scorned by the person he'd tried to live up to, too.
"How is she?" Kiyoshi asks another day. "Is she getting any better?"
"Pah. Nah," Makoto huffs, rolling his eyes. "She's still giving me the cold shoulder. She won't even hear me out when I try to explain what I-"
"No. Not that. I figured that much," Kiyoshi interjects, holding a hand up."How's she doing? Does she look well? Happy?"
Makoto's nose wrinkles. "Well… no. Of course not. She looks like she hasn't slept in a week."
Kiyoshi sighs. "Dammit."
"I don't get why you care so much," Makoto admits. "It's not like she cares that you haven't been to school in a week. You could've disappeared for all she cares, and she wouldn't even know."
"Doesn't matter," Kiyoshi says. "I - listen. I really don't care what she thinks about me. She has every right to be mad at me."
"She doesn't-"
"She does. And she clearly wants to. I'll let her. That doesn't matter to me," he lies. "But I just hope… I just hope…-"
"Mm?"
"...I just hope I don't end up ruining her life a second time."
He hears more about how she's doing. She's showing up to class later, and she hasn't been to Nagisa's place in a week. She hasn't asked for her scarf back, and Makoto swears to god she's going back to isolating herself from the rest of her classmates, too.
It breaks his heart just to think about it.
He doesn't know what he's supposed to have done. He couldn't have not told her. She's made that much very clear. But in telling her… Kiyoshi's a little scared he might have broken her trust forever.
...Some days he wishes Makoto had taken her side. It'd have broken his heart, but at least she'd have someone. She deserves at least a little support. He thinks about her all alone and rolls over in his bed.
(Maybe he should come back to school, soon. Then he can see it for himself.)
(...No. He's not ready yet)
Dad buys him a new nightlight and checks on him when he swears he hears something in the night. He bundles Kiyoshi in a blanket, and gives him some imitation of a warm smile when he admits, "You look unwell."
...Fumiko doesn't have someone like Dad.
Maybe that's why he feels so bad for her. Maybe that's why he wishes Makoto had stood by her. Her parents hate her. Even if Kiyoshi didn't have any friends… at least he'd have this.
Makoto refutes the notion. When Kiyoshi confides it in him one lazy afternoon he shakes his head firmly.
"Dude. I don't want to take her side. Even if she's my friend, I'm not gonna just give up on what I think is right."
All the same, a loneliness rings out in his voice. And Kiyoshi's certain… if they really wanted to, Makoto and Fumiko could have forgotten him with ease: grown up happy together. But each other? Good lord, no.
...They're never going to forget how much this stings...
He doesn't think about her every day… the turmoil she must be going through. In fact, some days are almost something close to good! He's told Mom's making a steady recovery and he cooks dinner with Dad. Taro curls up at the foot of his bed, and when he whistles trots up to snuggle into the crook of his side. He rests well. And when he wakes up to see sunlight filtering in through the window he thinks things might almost be okay.
It's a slow process. He's not sure if he's ever going to be alright. He sincerely doubts he'll ever fix things with Fumiko. He's not even really sure if he can fix things with Makoto. But Dad believes in him, and he has fewer and fewer of those 'temperamental' moments. If anything they're merely replaced by a steady sense of melancholy.
The nightmares don't vanish entirely. They return every so often - forcing him to confront the ghost of what he'd done. He bites his nails down to stubs and observes the dark bags penciled under his eyes.
He's not doing well. That much is obvious.
But at the very least he's alive.
...Yeah. He's alive.
One evening he notes that his dark roots are showing again. He'd hardly noticed it in between everything else - but now that he thinks about it he hasn't dyed his hair in two months, has he? Kayano used to help him do it.
(...It's been two months since he last talked to Kayano.)
He briefly considers asking his dad to help him dye it... but just as soon he decides against it. He doesn't know why, but it feels disingenuous somehow.
(...Maybe he's okay going back to black.)
He wonders if Kayano knows by now. It feels like she should, but if she has… she hasn't said anything. That leaves a weird taste in his mouth. He'd sincerely expected Fumiko to tell her before anyone else. But the more days that pass without his father receiving some sort of unfortunate call, the more he becomes certain she hasn't told anyone at all.
...Why?
Could it be? That she still cares about how he fee-?
No. There's no use in getting his hopes up. He's sure she has her reasons. And he owes more to her than to psychoanalyze her for it.
He just… hopes it won't hurt too much when the truth inevitably does come out.
He… thinks his dad will be there for him no matter what. Mom, too. If anything, they probably won't believe it. But the rest of the E-Class? Hoo boy. They'll react like Fumiko did. They're not blind optimists like Makoto is. And they've been seriously hurt by him to boot. Nagisa will probably expel him. Hara and Yada will stop sending him sweet birthday messages every year. Karma will beat him up for sure.
...Blegh.
He is so screwed.
'But at least Dad loves you,' he reminds himself. 'He said he'll be there for you no matter what. At least you have that. At least you have that.'
...Some people don't.
Mom is starting to get better. They're planning to wake her up tomorrow. Kiyoshi's nervous and relieved all at once. He can't wait to see her again… Dad says they should probably be able to video call her, but all the same, he wonders how she's going to take this.
She just - like… nearly died. He'll be stunned if she doesn't come out of this with at least a few issues. Is she going to be scared about what happened to her body, or is she just going to be relieved to be alive at all?
He supposes there's no knowing for certain until she's awake. Either way, it'll be a while before he can see her in person. She still has a lot of recovering to do, and they haven't flown her out of Ukraine yet. Until then they'll have to rely on video calls. That, and a lot of texting.
('I'll make sure to give her support,' he notes. 'She probably needs it.' And who knows? Maybe she can give him some much-needed support too right now.)
...He wonders how she'd react if he told her that he thought this entire incident was his fault for a little bit.
She'd probably grab his cheek and call him a dumbass. 'What do you have to do with any of this? You're not powerful enough to take out your mom, are you? Last I'd checked you were still 4'9!'
He smiles slightly. It reassures him to think about. He can't wait to hear her voice again.
He's thinking about that and everything else on a Sunday afternoon. Dad asked him to run some errands, if only to give him an excuse to get out of the house, and Kiyoshi had gladly obliged. He'd run out to grab groceries and pick up some supplies. He's on the way back home thinking about Mom, about his friend group, and about everything else when he realizes something's out of the ordinary. At first he doesn't quite pick up on it, but when he does he skids to a fucking halt.
...He's walked past his house.
His face flushes red. He'd known he was absentminded, but this is a new low! He looks at his surroundings, desperately trying to calculate just how far off the mark he is when he spots it…: a mansion just over the hill. And a familiar one, at that.
Fumiko's place.
Shit! He'd known it was close-! They walk the same route home from school. But he hadn't meant to - he should not be here right now! He starts to whirl around, only to grind to a halt for a second time as he catches sight of something purple.
...Fumiko's out there. On the lawn.
She hasn't noticed him yet... thank god. If she did he thinks he'd have a goddamn heart attack. Instead, she sits with her back turned to him, staring out at the lake that overlooks her property. She reaches out for a rock that sits nearby, before tossing it with a frustrated grunt and watching it skip across the lake.
Even from a distance it's easy to tell she's disheveled. She sits with shoulders low, and Kiyoshi remembers the way Makoto had described her…: like she hadn't slept in a week. He wonders what she's thinking about right now. He wonders if she's thinking about him.
He knows he should go. It's not fair for him to sit in on this moment, and if she catches him he's dead. But all the same… he looks at her sitting there… seeming so small, and he feels his heart catch in his throat.
...He did this to her.
Before he even knows what he's doing he takes a step forward. He has to. He thinks about how his mind hasn't gotten off of it once all week and he feels sick. He stares at her shivering in the February wind and knows she probably doesn't feel too dissimilar. He thinks back to that night at his house… how she'd cried alone in the hallway… and he thinks about just how much she looks like that Fumiko now.
He knows she doesn't want to see him. And he won't force her to talk if she doesn't want to. But she's had a week to cool down. To think... to wonder 'why?' 'how could this happen to me?' And he feels like… he owes her some answers. He owes her some closure about what happened. Because if they really leave that as their last conversation, something tells him they'll never stop thinking about it for the rest of their goddamn lives.
...He wants to do this right this time. He wants to ease her pain, even just a little.
He doesn't know how this will end. For all he cares he might end up getting socked in the face again. But if he can just manage to say something other than that empty 'sorry…' say 'I think you're the one in the right,' then maybe… maybe…
Maybe he can ease some of the uncertainty Fumiko is facing. And that alone would make this all worth it.
He reaches for his phone… opens his texts with his dad, and stares at the screen for a long moment.
[2/17/2031 5:11 PM:] [Kiyoshi] Hey.
[2/17/2031 5:11 PM:] [Kiyoshi] I might be a little late getting home today.
[2/17/2031 5:12 PM:] [Kiyoshi] But I'm okay. Please don't worry about me.
[2/17/2031 5:12 PM:] [Kiyoshi] Something just came up and I need to take care of it or I'll never forgive myself.
[2/17/2031 5:12 PM:] [Kiyoshi] I'm safe, though. I promise.
[2/17/2031 5:12 PM:] [Kiyoshi] And I'll text you when I'm on my way home.
[2/17/2031 5:13 PM:] [Kiyoshi] Might need a hug when I get there.
[2/17/2031 5:13 PM:] [Kiyoshi] Thanks. Love you.
[2/17/2031 5:13 PM:] [Kiyoshi] And please... give me the courage to be brave.
With that… he pockets his phone. He considers putting his groceries to the side, then decides against it. He takes a deep breath… steels himself as much as he can… and then Kiyoshi does the only thing he can think to possibly do.
...Step forward.