Chapter 41

Gibbs sat in his basement, drinking his first cup of coffee for the day. It was Monday. This would be the first time they'd been back to work since everything had fallen apart. He really wasn't sure how it would go. Seeing Tim working on the jewelry box had given him hope for things to get better. They had made a good beginning and Tim had said he would come back to work on it some more. He was still struggling more than Gibbs wished he was, but even just that time working with the wood had calmed him some...just as it had when Gibbs had first invited him to do it. He smiled a little, remembering how offended Tim had been when Gibbs had told him to make a box. ...and how frustrated he'd been when he'd realized it was harder than he had thought it was.

Then, his phone rang, interrupting his musings. He quickly answered.

"Gibbs."

"Hey, Boss."

"Tony," he said.

And then waited.

"I know this will make you irritated but could I have one more day?"

"Tell me why," Gibbs said.

"I... need to... talk to Ziva before we have to work together."

"Ziva?"

That was a surprise. Gibbs hadn't seen that one coming.

"Yeah. And I won't have a chance to do that before work. Please, Boss. Just one more day and I'll be back. ...unless you don't want me back."

"Does this have to do with your therapy?"

"Yeah. Kinda."

"You're going?"

"Yeah. To Dr. Hicks. You can check."

There was another surprise. Maybe Tony was genuinely taking this seriously. Gibbs definitely hoped so.

"What do you need to talk to Ziva about?"

"Um... could I not tell you that?"

And a third surprise. Gibbs had assumed it was about how frustrated she'd been with Tony. It seemed to be more than that.

"Tomorrow, Tony. Don't be late."

"I won't. Promise."

"Good."

"Bye."

Gibbs hung up and sat, thinking again. This time, about Tony. He had sounded different. Less angry, more cautious. Caution was good. Avoidance was not. He didn't seem to be avoiding things. Going to Dr. Hicks had not been something Gibbs had anticipated at all, but if it helped, he would be thrilled.

Well, there was no putting off the awkwardness. He'd just make sure he had plenty of coffee to get through the day.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim woke up with the sun shining in his eyes, and to his surprise, he had actually slept through the entire night without a nightmare. It was the first night in ages, and it was a very good thing. He rolled over and saw that Zahara was actually sleeping as well.

I guess it's easier when I don't make it hard, he thought to himself.

That gave him his usual surge of anger at the people who had taken him and at his own perceived weakness, but it wasn't as intense as it had been. He felt able to think through it. The anger was no longer blinding.

He lay there, trying to let the anger go, trying to let the peace in Zahara's face guide him away from the anger and back to himself. It was silent in their bedroom. He didn't know what was happening outside the bedroom. He didn't know what time it was. He just tried to let himself feel normal since this was the closest he'd been to it in a long time.

Part of him felt like he should be recovered already, that he should be getting back to his life and stop ruining everyone else's. Part of him wanted to freeze time in this moment when he felt okay. And part of him wished he could speed up time so that he was somehow better again.

Instead of any of that, he was just laying there, letting time pass as it would.

Then, Zahara opened her eyes and looked searchingly at him. Tentatively, he reached out and put his hand on her abdomen, feeling their son inside her. Silently, she covered his hand with her own.

"We've never decided on a name," he whispered.

"No, we did not," Zahara said, also in a whisper. "I was waiting until you felt you could talk about it. Do you feel that way?"

"Maybe. For now."

Zahara smiled a little. "Then, we can talk about it now. You should choose the first name. I will choose the middle name."

"Do I already know the middle name?" Tim asked, smiling a little himself. "Your father?"

"Amud," Zahara said, nodding.

"Then, it will have to be something that goes with Amud."

"Your father? Sam?"

Tim shook his head and felt the strangest sensation in the midst of his continuing tension. He felt like he could make a joke.

"Can you imagine the confusion with our kids if we give them the exact same initials?" he asked.

Zahara laughed softly.

"True. Besides, your father already has his name in Salma's initials."

And for the first time in weeks, Tim laughed himself.

"Yes, he does. We'll be sure to tell him that when he complains."

"If we have any more boys, we will have to give them his name somewhere," Zahara said with a grin. "He will feel left out."

"How about Jonathan?" Tim asked.

"Jonathan Amud McGee," Zahara said, and then grinned again. "He will be jam."

"What?"

"His initials. They will be jam."

Tim laughed again. "I guess that means he'll be very sweet."

Awkwardly, Zahara leaned over and kissed Tim on the forehead.

"Like his father."

"Like his father wishes he was," Tim said, feeling the tension increase again. He leaned back and stared at the ceiling.

"No, he is. He just can't see it right now, but I can. Tim, you are so much better than you were. If you cannot be normal yet, that is all right. You are more yourself now than you were before. I will wait."

Tim rolled back.

"What if I can't handle it when... Jonathan is born? What if I make it worse for you because I can't deal with the extra stress?" he asked. "I know this has been so hard for you. I don't want to make it worse."

"You will be with me. You will be all right. I will be all right. Salma was not early. We have time."

"Enough?"

"Yes," Zahara said, firmly. "I did not hear you in the night."

"I didn't wake up."

"See? That's better."

Tim found that he could smile. Weakly, yes, but it was still a smile.

"As long as it's not a fluke."

"Is that not a fish?" Zahara asked, but her eyes twinkled.

"Yes, it is. It's also an exception."

"It is not an exception. ...and I don't think it is a fish, either."

Tim laughed a little and his throat tightened. He pulled Zahara close to him.

"I love you so much," he whispered. "I don't deserve you."

"Yes, you do. And I deserve you," Zahara said. "Now, are you ready to face the world?"

Tim took a deep breath and let Zahara go. Finally, he sat up and nodded.

"Yeah."

"Good. Ziva said she would be back at work today. Do you think that you could take Jethro out by yourself?"

Tim felt his stomach tighten and he knew it showed in his face. Zahara scooted over close to him.

"Then, Naomi will go with you," Zahara said, firmly. "This will help you, Tim."

"I know. I just can't... quite believe it yet."

"I know." She put her hand over the hamza he wore. "You will be fine."

Then, it was time to get up.

As he prepared himself for another day of struggling to get his life back in order, Tim found his mind wandering to the fact that the team would be working without him. ...and he had no physical injury that was keeping him from it. He looked at himself in the mirror.

"You should be working, too," he said to his reflection.

But, no matter how weak he felt, no matter how much he berated himself, he knew he couldn't manage that yet. The only thing that kept him from just throwing up his hands at himself was that he knew he was trying. He knew he was really wanting to recover. It just was taking more time than he wanted to take.

"You can do this," he whispered at himself. "You can do this. You have to do this. You can do it."

Another deep breath and he left the bathroom, prepared to face his day.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ziva came into the bullpen and noticed that Gibbs was there, but Tony was not. Since she knew that she was only barely on time, it didn't make sense that Tony hadn't beat her here. She didn't want to say anything, but she was now afraid that perhaps Tony wasn't coming back at all.

She sat down without saying a word.

And found out quickly that Gibbs could see what she wasn't saying.

"He asked for one more day. He'll be back tomorrow," Gibbs said.

Ziva glanced at Tony's desk and then looked at Gibbs.

"Why?"

Gibbs skewered her with a stare.

"He said he needed to talk to you, first."

"To me?"

"Yes. Why?"

Ziva felt her cheeks warm. She knew what it had to be about, but she didn't know what Tony wanted to say about it.

"What did Tony say?" she asked.

"That he didn't want to tell me."

"Oh."

Ziva knew that she could rely on Gibbs for pretty much anything, but this was something that did need to stay between Tony and herself...until they were on the same page at least. And they definitely weren't right now.

"Will this affect whether or not you two can work together?" Gibbs asked.

"I cannot say... not until I have spoken to Tony."

The eyebrow went up, but since it was true, Ziva didn't find that too intimidating. Thinking about having this discussion with Tony was much more worrisome.

"You'd better talk to him tonight, then. He's back tomorrow."

"Yes, Gibbs."

"Good."

Then, Gibbs' expression softened slightly.

"How are you doing?"

Ziva looked at her desk.

"I thought about going to Ray's funeral, but I could not make myself do it."

"Probably for the best."

"Yes, probably," Ziva said with a sigh.

Then, Gibbs' phone rang. He actually grimaced slightly and then answered. He listened silently and then hung up.

"Lovitz said that Abby could bring you up to speed on what she's been doing," Gibbs said. Then, he ran up the stairs.

Ziva sat where she was for a moment and then nodded to herself. She couldn't expect everything to be normal already. She knew that. Maybe Abby would be normal.

She stood and went down to the lab. Music was playing, but not loudly.

"Abby?" Ziva called, a little uncertainly.

There was a moment of music-filled silence. Then...

"Ziva!"

Before she was ready, Abby had run out of her office and was hugging Ziva tightly.

"Oh, I'm so glad that you're back. Things just haven't felt right. I haven't got Tony to talk to me. Gibbs hasn't been here either. It just feels like NCIS is empty, even though I know it's not. But now that you're back, it will be better and I'm so glad to see you and... and... how are you?"

Ziva smiled and pulled away. Not perhaps perfectly normal, but normal enough.

"I am better, but it's been a long time since I missed so much work. I need your help to get into the groove again."

"Of course! I can help with that! I'd love to!" Then, Abby paused for a moment. "Have you seen Tim?"

"Yes. I've been walking Jethro for him. I got him to come out with me a few times."

"How is he?"

"Better. But not all better," Ziva said. "Have you not visited at all?"

"A couple of times, but when I went, Tim was sleeping, so I mostly talked to Zahara." Abby shrugged. "I don't really feel a part of all this, you know. I feel like it happened to all of you, and I'm standing on the outside...with Jimmy, just hoping that it works out."

Ziva shook her head and hugged Abby once more.

"No. Even if that is true, we have needed you there. You are a part, Abby. Always."

Abby smiled and then pulled Ziva over to the computer and started to talk about the most recent case and what had been done so far. In fact, even though she was the only one there listening, Ziva felt that there was a hope for a return of normalcy.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"How do you think things are shaking out, Jethro?" Jenny asked.

"Don't know. Tony's seeing a shrink, finally. I think it might make a difference."

"Good. He should have been before."

"Yeah. Ziva's okay. What about the case?"

"Chaotic as you might guess. Jurisdiction is all over the place, mostly CIA and FBI duking it out, but DHS is in it now, too. Domestic terrorism. We've been shuffled to the side, but I'm staying in it as much as I can, and I've informed the President that we need to be kept in the loop no matter what else because Agent McGee can't be kept in the dark about what happens to these people. I've actually had regular reports from the NSA about what they're learning."

"And?"

"And it's bigger than just these people, but not as big as it could have been. No international ties at all that they've found. All domestic. That's still not wonderful, but it's something."

Gibbs nodded.

"Is Tim going to be able to come back?" Jenny asked.

"Yes."

"Do you know that?"

"Yes."

"Was it as bad as the first time?"

Gibbs knew what she meant and it wasn't the very beginning of this. It was Tim's first psychotic breakdown.

"No. Bad, but not that bad."

Jenny nodded and sighed. "I never thought that... that this would even be something we'd be discussing anymore. Tim has seemed so settled, accepting... so strong after all the hits he's taken."

"Yeah...but he broke once. It's always easier to break again with the same cause."

"I know. Well, his leave is indefinite for now. Hopefully, we'll get a better sense of things soon."

Gibbs nodded and then left the office. The rest of the day was actually quite normal. It would have been really normal if Tony had been there, but since it wasn't, his empty desk kept things from feeling right. They didn't expect Tim to be there yet, but Tony should have been. It kept them off-balance, just a little bit.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ziva was glad to go home at the end of the day, but she was also glad that she'd been back at work. It was just a little something that made it feel better. She didn't stop at Tim's, but she promised herself that she would another day so that Tim didn't feel abandoned...whether he would even notice or not.

When she got to her apartment, she was only half-surprised to see Tony sitting on her steps. She hesitated, but then, she remembered what Gibbs had said. They needed to talk this out. She just wasn't sure that Tony really would do it.

But she walked over to the steps.

"Gibbs said that you needed to talk to me," she said, keeping her voice calm and even.

Tony nodded, but he didn't look at her. He had a small piece of paper in his hand and he was just fiddling with it.

"I hope you'll let me into your place," he said, softly.

"Only if you will promise me that you'll talk and be serious. I am not in the mood for your usual talking without saying anything."

"I promise."

Ziva could see that there was something different, but she didn't dare hope that it would be substantive. Still, they did need to talk.

"Very well. Come in."

Tony stood up, still mostly avoiding making eye contact, and he followed her inside. Ziva let him into her apartment, closed the door behind her and then sat down.

For a long time, there was silence.