TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE - I will post a recap at the end for those who would like to skip this chapter.
As it worked out, the plan would take time. During that time, Malfoy had caught Astoria cheating on him and made her leave the castle.
Hermione's mind was of course, concerned for Astoria's mental health and worried that she may try and hurt herself again, but at the same time, this seemed to be it.
For a whole week after he told her, Hermione was planning, scheming, masterminding how to leave Ron and be with Malfoy. She had begun looking for places for the two of them to rent, biding her time till things felt right.
Ron had been somewhat nice to her lately, which complicated things more. Her love for him was still there, still as present as it ever was, and she wondered how someone could love two people like this at the same time.
Hermione's work like was going great. Everyone was much happier; she was far less busy than she was, and she mostly sat in meetings and gave her opinion and her permission for things to go ahead. It was the perfect job; however, she knew she was destined for more. She just had to wait it out till she could do something more worthwhile.
A week or so after Hermione found out that Astoria had left and moved to her mother's, she found herself in the cafeteria, across the table from Theo. It was an odd lunch date, however, she accepted it nonetheless.
"So tell me Granger, how are things up on level 2?" he asked.
"Things are great. I'm doing bugger all and getting paid more than ever before" she said.
"Ah, wonderful" he said, as they ate in companionable silence.
Hermione could sense that there was something he wanted to talk about, she could feel the tension radiating off him.
"What is it? There's something you want to say. Out with it, Theo" she said.
"Draco is my mate, but I've come to like you a lot Granger. Its only fair to you both that I say this" he began.
Hermione's heart sank.
"What is it Theo?" she asked.
"Well, I see you all happy and prancing around like you're on cloud 9. I just hope you're not planning anything serious" he said.
"Serious like what?" she asked.
"Like upending your entire life to be with him" Theo said.
She looked at him, stunned, unable to speak. That's exactly what she was planning.
"By the look on your face I'll say that's a yes. Look, Granger, Draco has been seeing Astoria at her mother's house. They're working on getting back together. He really fucking loves you, but… I think he actually loves her too. They're married for Salazar's sake" he said.
As the colour drained from Hermione's face, she suddenly felt quite unable to finish her meal.
"I should go" she said, standing and taking her left overs to the bin.
"I'm sorry Granger. Its best you know now, before you did anything" he said.
"Thank you Theo" she said, turning away before tears filled her eyes.
She rushed to the bathroom and took her phone out of her pocket. She had taken to having it with her everywhere she went, as she was now in touch with Malfoy more than ever.
HG – Is she moving back?
DM – What do you mean?
HG – What I mean Malfoy, is your wife moving back to your marital home? Are you getting back together?
His reply took what felt like forever. She shut herself in the cubicle of the toilet and sat on the closed toilet lid while her knees bounced with anticipation. This was it, all her plans were either about to come to fruition, or she was back to square one. If he replied and said they were not getting back together, she would do it today. She would leave work now and pack and leave Ron before he got home from work.
DM – She is.
Tears fell freely from her eyes. All her hopes for a life with him were dashed. All her plans were now gone. Everything she wanted would never come to be.
She didn't text him back. In fact, for the next few days, she didn't text him at all. She made excuses not to attend meetings she new he would be at and she avoided anywhere she knew he used to frequent.
It had become so difficult for Hermione to even comprehend how close she had come to giving everything up, to sacrifice everything she had with Ron, with the Weasleys, to change her whole life, tear Rose's family apart and leave the solid foundation of a life that she had. The more she thought about it, the more she thought Malfoy perhaps was all lies. He had told her things to make her fall for him. The more she thought about it, the more she felt her heart break.
She had now made a conscious decision to stop it. To end this. No more. If he wanted to be with his wife, he had to be with her completely. He had now made a choice. He had settled this. He had decided this for them. She would let him go.
Hermione's heartbreak and self-loathing had become so bad that others had started to notice. When Ron questioned her, she simply told him she had the flu and needed a week off work. He didn't push, he didn't ask questions. She just stayed in bed, day in and day out till she couldn't stand it any longer. She knew this feeling, she had read about it, she had felt it during the war months. The depression, the complete lack of any happy thought. It felt like a hundred dementors had moved in with her and laid beside her in bed.
She barely had effort to care for Rose and the idea of trying to play happy mum to her daughter made her want to vomit. Ron had taken up the slack in that department, somehow stepping up and being the father he should have always been to his daughter. That was the only thing Hermione needed to verify the one thought she had traversing through her mind in the dark hours of the night.
When the Burrow was quiet and Ron was snoring beside her, when she had run out of tears to cry, she made a decision. Her life was worthless. Her job was meaningless, she was, as they said, just a figurehead. She didn't actually do anything except attend meetings and sit at her desk. Her desk. The place where Malfoy had screwed her time and time again. She couldn't go back there. Everything was too much. Everything reminded her of him. Of how much she loved him, of how close she was to leaving her life to be with him.
She went to her bathroom and then to the communal bathroom of the burrow and found as many pain potions as she could. Her thought was purely to end her pain, however, when she thought about how things had changed, how Rose was happy now that Ron was paying her attention, how her job was going on without her having been there in days. How Malfoy was probably happily at home with his wife.
She took the potions with her back to her bedroom and checked her phone. The messages that Malfoy had been sending her throughout the week were all deleted. His apologies, his sickening efforts at trying to convince her to continue their affair.
She hadn't replied to any of them. She couldn't even force her fingers to select his pseudonym in her list of contacts now to offer some kind of explanation.
She set the pin code and shut off her phone. If Malfoy text her and Ron found it, at least he wouldn't be able to see everything she had done. He wouldn't piece together how horrible of a person she had been. He wouldn't feel the stabbing betrayal that she felt.
She took the potions, one by one and, with a simple wave of her wand, vanished the phials to the paddock where no one would find them. If her plan worked, Ron would simply find her dead in the morning and think she had succumbed to the nasty flu she had apparently been battling.
The world would mourn one third of the Golden Trio, Ron would mourn his daughter's mother, but there was no one left to mourn Hermione Granger. The know it all book worm, who daren't break the rules and refused to betray her morals. The Hermione who had spent her whole life, desperate for someone to love her, for Ron to love her the way she needed. The Hermione who had finally found love, finally felt what it was like to love someone till it hurt, only to have had it all be a lie.
She felt the effects of the potions take hold of her body and laid beside Ron, kissing him once before closing her eyes. This would be the end of her pain. The end of her meaningless life.
The sun streamed in the window as it usually did, and she felt a weight on the bed beside her. She was alive. It failed. She failed. No one knew, no one would know. No one found her lifeless body in her bed, no one would mourn her. She felt so much more alone now than ever before. Alone and completely hopeless.
She just had to live with the pain. Live with how much of a failure she felt in every aspect of her life. In her relationship, her child, work, even her morals. She had failed everything.
AN- If you're struggling please do not make this choice. It feels like there is no hope, like there is no salvation, but please know that there are things that can help. Someone who can understand. Call the support number in your country. For Australia it is Lifeline 13 11 14, or Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636.
RECAP – Malfoy caught Astoria cheating and made her leave. Hermione was concerned for Astoria's mental health, but this seemed to be final. For a week Hermione plans how she will leave Ron, looking for a place to rent, biding her time till things felt right. Ron decides it's a good time to start being nice, which confuses Hermione immensely. Work was going well, she just felt like she was destined for more.
At lunch with Theo, she finds out that Malfoy let Astoria come back and they're working things out. This sends Hermione into a frenzy. She made a decision to end their affair and tore her own heart out in the process.
No one can know, she can't confide in anyone. She sinks into a terrible place where all her thoughts consume her. She feels alone and lost.
She wakes the next morning, knowing that she will have to live with this pain, with how much of a failure she had become.