Chapter 30: Secret Pain

"Adrien!" Meredith said in shock as she stood there. Derek looked over at her with raised eyebrows.

"What the fuck? What the- I can't believe this!" He said as he spun around.

She stood there in shock. She liked him. She loved him. She loved Adrien. She loved Derek. She loved them both. And to choose was hell. To be forced to choose was torture. To see the hurt in his eyes was painful. She couldn't do this. She couldn't leave it this way.

"Adrien! Wait! It's not what you think!" She yelled as she watched him begin to walk off. He stopped and turned on his heel.

"If it's not what I think... Then what exactly is it?" He asked as he stared into her green eyes.

"Um..." Meredith said as she stood there. His heart was beating a million times a minute. She was scared. Terrified even.

"Don't lie, Meredith. We had sex." Derek said frankly. "Hot sex."

"We- I- I-" She gasped as his eyes got wide.

"I- I never expected this. Not from you..." She said as his eyes started to well up and he walked angrily down the hall.

"Well, that was awkward..." Derek said as he stood there. Meredith's anger boiled. She was beyond angry. She was irate.

"Get out! Get out!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Her tears began to fall as she pushed him out the door, nearly knocking him down. "He didn't deserve to find out that way. There were other ways..." She screamed as she looked at him standing out in the hallway in his boxers.

"Mer! I- I need my clothes." He finally said with a sigh.

Meredith rushed into the bedroom and gathered all of his clothes up in her hands. She rushed back to the door. He was still standing there when she opened the door. She threw them angrily at him and slammed the door shut.

Derek stood there in shock. He was wrong. She was wrong. She should have broken it off with him. She should have told Adrien. But at the same time, she did claim to love the annoying little Frenchman. And he shouldn't have said it. He shouldn't have told him. There were ways of getting out of the mess they had created. More lies could have been created. But instead he sabotaged it. He sabotaged her and himself. It was jealous. Jealousy took him over. So, there he stood, dressing in the hallway as Meredith's neighbor walked by.

"Rough..." He said with a chuckle.

"You have no idea." Derek muttered as he buttoned his shirt.

He could hear her stomping around inside the apartment. He needed his keys. He needed them and he did not want to ask for them. He stood there at the door, contemplating what to do next. He stared at the door. Finally, he heard the stomping come closer. The door opened and she whipped his keys at him.

"Meredith!" He said as she looked into her fiery eyes.

"Fuck you, Derek." She said as she slammed the door.

She ran into her room and began hastily picking up the used condoms that had been carelessly thrown on the floor. She could feel it. The end. It was the end of everything. Lying always gets you in the end. And now she had gotten it full force. Everything she loved and cared about has slipped through her hands like sand. She lost it all. And now she was back to square one. Now she was alone.

The stress was too much. As she reached down to grab the last condom, her back seized up. It was tight, wrenching. It took her breath away. She collapsed on the floor. She couldn't move. The pain was too bad. She couldn't physically do it. And emotionally, she didn't want to.

"Mer!" Mark yelled as he walked into the apartment.

She wanted to yell. She wanted to scream. But she was at that point. She had been breathing slowly and shallowly for an hour. Or what she assumed to be an hour. Adrien hadn't come back. And she didn't think he would. And Derek. At the moment, she didn't want him to come back.

Mark walked around the apartment. In all the rooms. She wasn't there. He knew she had back problems the day before. He knew that Bailey had insisted that she take a few days off to rest. And yet, she wasn't there. She was missing. He glanced in his one room, not seeing her. After a few minutes, he walked farther into her room, seeing a foot. Just a lonely foot, connected to a broken body.

"Oh my God!" Mark said as he rushed to her side. "Mer..." He said as he looked into her eyes.

"Hurts..." She whispered as she looked up at him.

"What hurts? Your back?" He asked.

"Everything." She said as she closed her eyes.

Everything. What the hell had happened to her? He rushed into the kitchen and grabbed a muscle relaxer and a pain reliever. Grabbed a glass of water he walked back into the bedroom and helped her sit up. He watched as she sipped the water and laid back down. He gently scooped her up and laid her on the bed. She laid on her stomach as he rubbed her back.

"Mer..." He said softly.

She laid there with tears in her eyes. She felt like everything was crashing. Like she couldn't hold on. Mark wasn't doing it right. He wasn't making her feel better. She needed Derek. She wanted Derek. Or Adrien. She needed someone. But now she had no one.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I fucked up. I fucked up and now I'm alone." She said as she started to shake.

"Oh Meredith." Mark said, having a faint feeling about what she was talking about.

"I'm alone." She said as she sobbed.

"You're never alone. You have me." He said as he looked into her green eyes.

"I just wanted to be happy. Just a little bit..." She said as she rolled over and closed her eyes. Mark grabbed a throw blanket and covered her up. She needed to cry, and he needed to leave her alone. At least for the moment. At least until he found out what happened.

She stayed in her apartment for two days. Two days of tequila. Two days of muscle relaxers. Two days of being dazed out of her mind. Two days and no one called. Not her mother. Not Richard. Not Derek. Not Adrien. Then a week at work. No one. No one noticed her. She had been isolated. Set aside. She knew she deserved it, and yet it hurt. It hurt to be cast off. To be left.

She had expected the rumors to have spread. They didn't. In fact, they were nonexistent. Adrien had actually been a good guy. He didn't say a word. Nothing about Meredith being nearly caught in the act. Nothing about Derek answering her door in his boxers. Nothing about Derek rubbing it in that they had sex. Nothing. It was as if nothing had changed. And yet, so much had.

"How's your back?" Mark asked as he stared at the board.

"It hurts." She said with a shrug. And that was the truth. Her stress came out in her back. And it was full force.

"Do you need more time off?" Mark asked as he looked over at her.

"Time will do nothing." She said sadly. "I made my bed." She said as she walked away. "Now I have to lay in it..." She muttered. She glanced up at Derek as they passed in the hallway. No acknowledgment. No words were said. No emotion. Nothing.

"What the hell was that?" Mark asked as he looked up at Derek.

"What was what?" Derek returned as he looked at the board.

"The total lack of communication." He said as he nodded at Meredith walking down the hall with her head down.

"She's not talking to me." He said frankly. "And I'm not talking to her." He said under his breath.

"What the hell happened? You guys were fine. Adrien was fine. Everything was fine..." Mark said as he looked at his friend.

"Nothing was ever fine." Derek told him. "She can't have it all..." He said as he shook his head and walked away.

He hustled down the wall, seeing her doubled over in a deserted corridor. His first reaction was to rush over and help her. But then the stubbornness kicked in. He walked over to her and looked down.

"I need an intern." He said coldly as he pretended that she wasn't in pain.

"Car- Carter." She said as she straightened her back out, hand on her stomach.

"Where is he?" Derek asked quickly.

"Pit." She said as she gasped for air.

"Page him. Tests need to be run for room 319." He said as he turned on his heel and walked away.

"Derek..." She said in desperation.

"I don't want to talk to you. Get off your ass and do your job. Page my intern." He said as he continued on.

She took a deep breath and had Danny Carter paged. She looked down at her watch. She was hungry. She slowly made her way to the cafeteria and sat in the corner with her tray. She looked down at her tray, feeling as if everyone was watching her. Judging her. She took a bite of her peanut butter sandwich and glanced up at the line, seeing Adrien. They made eye contact and she quickly dropped her head.

Adrien looked over at Meredith slouched in the corner. She looked just about as bad as he felt. He felt as if he had been torn apart and organ at a time. And yet, as he laid in bed alone each night, he missed her. There was a piece of him missing her.

"Hey..." Lexie said as she sat down in front of Meredith.

"Hello." Meredith moaned as she took three squares of her Hershey bar and shoved it in her mouth.

"So, you've been... Absent." Lexie said as she picked through her salad.

"Mmm." Meredith muttered as she looked down.

"What's going on with you and Adrien?" Lexie said as she looked between them both. "I haven't seen you two talking at all."

"It's over, I guess." Meredith said as she began shoveling in Cheetos.

"What!" Lexie said in shock. "What do you mean, over?"

"Long story. Over." Meredith said as she fished through the other packages of chips and cookies, finally opening the double chocolate chunk.

"I have time." Lexie said with a smile.

"And I don't." Meredith replied as she ate.

"What is going on with you? You're eating a bunch of crap." She questioned.

"I like crappy food. And I'm hungry." Meredith retorted.

"Comfort food." Lexie nodded affirmatively. "You need a night. We need a night."

"I'm not in the mood." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"For tequila? You're always in the mood for tequila." Lexie said frankly.

"In my bed. I like tequila in my bed. And that's where I'll have it tonight. In my bed. Alone." Meredith said as she grabbed her tray and walked off, dumping her food in the trash.

"Someone's bitchy." She said with a giggle as she watched Meredith walk away.

Adrien watched as Meredith walked away. She looked so irritated and depressed. Then he looked at Lexie. She was so blissfully ignorant. And then it hit him, it hit hard. He remembered the night at the restaurant. The night with Derek and Meredith.

"The woman. You said you were in love with someone else." Adrien said.

"Oh yes..." Derek said with a smile. "She's amazing. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Her smile makes my day better. No matter what has happened, one look at that smile, and I'm a new man. And she's smart and honest. She is perfect in every way." Derek said with awe.

"She sounds amazing..." Adrien said with an understanding smile. "How did you meet?" Adrien asked with raised brows.

"We met at a party. She was avoiding someone. She stumbled into my lap. It was all over from there." Derek said.

"Wow. I didn't realize you and Lexie went to parties." Adrien pointed out.

"Oh... Oh no. I didn't just meet her. No. We met over a decade ago. Things happened. We lost touch. It was no one's fault. But it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. And now I just want to move forward. With her."

Move forward with her. No way. Not Meredith. She would have told him. She wouldn't have deceived him. She said it wasn't what it looked like. It was all a coincidence. He was overreacting. Maybe it was a one-time lapse in judgment. Derek was getting divorced. Maybe he seduced her. Maybe there was no sex. Maybe he had made a mistake, walking away. He quickly walked to Lexie.

"How is she?" Adrien asked as he walked over to the table.

"Bitchy." Lexie said with a big nod. "What happened?"

"It's a long story." Adrien answered as he sat down with his coffee.

"Funny. That's exactly what she said." Lexie said with a nod. "She's miserable."

"Miserable?" He repeated.

"She just looks sad. Alone. I even tried to get her to go out. She said no." Lexie said sadly. "I think she's fallen back into her old trap... Falling asleep with the bottle in her hand..." She said with a frown. "But what can I do... This is Meredith we're talking about. Secretive. Sad. Holds it all in. Secret pain..."

"You have a point there." Adrien said as he stood up. "I have to go." He said with a nod.