Chapter 31: Confrontations
Meredith stood on her balcony. It was over, all over. Derek was angry with her for good reason. He had cut her out of his life. She knew why. It was because she told Adrien it was not what it looked like. In fact, if Adrien had stuck around, it would have been much worse. He would have heard her say it was a mistake. It was nothing. Anything to save her own ass. She was being selfish. It was because she had been scared. Scared of what she could lose. And she did. She lost it all.
The looks Adrien gave her started as disgust. As if she were some cheap whore, standing there begging for him to give her a ride. Now it was just pain. He was sad. Broken. At least when he was mad, it was easy for her. Now, seeing that she hurt him, that was worse.
She had been up for two days. Two days of emergency this and that. Two days without even a peek in an on-call room. Derek was there too, but he looked over her like she didn't exist. And if he did catch her eye, it was by mistake. Then the look she received was as if she was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. So, there she stood, bottle of tequila in her hand, contemplating what to do.
She stood there, looking down. Down at the sidewalk. If she would lean just a little, she could be down there, a mess, bleeding out before everyone. How terribly dramatic that would be. The ultimate end to the Meredith Grey saga. But yet too easy. Life had been so much easier before. At least when she was in pain, she was in pain, period. Not this taste she had. It was a bitter taste that covered her mouth, ensnaring her senses. It was the taste of happiness followed by heartache. At least pain was pain. But this, this tasted like shit.
She slowly climbed up on the cement railing. It was wide. Eight inches, maybe a foot. She stood there looking down. It was invigorating. It was refreshing. The air felt so light and comfortable. She walked, one foot in front of the other. Balancing a bottle of tequila in her hand. She placed her hand flat, siting the bottle on her palm as she walked. She was on the tight rope of life. She wasn't contemplating whether or not to jump. She wouldn't do that. But it was nice to flirt. To know she had a choice. She felt the nearly empty as it quickly slipped and crashed to the sidewalk below.
"Shit!" She said as she peered down. "That wasn't good." She muttered as she looked at the liquid seeping out of the broken glass, spreading like blood.
Adrien drove up to the upscale apartment building. He needed to talk to her. He needed her to know that he wasn't mad. He was. But not enough to keep causing her pain. Not enough to watch her walk around on a painful fog. Not enough for her to self-destruct. He glanced up at her apartment as he drove to the gates. He gasped as he looked up, seeing her standing on the railing. He quickly hit the gas, not waiting for the gate to open.
His heart was beating quickly as he sprinted down the hallway. He didn't have a key. There was no key. She was right there, getting ready to jump, and he was an apartment's length away. No way to save her. Her blood would run down the sidewalk and down the drain, and he couldn't save her. She would be gone, and he couldn't save her. He ran to the door. He wiggled the handle, it was locked. And the dead bolt was probably locked too. He raised his leg and with all his strength, he kicked. He nearly knocked himself out as he fell backwards. In the heat of the moment, with adrenaline pumping, he barreled at the door. It burst open, wood splintering. Was he too late?
He watched as one foot slid down. Then the other. She was in a sitting position, feet dangling over the edge. He sprinted across the apartment, shoving the door open hastily. He quickly ran over and pulled her backwards off of the edge and onto himself. He laid back, her on top of him.
"What the hell are you doing?" She slurred slightly as she climbed off of him.
"I thought- I was saving you!" He said quickly as he looked at her annoyed face.
"Saving me from what? Enjoying myself?" She spat as she glared at him.
"You were going to jump." He told her frankly.
"I wasn't going to jump! I think I'd know if I was going to jump." She said as she plopped down in the chair at the table. "Besides, if I was jumping, I wouldn't screw around. I'd just do it."
"You were walking on the edge." He pointed out as he sat in the chair next across from her.
"Yeah. I was playing trapeze." She said sarcastically.
"You're drunk. You're drunk and you were walking several stories up on the edge." He said in shock.
"I think we've went over this already." She said with a nod. "And I need more tequila, because there is only one of you. Either that, or I hit my head when you caused me to fall." She said as she stood up.
"Meredith." He said as he grabbed her hand.
"Don't bother." She said as she pushed his hand down and walked inside.
He sat there, looking at the ground. He wasn't sure if she was coming back out. He wasn't sure what to do. Even coming over, he hadn't come up with a solid plan. There was no plan of action to be carried out. He heard the door open and glanced up at Meredith, who took her bottle of tequila and laid down in a lounge chair.
"What the hell did you do to my door?" She asked angrily.
"I thought you were going to hurt yourself. I broke it." He said quickly.
"Well, thanks, thanks a lot." She muttered. She laid back, staring off onto space.
"I don't hate you." He finally said as he looked at her. She was laying back, looking at the gray sky.
"You should." She said frankly. "You really should."
"I don't. People make mistakes. You made a mistake. You're allowed to do that." He said softly as he closed the space in from the chair, he was sitting to hers.
"Don't do that." He said as she glanced up at him.
"What?" He asked as he looked at her sadly.
"Don't be a good guy. I don't deserve it. I fucked a guy behind your back. Just walk away." She said as she looked off at the city.
Adrien's heart sank. His worst fears were confirmed. She had in fact, slept with Derek. She was admitting it. But looking at her, he couldn't help but hurt for her. His heart couldn't not break. She was remorseful. She was sad. She knew it was wrong. People move past these things. They could too.
"Meredith. You made a mistake. A big mistake." He said as he placed his hand on her cheek.
"Just go. Don't waste your time on me. I am a waste of time. I am a hailstorm of misery. Save yourself." She said as she took a big swig of tequila. "Go!" She yelled. "And pull my busted ass door shut when you leave." She yelled as she watched him walk off. She laid her head back and closed her eyes.
Meredith opened her eyes and shivered. It was still dark. And it was cold, really cold. She looked up at the bright lights of the city. The lights were spectacular as the dazzled in her somewhat intoxicated state. She grabbed her head as she sat up. Seattle was so much prettier as it spun. She stumbled to her feet, and shakily walked to the door. Then it hit. Nausea. She rushed quickly, bouncing off of walls, as she could to the bathroom. She crashed heavily against the toilet as she retched.
She wasn't sure how long she had been there. Minutes. Hours, maybe. Either way, her insides were now outside. Her skin was damp from a cold sweat. She never remembered tequila doing this to her. But then again, she hadn't eaten in god knows how long. She hadn't slept, except for the short amount that she did in the cold air. So yeah, I guess tequila was kicking her butt.
Mark looked at the door as he approached. A little damaged. Someone had definitely taken their frustrations out on in. He slowly pushed it open, hazardly creeping inside, being sure to avoid the certain danger that was hidden. He made his way through the bedrooms, the kitchen, living room, there was nothing. He decided that it had to have been Meredith. Meredith or her many men. The urge to pee took him over as the third scotch finally hit bottom. He didn't bother flipping the light on as he walked in and whipped it out. His foot kicked something. The scent of vomit filled his nostrils.
"If you piss on me, I'll kill you." Meredith growled as she grabbed his leg. He quickly tucked himself in and flipped on the light.
"What the hell are you doing?" He asked her in shock as he looked down.
"Dying..." She said. "Oh god!" She moaned before retching again.
"Are you okay?" He asked as he bent down.
"Oh, I'm great." She said as she laid down on the floor. "Just pee. I won't be out of here anytime soon." She said as she closed her eyes.
"You're burning up." He said as he felt her head.
"I'm fine..." She said as she laid her face on the cold hard tile.
"How much did you drink?" He asked, smelling the liquor wafting in the air.
"I don't know." She muttered. "A bottle."
"A bottle! God, Mer..." He said as he shook his head in disappointment. He walked out and returned with aspirin and water. "Take this." He said as he handed it to her. She sat up and drank the water down.
"Shit!" She muttered a few minutes later as she began to retch. She felt his firm hand on her back. "Can you bring me a blanket and pillow?"
"You're going to sleep in here?" He asked in shock.
"Yeah. I'm hot and cold. I can't stop puking." She said as she looked up at him.
"You're not sleeping in here." He said as he picked her up and carried her to the chair on the living room. She curled up as he walked off, bringing a trash can back with him.
"I think I'm dying..." She said as she closed her eyes and shivered.
Mark watched her until she began to snore. He slept on the sofa, waking up every couple of hours to check on her. Her temperature was high, but not high enough to rush her in. She was either pale or flushed when he would look up at her. Even with her blankets, she would shiver. He didn't know what else he could do. He did know there was no way she would make it to work in the morning.
"Oh god!" Meredith cried as she ran into the bathroom.
"I think you need to be checked out." Mark said as he watched her walk back into the kitchen.
"I'm okay. It's just this damn schedule. It's killing me." She said with a moan.
"When was the last time you ate?" Mark asked as he looked up at her, putting her shoes on.
"Last night." She said frankly.
"Okay... When was the last time you ate something, and it didn't come back up?" He asked smartly.
"I don't know." She muttered as she pulled her boots on. "It's just a stomach thing or whatever."
"You need to get it checked out. You work at a hospital to cure disease. Not spread it." He said quickly.
"Yeah yeah." She muttered as she pulled her jacket on and opened the door.
Meredith made sure she had her bag by her side as she drove to the hospital. She couldn't get far without throwing her insides up. It had been a few days, and her attendings were starting to get concerned. Everyone was getting concerned, and she was trying not to.
Life was a mess. She and Derek still weren't talking. At least at this point, they weren't giving each other dirty looks and yelling. They were just pretending one another didn't exist. And Adrien was being as nice as can be. She knew if she gave the nod, he would be right back with her. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to act.
"Where the hell are my interns!" She shouted from the middle of the hallway. She was tired of chasing them down. She felt like shit, and she didn't want to deal with them today.
"Uh, I'm sure they're around here somewhere." A nurse said as she walked by.
"They damn well better be!" She shouted as she looked down at a pile of charts. "Fucking interns." She spat angrily.
"Such language..." Adrien said as he walked up.
"Sorry." She muttered as she flipped a chart open. She took a deep breath and held her stomach as it began to flip flop.
"Are you okay?" Adrien asked as he looked over.
"Yeah... I... Oh... I'm okay." She said as she straightened up. "There you worthless suckers are." She said as she saw them trail over to her. "From now on, you find me. On time. I don't want to track your asses down, period. It is a privilege for you to be here, act like it!" She yelled.
"We-" Jacob Weathers started.
"Shut your damn mouth." Meredith spat.
"God, someone is being Bitc-" Daniel Carter started to say.
"Don't you dare finish that." Meredith said as she glared at him. "Since you guys are so freaking smart... Carter, I know you love rectals. Have at it. Pierce, you get the pit. Sutures unlimited, I hear. Mather, my post-op notes. And let's try to do a good job, alright? If i can't read them, you can do them over. Weathers, you get the clinic. And Eastman, Dr. Daniels."
"Hey! Why does she get the good assignment?" Mather spat as he looked at her.
"Are you seriously going there?" Meredith said as she glared at him.
"Okay..." Carter rushed off. Mather followed him. "Someone needs to get laid."
"Excuse me?" Meredith shouted. The kept walking.
"Sorry, Dr. Grey." Dina said with a faint smile.
"Dr. Daniels is waiting." Meredith said as she placed her hands on the counter and sighed.
"Are you okay?" Adrien asked as he walked up.
"No." Meredith said frankly. "No."
"Would you like to get some coffee?" He asked with a smile. She looked at him and sighed.
"Yeah. I think I would." Meredith said with a nod.
"So how are you doing?" Adrien asked as they approached the coffee cart.
"Why? Why ask me? Why be nice?" Meredith asked with a frown.
"Because I am nice. And because I believe in forgiveness." He said as he ordered her mocha latte.
Meredith sat down and began sipping her coffee. She glanced up and caught Derek's eye as he walked in the entrance. It was just a second. But it felt like forever. She could tell he was still mad at her. The knot in her stomach grew as she felt the mental daggers hitting her. She looked at the floor, not able to take the guilt.
"You shouldn't. Some things shouldn't be forgiven." Meredith said softly.
"Meredith. Look at me." Adrien said as he looked up at her. She turned and faced him.
"I miss you. You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. You made a mistake. I can get over it. I can forgive." He said as he looked into her eyes.
"I don't deserve it. You don't understand..." She said as she looked at her coffee.
"Why do you insist on hating yourself so much?" He asked as he placed his hand on her shoulder.
"Because, if I hate myself more than everyone else does... It's easier." She said as she stood up.
"I still love you." He said loudly as she walked away.
Meredith sat in the back of the gallery. It was pretty much empty. She just needed to escape. She had a long surgery earlier. Her feet were killing her. Her back was killing her. And she was starving. She looked down at the bowel resection that Dr. Bailey was doing. She admired the way she worked so confidently. It seemed that lately, all of Meredith's confidence had flown out the window.
She sat in the back of the room, eating her animal crackers and drinking her soda. She wasn't a fan of soda, but it was the only fizzy thing in the machine, and the fizz seemed to soothe her stomach. She stared off into space, not even noticing Derek sitting in the other far corner, studying her.
The room emptied out. The OR was now empty. And there she sat. She was in another place. She was thinking. Thinking about what to do. How to move on. Where to go from here. She looked up when she heard someone caught. She saw Derek, sitting at the opposite end, reading.
"Fine!" She yelled. The anger was boiling. "I get that you fucking hate me! Are you happy?" She shouted as she stood up. "I get it." Derek looked up at her and chuckled. "What?" She spat.
"I don't hate you." He said with a snort.
"Yes, you do." She grumbled.
"If I hated you, you'd know it." He said frankly. "And so, would I."
"Well, it sure feels like you do." She said as she paced back and forth.
"I don't hate you. Pissed, yes. Fucking pissed. But not hate." He said as he watched her.
"Okay. Fine. You have a right to be pissed. But so, do I. You're an asshole. A real big fucking asshole. Do you hear me?" She yelled as she pointed at him.
"How could I not? You're yelling at me." He said nonchalantly.
"Yeah. An asshole. You- Ah! You- Why did you do that? Why did you have to do that to him?" Meredith spat.
"Why? Why! Maybe because you string me along. You hide. We sneak around. I feel like a second-rate piece of shit. I feel like you are using me." He said frankly.
"Using you? For what? Sex. Let me tell you, you're not that good!" She yelled as she lied to his face.
"Oh really. Well you seem to enjoy it. Enough that you fuck around on your boyfriend." He said as he stood up.
"That's funny Derek. Really funny. I was happy... I like- I love him. And I chose him, and you showed up. You showed up and- Ah! You! You! I was staying away. I was..." She said as she paced.
"You were not happy!" Derek said as he shook his head. "And I did not force you to have sex. In fact, you were all too eager to spread your legs like a-" He started to say. Her eyes turned red with fire as she raised her hand and smacked him.
"Why?" She gasped as she looked up at him. "How could you?" She said as she began to cry. She opened the door and rushed out.
"Meredith! I didn't mean that. I'm sorry." He yelled to deaf ears. "Shit..." He muttered as he walked down the stairs, running his hands through his hair.
Things need to come to a boil before anything major can happen... I know I'm testing your patience! It's just a matter of matter of time, I promise!