Don't Die

by Alice84

We've been placing our future in other people's hands. We've been looking for help since the beginning, and it hasn't worked at all until now. I think it's time we stop. We gotta stop looking for others to be our solution, we gotta stop believing other places and other people will save us. What we gotta do now is take control of our situation and make it happen. We, not others!

28. Day 71

Day 71

I should have stayed in bed.

All of us. We should all have just had a lie in, done nothing all day. We should have stayed in bed.

I woke up in Daryl's arms and I should have just stayed there, head pillowed in his chest, his both arms circling me tight even as he slept. My leg was thrown over his, my dreadlocks everywhere. I tightened my grip around him, breathing in, his earthy smell mingled with sweat and sex. I had to remember to wash the sheet later, our fluids were probably all over them but right now? I couldn't care less, because Daryl was awake and turning to me, burying his head in my neck, breathing me in. I just moaned wordlessly, letting him push me to lay on my back and kiss me, slow and sensually. He settled between my legs and looked down at me with a question. Hugging him tight to me, I smiled and nodded, spreading my legs a bit more just as he started to slide in. I sighed when the filled me.

"Morning," he said, keeping still inside me.

I smiled widely, "Morning handsome."

Unlike last night, we were slow and soft. We made love rather than fucked. My heart swelled at the thought of Daryl making love to me. I felt like crying with our eyes locked and he moved in and out of me, and when we came it was at the same time, small cries, his forehead against mine.

God, I couldn't get enough of him. Now I've had him, I wanted more if it was possible. I wanted to make love to him again just as soon as we stopped, I wanted to stay in there all day with him, doing it all day, cuddling with him, kissing him. Damn, I had it bad. No guy had ever made me feel like that, it was all so new to me, but so very welcome. It felt so good to be feeling those things that had always scared me before.

"I wish I'd known…" I said without planning it.

Daryl just lifted his head from where he'd rested it on my neck and looked at me questioning.

"That it'd be like that… With you. I'd have tried to get close to you years ago."

He was thoughtful at that, rested an elbow on the ground propping his head up in his hand and turning to the side a little, sliding out. I could feel his fluids oozing out of me.

"Can't know if it'd be like this."

I looked away from him up to the tent. Outside, the sun had only just started to rise. "Yeah… I was someone else."

"I was too. Don't think being close to me or my brother would be good for your drinkin' problem."

"Why do you say that?" I looked at him again.

"'Cause you know Merle… And there was a time I nearly got into it too. Just stopped 'cause I didn't want to end up like my father. Helped Merle sell for a while too."

"If we were together then… We could have either helped each other out of it or just sank down together with no way back."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Can't know."

"Just can't believe the world had to end for us to happen," I told him and he said nothing, just nodding a little and biting his lip. "Can I ask you somethin'?" he nodded again. "Why'd you tell me to fuck off?"

He knew what I meant. It was the first time we saw each other. I mean, I had seen him during my moving day, he was at his porch looking curiously at the people moving next door to him, but he first time we stopped and spoke to each other.

I was fourteen and had just moved there with my dad and Bobby-Jo. I hated being there. I wanted to be in Atlanta, near my friends, my school. I had just finished 9th grade and now I'd have to go to a new school, meet people all over again. Back then, at 14, I had no patience to meet new people and I was feeling like going to school less and less. I was still not addicted to anything other than cigarettes but even that young I already smoked pot with my friends.

That afternoon, over a week after moving, I was behind our new house, hiding just out of the yard on the patch of woods there was there to smoke a cigarette. There were no fences, it was all open. I had my back against a tree, out of sight if my dad came out of the house. I lit it, took a smoke and looked back at the house to make sure nobody was there, and when I looked back at the road the neighbor was walking towards our houses through the woods. He startled me, I had not seen him approach. I recognized him as the boy next door who'd been looking as we moved in. He was wearing a brown tank top and was dirty from head to feet, as if he'd been in the woods for a while.

"Holy shit!" I cried, a hand on my chest. "Fuck, I thought you was my dad," and I laughed in relief saying "phew!" He said nothing, just stood there, rooted, staring at me. I took another drag and kept talking, "You live there, right?"

He nodded fast, a bit unnatural, but still said nothing. I smiled at him. A shy, cute boy that looked dangerous? Yep, I'd hit that.

"You smoke?" I asked him and he nodded again. I fished into the pocket of my sweat pants and extended the pack and lighter to him. "I'm Sam. What's your name?"

That was a question that would actually have to make him speak and he seemed to notice that too. He ignored the cigarette and started walking towards his house, finally saying "None of ya business. Fuck off."

Well, that was a disappointment. I thought since he was near my age I could make a friend, and he was cute, dammit, but he was an asshole. I got angry at him because I'd done nothing wrong, and decided I would never speak to him again.

"'Cause I was just stupid kid," he answered now. "Didn't know how to talk to people, especially with pretty girls like you. You offered me a cigarette and you was smoking like a pro and I hadn't been able to smoke without coughing my lungs off yet. Would've make as ass of myself in front of ya."

"Well… You kinda did anyways telling me to fuck off.'

"I chose to make you think of me as an asshole instead of as an idiot."

"You don't know I'd have thought you an idiot… I'd pro'ly have taught you to smoke right."

"Yeah, but I didn't know that. Thought you'd be the one to tell me to fuck off 's soon as I started speakin' to ya."

I smiled up at him. I understood. "I'd do to, I think. Was fourteen and trying to be and look cooler than I was."

"You looked cool to me," he said and I didn't really believe him. "Ya did. All pretty, blondie with the eyes," he gestured to my eyes with a finger and I laughed, "and standing in the woods like that with a cigarette and cursing and all. Too cool for an ass redneck like me."

I turned to my side to get even closer to him, a hand on his chest, "Well, you should know that when you came down of the woods with a gun in hand and all looking dangerous and mysterious, my developing hormones went nuts."

He shook his head, "Nah, ya just sayin' it."

"I mean it! But well, then you told me to fuck off and I let it go for all those years."

He was quiet for a moment, thoughtful, a hand tracing my underboob tattoo. "Was better like that. If we got along then with all the hormones we'd be making a baby after another."

I laughed aloud and he was surprised. It was true, hormonal and irresponsible, I'd end up pregnant on our first time.

"Well, what matters," I said when I stopped laughing, "is we get along now and we'll be doing all the hormones ask us too, and I can't get more pregnant than I already am, so I guess we're good."

"We're good…" he said before leaning in and kissing me.

"Can we just stay here?" I asked him lazily after the kiss. "All day… Do nothing, see no one?"

"Nah…" he said quietly. "Sophia is out there. Gotta find her."

Shock of reality. Time to wake up. I nodded and kissed him again before we got back to the world outside.

We should have stayed in bed.

They knew. Fuck, they'd heard us last night. The little smile and raised eyebrow Andrea gave in my direction was too foreign for it to mean nothing. Rick laughed a little looking at me when I looked around questioningly, and looked down at his food again. I looked at Daryl who seemed to also have noticed it. We'd tried to be careful with the noises! Or so we thought. Discretion inside a camping tent is not as possible as I'd thought. I couldn't wait to have a real bedroom.

We were all having breakfast, eating real eggs – the perks of being in a fam, when Glenn got up from his seat, nervous, trying to say something. He called out our attention but most people didn't even look at him. I stared at him, waiting, my wrist aching. Something bad was coming.

"The barn is full of walkers."

There was a heavy silence for a moment, when people kind of woke up and tried to understand what he meant. I lowered my half full plate of eggs to a little camping table and got up from where I'd been sitting by Daryl, walking over to Glenn.

"You said what?"

"The – the, uh – The barn. There are walkers inside, locked in."

"How do you know that? How long've you known that?"

"Two nights ago?" he replied as a confession. "Maggie asked me not to tell so I didn't know what to do!"

"Fuck," I said and then turned away to walk in the direction of the barn, yelling "Fuck!"

I head movement right behind me, the others were following. What the fuck did he mean the barn's full of walkers? This sentence made no sense! Why had none of us ever gone near the barn enough to notice it?

But there they were. I looked in thought a gap, Shane doing the same a little above my head, and the walkers were there, dormant, walking blindly in the dark, and there were many of them, uncountable through the gap. One of them looked directly at us, noticing the presence of the living, and Shane and I retreated.

"Do you still wanna stay?" Shane barked at Rick. "You cannot tell me you alright with this!"

"No, I'm not, but we're guests here, this isn't our land," Rick seemed to be trying to keep level headed.

"This is our lives!" Shane shouted.

"Keep your voice down!" Glenn called out, we were really too close from the walkers.

"Either we go in there and do what we gotta do or we just fucking go!" Shane yelled and then found me among the others, "The house you wanna us to move to? To fucking close to this pet herd here! Not safe at all! We gotta get going, we been talking 'bout Fort Benning for a long time!"

"We can't go," Rick told him.

"Why, Rick? Why?"

Carol was he one to answer, "Because my daughter is still out there."

Then a fight started because Shane pretty much told Carol Sophia was dead by now and Daryl got angry because he'd been nearly killing himself out there to find her, and there was the house she seemed to have been in and the doll and fuck, it was all a mess. I turned my back on them when Daryl tried to jump on Shane, yelling, someone held them, and I didn't wanna see it. Fuck it all. I started walking back to the camp and didn't see the end of the fight, but at some point people started to follow me back and away from the barn.

I was already kicking earth on the fire to put it down and throwing the grill and pans to the side when they got near.

"What now?" Theo asked first.

"Now we're leaving. We ain't sleeping another night in this farm," I looked around at all the others and gave the order. I didn't want any discussion on this. I'd had enough discussing it. "Start packing, We'll have work to do at the house so the sooner we get there, the better."

"Did you not fuckin' hear what I said?" Shane came over, chest puffed in an attempt to intimidate me, fast steps in my direction. "It's too close from all the walkers! You insane wanting to keep us around!"

Daryl came over and stood between Shane and I because Shane was not stopping even as he got close to me, menacing. Shane stared angrily at him and Daryl held him on, both ready to attack again, as Rick came over to try to separate them and it was all nearly starting all over again. So stood by their side, looking up at the three fire-spitting men.

"You all with the testosterone, that's enough!" I said loudly to make them listen. They looked at me, the same anger in their eyes, except maybe for Daryl who wasn't angry at me specifically. I looked at Shane, staring up at him and all but yelled, "You want so much to go to Fort Benning, then just fuckin' go! Ain't nobody holding you here! Just go!" and I looked around at the others. "Anyone who wants to go with him, do as you wish!" and I looked at the enraged man again. "You're unhappy, just go. We're moving to the house." And I got away from his face, looked around again at the stunned others and aid, a bit calmer, "Come on, let's pack."

Nobody disagreed, they all just started moving, except for Shane who kept on his spot breathing hard, looking like he'd explode. When he spoke again, at least was something coherent. "I want someone on the lookout around the bard at every minute until we leave! Two hours each, I'll start and Glenn'll take over after me!"

And he stormed out. It was all quiet for a moment and my heart was pounding, so I took a breath to calm down and them marched to where mine and Daryl's tents were. I entered mine to start collecting my clothes that were thrown all over and thrown them in the backpack and for the noises I head Daryl was doing the same to his. I didn't feel like talking right now, there was too much in my mind. What the fuck was Hershel thinking, keeping walkers in the barn?

But well, I knew what he was thinking. Didn't agree at all, but I knew. He'd said on the first day we were here that he thought there was a cure. He was expecting the crew to come over and heal those walkers in there. Their bodies were decomposing, but sure, they could be healed. They'd be missing a face and all the blood from their bodies, but life would go on normally after that. For fucks' sakes…

After I got the tent empty, putting my bag and the foldable bed I wouldn't be using anymore near the cars where everybody else was doing the same, Daryl had already finished with his few things and was putting my tent down. His, or now ours, but hopefully we wouldn't need to use it again, was already down on the ground.

"Hey," Daryl said as he saw me get closer. "Going to get the horse and go out again, find her trail after the waterfall."

"You sure you're fine to go? Especially on the horse again?"

"I'm fine," he said and I knew he was annoyed in general at things.

"Well then when you come back go straight to the house, we'll pro'ly be there already."

"Yeah, I'll meet you there."

He turned to go after that, leaving the tents folded on the ground for me to deal with.

"Daryl?" I called him back and he looked at me, turning around and still taking steps backwards. "Don't die, alright?"

He nodded gravely and left, going to the stables. Noticing Rick's absence, I asked Lori about him and she said he'd gone to talk to Hershel. Goddam stubborn men! Whatever, I didn't care, fuck him. If he wanted to stay in tis farm with his family, fine. He could stay, Shane could go to the fucking fort, whatever, I'd keep the others safe at a house with real beds for the moment before moving on.

"Sam?" I heard Maggie call me and turned to look at her. I dropped a backpack onto the pile before standing with her, drying the sweat from my forehead. "You're leaving?"

"Yep. We're leaving."

"Were you not gonna tell us?"

"I don't see why, Maggie. None of you cared to tell us you kept walkers in the barn."

She looked down, taking a breath. "I asked Glenn not to tell you because my dad wanted it like this."

"I know, Maggie, and he thinks they are people, and that there's a cure. I'll tell you something, this is insanity. Alright? This is him and all of you holding on to hope that things are not over, that those people are not dead, and I understand someone trying to keep up hope, but come on! If they were people you knew, I'm sorry 'bout what I'll say not, but they are dead. They are putrefying on their feet. They should be buried with honors and love, and not rotting as they walk in a locked barn!"

I turned away from her because I was getting too angry and she was quiet for a moment. I was looking at the barn at the distance and saw Shane was there guarding it and Rick went to talk to him. Damn them.

"I know that," Maggie said after a moment, her voice dripping sadness and trembling. "My stepmom and stepbrother are there, together with many other people we knew. But I get it now. A walker tried to kill me at the pharmacy and Glenn saved my life. It changed how I see them."

I turned back to her. "I'm sorry about your mom and bother," I said calmly. "They deserve to rest like all the other people we've loved and died deserve. I would never leave my dad in that situation. Never."

She nodded, looking down. "Where you all gonna go?"

"We'll stay at the house a few miles that way," I pointed. "Daryl and I found it. We'll stay until we find Sophia, and then we'll be on our way. See where the road takes us, find a safe place." Seeing Maggie just nod, I moved on. "I'll talk to your father before we go. Rick's still around him lickin' his boots to let him stay with his family, and it's his decision, not mine."

I didn't see when she walked away because I kept on with what I had to do. As the others were packing too, I looked around to count them all. Lori and Shane were speaking in the far out of the tent area, Andrea, Theo and Glenn were packing, Dale was checking on the RV engine, Carl was just sitting around doing nothing. And then there was Daryl, coming back already. I went over to meet him.

"You didn't go?"

"Carol told me not to."

"Wait, what?"

"She don't think Sophia's alive anymore!" he said angry punching the air. "Said I couldn't go 'cause I'd get hurt again and she couldn't lose me too!"

Wait, what?!

"She – what, she – Wow!" I was completely incoherent. "She can't lose you?"

He looked at me understanding what I was thinking. "She pro'ly didn't mean it like that."

After a pfff I said, "Wouldn't surprise me, you're all worried about her and the girl and you – I mean, you look like that," I pointed up and down at him.

"Stop," he said but he was calmer but turned to look away, in the general direction of the barn.

I hummed and crossed my arms. "And how'd you take it?"

He took a few seconds to answer, "Not well."

"Hm… Something you'd need to apologize for?"

"Pro'ly."

"Hey…" I said softly and he turned to look at me quietly, so I approached and paced my hands on his hips, "Maybe is for the best. You sill got stitches."

"Told you I'm fine."

"I know…"

He lowered his head until it was near mine. He'd calmed down now. "Ready to go?"

"Almost… People are finishing packing, but Rick's still out there kissin' Hershel's ass and Shane… God knows what Shane's planning."

"Leave'em… Their grown ass is not your responsibility."

"I will. They'll do whatever they wanna do."

"Good…" he paused. "I go talk to Carol."

"Okay."

He seemed a bit in doubt of how to say bye to me now, unwilling to just turn away and go now that things had changed between us, and even more because we were near the others. I didn't kiss him because I didn't know how he felt about public affection, but after a moment he gave a very quick peck on the lips and then he was gone. Adorable.

We were ready to go. Everyone was ready to go, except for Lori and Carl who seemed to be waiting for a miracle and just stay, and Rick and Shane who were simply gone for hours now. I wanted to at least set things straight with them before talking the road, and it was time. Glenn was sitting with Maggie on the porch and the others were just around, doing nothing, waiting.

When Daryl and I went to the porch to ask Glenn if he knew something, because Glenn seemed to know everything these days, Theo and Andrea followed. When I saw Shane come in our direction carrying heavy load I knew what was going on. I knew what he was gonna do. Daryl did too, because he stood by my side, eyeing Shane come and ask me "How we gonna go 'bout this?"

That was the thing. I didn't really think Shane was wrong about wanting to kill the barn walkers. It was not our decision, but the people in this farm were delusional and they'd end up getting killed by those they still called people. We'd be gone, but still near, if they escaped they wouldn't take long to reach us at the house. And if they escaped and found Sophia somewhere on the woods, she'd be gone too. If she wasn't yet, I mean. I had just seconds to make a decision. Shane was there, handing a rifle do Daryl, asking "You with me?" and Daryl took it but still didn't know what to do. "You got yours?" he asked me.

"No," I told him and the decision came. No going back. "Gimme one," I told him and he passed me another rifle. The others kept asking Shane questions and he made a little passionate speech about how they thought this place was safe and how everyone was just as insane as in constant danger, and then started marching to the barn. Before following him I looked at Maggie, and Beth and Patricia who were at the porch, and told them, "I'm sorry. I'll do this for your safety."

And we left but fuck! things just would stop getting worse! There was Rick in the far coming back with Hershel and Jimmy, dragging two walkers on leashes in the direction of the barn. They wanted to add more walkers there but that was enough. That was it, this was insanity! Rick was so desperate he was totally blind, completely losing his fucking mind.

But so was Shane. The way he kept on yelling and the things he was saying were completely out of control. He had to be stopped but right now he was dangerous. Everyone would better stay out of his way. He chose to show Hershel walkers were not people by shooting the one he had on the leash in the chest multiple times and it kept on standing and growling and Hershel seemed completely shocked. But when Shane started breaking the locks I was right at front with my rifle ready.

They fell like flies, the sound of the shots ringing in our years, as walker after walker got out of the barn. Shane even shot the one Rick was holding. I could not hear the cries behind us over the shots, but I knew we were breaking this family's hearts. These walkers had been people they knew, but they had to understand by now after seeing one of them get shot in the chest and keep going, that they were gone. They'd been gone for a long time and they deserved better.

Then it was over. The echo of the shots was the only sound for a long moment, even us who'd been shooting kind of in shock, and what the hell were we supposed to go now? What was I gonna say? I lowered my rifle, breathing hard. Hey, sorry we did exactly what you didn't want us to do, thank you for everything, bye-bye? We were gonna go away anyway, but now any kind of good relation we could have with this family was gone.

But then…

Just when you think things can't get any worse.

Sophia's dead body comes out of the barn.

The shock from a second ago was nothing compared to now. I head many "no" around but I was grounded, looking at her skinny dead body focus on us and growl, a huge bite mark on the side of her neck. From the back of the group, Carol screamed and called out to her baby girl and ran. I looked back and I knew nothing was going to stop Carol from going to Sophia and holding her, even as if it would mean her death.

"Daryl!" I shouted and he looked back to see Carol coming, and he instantly held her down as she fell to the ground, sobbing, her heart shattered.

Who'd do it? It had to be done. She was coming and she'd bite the first one she could see. It had to be done but everyone was rooted, most crying, even Shane had looked down looking defeated.

It had to be done.

Letting my rifle slide to the ground, I took my hunting knife from the holster. This was Sophia, I didn't want to shoot her. Maybe it was just pure sentimentality, but I felt like it should be more personal. Her mother was watching. I walked over to her and she saw me, focusing her dead eyes on me and she'd bite me is I wasn't careful, if I let the tears in my eyes blind me. I reached her and held her at bay by her forehead and she growled angrily, hands trying to grab me. I rounded her, holding her head still from behind with an arm, and she struggled but she had been such a tiny girl that it was not hard to keep her still.

I looked up then and found Carol. She was crying on the ground, Daryl holding her, but she wasn't screaming anymore. My chin trembled and I was crying but… it had to be done.

So I forced my knife into her temple. One strong, purposeful push and it was in, and she was quiet and still. I kept holding her as she went limp and lowered her as gently as I could to the ground. I laid her there and pulled the knife out, and then fell on my knees by her side, surrounded by walkers. I had no control over the tears that simple fell from my eyes, but I felt blank, empty, and couldn't express anything though my face.

Daryl was telling Carol not to look, but how much worse could it get to her heart? If mine was shattered, how would hers be now? She got up and struggled out of his hold and she ran away alone. I had no strength to get up. I couldn't. I had just put down what had been Sophia, the one we'd been looking for so long, who Daryl had nearly died in the efforts to find. She was here. She's been here all along, in the barn, and nobody had known. Mr. Greene would have said something if he knew, wouldn't he? He probably didn't know. Maybe it was Otis who brought the walkers and then he died and couldn't tell us. My mind was in overdrive and I just kept on crying and I knew people were slowly walking away, Beth's cries getting far, Shane, Rick, most of the others following.

And then Daryl was kneeling by my side and holding me, I hadn't seen him approach. His presence and his arms made me sob, but it was choked, tears flowing. He took the knife out of my hand, I had still ben clutching to it, and threw it away from us. I clung to him and he held on tight, shushing me, saying it was alright, it was over.

Yes, it was over, but it was not alight.

I gripped Daryl' arms and looked up at him. "Where'd she go?"

"I don't know, just away."

"Go to her?" I asked him. "Please? Just stay with her."

He was uncertain, just looking down at me, pain and resignation in his eyes.

"Her pain's bigger than mine now. Please stay with her?"

"You'll be ok?"

"I will. Soon. There's work to do."

He nodded. It felt good that he understood me, that he didn't insist on holding me as I cried, that he knew I was strong enough to do whatever I had to do now. So he helped me up, placed a hand on the side of my face and rubbed his thumb there, biting on his lower lip, and then turned and left.

I looked around then. There was me standing there, Dale as he paced in shock, Lori sitting with Carl as they looked at the carnage, and Jimmy and Theo standing as if waiting for instructions. From the house, still far, I saw Shane and Rick come back, quite a few paces of distance between them. From the barn, Andrea came out carrying a blanket and came over to where I was standing by Sophia. She looked at me and reached a hand to touch my shoulder, an empathetic look on her face.

"You did what you had no do. None of us could've done it".

I nodded, my chin tense curving my lips, and I was thankful she'd said that. Then she knelt by Sophia and carefully and respectfully covered her body. Lori sent Carl away with Dale and Shane and Rick stood near us.

"You want us to star burying them?" Theo asked

"We'll need a service," Andrea said. "Carol'd what that for Sophia."

"Jimmy?" I asked making him look up. "Who are Mr. Greene's wife and stepson?"

"Uh, there's, uh," he tried pointing but decided to go over and roll one walker from over another, a female one under it. "There's Annete, and, uh", he walked a little further and pointed at another one, "this is Shawn," he looked up at me again and around at the group and corrected himself, "Was."

"Ok… So Annete and Shawn and Sophia… We'll dig them graves over there," I pointed, "near Otis. The other's we'll take away as far as possible and… Burn'em."

They all nodded gravelly, Shane left saying he'd get the truck to move them, and we all started working.

Daryl was sitting on the RV counter, silent, looking over at Carol who as sitting at the table looking outside. Daryl looked at me as I entered and we exchanged a long look before I looked at Carol.

"Carol?" I said and she looked at me, a bit dazed. "There's a service… For Sophia," and Carol looked down and shook her head. I looked at Daryl and back at her. "you don't wanna be there?"

"Why would I?" she asked.

"'Cause that's your little girl," Daryl answered gently.

She looked up at him, "That's not my little girl. It's some other… Thing." Carol looked out the window again and I fully entered the RV, crossing in front of Daryl to sit across from her at the table. "My Sophia was alone in the woods. All this time I thought –" she paused and shook her head, her lips forming a sad, little smile. "She didn't cry herself to sleep. She didn't go hungry. She didn't try to find her way back. Sophia died a long time ago," she was silent for another moment before looking at me for long second and then saying, "But you never gave up," and looked at Daryl, "two of you never gave up. You'd've given your life for her in those woods," she looked at me with tears in her eyes. "I'll be forever grateful," I opened my mouth to say she didn't owe us anything but she kept on, looking from me to Daryl and back all the time she spoke, "and you have my trust. No matter what the others want to do from now on, I'm with you, no matter what."

My heart was swelling with love for that woman and in pain for all that was happening, and I was crying again as I reached other the table and grabbed her hand firmly, and she responded firmly. I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded at her, accepting her trust and yearning for her friendship. After a moment when we just exchanged a look under Daryl's gaze, I got up and puller her with me, making her stand.

"Let's go," I whispered. "It's a service for who Sophia was, not for the one from the barn. It's your baby girl, for the girl we've all met. Ok?"

She nodded, crying too, and I led her out of the RV. We walked her there between us, Daryl close by her side as I hugged her all the way there.

It was probably past four in the afternoon when we reached the house. Our caravan was slow on the dirt, narrow road that led to the house Daryl and I had named Cherokee House. On the bike, I clung to his back, just as I'd wished to do on the road before we got trapped by the hoard, before we lost Sophia… I hugged him tighter and feeling it, Daryl let one of his hands go from the handlebar and reached back to squeeze my knee.

Everyone was silent, even Shane, no words exchanged. There seemed to be nothing more to be said. We checked the house before everyone got in, in was still clear of people or walkers, and just as silently people started looking around, putting things away, dusting couches and tables with rags, and going upstairs carrying bags to choose from the many bedrooms there were there. Daryl found a well on the land close to the house and water was brought in. We still had food from the road that we'd been able to save eating from what the farm provided us, so we'd be fine for now.

It was getting dark and there were candles lit on the coffee table on the living room, and without planning everybody gathered on the couches around it, eating from what Carol and Lori had been able to make up for us. Poor Carol, was trying to keep her mind busy…

After long minutes of silence, someone asked what now.

The question of the year.

"Now we rest," I told them and I know I sounded grave and tired. "For tonight, maybe for all day tomorrow. We sure need it."

There were nods in solemn agreement

"We'll need one guard at each door," Shane said in a grave, raspy voice. He'd yelled too much today. "I'll take the back door for the first two hours. Volunteers for the front door?"

Theo did, and as I climbed up the stairs Shane was choosing who'd be the next one to take over after them. Thankfully neither Daryl or I were put in the schedule.

I had chosen the bedroom furthest in the upstairs corridor, perhaps the smaller in the house but with a double bed that was dusty but not too bad. After cleaning myself up the best I could with a bucket of water that had been taken to the bathroom, I found it empty. With just a loose t-shirt, I looted the old wooden wardrobe and found one clean white sheet and pillowcases, which I used to replace the dusty ones that were in the bed. I couldn't even believe I'd be sleeping in a real bed tonight. And with Daryl.

He came in then, also looking cleaner. He saw me sitting in bed then, and I probably looked the image of defeat, looking down to the floor, shoulders down. I felt small. He slowly came over and sat by my side, lowering his elbows to his knees and hanging his head. We were silent for a long moment.

'I really thought she'd be alive…" Daryl cut the silence with a whisper towards the floor.

"I had my doubts, I confess… But I hoped… I really did hope."

"D'you think they knew?"

"No… Ain't nobody this… Cruel to let us keep looking knowing she was there… I don't think they knew."

"It was their barn…"

"Otis…" I said simply and he took a second but answered.

"Yeah, pro'ly."

"At least now we know…"

He nodded and said nothing. I knew he was in pain because he'd dedicated so much to finding her… He'd tried to keep to positive, he'd been so hopeful and now his heart had broken.

"You okay?" he asked me.

I felt my throat tightening. He was hurting but still talking care of me. My beautiful Daryl… I sighed shakily and let my head fall to his shoulder. "Not really… But I'll be fine. I don't think we did anything wrong. We were wrong thinking she was alive, but we didn't do anything wrong. We did all we could. If she'd been out there, you'd have found her."

Daryl looked sideways at me, still all but curved on himself. "You really think so?"

"I know so."

He sat up then, turning to face me in bed and rested a hand in my cheek. I closed my eyes, breathing out, trying to allow myself to relax and believe my own words with my heart. He kissed me gently on the lips, never going further than that, maybe afraid I wouldn't want him tonight. But I did… I wanted him so we'd both be able to feel something good in such a terrible day. So I deepened the kiss, my arms circling his shoulders to bring him closer, and he seemed to understand and kissed me back the way I wanted him to. The kiss I was getting to know, slow, deliberate, firm. The sexiest kiss I'd ever had.

We laid across the bed and he rested on top of me, and right then we didn't even try to control our desire anymore. It was the hot, breathless moaning kisses, we needed each other, needed to be touching, to feel something good, to forget everything else.

Daryl took my t-shit off me and found me bare under it. I hadn't even bothered on putting on bra and panties after I washed, I knew we'd need each other tonight. By his groan I got that he approved. He moved so quick I nearly missed it; he slid to the floor, on his knees by the bed, grabbed me by my thighs and pulled my body to the edge of the bed, spread my legs and covered me with his mouth.

I couldn't believe I was so lucky to find that, other than all of the qualities Daryl had, he also loved eating pussy. And damn, did he do it well. I was like he was feasting, not just eating. Savoring. My feet up in the air, a hand gripping the sheets and the other on his hair, I permitted myself to just feel, let all the pain and guilt disappear. It felt so amazing that I wanted Daryl to feel the same, I want to give him what he was giving me.

He had one hand pumping two fingers inside of me and the other arm extended to hold one breast on his hand. I looked down at him to see those beautiful blue eyes him staring up at me, eyelids half closed.

I hissed, "Fuck Daryl, you're so good!"

His eyes smiled up at me, only his eyes, because his mouth kept working his miracle. Soon after he got on his feet making me look confused at him. Looking at me he put his two fingers in his mouth and sucked them before saying "Turn around. On your fours."

A chill ran all over my body and here was no way in the world I was not gonna turn around a get on my fours for him. So I did, crawling to the center of the bed, breathless, fully expecting and hoping that he was gonna enter me not and fuck me 'till tomorrow, but he didn't. He kept on what he was going, now from behind. My head fell to the mattress and I swear it was like I could pass out at any moment now. I'm not sure even sure when my orgasm started or for how long it went, all I know is I was lost in it, seeing stars under my eyelids, my legs going weak. I buried my head in a pillow and screamed into it, unable to hold it anymore, my whole body trembling.

When I came to myself he had stopped and was running his hands over my ass and back, saying something I didn't even assimilate. I fell on my side, breathing hard and looked at him with glassy eyes.

"You'll end up killing me one of these days," I told him, making his smile that little sideways smile of his as he got up from the bed to stand by it. Trembling, I sat up and crawled to the edge of the bed. He'd tossed his shirt away and was working of his jeans buttons but I batted his hands away to do it myself. "Will you let me this time?"

He looked down at me, "You wanna?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Fuck yeah," I said when I lowered his jeans and his boxers at the same time, setting his cock free right in front of me. "Sit down."

He did and took his jeans off from around his ankles and I knelt in front of him. Before I could do what I wanted, though, he caught my face in his hand and pulled me up for a kiss. I could taste myself on him as we kissed for a long moment, my hands on his cock working up and down. When I finally took him in my mouth, Daryl rested his weight on his hands behind him and let his head fall back, just feeling. It's what I wanted, to have him feel, just feel and not think, not suffer. He was rock hard in my mouth, I could trace his veins with my tongue and I did all I wanted, I took him deep in my throat, I sucked on his head, I traced every inch of him with my lips and tongue, I massaged and kissed his balls, all the while making Daryl breath harder and harder, and then start moaning losing control over his voice. I sped up, taking him in and out and his hips started thrusting forward on their own.

"Sam… oh, fuck, Sam…" he cried and I throbbed just to hear it. He grabbed my hair and his other hand was buried in the sheet. "Gonna cum… Fuck, oh I'm cuming Sam!"

And oh, he did. I took him halfway and sucked him hard and felt him spurt into my mouth. I swallowed one after the other, taking him all in, feeling him pulse and throb in my mouth. I cleaned all of him as he finished, every trace of it. He fell back on the bed, his hands rising to his head as I climbed in by his side, and we both laid there, side by side. It'd been so hot do blow Daryl until he came that I was ready to keep going all night, but give the man a break.

I woke up at some point during the night with him moving me to lay on the pillows, for we'd been across the bed naked and it was getting chilly. He covered us and spooned me tight, his face buried on my neck, and we slept again.