Chapter twenty-five: If I die young
August 1925,
It was the first anniversary.
The first anniversary of her husband's death, so Kate wanted to be left alone. She was angry with herself. She was furious with herself for not wanting to cry her eyes out. Even though she was sipping a glass of whiskey, the urge to get drunk didn't appeal to her. She couldn't understand this. Why couldn't she by like normal women and be sobbing her eyes out?
Someone taps on the door of her bedroom. "Go away."
"Aww," her head shoots up at the sound of Alfie's voice. "and I brought you a challah, at your request."
She exhales. "Come on in Alfie, the door's not locked." He opens the door and enters. His face stills at her expression. She smiles faintly. "I'm sorry; I'm not a good mood today."
"Hmm, then I showed up on a good day then." He moves to sit beside her on the couch, handing her the loaf of bread. "Here."
"Thank you." She unwraps it and inhales. "It smells lovely."
"Don't it?" she nods. He exhales, watching her very closely for a moment before stating. "So, I hear that you're with Changretta now."
Kate shakes her head. "I'm not with him, exclusively."
"That's not what he says. Claims you two will be getting married soon."
She rolls her eyes. "Ridiculous. We've only gone out three times."
"And, how is it?"
Kate exhales. "I don't know. I really don't know."
There was something just wrong with the whole thing. Luca called her once a week and Kate still hadn't gotten to the point where she was running to hurriedly answer his phone calls. He took her out to dinner three times and she enjoyed it. She enjoyed his company and she enjoyed conversing with him about the arts. He hadn't tried to kiss her, for that she was grateful. A part of her seemed to know that if he tried, that she'd smack him hard.
"Really?" Alfie drawls out.
She glances at Alfie, who's leaning back studying her carefully. "What?" she snaps at Alfie. "I hate that look. What is it you're not saying?"
Alfie is silent for a moment before stating. "That Shelby bastard broke your heart, didn't he?" she snorts and rolls her eyes. "You can't fool me Kate. I've known you too long."
"I don't know what you-
"Er, come off it now. You may fool others, even him, but you can't fool me." Alfie states. "You probably can't even admit it to yourself."
"Admit what?" she shouts. "What is it? Alfie, you know it drives me insane when you talk to me in riddles!"
Alfie is silent for a long time before admitting. "That you're in love with Thomas Shelby."
Kate snorts. "Have you been drinking?"
"No, but you have." Alfie exhales as he leans back. "I've known you for years. It's early day, you rarely drink."
"Today is the day Emmett died." She bites out. "So, excuse me for indulging just this once."
He's silent for a long time, nodding his head. "I was unaware. I'm sorry."
"You're forgiven." She exhales as she picks up her whiskey. "Again, what is this about? You're up to something."
"I had business with Shelby and then wanted to see you."
"What kind of business?"
"Glasses." Alfie takes her glass from her and swallows the last bit, making a slight face. "Jeez, that's strong."
"Which is why I drink it."
He exhales. "What are you doing to yourself Kate? Truth to be told, I don't see what you're doing with Changretta, all things considered."
"Neither do I." Kate stiffens as that admission easily trips off her tongue. She exhales. "He's good to me."
"Don't mean he's good for you." Alfie states as he rubs her shoulder. "You should find someone better."
"I'll find that out in my own time."
"You already have."
She turns towards him. "What does that even mean?"
"Kate, you ain't supposed to be out of mourning for another year and a half. I've had people keep an eye on you and-
She glowers darkly at him. "How dare you. Are you spying on me?"
"Hey, I just bribed a maid enough to know that you always wear black when you go out with Luca and keep your hair pinned up. You wear color at the Shelby house and let your hair down, like today."
"So? And you're way too involved in my personal life."
"Oi, when Changretta comes looking to me for something, I want to know if I'm going to hurt your feelings or not if I turn him down. I can see that I won't. You're trying to keep Changretta at bay. Something happened, between you and Shelby didn't it?"
Kate glowers at him as she stands up. "No, nothing happened." She exhales. "If you're going back to Camden town, I need a ride."
He nods. "Yeah, why?"
"My business. I'll be down shortly."
He chuckles. "Right, I know when I'm not wanted."
"Well, I want to change my clothes and I can hardly do that when you're present!"
Alfie makes a face of mock-disgust. "Who needs to see that? I'll be waiting down in the car."
"Thank you."
"Right." Alfie starts to walk out the room, gripping his cane firmly. "Don't worry, one day Shelby'll figure out that you'll make him a good baleboste."
She blinks. "A what?"
"Good homemaker." She rolls her eyes. "A woman in charge of her own house and will make sure that her husband remembers it."
She chuckles. "Well, he'll find one; however, it won't be me. Now shoo!"
"That's why Shelby should marry you. He needs someone to boss him around." Kate grabs a book and throws it, deliberately missing Alfie. He turns towards her and shoots her a look. "And you need someone to stand up to that temper of yours."
"I'll be down in five, if you ever get out of here!" she orders. "Now, go!"
"Alright then!" Alfie exits her room, shutting the door behind him, muttering in Yiddish. Kate rolls her eyes as she undoes her dress. She doesn't know why she's doing this, but she is. She hurriedly changes into a black outfit with a matching hat. She doesn't pin her hair up, she braids it; the way Emmett liked it.
Kate hurries down the stairs without a word to anyone. She hadn't joined anyone for breakfast and she'd felt too despondent to check in on Charlie. She almost made it to the front door when Thomas exited the library.
"Kate," he states. "answer the phone! It's for you."
She's silent for a moment before saying. "Tell them, I'll call them back."
"It's Changretta." He says. "He's called twice already and I can't-
"Oh, for God's sake!" she spins around and snaps at him. "Tell him that I don't care to talk to anyone right now! Understood? And that includes you!"
"Kate?" he steps towards her. "Are you alright?" she doesn't answer him. She just opens the front door, slams it behind her before running down the stairs. She can hear Thomas wrenching the door open and bellow. "Kate!" she runs and gets inside the car.
Alfie looks shocked as she slams her car door shut and bellows at the driver. "Move!"
"Now, hold on, Shelby is-
"Just wants to have another fight." She huffs as she sits back in the seat. "I'll deal with him later."
Alfie frowns. "Are you sure you two don't-
"Enough, Alfie!" she groans as she rubs her head. "Enough! Please!"
He exhales. "Alright, I know today's a hard day and I'll give you some leeway. But keep in mind, I am a friend and I won't put up with your attitude for long."
"Then stop asking if Shelby and I would make a good match!"
Alfie is silent for a moment before nodding. "Alright, I won't bring it up. Didn't realize he'd hurt you."
"He's a Peaky Blinder." She says bitterly as she looks out the window. "Isn't that their specialty?"
Kate kneels by the gravestone and wipes away the leaves and moss. She exhales as she places her hand on it. "I'm a horrible person, Emmett. You've been gone a year and…there's been so much excitement that, I feel as if I haven't had any time to mourn properly. I would like to cry but…I feel as if there aren't any more tears left in me. Something's wrong with me, I don't know what it is." she bites her lip. "I'm mad at myself, because….we went through so much to be together and we had so short a time together and now….I don't understand why I'm not wallowing in despair. I'm alone and…I'm not crying my eyes out. In fact, it's been a year now and…I'm going out with someone!"
She shakes her head in disgust. "I'm almost as bad as Mr. Shelby, since I'm supposed to be having dinner with Changretta this week, but, I think I'll cancel. I'm in no humor to deal with anyone. Him least of all." she sighs as she rubs her nose. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Alfie's right, something is off with me. I like Changretta, but…I can't see myself marrying him. How could I marry someone whose mother shot you and then I shot her?" Kate shudders. "You were the love of my life, she was a friend…but still I shot her in the face! God," she shakes her head. "this is wrong. This is so very wrong. All of this is wrong. I should feel some kind of spark of longing for you, but I don't. I do miss you terribly though, especially when I think about all we could have shared together."
She exhales. "But…ironically how that just talking to you from the grave, seems to be enough to bring me to my senses. No one else can do that." she smiles faintly as she sits down, leaning against the side of the headstone. "I do miss you so, darling. I doubt I'll marry again. I'm a very selfish and temperamental woman and, you smoothed those rough edges from me. I don't think there's another man on this earth that can handle me as you did." She sighs. "I'll stay here a few hours with you, while I collect my thoughts. Even though you're gone, you help me to think better. You really shouldn't have left me so soon. Now that you're gone...look at the mess I've gotten myself into!"
It's starting to grow dark when Kate finally stands up from the grave and places a kiss on the head of the tombstone. She then tightly wraps her arms around her waist as she exits the cemetery. She's not superstitious, but the thought of being surrounded by dead bodies at night is rather creepy.
As she walks down the pathway, she notices Thomas Shelby there, leaning against his car, calmly smoking a cigarette. When he looks up at her, he pauses for a second, drops his cigarette to the ground and grinds it out.
"How'd you know where I was, Thomas?" she asks as he approaches her, a hand in his pocket. "I told no one, not even Alfie."
"On August 7th, I nearly lost my wife." He says as he stops within reach of her. "You lost your husband the very next day. I figured you'd be here." his eyes studied her. "Solomons called me up after dropping you off and he sounded worried. So, I came on down to check on you."
She shrugs. "Thank…you."
"Don't." he exhales. "I'm aware that you've put all personal feelings aside, but, neither of us can deny that I'm not partly to blame for your loss. And for that, I am truly sorry Kate." she inhales deeply, tightly gripping onto her arms. He never apologizes and she can't stand him being this kind to her. "Hey," he steps closer. "it's alright to cry, Kate."
"Crying…is for the weak." She croaks.
"If you're a man." he says softly as he places his hands on her shoulder. "If anyone's earned the right to cry, it's you."
Something….she wasn't sure how he did it, but something in his voice just broke her.
Kate nearly hit the ground as a rush of sobs burst suddenly out of her, but he was ready. "I've got you. I've got you." Thomas assured her as he held onto her while holding onto her for as long as her tears lasted. She wasn't sure how long the moment was, but he let her cling to him. She only knew that she felt somewhat better if not exhausted as her tears subsided. For a violent and dangerous man, Thomas always had a calming presence.
She pulls away, wiping her eyes as she's finally done crying. Thomas handed her his handkerchief. "Better?"
"Yes," she inhales as she tucks his handkerchief into her bag. She intends to have it cleaned before returning it to him. "I will be in time."
"Won't we all?" Thomas helps her from the ground. He studies her for a moment, something in his gaze made her uncomfortable for a few seconds. He suddenly leaned forward and pressed a light kiss on her forehead. While it was a brotherly gesture, it made her heart race in her chest and she closed her eyes, lest they betrayed what was going on inside her. "Come on. I'll take you out for dinner."
He holds out his hand to her and without even thinking twice, Kate takes it. "Alright."
Kmhappybunny240: Yes, that's what pushed her over the edge.
MeriemDjez: Yes, Thomas is going to have another moment when the green monster comes out. I didn't care for Lizzie with Thomas. I was shocked that he actually married her! I think she may have been perfect for John, but I'm not sure. There were several moments in the show, after though he's married to Esme, betray how much he still cares for Lizzie.
TheHoodedAssassin: That's exactly what she did. Not that any of us can blame her for reacting that way. Kate and Thomas at this point are both jealous, but too stubborn to admit it! Alfie saw straight through the whole thing right away though.
Idcam: I know, I hate it when he messes up! Kate messed up as well, as we'll see in the next chapter.
Wildestdreams8913: I know, I was debating but then I thought, nope, Kate's always been headstrong and impetuous. She'd unconsciously do it to teach Thomas a lesson. It's going to be interesting for both of them, especially in the next chapter.