Author's note: Hey guys so after much thought about it I decided to do some one shots for this series. Basically scenes Remus experienced only told from someone else's POV, or else scenes Remus really didn't know about. The first one is up, and it is James's POV from chapter 24. I have a few ideas for one shots in mind but if any of you have a scene you'd like to see from someone else's POV please feel free to suggest it! I can't promise I'll do it, but I might... plus I like getting ideas and knowing what you might like to see will help :) I will say one of the one shots I am considering doing is from when Remus was hanging out with Lily, Alice, and Cassandra, and the one kid was staring at Remus. I kinda wanna do that written from the other kid's POV, the one staring at Remus. Thing is, A, you don't know this character yet and won't until Remus's third or fourth year, and B, it will reveal a secret that wouldn't otherwise be revealed until Remus's fifth year. Since nobody has any connection to this character yet, I wasn't sure if this is something you'd be interested in or not, or if I should wait. Anyway, enough rambling. Enjoy the chapter!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
At study group of course everyone wanted to know what happened. The rumor of James snapping at Remus had spread, and of course everyone had seen Remus run out of the Great Hall. He mumbled that he didn't want to talk about it. Bones and Twycross both tried to question him further but Lily shot them down, telling them if they didn't want to study then they could go. Bones laughed, apologizing, while Twycross went first white then red with anger, speaking in a snappish tone for the remainder of the evening.
Remus stayed in the library after study group finished, putting off facing James again. Silverlocke remained with him, making small talk for a while as they worked on their essays. They had never been particularly close though Remus would like to get to know him better. There was something very calming and gentle about the Slytherin, something he didn't get from his other friends. The other Marauders were high energy, while Lily was so vivid and excited.
Remus wasn't very aware of the fact he wasn't really writing, mostly staring blankly at the bookshelves with the occasional sigh. Finally Silverlocke asked, "Are you sure you're doing all right, Mr. Lupin?"
Remus blinked a few times, setting his quill down. "Just a lot on m—my mind."
"Mr. Potter?" Silverlocke inquired, raising his eyebrows. Remus slowly nodded. "I do not know the extent of what happened, however considering how close you are with them I doubt he will stay mad for long."
"I dunno. I said... some not so great things," he admitted. "I tried apologizing b-but he wasn't having it."
"I'm very sorry," Silverlocke said, sounding as though he meant it. "I hope he comes around soon."
"Th—thank you." Remus smiled at him then felt rather awkward as he asked, "W—would it be all right to—" Then he stopped, unable to continue.
Silverlocke tilted his head. "What is it?"
"N-nothing. It's nothing." Remus picked up his quill returning to working on his Herbology essay. He had wanted to know if it was all right to be on first name basis, but had chickened out. He was a little afraid of Silverlocke just looking at him going 'we aren't friends just study buddies' or something like that. Silverlocke watched him for another few seconds then returned to his own schoolwork.
/\/\/\/\/\
Remus gladly returned to the dorm that night, absolutely worn out (also a little surprised to find the furniture had been removed from the ceiling sometime while he had been away). It had been a very long day and he still hurt in some areas from his transformation. James, Sirius, and Peter were goofing off in the common room when Remus went through. Sirius and Peter hesitated when they saw him but he gave them a shrug and shook his head, to indicate he'd rather they just stay with James. he climbed up the staircases and went to take a long, hot shower. It felt very good and he stood in the shower for longer than normal, eyes closed, feeling the water streaming down his tired body. He felt more like an old man than a twelve-year-old, at the end of a weary life instead of just beginning.
He finally turned the water off, slowly drying off, then going into the dorm room. Spinnet and Struthers were there, both of them eyeing Remus as he climbed into his bed and shut the curtain. Within a minute one of them knocked at his bedpost. Remus pushed open his curtains, expecting Struthers, then flinching back when he realized it was Spinnet.
"Hey," Spinnet said.
"I—I won't be loud," he promised, expecting to be told to leave. "I just don't f-feel like b-b-being in the—the c—common room."
Struthers snorted while Spinnet looked vaguely embarrassed, rubbing the back of his head. "Er, it... it's not that. I just..." He looked over at Struthers who nodded. "I wanted to know if you wanted to play exploding snaps with us?"
Remus was startled by this. "Why?" he asked before he could stop himself. "Wh—why would you want me?"
A flash of anger went across his face which made Remus regret talking period. Then it diminished. "I know I was a bit of a jerk last year." Understatement, Remus thought, remaining silent. "Well, it's just—you know, it seems like there's something going on between you and... the others... so if you wanted to hang out with us that'd be... all right."
Ah. Remus saw Struthers looking a little eager, feeling bad that he flat out didn't want to. David Struthers was very nice. Morrander Spinnet... not so much. He didn't think he could easily shake off all the horrible things Spinnet had said to him, about him. He would never forget that one night when he had had a particularly horrifying nightmare and Spinnet's response was to try to use the full body bind on him. Remembering this sent a wave of anger through his body and he met Spinnet's eyes sternly.
"No. Th-thank you." He yanked his curtains close, laying back onto his bed.
The bed curtains were all spelled (except for Sirius's) and for most people it was difficult to hear past the absorption spells, so when Spinnet talked to Struthers it was with the assumption Remus couldn't hear him. "Stuck up little tosser."
Remus considered doing nothing but his body seemed to move on its own accord. He pulled the curtains back open, kneeling on the end of his bed to glare at a startled Spinnet. "And that is precisely why I don't want to hang out with you!" he snapped then pulled the curtains shut once more.
"Wh-wha—did—how could he hear me?!" Spinnet stammered out, causing Remus to grin. "Lupin! Oi, Lupin!" Remus remained silent, pretending as if he couldn't hear him until the curtains opened.
"Do you mind?" Remus asked in a clipped tone.
"How did you hear me?" Spinnet demanded.
"My curtains were not shut all the way," he lied. "Leave me alone." He pulled them back shut, enjoying hearing Spinnet spluttering and complaining to Struthers, enjoying even more when he heard Struthers say that Spinnet deserved it.
"He is stuck up!" Spinnet argued. "And a tosser, they all are! Think they're so special, swanning around the school like they own it! Thought Lupin would be a little knocked down now that Potter's dropped him, but apparently he still thinks he's high and mighty! He's a lunatic. Loopy, indeed."
"Please stop," Struthers said softly. "He isn't that bad. He's very nice. Nicer than Black and Potter."
"Hmph. Crazier than them too, which is saying something."
"Andy. Just drop it, all right?"
"Fine."
Remus tried to study more but wound up drifting into sleep, waking up with a jerk when the other Marauders banged into the room. They were very noisy, James turning on the radio immediately. Remus sat back up, pulling his book onto his lap, only looking up when Sirius and Peter checked up on him. When Peter did he could see James beyond him who quickly turned his head when he saw Remus. Remus promised his friends he was fine, didn't feel like getting out of bed, thank you.
Finally when the dorm quieted he pulled Gwyllgi out from under his pillow and curled up with him, clinging to him tightly.
/\/\/\/\/\
Tuesday morning Remus just sat with Lily, Colgate, and Inkwood so Sirius and Peter wouldn't have to decide who sat with whom. While they weren't talking about boys or makeup this time, they were discussing Quidditch which was equally as boring to Remus. He sat with them in Herbology too, while Eloise Nettle nabbed the fourth seat at the Marauders' table.
"Just talk to him," Colgate said as they left Herbology, covered in dirt as usual.
"I will... e—eventually..." Remus watched the back of James's head as the other Marauders dashed towards the castle. At least next was a free period before lunch so they were all able to go get showers. Remus hoped to be able to speak to James at some point during the end of the morning however the other boy very intensely avoided him.
He sat with the girls at lunch again, feeling sicker and sicker. Lily was very quiet for the most part, though at one point she said how much of a jerk James was being. Remus murmured that it was all his own fault, which Lily didn't believe.
After lunch came Defense. Professor Prewett gave a lecture then paired everyone off for dueling. Remus wound up with Nettle, unsure whether it would have been better or worse to be with James. After class Prewett asked Remus to stay behind meaning he was unable to try to talk to James, knowing his friend(?) would be long gone by the time he got out. Prewett wanted to know how the full moon went, more curious than disgusted, then he gave Remus a new list of essays to write.
"Please take your time with these," he said as Remus took the sheet of parchment.
Sure enough when he left James was gone with Peter, Sirius staying behind to spend some time with Remus who wondered if they did wand-cauldron-book to decide which would stay behind. Sirius cracked jokes as they walked through the halls, trying his best to cheer Remus up. Remus appreciated it but barely managed a smile, finally telling him to just go find James.
"I should work on homework anyway," he said, patting his satchel.
"I'll go with you," Sirius said, trailing behind him as he went to the library.
"You d-don't need to."
Sirius nudged him. "I know I don't need to, but I want to."
Remus figured Sirius would just goof off so he was quite surprised when he actually settled down, working on some of their assignments—though occasionally whispering a joke or pun. This time Remus did manage actual smiles, very grateful for his friend.
/\/\/\/\/\
Occlumency went poorly. Remus was in too much of a distressed state to fight against Fawley. He didn't ask her for any advice this time, suspecting it'd be much the same as when he and Lily fought. Fawley did tell him how sorry she was this was happening, agreeing with him (and Peter) that it was probably because of the connection to his grandfather dying over the summer.
Remus left Occlumency a bit early, head pounding. James would be at Quidditch practice still and Remus considered going to show his support then changed his mind, not wanting to make James angrier. So he went back to his dorm to curl up in bed with a cool, damp cloth against his forehead, and Gwyllgi against his chest.
Eventually the door opened and his friends came in. They seemed unaware he was there, although Sirius did check under Remus's bed... just not in it. After Sirius stated Remus wasn't back yet, the others began talking; Remus sorta hoped maybe James would say something that could unlock the best way to apologize but they just talked about the practice, and how awesome James had been. Soon Struthers and Spinnet came in as well, then finally there was a tentative knock at his bedpost. Remus sat up, pushing the curtains back.
"Oh!" Sirius smiled. "You are here."
"Yeah, been here s-since getting back from the—the hospital wing," he said quietly. When he mentioned the hospital wing he saw James's body twitch slightly then James resumed changing into his pajamas, back to Remus.
"You didn't say anything," Sirius said.
Remus pointedly looked at James then back at Sirius who began frowning now. "I just w-want to rest," he said, withdrawing a little. "G'nite."
"Um, all right. Uhh... g—good night."
The curtains shut and one by one the other boys went to sleep except for James and Sirius, who—by the sound of things—stayed up in James's bed. They thought, of course, Remus couldn't hear them.
"You need to talk to him," Sirius said darkly.
"I can't," James replied, more distraught than Remus expected.
"I don't think he's mad at you, I think he's just hurt," Sirius continued, echoing exactly what he had said about James to Remus the day before. Remus stirred a little, confused. How could James think Remus was angry?! He'd been trying to apologize since he came back from the full moon! He thought back to what he had said, wondering if his tone hadn't been right. Had he done something wrong? Said it the wrong way? Maybe he just thought he had apologized properly when it reality he completely failed, as always, at being a normal human.
"I don't wanna talk about it," James grumbled. "If all you came over here for is to lecture me then go away. I get enough of that from McGonsie."
"I'll go to bed then."
"Oh, so that is the only reason you came over?"
"Jimmy, I don't like seeing you two at odds. You're both my friend. Now, I'm not going to take sides. Neither is Petey. We're both here for both of you. Just... try to at least listen to him, all right?"
"Go away."
Remus heard Sirius return to his bed, and James making grumbling sort of noises until they both faded into sleep. Remus just lay awake for ages, frustrated at James, frustrated at himself.
/\/\/\/\/\
At least Sirius's intrusion hadn't made James too angry as they went down to breakfast together the next morning. Wednesdays they didn't have class until eleven, so they were able to stay in bed pretty late. Remus opted to just stay in bed after getting dressed for the day, to work on homework while eating some of the snacks he had hidden in his desk. Peter stayed with him, reading a magazine, making light banter while Remus essentially rewrote an essay he had written for Dedenne the previous year. He had more knowledge about the matter now and was able to fill it up even more. Prewett had asked for fourteen inches and Remus quickly achieved that, adding even more. Prewett didn't specify a limit so...
James and Sirius came back into the dorm, laughing loudly at how much trouble they had gotten into for going down to breakfast in their pajamas.
"We don't have class for ages so I don't know what the big deal is," James said with a shrug.
Sirius snickered. "I agree, Professor McGonsie was just fussing over nothing at all." He tossed his hair back as he marched to his dresser to get out a uniform. "Remus, are there any rules about not going to breakfast in your pajamas?"
Remus chewed at the end of his quill, going over the school rules in his head. "I don't think there's anything specifically about not attending meals in your pajamas however there is a rule about being adequately dressed at all times outside the dorms."
"I'm adequately dressed!" Sirius protested, spinning around in his silky black pajamas. "You can't see anything!"
"I'm wearing what I'd wear to work out in," James said, indicating his sweatpants and t-shirt. "I'd go to Quidditch practice in this if it wasn't when we had to wear our uniforms."
Remus bit his bottom lip. "I—I think perhaps it's the slippers."
James looked down at his bunny slippers and then grinned for about half a second before realizing he was interacting with Remus. The smile immediately disappeared and he went over to get out a clean uniform, shoulders stiff. Remus ducked his head, clenching his teeth a little. It seemed for a blissful instant that things could go back to how they were but nope.
Sirius hesitated as he held his uniform. "I'm going to go get changed," he said then shot Peter a look. "You should too."
"I wi—" Peter started then stopped, realizing what Sirius meant, what he was conveying with his intense eyes. "Oh! Yeah, yeah. Okay!" He shut his magazine, scrambling to get a uniform too. The only Marauder that fully changed in front of other people was James, so it wasn't unusual for the two of them to go to the bathroom. Just very obvious what they were trying to achieve.
Remus stared helplessly as they headed to the door and James turned. "Sirius—" he said but the two disappeared through the door, shutting it behind them. James just stood there frozen for a second then he began pulling out his clothes.
Remus wanted to just run, or hide under his bed, but... well, he might as well try again, though was very annoyed with Sirius and Peter for essentially forcing him into this at this point. Then again, if they hadn't he'd probably have just kept putting it off. He was too afraid of constant rejection, of James just pushing him away. He didn't want to believe that this was what changed everything, but he supposed anything could be the reason for friends breaking apart...
I don't want to lose him though, he thought as he took in a deep breath. I can't. Not yet. Please. "J... James?" Remus hoped that finally the other boy would listen to him, accept at least a little communication. James's body stiffened but he continued to get dressed. Remus waited until he at least had his boxers and trousers on, not wanting to try this while he was essentially naked. Once he began buttoning up his shirt Remus tried again. "Can we please talk?"
"No."
Remus drew in a sharp breath, trying to tamp down his irritation. "I am very sorry. For everything I said." James finished buttoning his shirt and began putting his belt on. "James..." James was breathing a little raggedly and Remus figured he was holding in his temper. "I'm sorry," he said again, standing up. "I shouldn't have been so harsh—"
Then he stopped realizing the strange sound wasn't him holding his temper in, but holding tears back. He was still fumbling with his belt, cheeks glistening slightly. He swore softly then yanked the belt out of the loops, throwing it across the room. He just stood there for a few seconds, arms tight to his side, then began tucking the shirt into his pants. His breath was coming out in soft gasps now.
"J... James..."
James's stony armor finally broke, and in a manner that took Remus completely by surprise because James's words seemed completely out of no where although later Remus realized it was all connected in James's head.
"He's dead." James let out a sob, swaying slightly before falling down onto his knees, covering his face. "He's dead—and all I c-c-could do w—was stand th-there like a-a-a lump." Remus had no idea what to do as James cried. James never cried. Peter had cried a few times though not much, mostly over small things, quick tears from being bullied. Remus knew Sirius had cried in private a few times and even then Remus was unsure how much. But James had never once cried as far as Remus knew in over a year of knowing him.
"James..." Remus went over, kneeling down next to him.
"He wanted to hold my hand." His voice was muffled from his hands, difficult to understand from the crying. "Me and Dad both. I didn't. I—I couldn't, I was too scared. He w-w-was dying and I c-couldn't even..." He pressed his hands harder into his eyes, hunching over. "He d—died not—not having—his l-l-last wish..."
Remus put his arms around James, holding him tightly, not knowing what else to do, what to even say. He was surprised this was coming out now, after a few weeks of school, but he supposed it had just been building up inside of him. Maybe James had just bottled it up, trying to ignore it. Remus recalled the letter James had sent, about the nightmares he had of his grandfather pulling him into the coffin to be buried with him. Was this why?
"It's okay," Remus said, forehead against James's shoulder.
"I couldn't. I couldn't. He was dying and—and I couldn't even..."
"I—I'm sure he understood." Remus felt awful for not knowing what else to say. He hoped he was saying the right thing. He wanted to point out that it wasn't quite right for someone to expect a twelve year old to be able to do something like that, however he knew that would be the wrong thing.
James twisted, gripping Remus's vest. "I thought things had—gotten better for you. You were so good at first, but then—then you looked so bad—I just—I w-was so scared you—I—you looked... looked..."
Remus knew what he looked like, and couldn't begin to imagine what him saying about how it didn't matter if he looked ready to drop dead did to James if that's what was going on through his head at the time.
"And—and Sirius said—"
Remus froze, waiting for James to continue.
"I didn't want to lose you," James whispered, not at all continuing with whatever Sirius had said. "I thought—I was so scared you were..."
"I am so sorry for what I said," Remus whispered, rubbing his back, resisting the urge to be selfish and demand to know what Sirius said!?
"You—you shouldn't be, I was—I shouldn't have done all that, I just... kept seeing him dying... then kept seeing you dying... you looked like you might..." His fingers scrabbled against Remus's vest, nails catching in the wool. "I thought you—I thought..."
"I'm not," Remus said, going back to holding him. James gave him a long look, clearly not believing him. "I promise I'm not."
"Y... you're not?" he whispered and Remus shook his head. "I... I thought... I really thought..." He sniffled loudly. "After—he was sick for so long... and after he—he died... then you looked—and I g-got to thinking that that's maybe why you—you don't like talking about what you have, because... because... you were... d-dying too..."
Remus shook his head. "It's not. I promise. I'm not dying." It's what Sirius had thought... Is that what James meant by 'Sirius said'? Had they discussed it? It made sense...
They held onto each other for what felt like an eternity, James's tears slowly fading until he pulled away, sitting back on his heels as he wiped his face off. "I'm sorry, Remy. I'm sorry."
"I know," Remus replied, hands falling into his lap. "I'm sorry too."
James gave a slight laugh. "I'm surprised you even want to talk to me."
"You're my friend. Always." The words came out and Remus immediately regretted them, because one day there would have to be an end, a cut off, a goodbye-forever-no-more-friends.
James lurched forward, hugging Remus again. "I got your uniform snotty."
"I can change again."
James chuckled at that, pulling away once more, wiping his face a little more. "Don't tell the others, please."
"I won't."
"I..." He trailed off, averting his gaze. "I loved him. I did. He—he was a—I loved him."
"I know," Remus said, feeling stupid for his short responses, wishing he was better at doing this.
"I couldn't..." He sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I couldn't."
"It's okay. It's... a lot... to ask of... someone," Remus said slowly, carefully.
Thankfully he began nodding. "Dad wasn't upset with me about it, he said—he said the same thing you did, that Granddad would've understood." He began wringing his hands a bit, forehead wrinkled. "I just can't stop thinking about it, him—asking me—wanting—and I just stood there. I-I tried to move but I was so... scared... some Gryffindor I am..."
"You were still there with him," Remus pointed out. "That's got to take a lot of courage in itself."
James just shrugged, fingers twisting together. "My n-nightmares, they—they're cause of that. I l-lied in my letter when—when I said I d-didn't know why I was r-reaching in but—" James rubbed his eyes again, looking distantly at the wall. "I'm sorry I lied in my letter—"
"No! No, James, it's fine, you—it's fine."
James pulled his feet out from under him so he could fully sit on the ground. "He couldn't hardly breathe and—and looked... looked... a lot... like..." He stopped again, trailing into silence.
"Like I did?" Remus asked hesitantly.
"Yeah. All pale and—and so thin and—like you did, only a bit worse, I guess. You looked so bad Friday, it just—it scared me so much I just—got so scared you were... you might be... and then you denied being ill but you obviously were and I got so..."
Remus reached over, taking one of James's hand without thinking about it. "I am very grateful for how much you care about me, James. I truly am. I'm lucky to have friends like you. Please don't ever think that—that I don't feel that way."
James squeezed Remus's hand back. "You really do forgive me though?"
"Of course I do."
James gave him a strange look. "And... and you... do want to be friends?"
Remus frowned, wondering where that was coming from. "Of course I do."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
They sat like that, holding hands for a few seconds, then James pulled Remus in for another hug, this one very tight, very clingy. "Thank you."
Remus hugged tightly back, glad he had managed to navigate through this without angering James, without fumbling over his words. Glad that they had made up. He wished James didn't feel so down about what had happened though he understood perfectly well—probably more than James would ever realize, he understood how easy it was to hate ones self over mistakes and regrets. He wished, though, he could explain to James how he knew he wasn't dying but he could never do that. He could only hope that James would believe him.
They let go of one another, getting to their feet, Remus going to get a clean shirt and vest. "Sirius'n'Pete will be pleased," James said as he fetched his belt from where he tossed it.
"Not as much as I am," Remus said and James smiled at him.
"I don't want to go to Charms now. I don't know how you do it."
"Do what?"
"Do anything after crying," James said then grimaced. "Aw, crap, I didn't mean..."
Remus shrugged. "I tend to cry a lot, I'm aware of that. It's... hard. I usually feel so hollow after, I'd rather just... just..."
"Hide under your bed?" James asked and Remus nodded. "I get that. I want to go somewhere alone. But... class..."
"You can skip," Remus said. "I take plenty of notes."
James paused in the middle of tying his tie. "Remus Lupin, encouraging me to skive off?" Remus stuck his tongue out. "Tempting."
"You've... gone through a lot just now. I'm sure if you talk to Professor McGonagall and explain..."
"N—no." James paled slightly. "No, I'd rather just go to class. I really don't want anyone else to know." He finished his tie then yanked his vest on over, adjusting his tie again once everything was in place. "N... not even Sirius. Do I look like I've been crying?"
Remus studied James's face closely. "A little. If you wash your face off I think you'll be good." He was a little jealous over the fact it was hard to tell that James had cried so much. "I'm going to go change—"
"You can change in here, I won't look."
Remus felt himself heating up, clutching his clothes to his chest. "Um, th—that's okay."
He was worried James would get aggravated over this however he just said, "Suit yourself." Then he paused and laughed. "Uniform yourself?" Remus laughed too then headed out, or started to. James took a few quick steps, taking hold on Remus's arm. "Thank you."
Remus smiled broadly. "I'm just glad we're—we're friends."
James looked like Remus had just blessed him with a cauldron full of diamonds. "Me too."
James's eyes shone a bit then he let go of Remus who left, expecting to run into Sirius and Peter however instead of trying to listen in, they had actually given the two boys absolute privacy and were still in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, kicking at each other in some sort of game. They jumped up with Remus came in, both of them giving him questioning looks. Remus dropped his gaze, still smiling. "We're okay now."
"Yes!" Sirius pumped his fist while Pete cheered.