Octavia and I rode in silence for several hours through the dense forest as I tried not to obsess over the new information. I had never considered an alliance with the grounders to be possible and I had to admit that I was impressed with Clarke for accomplishing such a feat. Octavia's words turned over in my mind as I attempted to match her assertions that the grounders had a better way of living to the ruthless tactics that I had witnessed from them and had difficulty imagining how we could possibly live in any semblance of harmony. I was amazed by the difference in Octavia and from what I had seen so far, she had only improved but I was unsure if I could be as adaptable. As Bellamy had said, I wasn't good at following rules and I leaned heavily toward following my heart over my head.
As we explored the wilderness, I lost track of time and eventually the sun started to lower in the sky. Octavia led us to an area that she had clearly frequented before and assisted me from the horse. I almost fell as my weak legs met the ground and she noticed that I strained to keep my knees from buckling beneath me. She fixed me with a concerned look but refrained from commenting on it as I shook the mistake off. I was shocked by the suffocating exhaustion that I felt and settled onto a nearby log as Octavia busied herself with building a fire. After a brief rest, I dragged myself up to assist in setting up sleeping arrangements and prepared the space for the night. We sat side by side at the fire as the last of the sunlight sunk below the horizon and ate our rations in a comfortable silence under the wonderful colours of the sunset.
"So, what's your hurry to get away?" Octavia's sudden voice cut through the relaxed atmosphere and I flinched at her continued prying. "You don't look like you're fully ready for this and I'd have expected you to be glued to my brothers side right now." She spoke in the distant tone that had become normal for her and I continued to be surprised by the bluntness of her words. I sighed thoughtfully before I could form an explanation.
"I need to feel useful, I can't just sit in camp whilst everyone treats me like an invalid." I drawled and she shrugged in understanding. Although this was part of my reasoning, I knew that I hadn't been entirely honest with her and forced myself to share the root of the problem. "Don't get me wrong, I could easily have stayed with Bellamy. But it's probably best for him to realise straight away that I'm not just going to hide out in camp after all of this. He needs to get used to me being out of his sight." I divulged and Octavia chuckled under her breath.
"Good luck with that." She scoffed and I raised a bow at her inquisitively. "I've been trying to do that for years. He's overprotective, it's just who he is. If my tracking skills weren't sharp enough to know better, I'd expect to find him following us." She commented and I snorted in laughter at this idea. "Get some rest, we've got a lot more riding tomorrow." She advised with a gentle nudge.
I spent the night tossing and turning on the cold, hard ground. I'd already become used to the soft bed of Bellamy's quarters and without the comfort of his arms around me I couldn't settle. My mind was filled with terrible images of the numerous people that I'd killed in Mount Weather and I was haunted with the overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I kept recalling the times that I'd been drugged, or captured and how I'd barely managed to fight for my life. The fact that my survival has seemed to hang so close in the balance made me feel weak and I bolted upright with a gasp.
It was unexpected to find that daylight was already breaking and that our supplies were packed to leave. I scanned the area to notice Octavia crouched by the fire sharpening her knife and the moment that she met my eyes, she efficiently stowed the knife in her belt and stood to hold a hand out to me. I allowed her to assist me to my feet and she inspected me with a hint of concern.
"I was about to wake you anyway, you were yelling in your sleep." She explained in a tone that was prying as she raised a brow at me. I shuffled awkwardly on the spot and when it was clear that I had no intention of discussing it, she sighed. "We should move." She instructed in her usual removed attitude and I nodded obediently.
We spent another couple of hours on horseback and the sights of the forest became less impressive in my tired state. I felt my waist beginning to ache from the strain of holding myself in the correct posture and my body was clearly demonstrating that the decision to make this journey had been unwise. I couldn't help wondering how much longer this would take and found myself praying for the strength to make it back home. We slowed to a casual trot and I was glad of the reprieve from the bouncing motions of galloping.
Octavia scanned the treeline suspiciously and just as I opened my mouth to question her, an arrow tore past me, barely missing my chest. I gasped and jolted backwards, causing the horse to throw me off. My back slammed onto the ground and I wheezed in shock as the impact knocked the wind from me. Octavia leapt from her horse and gripped my arm to gracelessly drag me into the trees. She dropped me against a tree trunk and although I leaned forward in an attempt to get up, I winced at a jolt of pain from my wound. Octavia drew her swords with a menacing expression and strode out to meet the small group that surged towards us with confident smiles.
She fell smoothly into a skid on her knees as she swiped the first two before leaping up behind them to finish them off. My mouth dropped open in shock at her finesse as she flowed around the confused group and eliminated them without even seeming to break a sweat. I felt my stomach flip as I noticed another small posse of attackers creeping up behind her and as I lurched forward onto my hands and knees with a cry of pain, I caught the sound of heavy footsteps. Barely moments later the familiar large statue of Lincoln burst through the trees to bulldoze the men sneaking up on Octavia. She turned and rolled over his back in a swift manoeuvre that looked like it came straight from an action movie and I struggled to comprehend exactly what I was seeing as they obliterated what remained of the enemies. Whilst Lincoln stalked the area to check for any stragglers, Octavia rushed over to my side and helped me to lean back against the tree.
"I knew it was too soon for you to be out here." She scolded as she sharply pulled up my tops to inspect my wound.
"I'm fine, I just didn't plan to be fighting for my life this soon." I breathed with a light smile and her face softened once she had satisfied that I hadn't done any damage. "Let's just not mention this to Bellamy, I'll never see the outside of camp again." I suggested and I noticed a sly smile on her face as she caught my eyes.
"Deal, I don't need a lecture either." She smirked and I was immediately relieved that she'd been understanding. "There shouldn't have been any fighting, what was that Lincoln?" Octavia commented over her shoulder as Lincoln's hulking form approached.
"Ice nation. The commander is having issues bringing them into line after she allied with your people." Lincoln explained and I noticed that her expression turned cold at his statement.
"Why? I thought it would be clear that the alliance is over after she left my people to die." She growled with a bitterness that surprised me and my confusion was evident in my expression as I awaited an explanation. From my somewhat limited memory, it seemed that the grounders had played some role in our rescue and I was unsure how much of what I remembered was correct.
"That's as much as I could find out from the outside." Lincoln confirmed in the controlled tone that always left me slightly mystified as to his meaning. Octavia signed with frustration as she considered me and I could tell that she was struggling to decide how to explain herself.
"The reason it took so long to rescue you all from the mountain, and why they had to resort to the radiation, is that Lexa made a deal with Cage to release all of the grounder captives in exchange for allowing him to keep you. She stood down her army and left only our forces behind, and even most of those gave up." She recounted with a frustration evident in her body and I shook my head with a sigh.
"It's a shitty thing to do but...I can see why she did it. I don't know if I could've turned that offer down for my people." I admitted and Octavia's eyes widened in shock. "It explains what Bellamy mentioned about the plan going wrong at every step too." I added thoughtfully.
"I refused to leave with Indra when the grounders retreated, that's why I'm not her second anymore. Lincoln refused too. He actually escaped the grounders to help you all and now there's a kill order on him for abandoning his unit." She spoke bitterly and I shuffled in regret as I viewed the hurt in her face that she tried to cover. "No matter where our hearts are, neither of us can go back to Trikru." She muttered and I furrowed my brows at her as she avoided my gaze.
"I'm sorry that rescuing us had such a high cost for you." I whispered as I fiddled with my hands anxiously. It was already obvious to me how important her place with the grounders had become for her and I hated the thought that we had destroyed the one place that she felt like she belonged. She reached out to grip one of my hands and my gaze shot back up to her as she leaned into my space.
"It was worth it. I'd have given up whatever it took to save you." She admitted with a squeeze of my hand and I smiled gratefully at her. She assisted me back to my feet whilst Lincoln busied himself with calming the horses.
"What was all of that anyway?" I asked as we fell into step together and she peeked at me in confusion. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. That. The crazy ninja shit you just did." I revealed with a limited impersonation and I noticed a hint of amusement cut through her controlled expression.
"I already told you. I spent time with the grounders and trained with Indra." She excused as she glanced away awkwardly and I scoffed at her poor explanation.
"Right, okay. Sorry I missed the part where you told me you'd become fucking Xena the warrior princess." I drawled, earning a snort of laughter from Octavia that warmed my heart with nostalgia.
"I don't even know what that is, but coming from you I know it's probably some nerd shit. Loser." She teased with a jab to my upper arm and I smiled at her fondly.
I was relieved when we finally reached our destination and completed the collection of medicinal herbs and various other supplies that Octavia stressed were worth the journey. My exhausted body rejoiced when her and Lincoln announced that we could head home and my heart leapt in anticipation of seeing Bellamy again soon. Although it had only been a day that we'd been apart, since the trials of Mount Weather I found that even short periods of separation gave me anxiety and I struggled not to concede to my newly clingy desires. Whatever was between us was still new and from what I'd seen of Bellamy's romantic life so far, he didn't seem to like to be crowded. I'd always considered myself an independent person anyway and I refused to allow my trauma to change that.
Although I enjoyed witnessing the way that Octavia's eyes sparkled with delight around Lincoln, it only worsened my desire to hurry home when we made camp for the night and they snuggled up together to sleep. Despite the exhaustion that had been constantly hanging over me since I left camp, I struggled to drift to sleep and mostly stared up at the stars as I reflected on all of the information that I'd received in the last 24 hours. I could hardly process all of the events that had occurred in camp and the difference in people was starting to make sense.
I must have eventually fallen asleep as I recounted every time that I'd been helpless since my arrival on Earth. I relived every fight that I'd barely survived, all of the people I'd been unable to overpower and the countless beatings that I'd endured. my heart hammered as I jolted awake and I was relieved to find Octavia stirring from sleep too. I occupied myself with packing up the contents of camp as she had done yesterday and by the time that the lovebirds were prepared to leave, I was reaching a desperation that was difficult to conceal. Octavia wandered over to the horses with a yawn and scanned me with an analytical expression.
"We'd better get you back before Bel completely loses his mind." She commented with a hint of amusement and I tried to force a laugh to avoid her scrutiny. She kissed Lincoln goodbye and we mounted the horses in a comfortable silence. I felt a wave of relief the moment that we set off towards camp and looked forward to not being on horseback for a while. "Lincoln is careful not to be seen near Camp Jaha." Octavia divulged and I nodded at her sympathetically. "It's much harder to spend time together now, but we'll manage. I'll figure out a way for us to return to the grounders. I got their approval once, I can do it again." She added with determination and I hummed thoughtfully.
"Do you think…" I blurted before I had fully decided if I wanted to ask this question and cleared my throat awkwardly as she cocked a brow at me with interest. I reflected on the nightmares that I'd been having recently and could still sense the lingering helplessness at the back of my mind. "When you do join the grounders again, do you think Indra would teach me too?" I asked and Octavia's eyes widened in surprise.
"Why would you want that?" She interrogated suspiciously and I instinctively knew that she thought I was trying to check on her, as Bellamy always did. I sighed as I considered how to explain my feelings without revealing more than I felt comfortable discussing.
"I need to be able to fight better, like you. I've almost been killed way too many times now, I can't keep waiting for rescue like a damsel in distress." I detailed and she shrugged in agreement. She glanced out at the trees thoughtfully and I waited patiently for an answer.
"She won't accept you as you are now. You'll have to fight, show that you can endure and, no offence, you're not exactly in the best shape for that right now." She analysed as she returned her view to me and I shrugged in defeat. "Indra will not just teach you to fight though. If you want her to invest time into you, you need to be willing to adapt to her ways. She will expect you to become a grounder, in every sense. I had to learn at least some of the language, I knew how to show respect and I didn't question my orders. Can you do that?" She interrogated with a stare that chilled me to my core. I knew that I couldn't blame her for questioning me, she knew me better than I knew myself and it wasn't in my nature to be obedient.
"I can promise to try." I conceded and although she sighed in a disappointed manner, I spotted a fond smile as she shook her head at me. "It's something that I need, so I'll put in the work. From what you've said of your experiences it sounds like there are parts of it that I'll get along with anyway." I pondered and she nodded in understanding.
"Fine, for now Lincoln and I will start to train you, but I need to see that you are working hard. I won't present the idea to Indra until I'm convinced that you're ready." She detailed firmly and I smiled appreciatively at her.
"That's completely fair, I don't want to humiliate you." I agreed in an even tone and I noticed that her shoulders relaxed slightly at my confirmation that I understood. I had no intention of tarnishing the reputation that she'd fought for and could honestly say that I was willing to commit to this idea.
"And I want this agreement to stay between us too. I don't want Bellamy breathing down my neck about converting you." She ordered in a firm voice that revealed more concern that she intended and I shifted awkwardly under her scrutiny.
"I don't know if I can agree to that Tavi." I muttered as her gaze shot at me in surprise. "I don't feel right about lying to him. He's more understanding than you give him credit for." I presented my case as well as I could whilst feeling that I wanted to disappear into the ground under her disbelieving expression and she scoffed.
"You've got it so bad." She crooned as her playful smirk returned and I felt my cheeks turning pink. I quickly scrambled to think of something I could say to draw the conversation away from my feelings and instead directed her to the difficult logistics of this plan.
"Where would I even say I was going?" I suggested and she shrugged as she conceded. "You said it yourself, he's overprotective. If I keep creeping off somewhere, he's going to figure it out in no time and then he'll be pissed. It's better to just be honest upfront." I calculated and she chuckled lightly as she shook her head at me.
"Fine. But you can convince him, you're good at that." She commented with a smug expression.
The rest of the journey was quiet and slow. I didn't initiate any conversation as I focused on conserving my energy so that I wouldn't suddenly drop off the horse in exhaustion and Octavia seemed content to remain lost in thought. Every part of my body ached and I realised that the lack of care for myself in Mount Weather had taken a toll on me. If I was to be successful in training then I would need to build some muscle, which would require proper meals and ensuring that I slept enough to recover from the exertion. I had forgotten what it was like to have routines and to invest in myself, but now that life had returned to normal I acknowledged that I needed to treat myself with kindness. I knew that Bellamy would be furious with me if he realised how little I'd truly listened to the needs of my body since waking in the new camp. Mentally, I resolved that once this journey was over, I would be less self punishing and would be honest with others about my limits.
I felt a wave of relief wash over me as I recognised the field outside of the gates of our new camp and knew that I would soon be gazing into the comfort of Bellamy's warm, whisky eyes. Octavia glanced at me with a smug smile and I tried to conceal my joy.
"I know this has been tough on you, more than you want to tell me. You made it though, you can still survive out here. I'm glad that I got a chance to show you that." She breathed with an encouraging tone before the twinkle of mischief returned to her eyes. "Nearly back to him, you did well to manage a whole two days apart." She winked teasingly as I glared back.
We approached the gates slowly and I was glad to find that although there were people milling around, there wasn't a crowd to witness our return. I felt myself becoming light headed from the energy that it took to keep myself on the horse as the gates opened to allow us inside. We trotted into the courtyard and I noticed the workers part to allow Bellamy to rush through to greet us. Octavia quickly hopped down as I slowed to a stop and considered whether I had the strength remaining to safely dismount.
"Thank god, you're back." Bellamy breathed in a heavy relief as he pulled Octavia into an embrace that she quickly shook off. I shuffled on the horse as I struggled to twist my legs to the same side ready to hop down and Bellamy jogged over to assist me. Before I could protest, he reached up to place his hands on my hips and supported me to the ground gently. I smiled thankfully at him as he obsessively checked me over and basked in the simple pleasure of the sight of him. "You look tired." He commented as he met my eyes with concern and I forced a smile in response.
"I'm fine. Glad to be home." I stated as I flashed him a meaningful look and he nodded in acknowledgement. I wanted to tell him how tough it had been, how I had realised that I wasn't fully recovered yet but this wasn't the place for that conversation. As my gaze roamed him, I realised that he also appeared to be tired and his hands shook lightly in place on my shoulders. I could tell that my absence had been challenging for him too and I was surprised by his nervous behaviour. "I'm okay Bel." I emphasised, causing the knit in his brow to finally release. He removed his grip on my shoulders and cleared his throat as he stepped out of my space. I glanced around to notice several of the members of camp had stopped to observe our return, including Harper who smiled at us with amusement.
"I know." He remarked as he fidgeted in an effort to seem relaxed. "You need to give your weapons back, they want to keep track of them here. I'll catch up with you at my quarters later." He informed, before he reluctantly strode away. Octavia chuckled at him under her breath and shrugged at me.
"Good luck selling him on you spending more time out of camp." She laughed and took hold of the reins of the horses with a knowledgeable confidence. "I'll take them back to the stable, you look like you could do with a nap." She ordered as she wandered off and I remained rooted to the spot.
I glanced around at the people who busied themselves in the courtyard and found myself desperately searching for something that could distract me from my temptation to collapse into the safety of Bellamy's bed. It was only mid afternoon and I felt that I still needed to make myself useful. I rubbed at my eyes as a yawn escaped my lips and my tired legs moved to lead me towards sleep without awaiting a conscious decision. The journey to his quarters was a blur as I shuffled along in a delirious state and practically fell through the door into the room. I knew that Bellamy was likely to be busy for at least the next few hours and although I'd prefer his soothing presence whilst I slept, I wasted no time in dropping into the bed. I wrapped myself in the covers that fortunately still carried his familiar scent and drifted straight to sleep.
My mind was still plagued with the same chilling nightmares of the past few nights and when I next woke, I didn't feel at all rested. I could tell from the low light in the room that I'd been asleep at least a few hours and although I only felt a slight difference to earlier, I dragged myself back into camp. I followed Bellamy's orders to return my weapons to our armoury, other than the shock baton which I ensured to keep hidden from sight. After a brief conversation with some campers, I discovered that Bellamy was currently instructing guard training and would be required to attend a debriefing afterwards. Instead of sulking over his absence, I busied myself with some simple tasks that would not contradict Abby's orders for light labour only.
It was a struggle to keep my attention on the job as my head grew heavy and it was a continued effort to stay standing. I knew that I needed sleep, a full proper night of sleep but I didn't want to ask for help until there was no other choice. I mentally asserted that I just needed Bellamy to be able to sleep properly and that by tomorrow morning I would be fine. As the daylight faded from the sky I felt my eyes often drifting closed, despite my strain to keep working under the weak lanterns and eventually I had to concede that it was time to quit.
I was disappointed that I hadn't seen Bellamy return yet as I wandered to his quarters and the feeling only intensified when I stepped inside to find him absent. A bitter sigh escaped my lips as I accepted that I couldn't battle to remain awake any longer. It was a struggle to get undressed through the heaviness of my limbs and as I carefully placed my clothing on a chair, leaving me in only my vest and pants, Bellamy entered the room behind me. He broke into a relieved smile at the sight of me and I couldn't deny how pleased I was to see him. He wandered into the space and started to remove the new guard jacket that he wore.
"Hey, I didn't expect to be back this late. Kane kept us hanging on in a briefing." He commented idly as he kicked off his boots and generally made himself comfortable. I watched him through bleary eyes with a pang of desperation as I longed for his comfort and the moment that glanced up at me, his expression changed to concern. "What's wrong?" He queried with a jagged voice and his worried eyes drew from me the emotion that I battled to conceal. I rushed forward to embrace him and threw my arms around his waist as I buried my face in his chest. He jolted in surprise but immediately pulled me into him and rested his cheek on my head. One of his arms wrapped around me whilst the other hand stroked my hair in a soothing manner and I felt a lump rising in my throat.
"I'm just...I'm glad to be back with you." I breathed against him and felt him nod in agreement. I reflected on my promise to myself on the way back from my journey with Octavia to be more honest and involuntarily felt myself gulp as I considered the idea. "I'm so exhausted I can hardly stand." I confessed in a quiet voice and I felt him tense at my words.
"Too spoiled with beds to sleep on the ground any more Love?" He teased, although his tone was too forced to properly cover his alarm. I couldn't bring myself to lie to him and struggled to produce a way to explain my fears without descending into topics that I wasn't ready to discuss yet. When I didn't respond in time, Bellamy pushed me backwards to scrutinise my face but kept his hands protectively on my shoulders. I felt even more incapable of speaking with his gaze burning into me.
"Hard to drop off without you." I whispered as I avoided meeting his eyes. I attempted to pass my reaction off as merely embarrassment but I knew that he sensed my vulnerability.
"Well, that's an easy fix." He stated as he released me from his gasp to quickly undress. He took my hand to lead me to the bed and we climbed in together. Without a moment of hesitation, he guided me into place so that my back was against his chest and wrapped me tightly in his arms. His hair tickled my cheek as he leaned forward to place a lingering kiss there and I felt myself relaxing into him. "Now we can both get some sleep." He muttered in a confession that I was unsure if he intended to make.
I didn't enjoy the idea of Bellamy suffering in any way but it was a strange comfort to discover that he struggled without me. I was unsure why this was still a surprising revelation, and as the budding romance between us was only young, I could hardly believe I was lucky enough to have this time together. It had been a substantial time of convincing myself that he couldn't want the same thing that I did and I wondered how long it would take to undo this belief. I felt myself easily drifting into sleep now that I was in the one place I felt most at home: his arms.
For a while my exhaustion provided a heavy, dreamless sleep as Bellamy's protection warded off any fear, but the memories gradually returned. I found myself strolling through the eerily similar halls of Mount Weather alone. My footsteps echoed through the empty space hauntingly and I moved at an excruciatingly slow pace. There was a sound in the distance that I couldn't quite register and I followed it with a sense of foreboding. The noise led me into a large room lined with the tiny cages that I had once been captive inside and I felt my heartbeat quicken.
As my gaze roamed over the space, the noise grew louder and bought my attention to the centre of the room. There was a single operating table under a blinding light that streamed from the ceiling and I suddenly recognised the horrifying whirr of a drill as it tore through bone. My breaths became shallow and rapid as Harper's screaming filled my mind. I watched Dr Singh torment her with an overpowering feeling of helplessness and although I willed myself to do something, I couldn't move or make a sound. I became aware of the piles of bodies that surrounded me, filling the space between where I stood and the operating table. The familiar faces were frozen in a state of agony and I could hardly catch my breath as I scanned them. Fox, Miller, the other girls who had kept me company, the groups of kids that I'd rescued from guards when looking for Bellamy; all of their lifeless faces stared back at me until my gaze fell on the bloody bodies of Jasper and Monty. The gut wrenching wail that escaped my lips caused a jolt of surprise even to me and I realised that my cheeks were wet from tears.
There was a heavy set of footsteps that caught my attention and I raised my eyes to witness Cage strolling over to the table from out of the darkness at the far end of the room. He lifted Harper's limp body from the surface and threw it to the ground as if she were merely trash. Dr Singh turned to face me and I realised with horror that her white coat was soaked in blood. She held her red hands out to me and her determined eyes made a shiver run down my spine.
"She's the last one." Dr Singh informed with a delighted smile and Cage began to stride toward me with a menacing expression.
He reached me at an impossible speed and although every part of my body struck out at him in desperation, I was no match for his strength. I felt like a rag doll in his grip and was struck with the realisation of how immensely weak my body was. Despite my desperate struggles, he easily dragged me toward the table and I screeched out in despair. As he buckled me into the restraints, I heard my heartbeat hammering in my ears and felt as if I was having a heart attack. Cage unexpectedly wrapped his hands around my throat and my eyes widened in shock as he began to choke me.
"They're all dead Indigo. You couldn't save them." Cage's taunting voice filled my consciousness as I battled for air and could feel myself becoming light headed. "You failed. You're too weak." He growled as I wheezed and felt hot tears roll down my cheeks. The grip on my neck became so ferocious that it lifted me from the table and my shoulders thrashed against the hard surface as he shook me. The room swirled around me and it became impossible to focus as my head swayed. Without warning, my surroundings disappeared as my eyes snapped open and Bellamy's anxious face filled my vision. The dark room around me slowly came into view and I realised that I was still in bed in Bellamy's room.
"It's just a dream Indie, you're safe." Bellamy soothed as his cool grip remained on my shoulders and I finally understood that he had been shaking me. My cheeks were soaked with real tears and I felt a cold sweat covering my entire body. I brought my eyes to him with a lingering feeling of terror and he pulled me into his embrace. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and placed a careful kiss on my forehead. "You were screaming. I couldn't think of a kinder way to wake you, I'm sorry." He mumbled as he wound his fingers through my hair and I felt my rapid heartbeat gradually calming against him. I could still sense the distress of the dream hanging over me and the memory of Harper's screams were refreshed by it. I felt myself trembling in his hold as I recalled the sound and he sighed gently above me. "You...you can talk to me, you know that don't you?" He whispered with a vulnerability in his tone that made my heart ache. I took a deep breath before leaning back so that I could look up into his sympathetic face.
"The things that happened in Mount Weather...I saw some dark shit and it's not easy to just forget." I explained and watched as his brows furrowed together. "Finding you and Octavia alive, it's more than I could ever have asked for. I'm thankful for every second of the life that I have now and although it takes away most of the hurt that was eating away at me, it doesn't remove the things that I saw, or worse, that I did." My voice faded to a shameful whisper by the end and he tilted his head at me in confusion. "I did things to survive, things I never thought I would do. And the strangest part is that I don't regret them, because they led me back to you both. If anything, I blame those sick assholes for forcing my hand." I confessed as I avoided meeting his gaze. He gently lifted my chin to face him and his eyes were filled with emotion as he viewed me.
"Whatever you did, I know that you had to do. They wanted to kill every last one of you. You survived because of your actions, don't feel like you should regret that." He asserted with an intense gaze and I felt a weight lift from my chest as I nodded back. "These nightmares, they're of Mount Weather?" He investigated with reluctance and I hummed quietly in confirmation. "What can I do to help?" He breathed and the genuine tone in his voice made my eyes fill with tears. I considered my words carefully as I analysed the way that I'd felt each time I woke and tried to make sense of the jumbled images of the dreams.
"I need to stop being afraid." I assessed and noticed a thinly veiled anger in his face at this statement. I knew that he was furious that anyone had affected me this much and it only further revealed how much effort he was investing into remaining calm for my comfort. "The only way I can think to do that is to prove to myself that I'm strong enough to protect myself now. I almost died more times than I can count in that Mountain, I barely scraped through those fights and honestly...I didn't exactly take the best care of myself whilst there. I've gotten weak and complacent. I need to know that I can't be captured like that again, I need to be strong." I explained and I noticed a wry smile creep into the corners of his lips.
"I can make you a guard, I'll train you personally." He offered with the slightest hint of mischief which earned an involuntary chuckle under my breath.
"It's a kind offer Bel, but I was thinking of something more extreme." I divulged which caused him to view me with suspicion. "I've seen Tavi practising, I want to be able to fight like her. She's offered to train me with Lincoln's help, but I don't want to go behind your back." I detailed and flinched as he rolled his eyes at me in exasperation.
"Indie, come on." He groaned. "You've said yourself that you feel weak. The grounder method of training is to beat the shit out of you until you learn, I've seen it happen in this camp! At least with me you know that I'll be careful with you." He justified and I could sense the same protective authority in him that I'd seen him address Octavia with countless times.
"I wont be stupid. I'll start resting and I'll take care of myself. I won't take on any actual combat training until I'm well enough, purely theory until then, I promise." I pleaded and although I could still sense the annoyance in his posture, his resolve was visibly crumbling. "This is important to me Bel, I need to be able to fight for myself. I can't always leave it to you to save me. And maybe the distraction will help me to move on." I appealed to him and he shrugged in defeat.
"Fine, if it's that important to you. But if I see you covered in bruises, it's done." He conceded and I smiled as I agreed to his terms. Bellamy took my face in his hands and placed a gentle kiss on my lips with an affection that made my heart swell. "I won't let anything happen to you again." He whispered as he leaned his forehead against mine in a tender motion and I felt the last of my fear dissolve in his reassurance.