Two weeks had passed since Natalie first arrived at Sirius' apartment. The first few days were rough; the only time she managed to get any sleep was when she laid on the hard kitchen floor, she still flinched anytime Sirius tried to hug or touch her, and she'd started having nightmares. She was recovering physically, her cuts were turning to scabs and scars and her bruises had faded almost completely. Her leg was much better and she could walk on it almost normally, still with a bit of a limp but hardly noticeable anymore. She was getting headaches less often and her hands were regaining some strength.
Mentally, however, she was exhausted. The nights that she could fall asleep, when Sirius held her for hours upon hours on the kitchen floor, she had horribly realistic nightmares. Natalie would wake up in a cold sweat most nights and Sirius said there had been a few times when she would scream for several minutes until she woke. He said he'd cast a Muffliato Charm when that happened so that the muggle neighbors didn't start asking questions.
With how dead tired she was, it was a miracle she was able to stay awake at all during the day. Dark circles ringed her eyes to the point that she constantly looked like she may have recently been in a fist fight. She had taken up drinking coffee during the day, and lots of it, in efforts to stay awake until she literally could not keep her eyes open any longer. The times when she would pass out from crippling fatigue were when she got the most rest, her mind finally allowing her precious hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Sirius had been incredible, something Natalie was not taking for granted. From helping her get around the apartment the first few days when her body was still recuperating, to sleeping on the kitchen floor with her on countless nights, to trying to keep her calm after waking up frantic after nightmares, he had been the one constant thing in her life since escaping Malfoy Manor. She wondered vaguely one night if she were becoming codependent on him, after waking from a particularly fitful sleep and not seeing him in the bedroom right away. She panicked, thinking irrationally that something had happened to him, that he'd gotten annoyed with her and left, until he came through the bedroom door a few seconds later. She clung to him tightly, afraid to let him go.
She dreamed of the basement room, of Gideon Rowe and the way he tortured her, of all the different ways he hurt her. Though, in her nightmares she never got away. She never outsmarted him or overpowered him or escaped. In her nightmares he succeeded in making her swallow the Veritaserum, was able to see all her memories and thoughts through Legilimency, finally got her to talk and spill all she knew about the Order. It was horrific having to relive her trauma almost every night, but it was even worse when she watched herself give up and give in.
Natalie was slowly getting better - she thought it was important that she kept reminding herself of that fact, but she was frustrated at just how slowly. At times, she thought she felt trapped in her own body, as the skin and muscles that housed her drew back from Sirius' touch but her mind screamed that she wanted it, craved it. She wanted so badly to hug him, kiss him, let him comfort her every second of the day. The only time her body allowed it to happen was when she was highly agitated, like after her nightmares and when she couldn't sleep.
Sirius was helping her without complaint, cooking and cleaning up the apartment and giving her space even though she knew it was killing him not to be able to act like a real boyfriend to her. Her friends were helpful, as well. They had all come over to visit several times over the past two weeks. Each time they would sit and talk to her but she noticed they all waited for her to lead the conversation, all of them obviously not sure what topics were right or wrong to approach.
She wished so badly she could just snap out of whatever the hell was holding her back from just going back to normal. Natalie didn't understand why she was always so nervous, why she wouldn't let anyone touch her, why her mind kept pushing her into hazy daydreams in the middle of conversations with no warning. She was frustrated and annoyed and angry at herself. Her life felt like it was completely out of her control, almost like she was watching from one side of a window, where her screaming fell on deaf ears and she couldn't get through to the girl who looked like her on the other side.
That day, Natalie and Sirius had walked the few minutes from his apartment out to an open, grassy area where people could stroll along the river that ran through the town. It was a rather dreary day, the temperature was cool despite summer having just started. It would rain soon, Natalie could smell it in the air. With the sky the dark gray color that it was off in the distance she guessed it would be a particularly nasty storm. She walked along the edge of the river, her hands stuffed deep into the pockets of the light jacket she wore. There were a few more pounds on her body now, thanks to Sirius constantly cooking for her and insisting she eat until she couldn't possibly fit anything else into her stomach, but she was still severely underweight which made her much colder than a normal person.
She felt hands on her shoulders and started, turning around to see who had grabbed her. Sirius was beside her, dropping his hands back to his sides. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," he said as Natalie saw a hurt expression flit over his face briefly. She could have hit herself for flinching away from him. "You were about to walk right into the river, didn't you hear me talking to you?"
Natalie looked in front of her, seeing the toes of her ratty canvas shoes dipping beneath the surface of the water. She backed up. "No," she answered. "Sorry. Lost in my own head, that's all."
Sirius nodded. Spacing out has become commonplace for her recently, he wasn't surprised by it anymore. "It'll get easier as time goes on, I'm sure. Staying alert," he clarified.
Natalie came up to a wooden bench and sat, keeping her hands bunched up in her pockets. She never knew what to do with her hands anymore. "I hate this," she said quietly. She had been forcing herself more and more to open herself up and let Sirius in, to share with him her more personal thoughts and fears and concerns. He appreciated it, she could tell, and it made her feel better in a way, too. Less weighed down by all her anxieties, perhaps.
He sat next to her, plenty of space separating their bodies. "It won't be like this forever," he assured her. Sirius had more confidence in the matter than she could muster. "You'll get back into the swing of things eventually."
The river in front of them moved steadily, lapping up to the edge of pounded-smooth stones that separated water from grass. The sound was soothing, she thought, like white noise. "What if I don't?" she asked, staring straight ahead.
"You will," Sirius answered automatically, not giving it a second thought.
"How do you know that?" Natalie turned towards him. Her hands were in her lap now, fingers tangled together. "What if I'm like this forever? Nervous and scared and hardly able to sleep or eat or - or sit next to you on a fucking bench like a normal girlfriend?"
He looked at her like she was ridiculous. "No one expects you to get over everything this quickly, Nat. Stop worrying so much, we'll get there."
She shook her head, her previous melancholy state overtaken by strong emotion. "You don't deserve this. It's too much, having to take care of me like you are. You should dump me off somewhere and go be with someone better. I wouldn't blame you. There's bound to be a girl out there that can make her own porridge and actually prefers a mattress over tiled floor."
Sirius watched her with vague amusement. The curled tips of his hair blew around in the breeze. "I appreciate your concern, but I'll decide what I deserve if that's alright with you."
Natalie said nothing in return, not finding humor in the situation. Of course she didn't want Sirius to leave her and go find someone else. A voice deep in the recesses of her mind was screaming at her for even saying those words out loud, for thinking them at all. But she couldn't help but feel so very guilty every time he did something for her that she should easily be able to do for herself. She was holding him back, she was sure of it. What had he sacrificed by staying in that apartment with her for two weeks straight? Time with their friends, for one, and working for the Order. He had been the one so impassioned about fighting this war, had always been the one so excited at the prospect of action and confrontation. And here she was, taking that brilliant soldier and practically turning him into a housewife.
"Hey," Sirius said, pulling her attention back to him. He tipped his head down to try and catch her eye, looking very sincere indeed. "I'm not going anywhere, understand? I'm with you all the way, no matter what happens...or where you decide to sleep. Besides, mattresses are overrated."
Cold water dropped on her hand and made Natalie tear her gaze away from Sirius, looking up towards the sky. The dark clouds had been moving swiftly as they sat and talked, now directly overhead. There was a loud clap of thunder, accompanied by a bright bolt of lightning a few seconds later, illuminating their surroundings. The two of them got up from the bench and made their way back towards the apartment, walking quickly without starting to run. They were only a few shops away from the bakery when the clouds seemed to open up and release a downpour of rain, the force of the shower causing a fine mist to hover just above the street and walkways.
Sirius and Natalie were soaked when they made it into the narrow hallway and climbed the steep staircase that led to the apartment. He took a few steps forward, reaching for the wand that sat securely in the pocket of his dark jeans. "I think I remember how to do this…"
"Sirius." Natalie's voice was quiet and Sirius hadn't noticed she was still standing by the front door, preoccupied with waving his wand, attempting to cast a charm to dry his clothes. Something had clicked with her during their rush to get home from the river.
There was a comfort zone that she'd been living in since escaping the Death Eaters, a sort of invisible set of boundaries her subconscious must have set for her, to protect her. It kept her locked inside herself, past experiences setting the stage and making it so she felt afraid of the world around her. Perhaps if she had been a more weak-minded person she wouldn't have had a problem being so reserved. But if there was a small part of her that felt secure in her new state of mind, there was a much larger part that wanted to fight back, to kick herself out of that blasted comfort zone and back into reality. She just needed a little assistance, someone to reassure her and keep her courageous.
"Yeah?" he asked, distractedly. His shirt was steaming slightly, his wand blowing hot air into his face as he pointed it at himself.
She was pushing herself, perhaps a little too far just a little too soon, but pushing nonetheless. Her mind was whirring though she tried to silence it, tried not to overthink this. "I need your help."
"I know, I'm almost finished. You know, we really need to get you another wand soon."
His obliviousness wasn't helping her at all and she wished he would just turn around. When had she become so bashful? "No," she forced herself to keep talking. There were only a few steps separating them and Natalie crossed them softly. "Not with that."
He turned around and stopped, dropping the hand that held his wand to his side. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
Natalie swallowed. Her pulse was growing strong and she took deep breaths to try and calm herself. Was she really nervous to reach out to him? She felt stupid. Her brain compelled her arm to move. Move. Move. And she did, feeling like she was watching someone else's hand stretch out and touch Sirius' chest, right over his heart.
Sirius looked down at her hand. His clothes were dry but his hair was still damp, only catching a few jets of warm air from his wand. Little stray pieces clung to his cheeks and forehead. He'd trimmed his beard down a bit recently but didn't shave it off completely; she could see tiny little droplets clinging to the rough stubble that covered his jaw. "Natalie," he said, saying her name like a warning.
"Please," she nearly whispered. "I need this. I need you." Both hands were touching him now, pale and thin. Her body was instinctively trying to pull away from him but her mind wouldn't allow it, causing her arms to shake slightly.
She wanted to be close to him, to hold him and be held like they used to. It didn't matter how her body felt about it, her mind was stronger and she wanted it, everyone and everything else be damned. If anything was going to help Natalie conquer herself it would be this, it would be him.
He was watching her intently, his gaze unwavering, taking in her every movement. Slowly, he brought his hands up to her arms, feeling her shake where he placed his fingers just above her elbows. His eyes were darker than before but she knew he was holding himself back, afraid to scare or hurt her. "Are you sure?"
She nodded her head lightly, without hesitation, not letting herself think too hard. Sirius didn't move for a long moment and Natalie swore she could see the thoughts running through his mind, warring with each other.
"You'll tell me if it's too much? If you change your mind?" His voice was low as he spoke, worry mingling with what she thought was desire.
Natalie nodded again. He accepted her silent assurance without any more questions. She felt his hands, strong and somewhat calloused, move from her arms. They made their way up towards her shoulders, leaving tingling skin in their wake. He was taking the lead and she was incredibly thankful. She wanted this, though she wasn't sure that she would have been able to take much more of the initiative after presenting the idea. That was still a bit too enormous a task to take on.
Sirius held her head in his hands, his thumbs tracing the line of her jaw with whisper soft touches. There was only a small space between them as he dipped his head down towards her's, closing the gap completely when their lips touched. Natalie hadn't been kissed in what felt like forever. She almost forgot what it felt like, how soft his lips were and how his hair tickled her face. He tilted his head as she parted her lips, their kisses becoming deeper and more desperate as the seconds ticked forward. Her hands were on his chest still but his shirt was clutched between her fingers now. All she could hear was her blood rushing in her ears as Sirius' heated kisses stirred something inside her.
She felt him move against her, pushing her lightly so that she shuffled backwards. He didn't separate from her even as his hands moved to her waist, holding her against him tightly. Natalie's arms circled around his neck, letting him lead her out of the main room and back into his bedroom. The bedroom was dark as was the world outside. She was barely aware of the storm and the rain hammering against the windows of the tiny apartment.
The backs of her knees hit the mattress and she lowered herself onto it, falling back against plush pillows as Sirius climbed onto the bed with her. He was laying on her, not letting his full weight crush her as their kissing continued. Natalie thought maybe she'd feel intimidated with him on top of her, but that wasn't the case. She felt secure and protected with him holding her, keeping her warm with his body heat and his careful touches. He had one hand on the back of her neck, his elbow keeping him propped up as his other hand moved across her skin, sending shivers down her spine. He followed the slight arc of her collar bone with the tips of his fingers, pressed his palm against the small of her back, tangled his hands into her long hair. He moved away from her and bent his head lower, lips leaving soft, damp kisses along her neck and shoulders.
Sirius pulled back after a moment, sitting up on his knees so he could tug his shirt off, throwing it behind him and not caring where it landed. He watched Natalie's every movement, eyes full of longing, as she lifted her hands to touch his bare skin. She let her fingers glide across his stomach and chest, feeling the hard muscles and seeing goosebumps raise up on his arms. Her hands moved lower and she grazed one finger along the skin just above the hem of his jeans, listening intently as she heard him inhale sharper than he normally would. Natalie's thin fingers fumbled with the button on his pants, still trembling a bit. Sirius shook the jeans off when she finally got them unfastened, leaving him in just a pair of red boxer-briefs.
Taking her hand, Sirius pulled her forward to sit so he could peel her wet shirt off her body. A small part of her wanted to cover herself, to cross her arms across her chest and shy away from him. She wouldn't do it, wouldn't let herself succumb to her insecurities and fears. Pushing the thoughts away, she reached down and unbuttoned her jeans, leaning back once more and lifting her hips to let Sirius take them off. Her body was suddenly cold from where the dampened clothes clung to her and she couldn't help but shudder. Sirius noticed immediately and reached for the thick patterned quilt that hung off the side of the bed, pulling it over both of them as he laid next to her. They embraced again, only for a moment, before he rolled over so that she was looking down at him, her hair falling forward in a curtain around their faces.
There was no need for her to prop herself up, she was so thin now that there was no way she could crush him just by resting herself on top of him. Natalie leaned down and kissed him, her legs moving to straddle either side of his hips. Her hands held his face, feeling the scratchy stubble under her palms. She felt his hands on her back, felt him easily unhook her bra and slide the straps over her shoulders. He rested his hands over her ribs and let his thumb graze the side of her breast, forcing a small gasp out of her throat. She could feel him smile.
Sirius flipped her over again, gently laying her down under him with an arm across her back, holding her naked chest against his. He leaned over and kissed her neck again, then her chest, her stomach. Each kiss he trailed across her body sent a jolt through every part of her, making her heart beat loud and fast. His hands were on her hips, fingers dragging her underwear down over the curve of her backside. Natalie heard rustling as he flung his boxers onto the floor and watched as he moved towards her.
He wrapped the big blanket around them both as he settled, looking down at her and brushing stray pieces of hair away from her face. "I love you," he breathed.
Natalie's heart flipped in her chest. Surely there weren't enough words in the english language to describe how much she loved him? She could try, could attempt to say something meaningful or profound...but decided it wasn't necessary. What they were doing, the trust they had in each other to open themselves up so completely and let their walls down, was more than enough to show each other how intensely they adored each other. So, she whispered back, simply, "I love you, too."
And they lost themselves in one another, in the throws of passion and ecstasy, in their love and tenderness. Natalie was so completely concentrated on Sirius and the breathtaking feelings he was giving her that for the first time in the few weeks that she'd been back, her mind was quiet. When they finished, with their bodies sweating and breathing labored, she curled up next to him and fell asleep. She stayed there the whole night, not once getting up to sleep on the kitchen floor or having been jolted awake from a nightmare. Natalie would wake up the next morning feeling happy, still wrapped in Sirius' arms. Maybe, just maybe, things were starting to look up.