Pathetic Proposals

Malfoy looked past Hermione's smirk to see everyone's wand pointed in his direction.

Snapping his fingers, Malfoy said, "Weasel twits, I'm claiming my prize. Get your asses over here and protect me. And if I make a joke laugh at it."

"Oh, I get it," said George. "We're his new Crabbe and Goyle."

"I call dibs on Goyle," said Fred right away.

"Why Goyle?" asked George.

"Because, duh, he shagged Hermione three times."

"There will be no shagging!" Draco snapped.

"How do you feel about heavy petting?" asked Fred.

"Don't touch her! Duel them," Malfoy ordered, gesturing toward Harry, Ron and Ginny.

Not having to be told twice, Fred hit Harry with a Petrificus Totalus while George encased Ginny in a giant bubble.

"Sorry, bro," said Fred, aiming his wand at Ron, who was still standing there stupidly. "Stupefy!"

Careening wildly, Ron knocked into Ginny, who went bouncing across the room.

"Who knew doing Malfoy's bidding would be so fun?" said George, admiring their handiwork. Harry and Ron were down for the count, and Ginny was silently cursing them from inside her bubble.

"Don't forget Granger!" Malfoy exclaimed.

"You told us not to touch her," Fred pointed out.

"I meant in a sexual way," Malfoy clarified.

"If we touch her, it's probably going to be sexual. We're guys." George shrugged. "We have urges."

"Yeah, no promises," said Fred, winking at Hermione.

Hermione rolled her eyes and cast a Finite on her friends. Harry, Ron and Ginny got to their feet and scowled at the twins.

Fred and George shrugged. "Malfoy made us do it."

"Yeah, but you didn't have to enjoy it so much," growled Ginny, sending Stinging Hexes at Fred, George and Malfoy.

"You two are imbeciles,"grumbled Malfoy, rubbing his ass. "You're worse than Crabbe and Goyle for fuck's sake."

"Does this mean you do want us to touch Hermione?" asked Fred

"No!"

"Are you through playing games, Malfoy?" asked Harry, looking tired. "Because we have work to do."

"And you have a wedding to get ready for," said Ron, scowling at Malfoy.

"You can't make me marry her," Draco huffed, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Maybe they can't, but I can," said Hermione, glaring at him.

Malfoy laughed. "What are you going to do? Imperius me? You couldn't even use an Unforgivable on a frigging spider."

"I thought it was an Acromantula!"

"Whatever. The point is you can't make me marry you. If you asked me nicely, maybe I'd consider it, but I prefer long engagements."

"Should we laugh at that?" George whispered to Fred, looking confused.

Fred shrugged and then let out a huge guffaw. "Good one, Malfoy."

Not wanting to be outdone, George laughed even more obnoxiously.

"This isn't a joke, Malfoy," said Hermione, scowling. "There's a war going on. You are marrying me, and you are marrying today!"

"No," said Malfoy stubbornly.

"I'm not asking, Malfoy. I'm commanding. I'm using my command that I won in our bet."

"You're going to command me to marry you?" Malfoy sneered. "That's a little desperate, don't you think?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Hermione growled. He was really starting to piss her off. Was having to marry her that awful?

"You can't be serious," Malfoy scoffed.

"I am serious. Deadly serious," she replied, raising her wand.

"But I don't want to marry you," Malfoy whined.

"Why not?" Hermione huffed. "Because you're a Pureblood, and I'm a... a Mudblood!" she spat.

"No! Because we are both frigging teenagers! We've been on two dates if you count that horrid wedding, and both times it's been with all these losers," Malfoy snapped, gesturing at the doofuses around them.

"That's a little harsh," said Fred.

"Yeah," agreed George. "Like you would have gotten as far as you did on those dates without us there."

Ignoring the twins, Malfoy continued, "And if that wasn't enough reason to not marry you, that was the most pathetic proposal I've ever heard!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. What did you expect, Malfoy? That I would express my undying lurf for you?" asked Hermione sarcastically. "Perhaps if I called you a darling dear or complimented your pretty, pink hair, you would have been more accepting of my proposal!"

"Perhaps, if you weren't such a bitch about the whole thing, I might have!" he yelled back at her.

"Look, Malfoy," said Hermione, trying to control her temper. "I don't want to marry you anymore than you want to marry me. But if we want to destroy these Horcruxes and get rid of Voldemort for good, it just happens to be something we both have to do. Unless you don't care about saving the frigging world, you selfish prat!"

"But why do I have to do it?" whined Malfoy. "Why don't you marry Weasel?"

"I can't marry Hermione!" exclaimed Ron with a look of horror on his face. "Mum would kill me. Besides, you're the one in lurf with her. I just lurf sausages."

"I'll marry her," offered Fred. "George can probably handle the ceremony by himself, and I think it would be fun. Hey, Ron, can I borrow your owl for the honeymoon?"

"No!" exclaimed Malfoy and Ron at the same time.

"But then who's going to marry our Hermione?" asked Fred, grinning at Malfoy.

"Well, I suppose I–" began George.

"Fine! I'll do it!" snapped Malfoy, glaring at Fred. "I'll marry her... to save the world.

"Don't do me any favors," Hermione snapped.

"You forgot about the honeymoon part, didn't you?" said Fred, smirking at Malfoy.

"Just so you know," said Ron, looking at Malfoy seriously. "I'm not letting you borrow my owl either."

"There will be no need for an owl or a honeymoon," snapped Hermione, still angry at Malfoy. "We're getting married and then immediately annulling it because we have a job to do, and you are an asshole!"

"Well," said George thoughtfully, "We'll have to wait for confirmation from our contact before we can actually annul it, so at the very least you should have time for a quickie."

"I'll probably have a headache," Hermione muttered.

Malfoy scowled in reply.

"Now that we have that settled, we'll have to throw Malfoy a bachelor party," said Ron eagerly.

"Is that really necessary?" Hermione asked rhetorically. "You don't even like him."

"I like bachelor parties."

"We don't have time for that kind of nonsense. We should do the wedding now, so we can destroy the Horcruxes as soon as possible. And besides, Malfoy can't leave Grimmauld Place without me. Fiancé or not, I'm still his babysitter."

Ron snorted. "I think you can take one night off from your 'babysitting' duties," he said, using air quotes.

Hermione glared. "We don't have any time to waste. We have to do it as soon as possible, and I'm not marrying him while he's still drunk off his ass."

"Why not?" Ron asked "It would sure make things easier with the whole forcing him to marry you."

"Because this is my first marriage. And while I'm not expecting it to be the romantic wedding that I've dreamed of since I was a little girl, especially seeing as he's being such a prat about it," Hermione said, glaring over at Malfoy, "I will not have this momentous occasion marred by the groom puking on me."

"So, we'll give him a Sobriety Potion," said Ron dismissively. "It's not a real wedding without a bachelor party."

"He's right, Hermione. It's tradition," said Fred definitively.

"Yeah," agreed George. "This isn't the time to be half assing things."

"Well," hedged Hermione, not liking being accused of doing anything half ass, "I suppose you could do it here, so long as I can keep an eye on him. I am still his babysitter, you know."

"Here! We can't do it here!" exclaimed Ron.

"Definitely not," agreed Fred. "That would be–"

"Lame!" finished George.

"Why? There's some Firewhisky in the kitchen," said Hermione, not seeing the problem with the idea.

"You obviously know nothing about bachelor parties," Ron grumbled.

"What did you guys have in mind?" asked Hermione, hands on her hips.

"Strippers," they all said in unison, although Harry kind of mumbled it.

"I'm not opposed to that," said Malfoy, perking up a bit.

"You can't bring strippers here," said Hermione. "There's a Fidelus Charm in place."

"Exactly. That's why we're going out," said Ron.

"Unless you're volunteering for the job," said Fred, raising his eyebrows up and down.

"You could finish your little routine you started at the wedding," added George, grinning at her lasciviously.

"I'm not opposed to that either," said Malfoy suddenly being agreeable.

"Absolutely not," Hermione declared, not happy to be reminded of the striptease she had performed in front of a wizard priest.

"Then we're going out," said Ron smugly.

"You are not taking Malfoy anywhere. Have you forgotten that there are Death Eaters out there looking for him? He could get killed."

"I'm okay with that." Ron shrugged.

"Me, too," said Fred with his twin nodding in agreement.

Harry at least looked a little conflicted about it.

"While I'm certainly not opposed to Malfoy dying by any means," said Ginny, smirking over at Malfoy. "We could just take him to a Muggle club. No one would recognize him there."

"Excellent idea, sis," said Ron. "However, you are not invited. Bachelor parties are for blokes only."

"If Harry's going, I'm going." Ginny insisted. "Hermione may not know what goes on at a bachelor party, but I do. We can have Hermione's hen party at the same time. It will be fun. Besides, do you really think Hermione is going to let Malfoy go off on a night of drunken debauchery without her? She is his 'babysitter' after all," she said, using air quotes.

"Hmm, drunk Hermione is fun," said Fred.

"And we might even save money on the stripper," added George.

"Okay," agreed Ron. He was totally broke anyway.

"I'll go along with whatever Ginny thinks," said Harry.

"Wuss," muttered Regulus from the wall, earning himself a glare from Harry.

"Fine," Hermione relented. "I see we're not going to get anything done unless I agree to this incredibly stupid idea. But I will go as the chaperon. I will not be drinking, and I will certainly not be stripping. After you get all of that out of your system, we will come back here, you will all take a Sobriety Potion, and Malfoy and I will get married."

"Lame," Fred whispered to George but at Hermione's glare said a little louder, "Sounds like a plan."

"But what about your hen party?" asked Ginny in disappointment. "I was going to get strippers, too."

"Oh," said Hermione in surprise.

"Granger's not interested in that nonsense," Malfoy interrupted, scowling at Ginny. "She's too busy saving the world."

Hermione scowled at Malfoy. "I can multitask, you know."

"But you said you weren't drinking!" Malfoy exclaimed.

"I'm pretty sure I can enjoy strippers even better sober," Hermione retorted.

Fred snorted, earning himself a glare from Malfoy.

"I think we're only supposed to laugh at Malfoy's jokes," George whispered loudly.

"Well, we should probably go start getting ready for tonight," said Ginny. "I forgot we were still wearing these stupid bunny costumes."

"How could you forget?" asked Ron incredulously.

"Because you guys always look like doofuses, and I'm not attracted to Hermione," said Ginny as though it were obvious.

All eyes turned on Hermione, and she self consciously crossed her arms across her chest. "Maybe we should change," Hermione admitted. "But we still have loads of time before the clubs open. I think we should start coming up with a plan to get rid of Voldemort."

"I think I have a plan actually," said Harry out of the blue.

"When did you have time to come up with a plan?" asked Hermione in surprise. If anyone was going to come up with a plan she would have thought it would be her.

"Well, Ron and I started coming up with ideas when you were in the closet with Fred... and then , well, Malfoy apparently."

Hermione felt herself blushing.

"Yeah, we thought we should come up with a better plan than you shagging Voldemort," added Ron.

Regulus snorted behind them.

"We didn't really come up with anything good at the time," admitted Harry, "but then we found out about Malfoy and what you were doing and then it just kind of clicked."

"What is it, Harry? I'm ready to help," said Hermione.

"Good. Because I'm really going to need your expertise, Hermione."

"I'll do anything," Hermione promised.

"I need you to babysit."

"What!" exclaimed Hermione angrily. "You want me to fucking babysit!"

"Now, Hermione, it's not what you think," began Harry, trying to calm her down.

"That's exactly what Remus said, and look at what I got fucking stuck with!" Hermione yelled, gesturing wildly at Malfoy.

"Is babysitting code for sex?" asked Ron. "Because I thought we agreed to not let Hermione have sex with Voldemort."

Regulus laughed again.

"Would you stop bringing that up?" Hermione snapped.

"It was your idea," grumbled Ron.

Running his hand through his hair in frustration, Harry said, "I'm not talking about sex or the type of 'babysitting' Hermione's been up to. I'm talking about actual babysitting. We all know that I'm the one who has to face Voldemort in the end, but–"

"We're not letting you face him alone, Harry," interrupted Hermione.

"I have to face him alone. The prophecy–"

"The prophecy," scoffed Hermione. "Trelawney also had a prophecy about having sex with Ron."

"And that came true," Harry pointed out.

"Yeah, it totally did," said Ron, unable to stop the grin on his face.

Ginny made a gagging noise.

"It only came true because he's a stupid, hormone-driven teenage boy. And an idiot. Really, Ron," said Hermione, turning on her lecturing voice, "having sex with a teacher is extremely inappropriate, not to mention–"

"Please," said Ron, cutting her off. "We all know you would have screwed Snape if you could have."

"You think I couldn't have!" exclaimed Hermione shrilly.

"Can we get back to the plan?" asked Harry, his hair sticking out in different directions from pulling on it so much. "I need you–"

"Exactly my point, Harry. You need me, I mean us," said Hermione at Ron's glare. "We've been there for every one of your adventures. Without us you would have died."

"I do need you... to babysit!" Harry exploded. "And if you would let me get in two words, I could tell you who."

"Well, you don't have to shout," mumbled Hermione, feeling properly chastised. "Who do you want me to babysit?"

"Death Eaters."

"You want me to babysit... Death Eaters?" asked Hermione incredulously.

"Well, not just you, all of you. Watching you and Malfoy acting so childish with your ridiculous war with one another got me thinking. It was just all so silly. I couldn't help wishing that the war I had to fight could be like that. And then I thought, why couldn't it? We could give the Death Eaters a De-aging Potion and then you guys could babysit them while I duel Voldemort. I'll be able to concentrate on what I need to do much better if I know you're not in danger. What do you think?"

"Why Harry that's... that's absolutely brilliant!" exclaimed Hermione, her eyes lighting up. "But how do we get them to take the potion?"

"I know!" exclaimed Ron. "We could put it in some Chinese takeout because who doesn't like Chinese food? Then we'll leave it on the doorstep, ring the doorbell and run."

"You really are an idiot, Weasel," Draco sneered. "That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Don't you think they would be a little bit suspicious of eating food that randomly showed up?"

"Well, it worked with Crabbe and Goyle," grumbled Ron.

"That's it!" exclaimed Hermione excitingly.

"Are you kidding me? Draco said, giving Hermione a funny look. "You think that stupid doorbell idea will work?"

"No, that was stupid, but Goyle's not. He's perfect," Hermione replied with a big smile.

Malfoy scowled. "I beg to differ."

"Think about," said Hermione, getting excited about the idea. "We need someone who can get in. You can't do it, Malfoy. They'll kill you. And none of us can do it either. A disguise would be too risky. But no one would question Goyle turning up."

"Is Goyle a Death Eater?" asked Harry.

"No, but his Father is," said Hermione.

"How do you know he's not a Death Eater?" asked Ron.

"He told me."

"What if he was lying?"

"He wasn't."

"But how do you–"

"I just know, Ronald Weasley!" snapped Hermione.

Regulus snorted.

"Do you trust Goyle?" asked Harry.

Hermione nodded. "I do."

"And do you think he would do it?"

Hermione's eyes sparkled. "I think I could talk him into it."

"No!" exclaimed Malfoy angrily. "There will be no "talking" him into anything. I won't let you do it."

"I can do what I want!"

"And I'm telling you that you can't!" shouted Malfoy. "I don't want you messing around with frigging Goyle!"

"I can, and I will! You have no right to tell me what to do. Or who to do for that matter. We're not married yet, Malfoy!" she yelled, stomping out of the room.

Malfoy looked after her in shock.

"Guess you shouldn't have asked for that long engagement," Ron joked.

"Or pissed her off so much." Fred snorted.

George clapped Malfoy on the back. "Don't listen to them, mate. There's not a chance in hell she would have let you tell her what to do even if you were married."

A/N: I'm so excited about Goyle coming back! How about you? ;)