CHAPTER 28

Nearly three days had passed since the attack. Jamie, Claire and Ian were trying to go about their regular routines as normal as they could manage. Skylar, however, was not. She stayed inside the cabin, only allowing Claire to come in. She felt so unbelievably guilty at keeping Ian and Jamie away. She couldn't imagine what was going through Ian's mind. She wanted nothing more than to have him with her, having him hold her and making her feel safe and protected. But she was so scared that if he touched her, she would panic again. She saw how hurt he was when she pushed him away. She couldn't handle seeing that look on his face again because of her.

She was also so ashamed over how defeated she was allowing herself to feel as she believed she didn't have the right to be. She hadn't been the only one affected that night. She had asked Claire what else had happened and she was given the honest answer. Bonnet had murdered Lesley as he was trying to protect Claire. Skylar realized that was what, or in actuality who, had been under the blanket that she saw. The following morning, they buried Lesley on the bank of the river. Skylar did not attend. She stood in front of the cabin door for 15 minutes, trying to make herself go outside to say goodbye to him. But every time she took a step forward, she went right back. When Claire came back, she tried to assure the young girl no one thought badly of her for not being at the burial, and that Lesley was not upset at her and understood as he watched over. But Skylar knew she would never forgive herself for having been absent from now two of her good friends' final moments.

Bonnet had also hurt Claire during his raid. He had tried to steal both of her wedding rings and before he could take them, she shoved them in her mouth to keep them safe. That hadn't deterred Bonnet. He forced his finger into her mouth and got away with one of them. He left in possession of Jamie's wedding ring, leaving her with the band from her first marriage in her time. It was all too plain how devastated Claire was at losing the ring she got when she married the love of her life. But she tried to hide it and push it away so she could focus on helping Skylar through each day; and that only added onto Skylar's guilt.

So now, she sat on her bed with her back against the wall and her knees pulled into her chest, trying to snap herself out of this dark place she couldn't seem to find a light in. She tenderly touched the marks on her neck and upper chest, something she'd been doing so often since that night it was almost an unconscious action now. The morning after, they had become large purple bruises. Claire did everything she could to make them fade as quickly as possible. She used treatments she knew worked for regular bruises and it seemed to help. She laid a wet cloth on them, alternating between cold water and hot water, as well as peppermint oil and gentle massage to "help stimulate blood flow," she kept explaining. Between those methods and aloe vera to help with the swelling, the marks had gone down remarkably quick. They were still visible, but would likely be gone within the next couple days. But that was still too long. Every moment that Skylar knew they were there, she was reminded of how she got them and felt herself sink deeper.

As she touched them, she clenched her eyes tight, again forcing back the tears that had been threatening for three days.

Claire came into the cabin, pushing back the makeshift curtain she had put up.

"Would you like a peach?" the woman offered, holding out the fruit. Skylar looked at it, wary. She didn't have much of an appetite. "You have to eat, Skylar. You've barely had anything in the last two days." She kept holding out the fruit until the girl in question reluctantly took it. She had resorted back to her bad habits of not eating or sleeping. But not from stress. She had no motivation or energy to try. Or if she did manage to close her eyes for a few minutes, she was woken up instantly by Bonnet's face flashing in her mind.

Claire was about to walk back out when Skylar stopped her, "Claire?" She turned back to Skylar. "Do you think you might be able to help fix my dress?" They both looked at the small blanket on the opposite bench that the piece of clothing was hidden under. "I really like that one."

Claire was a little surprised. She had thought Skylar would never want to see, let alone wear, it again. But if that's what she wanted.

"Of course." She came back in and took out her sewing materials from under the bench. As she mended the dress, she kept an eye on the young girl across the room. She was playing with the peach in her hands, only taking bird bites out of it here and there. She was very obviously far from okay after what she had been through. Claire wished so much she could talk to her about it, but she knew she couldn't force it. Skylar would come to her when she was ready.

They sat in silence for a number of minutes until Skylar asked, in all seriousness, "Am I being completely ridiculous?"

Claire looked up. "About what, dear?"
She searched for the words to use but settled on, "This. How I'm acting." Claire set the dress aside, showing that Skylar had her full attention. "I shouldn't be feeling like this. It's not right. I don't deserve to."

"Why would you say that?"
"Because. Because, it's not like I was-" she stopped, not wanting to say the word. "He didn't…rape me, or anything. Nothing really happened. I can't stop thinking about all the other girls he must've done so much worse to. What did he do to me? Give me some hickeys? Rip my clothes? That's nothing!" Her voice was starting to break and tears threatened. But she fought them back, as she had since it happened, not believing she had the right to cry. "And here I am, wanting to die every time I remember, not being able to close my eyes without seeing him! I'm not even able to let my-my boyfriend hold my hand for Christ's sake without freaking out! And God, Ian. What Bonnet did to me, that doesn't even begin to compare to what he went through with Geillis. He was in so much pain and he was still able to be a fucking member of society! He could be around people, around me and let me kiss him and touch him and he didn't…he didn't want to just crawl into a hole and disappear. I don't deserve to be this broken over this!"

Claire went over next to her and took her hand. "Look at me, Skylar," she said, softly but firmly. Gritting her teeth to keep herself from crying, Skylar looked at her. Claire continued, "What happened to you may not be the textbook definition of "rape," but what he did to you was sexual assault. You cannot compare your story with someone else's. It doesn't matter what he's done to others or what other people have endured. It does not minimize what you went through. It does not make it less of a trauma. You are allowed to have these enormous bad feelings about it. You're allowed to feel angry and sad."

Hearing Claire's words, she still didn't fully believe it, but she found she wasn't stopping some tears from escaping. And once the first few fell, everything followed. She wrapped her arms around Claire's waist and buried her face in her chest, finally letting herself react. Claire just held her as tight as she could, letting her cry for as long as she needed.

When she started to settle, Skylar sat up and wiped her eyes. Sniffing, she said quietly, "Thank you, Claire. I'm sorry about…that."

"Oh, darling," she responded, smoothing the hurt girl's hair. "You're going to be alright. No matter how long it takes. And you won't go through it alone. You have all of our love and support and we're here for you no matter what."

"I know I rarely talk about my life in my time, but right now, I really wish I had my mom. I can't even say she's watching over me because she won't even be born for another 200 years." She delicately touched the necklace still hanging around her neck. She wanted to be able to see the moon to talk to her mom and feel some sort of comfort, something that had helped her while on the Artemis. But with her fear keeping her from being able to leave the cabin, she was unable to do that and, though she had Claire with her, it only made her feel more alone and sad.

"I know that I could never take your mother's place, but please know that for whatever you may need, I'm always here."

Skylar gave her a soft smile in response and hugged her again.

OUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDER

After another full day, they finally made it to Cross Creek, which meant they were only a day or two at the very most from River Run. Skylar was still hesitant to come out of the cabin, but she wanted to try something that might help her start to move forward.

"Claire?" she said. Claire was in the cabin with her cleaning her medical tools.

"Yes, darling?"

"Can you ask Ian to come in please?"

Claire tried to hide the shock she felt at that request.

"Of course. Are you sure?"
"Definitely." Claire smiled at her then went outside.

I hope I am, she thought.

She was missing Ian like mad and couldn't stand not being around him anymore. She hoped that reconnecting with him and having their relationship go back to as normal as it could would push her towards putting the whole night behind her.

But as she waited for him to come inside, she couldn't help feeling horribly nervous things might only get worse.

Ian was going crazy. He was sitting on the deck with Rollo, trying to focus his mind on anything other than the woman he loved who was alone and in pain, separated from him by a thin piece of cloth acting as a door. But that was easier said than done. It had been more than three days since he had been able to see Skylar and he didn't know how much longer he could bear it. He understood what his Auntie Claire had told him, that she probably wasn't able to be around any men since she panicked at his touch. But it was killing him not knowing if she was okay. He pestered Claire every time she came from the cabin, asking about her, and she always assured him that Skylar was doing alright at the moment, though still had a ways to go in terms of recovery. But he needed to see her himself. He needed to hold her and kiss her and let her know how much he loved her. He needed to tell her he would do whatever it took to support her and care for her through this, and he didn't care how long that would be.

At that moment, Claire came out.

"Ian," she called, walking over to him. He stood up, anxious to hear anything she had to say. She gave him a small smile and said, "She wants to see you."

"She does?" he confirmed, joy radiating through his body. Claire nodded. He started to bolt for the cabin, but his Aunt stopped him. "Go slow, Ian," she warned.

He listened and walked to the doorway. He licked his lips, suddenly feeling nervous, and cautiously moved past the curtain. He saw her sitting on the bed, just in her shift. She was looking off to the side and her leg was bouncing wildly. He could tell she was gripping the edge of the bed tightly from how white her knuckles were. She was nervous too.

He took a breath before he said anything. Though she was only in her plain white under gown with her hair simply falling down her back with nothing done to it, she was still the most beautiful girl in the world. It destroyed him seeing her so defeated and he prayed he would be able to help her in any way he could.

"Yank?" he said gently. She looked over at him and a real genuine smile took over her face. Seeing her smile like that with some light back in her eyes made him want to run to her and grab her tight. But he stopped himself, remembering what his Aunt had said. So all he could do was smile back, "happy" not being close to adequately describe what he felt looking at her.

They stayed looking at each other until Skylar said, "Sit next to me?"
With all of his willpower, he paced himself walking to her. He sat down a few inches away, not wanting to overwhelm her.

He took her in, and what he saw ripped his heart out of his chest. She looked exhausted and dark circles laid under her eyes, like she hadn't slept in days. There were a couple small cuts on her cheek from where Bonnet had hit her, and the faded remnants of what were once dark purple bruises of various sizes were scattered all over her neck. He could see some peeking from under her collar as well. In that moment, he felt like he could murder Bonnet with his bare hands.

"I've missed you," she told him.

"I've missed ye too."

Skylar looked down at his hand, a mere three inches from hers. She was itching to reach out and take it. She was aching to feel his touch again. She was just so scared.

"I'm sorry," she said, not looking up. "I didn't want to keep you away, believe me. I wanted you with me. I felt like I couldn't breathe without you next to me. But I knew how hurt you were when I pulled away from you before and I couldn't have handled making you feel like that again."

"Ye do not have te apologize for anythin', love," he countered. "There was nothin' that ye did wrong. My heart did break in half when you were scared of me touchin' ye, but not fer the reason ye think. My heart broke because I could see how much fear ye were in and there was nothin' I could do te help ye." He looked down at her hand as well. "It's me that will never be able te say how desperately sorry I truly am."

She looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

"I have been racked with guilt since that night. It's me fault ye were attacked. I should never have let ye go outside in the dark on yer own."

"You wanted to come with me, Ian. I told you not to."

"I should have insisted. I should have been there with ye. I should have protected ye. It-it's me job te make sure nothin' bad happens te ye, ever. And I failed."

Not even thinking about it, Skylar moved closer to him and grabbed his hand. Ian looked at their hands locked together in shock, then back at her.

"If you had been with me, you couldn't have stopped him. He was going to get what he wanted, and if you were in his way…I don't want to even imagine what he would've done to you. It's by some unbelievable miracle that I was able to push him off, and that he didn't kill me for it. It's not your fault, Ian. Stephen Bonnet is a monster."

"Yer holdin' me hand, Yank," he said, in awe. She looked down and saw that she was gripping his hand. And she was okay. The fact she could do that brought fresh tears to her eyes. She gingerly brought his hand to her lips and kissed it.

Ian, wanting to see if he could go further, raised his other hand and brought it halfway to her face.

"Is it…alright, if I touch yer cheek?"

Reminding herself that this was Ian, the man who adored her and who was not going to hurt her, she answered, "Yes."

He placed his hand on her so tenderly as though she were a porcelain doll he was afraid of breaking. She flinched at first contact, but she didn't let herself pull away. In fact, she leaned into him.

"Ian," she sighed, letting the tears fall, both from happiness at having him with her again and at letting herself feel pain at the memory of what happened. He used his thumb to wipe them away, fighting back his own.

"I will never let anythin' happen te ye ever again, my love," he promised. "I swear it."

Ian stayed with her the rest of the day and through the night. Jamie had no issue with letting them be alone together. He knew that having Ian with her was the best thing for Skylar and forcing a third person on them would do nothing to help anything.

Skylar had fallen asleep that night to the soothing feeling of Ian brushing his fingers through her hair as she rested her head in his lap. He watched her as she slept, feeling a stabbing in his heart and gut every time he remembered what had happened. She had repeatedly told him it wasn't his fault and there was no way he could have stopped it, but he didn't believe that. He still felt sickly guilty over letting the girl he swore he would never hurt, in fact, get hurt while he had been just a few feet away.

Skylar had been there for him when he was going through his own recovery from the unbearable agony of what happened to him in Jamaica, and he was determined to do the same for her.

Whatever she needs, whenever she needs it, he thought, remembering her words to him.

She slept for almost a full 24 hours, and when she woke up, she decided she wanted to try to go outside.

"Ye dinna have te do anythin' until yer ready. No one is askin' ye te hurry," Ian assured her.

"I know that. I want to though. I mean, we're gonna be at River Run any day now and I can't just stay in here the whole time."

Understanding that this was her own decision and what she really did want to do, he helped put her dress on over her shift and tied the laces, then took her hand to lead her outside.

But before they moved past the curtain, Skylar stopped them. "Wait," she said. "There's something I wanna do first before we go out there."

She moved in close to him, putting her hands on his face, and kissed him. He very delicately held onto her hips and kissed her back just as gently.

They separated after not too long and she said with a small smile, "I really missed that."

He returned her smile and pulled her into him, hugging her, and she nuzzled her face into his neck. They stayed in the embrace for a minute, enjoying the safety they both felt from the other's arms. Then Ian took her hand again and they walked outside.

At the first moment on deck, Skylar squinted and blinked at the sun. Though light had come into the cabin, it had been dimmed by the curtain and she needed a few moments to let her eyes readjust to the full bright sunlight.

Claire, who had been sitting at the front edge of the boat with Jamie, looked up when she came out and smiled at her, sweetly and comforting.

She walked over to her and asked, "How are you feeling, dear?"

"Hungry," she answered honestly.

Claire touched her arm affectionately and said, "I'll get some food. Wait here." Skylar nodded and the older woman went inside.

When she was gone, Skylar turned towards Jamie. He hadn't looked at her when she came out. He had his eyes locked on the water in front of him. She let go of Ian's hand and went to sit next to the older Scot. Neither of them said anything. Jamie's face was very hard and stern, like he was actively not looking at her. She could tell he blamed himself for all that happened that night.

After nearly two minutes of silence, she broke it by starting to say, "Jamie, you know that nothing that happened was your fault, right?"

"It is though," he replied, keeping his head straight. "I failed ye. Claire, Ian, Lesley, ye, ye were all under my protection. And I couldna do just that."

"Jamie, that's not true. You didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing you could've done to stop any of it."

He didn't answer her. Instead, he just said, "I need te relieve Captain Freeman from the pole." He stood up and left without giving her any glance.

Skylar watched him go. She was caught in a vicious cycle. Two of the most important people in her life felt horribly guilty over not having been able to protect her which in turn made her feel horribly guilty for putting them through that.

Claire came back and sat in front of her, handing Skylar the food she had brought. She said to the teenager, "You don't have to worry about him. He'll come around eventually and accept he's wrong." She had seen the exchange between Skylar and her husband from the cabin door and knew what Skylar was thinking. "He just can't help it. His main duty in life is to not let any sort of harm come to those he loves, and when one of those people gets hurt, all he can do is think of the ways he could've prevented it; even if that wouldn't have been possible. He'll let that eat at him until there's nothing left."

"Between both Jamie and Ian blaming themselves…God, it's gonna kill me," Skylar stated.

"You don't blame yourself though, right? Because you know what happened absolutely wasn't your fault in any way."

Skylar looked down, playing with her dress skirt. "I don't know, I…I just-I should've…why couldn't I push him away sooner? Why couldn't I scream and alert you guys? I could've stopped him sooner. Or if I just hadn't gone outside, I could've helped fight him and maybe Lesley wouldn't have been…" She couldn't finish that sentence without feeling sick to her stomach. "Or he wouldn't have taken your ring."

Claire touched her now bare finger where Jamie's wedding ring had resided for so long. There was a flicker of sadness in her face, but she came out of it and said, "There's no point in playing 'what if'. Especially when we know the outcome would likely be the same."

Deep down, Skylar knew Claire was right. Had she stayed in the cabin when Bonnet attacked, she was only one person, and a very small person at that with next to no physical strength. She likely would have been no help. Still, she couldn't stop thinking about that dreaded what if.

She was brought out of her head at something wet and cold touching her hand. She looked down and saw it was Rollo. He was pushing her hands away with his nose so he could lay his head on her lap. Both women laughed lightheartedly at the dog's sweet action.

"Yeah, you're the best of all of us, aren't you. You're the real hero," Skylar said to him as she scratched his ears. She kissed his head and Rollo licked her face in response.

"I suppose he's not as bloodthirsty as I thought he was," Claire admitted. She leaned down to him and said, "I apologize for misjudging you." Accepting her apology, he licked Claire's face as well, causing Skylar to let out a genuine laugh which felt so good. Being able to feel that authentic happiness helped her to believe that what happened that night wasn't going to define her or break her. She was going to be able to move on from it and live a full and good life, and would one day forget that Stephen Bonnet ever existed.

I love you all. Stay safe and healthy, and I'll see you in chapter 29.