Chapter 23 – Therapizing for Beginners

Annie sat in Duncan's office staring down at her feet. She had never talked to a professional about things before and it felt extra weird that it was her drunken Anthropology professor who was going to be doing this.

"So, Annie. Tell me a bit about what's been going on. Why are you here today?"

She continued to look at her feet, unsure of how to begin. She opened her mouth, as if to say something but the words just wouldn't come out. Noticing her struggling, he decided to change his line of questioning.

"Let's start with something a bit easier. Do you have any siblings?" Annie looked up at him and gave him a shy smile.

"Umm…yeah. I have a younger brother. Anthony", she said quietly.

"Okay, so Anthony. How old is he?"

"He's 19 now."

"Did you two get along growing up?" Annie's heart sank.

"I always thought we did. Looking back on it though, I always so busy and focused on myself that I don't think I ever gave him a chance." With this, Duncan began writing on his notepad.

"By the time I was in kindergarten, my parents were so focused on my future and making sure I was the best at everything that I don't remember many times that the two of us just played together." As she spoke, Annie felt hurt and confused. Why did she not remember just playing with her own sibling?

"What do you remember about growing up with him?"

"Honestly, the thing I remember most is the look on his face when I was packing up my car to move out. His face in the window as I pulled away from the house is seared in my brain."

"Why do you think that is?"

"He just looked so angry. I thought for the longest time that he had picked my mom's side about me going to rehab and that he hated me. It wasn't until recently that he reminded me that he was only 13 when all of this happened. He didn't choose sides. He was just angry that another part of his family was leaving him."

Duncan put his notepad down and repositioned himself in his chair. "How did you feel when he told you that?"

"I felt horrible. I felt selfish."

"Why selfish?"

"Because I hadn't even considered his feelings. He was still a kid."

"Yes, but you needed to become a better version of yourself. People don't just go to rehab for the fun of it. You obviously had something going on in your life that you felt was out of your control and as someone who lived such a structured and goal-driven life, that must have been terrifying."

Annie finally regained her confidence and was sitting up and making eye contact with Duncan. She was pleasantly surprised by how well the session was going and how professional he was being. "It was! I felt like everything I had worked so hard for was slipping away. At that point, I had lost my scholarship and the one thing I had been told my entire life, which was that getting into a good college will impact the rest of my life, was just gone. I did all of this work only to fail at the last minute."

"But you didn't fail, did you?" Annie gave him a confused look. "In the grand scheme of things, you didn't fail. You saw a problem in your lifestyle and faced it head on. There aren't many people who can say they've done that. Anyone can be a perfectionist. There are plenty of smart and talented people out there who can get good grades, go to the best schools and be slightly above average for the rest of their lives. You've been given a gift. You've had to struggle. You've had to accept that everything isn't always going to be easy and that you're going to have to make difficult choices. You got better, accepted your fate at a less than desirable school and made the best of it. You're twenty-three years old and already have more life experience than most people will ever have and that makes you a better, more appreciative human being."

Tears started to well in Annie's eyes. No one had ever explained it to her like that. Sure, the people in N.A. were always supportive, but that was a complete restructuring of her perspective.

"No one has ever said that before."

"It's true, Annie. Everyone has their demons. None of your friends are perfect but that doesn't make you think any less of them, does it?"

"Of course not."

"And you're in a relationship with a…complicated man. When you first met him, he was at his lowest as well. Look at him now. Did you ever think he would be the type of person to be on the 'Save Greendale Committee', have a teaching job, and a live-in girlfriend?" Annie smiled through her sniffles. "So, you said earlier that you thought Anthony chose your mom's side about rehab. Tell me a little more about that."

Annie sighed. She hated thinking about her mom and the day that everything fell apart between them, but she knew this is what she needed in order to move on with her life.

"My mom. She…she didn't agree with my decision to go to rehab. She felt like it would destroy my future and that I should just ignore my addiction. She felt I was overreacting."

"Hindsight is 20/20. Do you think you overreacted?"

"Absolutely not. I couldn't function without Adderall yet I couldn't function with it either. I couldn't stop on my own and I didn't have any support at home."

"So why won't you forgive yourself for choosing your own life over your mother?"

Annie was stunned. "Forgive myself?"

"Yes. You haven't forgiven yourself for leaving a toxic situation in order to get help."

"I just…I don't think that I haven't forgiven myself. Or need to be forgiven for that matter."

"Have you talked to your mother?"

"No." She answered quickly and angrily.

"Why?"

"Because she disowned me!" Annie yelled, tears streaming down her face. Duncan smiled.

"Precisely. You don't need her to validate you. You did this all on your own, without her. Forgive yourself."

"I can't."

"You can, and you should." Annie let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Duncan." He gave her a sympathetic smirk and stood up.

"Same time next week?"