Chapter 25.

Jack had taken Cas to the kitchen, with an offer of coffee. He felt better as soon as he had him off the hillside where he always went to brood and worry. He was still distant, wearing his damp coat like a suit of armour and hiding somewhere deep within.

"Do you still hear angel radio?" said Cas.

"Yes. Why?" said Jack.

"I could, when I lost my grace. It's a good sign. It means you're not all the way human." He raised a placatory hand. "Not that I have anything against humans. I just want you to get your grace back soon."

"Don't worry. I know you respect humans. You respected my mother and you love the Winchesters."

"I grew to love your mother too. She had strength and courage I have rarely seen before." said Cas. He sounded wistful and sad. Then he said, "Why are you making coffee for me, Jack?"

"You said yes when I asked if you wanted some."

"Why did you offer? You should be ... "

"Resting? Everyone wants me to rest. I don't need to rest. I need to do something!" He realised he was raising his voice and calmed down with an effort. "Coffee is something I can still do, so let me do it."

Cas lowered his head. "I'm sorry. I should understand better than anyone. I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts ... "

"You're the least selfish person I know."

"Dean gave his life for you."

"I hope not." said Jack.

"I'm not blaming you, just saying, that's selfless."

"Okay, you and the Winchesters. Have you called Jules? You should call Jules and Sarah."

"No, I shouldn't. I have no good news to give either of them."

"And you're only allowed contact with them if you bring good news?"

"They need to hear good news." said Cas.

Jack poured the coffee and put a cup in front of Cas, who raised his head and smiled his thanks.

"Isn't a relationship supposed to include the good and the bad?" said Jack.

"You're not much of an expert on relationships." said Cas.

"No, I'm not, but I know they love you and I know it feels wrong, you hiding from them like this."

"I'm not hiding. There are things I need to figure out, that's all. I don't want to drag them, or anyone, through all my thinking."

"You still have doubts about Jules?"

"I never had any doubts about Jules."

"I mean your feelings for her."

"No. I don't doubt those either. Drink your coffee."

"I just ... "

"Don't." Cas drank some of his coffee, but it felt as if he used the cup as a shield.

"Sorry. I'm trying not to make things worse." said Jack.

"Everything will be fine, Jack. Things work themselves out."

"Could I ask you something not connected to Jules?"

"Please do."

"What's the most fun you ever had with Sam and Dean?" said Jack.

Cas put down his cup and smiled. "That's a difficult one. Although we've had some dark times, there has been a lot of fun too. Some of the best times were with Bobby ... real Bobby ... our Bobby. You'd have liked Bobby."

"I do like Bobby ... new Bobby ... other Bobby."

"Well, the real thing was pretty hard to beat. Expert on the lore, best liar I ever knew who wasn't a demon or an angel or a deity. A good man."

Jack could tell that Cas was becoming melancholy again. "You were about to tell me about the fun you had."

Mary walked in. "Oh, I heard voices and thought maybe Sarah was here."

"Why would she be?" said Cas, rising to his feet.

"Her car's here. She must be talking to Sam."

"Her car's here?" said Cas, "I should go. I need to ... I have to look for signs of Michael. I think I'll drive around for a while."

"Castiel," said Jack, "She'll know you're avoiding her."

"She already knows that." said Cas.

"Please, don't go." said Jack, "I worry that you'll never come back."

"You don't trust me?" said Cas.

"I trust you. I don't trust that look in your eyes. Cas, I'm scared. Everything I believed in 48 hours ago is gone, except you and Sarah. And now, it seems like I have to choose between you, when all I want is for you to talk to her so she can help you through this."

"There is no this." said Cas.

"Then what do you have to think through?" said Jack.

"I know this is difficult to understand ... "

"It's not." said Mary, "You don't trust any of us. You stayed with us because you trusted Dean and now that he's gone, you don't wanna be around the rest of us."

"That isn't true." said Cas.

"We're all in pain, Castiel." she said, "We're all missing Dean. We all feel like we let this happen and we all hate ourselves for it. I hope Sarah can talk to Sam, because he can't talk to me. Jack here is the only one who seems to want to talk to me and just having him around helps. We're family. We should stick together. It's what Dean would want."

"I don't care what Dean wants." said Cas angrily, "Why should I? He promised he would never say yes to Michael ... to any version of Michael and it was a lie, like every other promise anyone ever made to me."

"Dean felt he had no choice."

"Dean had no choice." said Cas, "But I did. One touch would have put him to sleep. He couldn't say yes to anyone unconscious, could he? I knew what he was going to do. I knew and I did nothing. I sacrificed your son for mine. To save Jack, I let Dean throw his life away."

Mary looked at him. Jack carefully moved between him and the door.

"He promised." said Cas and the depth of his pain was audible in his voice.

Mary touched his arm. "Did it even enter your head to zap him into oblivion?"

"No." said Cas, "Not at the time."

"Then this was not a decision. This was not in any way your fault."

"Tell that to Sam."

"I don't think Sam would ever think to blame you." she said gently.

"Castiel," said Jack, "Could we go someplace quiet and talk about my grace?"

"What about Sarah?"

"If you really don't want to talk to her, I don't think she'll try to force you. If you leave here, feeling the way you feel, I won't be able to stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen."

"Let's go to the archives." said Cas, "Mary, if Sarah is looking for me, tell her I'm very busy with Jack and will call her later."

"And will you?"

"Nobody else keeps their promises. Why should I?"