Leo entered Terra's room and softly closed the door behind him, still mulling over his thoughts. But when he looked up he saw that Terra had removed her cape and arm warmers and was busy arranging the haphazardly discarded floor cushions by the fireplace, her silhouette surrounded by the warm, orange glow of the fire. He relaxed his shoulders and fingered at the clasp on his jacket. She looked so reassuring and open... there was nothing to be intimidated about here. Just be honest and forthcoming and everything will be all right.
He made his way towards her, sliding his uniform jacket off in the process and neatly folding it over his arm. He placed the folded jacket on the chair and leaned his sword against it, then turned to find her seated on the pillows in front of the fireplace, patting her hand on the cushion next to her and smiling invitingly up at him. The yearning in his chest from before bubbled back to the surface and his legs carried him to her side without him even consciously instructing them to do so, wobbling a little as he set himself down on the pillow beside her.
Leo held her gaze momentarily, then automatically reached out his arm to hover behind her with a moment of hesitation. This was okay, right? They were at the point in their relationship now where he could just sit next to her and pull her into an embrace without anything needing to be said, right? He was still so woefully inexperienced with a relationship ever getting this far emotionally that he wasn't sure.
Terra only smiled and leaned towards him to rest her cheek against his neck, taking the initiative to wrap her arms around him first and hug him firmly. His arms found their way around her a split second later, holding her tightly as he took a deep breath through his nose. The mental wall that he'd spent all evening desperately attempting to maintain to spare the children from his internal struggles began to falter, but... that was the express point of this. There was no one here he had to keep up appearances for anymore, and he could just... be the whole of himself and all the baggage that entailed.
He slid his hand up her back to her shoulder to secure her, then collapsed onto his side onto the pile of pillows in front of the fireplace. Terra let out a squeak of surprise, but quickly gave him a gentle squeeze to indicate that she approved of it. He curled into her, moving his other hand to her lower back to pull her more flush against him. As his disorganized thoughts began to spill out from where he had been keeping them restrained, she was his anchor: the one thing he could cling to that he knew was real, right, and good.
For some time they laid there in silence, the only sound being the crackling of the fireplace and the muffled melody of the record continuing to play on the other side of the door. And yet those soft and soothing sounds were nevertheless sufficient to compete with the cacophony of troubling thoughts that were all demanding recognition now that he'd let them out. Their implications still stung, but... after his interactions with Terra and the children today he felt like he was more equipped to deal with them.
Letting out a wavering breath, he finally whispered, "Thank you... for being so accommodating for me tonight... in more ways than one. I apologize for any distress my behavior may have caused."
Terra rolled slightly onto her back so that she could look up at him, reaching up to trace her fingers along his jaw. "Leo... I do understand that you're still trying to come to terms with everything so I can't fault you for that. I guess... I was mostly just bothered that you were being so hard on yourself." She slid her hand up to hold his cheek more fully and said, "You said that just being able to talk through your thoughts helped you get them in order when we were going to negotiate with the shopkeeper in Jidoor. If you need to talk about what's bothering you now, I want to be here to listen."
"Mmh..." he agreed, bowing his head and nodding his cheek into her hand. "I have so many regrets vying for attention in my head that perhaps it would be prudent for me to retrace my steps to understand where I might have gone wrong." With a slight sigh and an attempt at a smile, he suggested, "It won't have as happy an ending as the one you told, but would you care for a story?"
Terra nestled into the crook of his arm. "A story doesn't have to have a happy ending in order to be worthwhile. Plus, yours isn't even over yet. Wasn't that basically what that last song in Orco e Delphina was saying, too?"
Leo blushed and smiled genuinely this time, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "You are turning into a regular musical connoisseur." Terra giggled as he rested his cheek on top of her head, gazing into the fire. "All right, a not entirely happy, but still worthwhile story..."
He was silent a moment trying to decide how far back he should start. What beliefs and incidents drove him down the path he eventually took? What decisions had he made that made things go so spectacularly wrong by the end? He wasn't even entirely sure himself, but... starting from the beginning and putting things in order would likely help the both of them understand him better.
"When... I was a young child, my mother was raising me by herself," he began. "She didn't have any steady source of income after my father died so we often had to rely on the generosity of neighbors for food and basic living supplies. She was always so grateful for it, and taught me that I needed to be grateful for the people around me as well. And certainly I was... but I also felt like a burden so long as I was only taking those resources but providing none in return. So I became self-sufficient at quite a young age, and would regularly go work for those neighbors in order to repay them for their generosity.
"And by doing so, I found that I enjoyed helping them, even when there was nothing I was actively repaying. I wanted to join the army like my father so that I could work to serve all of them at once and also earn income for the household, but the minimum age for enrollment at the Academy was 12 at the time, so that was still a distant dream.
"However, when I was 10 years old, Emperor Gestahl was coronated and declared an immediate and massive expansion of the military, lowering the enrollment age from 12 to 8, and the age of first active duty from 18 to 14. Oh, I jumped at that opportunity, and gained a deep personal admiration for the Emperor for allowing my dream of supporting my family and fellow citizens to come true sooner than I had anticipated.
"I remember distinctly my first day of lessons, seated with the other children in my fresh Academy cadet uniform..." He smiled warmly at the memory. "But I also remember that first lesson being what really started changing my view of the world. The instructor asked us, 'What is the most important building in Vector?'" He looked down at Terra and queried, "What do you think?"
Terra blinked in surprise, not expecting there to be a quiz as part of this story. "Oh! Um... probably the palace, right?"
Leo chuckled, "That's what I thought, too. But the instructor told us, 'The most important building is actually the water pumping station.' It was what moved life-sustaining resources into the city, and due to needing to be exposed to the outside, was also much more vulnerable to attack. The Emperor was our spiritual cornerstone, but our resources were our physical foundation, and we couldn't be so focused on protecting one to neglect protecting the other. Without the water the pumps provided, or the coal to drive them, our city would die.
"And it was over the course of these lessons that we were taught how the Empire was the most technologically advanced nation on the planet and therefore required an increasing supply of resources from neighboring countries, which they were sometimes reluctant to provide. And I distinctly remember the instructor saying, 'If they refuse to give us the resources we need to survive, it means that they want us to die, and any action taken to liberate those resources from them is an act of self-defense.'"
He swallowed and looked contemplatively into the fire. "Thinking back on it, our lessons painted a rather disparaging picture of the rest of the world. Doma had refused to join the technological revolution and was culturally and technologically trapped in the past. Jidoor put all its efforts into the liberal arts rather than 'useful' trades such as science and weaponry. Figaro was a rival technological nation that was too arrogant to trade its secrets with us and was likely hiding something dangerous and subversive. Their failings meant that those resources simply went to waste in those countries and were better off with us where we could put them to the best use. And as an impressionable pre-teen who was eager to please and had never ventured outside of the city, I took this at face value.
"The takeaway from all of this being that if the rest of the nations of the world were converted to fall in line with the Empire, we would have a stable supply of resources and there would no longer be any need for conflict." He bit his lip and shook his head. "And that... made a lot of sense to me back then. Those countries and city-states wouldn't cooperate with us because they simply didn't understand our needs, but if we brought them our technology and culture, not only would they understand and open up to us, their lives would be improved as well. So when I heard that the city-states of Tzen and Albrook had been conquered, I celebrated along with everyone else."
He gave Terra a slight squeeze and parted his lips in silent thought a moment before continuing. "It was in my third year of the Academy when a new term began floating around the instruction hall: Magitek. There were rumors that the Imperial science and technology department had acquired a special breed of... 'monster'... whose powers they could extract and enhance our own soldiers and weapons with. When our instructors finally confirmed this, they said this was undeniably a good thing, as they equated the 'monsters' in the laboratory with the monsters that roamed the countryside, and anything that would put them to use to better our nation was a step in the right direction, to which I... also agreed."
He let out a breath and amended, "At least... until a year later, when rumors began circulating that the first test subject for Magitek infusion, a man named Kefka Palazzo, had been physically and mentally scarred by the procedure. I began to think... would infusing ourselves with the powers of monsters make us monsters ourselves? In response I began to increase the intensity of my physical and mental training to prove both to myself and my superiors that a human could reach the same aptitude all on their own without the need of resorting to dangerous experimentation."
He paused here to look down at Terra to see if she had any comment. She traced her finger lightly along the path of the dog tag chain around his neck and said, "You... were acting on incomplete information. So I don't want to form an opinion on your actions until I hear the entire story, either." She swallowed and cautiously added, "To be truthful... it does hurt to hear you refer to Espers as 'monsters', but... you didn't know any better at the time. You were just going off what you were told." She herself had initially been distrustful of everyone in the Empire based only on the Returners' comments, after all, which she knew had hurt Leo as well. It was only after meeting him in person that she corrected herself and apologized, which Leo had also already done for her regarding the Espers.
"Thank you for hearing me out..." he said, nuzzling the top of her head. "Up until then my view of the world came solely from the words of my instructors, but when I turned 14 I was officially inducted into the army, with my starting rank as private first class due to my exemplary performance at the Academy. I was immediately shipped out to Tzen to aid with keeping the peace. It was my first time out of the city and I was nervous about dealing with people from another country. Would they attack me? Would we even be able to communicate with each other?
"But when I arrived, I discovered that... if it wasn't for the uniforms, I wouldn't have been able to discern the people of Tzen from the people of Vector. And that's when I came to the realization... these weren't foreigners, but new Imperial citizens, and I should be treating them just like my neighbors back home. So it was distressing to me to witness my own fellow soldiers intimidating and abusing the people of Tzen when the entire point of bringing them into the Empire was so that they would work with us. And it was equally distressing hearing the people of Tzen call the Empire 'evil' when to me, the Empire was the families and neighbors just living their lives back home, and I couldn't fathom how that could be considered 'evil'.
"And thus I quickly attempted to set myself up as a mediator. I didn't want to disrespect my senior officers, however I also didn't want to disrespect the people of Tzen. I wanted to honestly listen to both sides and try to find some mutually beneficial resolution to their conflicts. And in many cases, my approach was actually successful. But there were a few times... where some citizens refused to engage diplomatically, stating that they would rather die than join the Empire. And so when they forced us to come to blows... they did just that..."
He looked at his hand mournfully. "I had to make the decision whether to side with my fellow soldiers or the resistance fighters of Tzen who refused to cooperate. And I chose my fellow soldiers, naturally. But that meant that those resistance fighters died by my hand. It was the first time I had ever killed anyone..." He clenched his fist and choked. "I hated it... It was such a waste of life... they could have gone on to contribute so much more, and I couldn't understand why they would choose to throw their lives away instead... Why was being part of the Empire so terrible that they would rather die?"
With a sniff, he continued, "Nevertheless, my efforts did manage to win a significant number of people to our side. My skill for diplomacy quickly caught the eye of my superiors, and I was promoted directly to second lieutenant and sent to other occupied regions to continue to glorify the Empire to those who were dubious and win over converts.
"And... I was highly successful at it. The people I interacted with became fond of me, volunteers for our ranks swelled, and I quickly rose through promotions as the number of soldiers requesting to serve under me continued to multiply. And I considered that to be proof that I was doing the right thing. I was making allies, making people happy and comfortable, making them eager to work with the Empire... I was going to help unite the world as one cooperative nation.
"But... I soon discovered that the more people I had relying on me, the more there were who would suffer the consequences if I were to ever falter or step out of line." He released Terra and sat up, rubbing his hands over his face and gazing into the fire. Terra felt a sudden chill at the loss of his touch and was tempted to latch onto him again, but abstained from doing so just yet and instead sat on the pillow beside him, absently rubbing her arm.
He let out a long breath, then finally continued, "When I turned 18, I was summoned back to Vector. There, I was informed that the Magitek infusion process had reached a level of maturity that infusions had become compulsory in order to 'secure the nation's future'. And that now that I was an adult, I had full legal authority over everyone under my command, and that I was to use that authority to compel them all to receive Magitek infusions, myself included."
He shook his head. "I vehemently refused. My direct peers and subordinates suggested we band together in a formal protest, and while I was reluctant because it was starting to sound like a coup or even a revolution, we found ourselves with an unexpected backer: Kefka."
Terra gasped in surprise. "Wait, Kefka was... on your side protesting against Magitek infusion?"
"So it seemed at the time..." he responded, a hint of bitterness in his voice. "With our numbers and Kefka's direction, we were able to storm the Magitek Research Facility to demand a policy change, but what we discovered inside was..." His lip trembled and he bowed his head. "... Rows of large glass capsules containing an assortment of what appeared to be monsters... and one containing a young girl..."
Terra hunched her shoulders meekly while Leo clenched his fists and shook. "I demanded the head of the facility explain himself, and he told me not to be deceived, because while the little girl in the capsule may look human, she was just as much a 'monster' as the others..." He inhaled through his teeth. "I didn't believe him. Just like how the citizens of Tzen and Albrook looked just like us but people called them 'foreigners' and deemed they should be treated as inferiors, here, too, I could not accept it... I threatened to make their actions public, but then... someone used some form of magic on me... a Sleep spell perhaps... I never knew what precisely happened.
"However, when I came to my senses I found myself before a military tribunal. They informed me that I was to be executed for treason... and murder. It seemed that the head of the research facility had been found dead and they placed the blame on the protesters. In the power vacuum that had ensued... Kefka... had assumed command of the facility."
Terra made an uncertain choke. "That sounds like... Kefka enabled you to lead that protest... so that he could take control of the facility and let you take the fall for it..."
He pursed his lips. "At the time I could not even comprehend a fellow human behaving in such a reprehensible manner so I refused to entertain the notion. But... in hindsight I believe your assessment is likely correct.
"But..." he continued, "It seemed there was mass unrest among the ranks while this was going on, with entire battalions protesting my punishment and demanding not only my reinstatement, but my promotion. I was afraid that I truly had sparked a revolution. I desperately didn't want any more of my countrymen's blood spilled because of me.
"And yet when all hope seemed lost, I had an unexpected source of salvation: the Emperor himself. He intervened in the tribunal and declared me to be... an 'indispensable asset' to the military. Therefore, he agreed to pardon me, rescind the compulsory infusions, and allow me to serve as a general."
Leo shook his head, his eyes watering. "The Emperor was my savior when I was struggling to support my family, and here when the lives of myself and my fellow people were in jeopardy, he was my savior again. I swore my lifelong loyalty to him then and there, but requested that he make public exactly what was going on in the Magitek Research Facility. To this... he decreed that the army and the Magitek Division were separate entities, and that my position as General of the Army gave me absolutely no jurisdiction over the Magitek Research Facility and that I was to never interfere in its affairs again. And if I ever did... the two branches would again be merged, my pardon would be rescinded and I would be executed, my subordinates would all be forcibly infused, and... Kefka would be left in charge of both branches..."
He blinked back tears as he turned to face Terra, the firelight shining in his eyes. "Could I risk all that just to save a caged little girl that I had only barely gotten a glimpse of? I... I couldn't... I'm sorry... I know you have said you have forgiven me for it, but I still can't..."
Terra sat up on her knees and leaned over to hug him tightly. "Leo... I do forgive you for that, and I hope someday you can forgive yourself, too... And now knowing more of the details, I think I would have been... repulsed... if you sacrificed all those people just for me. You... were essentially being held captive just as much as I was."
"You are very kind, Terra," he replied, reaching his arm around to pat her back but not fully embrace her. "However... as you observed, Kefka gained control of the Magitek Research Facility... and you... thanks to those actions. Actions that stemmed from nothing but a selfish desire to not undergo an infusion." He leaned back and looked her in the eye. "Is that... worth what followed?"
Terra looked down in uneasy contemplation. She certainly thought he had the right to refuse, but how far did that right extend? If people died because of that decision, was he still entitled to it? This was... something she didn't feel like she yet had the experience to decide. All she could think of was, "I guess... it sounds the same as the people of Tzen who fought to the death against joining the Empire. Was that wrong of them...?"
Leo stiffened with a choke in his throat. "N... no, they were fully within their rights! I didn't understand that at the time, but..." He sagged his shoulders and returned his gaze to the fire. "I had been blinded by single-minded devotion to my country and my view of its goals. I considered myself to be the purveyor of aid, of improved technology, infrastructure, and governance, lifting up nations that did not have the means to effectively use their resources to better themselves. I understood that we were imposing ourselves on other people, but I naively assumed that if it was for what I believed was a worthy cause... that it was still permissible."
He looked at the floor contemplatively. "But your observations are quite astute, Terra. The Magitek infusions were touted to us as a means to improve ourselves and our country... but I felt they came at the cost of my own efforts, identity, and autonomy, so it was only natural for me to fight back. And it wasn't until I lost my memory and was able to view the war from an outsider's perspective that I understood that those resistance fighters had only been doing the same."
Terra leaned her head against his shoulder. "If you saw yourself as a purveyor of aid to other nations, I wonder if that's why that's basically the role you fell into when you lost your memory. Just like how you kept your dog tags, you still carried your fundamental identity with you, even if you didn't understand what it meant."
He nodded thoughtfully, absently fingering his tags. "Perhaps... But intent is not sufficient to be absolved of responsibility. I thought I was acting as a nurturing parent directing those who didn't know any better, like you did with Ivan when he wanted meat instead of rice. But the people of other nations are not naive children and know their own needs, so I should have been acting as the three friends in your story and providing what they wanted. Your story was quite prescient, actually: The three friends had diametrically different reactions to what was essentially the same end result due solely to differences in context. In that same way, though I may have intended to be a savior, in reality I was an oppressor, and history will judge me by what I was, not what I wanted to be." He took a long breath and let it out. "I feel I must continue to make reparations for my actions, and face whatever judgment those who suffered harm from them would prescribe me, just as Cetus paid for his crimes in Orco e Delphina..."
Terra felt a twinge of panic at that statement. Yes, he had admitted to killing people, occupying their territories, and forcing them into conscription, and she had rebuked Cetus for those same actions but... the thought of Leo facing punishment for it scared her. Even though she logically understood that the people of all those oppressed cities had every right to be angry with him and demand some kind of compensation, it felt... wrong. She had already chosen the plights of the suffering over Leo before, but that had been a choice of omission. Choosing the victims over Leo in this case would involve actively handing him over to be harmed.
She reached up and clutched at the collar of his shirt, pressing her face into his arm. "I can't... I can't accept that..." she said firmly. "I know it's selfish, and I know the people hurt by the Empire are owed some kind of closure, but... not at the cost of your life. What would that even accomplish?"
She paused on that thought, then sat up on her knees, holding the collar of his shirt more firmly and looking him in the eyes. "No, really, what would anyone gain from punishing you? You already understand what you did was wrong and are trying to change your behavior. You've already been making efforts to give back to those communities even without consciously realizing it. If they punish you, they would lose all that, and in return would only gain what? Revenge? Your life is so much more than your mistakes! That's what that lyric at the end of Orco e Delphina said, too, right? 'This mere undesired destination...'"
"'Shall never be... what defines me...'" Leo finished for her in a soft voice, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. "That is true... I have many regrets, but if I perpetually focus on them I remain trapped on that clifftop... If I allow them to determine my fate then I am simply resigning myself to be swept away by them... But if I accept them, learn from them, and use them as an incentive to continue forward to work for a better future... then that would do so much more good than allowing myself and others to succumb to dark impulses out of a misguided notion of 'justice'."
Terra nodded against his forehead. "And whatever worries you've been having about imposing yourself, I just want to make sure that you understand that you are very much wanted here. I know I can't speak for the people of other towns, but a least in this one, those children really do see you as a savior. And so do I."
He inhaled slowly and deeply before letting out a relieved breath, sagging more deeply against her. "Thank you, Terra," he whispered.
His breath against her face felt like it seeped into her and caused a wave of relief to travel down her own body. She was so grateful that he'd been able to confront his anxieties, and that she'd been able to assist him in doing so. And she wanted to continue being there for him to help him cope with any new or resurfacing traumas in the future. Because in the end... she just wanted him to be happy.
A warm tickle spread from her throat to her face, and following that feeling's urging she tilted her head to the side and leaned closer to him, her mouth hovering over his. She paused there a moment and felt an anticipatory falter in his breath, but he made no move to pull back. Encouraged by this and the ache in her throat deepening, she tilted forward just enough for her lips to experimentally brush over his.
At the touch of their lips, Terra felt a slight jolt pass from her mouth down the back of her neck and into her belly, as though a circuit had been completed. Leo must have felt something similar, as he let out a soft gasp and pulled back ever so slightly to break the connection. It hadn't been an unpleasant sensation, just unexpected, like it was a new kind of touch that her body simply didn't yet know how to process.
But after the initial surprise, they we both overcome with an urging to try again and leaned back towards each other, easing into another experimental brush of lips. The initial connection having been made, there was no shock of nerves this time, just a pleasant tickle. They both parted their mouths, drawing their lips over each other's until they nestled together comfortably, before gently clamping down to complete the seal.
Terra held her breath, her throat clenching at the intensity of the feelings flowing through her. It was like being connected like this allowed her to directly feel Leo's emotions towards her, and she found herself awash in the sensations of appreciation, gratitude, security... and love. It was all she could do to try to will her own feelings back towards him through the kiss in the hope that he could experience just how much she cared about him, too.
Leo made a soft moan against her lips, the vibration from it traveling all the way down her throat to her belly. He slowly pulled back, their lips making a soft snap as the seal between them was broken. He sat back, eyes half-lidded and breathing evenly, still trying to savor the sensation.
Terra brought a finger to her lower lip, still wet from his contact, and smiled bashfully. Her entire body was pleasantly buzzing from the influx of the emotions he'd passed to her and they gave her an almost overwhelming sense of joy. If this level of physical intimacy sparked those kinds of feelings, it only further piqued her curiosity at what an even deeper level of contact might feel like. She felt so blissful right now that any more almost felt greedy.
She looked up and saw Leo gazing back at her with a soft, almost shy smile. After sharing an experience like that, what could they even say? Terra was beginning to appreciate the difficulty people had in putting their feelings into words when she had asked about them previously, as she was at a loss for them herself. Therefore, in her euphoria-clouded state, the only thing she could think of that she could express in words was, "You still taste a bit like candy."
Leo choked, then held a hand to his mouth and bent over laughing a moment before Terra realized how ridiculous of a thing that was to say. But he took it in stride, sitting back up and replying with a bemused, "Well, hopefully you don't take that as an expectation, because I can't guarantee I'll always taste like that." He glanced at the fire then back at her before adding, "But I suppose that is better than tasting like All Right Rice and Beans."
Terra laughed in return, and Leo reached around her to pull her into a soft embrace against his chest. "Thank you..." he said, letting out a breath that felt like it was carrying a great deal of weight away with it. "I apologize for burdening you with my anxiety, but also deeply appreciate that you're willing to carry it, and in doing so have enabled me to alleviate some of it altogether. This conversation was one I have sorely needed to have, both with you but also with myself."
She nodded into him and hugged him back. "I'm so glad I was able to help you. I'm still unsure of myself pretty often but you continue to give me the courage to believe in myself. So please don't think you've only been saddling me with your burdens, when you've been lifting mine as well. You've done so much to help here tonight... I can't thank you enough. I love the children, but taking care of all of them all by myself with such limited resources for the past year... took its toll sometimes."
Leo pursed his lips, then pulled back just enough to look down at her candidly. "Did you need to talk about it? Goodness knows I've spent all this time laying my worries on you, but I absolutely want to be here to take on yours in return, if there is anything still troubling you. I realized that a good portion of my worries were what you might think of them, and getting them out in the open and learning the answer to that for certain helped a great deal."
"Mmh..." She felt so contented right now that she didn't want to spoil it by complaining at him. Thanks to his assistance this wasn't even something that was actively bothering her, either. Nevertheless, as far as they currently stood his help here today was only temporary, so the topic of how they would proceed from here would come up eventually and she had reservations about all of the foreseeable outcomes. But... like he'd said, those were all worries that she'd never have a concrete answer to if she kept them to herself.
With a resolute sigh, she scooted forward and pulled herself into his lap, leaning against his chest. "You're right... you've been so open about everything that's happened to you but I haven't really told you much about what's been happening with me, and you have every right to know. I just didn't want to give you even more things to worry about while you still had so many of your own problems to work through."
Leo nuzzled the top of her head. "Your concern for my well-being is appreciated, however I have found that listening to other people's problems helps to contextualize my own. Just like when you came to me on the airship after we left Thamasa, even though I was struggling, knowing that I wasn't alone in my struggles and that people still saw me as someone they can rely on helped a great deal."
Terra nodded and began absently fiddling with his tags again. "It's just... even though I do love the children and want to be there for them and take care of them... it's hard. Food was limited, and because of the monsters outside there wasn't much we could do with our days. The children constantly got restless, fussy, and sick, and just like stressing over choosing between staying here and looking for you drained my energy, having to prioritize between the children themselves was exhausting. There were some days where I just didn't even want to get out of bed I was so tired, but then inevitably someone would start crying or shouting and I had to force myself out there to make sure they were all right, because I knew there was no one else who would.
"I think... that's why it took me so long to recognize my feelings towards them as 'love'. I thought 'loving' someone meant that you were happy with them all the time and you didn't have any problems. Even Duane and Katarin would argue sometimes. I started wondering if Kefka had utterly destroyed 'love' in this new world he created and that it now truly was impossible for me to ever experience it. And then sometimes found myself thinking... is such a world even worth saving, then? And if not, was there even any point to me working so hard for these children...?"
She sniffed and pressed her face into his chest. "And I hated myself for thinking these things. I would never voice or act on them, but the fact that I would even think them... scared me."
Leo cradled the back of her head and massaged his fingers into her scalp. "Those are called 'intrusive thoughts', Terra. And... even I suffer from them somewhat frequently. Now more so than ever... But I like to think that dark thoughts like those... are like your heart giving you a warning. That when you are in a difficult situation, your heart will suggest some frightening options, with the intent of confirming, 'is this who you are?' And despite your struggles, if you can confidently say 'no' to that image, that confidence can help give you the strength to overcome the situation you're currently in."
Terra blinked and gazed into the fire, her cheek resting against his collarbone. "That's... true. Whenever I had thoughts like those, I would almost immediately get up and do something to help the children when previously I lacked the energy to do so, if only to prove to myself that I wasn't going to succumb to that... I just wish... it didn't come to that so often. I want to be strong and I want so badly to help them, but... there's only so much I can do by myself..."
The two of them remained sitting there in silence for a while, Terra staring into the fire and Leo contemplatively stroking her head. Despite her not explicitly saying so, Leo could understand... that this was a cry for help. He'd spent the entire day worrying that he was usurping her authority if he did anything with the children without her direct request, but after his venting session he'd become more comfortable thinking that taking things into his own hands here wasn't inherently patronizing, especially if she legitimately wanted the help. Maybe she was just a little too proud to come out and ask him, or more likely she was worried that he didn't have the emotional bandwidth to take on a responsibility like this on top of everything else when she herself already struggled with it while it was the only thing on her plate. Which was, to be fair, a legitimate concern. He'd already denied himself a family previously due to the prospect of rarely being able to be there for them because of his job. And he certainly wasn't about to abandon all those towns who had come to rely on his relief work to survive in order to make more time. So was he just going to abandon Terra and the children instead...?
He flinched. There... there was his own intrusive thought... He'd been forced to choose between Terra and the world and had chosen the world. Terra had been forced to choose between him and the children and had chosen the children... Now when forced to choose between the children and the world... but was he actually?
Resting his chin on top of Terra's head and joining her in looking into the fire, he softly asked, "Terra... do you need me to stay here and help you?"
She stiffened against him. "I... I don't want to add any extra burden on you..." she replied.
"But assuming that wasn't an issue. I am asking, devoid of any other obstacles that might have to be overcome to do so... do you want me to stay and help?"
Terra's eyes began to water. She had worried that her desire for him to stay was another 'intrusive thought' that was only there to highlight the selfish option that she was obligated not to take. But if it was an option that he himself was offering... She turned her head and pressed her face into his shirt, taking a deep breath. "Yes... yes I want you to stay... I want you to help the children see all the joys in the world that you were able to show me... I want you to help protect and provide for them... I want you to have someplace you can call 'home' again, with people who will support you when you're in need... I want you by my side as much as you're able... I want you to just..." She sniffed and looked up at him pleadingly with wet, wavering eyes. "... Stay."
Leo looked down at her with a deep warmth spreading to his face, threatening to steal his breath. Terra bowed her head and clutched at his shirt, saying, "But... I can't just pretend that your other burdens aren't there. I would have been disappointed if you'd abandoned the rest of the world to save me before... and if you did the same here, I don't know if I could ever be comfortable with that."
Leo gave her a soft smile and wondered, "But am I really the only person who can save the world?" Terra blinked and looked up at him, and he continued, "I was only running my supply routes solo because of my amnesia-induced social anxiety. Then I found help from you, and it lightened my load so much." He inhaled and turned his eyes to the ceiling, shaking his head, reiterating, "So much." Returning his gaze to her, he explained, "Back in the Empire, I was reluctant to saddle anyone else with my burdens so was resolved to carry them on my own. But you've shown me that there are plenty of other people who are willing and able to carry part of that weight. Lola in Maranda, for example, already took it upon herself to start providing assistance in her own way. Your friends, the Returners, are all banding together tomorrow to stop Kefka. There were more good people in the Empire than bad ones, but unfortunately it was the bad ones whose actions brought everyone else down. But I would like to think that even in this world, the good people still outnumber the bad... and that there are those who would be willing to take over portions of my supply runs." With a coy smirk and a shrug, he concluded, "After all, if there was one thing I was good at back in the Empire, it was getting people to want to work for me."
Terra's eyes widened. "Then... Mobliz could be like your home office..." She gripped at his shirt and sat up straighter. "And this building we're under used to be the post office that would send and receive carrier pigeons from all over the world. You could communicate with everyone without ever even needing to leave!"
Leo held her shoulders with a light chuckle. "Those are good ideas to keep in mind, but I think it's a little premature to make too many plans. Although..." He looked to the side contemplatively. "Orcus may have experienced tragedy due to working towards a future that never came... but does that mean working for a future that's still uncertain is necessarily a bad thing? There's risk involved, yes... but Orcus's ending showed that even if you fail, you can still pick yourself back up and move on, so there's no shame in trying." He looked back to Terra with a soft smile. "And... I'd like to try. This. Us. Staying here with you and the children while making sure the needs of the world are still being met. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but... I think I'd rather risk putting forward the effort to make it succeed than merely abandoning it as an impossible dream."
He blushed and awkwardly scratched the back of his head. "My only real reservation with that is, well... we've only really had a little over a week's worth of cumulative interaction with each other even including before the fall of the world, and of that time we've only been... officially romantically involved... since last night. And now we're suggesting we live under the same roof and raise children together, which makes us seem kind of like..." He glanced back to her a little hesitantly, wondering if maybe this was progressing much too quickly.
Terra's eyes were misting and she clasped her hands in front of her mouth with a hopeful smile. "Like... a family..."
Leo's breath caught in his throat and he blushed harder. That was... a much less intimidating term than what he had been thinking of. And one that, honestly, he could readily accept even with as brief as their relationship up until now had been. He shakily let out that breath and leaned his head forward, nodding, tears beginning to fall down his face. "Yes... quite right..." He raised his head and inhaled deeply through his nose, blinking back the tears. "Terra, I would be honored to be a part of this family..."
She held a hand to her mouth, her own eyes watering heavily. Squinting through the tears, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, sniffling a little. "Leo..."
He relaxed into her embrace, slowly sliding his arms around her and leaning into her. They... had a future now. Only a short time ago Terra had been fighting off depression and despair in the face of this inhospitable world, and Leo had resigned himself to cease existing completely. But they'd found each other, helped each other through their respective struggles, and come out stronger for it on the other side. Terra may have possessed the magic of an Esper... but this kind of power was the magic of a human.
He drew back slightly, brushing his lips over her cheek, along her jaw, until they came to rest over her mouth. Breathing warmly against her, he closed his lips around hers, pressing against her with a more earnest confidence than before. This time mingled with the sweetness of the candy there was the slight saltiness of their combined tears, but these were tears of joy. Tears of a profound love that he had felt coming from her the first time they kissed. Her mouth clutched at his, breaking away every few moments to allow them a shuddering breath, before their lips resumed their sensual embrace.
His hand caressed the back of her head, his other stroking her back and tracing the curve of her spine. Terra shivered against him and let out a slight whimper from beneath his lips. The sound coming from her caused a tickle in his own belly that made him reluctantly pull back, catching his breath a little. With a decisive exhale and a smile, he noted, "I think... that's a good stopping point for tonight. We shouldn't be getting too worked up before tomorrow."
Terra also took a moment for her breathing to even out, trembling a little giddily. She sniffed and wiped away a few stray tears, chuckling a little, noting, "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Even now you keep helping me feel and experience new things... it's almost a little overwhelming." She patted her cheeks and shook out her head. "But... I like it. Even the ups and downs of our conversation helped me experience just how vast the ranges of emotions there can be."
He placed a hand on his chest and smiled fondly. "And you... have given me the opportunity to realize so many dreams of mine: To take in and care for needy children. To help undo the damage of war. To... have a family again..."
Terra's eyes watered again, and she was half-tempted to pull him back down onto the pillows and go right back to kissing him, but at that moment there was a small knock at the door. Straightening upright in surprise like someone had just caught her about to do something questionable, she cleared her throat and called towards the door, "Yes, who is it?"
The door creaked open and Lili came shuffling in, rubbing her eye and yawning. "Need to potty but there might be monsters..." she mumbled.
"All right, just one moment," said Terra, about to get up, but then she glanced at Leo. With a small grin, she suggested, "Actually, would you like to help her?"
"I would love to help her!" he replied, quickly jumping to his feet. This was it, his first task as an official member of this household: secure the perimeter of the latrines. He strode over to the chair to retrieve his sword, then crouched down in front of Lili and requested, "Would you be all right if I go with you instead of Mama? I have this sword and it's very good at keeping away monsters."
She grinned and nodded. "Okay!" She took his hand and led him to the door.
"Oh my, you are quite strong," he noted as he followed her. "Pretty soon you're going to be able to scare off monsters all by yourself!" As he was pulled through the door, he leaned back and commented to Terra, "I shall report back soon."
Terra smiled warmly as she watched them disappear up the stairs, a contented mellowness spreading from her chest to the rest of her body. He... was going to stay. With her. With the children. This whole day had been awash in experiences of joy, laughter, and love, but now... that could potentially be every day from here on out. Well, that was probably too high of an expectation, but at the very least days like today wouldn't be an isolated event.
She walked out into the communal sleeping area, the beds full of peacefully slumbering children, including Duane and Katarin who had fallen asleep in each other's arms. She hugged her arms around herself earnestly at the view. Now that Leo was here, meeting the children's needs, re-supplying the town, and having the strength and will to get through each day didn't seem so intimidating anymore. She could see such a bright future going forward for them now, which had seemed impossible only days ago. They were still going to have to fight for it, but now more than ever it was imperative that they succeed.
Leo returned a moment later, carrying Lili in the crook of his arm. "- and then I drawed a picture of it," she said in the tail end of a conversation.
"That's wonderful! I'd love to see some of your drawings sometime." He stepped into the room and held a finger to his lips. "But we need to be quiet now. Everyone else is asleep." She nodded and also held a finger to her lips.
He rocked back and forth a little to try to coax her back to sleep, while whispering to Terra, "Mission complete. The perimeter is secure and the, er, payload has been delivered."
Terra covered her mouth to suppress a snicker. Stretching with a little yawn, she commented, "I just hope the rest of them can hold it until morning. We haven't gotten any sleep since that first night in Jidoor and we need to rest up for tomorrow. I am exhausted... but in a good way."
"Heh... with as agitated as my mind has been all day I was afraid I might have to ask you to forcibly put me under with a Sleep spell so that I could rest sufficiently," said Leo, continuing to rock Lili slowly. Looking at the little girl nodding off in his arms, he smiled and commented, "But now... I don't think going to those lengths will be necessary."
He slowly ascended the stairs to the sleeping area and gently lay Lili back down on her side of the bed. As he pulled the covers back over her, she yawned and sleepily wondered, "So are you gonna come back with Mama once you beat the bad guy tomorrow?"
His smile twitched a little and he softly informed her, "That's the plan. Is it... all right if I come live here with you?"
She nodded and yawned again. "Yeah..." Rolling over and snuggling into her pillow, as she fell asleep she whispered, "Then you'd be like our Papa..."
Leo felt a jolt in his chest and a warm sensation spread through his body. Clenching his mouth firmly and swallowing to ward off a new surge of emotion that might awaken her, he remained kneeling at the side of the bed, attentively watching the little girl drift off into a contented sleep. Slowly leaning over, he pressed his lips against her forehead and whispered, "I would be honored..."
As he made his way back down the stairs, absently rubbing his arm in contemplation, Terra took note of his thoughtful expression and cocked her head, wondering, "Is something the matter?"
He took a deep breath with a sniff, then turned to gaze back at the rows of beds of sleeping children. "No... I simply... received another unexpected promotion," he said with a wisp of a smile. "The highest possible..." Sniffing again, he rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat. "Anyway, we should be following their lead and getting some sleep ourselves."
Terra smiled and took his hand, the two of them returning to her room and closing the door softly behind them. Leo's eyes turned to the single bed in the corner of the room and... somehow didn't feel nearly as intimidated or uncertain about this as he thought he would. They'd quite solidly established their relationship status at this point, so instead of something that would require further questioning or discussion, this just felt... natural, without anything needing to be said.
Terra sat on the edge of the bed and removed her boots and Leo did the same, placing them neatly on the floor at the foot of the bed next to hers. She twirled a finger in her hair and looked up at him shyly, noting, "It's easy to fit two children into a bed this size, but two adults might be a bit trickier..."
Leo smiled and leaned over to nuzzle her cheek. "We've already spent all evening in close contact. I think we'll manage."
Terra purred, returning the nuzzle and wrapping her arms around his neck, leaning back to gently pull him down onto the bed with her. This action prompted a slight flutter in his belly and he chose to shift over to lie on his side beside her rather than let his weight rest on her. Terra used her arms around him to pull herself snugly against him, resting her cheek against his chest with a contented smile. "You were right. This is still... plenty comfortable."
He felt a warmth flow through him and relaxed into the bed, wrapping an arm over her and twining his legs around hers, pulling them flush together head to toe. Letting out a breath, his head drooped onto the pillow and he couldn't help but give a light chuckle. "I may still have difficulty getting to sleep after all... not because I'm anxious but because... I want to savor this feeling as long as possible."
Terra was already breathing steadily against his chest, eyes closed. "Mm-hmm..." was all she could respond.
Leo watched over her for some time, softly stroking her back while she slept. With as quickly as she'd fallen asleep as soon as she'd gotten comfortable, when she said she was exhausted, she hadn't been exaggerating. He could feel the heaviness of his own eyelids encouraging him to do the same, but he just... just for a few more minutes... The delicate weight of her arm around him, the comforting warmth of her body, the gentle rise and fall of her breathing against his chest, the peaceful smile on her lips... He wanted to bask in them... just a little longer...
As his head finally nodded forward to rest against her and join her in slumber, he made a silent vow: I promise to protect this family and ensure that the love and joy evoked here tonight... may reach far into the future...
Notes:
- The timeline in "Settei Shiryou-hen" states that Gestahl became Emperor 20 years prior to the events of the game, at the age of 52. Leo would have been 10 at this time. Note that the Ultimania guide contradicts this saying that Gestahl is 50 at the start of the game, however in this case the "Settei Shiryou-hen" age makes more sense, because Gestahl was very obviously NOT only 30 years old in the flashback when he invaded the Esper World, but he could have reasonably been 50. Maybe he just declared that he stopped aging when he became Emperor and so every year is his 50th birthday.
- "Settei Shiryou-hen" also calls out Doma and Jidoor's rigid social hierarchies as being a contributing factor to them lagging behind other countries technologically. In this way, the Empire may have actually been much more of a true meritocracy by comparison.
- One thing that kind of bugged me about Leo's characterization in Dissidia Opera Omnia was that he came across a liiittle on the nationalistic side, repeatedly stating that he refused to serve anyone but his own countrymen. To me this contradicted his depiction in FF6 where he showed great respect for people of other countries and had absolutely no problem with working alongside them. And again, if there is any contradiction between FF6, Dissidia, Ultimania, or "Settei Shiryou-hen", anything depicted in-game in FF6 takes highest priority. So here, I tried to depict his loyalty more out of patriotism ("I serve my country because I believe what it is doing is right") rather than nationalism ("I serve my country because I believe it is right, regardless of what it is doing"), and a genuine strong attachment to its people (which Dissidia thankfully also invoked).
- Otherwise, when the question of "Why would such a nice guy like Leo support these atrocities?" came up, I thought over, "Well, why does the same thing happen in real life?" And being raised in a misinformation-rich environment tends to be the reason. He was fed propaganda all his life and he believed it, resulting in his desire to help people being essentially weaponized. And people who think they're doing right are very, very resistant to being told otherwise.
- Chapter title is a direction to play "expressively and at a walking pace".