Out of the Ash

by selfluminousbody

Four years after the ZA, Pippa Barnes works hard to build a future for her community and raise her family. When searching for provisions for her people, she encounters old flames in the new world and must face the people they've become, while fighting for what she cares about. Sequel to For You I Was a Flame. Negan/OC

25. Chapter 25

It's finally what we here at Halcyon call "winter solstice" which is the week where we celebrate whichever holiday we celebrated back before the world changed together. The whole week is spent in celebration in the form of gift-giving, cooking deliciously fattening meals, even sweeter baked goods, playing music, games, drinking spirits, and laughing in front of a crackling fire. The whole enchilada of what you'd expect during this time.

I'm happy to report that no one's let the whole upset over the Saviors going through our homes last week get in the way of their fun, which is all I can ask for. I've been given some gifts throughout the week, which is typical, except I was expecting to be on the naughty list this year after inviting the Saviors into our community. It's nice to know that despite people being angry with me, they don't resent me just yet.

Abel has been absolutely ecstatic. Both my kids like the holidays, but Abel's still at that age where everything is almost magical to him. That and he's excited over the fact that his dad will finally get to spend Christmas with us after years of me promising that it would happen one day.

Jolyon hasn't expressed anymore excitement than usual. I swear sometimes he thinks he's a teenager.

"Are you done yet?"

"Almost."

"You've been taking hours."

"I have not." I stab my sewing needle through another piece of popcorn.

"She keeps poking her fingers." Lourdes chuckles.

"You wanna do it?" I arch my brow. "Finish the tree."

"Can't do that without the garland."

"That goes on last."

"Come on, Mom," Abel says, "We finished ours this morning."

"Hey, yours is made of paper and glue."

"So?"

"So, mine takes longer and I have an itchy, peeling hand, thank you." I cut the string with my teeth. "Alright, there." I hold up the graland laced with popcorn and little wooden beads I pulled from Abel's old bead maze. Lourdes and I drape the garland around the small tree decorated with little ornaments we made out of gingerbread and little trinkets.

"Jol, can you get the door?" Lourdes asks after a knock.

"Maybe it's Dad." Abel speculates.

"Dad's not coming until tomorrow." I remind him.

"Wow." Nanda looks over at the tree. "Two types of garland."

"Isn't it pretty?" Abel smiles, not picking up on the sarcasm.

"It's certainly something," Nanda retorts, "Where's the tinsel?"

"What do you need?"

"Abel asked me to wrap this for him," She shows us the brown paper package under her arm, "I was just bringing it over."

"Thank you." Abel takes it from her and brings it over to the tree.

"What's that?"

"It's a present." He tucks it under the tree.

"For who?"

"For you and Lourdes to share."

"It's a scarf." Lourdes guesses confidently. "That, or a pair of mittens."

"No, it's not!"

"Socks?" Lourdes teases. "What else would we share?"

"Stop trying to ruin the surprise, Lourdes."

"Oh, okay." She chuckles.

"Thanks." I tell Nanda. "You and Rav coming over for dinner?"

"On Christmas Eve?" She makes a face. "Is that okay with your dude?"

"He is not my dude," I give her a look, "And try not to fumble your words around him, okay? It's embarrassing."

She flips me off before leaving.

"I can't believe she had a crush on him." Lourdes fixes an ornament that's sliding off the branch it was placed on.

I raise my brow at her. "Need I remind you that-"

"You don't, because it was different," She cuts me off, "I was an adult, not a student."

"Ookay." I look over the tree. "It does look a little overkill with two gralands."

"I like it." Abel comments.

"Well, I guess that's all that matters," I go back to the coffee table to clean up my mess, "Guess no one from Better Homes is coming any time soon."

"What time is it?"

"Quarter to four, why?"

"Oh, I got invited over for cornbread and chili later."

"Oh, who with?"

"Connor."

"K-i-s-s-i-n-g!" Abel teases her.

"Spell 'kissing', Abel."

"I don't know how." He says, unaware that his song was doing just that.

"Then shut your chili hole." Lourdes runs her hand over his head.

"You think we'd be imposing, if we came along?"

"Yes," She tells me, "So, don't ask."

"Aw, but I love chili and cornbread."

"So, make your own."

"I made a lasagna for tonight."

"So, eat it tomorrow and make chili for tonight instead."

"No, I'm too lazy to make a second dinner," I exhale, "I can always make it tomorrow, I guess."

"Hope you dude likes your chili."

"Stop."

"What? You make it hot," Lourdes sits on the couch, "A lot of people can't handle the heat."

"You know what I'm referring to," I glance over the tree again, "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't rib me for that anymore."

"I wasn't," Her arm dangles over the arm of the couch, "Is calling Negan your dude a joke?"

"It feels like it."

She looks up at me. "Why?"

I twist my mouth, still looking at the tree for any imperfections. From the window, I catch a glimpse of Martin. He's talking to Nanda in the middle of the street.

"Hey, Mom?"

"Hm?" I turn immediately from the window.

"Is Dad gonna spend the night tomorrow?" Abel asks me as he's swept in by Lourdes' arm.

"He's gonna stay the night."

"Cool."

Lourdes smiles very softly. "Are you excited?"

"Yeah," Abel says to her, "I never had Christmas with my dad before."

"Hm, well, you might want to make him sleep outside," Lourdes snickers, "Otherwise Santa's gonna fly right over this house."

"There's no Santa Clause, Lourdes."

She leans over and kisses his cheek.

"What are we getting him for Christmas, Mom?"

"A warm place to stay the night," I answer him, walking away from the tree by the window, "So, our generosity."

"That's not a good present."

"It was good enough for Mary and Joseph." I dryly murmur.

"We have to get him something."

"Trust me, the gift of hospitality is more kindness than your father deserves."

"Mom." Jolyon calls with a faint, sharp tone.

I look over at him and then Abel, whose eyes have grown into saucers. Lourdes gives me a condescending look. I sigh, touching Abel's head. "I'm sorry, Abel. I was only kidding."

"We have to get him something." He rasps.

"Um, okay, but Christmas eve is tomorrow, so that doesn't give us a lot of time to think it over."

"I know what we can get him," Jolyon gets up from his bed, "Come on, Abel."

"Where are you going?"

"To go get something for Negan."

"I meant details."

"I don't know," He shrugs on his jacket, "To look around."

"I thought you said you knew what to get him."

"Come on." Jolyon opens the front door, helping Abel put on his mittens before they leave. "We'll be back later."

"Before dark!" I call as he shuts the door.

"That was a little rude, Pip."

I look at Lourdes. "I was joking," I scoff.

"I know, but your tone was kind of biting."

"I have a biting sense of humor."

"You sounded like a bitter divorcée making a dig at your ex-husband."

"I said I was sorry. Good lord!"

"If you didn't want Negan to spend Christmas with us, then why didn't you say so?"

"Because he asked to spend it with the boys," I scoff again, "How could I say no?"

She shrugs so nonchalantly that I want to kick her out. "No sé."

Someone knocks on my door. "It's open!"

The door opens and Martin enters the house. I tuck some hair behind my ear, nervously off guard. "Oh, hey."

"Hey," He says before nodding to Lourdes, "Got a favor to ask you."

"Shoot."

"I got Ravinder for the secret gift exchange," He explains, "And I'm kind of on the fence about what to get her."

"Oh."

"I figured since you two have known her the longest, you'd have some clues."

"She likes plants," Lourdes answers with a shrug facial expression, "I mean, she spends all her time studying them."

"For medicinal purposes," I huff, humored, "She's studying to become a doctor."

"Get her an aloe vera plant."

"You mean the ones they've got in the garden behind the hospital?"

Lourdes gives a shrug. "Rav likes nerdy things. You know; plants, bugs, animals, books...she likes baking. Maybe you could get her an apron or something."

"Don't give her an apron," I roll my eyes, "She'll think it's sexist, but she'll be too nice to say so."

"Okay, expert, what would you get her?" Martin asks.

I think for a minute. "She's been reading a lot of theory and old Russian lit."

"So, a book?"

"Sure, but Rav's probably read most of whatever's here."

"So, no book."

"Not unless you can find something new and interesting."

"Well, what would you want if someone got you a gift?"

"What I would what and what Ravinder would want are different things," I shrug, "We're two different people."

"Okay then, what do you recommend I get someone when I don't know what to get them?"

"You're honestly telling us that you don't know Ravinder that well?" Lourdes chuckles.

"I do, but she's...you know, a kid."

"She is not."

"Are you gonna help me or not?"

"I think you should just do something nice," I tell him, "As long as you put thought into it, she'll like it."

"You think?"

"I know." I say rather confidently.

He smiles a little from the corner of his mouth. "Alright, thanks."

"Sure."

"Later."

"Bye."

"Bye." Lourdes greets.

"Bye, Lour." Martin shuts the door behind him.

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Lourdes quietly sings.

"What?"

"You really think he came here about Rav?"

"Yes…"

"He literally just asked you what you would want," Lourdes scoffs, "He played an old trick on you."

"Tch, he did not," I tinker with the tree nervously, "He was just asking about Ravinder."

"Oh, please."

"This isn't one of those cheesy ass Hallmark movies you used to like."

"Or maybe it is." She teases, softly smacking my hand off the tree. "Leave it; it looks great."

I walk to the kitchen, grumpy. "What about you? You and Connor are having a romantic dinner tonight."

"Chili is hardly romantic." Lourdes sits back down on the couch, "And we're not like that."

"Please." I roll my eyes in serious doubt as I get some water.

"I think you'd make a cute couple," She prattles on, inspecting her nails, "Even cuter kids."

I guffaw. "Yeah, right."

"You're only thirty-six; you could still have more."

"With Martin?" I raise my brow as I have a seat. "Did you forget about Negan?"

"No," She shrugs nonchalantly, "I just think that this long distance thing isn't working for you two."

I don't say anything. I just look off as I drink some of my water.

"See, you're not denying it," She points out, "And I can see how miserable it makes you everytime he comes around."

"That's because of the situation, not Negan." I half-lie.

"Okay, well, I would be glad if things could work with Negan, but I think that Martin is the better choice."

"Why, because he's here?"

"No, because he's not married to six other broads who he won't divorce," Lourdes counters, "And because you and him have feelings for each other that is basically undeniable."

"You only say that because you know we had sex. Once."

"And because I'm your friend, I've known you for years, and I can tell when you're happy and when you're not."

"I am happy."

"Are you?" She questions. "With Negan? Because it seems like-"

"I've got to wrap gifts, Lourdes, so if you don't mind..."

She looks me over before getting up. "I've got to shower before dinner anyway. See ya later."

"Yeah." I dryly reply as she walks out the door, leaving me alone.

…

The next day comes and the volume on my nerves is all the way up and the dial has broken off. Luckily, baking a bunch of cookies gives me plenty of opportunities to roll off some steam. Literally; I've been running over this cookie dough with my rolling pin like I'm mad at it.

"Mom, are you gonna make that sticky bread stuff?"

"Don't I always?"

"Yes, just checking."

"Just checking?" I sweep some flour from my forehead. "You are too cute, kid."

"When is Dad gonna get here?" Abel asks for the billionth time.

"What time is it now?"

"Um…I don't know," He shrugs, "I forgot which hand means what."

"Well, you just be proud that you know how to tell time two years ahead of schedule, pal."

"I can't tell time, if I forget the hands, Mom."

I chuckle, putting down the rolling pin in exchange for the cookie cutter. "You know how, you just have to remember the hands." I look over at the clock. "The little hand points to the hour and the big hand counts the minutes. So, what time is it?"

"Um…" Abel uses his hand to point, as if counting. "The little hand is on the four and the big hand is also on the four."

"So, it's four-twenty," I say, "You're dad will be here in less than an hour."

"Cool."

"Finish decorating those cookies."

"Mom, is Lourdes and the Patels coming over for dinner?"

"Yes, why?"

"Just asking."

I look at Jolyon for a moment. "Negan coming doesn't change our plans." He nods as he decorates with Abel. "We've always spent the holidays with them."

"Yeah, because we were on the road with them."

"That doesn't change things," I tell him, "We're family."

"Will we ever find Jol's dad, Mom?" Abel asks.

I stop what I'm doing. I look over. "What?"

"You said Jolyon has a different dad than me," He innocently reminds me, "Are we gonna find him, too, so he can be part of our family?"

My eyes move to Jolyon whose eyes are down at the table. "Um, well, Jol's dad lived far from here, so we'd have to figure out how-"

"My dad's dead."

The silence is as thick as the dough I'm cutting into cookies.

"He is?" Abel inquires. "How do you know?"

"Because I just do." Jolyon gets up from the table. "I have to go to Gemma and Kirk's. They said Negan's gift would be ready by now."

"Wait, I'll come with you."

"No, it's okay," He says, putting on his jacket, "I can go by myself."

I set down the cookie cutter as he leaves, then I pull of my apron and try my best to hastily dust myself off. "Get you coat on."

"What about the cookies?"

"Shit." I forgot about the batch in the oven. "Uh, they've got fifteen more minutes."

"I don't want to go outside."

"Then stay right there," I go to the coat rack, "But don't go near the oven, understand?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." I leave the house and right as I'm about to walk after Jolyon, I spot Connor. I whistle sharply and he takes notice, so I wave him over.

"What?" He exhales, sulkier than usual.

"Can you watch Abel for a minute? I've got to go talk to Jolyon."

"Is there a babysitting fee?"

"I'm baking cookies, you can have some of the ones that are ready."

"You got it, boss lady."

"Thanks." I pat his shoulder as I head after Jolyon. I tread quickly, trying not to run, but wanting to. "Jol! Jol, wait up!"

He turns when he hears me and stops. "I said I could go by myself."

"I know, but I wanted to see what you had Gemma and Kirk make Negan since you were so bent on keeping it a secret."

"Abel didn't blab?"

"No." I walk with him as he continues to head towards the potterers' shop. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm just getting Negan's gift."

I put my arm around him and bring him close as we walk.

"Mom," He groans, "I said I'm fine."

"I didn't say anything."

"I know what you're doing."

"Sneaking a peek at Negan's super secret gift?"

"I never said it was super secret; I said you'd have to wait."

"You take me for a rat?" I tease him. "I'd tell Negan just like that?" I snap my fingers.

"You can go home now; I know you just want to talk about Dad and I said I'm fine."

I stop us and have him face me. "Why did you say your dad was dead?"

"Because it's true."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he is," Jolyon says, "The last time he talked to me on the phone, before we lost contact, he told me he would find a way to make it here. That we'd see each other again."

"He did?" I furrow my brows. This is the first time I'm hearing of this.

"Yeah," Jolyon exhales, "But…" He looks off to keep from crying.

"But what?"

"It's a long way from Texas," He says, "If he did try, he's probably dead and if not, he's still probably dead. Over three-fourths of the world was killed."

"That doesn't mean anything." I put my hand on his shoulder. "Look at us and look at Negan. Look at everyone here and every one at the Sanctuary."

He shrugs. "We all got lucky."

"Luck has nothing to do with it."

"If luck has nothing to do with it than everything else we've done does," Jolyon says, "And Dad isn't like us."

I touch his cheek. "Your dad is out there somewhere, Jolyon."

"Okay." He replies shallowly.

"I mean it," I tilt his chin up, "Look at me; Eugene was one of the smartest, most resourceful people I knew and there isn't a doubt in my mind that he figured out how to survive. The road is long, that's true, but he'll make it here."

"What if he died trying?" Jolyon says, eyes glossy.

I exhale through my nose. "Then he died on his way to you, which means that he loved you."

He swallows. "That makes me feel guilty."

"Don't feel guilt, Jolyon. Feel his love, because it's there. He was a good father to you and he loved no one else than you."

He lowers his head, nodding. I put my arm around him again.

"You has Gemma make Negan a vase, right?"

"No." He sniffs, chuckling a little as we walk.

"A pencil holder?"

"Stop trying to guess."

"A mug?"

"Mom!" He laughs into the cold air.

I chuckle, too. We walk to the potterer's shop. Jolyon insists I stay out of sight of what he came to retrieve, so I do. I see Martin across the street, smoking a cigarette outside his house. I wave when he notices me and he waves back.

The faint sound of engines lowers my already meek smile. I peer down the road toward the main entrance. He's early and it sounds like he brought company.

"Okay, got it." Jolyon says, shielding the gift inside his jacket.

"It looks like Negan's here, so you better run home and wrap it real quick."

"Okay." Jolyon sets on for home while I head to meet Negan.

By time I get there, I spot three vehicles, one of which was driven by the Savior leader himself.

"Happy fuckin' holidays!" He cheers, with a smart alecky inflection. God, he's so annoying. This must be the Negan Lucille had to deal with.

"You're early."

"And a merry Christmas to you, too."

"Do you only have that one outfit?"

"Do you only have that one smokin' hot bod?"

"Not cute." I retort, looking over at the Saviors he brought with him. "I thought you were coming alone."

"I never said that."

"I figured it was implied."

"Nope," He grins, "You look pretty today."

I roll my eyes. I've got flour all over me and my bruises from my fight with Paula haven't completely healed. "Why did you bring them?"

"Because I don't travel alone," He says, "You mean to say that you do?"

"I have."

"Well, I guess you're braver than me," He wags his head, "I brought your people a little present as thanks for having us."

He moves to the side, so that I can see the Saviors unloaded crates of alcohol from the van that came with them.

"Alcohol?"

"Good times call for good booze."

"I'm an alcoholic, asshole."

"It's not for you," He scratches his head, "I got you something else."

"I hope it comes with a gift receipt."

"I don't think you're gonna wanna return it."

"If it's what I think it is, then I don't think I'm gonna be satisfied."

"It's never disappointed before," He quips, "I'm joking, I got you and the boys something. A real gift."

"I'm glad you admit your dick's no prize."

"Careful now," He leans close, "People will think we're involved if you keep talking dirty like this."

I roll my eyes at him. "The kids are at home wrapping your present."

"Aw, you didn't have to get me anything."

"I didn't, they did." I retort, "Now make sure your people mind themselves."

"Don't worry, I already gave them the talk before we left," He assures me, "They'll be on their best behavior. Tis' the season, right?"

I stare dryly at him, before my eye catches some of his men unloading long metal poles. "What are those?"

Negan turns. "Oh, that's my gift to the kids."

"Bars?"

"It's a bunk bed, genius," He snickers, "I had an extra one lying around. Figured since they liked the one at the Sanctuary so much, they'd like one at home, too."

"Or you brought it, so Abel would have somewhere else to sleep tonight."

"The kid needs his own bed and you know it."

I roll my eyes again. "Yeah, I suppose."

"You're welcome."

"It's not for me."

"No, but you now have your bed all to yourself because of me."

"Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back," I say to him, "Let's go."

"Hope you enjoy our festivities." Negan and I look over at Walter smiling over at us. "I saw to it that extra accommodations were made for your men's arrival. Assuming of course that you would bring them along."

"Well, how diplomatic of you," Negan replies, somewhat sarcastic, "Good looking out, Walt. You could teach Pip here a thing or two about hospitality even if you are, were, a shitty leader."

Walt's smile grows, possibly concealing the contempt of being called "shitty." He politely nods. "It was my pleasure."

"That was good of you." I thank him with an icy stare which he responds with a smile.

Negan and I walk on to the house. "Sweet guy."

"He's kissing your ass."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because he doesn't like me for taking over."

"So, he's trying to get in good with your old man?" Negan chuckles at me. "Seems a little strange, although he does give me creepy vibes." He raises his hand. "Feliz Navidad, Lour."

She rolls her eyes; a common habit when you know Negan. I wave her over and Cleo runs over in response. Lourdes holds up a finger, before going into her house.

When we get up to the house, I stop Negan from entering. "Hold on." I go in alone. "Is everything clear?"

"What?"

"Did you wrap the gift?"

"Oh, yeeah." Jolon holds up a crumpled brown paper with tape wrapped all over it and a twine bow.

"You needed tape and string?"

"The string was supposed to make it look nice." Abel says.

I exhale. "Okay, put it under the tree."

"Is Dad here?"

I open the door to let Negan in.

"Jesus, you left me to freeze my nuts off out here."

"Dad!" Abel runs over and hugs Negan.

"Hey, kiddo," Negan puts his arm around him, "Careful, your mom left me out there, so now I've got icicles hanging off me."

"Don't be such a baby," I scoff, "You were outside for thirty seconds. Besides, it's pretty warm out there today."

"Bullshit, there's snow on the ground."

"It's more like sleet."

Negan scoffs before taking a gander at our tree. "Wow, you guys really said there's no such thing as too many decorations, huh?"

"Shut up."

"Be nice, Mom."

"Alright, alright." I walk to the kitchen. "Finish your cookie decorating."

"Connor ate a lot of cookies while you were gone." Abel tattles.

"Shit, I can't see that." I huff, looking at the near empty plate of chocolate chip cookies.

"Your kitchen is a goddamn mess."

"I've been baking all day," I defend my messy kitchen, "It's a Barnes family tradition to bake cookies on Christmas Eve." The timer goes off for the cookies in the oven.

"Come on, Dad, you can help decorate these sugar cookies."

"Wow, I can tell the art program's been cut around here."

"I'm four."

Negan laughs. "Fair point." He comes over to where I've been baking. "I know you're miss independent, but you want some help?"

"You can help the kids decorate."

"Oh, come on," He begs quietly, "I'm a grown man."

"Could've fooled me," I smirk at his boyish scowl, "Oh come on; you're too big, bad and tough to decorate cookies with your kids?"

"Toss me an apron, I'll crack some eggs, or roll out the dough."

"Go put some frosting on a tree-shaped cookie." I nudge him when he exhales. "Do it for me. I like it when you're confident enough in your masculinity to dust sprinkles on a cookie with our kids."

"Don't be a tease."

"Oh, where's the fun in being nice?" I snicker up at him. "Come on, it's a turn on. Besides, you said you wanted to celebrate with the kids and this is what kids do."

He rolls his eyes. "Fine."

I watch as he goes to the table and sits beside our son.

"Alright, pass me a cookie."

"Which one," Abel asks, "We have trees, stars, stockings, and candy canes."

"Doesn't matter," Negan says, "Pass me a candy cane."

After I put the last batch of sugar cookies in the oven and slide the snickerdoodles onto a plate, I start dinner which I decided was chili and cornbread after all. Listening to the chatter between Negan and Abel, and Jol, once he's warmed up is honestly really cute. Leave it to Negan to make a competition out of cookie decorating.

…

We eat dinner at seven. Negan had the boys clear off the table and set it since the Patels and Lourdes confirmed they were showing up, despite Negan being here. I made him swear to be on his best behavior and not to embarrass me.

I wish I could say that the first few minutes of dinner weren't uncomfortably quiet, but I guess the girls don't really know what to say to their old gym coach. Lourdes has been pretty silent, too, which I'm not sure why; Negan doesn't intimidate her. Her eyes have been downcast most of the meal. And the kids are quiet because everyone else is being quiet.

I finally clear my throat. "So, Rav, did you get any gifts yet?"

She looks over, puzzled, before her brows exclaim. "Oh, yeah, Martin made me this wooden tool box thingy."

"A wooden tool box?"

"It looks like that thing." Nanda nods to the wooden box on the coffee table. It's got a handle and the kids use it as a holder for crayons and pencils and such.

"Oh, that was...thoughtful."

"Yeah, I can take some of my gardening tools when I go to look for plants," Rav says excitedly, "And the spaces are big enough for me to temporarily pot plants in to bring back to Halcyon."

I nod. "So, you like it."

"Yeah, it's really cool."

I nod again. Good job, Martin.

"You still bad at running?" Negan asks Ravinder.

Ravinder looks at him. "Uh...no."

"Good, 'cause you were always one of the last stragglers on mile day."

"I always made the minimum required time to pass." Ravider mumbles.

I look at Negan sharply. He clears his throat. "So, no boyfriends you two? Or girlfriends?"

The Patel's both grow rosy-cheeked. I kick him under the table. "Abel, stop feeding the dog scraps and eat your chili."

"I am."

"No, you're dipping your cornbread, but I haven't seen you pick up that spoon yet."

"It's too spicy."

"Whatever."

"You think everything is too spicy." Nanda laughs.

"That's because all of you make food too spicy."

We laugh at him. "Don't be such a wimp."

"Hey!" He cackles. "I'm not a wimp!"

Our laughter settles and it's quiet again.

"Who'd you get for the gift exchange?"

"Oh, I didn't participate this year," I tell Ravinder, "I've been so busy, I didn't want to be responsible for getting a gift for someone and not being able to put effort into it."

"That and you probably were afraid no one would get you a gift if they got you."

"Shut up." I roll my eyes at Nanda and she chuckles more. "Who'd you get?"

"Lisa."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I got her and the baby some stuff."

"That was nice of you."

"Well, that's the whole thing about the exchange, right? Plus, she's been having a hard time lately because it's Alice's first Christmas and Graham, well, you know."

"Right." I poke around my chili.

"You guys actually did a Secret Santa?" Negan scoffs, humored.

We all look over. "The Saviors don't celebrate the holidays," I inform the rest, "At least not as a community."

"Why not?" Abel asks his dad, before his dad can come back with a reply.

"We just don't." Negan tells him. "Not for any reason in particular; people just don't celebrate shit nowadays."

"That's sad."

"I guess, but it is what it is."

"So, there's, like, no celebrations at all?" Nanda inquires curiously.

"Last time there was any type of celebration was when I married my sixth wife," Negan takes a drink from the scotch he brought with him to the house, "Everyone got free dinner that night."

"How generous." I wrly say, staring at the glass in his hand. I feel like a fiend; I can smell the alcohol. "Ow!"

"Whoops, sorry." Negan says, spooning chili into his mouth.

I rub my ankle where he kicked me. It was a light kick, but it still hurt. "Asshole."

"It was an accident." He smiles.

"Yeah." I huff. My eyes move to Lourdes across from me. She hasn't said anything this entire time, or even looked up from her dinner for that matter. "Did you find a hair in your chili? Lourdes?"

She snaps her head up. "Huh?"

"Pippa asked you an inappropriate dinner question." Negan tells her.

"Oh, what?"

"It was a joke," I sneer at Negan before looking at her, "You okay? You haven't touched your chili."

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," She brushes me off, "I had chili for dinner last night, so I guess I'm not in the mood for it now."

I nod my head. She's definitely bothered by something and it's not Negan.

"If Lourdes doesn't have to eat her chili, why do I have to?"

"Because I didn't give birth to Lourdes."

Abel pouts, dipping a piece of his cornbread into the chili.

"That's a pretty cool bed you got there." Ravinder glances over at the bunk bed Negan assembled shortly after he arrived.

He was going to make his guys do it, but I insisted he do it. Well, actually, I said the both of us should do it, but the hotshot thought he could do it himself. Jolyon ended up helping him with some of it. He might have asked me, if I hadn't been egging him on the whole time I watched. Once it was built, two hours later, Abel was in awe. Jolyon liked it, too, especially since he knew he was gonna get top bunk.

"Yeah, Dad got it for us for Christmas."

"Cool." Ravinder nods, before looking to Jolyon. "Did you finish reading Order of the Phoenix?"

"No."

"Dude, it's been two weeks."

"So?"

"So, I'm rereading the series again and I'm almost done with Goblet of Fire."

"Not everyone reads three hundred words per minute, Rav." Nanda rolls her eyes.

"Three hundred is the average," Ravinder says, "I read seven hundred words per minute."

"My, oh, my." Nandan gasps mockingly.

"Shut up."

"Make me."

Ravinder looks Negan's way. "My sister used to have a huge crush on you."

"Ravinder!" Nanda gasps, this time embarrassed. She looks over at Negan, flushed. "That was a long time ago."

"Jolyon got an A on his spelling test." I blurt out, trying to spare her the humiliation. "He, uh, got all the answers right."

Negan's brow is raised at me. "Awesome job, Jol." He then looks at Nanda. A smile breaks. "And don't be embarrassed, Patel; a lot of my students had the hots for me."

Nanda looks mortified. I give him a look. Can he pick up on cues, or does he just ignore them?

"If it makes you feel any better, I would have never fooled around with any of my students. I'm not a creepy asshole."

Again, I look at him. This is what Lucille must have felt when she took him places; I'm sure of it.

"Like I said, it was a long time ago," Nanda looks down at her bowl, "It's irrelevant."

"Jesus, can we get through one meal without arguing?" Lourdes snaps.

"No." Abel mildly answers, which makes Negan start to chuckle. I glare at him and he shuts up.

Nanda keeps her eyes down for the rest of the meal. I'm empathize with her. It's got to be terrifying to have your old gym teacher know you had a crush on him, even if that was years ago. I'm just thankful that Negan didn't give her too hard a time for it.

Ravinder clears her throat, aware and regretful that she embarrassed her sister. "So, Lourdes did you get anything from you-know-who?"

"Why would I get anything from…" She glances briefly over at Negan's curiosity, "That person?"

"Because he's like your unofficial boyfriend."

"He is not."

"That's not what-"

"I don't give a shit what people say, Ravinder!" Lourdes erupts. "Him and I are just friends. That's it." She sets her spoon down in her bowl and gets up. "Thanks for dinner."

"Where are you going?"

"Home." Lourdes puts on her coat. She whistles for Cleo, who stops begging at the table and trots to the door.

"Are you gonna come over tomorrow?" Abel asks her.

"No sé, pero we'll see." She opens the door and leaves.

"So, anyone wanna dish who the guy is?" Negan says after she's left.

I exhale, before picking myself up. "No."

"Where the hell you goin'?"

"I'm gonna go see what's eating her."

"He's just a friend, weren't you listening?"

"No one talk to Negan until I get back."

I huff out of the house, following the path in the powdery snow that Lourdes made all the way up to her door. I knock on her door, which makes Cleo bark.

"Go away."

"Open up."

"Piss off!"

"You know I'll break in!" I call out to her. One of the windows in the front of Lourdes' house has a finicky lock that won't hold if you jimmy it just right. "No? Alright, I'm coming in!"

Lourdes' front door flies open as I move for the window. "Get in here!"

I go inside, ignoring Lourdes' grumbling as I pass her. "It's cold in here."

"Then go back to your house."

"Are you okay?" I ask her, petting Cleo. "You've been quiet all day and if you're not quiet, then you're snapping at people."

"Am not." She rolls her eyes.

"I saw you yell at Vera today."

"I didn't yell at Vera," Lourdes argues, "She left one of the trucks out without a cover and I was just telling her that it could rust."

I arch my brow. "You know how you said you know me better than anyone else?"

Lourdes huffs, not looking at me.

"Well, the same goes for me knowing you better than anyone, so stop pretending like something isn't up because I'm not buying it."

"Go home, Pippa."

"Is it about Connor?" I inquire. "I know you went over to his house last night. Did something happen?"

"No." She stubbornly claims.

"Lour." I press with a firm, but gentle tone.

She shrugs. "He just...made me uncomfortable. That's all."

I knit my brows. "Uncomfortable? What do you mean?"

The way she keeps her eyes avert from mine worries me. Lourdes does that when something's wrong to keep from crying, which she knows she'll do if she looks me in the eye.

"Lourdes," I beseech, concerned, "What happened?"

She swallows before shaking her head. "He got me two bottles of nail polish."

"Oh…that was nice."

Most of the nail polish you find nowadays has been long dried up, but we've got a lady here who used to make nail polish as a side hustle. From what I hear, it's not an easy process and she only has two containers of base, so she doesn't do it often which makes it a hot commodity and a nicer gesture than it would have been in the past. Connor must have had to trade an arm and a leg to get her to make two bottles.

"We were having a nice, pleasant meal," Lourdes goes on, becoming upset, "And then he…"

"He?"

She exhales, dropping her arms to her side. "He thinks we should get together."

"Oh, you mean like a relationship?"

"Yes," She scoffs. "He said that he really likes me and likes being with me and around me." She sighs as if it's so overwhelming to say all that in one breath. "He said he cares about me and that he's had feelings for me a long time."

I can't help but smile a little in relief. "Is that all?"

"Is that all?" Lourdes looks me over. "What do you mean is that all?"

"I thought maybe something happened."

"Something did happen, dummy! Connor wants me to commit."

"What's so wrong with that?" I cackle. "You like him, don't you?"

"Yes, but I don't think he's committed relationship material."

"Why not?"

"Because...I don't know, he argues with me."

"So?"

"So, I don't like being argued with."

"Are the arguments bad?"

"No, just, you know." She shrugs her shoulders. "He's a straight shooter."

Now, I look her over, puzzled. "So, you don't think it would work out because he isn't afraid to sass you back?"

She raises her brows in snotty confirmation.

I scoff. "You're such a liar; you like guys who challenge you."

"Do not."

"Oh, so you're telling me you'd rather date a guy who you could walk all over?" I chuckle. "Please."

"What?" Lourdes shrugs. "Maybe years of bad relationships have put me off guys with backbones. If you haven't noticed; I haven't exactly partnered up with anyone since Simon."

"Lour, the problem with Simon wasn't that he had a backbone against you, it's that he was a manipulative user who didn't respect you, and cheated on you."

Cleo barks up at us, wagging her tail as she sits.

"See? Cleo agrees with me." I pet her. "I think you're guarded because of what happened with Simon, but Connor is nothing like him. He really does care for you." I observe her stubborn body language. "I think you like him, too. You're just scared of getting hurt again."

"I just don't know that I'm ready to be in a relationship right now." She says, looking off again.

I nod my head before sighing. "Okay. I can't tell you what to do. And at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite; don't let past assholes have that much power over your future."

She nods, sniffing. "Yeah."

I smile faintly. "You should come back and eat."

Lourdes huffs. "Yeah, no thanks. That was fucking awkward as hell."

"You think I should have let the Patels skip coming over?"

"Uh, yeah," She says as if it's obvious, "No one wants to dine with their old teacher who's sleeping with one of their moms."

"I thought we weren't their parents."

"We kinda are, you just don't respect that they're adults who don't always need or want you henning over them."

We both laugh. "God, this dinner is awkward."

"Big time."

I sigh. "I guess I should get back."

"I'll drop in tomorrow," Lourdes lets me know, "I just wanna sit here with my dog alone for the night."

"Okay." I smile at her.

"What?"

I put my arms out. "Bring it in."

She rolls her eyes as she approaches me. She very briefly hugs me. "Feliz Navidad. Now, go; save the Patels from having to eat with that motor mouth."

As I exit the house to go home, I notice a man walking in a stroll-like daze. I only stop when I recognize who it is smoking and sight-seeing as he comes up the road.

"Hey, Dwight."

He looks over, bringing his cigarette away from his lips. "Oh, hey."

"I didn't know you came."

"Uh, yeah, I wasn't supposed to originally, but Negan wanted me to come along to keep the Saviors in line."

"Because he can't do it himself?"

"Not when he's taking a holiday, I guess."

I watch as he takes another drag from his cigarette. "They listen to you?"

He shrugs. "I am a leiutanent."

"And you have a knack for reasoning with hot heads."

Dwight looks at me, bewildered by what I said.

I shiver against the cold. "You used to talk me down whenever I'd get upset or angry."

"Oh." He nods.

"I'm glad you came."

"Why?"

"I don't know, just am; it's good to see you."

"Yeah, it's good to see you, too." He says with a little wryness I can't help but detect.

I bite my lip. "Hey, I know you don't celebrate holidays back at the factory, but for what it's worth; I'm sorry you had to spend Christmas here."

He shrugs casually. "It's just another day."

"I know, but Sherry…"

"Sherry and I aren't together anymore," He smokes, glancing over at me, "She's married to Negan."

"That doesn't mean you can't still care about her, or, I don't know, spend time with her."

Dwight scoffs. "That's exactly what it means."

I furrow my brows. "What do you talking about? I heard you two talking when I was staying at The Sanctuary."

"Yeah, in an empty stairwell."

I stare at him, scanning his non-expressive face. "You're telling me you are allowed to even speak to one another?"

"It could get Sherry in trouble."

My furrowed brows deepen. I suddenly recall Sherry asking me not to tell Negan that she had been talking to Dwight. Her tone seemed more concerned for him rather than herself.

"Why did she marry him if-"

The door to my house abruptly opens and right as I turn, both Nanda and Ravinder are walking out.

"Leaving so soon?"

"We're full," Ravinder says, "Thanks for dinner."

"I made cookies."

"We'll come back for them later."

"O-okay."

"Sorry, Pip," Nanda calls as she heads across the street, "But it's super weird eating with your baby daddy."

"Yeah, especially when he used to make us do push-ups" Ravinder says, sympathetically. "Sorry."

"He didn't say anything to offend either of you, right?"

"No, he was...polite." Her eyes look at my gaze. "Polite-ish. It's Coach Ne-, uh, it's Negan. He's not really good at not being rude."

I nod my head. "Have a good night. Come by in the morning; we got you each a present."

"Sure," Ravinder waves before following her sister, "Night, Pippa."

I watch as they go home for a moment, before I look back to Dwight. "I better go inside."

"Yeah," He faintly agrees, "See ya later, Pippa."

"See ya." I stand in place as he starts to aimless stroll. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

He turns. "What?"

I chew on the corner of my bottom lip. "Um, nothing. It can wait."

He nods. "See ya."

Back in the house, I find the boys clearing off the table while Negan appears to be doing the dishes. My body is practically shaking from standing outside without my coat on.

"Hey, Mom."

I go over to the table. "Leave my bowl. I'm not done yet."

"You might want a fresher bowl," Negan says by the sink, "Your chili's probably cold."

I pick up my bowl and walk it over to him. He takes it from me and gives me a clean bowl to scoop some chili in. "Thanks."

"Sure thing."

I snag another piece of cornbread and sit back down at the table to eat.

"Mom, we're gonna play Candyland." Abel informs me as Jolyon breaks out the boardgame.

"I'll sit this round out." I pant, trying not to burn the roof of my mouth.

"Dad said he'd let us win."

I peer skeptically over at the little dishwasher. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Your dad's a damn liar, Abel."

"Pardon me?" Negan turns off the water. "Did you just call me a liar?"

"I did," I blow on a spoonful of piping hot chili. "You know you can't let anyone beat you in anything."

"It's a boardgame," Negan tugs on the apron strings behind his back, "For players three and up. I think my pride won't be too badly chipped if I let a four-year-old make it to the Candy Castle before me."

"So you say."

"And what pray tell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know you're willing to cheat if things aren't looking up for you."

"How the fuck would I cheat at Candyland?"

I shrug. "I don't know, but you'd find a way I'm sure."

"How dare you call me out in front of my own flesh and blood." He tosses the apron at me which I catch.

"Hey, you could have knocked the bowl over!"

"Could have, but it didn't."

"Grow up."

Negan pulls back a chair and sits. "I think I'll sit this round out, too. Keep your mom company."

"I could use a little alone time."

"Well, that's too damn bad." He chuckles next to me. "So, what was that all about with your gal pal? I tried to squeeze it out of the Patels, but they didn't budge and Nanda told that one not to spill the beans."

I briefly glance over at Abel, whom Negan's referring to.

"So, who's the guy and why the hell is his identity so goddamn hushedity-hush?"

I blink back to Negan, before looking down at my chili. "None of your business."

"Really?"

"Yeah, so drop it."

"Fine," He exhales, "Must be some guy to get Lourdes all up in arms."

"Negan."

"Alright, alright." He stretches his arm out to my chair.

…

After several rounds of Candyland accompanied by cookies and milk, I put the boys to bed around nine o'clock. Jolyon needed no goading, but Abel was too excited to sleep, so I had to sit with him on the bottom bunk. I read him a few pages from a book and then tried not to smack my head on the top bunk as I rose to go to bed.

It started snowing outside which would normally be somewhat magical, if there wasn't a bunch of hooting and hollering outside. People really like their booze this time of year. And it looks like the Saviors are getting along with some of my people.

"Jesus, your bed is fucking soft as fuck." Negan complains, reclined on my bed with his boots off. "What's your mattress made out of? Mashed potatoes?"

I snort. "What?"

"It's soft and lumpy," He shifts around, "Why the hell is it so springy?"

"I'm still trying to process that oddly adorable thing you just said," I chuckle, softly closing the door to my bedroom, "It sounded like something my mom would have said."

"You know your mattress is supposed to be firm, right?" Negan says, ignoring me. "It's better for your back."

"I like my mattress," I say as I change out of my clothes, "I'm a side sleeper anyway."

"Yeah, but you do spend a lot of time on your back."

I guffaw incredulously. "Really?"

"Are you gonna stand there and tell me I'm wrong?"

I touch the end of my bed. "I'm more of a top these days."

"Funny, all I recall in my most recent memories of lovemaking is you under me."

"First off, don't call it lovemaking, grandma, and two; I was on top of you the last time we did it."

"Yeah, because I moved us." He grins. I arch my brow, unamused and he laughs. "Face it, you like being under me."

"What sort of taunt is that?" I scoff, continuing to undress. "Also, you get really sweaty and you're pretty hairy which is not a good mix, so I think not."

"Could have fooled me."

Frustrated, I turn to look at him, naked all except for my underwear. As much as I love him, I absolutely hate that cocky ass smile of his. I slip off my panites and pad over to his bedside. He takes my hand and I straddle him.

I look down at his somewhat softer grin as his hands roam my body. "How do you know I'm not just lulling you into a false sense of security?"

"If riding me is how you manage that, then by all fucking means, lull me."

"I mean, how do you know that this isn't just some ruse to make you think I'm cooperating with everything you've asked?" I touch his belt. "That I'm not using sex to pull the wool over your eyes?"

"Sex as a strategy?"

"If you know how to control your opponent then you should." I meet his inspecting gaze. I get off of him, slipping my hand from his when he holds on. "Or, I could just be desperate to rekindle what we had before the change."

"What we had before was adultery."

"Yeah, but it was love as fucked up as it is," I slip on my Lorelei's t-shirt and peppermint-striped flannel pajama bottoms. "I never minded that you were on top most of the time. I liked draping my arms around you. I liked feeling you in my arms."

"You don't now?"

I go to the windows to close the curtains. "I do, but it feels political now."

"Political how?"

I stare out the foggy window at all the people across the street who are laughing indoors behind windows and warm light. I close the thin white curtains. "Nevermind. Let's just go to bed; the kids will be up early to open presents."

I put on some socks and go to the bed, sliding under the covers as I turn off the lamp. Negan sits up for a moment to take off his scarf, belts, and leather jacket. He tosses both toward the end of the bed and, I swear I'm not lying, adjusts his baseball bat which has been resting against the night stand as if to make sure it's comfortable. He then lays back down on his back with a groan.

He looks over at me as soon as he's comfortable. "What?"

"Nothing." I roll onto my back, sighing through my nose. My body rumbles as he moves in bed. "What?"

"Nothing."

"You're staring at me," I open my eyes and turn my head his way, "What is it?"

"Nothing, I just...feel like an asshole."

"What's new?"

He smiles briefly. "I don't want you to feel like being with me is some kind of peacekeeping."

I look him over.

"I love you, Pippa," He says, "I want you to feel like you did before."

I roll my head forward to stare up at the ceiling. I sigh again, before reaching out to comb my fingers through his hair. "I can't feel like that anymore. The past is the past."

"So, the ol' spark is gone?" He asks in a way to seem like he's trying to be funny but can't hide being saddened.

I look back over at him. "No, it's not gone. Our new normal is just...diplomatic."

"Well, I don't want it to be that way." He takes my hand from his hair.

"We have this conversation every time we're together," I say, "And every time we come to the same conclusion or promise that things will one day be better...that, or we end up arguing."

Negan doesn't reply but his eyes seem much sadder.

"Neither of us want to bend for the other," I go on, "We live a hundred and forty miles from each other. It just seems like we're doing this for the kids...and to keep things civil which hasn't exactly been working."

"So, what? You think we should call it quits?"

I look back at him. I think about what Lourdes said. Negan stares at me, waiting for my answer. The expression on his face reminds of a night we shared years ago; a night that still appears vividly in my mind whenever I come to think of it.

I breathe through my nose and take my hand from his. "No."

"Then what?"

"I don't know," I shrug, "Let's talk about it tomorrow. I'm tired; you embarrassed me tonight at dinner, even though you promised you wouldn't."

Negan snickers, still a little mopey about our conversation. "You should know by now I'm an asshole. An asshole who means well, but an asshole nonetheless."

"Why are you so shitty at talking to people?"

"Excuse me, I happen to be a great conversationalist. People just don't get my sense of humor."

"What sense is that? Taking the piss out of people until they feel so uncomfortable or annoyed that they don't want to talk to you?"

"It's not my fault people don't know how to lighten up and take a joke."

"How would you like it if I bullied you with my smart mouth?"

"I think you know I'd fuckin' lose it." He retorts. "About ninety percent of my attraction to you is your smart mouth."

"Yeah? What's the other ten percent?"

"I'd tell you but you'd probably slap me."

I arch my brow at him, before rolling my eyes. "My legs and my ass."

"You've also got great tits," Negan adds, "Your face is okay, too." I scoff into a laugh. "Right now you're a little bruised up, so that's a bit of a boner killer."

"Shut your fucking mouth."

His laughter settles. "You're also one of the strongest people I know. Smart as hell on occasion."

"On occasion?"

"You have your good days."

"Again, shut the fuck up."

"Hey, you asked."

"You're right, I should know better by now." I chuckle.

He smiles. "You know, not to sound all gushy or whatever, but I don't think I've ever been more proud of someone like I'm proud of you."

"I'm waiting for the punchline."

"There's no punchline," Negan says, "You are tough as they come. You gave birth to our son and then carried two kids, four if you count the Patels, Lourdes and a dog to this place, which you then took over and made them stronger."

I turn my head against my pillow to look at him through the dark. "You don't know what I've done, or...who I became to make it this far. To keep them alive for this long."

"No, but who I see now is a fucking force to be reckoned with who cares about the people she leads." Negan says. "I've come across a lot of leaders and I can tell you none of them ever measured up to you. Never had my respect like you do."

I feel the emotions start to rise with my breath. I swallow. "You can't know what I would do for this place and the people I care about."

"I think I can." He replies steadily. "I love you, Pippa."

I search his face in the dark. "I love you, too, Negan."

He extends himself, nearly over my flat body, so that he can kiss me. I touch his face as he deepens the kiss. I breathe as he touches one of my breasts.

"Stop." I open my eyes and gaze up at him when he stops. "Not tonight."

Negan nods his head and lays down beside me. We both lay there on our backs in silence for a great while. Negan's hand brushes against mine and locks our fingers together. I squeeze his hand as I breathe, closing my eyes and trying to ignore the raw pain in my throat.

---

Thanks for reading! I know this was probably an anti-climatic chapter, but I was working on finishing up my undergrad and time got away from me. But, within the next chapter or two, things are gonna start to hit the fan. Spring is almost upon them and if I'm not mistaken, that's when the Saviors start having problems with Alexandria.

CLTex: Yeah, Pippa's connection with Negan is a total benefit, but I think it's also a hinderance to her, or perhaps will be. She has allowed things to happen that she might normally fight back, as well as lied to people about the nature of the "deal" she has with Negan. Martin is currently the only person who knows the full extent of the danger Halcyon is in with Pippa bringing the Saviors in. I think Pippa is trying to do what she feels is safest, but ultimately she did go out searching for the Saviors and now has to face all or any consequences of finding Negan.

Lya: I'm glad you like Martin! I wanted him to be sort of a balanced character for Pippa while Negan is or will be problematic for her. I'm looking forward to fleshing him out more as the Halcyonian/Savior relationship starts to crumble. As for Dwight, he will appear more and more, but as for their affair from the past, I don't think it'll reappear. At least not sexually. With Eugene's eventual return coming up, I think that there's just too many men as potential love interests for Pippa, so I'm trying to stick with Martin and Negan for now. But, I'm sure it's no spoiler that Negan will eventually learn that Dwight is the guy Pippa was there's bound to be some drama there :)