Weary
A/N: A self-therapy session that turned into this drabble. Enjoy, lovelies. :)
She's going to scare him, she knows it, and she honestly feels like hell for it. But she can't pull herself off the dirt behind their flat building.
Marlene lets her gaze move in and out of focus as she stares off into space.
This is too big. This war is too big. She's trying, so, so hard. She's throwing her whole self into this, into keeping people alive, in keeping her friends and family whole, into just fucking breathing. But it's too big and she's collapsing under it all, sliding into the blackness that she's fought against her whole fucking life and today it feels like she's going to be trapped until someone finally kills her. Today it feels like the light has gone out for good, that the sun has burned out, that she's never going to see so much as a spark for as long as her stupid heart keeps pumping blood through her veins and her brain continues to register that she hasn't died yet.
"Fuck, Marly," Sirius falls down next to her and drapes her leather jacket around her shoulders. "Write me a note the next time you come out here while I'm showering."
She can't even respond. The tears are pressing behind her eyes with so much force they might push her eyes out if their sockets, and she's only fought them off this long because she's been forcing herself to be numb, to push every emotion so far away that she just feels empty, or as empty as she can pretend to feel. But having him here, having the one person that his death would kill her, sitting next to her, caring where she is, caring she's alive and breathing, loving her the way he does, it's going to be the one emotion she can't keep at bay.
"Marls," Sirius' voice is quiet and his arm is around her and Marlene feels the emotions threatening to push through all the doors and windows she's been working so hard to close and lock and throw away all the keys.
Sirius pulls her closer and kisses her hairline.
That's when the first tear escapes.
And then it's like Bastille Day as every emotion she'd held prisoner comes pouring out in heavy sobs and broken cries.
"I'm here," Sirius whispers, "I love you," Over and over as he holds her.
And it doesn't make anything better, Marlene knows she's going to feel broken for a lot longer than just today; she's felt broken for years before this too. But having him there, to hold her as she collapses under the weight and the fear and the anxiety and the darkness, it helps just the smallest amount. Just to know that she can be broken here with him and he's going to hold her and love her. Just to know he's going to love her even when she doesn't know if she can love herself right now. Just to know that when he breaks she's going to sit with him exactly like this. Just to know all that is enough to let it be a fraction better than she felt moments ago. It's not solving anything, but it's helping her believe that maybe there will be light again. Maybe someday, she can smile again. Maybe someday, her life will feel like hers again.
She still feels like the world is crushing her. She still feels like the weight of it all is going to kill her. She still feels like the sun has burned out in her life.
But at least now, she doesn't feel like she's alone. And for now, it's enough. For now, it's enough not to face the blackness by herself.
"We'll make it through, love," Sirius whispers against her. "Someday we're going to look back amazed at everything we made it through."
Marlene pulls a deep breath in and nods against him, "Someday."
Even if it's when we're dead, she adds silently.
Because he's right, whether it's here or in whatever afterlife awaits them, they'll look back and be amazed at what life put them through and how far they made it in the end. How they managed to hope for a light at the end of the tunnel, even though they were enveloped in darkness.