Chapter 37: The Coffee Mug

Donna lay comfortably in bed surrounded by several fluffy pillows and the warmth of Josh's heavy down comforter. Cabbot's hadn't been busy that evening, and Donna was able to leave early. She was ahead on her assignments and was fortunate to be able to relax and read Pride and Prejudice. Though she had read the book numerous times, she always found herself coming back to Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy.

Josh was another story. From the moment Donna had walked into his apartment that evening, she could tell that his stress level was higher than usual. Usually, when either one of them felt the pressures of class or whatever event brought stress, they would relieve it with an abundant amount of sex. It had worked beautifully, up until tonight. Donna knew immediately that Josh was so lost within his law school textbooks that she wouldn't be able to get his attention, even with the silky lingerie she had on under her flannel pants and sweatshirt. She had seen the lacy, ice blue teddy in the boutique shop window earlier this week, and knew Josh would absolutely love it. But since the beginning, she had always told him, "School first." And tonight was just one of those nights where that was the case, and silky lingerie would have to wait.

Donna read for a little while longer before deciding to venture out into the kitchen to make herself a mug of herbal tea. But if she was honest with herself, it was just an excuse to see Josh. She had missed him today, and even though she didn't want to disturb him while he was studying, she just wanted to say a quick "Hi" to the man she loved with all her heart, the man who showed her how to trust again, the man who came into her life when she least expected it, but needed it the most. She smiled to herself as she climbed out of bed and made her way to the kitchen.

Josh was sitting at the table, his books on Civil Procedure scattered everywhere and random notebooks piled on chairs. He was beyond stressed as he worked to understand the dense concepts written on the pages. He had done so well the first semester, easily in the top 10 percent of his class, but Josh knew that if he wanted any chance of receiving an invitation for his second year to join the Yale Law Journal, he would have to do equally as well or better this semester. Tonight, this was all he could focus on.

"Hi Pumpkin Patch," came Donna's sweet voice as she made her way to the kitchen sink. He responded in kind with a quick "Hi Baby," but even Josh could hear how distracted he sounded as he never took his eyes off the page and began to write fervently.

"Still on Civil Procedures?" She asked as she started filling the tea kettle with water.

"Mmm."

"Can I do anything for you Josh? I'm having some tea. Do you want a mug? Or I could brew you some coffee? Are you feeling tire-"

"No. I'm fine thanks," he cut her off. He loved the sound of her voice more than anything, but right now, everything around him was a distraction. He continued to study and was brought out of his trance once again as Donna came out of the bedroom sometime later with her empty glass mug and began to rinse it out. Even the sound of running water irritated him. He just needed 100 percent quiet this evening.

"Donna honey, Don't worry about the mug. I will take care of it."

"Josh, it's fine I'm almost done."

"Really, just leave it in the sink please."

"I just need to . . ." And as Donna said the words, she felt her hand convulse on its own accord as she dropped the mug, shattering it in the sink. She immediately grabbed her right hand, but at the same time, felt a sharp, stinging pain in her left.

"Josh I'm so sorry, I will clean it, I'm . . ."

"Don't worry about it, please." By this point Josh was irritated. He had asked her to forget about washing the mug, and now here they were still talking when he just needed to keep zoning in on what's in front of him. Unfortunately, he was so aloof from what was happening around him, that he missed why the mug broke in the first place.

Donna looked at her hands, both now covered in blood from a deep cut on her left palm. She knew he was on edge, but she had to say it, "But Josh there's bl..."

"OH MY GOD! DONNA stop, please!? I'm trying to study and I need to grasp this concept. Now, you might be able to chit chat about inane things when you're painting, but I CAN'T when I'm studying THIS," he said sharply as he held his book up, but his eyes never left the table.

"I know. I'm sorry Joshua, but there's bl . . ."

"I said don't worry about it. It's just a mug."

And with that she capitulated the task of trying to get his attention. "K, sorry," Donna said sheepishly as she quietly walked back into the bedroom and closed the door gently with her elbow, careful not to get any blood from her hand anywhere. Donna quickly made her way to the bathroom, grabbing a tissue to put over her hand so that she could open the little medicine cabinet without getting blood anywhere. She sat on the edge of the bathtub and immediately began dabbing her cut. It was deeper than she originally thought, and she was feeling a little light-headed. Quickly, she applied pressure and raised her hand above her heart to reduce blood loss and swelling.

"Deep breaths Donna, deep breaths," she told herself in an effort to calm down. Dizziness always made her feel uncomfortable, something about it brought her back to that night. If she had to guess, it had to do with feeling disoriented. A few minutes later, and a few sips out of a water cup, her lightheadedness began to fade and she began cleaning her cut with antibiotic ointment. Donna desperately wanted to wrap her hand, but one look at her shaking right hand and she knew better than to hold the medical scissors. She knew what she needed:

A second set of hands.

"He doesn't want to be bothered and I'm already a burden . . ." She whispered as she grabbed the roll of gauze and attempted to shakily wrap her hand. Donna couldn't help the tears of frustration and pain as she admonished herself for not being able to do this on her own. After a few minutes, she leaned against the wall and looked at her poorly wrapped hand, it would have to do for now. She wiped the tears away from her cheeks, splashed some water on her face, and made an attempt to clean up the bathroom as best she could. The first aid kit would have to stay on the ground, her right hand was too shaky to pick it up and her left hurt too much.

A few minutes later, she made her way into the kitchen, prepared to make her goodbye for the evening quick so that Josh could get back to studying. "Josh. I think you need me out of your hair tonight so I'm going to go home." She had already started to make her way to the door.

"K, love you. Take the car please. Sorry I just have to get this material down," he looked at her quickly with a half attempt at a smile and returned back to his books.

"It's fine. I love you too. Night."

"Night baby."

She didn't go over and kiss him, she just didn't want to disturb him while he was studying. He wasn't in a good mood, so she slipped out the door and made her way outside. Donna took one look at the car and did a quick check in with herself. Between feeling light headed earlier, her bloody palm, and her shaky hand, she knew she couldn't drive. There was no way she could have control over the steering wheel if she couldn't grip it properly with either hand. With that, Donna made the decision to walk home. She much rather be cold and met with a harsh, midnight wind than take the risk of a second car accident. The thought made her shiver as she began to walk.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Josh finished studying around 2:30 in the morning. He felt like he had pushed himself enough to understand the Civil Procedure concepts, which had seemed impossible a few hours before. He shut his book and upon relieving himself of his tunnel vision, he remembered how he had acted earlier.

He had snapped at Donna. And now he felt terrible and ashamed for how he had treated the woman he loves with every fiber of his being. He was angry with himself for being so wrapped up in his work that he didn't remember to kiss her good night. It was the first time he ever forgot, and he vowed to himself to try and make sure that it would never happen again.

Josh remembered looking at Donna briefly before she left, and looking back he realizes that she looked off. Something was wrong when she left, and it's at that moment Josh remembered the mug. His chest tightened when he walked over and saw the contents in the sink, and his eyes fixated on it right away. Amongst the broken pieces of glass were red stains. And then Josh saw the little drops on the floor and counter, and he remembered how he cut her off and suddenly it occurred to him what Donna had been trying to say:

"But Josh there's blood everywhere."

He felt horrible. He hadn't listened, instead he got irritated, cut her off, and snapped at her. "She cut herself. Her hand probably started to shake, she dropped the mug . . ."

Josh started to put the pieces together as he leaned against the sink. He immediately started to worry and ran into the bedroom. Then the panic set in as he looked in the bathroom and saw what was in front of him: several bloody tissues in the trash, a stream of dried blood in the sink, and a disheveled first aid kit that was covered in way more blood than what would come from a simple cut. Josh felt his chest tighten even more and his heart beat rapidly. Donna had clearly needed him, and he wasn't there for her. But what was worse, he had made her feel like she couldn't go to him.

Josh's panic only intensified when he ran outside and immediately saw the volvo parked in its usual spot. Donna had walked home in the middle of the night and it was cold outside. Josh felt his body shake at the image of Donna looking at her hands and looking at the car as she made the decision to walk, and Josh was sure he'd never been more upset with himself than he was at that moment. He hopped in the car and quickly drove to Donna's, not stopping for red lights.

From the street, Josh saw that her lights were off. He only hoped that she was having a peaceful sleep. Quietly, he let himself in and made his way through the dark to her bedroom. He let himself relax a little as he saw her safe and sound, fast asleep in her bed, with the bedside light on. His eyes immediately focused on her hand resting on a couple of pillows. One look at that bandage and Josh knew it needed to be re-wrapped. And as squeamish as he was, he was going to wrap it for her. He would do anything for her. She's the love of his life.

Josh removed his shoes and put his car keys down as he made his way over to Donna and sat on the side of her bed. He lovingly started to rub her back and Donna began to wake up. He hated to disturb her sleep, but tonight, tonight he just had to wake her and make sure she was okay.

"I'm so sorry Donna. You were trying to tell me something, and I was being rude. I apologize."

"S'okay Josh," she said sleepily.

"No, it really isn't."

"Josh I wouldn't stop talking and you were trying to study."

"Doesn't matter, I shouldn't have snapped at you. Baby let me see your hand."

"I tried to wrap it," she smiled just a little.

Josh gave her hand a gentle kiss. "I'm sorry about your hand. I'm so sorry." Carefully, he began to unwrap the gauze, and noticed small amounts of fresh blood still coating it. "I should have taken care of you. Your hand started to shake."

"No Josh, you did what you should have done, you should have kept studying. It's just a cut. I don't think it's as bad as it looks. I just bled a lot. And you know my hand shakes every now and then. Tonight it just happened at the worst possible time."

"I should have been there to wrap your hand. But I'm pretty sure I was the biggest kind of jerk tonight, and I'm so very sorry Donnatella, I'm so sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't come to me for help. You should never have to feel that way."

"I already feel like a burden to you Josh," he could barely hear her as she burrowed into the blankets a little more.

"Donnatella, you are not a burden. You're a gift, and I often wonder how it is that I am so lucky to be the one that you love."

"Josh . . ." His words had instantly brought her to tears.

"It's true." Josh stopped unwrapping the gauze for a moment, he needed to get this out. "I have a bad habit of obsessing over things, developing tunnel vision, and hyper-focusing on what is in front of me. So I was thinking, maybe we can have a code phrase? Something we say when we absolutely need the other's attention. You are always my number one priority Donna. And I am so sorry if I made you feel less than that tonight. Those books would still have been sitting there if I took a ten minute break, and I need to remember that. Whattya' say? You want to have a code phrase to use when your boyfriend needs to snap out of it?"

"We need a new coffee mug?" Donna asked with a raised brow.

"We need a new coffee mug sounds perfect," Josh smiled. "It will always remind me of tonight, which will grab my attention."

"And you can say it when your girlfriend gets overly involved with her artwork, it works both ways you know," Donna whispered as she kissed his cheek.

"Baby I love watching you paint, I'm not sure I could use the code phrase then."

"Sure you could. Especially when we are running late for something, or if ya know, you wanted to do something . . ." She winked at him.

"Donna Moss, are you making sexual innuendos?"

"Maybe," she replied with a coy, all knowing smile.

Josh laughed as he kissed her soft, pouty lips. "Now let's get a look at this hand, k?" He smiled encouragingly, but couldn't help his grimace when he saw her palm. It needed stitches, there was no doubt in Josh's mind.

"Donna, baby it's really deep and there's some glass. I think we should head over to the emergency room so you can get stitches." Josh looked at her with nothing but compassion and love. He knew how much Donna hated the hospital.

"Josh, I can take the glass out tomorrow when my hand isn't shaky. I can go without the stitches." There was a desperation in her voice and it was breaking his heart.

"It could get infected, and removing the glass on your own will really hurt. The emergency room can numb it for you, and stitches will help it heal better. Please, let me take you? I won't leave your side the entire time, I promise."

"Okay," Donna's voice was quiet and Josh could see the anxiety on her face. "Can we go after we sleep? Please?" He hated to say no to her, but going right now would really be for the best.

"If we wait, it's probably going to be more painful and ya know, maybe an infection. And it's still bleeding a little, which isn't good. I don't want you in pain while we try to sleep."

"Please Josh. Let's sleep first?" Her words were more desperate now, and it was killing him, but he had been hurtful tonight and he hadn't been there when she needed him. The least he could do is honor her wish to sleep before going to the emergency room.

O0o0oo0oo0oooo

"I'm sorry baby, I know it hurts," Josh said as Donna winced while he carefully re-wrapped her hand. It wasn't the best wrap job, but it would do. "All wrapped," he whispered as he gave her hand a kiss, but followed with a sad smile before continuing, "I'm really sorry Donna."

"Joshua, I accept your apology for being grouchy tonight. But you have nothing else to apologize for."

"K." He still wasn't convinced.

"Joshua, Josh, Josh. Take your jeans off and lay down with me, or I will be mad at you," she winked.

"Ah-kay Blue Eyes." He smiled, feeling better that they were already starting to get back to their usual selves.

"Does it hurt?" He asked as he snuggled behind her, his hand finding its way under her pajama top to rest on her soft, alabaster skin.

"A little. It feels better now that it's re-wrapped."

"Good, I'm glad to hear that. Now get some sleep. I love you."

"I love you Josh."

O0o0oo0oo0oooo

"Josh?" Donna's voice was barely a whisper as she floated in and out of sleep.

"Mmm?" Josh continued to rub her stomach, his head leaning against his other hand.

"You haven't fallen asleep yet."

"Nope."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because your hand is still bleeding, and I know there isn't a lot, but I'm worried about you losing too much blood and I want to make sure you're okay." He placed a gentle kiss on her temple, his voice soft.

Donna turned to face Josh, running her fingers against his cheek. He was worried about her and was too nervous to sleep. He wasn't going to feel better until they went to the emergency room. And even though she didn't want to go, Donna knew that Josh was right. It would be better for them to go sooner rather than later.

"Let's go now."

"Are you sure? I don't mind staying awake Donna."

"But I do, Josh. I want you to get a few hours of rest, and we can do that when we come home."

"I was terrible to you tonight Donna, a real jerk. And here you are, doing something that will make me feel better. That's not fair."

"Joshua. We are going to have moments where we snap or we are frustrated, or angry. But what's important is how we talk to each other after that happens and fixing it. You did that tonight. And you wanting to go to the emergency room now is coming from a place of love. You love me and you want me to feel better, and I love you and I want you to feel better. So yes, that means we are going to go to the emergency room now. Then we can sleep and wake up and eat pancakes, or something." Josh saw her wink just before she went in for a quick peck on the lips. She had rendered him speechless. All he could do was smile and kiss her back, a little more deeply than a peck on the lips.

"You keep that up Joshua and we won't get out of here." They both laughed.

"I will put a pin in it Blue Eyes, until tomorrow, when we eat pancakes, or something."