I'm going to try and get one more chapter out until I go on holiday (if I go on holiday). My goal was to have it completed by then. Given everything going on at the moment, it's just been difficult to find time to get writing done. Let us see what happens.
Carson stood with his eyebrows raised in shock. They were like small angry caterpillars, bent into an unusual arch as he listened. The hairs on his neck stood on end like tiny soldiers, rising to salute the passing breeze that seemed to move over his skin. The contents of his stomach twisted and turned, sloshing against the sides like angry waves. Everything within him was reacting in one innate response. In his head, he tried to control the emotions writhing around him like a snake that was rearing its head to strike. Carson was generally a calm man that could keep himself steady and not react to situations. The most he would usually get like was a bit short and irritated, but that would pass once he caught his breath. This scenario rocked him to his core.
Robert stood with a bemused look on his face. Everything about his stance, posture and facial expression signalled to Carson that he was not happy. The struggle on his face showed that he was conflicted with what he was trying to say. The man that he had worked for over the years was unhappy. Carson felt disjointed and on edge as he tried to rationalise the situation.
"I just don't understand how you would think this would work, Carson. You of all people, who follow propriety as if it were your Bible, would walk down this unbeaten track." Robert lifted his head upwards and closed his eyes, seemingly to have a hard think.
Carson had recoiled at his words. Throughout his working years, he had been proud to be the one that ensured things were completed correctly. There was a perfect way to do every task. There was a path to follow to get to the correct destination. It made him feel like he was a disappointment to not only himself but to his employer. Carson knew that it was something he couldn't help because he had found something in his life that he could not ignore. To Mrs Hughes, he was not a disappointment. The love that Carson felt for her was not a disappointment, and yet he still felt like one at that moment. What was he meant to do? Everything in his life had accumulated to the single most beautiful moment he had ever experienced. Mrs Hughes had told him something that he had never thought that he would hear. Years of feelings that he had squashed and tried to ignore had been able to break free. This emotional freedom had made him feel liberated, happy and calm. Both Downton and Mrs Hughes were his world. The best of all of him. They both resonated within him like the chime of a bell. They made his core. They were him. When the situation he was in at that moment had started to unfold it had left him feeling so unbelievably sad.
"It's no good, Carson. We just can't have the both of you at the helm. I don't want anything to jeopardise the status of this home. It's why often commanding officers are separate. Things need to remain objective. I know you could argue about Anna and Bates, but their roles are not as important I'm afraid to say. I'm sure you of all people can understand?" Robert's eyes seemed to plead with Carson. It was if he wanted Carson to justify and agree with what he was saying. It was if he was trying to make himself feel better because he knew that he was telling him something hard for him to hear.
Carson did understand. The part of him that walked the line that his job dictated was nodding aggressively. The other part of him that felt so emotionally tied to the family, and to Mrs Hughes was shaking its head with such ferocity that it almost made him feel dizzy. Carson knew that it was a question that needed an actual answer, but the words did not formulate quickly in his mind. The air in his throat seemed to expand and prevent him from making a sound. So he stood like a rabbit in a spotlight with wide apologetic eyes. The contents of his stomach began to bubble and spit as they tried to break out and into his oesophagus.
Robert eyed him carefully. It was as if he was taken back by the lack of response. So, as any person would, he filled that gap with more words. More reasons. More justification. "In all honesty, I'd rather lose Mrs Hughes above you. I think the best way for this to work is for Mrs Hughes to give up her position and we keep you steering at the front. I see it is the most logical way. It's the way that makes sense. We owe you for a lot and you have served us well for many years so I don't want it to be you."
Carson felt himself break out into a cold sweat. It was nerves. It was him trying to control himself and come to terms with what was unfolding. Why had he allowed a part of him to think that the relationship he had with Mrs Hughes would be accepted? It was wrong of him. It was ridiculous. The idea of Mrs Hughes losing her job through no fault of her own was enough to make him close his eyes and push down the rising nausea that was increasing by the second. The thought of not having her by his side every working day. Why did he have to choose? That question was the side of him that wanted to believe that everything was going to be ok. That part of him was like a teenager rebelling against conformity for the sake of love. It was the part of him that he had thought he had buried a long time ago. In all common decency, he could not move forward with allowing Mrs Hughes to lose what she had worked so hard towards. The number of houses nearby that she could work in was almost non-existent. At least not to the level of skill that she had. That meant she would have to travel for work. That meant that he would see her less than what he wanted and needed.
As Carson began to rationalise his approach, his ears closed off to the sound of everything around him. In his mind's eye, he pictured her staring back at him when they had some time to themselves. It was the stare that he had never realised was one that meant more than he had ever thought. It was love. The evenings in each others company, the sly moments they got during the day to catch up, the brushes, the smiles and the overwhelming feeling of happiness. Carson could find work nearby. It might not be anything worthy of his skill set. At his age, and with everything he had saved, it was enough to keep him going. It was enough so that he could be with her as many hours of the day that he could muster. He could allow Mrs Hughes to get another job and use their savings to make up the deficit, but he knew he could not let that happen. He would not allow Mrs Hughes to downgrade herself for the sake of their relationship.
Carson took in a deep breath of air. Then he sighed and moved his eyes to lock with the man standing before him. "My Lord, it is with deep deep regret-"
Robert's eyes instantly grew wide and he lifted his hand to stop the sentence from moving any further. "Carson, think about what it is you're going to say before you say it. I beg you."
Carson looked up to see the worry mixing in with the disappointment. It was no use. Mrs Hughes was the best thing to happen to him in a long time. Over the years they had moved into something special, and he knew that it was his last chance. She was the one for him. Mrs Hughes was his world. "It is with deep regret, My Lord, that I offer you my resignation. If this is the only option, then I can not move forward with a clear conscience in allowing Mrs Hughes to lose her post. I can spend time with whoever takes my post to ensure that things are done correctly. I will do whatever it takes."
The air went still.
"Then so be it."
It echoed around him like he was standing in a vast and empty room. The temperature around him dropped to the same bitter level it was when he had been out in the woods. Something inside him snapped as if the words that had been spoken to him had broken something big inside. The words were so final. They were so real. Carson reached out to take hold of whatever it was that he had in his periphery. As his hand took it in a strong grip, it vanished, and he felt himself fall. He tried to yell.
Carson's eyes opened with a start, and he shot up into a sitting position as he tried to focus on the space around him. In a moment of temporary disorientation, he couldn't quite figure out where he was. It took a second of him blinking and steadying himself before he was able to familiarise himself with the room. It was still the hospital. The hammering of his heart in his chest made him lift his hand to his body so he could feel it pulsating under his skin. It hammered hard as if it was trying to break free. The contents of his stomach gurgled like the sound of water swirling down a drain. It had only been a dream, a horrible and gut-wrenching dream.
When he rationalised he felt the worry evaporate from his muscles. They had tensed up throughout his tired body, almost to the point that they hurt. It was if his body had been ready to feel the impact of the bottom of the hole that he had felt himself fall down. The anxiousness that he had felt at hearing his employer speak that way hadn't left. He knew that the feeling would never truly leave now until he was able to find out what the family thought about it. There was going to be that small slither in him that thought that it would not end well. There was a reason he had dreamt it in the first place. It must have been something in his subconscious that had awoken at the conversation he had had with Lady Mary, not all that long before.
Carson reached up to touch his neck, a tickling feeling moving down his skin as a bead of sweat traced itself towards his chest. As his fingers reached up he could feel that his whole neck area was slick with sweat. It was as if he had been running. There was a small hand towel at the side of his bed, and so he picked it up and began to dab at the back and sides of his neck and chest. With his other hand, he went to wipe at his brow and he could feel that it was wet as the ground on a gloomy and drizzly morning.
What time was it? Searching with his eyes he tried to pinpoint the face of a clock. It hadn't even been 30 minutes since he had come back up to his room. Once he had got himself settled into his bed he must have nodded off for just a moment. It had been enough though for his mind to play out the horrible scene in his head. The days being cooped up in the hospital had left him feeling out of sorts, his body clock being thrown into absolute chaos without the routine he had worked to for many years. He was tired. He felt drained. It was as if the dream had sapped whatever energy he had been able to recoup over the days gone by. It had been one of the first times in many years that he could feel how emotionally drained he had been. The worry when Mary was missing. Seeing her in that sorry state in the woods. Having to hold her whilst she broke down and then trying to reason with her to get her back on the track to recovery. Then everything with Mrs Hughes. Emotional exhaustion, he felt, was a different level of tired. It was not something he was used to. Being idle in the hospital didn't help either, because had no other choice but to let his thoughts move around his brain. The distraction that his book or conversation with Mary was a welcome break.
In the distance, he could hear the echo of voices coming from down the hall, and his ears pricked up as he tried to figure out who they were coming from. It could be several people. Just in case they were heading in his direction, he got the towel and gave himself another wipe down so that he could look somewhat presentable. It was always good to be prepared, and so he tried to be as he sat expectantly. If the voices were to pass him by, it wouldn't matter.
"I tell you, it was most unusual," Robert said, coming into view with Cora by his side. Her arm was looped through his and they both stopped talking as they looked into the room. "Carson, my dear fellow!" Robert boomed, striding quickly over to where Carson was.
Even the sight of Robert made something within him twitch. It was a subconscious reaction to something that hadn't even taken place in the real world. Carson scrambled up to his feet, flinging the covers unceremoniously to the side so he could stand to attention. "My Lord."
Robert wanted to tell him to get back into bed and that he wasn't working. This was a visit of friendship and not service. However, there was something that he wanted to do that would be easier and with a greater level of respect if it was done standing. Robert reached out with his hand, his palm flat and facing to the wall. He looked Carson steadfast in the eye.
Carson looked down at his outstretched hand and felt his heart begin to beat harder and faster, adding to the quick tempo it had adopted after his dream. Instantly he felt pride. Lord Grantham wanted to shake his hand, and this was a stark contrast to the behaviour he had exhibited in his dream. Carson lifted his gaze to look him in the eye, and he reached out to take a firm grip. They shook hands.
"Thank you, Carson. There are no words that I can use to express what you have done for this family. You were determined, you persevered and you found Mary. I fear that it may have been too late if you hadn't stuck it out and stayed by her side. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you, and so, I am in many ways, in your debt." There was a sparkle in Robert's eye and he smiled. It was a genuine and heartfelt smile. Robert Crawley was an emotional man. Some thought it was a detriment to his character, but to many others, especially those who served him, it was the complete opposite. The man showed compassion and loyalty when others in his position would be nowhere near as human and kind.
Carson squeezed and firmly shook his hand. Then he slowly shook his head. "No, My Lord. I did what I did, and I do what I do for the family. It wasn't a part of my job that lead me to do what I did."
Robert and Carson shared a knowing gaze. Robert knew that Carson loved his daughter. Carson knew that Robert knew that too. "Yes. Well. We are thankful for that either way. Again. We are in your debt. If there is ever anything that you need please do not hesitate to come to me. We are lucky to have you, Carson. Truly."
Cora stood in the background with a smile on her face. "We are ever so thankful, Carson."
"Ah, Good Morning." Dr Clarkson said as he walked into the room with a smile on his face. "I was just coming to see Mr Carson."
"I hope it's good news?" Robert queried, turning his head to watch as the Doctor moved closer to where they all were.
"Yes, I'd say so actually. I'd like to have a moment with Mr Carson if that's ok?" Dr Clarkson smiled and waited courteously.
"I'm more than happy for you to talk openly, Dr Clarkson. Especially if it is good news."
Dr Clarkson made eye contact with both Carson and Robert and then lifted his clipboard. "Everything seems to be going well. You've not shown any signs of any lasting ill-effect from the head injury. I believe that you're well on the road to recovery so I would say that you are in a position to leave the hospital tomorrow."
"Oh, jolly good!" Robert roared happily, raising his hands in the air as he did. "It will be wonderful to have you back."
"That means Mary will come back home too," Cora said with a smile on her face. "It was kind of her to wait until you were well enough to go back, Carson."
"Yes, My Lady," Carson replied happily. "I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things I must say."
"You won't be the only one I believe. It will be good to get Mrs Hughes back into her usual role." Cora moved over to Robert and took his hand. "Wonderful news," she grinned.
"Now, I would give it a few days before you start working again. Even then, I would take it easy. Just ease yourself back in. I'm sure you agree, Lord Grantham, that we don't want to push him too hard?" Dr Clarkson raised his eyebrows with a knowing smile.
"Of course! No, we can sort something out. It'll just be good to have everyone home." Robert squeezed Cora's hand.
"I do advise that you come back down here after a week so I can examine you. If you feel anything unusual come back straight away. Look out for double vision, issues with memory, increased pain in and around your head. That sort of thing."
"Yes, Dr Clarkson. Thank you." Carson felt relief in knowing that he was going to be able to go back to familiar surroundings. It was going to be comforting to know he was going to be back under the same roof as Mrs Hughes, and that Mary was going to be heading back with him. In his mind and heart, he hoped that this was going to be the end of the turbulence, that he was going to see a true smile on Mary's face someday soon. The mountain that he had to climb with Mrs Hughes around their relationship, with the family and with the world was potentially going to be tough. It was something they needed to discuss and traverse together. At that moment he pushed the unease in his stomach that the dream had dislodged to one side and let himself feel happy in the fact that things were going to be better.
"We better get in and give Mary a quick hello before we set off." Robert lifted his hand and placed it on Carson's shoulder. "I mean it. We are so blessed that you were able to bring her back to us, Carson. If there is anything you need. Just ask."
Carson nodded. "Yes, My Lord."
"Right, we best make a move. We shall see you tomorrow. I'll send a car up to come and collect you both. I'll get the arrangements made once we know what time you'll be out." Robert's smile was broad as he took Cora's hand again. They were both eager to put aside the days gone by, and they both had the same feeling of relief coursing through their veins. They walked out hand in hand with Dr Clarkson lagging just behind them.
Once the room was empty, Carson took a seat back on the bed. He felt a genuine rush of relief that he was going to get to go back to his home. Although it wasn't his home, it was the only place where he had ever felt the pull and connection to keep him there. It was a comfort to him. The people that walked the halls, the people that lived there and the people that served them were all in an amalgamated version of a family he never had. Not only that, but he wanted to be close with Mrs Hughes once more. The privacy they could have in the hospital was one part that he knew that he was going to miss because there wasn't anyone around that would have anything to say about anything that they did. But he had missed being busy, he had missed the structure that his job offered to his day, and he missed being able to get stuck into the tasks at hand. Knowing that Mary was going to be going home also made him feel happy, but also slightly on edge. In his mind, he knew that the Abbey offered memories of pain, of sadness and of happiness that she didn't have any more. If they were both going back together, he knew he would be able to keep an eye on her like he always did. As he had told her, he would do whatever it took.
As he sat thinking about everything, he pictured Mrs Hughes for the hundredth time that day. What he wanted to do, and couldn't wait to do, was wrap her in his arms. The idea had burned into his thoughts over the years. Now he could do so because he knew that it would be greatly received. Carson wasn't a naturally affectionate person, but he knew that she had ignited the desire for the human connection within him. The life he had lived had been rigid. The times he had shown it were times when he had been required. It was rarely ever returned to him. It still took a lot for him to realise that he had a road ahead of him where he could have that. He could have someone genuinely want to return that affection. Everything felt new and raw, and although he knew that there were things they needed to talk about, he felt excited. He felt alive. He felt like the next chapter in his life was going to make up for everything that he had missed out on over the years. What he wanted more than anything was to keep his world intact. The dream, or nightmare really, had made him think that potentially he was going to have to split the perfect little world he could have in half. That was terrifying. Whether the chance was as small as a grain of sand or not, it was still a possibility. What he wanted was Mrs Hughes as his wife, working by his side so he could continue the mission and life that he had lived so far. The fear of the unknown was difficult to swallow. It had to work out. It had just had to.