Tissue warning. Please don't read this if you're feeling a little low. Come back in two chapters. I promise things will have picked up by then.
Chapter 53 – I will stay.
Thursday, March 5th, 2020
APOV
"Like that sense of comfort helped a shit ton before." He says, dripping with sarcasm.
What. The. Fuck. Did. This. Man. Just. Say. To. Me?
Neanderthal. I'm dating a fucking Neanderthal. This is the 15 year old, petulant asshole Christian Grey in front of me right now. Breathe, Ana. Breathe. Do not lose it right now. I look down at the breakfast bar and breathe.
I feel like I've been slapped in the face. I feel my temperature run cold. Don't cry. Don't you DARE cry, Ana.
"Ana, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry." He reaches out to grab my hand. It's a firm grip and I can hear the contrition in his voice but not this time. Fuck this. He does not get to say this shit to me and then apologize. He does not get to throw my trauma back in my face and then fucking apologize because he couldn't get a handle on his fucking trap.
"Let go of my hand." I saw in a low and measured voice. I'm really trying to remain calm. God, I wish my instincts weren't so off. I'd fucking land him on his ass right now for touching me. I need to start training with Sawyer again. I need to learn how to focus all my energy again.
Focus.
"Ana, please...I'm sorry." His voice is strained but I don't give two shits right now.
My heart is fucking shattered.
"Let. Go. Of. My. Hand." I enunciate trying my best to keep my anger at bay but he doesn't loosen his grip. I take a deep breath and snatch my hand out it a little more forcefully than I intended to. I don't care how it looks. He fucked up. He may not have meant it but that's why they say you need to learn how to control your anger because it can be just as damaging as physical violence.
Having your heart broken can be just as painful, if not more, than being beaten.
Monday, March 9th, 2020
I wake up to the sound of my alarm screeching. I try looking for my phone but find it a million miles away from me on the couch. How the hell did I get to bed? I turn it off and see a few texts from Christian.
CG: Leaving for New York. Stay safe, I love you.
CG: Landed.
I should feel something but I don't. I don't want to reply but I should.
AS: Thank you for letting me know. Stay safe and good luck with everything.
I make my way down to get ready and tell Gail on the way that she doesn't have to worry about making dinner this week since I'm just one person and that I'd rather make something myself if need be.
"Do you want to have dinner with us tonight?" Gail asks.
"Are you sure? I mean, I don't want to intrude."
"Nonsense, I'm making dinner for everyone else anyway so feel free to join us."
I suddenly feel so excited... "Only if I can make dessert!"
Gail laughs. "That sounds like a deal that's too good to pass up."
"YAY! Okay, I'll see you for dinner this evening."
...
"Hi Maggie, how's my favorite man today?"
"Hey Ana, he's doing okay. He had a rough night, I won't lie. Why don't you get settled in room 24 and I'll bring him over."
Jose was at an offsite meeting and Val had to work through lunch today so I thought I'd go to the NICU again and spend some time with Adam. A part of me knows I'm setting myself up for failure in a way when I'll have to say goodbye to him... but I can't help what I feel for him. It may be just old feelings resurfacing again, feelings that I've suppressed for a really long time.
I wash my arms and hands and wait for Maggie to bring him by. I sit on the rocking chair and she places him gently in my arms and leaves. I see Sawyer standing at the door trying not to look at me but he also can't help it.
"Do you want to meet him?" I ask.
"Am I allowed to?"
"Yeah sure, why not?" Sawyer slowly walks to me and looks down at Adam.
"He's a looker." Sawyer chuckles.
"Isn't he? Hey Adam, this is Sawyer, his name is actually Luke but he likes to be a tough guy... he keeps me safe along with Prescott."
Adam is looking around with his tiny eyes. He does not seem amused by Sawyer.
"You know, you could smile a bit, you're scaring the child."
Sawyer then gives me a forced smile.
"Okay now you're just being creepy. Get out!" I laugh. He smirks and exits the room. "Okay little guy now where were we? Maggie told me you had a difficult night? Wanna tell me about it."
I rock gently and tell him about my fight with Christian and how much I actually miss him.
"I'll bring him to meet you one day, I think you'll like him. He has grey eyes like yours right now though I think your eye color is going to change a bit... who knows? Maybe he can share all his CEO secrets with you so you can grow up and be super successful and take over the world like him."
I stoke his tiny cheek and he yawns. "I guess it's time for you to sleep now baby boy, I have to leave soon too."
Hush now, my darling
Don't you cry
I'll sing you to sleep
with this lullaby
I will stay
I will stay
Baby Adam soon drifts off into peaceful sleep.
Tuesday, March 10th, 2020
"Why did Val ditch us again?" I ask as I try to lie on the floor of my room with my legs raised up and leaning on the wall.
"She has a date with Marco from Real Estate." Jose groans while he lies right next to me in the same position. "What the fuck is this god damn yoga pose supposed to achieve?"
"Well for starters no one asked you to join me... it's supposed to help my lower back. Robbie put me through my paces on Saturday morning and I have cramps here and there. This helps open up everything... so tell me, brand new Marco?
"Yeah."
"Do we like him?"
"We think he's cute that's for sure." Jose shrugs.
"I hope he's a good one. Val deserves some happiness."
"She just needs some good dick, speaking of which... what's going on with you and Grey?"
"What do you mean?"
"Hag, I saw your face at the brunch, you looked like a mopey ass white girl who hadn't had some decent dick in a while."
I take a deep breath. "We had a fight."
"And?"
"And nothing, it's just... he needs to learn how to control what he says when he isn't getting his way."
"Ahhh... okay, so the usual hetero toxic masculinity shit?"
"Yeah, a little bit of that."
"Wanna talk about it?"
I shrug. "It's just one of those things that we have to go through... growing pains I guess. This is a first relationship for us both."
"Wait, what do you mean by that. Ain't no way this is his first relationship..." Jose is about to expire. I need to get control of this situation.
"No, I mean, his past relationships were very private and unconventional I'd say. I guess you could say, I'm the first, real relationship."
"Wait don't tell me... he was the mayor of fuck buddyville and one-night stand town?"
I burst out laughing. "I guess in a way he was."
"Damn... makes sense why never was ever seen with anyone."
"Yeah, I guess."
"...but now he's got a good one." Jose smiles at me.
"You're scaring me." Anytime he's being genuine I have the urge to check if he has a fever.
"I know... fuck I'm scaring myself too... okay back to my drama now. I had another fight with Phillip last night."
"Same thing?"
"Yeah. I swear to god, it's like his ovaries are multiplying. We met Ros and Gwen last night and he lost his shit over the baby. Almost kidnapped her."
"Jose, what is your real reservation about adopting?" I ask as I maneuver to get up and sit upright against the wall, while he remains lying down.
He takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm going to be a shitty parent. I'm going to fail Ana. My dad was an asshole to me, never accepted me... I mean my mom was a fucking angel and sure I love my sisters kids but I fucking get to give them back you know..."
"Yeah, it's like having a return policy."
"Yeah... like yeah I'm their cool Uncle Jose and they love me and I love them. I'd do anything for them but I also am not wholly responsible for them you know?"
"I can understand that. I have those same fears. As much as I desperately want to be a mom, I'm also really fucking scared. What if a switch flips and I become like Carla?" I say as I feel a flood of tears about to consume me.
"Why the fuck did our parents have to be such fucking pricks?"
"I don't know." I say wiping my eyes. "But Jose, I think this could be our way of healing. At least I hope it can be. Listen, you won't be alone in raising the child, Phillip will help you and I'm always nearby... they say it takes a village any way."
"Yeah I know."
"How long have you both been together again?"
"10 years. We dated for 5 years and then have been married for 5 years. When we first met we spoke about having children but knew it would be really far into the future... I thought I'd come around to it but... I guess I just put off dealing with my issues... and now, I can see that Phillip is really starting to lose it. He's 36 and has really settled into the Dad mindset."
"Did you feel anything when you held Ros and Gwen's baby?"
"I did, I always feel a surge of love when I hold a baby but I don't know about the whole changing my life entirely. I love my job and I want to fucking be the best at what I do. I love our freedom to just pick up and leave and... " he sighs and shakes his head.
"Well, who's saying that you need to become a stay at home dad Jose? You can still be a good parent and be good at your job. Have you and Phillip thought of couples counseling, talking this out with a professional... look Christian and I go for couples therapy... it's beneficial."
"You two go, well of course you go... all white people go to therapy." Jose laughs.
"Yeah, we haven't been in a while but the few times we've been... it's been really helpful." I smile at him.
"I guess I'll do that." He says distractedly... "What about you guys, have you talked about kids?"
"We've talked about it, we just haven't discussed a timeline... though I have a feeling he's going to want me to get pregnant immediately after we get married and I don't know if I'm ready for that."
"What are your reservations?"
"Well, I just started to live my life again you know? For 4 years I lived in fear and now that I've found Christian and you guys, I was happy that my life was growing but I haven't really lived you know. I haven't done much, no traveling, no real achievements... I haven't... I've just survived trauma. These past 4 years I was just... surviving. That's all that's on my resume. I wanted to live a little before I became a mom. What if I resent it? I mean, I know Christian ready to settle down. He's going to be 31 this year... but I'm only 24... I don't know..."
"For what it's worth, you'd be a great mom. You have nothing to worry about."
"Are you trying to make me cry?" my voice wavers.
"Shut the fuck up and let's go downstairs... I need some more wine." Jose groans and tries to get up.
We go downstairs and I whip us a quick dinner. A spicy cajun shrimp pasta with some of the left over blueberry French toast from the brunch with some vanilla ice-cream for dessert.
"Hag... I think the only reason why we're friends is because you can cook."
"I think the only reason why anyone is friends with me is because I can cook." I laugh.
"Have you talked to your man since the fight?"
"Not really, we had a bit of discussion the morning before the brunch where I told him to get his shit together and then he left yesterday before I woke up."
"Did he apologize?"
"He did a couple of times but that's not that point. He's done this before... I'm just... I don't know what to do."
"You know they've invented telephone and facetime right? Phone sex that shit, girl."
I roll my eyes. "We've texted but it's been just to let each other know we're back home. He gets my updates from Sawyer and Prescott. He knows I'm safe."
"Are you for real? That's what you're going with?"
I sigh in frustration... over Christian and over myself. "Jose, I'm really trying. I just... I know I have my bad habits but I've just been hurt so many times before that when he says something to me... I just shut down and retreat because I have a temper too and I know I can say something equally damaging and I don't want us to get to a point where we lose each other so I keep my mouth shut..." Now the floodgates have opened and I'm a snotty mess.
Jose leans in and gives me a hug.
"If I told you half of the hurtful shit Phillip and I have said to each other you'd be surprised that we're still together. Listen, it's clear that you both have got issues... I mean, hello, all white people do, I'm married to one." He laughs and I can't help but giggle too. "... but you've got each other and when you throw emotion into the mix well, yeah it's sometimes the fear that's talking. Think of it this way, if he's exercising patience... as much as he can that is... with this situation with your family then how about you try and exercise patience with his need to keep you safe and away from other men. He's obviously never been in a position where a woman could easily dump his ass. I mean have you seen him?"
"That's what I don't get Jose... like you know this better than I do... all the women in GEH, heck the world would drop their panties for him in a heartbeat... I should be the one who is insanely insecure and I am but I try to mentally keep it under lock and key and trust that he chose me and that he would never break my heart that way... then why can't he see that he's the only man in my life? I mean... you've read all the shit online and how they've been picking me apart... he could have so many beautiful women... I'm not a match for any of that. I barely measure up." I wipe the tears from my eyes and suddenly all the faces of the previous subs flash before my eyes and I sob.
"Hey... hey... look, I know how it feels to still see yourself as the fat ugly kid from high school. We both went through that... except we weren't ugly... we just decided to wear our traumas on the outside and insulate our real selves. You're not that girl anymore Ana and I'm not that boy. We've come a long way from all of that. We've got to celebrate how fucking amazing we are and all that we've achieved personally and professionally. I mean look at this JLo booty I got? And look at yourself... minus these hideous pajamas and college t-shirt." He says in disgust and I laugh. "You're a beautiful woman inside and out. I mean that. You're more than what you look like to Christian. He's obviously smitten with you. I've seen how he looks at you, like the guy can't want to fuck you... " he fans himself. "but he also just really loves who you are. Trust me... any human being who sees you two interact, can see that."
I close my eyes and nod, wiping my face.
"Look, you may not see yourself as a hot piece of ass, but you are. Trust me, I've saw how some of the fucktards at GEH would check you out, the only reason why they never made a move because they all knew, that I knew all the gossip that could ruin them... "
I giggle. "So you were protecting me?"
"In a way, yes. You deserved the best and you got him. Why the fuck else was I trying to get you to see Grey in a fuckable light? Though, now I know you were fucking him all along."
"Well, only since November." I laugh.
"Best kept secret of the century... till it wasn't." He smirks.
"Why wasn't Val afforded that protection?"
"I tried but that bitch doesn't want protection she only wants erections." he deadpans and I lose it.
Wednesday, March 11th 2020
I say goodnight to Sawyer and Prescott before heading up to the apartment. Gail texted me that I got a package and she left it on the dining table. I don't remember ordering anything, maybe Nani or Mama sent me something but then again they usually tell me when they do.
I exit the elevator and walk towards the kitchen and dining area and I see a delicate arrangement. As I walk closer I see it in its entirety and it's so beautiful. It's almost abstract, with branches sprouting out. I'm reminded of pictures I've seen of cherry blossoms in bloom; like the promises that the season of spring can bring. I see an envelope next to it with my name written in script. It's Christian's handwriting.
A lump in my throat forms. I shake my head. I pick up the arrangement and letter and walk to Christians room.
I check the time. It's a little after 7:30pm. I take a quick shower and wear one of his shirts and a pair of tights. My stomach is growling so I scarf down some of the left over pasta from last night and run back to Christians room and sit on the bed to read the letter. I stare at it for a few minutes. Why am I nervous?
I open it slowly and open the folded paper inside.
Dear Ana,
I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry for what I said and how acted in the heat of the moment. You're right. I'm an insecure man. I have only ever been concerned with my needs, again just another by product of my past. You don't deserve that. You deserve a man that is worthy of you. A man that realizes how incredible you are and all that you're willing to give and doesn't hurt you with his words when he doesn't have his way.
I see the love and respect you show my parents and my siblings. You're creating a life for us and I'm too stubborn to see that sometimes. I see the dedication you have and all that you've done to help GEH. You've gone above and beyond to fill my life with love and joy but my fear of losing you is inadvertently pushing you away. I'm just a husk of a man but I am trying my best to be the man who deserves you in all that you are. In our most difficult times, you have shown me love and compassion when I didn't deserve it. I know you have enough ammunition to tear me down but you don't. My fear of losing you has been the reason why we've had problems since the beginning. I see that now. You always talk to me and try to explain things but I'm stubborn and sometimes unable to see past my own issues.
I thought to love someone was to need them in the most desperate way because that's how I love you and need you but now I realize that the way you show me love doesn't mean that you don't need me, it's just different. It's no less and no more. You love me and I know that. I just need to work on myself to see it in the ways you show it then believe it with eyes closed and not be threatened by trivial things that happen in our lives. You have told me time and time again that you're mine and that you only want to be with me. I shouldn't need reassurances but sometimes I can't believe you're real and that you are mine. After everything I've done... I wonder why the universe was still so kind to bring you to me. You're purest energy who has brought so much light and joy into my empty and dark world.
I'm working on myself to be patient and deserving of you. I was barely living before you Ana and the idea of not having you in my life is something that scares me to my core. You are my world now. I love you. I trust you. You are the love of my life. You mean everything to me.
Please forgive me.
Yours, always.
Christian.
I fold the letter, putting it back in the envelope as I wipe the tears from my eyes.
I wish I could hold him right now.
I check the time, it's about 11:15pm in New York. I wonder if he's up.
Just shut up and call him Ana.
The phone rings once.
"Ana?"
I swallow.
"Hi..." fuck, it's like I've forgotten to speak.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything is fine... I hope I didn't wake you."
"No baby, you didn't. I was just working on some emails then I was going to try and get some sleep."
"How's New York been so far?" Really Ana, that's what you're going to ask him? Just get to the damn point.
"It's been productive. I haven't been here since November and these guys need a kick in the ass every now and then."
A giggle escapes me. I can imagine him screaming up a storm in the New York office while everyone runs to save their ass.
"I've missed that sound." He breathes.
"I got the flowers and your letter. Thank you. They were beautiful and the letter was... thank you for writing to me."
"I meant every word of it."
"I know."
"I miss you baby."
"I miss you too, when will you come home?"
"I like that you call Escala home, before you I never thought to call it that."
"Home is where the heart is."
"Yeah it is. I'll be back on Friday evening."
"Hmm okay."
"What have you been up to?"
"I think you know what I've been up to." I laugh.
He chuckles. "You're a better storyteller than Sawyer and Prescott's bland security reports."
"I've been telling Sawyer to step up his security report game but he's stubborn... Monday night, Gail invited me over for dinner with the security team and I made them chocopots as a thank you. I went to the NICU yesterday during my lunch hour and Jose had a big fight with Phillip so he came over after work last night and we sat around like a couple of biddies gossiping about Val's sex life and then this evening I went to Pilates and now I'm here talking to you."
"That's quite an eventful week already Miss Steele."
"Hardly, Mr. Grey, one would think the world of Mergers and Acquisitions in New York would be far more riveting."
"I've missed that smart mouth."
"And it misses you."
"It was really mad at me before I left."
"It still is a little bit but I think it's my job to be a little bit mad at you all the time. Gotta keep up my standing in the girlfriend club otherwise I'll lose my membership."
He laughs out loud. I miss this Christian. Young, happy and carefree Christian.
"You're funny Miss Steele."
"I try, I try." I sass.
Thursday, March 12th, 2020
I couldn't sleep all night. Even after my call with Christian I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've been distracted because of it all morning. I feel uneasy. I let Sawyer know in the morning that I wanted to spend my lunch hour at the Seattle-Mason NICU again.
I get to the NICU ward and meet with Hazel. She's only works from Thursday to Sunday.
"Hi Hazel, I'm here to meet my little man." I giggle.
She gives me a small smile. "You mind walking with me, I wanted to talk to you about something."
I follow her into one of the empty nursing rooms.
She takes a deep breath and holds my hand. "I'm really sorry Ana, but Adam didn't make it through the night.
I feel my heart drop and my body go numb. No... No.. Please... no... he was perfectly fine when I saw him on Tuesday.
"B-but... he was fine on Tuesday... he was getting s-stronger..." I can barely speak.
"He developed respiratory problems early Wednesday morning and was struggling... " she looks down.
I nod as I try to keep the tears from falling.
"I know how much you adored him."
I nod again, unable to speak.
"Do you want to continue with you session today or do you need some time?" she asks me softly.
"I think I should come back later." My voice is thick and my heart is a mess.
She nods and gives me hand a squeeze before walking out.
I walk out and run to find the restroom and lock myself in one of the stalls.
Breathe, Ana. Breathe.
I can't.
I can't.
I bring both hands to my mouth to keep myself from wailing and sobbing out loud.
FLASHBACK
September 26th, 2008
When will this class end? No one is really paying attention. Mrs O'Leary, bless her heart is such a nice woman but she sure as hell knows how to make me hate history... and I love history. One more period till it's time to go home. Can it be 3pm already?
"Anastasia Steele, please report to the Principal's office." The speaker booms.
The class is suddenly filled with ooooh's and aahhhhh's.
I've never gotten into trouble like this. I quickly scan my brain for any possible reasons why I could be called over as I quickly gather my things but nothing comes to mind.
I run down the hallway and book it to the Principal's office where I see Dad standing by the welcome desk with Principal Moore.
I swallow.
"Is everything okay?" I ask trying to hide my nervousness.
"Your father is here to pick you up, Anastasia."
I look at Dad again and it's a worried look I've only seen when he came to pick me up from Vegas. I feel the hairs at the back of neck stand up.
"Come on, Annie. Let's go, I'll explain on the way."
I nod and give Principal a small smile and follow Dad to the car.
"What happened Dad?" I ask as he starts the car and pulls out of the school parking lot.
"It's Mama, she's in the hospital. She's not feeling well."
Don't cry, Ana. It'll be fine. Don't cry.
"Okay. She'll be fine right? It's nothing too serious?"
"Nita fainted at the middle school this morning. She wasn't feeling well." He gives me a small smile.
He's worried. If he's worried then something much really be wrong... but why come to pick up so late?
I start to recite some of the prayers Nani taught me. Mama will be fine. She has to be.
We get to the hospital and I find Nani in the waiting room. When did she get here?
I run to her and give her a hug.
"I missed you meri jaan." She holds me tight and gives me a smile. She has tears in her eyes.
"What happened Nani?"
"Your mama isn't feeling well"
"Is the baby okay?"
She looks to Dad and he nods to her.
"Aana, Mama wasn't feeling well and... the baby... well..."
"She had another miscarriage?"
Nani silently nods.
"I understand." I look back at Dad and it's the first time I've ever seen tears in his eyes. The past two times this happened, it was overnight and much earlier in the pregnancy and they'd be able to keep it from me till they were ready to tell me... this time is different. Nita just had her 12 week scan and everything was looking good but with this hospital visit... they can't really keep it from me.
"Come on, I'll take you home. We can make dinner. Your dad has to stay here with Mama."
"Can I see her please?"
"She's sleeping right now, meri jaan."
"We'll come back later this evening, I promise." She gives me a small smile.
I give Dad a hug and he kisses my forehead. "You're my girl of Steele, Annie."
I nod and walk out.
I don't say much on the car ride home. Benny drops us home and I go straight to my room and dig through my drawer for the plain white onesie I bought with my first ever $30 I got for helping rearranging Mrs. Lewis's collection of architecture books in alphabetical order.
I hold that onesie and cry.
I grab my little black journal that I had been keeping for Baby Steele and write. Each time Mama got pregnant I started a new journal. Writing little letters to hopefully share with Baby Steele once they were old enough. Recording little video and creating a memory book with pictures...
September 26th, 2008.
Dear Baby Steele,
Today we lost you. I never got to meet you but I miss you. I know you are in a better place. I just hope you know how much we loved you.
Whether you were Adam Raymond Steele or Aisha Sophia Steele, you were so loved.
Love,
Aanapa.
END FLASHBACK.
Authors Note:I will explain the personal thought process behind this chapter in the next one. If you have siblings, make sure you let them know you love them.
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - Chapter 53
Music:
Lullaby - Mree