Chapter 32
A boy with lustrous black hair calmly drew his luggage to the train. People inside the King's Cross were fussing about each other as they bid their children farewell, but all his mother did to him was staring at him with her cold grey eyes before turning her back and disappear into the crowds. The boy didn't feel disappointed, after all, he hadn't even expected his mother to be here to bid him goodbye before he goes to Hogwarts for the first time.
Sirius Black felt liberal, instead. For the first time in his life, however short that may be, he was finally free to do whatever he want to do without his mother's glare.
His parent, no doubt, anticipate him to enter the Snake's pit, but Sirius was solemn never to enter such vile place on his own volition.
"Ouch!" a man cried.
"James! Oh, for heaven's sake!"
"Sorry, mum-"
Sirius saw a perfect picture of family he wanted, but never clearly imagined, as he never had experienced it. But when he saw the unruly haired boy grinning apologetically at his parent while they lightly chastised him. They just melted into goofy grin when the whistle blew, and the boy gave into their tight hugs as if there's nothing more natural than that.
Sirius never had been hugged.
The boy with unruly hair sticking in every direction waved his hand again before he pushed his trolley towards the train.
"Whoa-", Sirius didn't know why but he didn't move away when the boy accidentally crashed with his trolley.
"Sorry, mate-", the boy cringed and pulled back a little.
Sirius mimicked the smile the boy gave to his parent earlier, and said, "Yeah, me too. You alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Are you going in?" The bespectacled boy asked, gesturing the train compartment behind Sirius with his jaw.
Sirius turned around to check the compartment and gave a nod.
"Do you know where we put this luggage?"
"I don't' know", Sirius shook his head.
The boy twisted his lips and sucked on the lower lip; his brows knitted tightly. Sirius found it funny that he should worry about such trifles so seriously.
But the bespectacled boy's concern was solved when they met another boy who struggled with his luggage. He had light brown hair and deep green eyes, with gangly lean figure. They all managed to put their luggage up the train and tried to find a compartment which were basically full before they found one. A red hair girl weeping and a black-haired boy trying to soothe her were the only occupants of it. Sirius was suddenly struck with reluctance to get into the compartment, but the unruly haired boy was simply happy to find a room after all the journey they've took to find this one.
He had to get in without complaints when he saw the bespectacled boy's face.
"I'm James, by the way, James Potter", the unruly haired boy spoke.
Sirius grinned in response, "I'm Sirius, Sirius Black."
They shook each other's hands, rather in adult way before turning to their third member who bashfully murmured, "Remus Lupin".
"And what about you two?" James Potter asked the red-haired girl and a scrawny boy in front of them.
The girl flinched; a bit stirred.
"Lily Evans, and this is Severus Snape", said the girl gesturing the skinny boy with rather dirty hair.
Somehow, everyone's eye followed up her hand and examined the boy for a moment. An unmistakable flush at the sudden attention glowed the boy's pale complexion. His dark hair was clumped in lock with grease, his hooked nose prominent than another feature, the boy called Severus Snape was utterly ugly and disagreeable. His eyes, Sirius noted, were dark and bottomless like an endless tunnel that reminds him of something he suppressed in himself.
He grew restless at seeing those eyes and turned his face to Potter, who in comparison, instantly made him forgotten what he reminded of.
James Potter waved his arm as if to make a spell, "Where would you want to be in, if you could choose?"
When Sirius couldn't grasp his meaning at first, James smiled brightly and thrust his arm upward, like a knight thrusting his arm holding a sword before charging at the enemy.
"I want to go to Gryffindor! Where dwell the brave at heart! Like my dad!" With such childlike innocent and radiant, James declared.
Sirius smiled, feeling the cheerfulness of the bespectacled boy influencing him.
But James's face fell into irritation when he saw the boy in front of them scoffed. "Got a problem with that?"
"No. If you'd rather be brawny than brainy-"
"Where are you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" Sirius interrupted, throwing the boy off guard, out of indignation for his new friend.
James giggled and the Snape boy reddened.
Snide comments and sarcasm were one of the inherent qualities. Sirius felt satisfied at succeeding shutting the boy up. He didn't like the boy at first sight and now he was growing to hate him.
Something about him made Sirius sick.
It took him some time to figure out what it was about Severus Snape that makes Sirius go so wild. But even before he realized he hates Snape, the admiration and affection for James led him to commit some bad things.
He adored James. He admired James. Everything about James Potter was so fascinating. It might sound like love, and it might have been at some point but in essence, Sirius wanted to be like James.
Everything James Potter had, his family, his personality, his interests, was something Sirius couldn't even dreamed of having.
His miserable life inside the Grimmauld place was bleak and horrible when James and his life in Godric's Hollow were bright with happiness and love.
James Potter was cheeky and arrogant, but he was bright and humorous, always smiling confidently. He had goodness in his heart, and love whereas Sirius couldn't even think of a moment in his life that were so brilliant as James describes his own.
And the more and more Sirius hears about James' perfect life, the admiration for him grew bigger. It was, as he realized now, the start of their dangerous relation.
Admiration may be compatible with friendship but in Sirius' case, it was too excessive to be.
He followed James like a loyal subject does to his king. And Sirius liked it like so much that it didn't even felt like a submission. He wanted to make James happy because it made him happy. Even for a moment, Sirius could pretend that he and James were the same when they were laughing heartily together.
And all these led to his sins: Severus Snape.
He perversely enjoyed pouring out his misery at the helpless boy because it made James happy and because it helped Sirius to relieve what was inside of him.
And just so conveniently, Severus reminded of his family. It wasn't just about the color of his tie. There was something about Severus that made Sirius scrunch up his face in disgust.
He didn't realize what it was till he figured out how far he had gone with Severus.
It was himself that made him loathe Severus. Like himself, Severus was damaged and hurt, brooding dark emotion inside that skinny body, glaring at the world with spite. His dark, bottomless eyes bored emotions that mirrored his own.
And Sirius was disgusted by himself and punished Severus for it.
He begged for forgiveness afterwards, if not by words but by heart. Sirius wanted to be absolved of his sins and for a moment he thought he could be when the baby came to the world. That little creature brought propounding happiness not only to him but to Severus. When Sirius saw that in those black orbs, he almost convinced himself that he had been acquitted. That Severus ascended above vile memories between them and came to love him.
All these foolishly selfish thoughts turned into a metal sharp blade that stabbed him in his heart. A conscience brutally beaten him hard.
Lily Evans was right. He was a monster.
Sirius had to come late to the nursery Friday night because of professor Slughorn who somehow found Sirius as suitable substitute for Lily Evans, 'the assistance'. He had to chop and cut down twigs and herbs which must be labeled and then organized into different shelves. When Sirius was finished, exhausted and agitated, he dragged his feet to the nursery to find unexpected redhead with Severus.
Shocking as it was to see the girl inside the nursery, he was even more surprised that Severus was telling her everything between them. What came across his mind, he cannot remember now, but the hot jolt of jealousy boiling up was vivid, even still. Then, he saw Lily Evans bolting right up from her chair, bellowing in rage. Every word she said, even though his head protested strongly against, punctured into his mind.
A monster.
That was what he was. He could not deny that.
He thought, he hoped, perhaps things that happened between them would be forgotten someday. Things he had done to Severus. Foolishly, he sought forgiveness of his sins from the boy whom he had tormented despicably.
The notion was there, all along. Sirius just pretended not to notice.
A pang of guilt mixed with envy was sharp in his heart as he took in the scene where the girl lurched forward to kiss the Slytherin. It tore his inside so brutally that Sirius had to turn his head and fled the scene.
Of course, his desire to be forgiven was reckless. How can you forgive someone like him?
Sirius knew he wouldn't be able to forgive him if he was in Severus' shoe. During all this time he spent with the Slytherin, Sirius felt his guilt growing and growing. After Severus gave birth to Caelum, he started to open his heart to Sirius. His sharp tongue no longer directing at him, he spoke with less sarcasm and more humor. He no longer gets easily irritated and he showed little reluctance to be neared Sirius. Sirius noticed Severus' change in attitude long before the birth, but the changes were more tangible afterwards. One night, when Sirius and Severus was lying together, Caelum fast asleep in between them, the fragile boy started to speak of himself.
Severus spoke of his family and his life at Spinner's End. It was bleak and horrid, dark and grim. The more he spoke of his life, the more guilt Sirius felt. He felt as though there was a lump throat and lead in his stomach.
Sirius felt like the worst bastard in the world when he heard the boy told his story.
He tormented this guy, ever since he met him on the train. Severus Snape was already being abused by his own family and Sirius added another misery in his life.
The Gryffindor boy could swear he never felt such self-loathing directed at him in the past.
How he must have felt. How much he hated Sirius.
How stupid and craven Sirius was.
Which is why the words of forgiveness and promise of future were so much astonishing to Sirius.
When he realized the extent of his own sins, Sirius was ready to give up his own desire for Severus' happiness. No, maybe not ready, but he forced himself to be good. He wanted Severus to be happy, the boy deserved to be.
But Severus bestowed to him that Sirius thought he had lost: a promise of more.
A future together.
His heart swelled with pure glee at hearing that. Sirius doubted his hearing when he heard Severus said he chose Sirius over Lily Evans but the determined look on those black orbs assured him it was not a dream.
And this moment, when his heart was returned with same feeling, was much greater than the ones where he absent-mindedly mimicked James Potter's childishness.
He was sorry for what he did, and he shall never forget the things we've done to Severus. He shan't, so that he could spend all the remaining days to make amends for his heart.
…...…...…...…...…...…...
The castle of Hogwarts were in deep sleep as the dungeon in beneath the lake. The soft sound of breathing was the only noise filled the air until Sirius Black bolted upright glaring at the dark room. Severus stirred awakened as he felt the bed spring moved.
"What is it?" A soft voice filled with sleepiness asked.
Sirius did not answer for a moment as he tried to detect any sign of movement inside the nursery.
"Sirius?" Severus called him with worries.
Sirius, taken out of his reverie, jolted, "hmm? Oh, uh, nothing. I thought I just heard-"
"Is it Caelum?"
They waited to see if the baby's stirred, but no sound came from the smaller room.
Severus scoffed, "N.E.W. T taking over you? You haven't slept much these days."
"Well I was needed in so many different ways these days." Sirius countered before he snorted and pecked a light kiss on Severus' lips.
"I wonder who would want such dolt like yourself?"
"I wonder that", Sirius chuckled low as he deepened the kiss.
Their relationship gotten more deeper and stronger after 'Lily Evans incident' and they were having the happiest moment in their lives albeit hectic.
Remus found out about them the very next morning and congratulated them. Although…. he did find it peculiar why the sudden change happened.
After few months, Severus was able to attend classes and topped Potion and Herbology, effortlessly. Somehow, Sirius felt like he had topped the class.
Lily Evans never came near Severus or Sirius, nor did she speak about anything ever happened between them. She simply pretended that all of this never even occurred, which was frightening Severus. Though he decided he should follow suit, since Severus didn't want to upset Sirius.
Time flew so quickly and when Caelum started his first babbling (which sounded like 'da' and 'eh-bu'), Severus and Sirius both managed to pass N.E.W.T safely.
Severus, to his own surprise, passed it with more than four Os. Considering the lack of time, he'd spent on studying, Severus was quite satisfied with the result.
But what's more surprising was the fact that Sirius Black gotten all the requirement for becoming an Auror. Although he hadn't mentioned he would become one, but Severus knew he was delighted with the result.
And when the weather gotten more and more hot, the graduation day came nearer.
Severus grew so worried as he tried to pack all his belongings. His constant stares at the nursery door didn't go unnoticed and Sirius made sure Mimny got the address right.
The loyal house-elf assured them again and again that she knew what to do and where to head.
But it wasn't the lack of trust that made Severus anxious. It was general fear for what might happen or not. The fact that he have to be apart with his baby made him sick in the stomach.
"Don't worry, nothing will happen." Sirius assured him, repeatedly.
Severus glanced up at him before turning his gaze over his shoulder. Sirius sighed and wrapped his arm around Severus, bringing him closer.
"Hey, you're shaking." Sirius said, worried.
Severus leant against the taller, stronger body without a word.
"Severus, it will be fine. Mimny knows what she's doing." Remus offered comfort, pitying the Slytherin boy.
Sirius pecked a kiss on Severus' temple, "Yeah, she got the address, she'll get there alright."
Severus looked up at the taller boy, finding the grey eyes calming his nerves, he gave a nod.
"Snape?"
A voice came from behind.
The three boys startled and turned to see a brown-haired boy standing behind them.
An inquiring look adorned Severus' feature.
"Professor Dumbledore wants to see you. He's at the headmaster's office." And with that, the boy took off as though we've done what he came for.
The three of them frowned.