This is a continuation of Chapter 53. Please do not read if you're feeling low because it is a sad chapter.

Again. Please do not read if you don't want to be sad.

I lost my little sister when I was in my late teens. She'd been ill on and off. I won't go into too much detail but needless to say my parents focused all their energies on her. She died unexpectedly. For the longest time I resented my parents because all our lives revolved around decisions that would be beneficial to my sister and it seemed like they finally saw me only after my sister died. I of course felt like an asshole once I realized how selfish I had been. My mom had a conversation with me a few months after my sisters passing... we talked about how we didn't know what to do anymore. We suddenly lost direction but that she knew she wanted to develop a relationship with me because she realized she knew close to nothing about me outside of my being her daughter. We now have a pretty good relationship.

Ana's longing for a sibling mirrors my own. This chapter has a reference to Chapter 12, where Nita and Ana talk about her father.

A special shoutout to Taino Delsan13. I'm my parents caretaker too now.

bandrocks: check your PM's.

To everyone else who took the time to read the last chapter and still comment. I really appreciate it. I truly do. It means so much that you were able to feel what I was trying to achieve with it.

Chapter 54 – Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Thursday, March 12th, 2020

FLASHBACK

September 26th, 2008.

Dear Baby Steele,

Today we lost you. I never got to meet you but I miss you. I know you are in a better place. I just hope you know how much we loved you.

Whether you were Adam Raymond Steele or Aisha Sophia Steele, you were so loved.

Love,

Aanapa.

END FLASHBACK.

I try my best to keep myself from making a sound. My body shakes.

Breathe.

Breathe.

BREATHE GOD DAMMIT.

I can't breathe.

I

Can't

Breathe.

"Miss Steele?" I hear Prescott's concerned voice.

"I...I... need a minute..." I manage to blurt out.

"Miss Steele, are you alright. Please open the door."

"Please give... me... one... minute... "

"Ana... open the door please." She coaxes.

I slowly unlock the stall door and walk out but don't look at her.

She tries to come close to me but I take two steps back towards the wall shaking my head.

"What happened Ana?"

I can't speak. If I say it, I'll completely breakdown. I just shake my head, looking down on the floor. I feel another wave of sadness take over and I breakdown unable to breathe.

Prescott in a unprecedented move pulls me in a hug and I cry as she holds me. She rubs my back and lets me cry.

"What happened Ana?"

I shake my head. "Pl-please don't tell Christian..."

"Ana, I have to let him know."

"Please don't... I'll be fine... I just needed a minute" I tell her and pull away. I look in the mirror and I'm a fucking mess. I wash my face and try to look presentable.

"Was it a bad memory?" She asks, looking at me with concern.

I silently shake my head. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel anything.

"S... we're going to need a few minutes. Bring the car around in the meantime." Prescott speaks into her earpiece.

...

CPOV

After talking to Ana last night, I decided not to stay till Friday. I had the important meetings pushed up to today and the rest could be handled via video conference from Seattle. I want to be back with her.

It's almost 3:30 and we're on the jet at Teterboro about to take off when I get a call from Sawyer. I feel a slight sense of panic.

"Sawyer."

"Sir, Miss Steele is fine... but when we took her to the NICU during her lunch break she talked to one of the nurses and seemed distressed. Prescott followed her into the bathroom where she broke down. She won't tell her why and she insisted on going back to work. Do you want us to tell Miss Kavanagh to check in?"

Fuck. What the hell happened?

"What made her react this way?"

"The nurse won't tell me anything, HIPAA laws but I suspect it has to do with one of the babies she was assigned to. His name is Adam."

Adam? She never told me anything about that.

"Thank you for the update Sawyer. Hold off on the call to Miss Kavanagh for now but monitor the situation and text me throughout. We're about to take off from New York. Ana doesn't know and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Yes sir."

"Let me know if anything changes."

"Will do, Sir."

I hang up and text Gail to make sure something is cooked for Ana to eat. She told me that Ana asked her not to cook anything for the week but I don't want to take any chances... if she's had a bad day then she needs to eat, even if I have to force feed her.

...

By the time with land and make to Escala, it's about 7:30pm, PST. Sawyer texted me that Ana remained quiet on the car ride home.

I exit the elevator and the apartment is dark and quiet, I walk up to her room but all the lights are off and she's not there. Odd.

I walk down and head to the bedroom and hear the music playing; the soft notes of the guitar and a woman singing. She sounds heartbroken.

Baby, can't you see if there is such a thing
Of loving someone so much that you need
To give them time to let them breathe
But you don't understand,
I wish you understood
Oh, I hope one day you do

I take off my jacket and loosen my tie and take off my shoes and throw them in the corner. I see the bathroom light is on.

Everything I make,
I only make for you
Baby, be patient for me
And please don't fall in love with someone new
I promise, one day I'll come back for you

I walk towards the bathroom but the music is interrupted by a phone call.

"Mama." Ana says as her voice breaks.

"Aanu, what happened baby?" Nita's concerned voice echoes.

Ana starts to cry. I feel a lump throat but I'm frozen at the threshold.

"Aanu, you're scaring me..."

"I...I... I'm sorry... I just needed to talk to you."

"Tell me what happened, meri jaan..."

"Remember when I told you I signed up for the NICU cuddler program at Seattle-Mason."

"Go on..."

"I got assigned to a baby boy named Adam."

"Oh darling..." I hear Nita's voice waver and Ana breaks down.

"He died Mama..."

"I'm so sorry darling..."

"No I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." She wails.

"Why are you sorry, baby?"

"I asked you for something that ended up causing you and dad so much pain. I am so fucking sorry."

"Aanu, what are you talking about?"

"If I hadn't asked for a sibling... you guys would never have experienced all that pain. I'm just so sorry."

"Aanu, none of that was your fault. Is that what you've been thinking all these years? No darling, it was never your fault. Never, ever think that... Listen to me... it just wasn't meant to be. My body couldn't handle it. You did nothing wrong Aanu."

"B-but... I was so selfish... I only thought about my own loneliness and I asked for something so big."

"Have you been feeling this way all these years?"

"I tried not to but I couldn't help it."

"Aanu, listen... you know when we asked you what you wanted as a gift for your 11th birthday, we honestly thought you'd ask for a trip to somewhere or I don't know... just anything but a sibling. Truth is, Ray and I had been talking about having a baby but we were trying to figure out how to ask you. We didn't know how you'd react. You'd been Ray's little girl for so long, we didn't want you to think you'd be replaced but as always Aanu, you surprised us."

Ana sniffs and tries to calm down her breathing.

"You know what Baba said to me the first time he met you? He said, this girl has the power in her to show people what they need before they can ever realize it for themselves... and it made so much sense to me. You made me want to fall in love again. You brought Ray to me."

I feel a surge of emotion. She's right. In my first interaction with Ana, I knew I need more in this life. I had started to imagine more the moment I met her.

"Why didn't he ever say that to me?" Ana asks with a broken voice.

"You know how your Nana was... a man of few emotions and even fewer words."

"He was so beautiful Ma... " she cries again.

"I'm sure he was my love... but he is in a better place now. He's no longer in pain."

Ana says something in Urdu, it sounds so fucking heartbreaking and fucking hell I wish I could understand the damn language... I need to fix this.

"Aanu, you don't have to ask for forgiveness because you did nothing wrong... tell me, are you alone right now?"

"Yeah, Christian is still in New York, he comes back tomorrow."

"What about Kate, you want me to call her?"

"No Ma, I'll be fine. I just wanted to talk to you."

"Have you talked to anyone else about this?"

"No...not really."

"You should, darling. You should talk to your therapist... Kate or Christian about it... don't keep this bottled up."

"I can't talk to them... they all have siblings... I would sound so stupid... crying about something that almost never happened... I'm already such a fucking burden. Fucking sad all the time..."

"Aanu, what did I tell you before you left SF after the wedding... remember when you asked me about falling in love with Ray?"

"Yeah... you said I have to let myself be my absolute self be with the one I love... that I should let their love carry me sometimes... that I don't always have to be strong."

"Exactly, your partner shouldn't just love you because you're happy all the time. They should love you in sadness too but you have to let him love you in sadness."

"But what if he leaves me?" She breaks down again. "There's too much shit... "

I could never leave you Ana. Never.

"Christian is not that person. He's committed to you. Look, when I went out with Ray for the first time... we had a lovely dinner and then we sat in the car and talked outside of my apartment building. We just got lost talking and I told him everything, Aanu, things I didn't even tell my therapist... I hadn't told anyone... too much for a first date and at one point I stopped talking, thinking he might just never want to go out with me again or only want to be friends but you know what he said... he said I don't want you to ever feel alone again. I want you to share every sadness with me because you do not deserve to be stuck in the darkness all alone like this." Her voice breaks and I hear her cry a little.

Nita's influence on Ana shines through in this moment. The warmth in Ana's voice, her inflections and playfulness... it's all from Nita. She really is her mother. No bond of blood is needed.

"Your father was a wonderful man and he showed me infinite love in the time that we had together."

"Yeah, he was great wasn't he? Though, I could've told you that he clearly wanted to be more than friends with you no matter what. The man wanted in your panties Nita... I may not have understood it back then but I was there when he first saw you... sucker didn't know hit him." Ana giggles and Nita laughs.

"Aanu... don't be silly." She chides playfully.

"What?... I can say that. He was head over heels for ya!" Ana sasses and it makes me smile. In so much sadness she still finds a way to laugh.

"I was the same for him."

"I miss him all the time." Ana whimpers.

"Me too, meri jaan. Every waking moment... but Aanu, please don't keep things from me. I want you tell me whatever you're going through... you shouldn't be afraid. I will always be here for you, no matter what."

Ana breaks down again. "I'm trying Mama, I'm really trying..."

They talk for a few more minutes and Nita makes Ana promise her that she'll eat dinner and take some pain killers before going to bed.

"I've been thinking I need to visit you in Seattle, when is a good time?"

"The week after the next would be great. I can't promise if Christian will be free, his COO went on maternity leave so things will be hectic for him but we can definitely spend time together. I'm sure he can at least meet us for dinner especially if you bribe him with the beef curry. "

Nita laughs "Okay that sounds like a plan, I'll run it by Nani and I'll ask Rania if she wants to come too."

By the time she's done with the call, I'm sitting on the bench on the other side of the wall behind the tub. I want to hold her and absorb all her sadness but I don't even know where to start. I don't know what to say that would comfort her.

The music starts up again as soon as she hangs up and I hear her get out of the tub and see her walk out of the bathroom in her robe but she doesn't notice me.

I promise baby, one day, I'll come back to you
I promise baby, one day, I'll come back to you

A few minutes later she exits the walk-in closest wearing one of my buttoned shirts and a pair tights.

She too thinks I'll leave her... but I couldn't. I wouldn't survive.

I walk out the bedroom towards the kitchen. She's quietly working with her back towards me. I don't want to scare her so I stand by the breakfast bar and call out to her softly

It still scares her and she spins around with wide eyes. Her face is red and her eyes are puffy. My beautiful girl.

She stares at me for a moment, and blinks of few times as I close the gap between us. I hold her face and lean in, my lips hovering over hers... silently asking for permission. She raises her face up and gives me a small kiss.

"I thought you were coming back tomorrow evening, I was going to cook you dinner." She whispers and I hear the strain in her voice as a tear falls.

"I missed you so I came back early."

She nods slowly and looks down.

"What happened today Ana?"

Her body goes tense and her jaw clenches. "I told Prescott not to tell you. I just had a moment. Is that why you came back?"

"No baby, I was already at Teterboro when I got the call."

She looks away.

"Tell me baby, what made you so upset?"

Tell me Ana... tell me on your own.

She takes a deep shuddering breath. "One of the babies I was assigned to, his name was Adam. He passed away last night."

"That's never happened before when you used to volunteer?"

"No it has. This one just hit harder." She swallows. "When Nita was pregnant, we had decided on Adam for a boy and Aisha for a girl." Tears fall from her eyes.

I pull her into a hug and hold her and kiss her forehead.

"Let's have dinner, baby and then you can talk to me about whatever is on your mind."

She silently nods and we work to do just that. Gail made us a chicken potpie with mac and cheese. Ana starts to feel a little better as soon as she eats. She asks me all about New York and makes jokes here and there.

"I got you something from New York." I tell her as we load the dishwasher.

She looks at me a little confused and I pull a box out from the refrigerator and place it on the counter nearby.

She looks at it and her face lights up.

"CAFÉ SABARSKY?" She beams at me. "How did you know?"

I give her a quick kiss. This is how I want to always see her.

"Mia told me how much you loved going to this café when you'd visit New York. She tried it when she went there in December and loved it."

She opens the box it's an assortment of all the hazelnut chocolate pastries she loves given her obsession with anything hazelnut flavored.

"You've never been?" she asks.

"I told you, I barely ever explored New York outside of business dinners."

"Oh Mr. Grey, prepared to be blessed. This place has some of the best desserts." She giggles and gets out plates and two forks.

She takes out two pastries and we try them. I nod in agreement. They do taste good.

"How did you find this place?"

"I found it on my way walking to the Guggenheim. I saw the Neue Gallerie and walked in. They had a café so I checked it out. I didn't want to eat alone so I bought a few pastries and took it back to the apartment for everyone to try. Then sometimes I'd go with Kiran if she was ever free... but that was rare." She says wistfully.

"She didn't like the things you liked?"

She shrugs. "Not really. She was always about the newest thing and I tagged along because... that's what I had been doing since childhood. She was the cool older cousin who gave me attention. She'd joke that I was an old grandma trapped inside a teenagers body."

"There's nothing about you that screams grandma." I chuckle.

"Well, it's almost 9:30pm on a Thursday night and I want to cuddle in bed. I think that qualifies me as a grandma." She giggles.

"Come Miss Steele, lets get you into bed."

I take a quick shower and when I return she's sitting indian style on the bed going through her phone but puts it away when I get in. She comes in close and holds on to me and I play with her hair.

"Tell me what's going through your mind, baby." I look into her eyes.

She swallows and looks down for a few moments.

Tell me, Ana.

"Adam's death brought back these feelings that I had suppressed for so long... when Nita went through the third miscarriage I saw Ray cry for the first time in my life. Nani told me to be strong for them and I for some reason understood that as a directive to not cry... I thought crying would be weakness. I barely ever cried in front of them any way but I was so sad when it all happened. I would only cry in my room before going to bed at night. I'd look out of the skylight and think that they were now stars. Happy and safe. If I barely ever cried before the accident, I now cry all the fucking time." Except, she doesn't cry as she speaks. She just stares down.

"I so desperately wanted to be a big sister. I wanted to feel like I was needed. Kiran and Vishaal had each other. Karan had Aashu and Rania had Ahad and Priya but I had no one. I thought if I had a sibling, I'd dress them up and play with them. Take them hiking with me... to target practice... and when I grew up and was successful, I'd take them on trips with me and I'd have such a good and strong bond like my cousins had with their siblings... but I guess I wasn't meant to have that... I acted like it didn't affect me but in reality I didn't want to upset mama and dad. I just signed up for more shit at school to keep my busy and not think about the loneliness. I once asked Carla why she never wanted to have another baby and she said that it took her forever to get her body back, she wasn't going to put her self through that again. She never said it but I always felt like a mistake in her eyes." She's still not crying but he voice is strained.

I kiss her forehead and pull her even closer to me.

"I wanted to have memories to share. My only connection to Ray right now is Nita. Once Nita is gone... I don't share this name or memories with anyone else. If I had a sibling then we'd have all these memories and we wouldn't be alone but... it's like you have Elliot and Mia. You have memories with your parents and siblings as a whole and then just you and your parents... and then memories that you probably have separately with each parent and each sibling you know... I don't have that and I wish I did. I just wanted a bond. I may not have ended up sharing blood with their child but we would've shared an upbringing and a name. ... I don't know maybe I'm not explaining this right."

"No I understand what you're saying..." I understand completely. She longed for the bonds that I had all along but never appreciated. That's the different between me and her, I just wanted to take and she's always wanted to give. She's a giver and a healer.

"I told Adam about you on Tuesday. I told him that we had a fight and that I missed you. I told him that I'd introduce you two and you could give him some pointers on being a CEO so he could run the world like you." She wipes her face and giggles.

"Sawyer sent me a picture of you rocking him in his security report. You looked so beautiful."

She hides her face in the crook of my neck and cries while I try my best to soothe her. After a few minutes she pulls away.

"I'm sorry you came back home after so many days to my being a in a sad and depressed funk."

"I'll take you any way I can get you Miss Steele. I want you to be however you're feeling with me. I want you to tell me anything and everything. Even when you're murderously pissed off at me."

She giggles and I kiss her.

"I'm really sorry baby."

"You really hurt me Christian. I would never purposely put myself in a situation where I could get hurt again... and I would never let a man try to sway me against you. They could try everything and I wouldn't ever leave you for someone else."

I swallow. "I know. I trust you. It's other people I don't trust."

"You're concern should only be with trusting me. I always keep security close by, I think I've been pretty good about that. I see how women throw themselves at you and stare at you. I've been seeing and hearing it all since I started at GEH... and now with the press and how they pick me apart..." she shakes her head. "You don't think I feel insecure? That someone better and far prettier and accomplished could come along? I have to constantly remind myself to not let it affect me because it will poison what we have. I mean, we haven't really been out in public yet but I imagine whenever we do... well, I think we could totally make a game out of the number of women who will hit on your versus the men who would hit on me. You'd win that game by a mile hands down."

"I would, wouldn't I?" I laugh.

"Conceited bastard." She grumbles and I shower her with kisses.

"I love you. Only you. Now and forever, Ana. I'm always thinking of you and always wanting you... always needing you." I stroke her cheek.

"I feel the same way about you Christian."

I climb on top of her to kiss her soundly. We make quick work of taking off our clothes. It's been too long since I've been this close to her and inside her.

"Fuck Ana... I can never get enough of you." I whisper in her ear as I slide into her and slowly move.

She arches her back and bites her lip trying to suppress a moan with her eyes closed.

I take my time. It's been too fucking long and I need this to last.

"Please..." she begs.

Oh baby... we're going to drag this out.

"Did you miss me baby?"

"So much... please Christian..." she cries out.

"I want to stay inside you as long as I can baby...I need my fill of you... it's been too long."

She whimpers out in frustration and I kiss and nip her neck and soon enough she starts to tremble...

...

"No please..." she giggles and squeals. "Christian stopppp. I can't..."

"Yes you can and you will, Anastasia." I growl into her neck and work to make her come a fourth time.

I don't know how but we somehow end up almost falling off the bed by the end of everything.

"Miss Steele..." I call out trying to catch my breath "Can we put a time limit on our fights... because not being able to fuck you is real torture for me."

She laughs out loud "Did you just hand me your Kryptonite?"

"Such immodesty does not become you Miss Steele." I chuckle and bite her nipple while she moans and giggles.

"Ya still love me in all my immodesty, Grey."

"That I do... now tell me... what are you plans for tomorrow evening?"

"Why, are you going to try and give me 4 more orgasms?"

"That's a given but what are you dinner plans?"

"I'm home. Why?"

"Good, we're going out for date night."

"Wait... Christian, we don't have to... I know you have work..."

"Baby, I've been working non-stop since last Friday... I want to spend time with my girl."

She looks at me and traces my lips with her fingers. "Where are we going?" she asks softly.

"Canlis. Sawyer will drive you. I have a late conference call, so I'll meet you there after work."

"Okay..." she says a little nervously.

"Why are you nervous?"

She shrugs. "Being in public makes me a little nervous now but... I know I have to get over it. Now that the press doesn't really hang outside of GEH, I'd like to go back to walking to the health bar nearby... all this staying inside indoors is driving me crazy. I miss doing some of the normal stuff I did before."

"As long as you have Sawyer and Prescott with you."

"Yeah, I'll keep them close. Plus Jose and Val will be with me too sometimes so I'll be fine I think. I'll take it slow."

I kiss her cheek.

"I want more than just date night and few hours on the weekend with you Ana. I know you're trying to make it easy on me but I want you to demand time from me... yes I have to work but I need my time with you."

She takes a deep breath and opens her mouth to say something but stops and her brow furrows... "Christian, you spent a lot of time building GEH, I'm not going to just waltz in and be like pay attention to me and wine and dine me all the time. That's not who I am."

"I know... and I love that about you but you should. I'm yours and you should demand attention from me. Interrupt me when I work and remind me that there's a life and world outside of my office... I never want to go back to that workaholic who never smiled or kept his blinders on. I missed out on so many months where I could had you in my life..."

She slowly nods.

"I want us to have a lunch twice a week at least. One day where we're alone and for the second we can invite Elliot, Jose and Val if you want...maybe Ros and Gwen can join the land of the living too here and there with the baby."

She laughs out loud. "Mr. Grey... when did you become so funny?"

"I started dating this little comedian... she rubbed off on me. Literally and figuratively."

"Though, I suppose you'd prefer more of the literal rubbing over the figurative?" she wiggles her eyebrows.

I laugh and shake my head. "Always."

That smart mouth.

Authors Note: I promise the next chapter is lighthearted.

Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

Music:

Someone New - Banks.