To every single human being who reviewed the last two chapters. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and thoughfulness. It means the world to me that you also chose to share your truths on such a public forum. I am humbled. I'm sending you all hugs. I have replied to some of you via PM so please log in and check them.
I promise this chapter would be lighthearted and I hope you enjoy it... I love you all my new fanfic familia.
p.s. quick shoutout to quirkycheetos, i'm obsessed with your username.
Chapter 55 – I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
Friday, March 13th, 2020
APOV
It was Kate's birthday yesterday but she was holed up in meetings all day for us to meet for lunch so here we are on Friday the 13th. I told Christian last night that us girls we're going to meet at the metropolitan grill for lunch. He didn't really say much beyond saying that he'd let security know and for me to be careful which is always a given.
Before I left he called to tell me that everything would be taken care of and to enjoy myself. We met Kate at the restaurant and the staff was tripping over themselves to make sure we were felt accommodated. It felt... VERY weird. We were seated in a nice, secluded corner booth with some really fancy ass champagne according to Jose and Kate. I couldn't even tell you the name if my life depended on it but they seemed to really like it.
I really love my man right now. I'd definitely go up to his office to show him some appreciation but he's stuck in meetings and calls all day.
Boo.
"Sooo... tell your girls, what'd you get last night?" Jose asks, dying for the scoop.
FLASHBACK
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2020
"So I talked to Eamon and got his blessing." Elliot lets out a sigh of relief.
"Did he give you a hard time?" I laugh.
"I thought he would but our conversation was really heartfelt, I'd say. He talked about his own regrets in his marriage and gave me advice and asked me to keep his baby girl happy. To be honest, I thought he'd tell me he already bought my burial plot where he was gonna dump my ass if I broke Kate's heart."
Oh crap. Eamon bringing out the feels.
"Yeah, Kate's his mini-me... I'm so happy for you Elliot." I give him a hug.
"So, when you gonna ask her?" Jose pipes up.
"Next Friday."
"Uh, no you're not. Next week is Friday the 13th." I warn him.
"So?" Elliot asks thoroughly confused.
"Dios Mio... this BOY..." Jose rolls his eyes and gulps down his wine.
"Listen to me, even if you don't believe in that shit, you never do any life altering shit on Friday the 13th. Trust me, Kavanagh will say no just to fuck with you and make you cry like a baby."
"No she won't."
"I know her on a molecular level, Grey." I give him the Steele glare.
"Fuck... okay fine, Saturday morning? Is that acceptable to you?"
"Yes."
"I should probably pass this information on to Dorothy... just to make sure he doesn't fuck up."
"Oh... I guarantee he will fuck up regardless but it's okay... at least it'll make for an entertaining story." I giggle.
"I can't wait. A Grey wedding... god knows when this hag is getting married... oh by the way, I know we just met recently but I'm inviting myself to your wedding. Thanks." Jose randomly interjects like the shameless Queen he is.
FLASHBACK ENDS.
"Birthday cake, LOTS OF BIRTHDAY CAKE." Kate cackles and we all join in.
"Get dat cake boo." Jose sasses.
We feast on the food and it's a riot. We tried to keep our voices down but we couldn't stop giggling.
Kate showed us the diamond and emerald tennis bracelet Elliot got her. My girl has got green eyes and has a love for emeralds...you're welcome Elliot Samuel Grey. I literally gave him the most comprehensive cheat sheet to winning over Katherine Victoria Kavanagh. You'd think that being such a playboy he'd know a thing or two but I guess when you fall in love with the one, you second guess your usual MO and need just a little bit of help to not fuck up. Thankfully he's got the best source in town.
"How much you think we can sell it for?" Jose asks.
"Fuck you Queen... you'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands." Kate hisses.
"I can handle that." Jose laughs. "So tell me hags, what's new? What are your Friday night plans beside getting laid?"
"I'm not getting laid yet." Val huffs and takes a big sip of wine.
"Tell us about your new boy toy." I wiggle my eyebrows.
"He's cute. Got a personality... I gotta wait to see if he's got the goods and knows how to use them. I'm really desperate here." Val whines.
"Then just jump him. It's not like he'll say no... and if he does then you'll know he's got something to hide." Kate says matter of factly.
"I don't think I can handle a rejection right now."
"Why wait Val, you want him to make the first move after two weeks and then find out he has a mirco penis? Just get the sex out of the way. If he's good, keep him around for a good fuck and see it progresses into something more and if he's bad... toss him out." Kate shrugs.
This is the old Kate talking. I have missed this Kate... not that I don't like the new lovey-dovey Kate but sometimes I really miss our days in Portland.
Val takes a deep and measured breath. "Yeah, I guess. God, now I won't be able to get the thought of what his penis possibly looks like out of my mind till this evening."
I give Val a hug. "I wish you some good dick tonight, Val." I say as earnestly as I can and we all giggle laugh.
"Okay okay... so Christian's taking me out to this place call Canlis and guys, I checked it out... it looks a little fancy... " I shrug.
"I don't see what the problem is?" Jose asks.
"Whenever I go into a classy joint I have the urge to be trashy." I say trying to suppress my laughter.
"Listen to me you two dollar hoe... you better class it up because I have a lot riding on this relationship." Jose warns.
"You'll be fine, Steele. Focus on having a good time with moneybags... everything else is just noise. People will look, yes, but you know what... fuck 'em. Have fun. You deserve this to be treated like a motherfucking Queen." Kate smiles at me.
"Just as long as you remember who the real Queen in your life is." Jose quickly adds and I roll my eyes.
After stuffing our faces and laughing till we got stomach cramps we make to leave the restaurant and are met with the press waiting out side. Kate is the first to leave with her CPO. Once she exits we make our way out. I'll never ever get used to this. Flashes go off and they yell my name. I just keep my head down and give into the backseat of the SUV followed by Val and Jose.
Sawyer starts to drive out.
"Damn, I shouldn't have eaten all that shit. Took me a while to suck in the gut and double chin for the cameras. I really hope they got my good side."
I hear poor Sawyer snort in the front seat as Val and I lose it while Prescott remains stoic as always.
"I heard that Luke. Honestly the disrespect in this car is appalling." Jose waves his hand dismissively.
He really is made for this life.
...
I had texted Caroline this morning and told her about my date with Christian this evening. I told her that I had slowly been getting myself comfortable with appearing in public but also exploring slightly daring dresses. The press has been relentless. While I've successfully kept myself hidden, the coverage has been a solid 50/50. Yes, everyone has loved the wedding photos and sure, I've been accused of cultural appropriation but I can't focus on that. Mostly my looks have been scrutinized. Eyes are too big, skin is too pale. Too short. Basic white bitch shit.
I know I shouldn't care about what they think but I guess Holden had a point. Anything negative about me could reflect badly on Christian and I don't want that. Not going to lie, I hate the double standard. Had it been the other way around, he'd be praised for trapping my ass and worshipped.
So here I am standing in a black, full sleeve bodycon dress that hits my knees. The catch, it's backless. HA! If you'd told me back in October that this is where I'd be and this is what I'd be wearing I'd have peed my pants laughing. The dress on Valentine's day was way more daring for me than this number but I knew we were going to be dining in private. This evening we're going to be among Seattle's elite and well... I just have to remind myself not to laugh too loud where I snort. Jose will probably hear it echoing through the airwaves and show up within a minute to drag me by my hair and slap me till I classed it the fuck up.
I usually tend to talk Sawyer's ear off whenever I'm travelling without Christian. Prescott barely participates but we have our good days. This evening, I opted to remain quiet...I listen to some music on my airpods as we drive through Seattle, making our way to Canlis, hoping to somehow calm my nerves. I haven't heard much from Christian all day. He's been radio silent for the most part... I knew things would get hectic but I'm not about to 'demand' time from him. I just don't want to deal with work-related bad moods, he can go from zero to tyrant in 2 seconds flat. I don't know if I can handle that.
Because I'm crazy, baby
I need you to come here and save me
I'm your little scarlet starlet
Singing in the garden
Kiss me on my open mouth
I've not explored this part of Seattle. Actually, I really haven't explored much beyond Pike Place and Capital Hill. Most of my weekends were spent flying back to SF and then driving down to Big Sur to check on the custom construction we got done at the resort in preparation for the wedding and then when I came back... I back a hermit with Mr. Billionaire. If I were to really think about it. I jumped from one billionaire bubble into the next that weekend.
This seems like a very... well, having a upscale restaurant tucked away in a very residential neighborhood seems rather odd to me but I guess once you hit it big and show up on everyone's radar... you could be in the boonies and people would still come for the grub... I mean... gourmet food.
Sawyer opens my door and gives me a helping hand to step out.
"Go knock 'em dead Steele." He smirks.
"Thanks bud." I give him a smile. He sure knows when I need a pep talk sometimes. I take a few steps with Prescott by my side and head in. Damn, it's definitely fancy pants in here. I swallow trying to calm my nerves again, I look around and take in my surroundings when out of my periphery I notice Christian getting up from the bar and walking towards me with that signature bad boy smirk.
Hot damn... why you gotta kill me like that, Grey?
I give him a small smile, trying to keep myself from grinning like a lovesick fool. Time slows down sometimes when I look at him. Channel those nerves of Steele, Ana.
The host interrupts my reverie before Christian reaches me, asking the name the reservation is under and if he can take my coat.
"Reservations under Grey and I'll take care of that." Christian shuts him down before the host takes another step towards me. Oh no, possessive Christian has made an appearance.
I thank the host and give him a small smile as he retreats while Christian stars to help me out of my coat. I hear his breath hitch and feel his eyes run down the back of my body. He's barely touching me but his scent and presence are driving me mad. I feel the desire start to bloom deep within me. He hands the coat to the host and kisses my temple and whispers in my ear, lightly caressing the exposed skin above the small of my back.
"You sure know how to bring a man to his knees baby."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath and look up. His eyes are intense as always. Dark and wanting. "Then why are you still standing?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
His lips curl up slightly in amusement and he give me a small kiss and whispers, hovering over my lips. "I'm going to fuck that smart mouth tonight."
"Not before I fuck yours." I whisper back with a smile. I could melt into a puddle right now. I'm such a lightweight. He shakes his head and chuckles.
WHO AM I? WHO THE FUCK AM I? I'm the bad ass who shut Christian Grey's sexpertise mouth. Yes sir... more like Yes Ma'am to you, boy wonder.
We walk hand in hand as we follow the server to our table. I try to keep my eyes on the horizon and not look anyone in the eye but I can feel theirs on us. My open hair is doing a decent job of hiding my back. According to Jose this was my classy hoe look. It means so much that my Queen is proud of me.
CPOV
I get a text from Prescott that they're five minutes out. I take one last sip of my drink and reply to an email. I watch the SUV pull up and Sawyer help Ana out of the car. She walks in with a nervous energy. Sometimes it's a wonder to see the combination of micro expressions she goes through within a single minute of being in a new space or situation. It's a rarity but a sight to behold nonetheless. I slowly walk towards her while she looks around, she casually looks in my direction with her beautiful blue eyes and gives me a sweet smile... and just like that she's in her element.
There's my girl.
We take our seats and the server hands us our menus.
"Miss Steele, you were playing with fire back there." I smirk.
She looks up from her menu and arches an eyebrow. "And I'm made of gasoline so let's light this bitch up, Grey."
It takes everything in me to suppress a laugh. "What am I going to do with you?"
"Let that imagination run wild for a minute or two and I'm positive you'll come up with something." She sasses.
I shake my head smiling. She's really out to kill me.
"What? No witty come back, Grey? Have you met your match? Oh, wait... excuse me... you've been outmatched. Had to happen sooner or later." She sasses again and I'm dangerously close to dragging her to the car to fuck her brains out.
"Yes Miss Steele, I concede." My pants are too fucking tight to think anymore and that ensemble is not doing me any favors.
"You know, this feels... a little weird to me." She says.
"What baby?"
"Usually when we've sit down to have dinner, whether at home or in the one time we've been out... we always sit adjacently but sitting in front of you like this... it feels like you're so far away. I guess I got used to the proximity." She shrugs slightly with a shy smile.
Home. I don't think I'll ever tire of here saying that.
"We've sat across from each other before, baby."
"We have but in very casual situations. Like with your family or with friends... even at Eloise's too but again it was a casual setting. There were no nerves."
"You're nervous?" Don't be baby, screw these fuckers, who cares what they think.
"A little. I can feel people staring which they are and well, I guess I've never really had any experience in this world... fine dining and all." She giggles.
"Not even with your cousins?"
"Nope. I mean... with Kiran and VIsh..." she catches herself and her demeanor changes and she looks out to the window and takes a deep breath. She's remembered something. Fuck... she shakes her head. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to talk about them." She says quietly.
"It's okay Ana, I understand that they've been a huge part of your life. "
I start to see the difference in what our manipulations did to us in this moment. My manipulation was done in isolation to breed more isolation. Hers was done in broad daylight, while out with family. Her most cherished memories are tainted. A seemingly casual conversation can bring forth painful reminders for her. I didn't live a life but being with her I find it easy to jump in head first and experience all this while she, when looking back on something innocent can be affected by questioning the intention behind everything.
"I know and thank you... I guess it'll just take me some time to filter stuff as I move on you know..." she says with a small smile. "But to answer your question, no not really. I went out with the Kapadia siblings a few times but I didn't feel the nerves and I also didn't care... that was me just going out with family. Otherwise whenever all us cousins went out we kept it pretty casual. They're all in the business or either in college and we all just look to unwind so we try to keep it as normal as we can. Honestly, going through the mcdonald's drive-thru is like a real ritual for us or we order in and sit around and talk." She laughs and starts to get back to her usual self.
"Does south Asian cuisine have a fine dining aspect to it?"
"I don't think so... I mean even in the 'formal dinners' I've been to, it's all family style essentially. We could all be dressed to the nine's but we're still laughing out loud and having a good time. There's no such thing as a calm and collected dinner over a three to five course meal. I know there's a few restaurants in New York that are trying to hop on that train with south Asian cuisine but I don't buy it... then again to each their own..."
The server comes over with our drinks and takes our order. I decided to not order ahead for once. I've been working with Flynn on trying to not control every single thing when it comes to Ana. Baby steps, he said.
"Do you come here often for business dinners?" She asks.
The memory of a few dinners with Elena come to mind and I shake the thought. I've brought Mia here once along with the whole family and then Ros and Gwen on one occasion with a client here and there. I tell her yes with the exception of my dinners with Elena.
Our food arrives and we begin to eat. Our conversation lulls a little. She looks out the window and I can tell something's on her mind.
"Q&A?" I ask bringing her out of her reverie.
She looks back at me and smiles. "Yeah, sure. We haven't done it in a while."
"Why do you always insist I give Taylor the night off when we go out?" I try to hide my annoyance.
"Because Christian, he just came back from a whole week in New York with you and you I'm honestly just thinking about my girl, Gail... she needs some love too." She giggles.
I roll my eyes.
"I pay them very well Ana..."
"I know but again, money isn't everything. Experiences are. They're in a relationship and if they have any chance in hell of getting married then Taylor has gotta put his back into and have a few date nights with his girl." She laughs.
"Fine... "I grumble. "Tell me, did you ever have an idea for first date for yourself?"
"I used to." She says wistfully. "Most of my ideas were from before everything happened, when I was a teenager, I guess. I always thought, I'd date after college because maybe I would've found myself by then or liked how I looked... I just had to get out of Montesano and got to an east Coast Ivy and then move to New York, probably work for AHAK and then meet someone when I was a little more financially secure. No one really looks at what you're doing in New York and there's so much to do that you could meet for dinner at a hole in the wall restaurant and then walk around for hours, I wanted experiences more than dates I guess... that's what I had thought for myself initially way back when..." she laughs but I can sense her sadness. "but my actual, official first date with my boyfriend was one for the books." She giggles.
"Was it really?" I smirk.
"Yeah... he pulled out all the stops." she giggles again. She's right, we are too far from each other. I can't kiss her as easily or touch her to my hearts content but I get to see her in her entirety right now. How her hands dance around when she talks. Sometimes she leans forward resting her face in her palm with a propped elbow, sometimes her arms are folded on the table. She cocks her head from side to side every now and then. She goes from playful to serious and back to playful again. She's effortlessly engaging and I thank my lucky stars no one else except for myself gets to experience who she is in a romantic setting. This dynamic will always be ours.
"What about you Mr. Grey, did you ever wonder about first date stuff? I know it's not typical for guys to think about it but I suppose everyone has some idea of what they want..."
I shake my head. "Didn't think it was for me."
"I know, but before everything, did you ever wonder maybe?"
"Not really, I wasn't much for idle chit chat. I thought it was trivial and a waste of time and of course it was reinforced over years but I saw the very first glimpses of how it could be when we met. It came very naturally to think about that with you. In fact I remember that the first night of the wedding, it was the first time I spoke to a woman I was interested in and revealed things about myself that I had never done before."
"Well, you're definitely a natural at it, Mr. Grey." She smiles sweetly at me. "I too wondered a little bit of the same thing when we talked. I'd only ever seen you in a professional setting and getting to hear you speak so casually and see you relaxed, it was really nice... but then again talking about Elliot getting his ass kicked can put anyone is a good mood."
We both laugh. "Yeah, he's a funny guy. Don't tell him though."
"My lips are sealed." She giggles.
"I guess he's probably proposed to her by now..."
"Actually, no. Not tonight. Tomorrow morning is the proposal."
"When did this happen?"
"It's Friday the 13th. Lots of bad juju. We don't mess." She shakes her head.
"Are you serious?" She can't be serious.
"Hey, I don't make the rules. I just follow them. Ask the pop culture gods for justification. I told him that Kate, although not superstitious would say no just to see him cry."
I shake my head trying not to smile. "That's fucked up."
"I would do the same." She shrugs and falls into a fit of giggles.
"That's mean, Miss Steele."
She pouts. "Sowwie."
"I've always wondered, did you move to Seattle because Kate was moving here?"
She looks out the window for a moment and I see her a slight shadow of sadness wash over her.
She looks back at me. "Yes and no... I think I had definitely anchored on to Kate but Seattle also seemed safe because AHAK had no real investments here nor an office. Had everything not happened before I left, I probably would've moved to the East Coast for publishing if I got the job or ended up working for the family ultimately I suppose but then... I would've missed being so far away from Mama and Nani, so maybe I would've moved back to SF. I guess I'll never know."
I nod. "That makes sense. Why didn't AHAK ever invest in Seattle?"
"Honestly? Because of the weather and it's not exactly a tourist destination." She laughs. "Also, AHAK isn't as aggressive or diverse as GEH and given their focus on real estate and hospitality, well... it made sense invest in properties that were in exciting and profitable cities."
I nod. "I'm glad you moved to Seattle."
"I'm glad too." She smiles. "If the GEH headquarters weren't in Seattle, where would it ideally be?"
"New York, I think. Capital of the world and all that."
"Did you have a trajectory in mind when you started at GEH?"
"Not really. I just needed a job. My main focus was to pay off my loans but then the wedding came in the way and slowed everything down. I thought I would give it two solid years, create a bit of a safety net and then try to go back into publishing. Having GEH on my resume would've helped... I mean, it's not like I had any real prospects of growing beyond being Mr. Travis's assistant. I'm can't be a lawyer, maybe I could've taken extra courses to become a paralegal and aid in research... or maybe get transferred to real estate if I was lucky but to be honest, I hadn't really thought far beyond a year or two and that too in an abstract way... I think I was too scared to plan far ahead." She shrugs.
Ideally, I'd love for to run GEH with me but an admission like that would probably freak her out right now.
"What are your thoughts about philanthropy?
"In what aspect?" She takes a sip of her water.
"Would you like to work in philanthropy?"
"I don't have any experience in it."
"You have experience volunteering."
'Yeah but it's not the same thing. I mean volunteering is a personal and private endeavor for me. Philanthropy... well, it's a huge public responsibility, I guess."
I'm asking because GEH doesn't really have a dedicated department to philanthropy, I just have PR take care of it. I tell them where to donate and they co-ordinate with Andrea under my directive and get it done. If we started a philanthropy department, I want you to head it and be the face of it for GEH."
She looks at me completely stunned. Who's speechless now Miss Steele?
"Um... I... don't have any experience in that Christian. Surely you can find someone far more qualified."
"You're qualified. You can do it."
She looks down and her lips press into a hard line.
"Christian, I appreciate the sentiment but I don't have experience in this."
"Your mother runs philanthropy at AHAK and my mother runs a successful charity herself, they could both guide you if anything and I'm always around too."
"The optics on it won't look good. Girlfriend gets new gig at boyfriends company etc."
"I don't care about that. It's my company, I can't do whatever I want."
She looks me straight in the eye and I can tell she's annoyed now. "Well, I do. Putting my as the face of something like that..." She looks away and takes a deep breath. "I think we should table this discussion for when we are in private."
"Ana, you're going to be my wife one day. I don't want you to be an assistant in my company."
"Are you ashamed that I'm just an assistant, because I happen to take a lot of pride in whatever job I've had... no matter how menial it may have been." At this point it looks like she could stare a fiery hole into me.
"No, that's not it. I mean that, you deserve better and you have the potential to be more than just an assistant Ana. You have good instincts and I think the best use of your talents are where you can help people and actually make a difference."
She looks down and I can tell she doesn't want to talk about this anymore.
"Look, again, I appreciate the sentiment... maybe when we're married we can explore this then. For now, I'm fine... it's already been too many life changes too fast... I just want to pace myself." She plays with her food and doesn't look up.
'Okay, we can talk about this later."
"Thank you." She says in a small voice.
There really is something on her mind. I wish she would tell me, I can't exactly ask her right now and it's bothering me. I decide to change track.
"So tell me, how was your lunch today?"
Her face lights up and it's a complete 180 in her energy. "It was a riot, Jose was in his element as usual while we're just his sidekicks. Thank you for arranging that, you didn't have to. They really took care of us and I liked their food."
"I like the Met Grill, they do a decent steak."
"I had the lobster mac and cheese and proceeded to steal food from everyone else in the process. Jose was not please but I didn't give a fuck." She laughs.
"I'm glad you had fun, baby."
"Want to hear something funny? It randomly came to me at lunch today..."
"Sure."
"The week before thanksgiving you were in New York for a few days..."
I think for a minute. "Yeah I was."
She nods. "Yeah so, the Friday before thanksgiving, Jose, Val, Gwen and I had lunch in Ros's office. We ordered sushi and we're talking smack about everything and you called. Ros set you to speakerphone and you were in such a bad mood." She giggles uncontrollably. "...You were just not happy at all, Ros was like... what do you want Grey, I'm eating" in her best Ros impression. "and you didn't give a fuck and went on this tirade and you ended with and I quote 'Tell Holden to stop trying to convince me to meet with the fucking ballet company. Does it look like I want to wear a pink fucking tutu and get my picture taken or be surrounded by that shit... just get me out of this.'... I swear to god Christian when I heard you say that I had to bring both of my hands to my mouth to physically restrain myself from losing my shit and when Ros hung up I really lost it and laughed so hard that that I couldn't breathe and started crying... I was like 'awww, someone's not getting their way...' and Ros lost her shit too. She was like only you'd say shit like that about Grey." She's beside herself laughing at this point.
"I'm glad I could provide you with lunch time entertainment, Miss Steele." I chuckle.
"Yes, thank you. I honestly didn't realize you could be funny up until that day... of course you did such a great job just a few days later when you made me laugh in the elevator." She smiles.
"I guess you bring it out of me, Miss Steele."
"I guess, I am quite the miracle worker." She sasses.
...
"Baby... if you're not going to let me fuck you then you need to stop." I grab her hips trying to slow her torture on me as we make out on the drive back to Escala.
"I thought you were the Master of Control, Mr. Grey." She cocks her head to one side and kisses me deeply again and fuck, it's really hard not to get lost in her. "Besides, I'm not having car sex with you while we have security in the front."
"It's not like they'll hear or see anything..." we have the privacy divider up for a reason.
'I want to have fun with my man tonight and I don't want be quiet about it." she bites my lip and it sends me into a frenzy.
I grab her hair and twist in my wrist holding her in place. "Listen to me Miss Steele, I've missed out on a few days without my girl and I'm not keen on coming in my pants when I can come inside of you. Now stop torturing me or I will punish you." I growl.
"You wouldn't dare Grey." She looks me in the eye.
"I would, Miss Steele. You know I would."
"I dare you not to come, Mr. Grey... unless you're unable to control yourself." She arches an eyebrow.
I'll lose this challenge. I'm so fucking close already.
"Don't goad me, Miss Steele."
I one swift move she gets up off of me and sits back in her seat.
"I knew you couldn't." She smiles smugly at me.
Don't give in to her game.
I need the release.
FUCK.
She starts to check her phone and hums a little, completely ignoring me. Here I am with, hard as granite, ready to go. She won't let me fuck her and we're still 15 minutes away from Escala. I am going to fuck that smart mouth tonight, no matter what.
I close my eyes and calm my breathing as I adjust myself and she continues to hum to herself while looking out of the window now.
Five minutes pass and it's not working. I want her. I really want her.
This is the switch in her personality.
"Anastasia."
She looks back at me. "Yes?"
"Yes what?"
"Yes Christian." She raises an eyebrow.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me." She smiles sweetly.
"Anastasia, come over here."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
"Doesn't seem like a good enough reason to if you ask me." She giggles.
Oh she's really playing with fire now.
"Sit on my lap. Now." I raise my voice slightly.
She looks down and cocks her head to the side slightly and then looks up and then rolls her eyes before climbing on top of me. I hold her hands behind her with one hand and grab her neck in the front with the other.
"You're being disrespectful Anastasia." I look her in the eye.
"You're overreacting... Sir." She says with a smirk.
"Do you know what I'm going do to you when we get home, Anastasia."
"Fuck my smart mouth?" She bats her baby blues at me.
"Exactly..."
"But as I enlightened you before, Sir... not before I fuck yours." She stares directly into my eyes and holy fuck I'm so in love with this woman. She makes every aspect of playing fun. The submission, the defiance the switch...
I pull her in for a kiss and hold her in place as our tongues fight each other for dominance. She tries to move herself but I stop her. I'm too close to being set off.
I try to have my way with her in the elevator but she playfully fights me off and resists me desperately trying not to giggle and then runs out as soon as we get to the penthouse but I catch her before she gets to the threshold of the room. I pull her in with me and push her to the wall, kissing her roughly but she breaks away.
"Get on your knees." She looks up to me.
"Excuse me?"
This is so hot.
"Get. On. Your. Knees. Sir." She says with a sly smile.
I follow her directive and slowly bend down to my knees. She lifts up dress slowly, revealing her lace panties. I can smell arousal and she's fucking soaked.
"Take them off." She orders me and I comply. We don't take our eyes off each other.
"Now... Sir... you're going to fuck me with that expert tongue of yours and make me come."
I smirk, with pleasure baby, with all the pleasure I can give you.
...
Saturday, March 14th, 2020
I hear the phone ringing in some obscure corner of the room. It's Ana's phone I finally register... I open my eyes slightly and she stirs. I'm lying on top of her with my face in her breasts. She tries to move me.
"Christian... I can't breathe... I need to pick up the phone. It's Ros..."
"No... she's not your boss."
'Christian please..." she whines and I move slightly and she bolts up to go pull her phone out of her purse.
"Hey Ros, sorry I missed your call...no... don't apologize, I was just being lazy... what's up mama... oh no... okay I'll be there in 45 minutes to an hour if not earlier. I promise. Need me to bring anything?... okay cool... see you in a bit."
What the fuck?
She runs off into the bathroom and I hear the shower turn on. Where does she think she's going? I get up and pull my phone out of my jacket and check the time. It's fucking 8:30am... what the fuck Ros? I flop back on the bed. I look around the room and our clothes are everywhere. Last night was... well it gave a whole new meaning to makeup sex. I made her scream repeatedly while she took charge and fucked me with her mouth making me come so hard that I saw stars... it took me a while to recover as she giggled and kissed me. I hate fighting with her but the makeup sex is always... yeah, we need a time limit on our fights.
I'm still in bed struggling to get up when she walks out in a jeans and a faded white tee and starts to pick up all the clothes and tidying up.
"Baby, just leave it... and where the hell are you going?" I grumble.
"Ros called, her mom is displaying flu like symptoms... Ros has a cough and Gwen well, she's in pain from the surgery and their nurse broke her foot this morning and it'll take time for the replacement to show up after her references check out given the weekend. So I'm going over to help."
"You're leaving me?" I whine.
She laughs and walks over to me. "Yeah, you big baby. An actual baby need and her mamas needs some help... I'm taking my dress and other stuff. I'll get dressed at their place and then you can pick me up and we can head over to your Mama Grey's house for the family dinner to celebrate the newly engaged couple." She gives me a quick kiss but I grab her hand and pin her down to the bed and climb on top of her.
"Do you really have to go?" I ask kissing her neck.
She starts to giggle and squeal. "Yes I do... you have a lot of work to do any way so it's not like you'll miss me. Your wife will keep you occupied."
"My wife doesn't feed me. I'm thinking of divorcing her and marrying my girlfriend."
"Your wife gives you the money to buy the food to cook it. Learn how to cook, Grey. That's the moral of the story here." She laughs.
"The moral of the story should be that you let me fuck you and then you feed me."
"Tomorrow, I promise." She gives me a sweet kiss. "Now I gotta go and cuddle with a baby."
"What time should I pick you up?"
"Hmm, come by around 5pm? Spend some time with your niece and then we'll head out to your parents."
Spend time with my niece... I love how she creates a family for me with just her words. I look in her eyes and she looks back with confusion. "What happened Christian?"
"Nothing baby, I just love you. I'll be there at 5pm."
"I love you too. Okay, now let me go ya big baby." She giggles as she climbs up and soon runs out the door.
...
I get to Ros and Gwen's apartment at 5pm and look around. There's pin drop silence. I walk to Ros's study and see her typing away.
"Why the fuck are you working?"
"Well hello to you too, Boss." She says with a sore throat.
"Get off the computer and go relax."
"I'm tired of relaxing and the baby hates my guts... this is the only thing that will make me feel useful... can we please talk about adult shit... like I don't know... anything GEH related... my brain feels like a used diaper."
I laugh out loud and Ros flips the bird at me.
"Okay well, I do need your help I guess..."
"Shoot." She takes off her glasses and rubs her face.
"I talked to Ana briefly about creating and her heading the philanthropy department at GEH and she shut me down. She thinks that people won't take her seriously given our association and that she doesn't have experience."
"Did you ask her nicely?" Ros intones.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean. Of course I was nice about it."
"That attitude right there... that's what I mean."
"For fucks sake Ros."
"She's got good instincts though... she'd be a natural at it. I mean the Seattle-Mason Gala alone was brilliant."
"That's what I told her but she's fighting me on it."
"Okay, leave it to me. I'll talk to her."
"Thanks."
"Where is she?"
"She's with Emilia in the nursery."
"How's Gwen and your mom?"
"Mom's got a fever, she's resting. Gwen has been struggling. The lack of sleep is getting to her and she insists on being hands on so today Ana shut her down and now she's on her fifth hour of sleep. She's out like a light... which means we'll be able to have a coherent conversation today." She laughs.
I give her a nod and I head out and walk towards the nursery. As I get closer to the room, I hear Emilia crying and Ana talking to her.
I get to the threshold of the room and watch her change Emilia's diaper.
"I know... I know... baby girl. We're all so bad. You were in mama's belly... floating around... it was like florida in there... you got your food delivered to you and now it's all just diapers changes and cold air... I know baby."
She looks like such a mom, completely in control and not phased by a fussy baby. She closes the buttons of the baby's onesie and starts to wrap her.
"And now... we're gonna wrap you like a little burrito... do you like burritos? I'm more of a taco girl myself... "
I laugh and she looks up.
"Well, well... look who's here to see you baby? It's your Uncle Christian." She picks up the baby as I walk to her and give her a quick kiss.
Emilia has stopped crying and looks around with wide open eyes.
"Did you wash your hands?"
"No, I just got here."
"Okay follow me then, we gotta go make her milk."
I follow her like a little puppy and wash my hands in the kitchen sink.
"Okay now hold her, while I make the milk."
"What? Me?... no, I'm not good at that."
"Christian, you literally just have to stand in one place and hold her. Don't be nervous, they can smell fear." She deadpans.
I try to stifle a laugh but she helps me hold the baby and Emilia starts to fuss and I look to her with pleading eyes
"Ana, she's gonna scream at me."
"No she won't you big baby. Just talk to her. Tell her about the day."
"She doesn't care about my day."
"Just speak, Grey."
I swallow and look down. Two baby eyes are looking back at me scrutinizing me. Don't fuck this up, Grey.
"Well, I read a report about this manufacturing plant we're thinking of acquiring in South Korea..."
"Christian... tell her about how blue the sky was today and how the sun was shining and the birds were singing..." She grumbles.
"But I didn't go outside. I'm not going to lie to her."
"Uffff..." she then says something in Urdu.
"What did you say?"
"That was Urdu for 'I'm stuck with an unimaginative man.'
"I think we all know how imaginative I can be." I smirk.
"You're holding your niece there. Watch it... also sway a little... helps her remain calm."
I chuckle and she rolls her eyes and checks the temperature of the milk. I follow her back into the nursery and she sits me down in the rocking chair and tells me to hold the bottle and help Emilia drink the milk.
"I can't do this. I don't know how to do this." I tell her.
"Look, it's very simple. Hold the bottle like this." She shows me the angle..."and every now and then angle it down to give her a slight break incase she tries to gobble it all up and chokes on it. She tends to get a little excited about foodie time... anyway... just do that. I'm right here, I just have to tidy up a bit and chances are she'll fall right asleep while she's drinking."
I look up at her... I'm going to fuck this up. What if I accidently kill the baby? It's like she can read my mind and gives me a sweet kiss. "You're gonna be a pro at this. Just relax... I told you... they can smell fear." She wiggles her eyebrows and giggles.
I swallow and hold the bottle and Emilia starts to drink. She stares at me intently... she's so fucking tiny and light. She doesn't weigh anything at all. Ana was right, as she drinks the milk she starts to fall asleep and soon she stops sucking and the milk starts to drool out of her mouth... I call out to Ana and she rolls her eyes and shows me how to clean it up with the bib.
She places a piece of cloth on my shoulder and asks me to help give facilitate the burp.
"How the hell does one do that?"
"Hold her up, with her face resting on your shoulder and just gently rub her back like this..." She holds my hands up and shows me how to rub her back. I do it and soon Emilia lets out a gigantic burp that's has us both laughing.
"Yep, our girl here is a champ." Ana laughs but Emilia starts to fuss again so she picks up from me and starts to sing to her and lightly sway. "Sometimes they get scared of their own burps... even peeing because they're new sensations and sounds." She giggles.
"I knew they were complicated but now this complicated." I muse.
"Yeah but the complication never really goes away does it... it just manifests differently over time." She says wistfully and goes back to singing while rubbing her back while walking back and forth in the room.
When people pin me as a clown
You behave as though I'm wearing a crown
When I'm lost I feel so very found
When you anchor me back down
There are those who think that I'm strange
They would box me up, and tell me to change
But you hold me close and softly say
That you wouldn't have me any other way
When all the world is spinning round
Like a red balloon way up in the clouds
And my feet will not stay on the ground
You anchor me back down.
"Are her eyes closed?" Ana whispers to me. I look and nod. She gently maneuvers Emilia and holds her in her arms and we turn around to find Gwen and Ros looking from the door, smiling.
"You want me to put her down in her crib or want to have her in the living room?" Ana asks softly.
"Let's go to the living room."
We take our seats and Ana places Emilia in Gwen's lap.
"So we finalized the baby's name." Ros smiles.
"Emilia Anastasia Bailey." Gwen smiles.
I'm taken aback. I look at Ana and she's equally stunned and just stares at them both for a few moments.
"What's wrong, Ana?" Ros chuckles.
"I'm sorry... I just wasn't expecting that... but why Anastasia.. I mean.."
"We wanted to name her after some of the strong women we know. Emilia was Gwen's mom's name and well, Anastasia after you." Ros smiles and I look at Ana again. She gets teary eyed and smiles.
"I'm so honored." She says with a heavy voice.
"Well, there is one more thing." Gwen laughs... "We wanted to ask if you'd consider being Emilia's godparents."
Ana whips her face to me and I'm equally shocked by the ask.
"I understand that you've known Christian a really long time, but you've known me less than a year... how can you be so sure?" Ana asks with a wavering voice.
"Ana, you can known people for years who talk a shit ton and realize you don't know the first thing about them and you can meet people and realize the deepest truths about them within a week without them even saying a thing. It's comes down to our gut instinct about you and it's never steered me wrong." Ros says matter of factly.
"Are you really sure about this Ros?" I ask.
"Yeah... we wouldn't ask if we weren't."
I look back at Ana. "You okay with that?" She asks softly. I nod and give her a small smile. I would only ever agree to this if she were in my life... I'd be lost without her.
"Thank you for trusting us. We'd be honored." Ana says wiping tears and gets up to go hug them both and give Emilia a kiss on the forehead.
...
How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
We're on our way to Bellevue in the R8. I hold Ana's hand and plant light kisses on her knuckles. She's been awfully quiet and lost in thought.
"What's on your mind baby?"
"I wasn't expecting that." She says in a low voice.
I take a deep breath. "Yeah, same here."
"Being godparents means we have to be involved in her life. We can't just be showpieces. I mean we have to really spend time with her... and not just show up at her birthday and call it a night." She says seriously.
I chuckle. "Yes ma'am. We'll be involved."
"Okay good, I wanted to just make sure you knew the rules of the gig." She giggles. "I've never had a little human be named after me." She wipes tears from her eyes.
"I think it's the best decision they could've made."
"You're just biased."
"No, I'm right." I smirk and she laughs.
We drive in silence for a bit, listening to the music and the lyrics
I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
"Do you ever see a little of Grace and Carrick in yourself?" She asks out of the blue.
"What to you mean?"
"I mean... in terms of nurture versus nature. Do you ever feel some things about yourself that you don't know where they've come from?"
"Yeah. I did a lot when I was younger and for the past few years I've not really thought about it... not until we met I guess."
She nods and looks out the window again.
"Do you see Ray and Nita in yourself?"
"I do... but I don't know where the anger in me comes from. Ray never showed aggression, Nita never raised her voice at me. They both showed me a lot of love... all these feelings are post the accident. I guess it's just a by product of that... or maybe it was always deeply rooted in me and didn't come out till everything happened. This anger and bitterness in me, I don't know where it comes from."
"Talk to me baby... what's got your thinking about all this?"
"When I first heard this song it reminded me of a conversation Nani and I had when... she said it was always important to tell the future generations stories of their ancestors, especially incidents that highlighted different shades of their personalities to help future generations understand a little bit more about themselves. Sometimes, some habits, elements of personalities skip a generation... all this information is embedded in our DNA... yes nurturing plays an important role too in our upbringing but there are sometimes that just... innate, inexplicable at times but if you know the essence of your lineage you can draw from those stories and really look inside yourself to understand where you come from and who you are and who you want to be. I was telling Jose that yes, Ray, Nita and Nani raised me... but my biggest fear is that even though I desperately want to be a mom... what happens if a switch flips and I become like Carla?" she says in a heavy voice.
"You wouldn't baby. You wouldn't become like her. It's impossible."
"How can you be so sure?" She looks at me.
"Because you've been through absolute hell Ana, more than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime and this is who you are right now, who you're meant to be at the end of all of it. Most people would have given up but you refuse to... if everything you've been through in life hasn't broken you then nothing will. I saw you with Emilia, the ease and grace with which you handled her, you'd be an exceptional mother. It's like second nature to you. I didn't ever want to think about children or believe that I had the makings of being a parent but with you, I want that. I see glimpses of myself as a father in the future when I'm with you."
"Your faith in me really scares me sometimes." She cries.
"Why?"
"Because what if I let you down?"
"It's impossible, Ana. I don't think you've ever let anyone down in your life."
"I'm not so sure about that." She breathes.
"What makes you think that?"
"Just stuff..." She just shakes her head and looks out the window again, effectively ending the conversation.
APOV
Christian and I pull up into the driveway. Grandpa Theo and Grandma Margot have flown in for this celebration along with Eamon who actually took a day off to relax.
We walk in and hug Grace and Carrick and head into the formal living room where everyone else is waiting.
"Well if isn't the handsome Eamon Spencer Kavanagh." I call out to him and he gives me a big hearty smile as I go in for a bear hug.
"Well if isn't my beautiful honorary daughter." He laughs. Christian comes in for a handsake and they exchange pleasantries.
"I thought I was the handsome one." Theo calls out and Margot elbows him making me giggle.
"Sshhh, I'm getting all the pretty boys out of the way so I can focus on the Man of the Hour." I wink at him and he laughs.
"I had heard something about a certain billionaire trying to woo you." Eamon smirks.
"Yeah, don't worry, I made him work for it. Now he's completed under my spell." I laugh and Christian rolls his eyes.
"She definitely put me through my paces." He kisses my forehead and I excuse myself to give quick hugs to Mia and Ethan and then go and spend time with the Trevelyans.
"Do I need to smack that boy up the head to get you a ring?" Margot asks me.
"No you don't... I told him we need to let Elliot and Kate have their moment... I promise we'll get there, we just need to work some things out but I love your grandson so much, please believe that." I tell her earnestly.
"I know you do and he loves you too." She smiles and holds my hand.
"But if he fucks up again, you have my number." Theo interjects conspiratorially.
"Honey, ignore him. Nothing works if you know what I mean." Margot rolls her eyes and Theo leans in to kiss her cheek.
I pretty much expire laughing with Margot as we fall into each other. I catch my breath and my eyes find Christian across the room. He looks at me... it's a look I've not really seen before. He's smiling, it's not a smirk, it's not seductive... it's a genuine, wondrous smile. It makes my heart skip a beat and I smile back and wink at him.
Shortly after Elliot and Kate arrive and we all cheer loudly and attack them with hugs. Elliot is lapping it up. He definitely lives for the hype and praise. Such a character. I pretty much cry and refuse to let go of Kate.
"SHOW US THE RING." Mia and I almost scream and when she holds it out to me I have to take a step back in exaggeration. "Yep, can definitely see that from Mars. You did good, Grey." I wink at Elliot and we high five.
We stand sit around and talk for a bit, catching up. I see Kate look a little uneasy. I give her our discreet girl talk signal and we slip out and run to the guest bathroom and huddle in.
"Kavanagh, what's going on? You look like you're about to cry and that rarely ever happens." I ask her.
Her lips tremble and she starts to sob uncontrollably.
"Kate, you're scaring me." I feel my own tears start to fall.
"I messed up Ana and I'm so scared. I can't believe I was so stupid."
"Kate... just tell me what happened. We can figure it out. I'm with you 100% no matter what. Steele and Kavanagh forever... just hit me with it."
"Remember when I was in London back in early January..."
Authors Note: Sound off in the reviews. also... god dammit KATE WHAT DID YOU DO?
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/
Music:
Off To The Races - Lana Del Rey
Anchor - Mindy Gledhill
In The Blood - John Mayer.