Paranoia, in which I think
I'm not that confident.
A tiny hope that burns
Into my breath, a bitter
Smile delights me in the end.

But I don't look back.
While I'm waiting to die,
I don't look back in a weird
Lullaby, I'll carry on and
The hope in my heart is dry.

But I don't look back and
I can't reply, I don't look back.
While I'm waiting to lie,
I'll carry on while they
Want to decide for me.

Once again, once again,
Living in their cage,
Living in their cage,
They're killing me.

A week passed much the same way as the first day downtown. Every morning, there were people outside, anxious to ask us questions or to inquire about all kinds of advice. It prevented the real patients from getting the help they required. Eventually, I had to put my foot down. While Hawkeye was at work, I was clearing bodies out of the property and telling them to leave if they did not have a medical problem. I also put up a sign that stated that this was private property and to leave us alone.

The law was on our side this time. The county sheriff cleared the roads for us, citing a danger. Finally, we had some peace. But it also meant silence was on our side. It was now a waiting game. We had Trapper and Greg to rely on.

One night, I received a call from Lorraine. I was genuinely surprised. She was not a telephone person and was always a letter writer. Her missives came regularly and I almost could not keep up with them. She was worse after I came home.

We chatted about the small things. She told me about Molly, Andrew and Janie and how much they have grown up. It had been a few years since I had last seen them and I could not believe what I had missed. Janie and Molly were going to be graduating from high school soon and Andrew was already in first grade.

When she was finished, Lorraine asked how things were on my end. I did not tell her about Hawkeye, Cochran or any other madness because I never wanted her to worry. I told her all of the good things. She begged for details about all of them. Lorraine adored Shannon's mischievousness, Annabeth's shyness, Danielle's dreaminess and Patrick's seriousness. She thought they were the best qualities out of us all and should be recounted when possible.

Lorraine didn't need to know about the past week except that I was a nurse again. She was thrilled about the news actually. She knew that I was going to take the exam and work with Hawkeye. Hearing the news, she sounded as proud as any parent. She did homeschool when I was too sick to go myself and would have vouched for my work.

I talked for a little while before I came up with nothing more to say. I was going to excuse myself and hang up, but Lorraine had other ideas. She mentioned something about Henry. I didn't want to pay attention to it. Knowing that it had been six years a little over a week ago still bothered me. I allowed her words to run in one ear and out through the other until I heard something of interest.

"You know, people at the country club are getting nervous," Lorraine said. "They were sad when Henry died. Now, they feel like they are being targeted."

"How so?" I felt the blood drain from my face. "Did someone get in trouble with the law?"

"I guess so," Lorraine admitted. "A lot of men in suits keep coming to town. They are asking a lot of questions and write down our answers. Then, they drive away and another man takes his place with more questions."

"Are they from the Army? CIA? FBI?" I tried keeping my voice steady. "Did they say where they were from?"

"CIA," Lorraine confirmed. "They said we should watch our backs and to mind who is a Communist."

Shit.

"Did they ask you anything?" I tried to be casual about it, but I knew that I was going to break apart in panic soon. "Do they suspect anything of you?"

"Actually, yes," Lorraine replied, scared. "Mainly, it was about Henry. They were more curious about his time in Korea. Something about treating enemy soldiers before our own. I know nothing about that. Henry did not tell me much. You did."

"I wrote to you about surgery. You said you wanted all of the gory details."

"I did and I regret it now. But you told me nothing about helping out the enemy. Did you?"

The question hung between us. I was not going to tell Lorraine anything. I never knew if my telephone was tapped and someone was listening. My silence gave her an answer though. She sighed loudly.

"I see," she said. "Well, I hope this blows over."

"Me too," I fervently prayed. Most of all, I wished with all of my heart that Trapper made it in time. "Did they interrogate you about anything? Other than Henry, I mean?"

"Me? Not particularly. They asked about the country club and who I knew was a Communist. Honestly, I don't know and I don't care. They are good people."

"I am sure they are, Lorraine. But we all know the rules."

Lorraine uttered some dangerous words. I hoped mine had deflected any suspicion. I did not wish for her to be in any trouble. All the while, I was praying to a God I did not believe in. Trapper had to get there in time and destroy all traces of our good work. Lorraine obviously did not know anything yet or was not telling me anything. Either Trapper had not reached out to her or he was hiding out. This was not good news either way.

"Of course," Lorraine replied.

Luckily, Lorraine was called by Molly. Apparently, Andrew was annoying her. Lorraine sighed and excused herself. She put Janie on for a few minutes and I chatted with her about her plans for the future. Then, when Molly was done with her brother, I talked with her and then little Andrew. Lorraine only returned when all was well and to say goodbye.

"I love you," she told me. "You know that, right, Jeanie? I still love you. I helped to raise you."

"I know," I told her. "I love you too."

Hanging up with her had been hard. I did not realize how much I missed her and her advice. She was a mother to me. More than ever before, I wanted to confess everything to Lorraine, from sending Trapper her way and trying to save her too. I stood there for some minutes, thinking. Dad might have been right. We were landing ourselves in some trouble. He was not going to be able to save us.

Hawkeye approached me. "Is our knight over there?"

"Not that Lorraine told me," I informed him. I tried to be positive. "She told me that the CIA is in town though."

"I thought the sheriff was not due back for a while," Hawkeye mentioned.

"Yeah, I thought so too. Let's hope Trapper got there in time."

"I have a report from the west. Our cowboy was last seen near Camp Grant. Don't you worry, my little missus. He will rescue our gallant commander."

"You mean, Trapper will save his honor."

"Of course." Hawkeye pulled me closer. He kissed me. "I'd like to take yours though."

That was something I looked forward to, but we had to put the children in bed first. I had to remind Love this. He pouted and began to gather everyone for a cleaning and changing. Oh, Hawkeye was always so disappointed when we couldn't get time together. It was difficult when two out of four of the children do not nap anymore. I honestly missed the quiet of the afternoon.

After the children were in bed, we listened to the noises they made in their beds and counted the moments when we would be alone without an audience listening in. Annabeth and Shannon always whispered to each other until one or both of them fell asleep. Danielle and Patrick were recently put in separate beds (and being trained out of their diapers), but I could still hear their nonsensical words. We could not do anything yet.

We decided to wait and have a few drinks in the living room. I sewed some of Hawkeye's work clothes back together and he was reading a medical journal and telling me about some of the articles. When the telephone rang closer to ten at night, Hawkeye dropped the volume and ran for it. He was elated to hear it was actually Trapper. I was too and drew closer. I wanted to listen to the conversation.

"I was easy as slicing into a pie," Trapper recounted excitedly.

"What is?" Hawkeye inquired.

"Getting into Camp Grant," Trapper said triumphally. "Ned got me in, right as rain. The Army couldn't tell the difference. Nobody probed about our papers."

"And?" Hawkeye held his breath.

"He said some mumble-jumbo about seeing the 4077th records. I don't know what he meant by it. But he made me out to be some important officer."

"And?"

"Henry will be in the clear. I moved some of those patient records to the back pile. They won't suspect a thing."

"Are you sure?"

"Ned went over it with a fine-tooth comb. He said nobody will know about Henry. Actually, we managed to do a makeover for everyone, even Colonel Potter there."

Hawkeye threw the telephone in the air and whooped. I jumped up and grabbed the piece before it hit something hard and made a loud noise. I said hi to Trapper and asked for more details. I was sure he had a juicy story to tell me.

"Well, it was nothing, Jeanie," Trapper said. "I went right in, no problem. I don't think I had pants on."

"What?" I was aghast and started giggling. "Really?"

"Ned covered me with a blanket at the legs. He said he didn't like the hairy ones. I was drunk."

"So? Did you have trouble with identification?"

"There wasn't a single incident. They thought I was some colonel. I smoked my pipe and didn't talk. Ned did that for me."

"Weren't you cold?"

"Naw, Jeanie. It was nothing. The booze makes everything warm."

Despite the fact that Trapper talked about being drunk like it was nothing, I was happy beyond words. I almost yelled in excitement, just like Hawkeye. I kept my mouth shut though. All of the children were finally asleep. I didn't want to wake up them.

Hawkeye took the telephone from me. "So, nobody will put a bag over our heads? Take us away?"

"No," Trapper confirmed. "Right now, I am celebrating in the company of the wonderful Succotash Queen herself, Mrs. Henry Blake. She is ever-so grateful we rescued her from the CIA. Let's hope this is the last of it."

"You did make it!" Hawkeye laughed.

It was wonderful! Hawkeye did not wait for Trapper's response. He hung up and grabbed me to dance in circles. Henry and Lorraine were saved…and Trapper did us proud. Drunk and all, he and his friend made it to Camp Grant. They swapped out some numbers and changed the history of the 4077th forever. It might mean we are missing a few men and that the enemy was treated last, but that did not matter. We knew the truth.

Dad woke up to our nonsense. I was sure that he thought we were drunk and getting ready to run naked on the beach again. He rushed down to the living room, where he saw the two of us jumping around in circles like maniacs. He took a deep breath.

"Good news?" he asked casually, like this night was normal.

Hawkeye had to stop the momentum. He was still holding me when he answered. "Trapper made it! He changed the records. Henry is safe!"

Dad shook his head. "Hawkeye, you always have it in you somehow to get things to work out."

"It was Jeanie too," he reminded Dad.

Dad shook his head playfully, smiling. "Now, are you two ready to go to bed?"

It reminded us of the chore we had to finish up. We both assented and turned off the lights. We followed Dad upstairs and closed the door to the bedroom. When he was settled in his room, we had our clothes off and were in bed before long. I decided to leave the lights off. Nobody had to know if we were quiet enough.

"Where were we?" Hawkeye asked me as he pinned me down to the bed.

I reached up and nibbled on his earlobe. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

~00~

The next morning was chilly enough, with ice pelting on the windows. Hawkeye decided to drive Shannon into school. He had work later in the day. He planned to come back, have more coffee and head slowly into Portland. He was going to work out the final details of the clinic here in town. Then, he planned on talking with a real estate agent and promised me that he was going to bring me on a trip of a lifetime.

After Hawkeye and Shannon left, it was an unusually quiet day. Annabeth was scribbling in another blank book Shannon gave her. Danielle and Patrick were content in their playpen with the blocks. Dad was reading the morning paper and recounting some of the news to me. It was quite depressing, to be honest. All The Crabapple Cove Courier talked about, other than the local news (and that Eddie almost burned his business down again), was what was going on in Vietnam.

"Vietnam is becoming a hot spot," he recounted. The sections flapped loudly. "Someone named Ho Chi Minh has been leading the march. He won some battle a few years ago."

"Isn't that right?" I did not want to pay attention to some new war. I was cleaning the windows. "What about the French? Do they like him?"

"Not particularly," Dad replied. "They claim he went to China to train and returned a demon."

Dad went on about this Ho Chi Minh. I did not care. He seemed to be another Syngman Rhee to me. Minh appeared to be intelligent, brutal and strategic, like his South Korean counterpart. He also leaned towards Communism. This will make him an enemy of this country automatically.

I recalled that my father often spoke of the ruthlessness of the Vietnamese in his letters. He did not tell me of the politics and the people who ran behind the curtain. Now, I was beginning to form a picture of what was going on. I noted to myself to maybe write and ask him later. It would not hurt to learn a little more.

Soon, there was a knock on the door. I sighed. I was not expecting anyone for another hour. I hoped that Hawkeye did not send some eager sales person over, to beg me to look over pictures of land without him. I wiped my hands clean and rushed to answer. Dad beat me to it and pulled the knob.

It was Cochran.

I stood next to Dad, unable to say anything. We were both shocked into silence by this menacing sight. Cochran could not be welcomed inside. Most certainly, there was something chilling about him. It was not just the viciousness of his grin or the way his wavy hair stood out in all directions. It was his stance, of complete and utter supremacy and victory.

Dad pushed me behind me. "Jeanie, leave. Take the children to the beach. I will take care of this."

"No need, Doctor Pierce," Cochran commented. "Mrs. Pierce can stay right where she is." When Dad resisted and tried pushing me out of the way, Cochran pulled out a gun. "You both will do as I say. Now. Let me in. I am supposed to be your guest."

Still, Dad did not move. He was as terrified as I was. I wanted nothing more than to protect my children and to run away and he knew this. I tried inching aside slowly, like I was allowing Cochran in. Dad leaned against me, like he was being my shield, and tried his best to keep Cochran occupied. Then, he tapped the back of my leg with his foot. That was the signal.

I made a run for it. Quickly, I grabbed Patrick and Danielle from the playpen and screamed at Annabeth to get out. At the same time, Dad punched Cochran in the face and yelled at us to go. I was about to make it to the kitchen when I heard the shot. The familiar sound of a bullet hitting skin and bone was almost like a heartbeat. It was close to my chest and present to keep the blood flowing.

Another shot got me to duck. I tripped over something on the floor and rolled with the twins into the kitchen. Annabeth was in front of me and managed to become part of the avalanche forward. After we skid and came to a halt on the other side of the room together, another bullet flew over our heads and shattered a window. Glass was littered before us.

The twins were screaming in my ear. Annabeth was whimpering. And there, above my head, was the victor. He cocked his gun, ready for another shot. His other hand grabbed my arm and pulled me up brutally. Cochran tossed me and the babies across towards the dining room. He did the same thing to Annabeth.

We recovered in the dining room together, but the children were no better as they crowded around me and held on tightly. They were covered in shards of glass and lines of blood. Worse was Dad. Cochran had taken the first hit at him and it broke some skin on his left arm. Blood covered his shirt and dribbled down his pants.

"Oh, my God," I whispered.

Dad saw me. "Jeanie, no. It's ok."

"Right. It is ok. Isn't it?" Cochran reentered, snide. "It's damned ok to see a former war nurse murder her children and her father-in-law and then herself."

"You're mad," I declared stupidly. "You fucking monster, you are mad."

"Not as mad as preventing the worst team to join us," Cochran told me. "Who is going to believe that former military medical personnel are fit to be amongst us? Once they know you're as insane as your husband, no veterans will work here again."

"Is that it?" I challenged him. "We're out to get you, right?"

Cochran aimed his gun at my head. "Just my position. It had been in decline since the war. That damned war! Pierce took the house down by going over to Korea. Everyone was anxious to have him return. Then, he had to live through it. And he brought home a pretty wife and a household of brats." He spat. "He had been out to get me since medical school. No more! No more, I tell you!"

The gun was shot. I pushed everyone down and covered them with my body. The bullet hit the glass in a picture frame and exploded. Enraged that he missed, Cochran reloaded and began to randomly shoot across the living room and dining room. Each time he aimed at us, I managed to deflect.

All the while, I didn't know what to do except rely on what I used to survive in the Army. With Cochran so preoccupied and sometime attentive to us, I had the chance to get the children out within a few precious seconds. I counted the time Cochran took to restock and to shoot. When I had the break, I used all of my strength to drag all three into the kitchen. When Annabeth regained her footing, she rushed out the back door in front of me.

"Run to Mrs. Pettigrew!" I screamed at her. I was right behind her, holding the twins to my chest. "Don't stop! Don't look back!"

Annabeth did not ignore me. Her little legs carried her out into the sand and kicked up her trail. As the cold ice hit us, something else caught my attention behind me. I did not stop for it. Instead, I followed my little girl the several yards to Mrs. Pettigrew's home.

MPs were on the other side, near the bushes. They saw us coming towards them and drew their guns. Then, someone yelled at them to hold fire. The older man that saved us faced me and waved at me to keep going. It was Greg!

I ran right into him and cried. "Oh, my God, Greg! Oh, my God!"

"It's ok now, Jeanie," he replied, trying to keep his balance. "You're all safe now. You're all safe. Shh."

I could not stop trembling and crying in his arms, despite Danielle and Patrick doing the same. But he held me, comforting me. He made sure Annabeth did not leave my sight. When we began to calm down, he called for some refreshments and blankets. When he wrapped all of us, he walked all of us inside, where Mrs. Pettigrew was waiting. She was baying orders like a head nurse, demanding calm inside and guns outside.

"You keep that weapon away from the children!" she screeched at one MP. "That's right! They don't need to see it."

Mrs. Pettigrew saw Greg half-carry all of us inside. There was no love in her eyes for my CIA friend. She pointed to her large dining room. Then, she snapped that he wait outside with the rest of the men.

"I remember the likes of you," she said snidely. "Sneaky and underhanded. You can leave us."

"I'll remember to send flowers you every year," Greg replied when he saw us settled. He went over to Mrs. Pettigrew and kissed her cheek. "Lock the doors. I'll be back."

Mrs. Pettigrew went to swing a parasol in his direction and missed. Greg was quick and out the door before she said another word. She huffed and puffed some smoke, but did nothing more except what Greg told her to do. Afterward, she walked into her kitchen and returned with a tray, filled with china cups and a pot full of hot tea. While she poured for me, she barked at Larry to take the children to a guest room to be cleaned and rested.

Annabeth held onto me. "I don't want to leave Mommy."

"You will be safe," Mrs. Pettigrew told her. "I promise."

The words were not reassuring, but Annabeth obeyed her. Larry was also enticing. He promised all sorts of fun. He was skilled in cleaning up small wounds too and told my little girl that he will be gentle. Somewhat calmed, Annabeth followed him and took Danielle and Patrick with her. She held their hands tightly.

Mrs. Pettigrew pulled out a medical kit from under her table and began to clean me up too. I had not realized how much glass had cut into me. My hair shook out the pieces onto the carpeted floor. Piles formed at my feet, littering the cuts made by the encounter with Cochran and the run through the beach. The flat shoes I used around the house had been destroyed.

Oddly enough, Mrs. Pettigrew did not mind this. She continued to mend me, cleaning cuts and wrapping bandages. Then, she asked if I could stand up, so she could continue. Shaking, I put my cup down and did what she requested. More glass and some sand fell.

My neighbor was satisfactory in her efforts. She eyed me. "How do you feel, Jeanie?"

I could not help it. I cried, collapsing right into her arms.

Following lyrics are from the Lacuna Coil song "When a Dead Man Walks".