Yes, I know the show spells it 'Amok' but it's still Akuma spelled backward with a silent A. And to make sure you never forget it, I'll will continue to write it as 'Amuk.'

PROLOGUE

A RIVAL SQUIRREL? SOUNDS NUTTY!

{Hey... I thought you said no puns...?}

...TO BE CONTINUED…

Miraculous Migraine
Episode 25: A Feast for the Senseless
By: I Write Big

It has been two weeks since Thomas Astruc abandoned the world and the world was having a hard time adjusting. The loss of a god tends to leave a hole that people desperately try to fill with reason. Some turn to self-reflection and loved ones.

Others turn to ancient demonic rituals.

"I have consumed the mysterious red liquid from the black sarcophagus and have obtained the Forbidden Knowledge!" Mr. Kubdel, the curator of the Louvre and former time-traveler, announced to the news cameras. Glowing hieroglyphs sprouted across his body and the man levitated toward the museum's ceiling. His voice thundered with cosmic power. "I now possess the answers to the Universe! The Coca-Cola secret formula! How many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop! The true identity of Hawkmoth!"

The crowd of reporters gasped. They had come to see Mr. Kubdel unveil his newest archaeological discovery but they never expected this.

"Nathalie, what's going on? I can't see," Gabriel's voice asked from the tablet Nathalie held.

"Get in the bunker, sir," she replied.

"Tell us, Mr. Kubdel, tell us," Nadia Chamak begged, pointing her mic at him.

"I have taken Astruc's throne! I am your god now! Kneel! Worship me! Submi—" Mr. Kubdel suddenly began to tremble and shake in the air. His limbs bent the wrong way and his face twisted in indescribable pain. The hieroglyphs shined to blinding levels and from his throat came a horrifying chant.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

Writhing tentacles burst out of the man's chest and swiped at the people!

BLAM!

The Pink Devil shot into the museum with a blue mini-nuclear explosion and pointed her pocket watch at Mr. Kubdel. Immediately the hieroglyphs peeled off of the man's skin and were sucked into the device. Mr. Kubdel's chest sealed, slicing the tentacles in half, and he dropped to the floor, not a trace of unholy magic left.

"Seriously, dad, I love you, but for the love of Big Red X you gotta stop unearthing world-ending crap," she said just before Timetagger tackled her from behind and they both vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

Mr. Kubdel got back on his feet and adjusted his glasses with embarrassment. "It seems I have lost the Forbidden Knowledge. Oh well… Who wants to see some more potentially world-ending artifacts?"

"We do!" everyone excitedly raised their hands.

In the back of the crowd, a trio of investigators had just arrived. "I don't know what everyone is so worked up about," Marinette said. "If they need a god so bad, they should just pray to Adrien and his flawless glory, like me."

"Or Lila, like me," Alya contributed.

"I'm already kind of a god of time. How come I don't have any disciples?" young Alix demanded.

"Ooh, you know who you should worship, Alix?" Alya said. "The unnamed order of Guardians who are involved with the origins of Ladybug and the Miraculous that I've been secretly investigating."

"Cool!" said Alix.

"Not cool!" Marinette screamed as a ball of ice-cold air expanded from her purse that trembled with rising anger. "Alya, you need to stop before you kill us all! I mean, haha, silly Alya, there's nothing to learn. Ladybug exists, she fights villains, who cares about her origins? I don't. Nobody does!"

"I care," Alix said.

"Shut up!"

"Follow me, you need to see this." Alya eagerly led the two through the Louvre. "According to my research, it's entirely possible that superheroes have actually existed throughout human history!"

The rumbling in Marinette's purse got stronger.

"Look, Ladybug existed in Ancient Egypt!" Alya pointed to a papyrus on the wall that depicted a yo-yo spinning, polka-dotted girl. "And Chat Noir in the medieval ages!" She pointed to an oil painting of a black-armored knight slapping a polka-dotted wench's butt. His armor had a familiar pair of cat-ears and a belt-tail. The wench was whipping an even more familiar yo-yo at the knight's codpiece.

"Oh, I'm sure that's just the world's first furry!" Marinette desperately excused.

"And here! Tell me you don't recognize this," Alya challenged. She pointed to an even bigger painting of a woman in flowing robes, conducting an army of glowing white butterflies that chased after panicking people. The woman's mouth hung open in a mad cackle and the words I AM HAWKMOTH blazed over her in a speech bubble. A little blue ball of peacock feathers cheered her on.

"Um… bug… collector…?" Marinette squeaked.

"What about this?" Alya shoved her phone in their faces. On-screen was a greek depiction of Hercules wearing a lion's skin next to a woman with bunny ears. "Lion Miraculous!" Swipe. A Spartan waving a shield with a tortoise-shell theme next to the same woman with bunny ears. "Turtle Miraculous!" Swipe. A Persian assassin with a long foxtail running alongside that same bunny woman. "Fox Miraculous!"

Marinette blinked. "Alix, is that you?"

"What? As if!" Alix scoffed. "I'm a badass time-traveler who's only shtick is that I'm a badass. I wouldn't be caught dead dressed as a bunny. That chick in the floppy ears is probably my great-great-aunt or something."

"And check this out." Alya pointed her phone at a marble statue of a female warrior. "With modern-day technology, we can see how this statue was originally painted." A quick tap and the white marble filled in with red and black polka-dots. On the warrior's banner was the message TIKKI FUCKED UP!

The rumblings of Marinette's purse felt more like the beginnings of an earthquake. She grabbed Alya tightly. "Please, Alya! Stop! Before it's too late!"

"These aren't coincidences," Alya powered on. "All these heroes across time and civilizations share the same strange symbol." She swiped through the artworks again, zooming into spots. Every single one had the same message: TIKKI FUCKED UP!

Marinette's purse rose into the air, radiating murder. The purse's strap snagged around Marinette's throat and carried her up with it like a noose.

"Here's where things get interesting," Alya continued, not noticing her audience's lynching. "All these depictions of Miraculous heroes around the world suddenly stop somewhere around 200 years ago."

"Or maybe more like 186 years ago!" Marinette frantically said between chokes. "Sounds like somebody about that age really fucked up! Way worse than anyone else!"

The rumbling weakened.

"And despite evidence of these heroes existing throughout all of history, humanity somehow, in 200 years, just… forgot they existed," Alya concluded.

The purse dropped out of the air and Tikki poked her bulbous head out. "You idiots forgot about us?!"

Marinette stuffed the kwami back inside before Alix or Alya saw. "Daaa, I mean, um, we forgot? What are we, a bunch of idiots?"

"Hey… I recognize this symbol," Alix said, squinting at Alya's phone. "It's on the Tibetan statue my dad found."

Marinette went pale. "It's what?"

Later:

The trio returned just in time to see Mr. Kubdel pull the cord. The curtain dropped, revealing his latest discovery. Everyone oohed and aahed at the hunk of hardened lava. In its center sat a statue the size of a small dog. It resembled a rounded frog-like creature. On its eyeless face was carved the indecipherable ancient message TIKKI FUCKED UP!

The moment Nathalie saw that message she puked several buckets worth of blood.

"Mr. Kubdel, what can you tell us about this artifact?" Nadia asked.

"Approximately 200-years-old, I discovered it in the heart of a now-dead volcano," Mr. Kubdel informed. "I found it by following a path of destruction leading out of an ancient Binding Circle, meant to imprison demons, that was surrounded by thousands of Tibetan signs that roughly translated to 'Do Not Touch!' and 'This Thing Will Fucking Eat You!' and 'If You're Reading This, Turn Around And Run As Fast As You Can!' and other warnings of that sort."

Everyone in the room slowly backed away from the statue.

"And you still took it?" Nadia asked.

"I'm an archaeologist. I get paid to take crap that doesn't belong to me," Mr. Kubdel replied before swiping somebody's wallet.

In the back of the crowd, Alya was gushing. "200-years-old! The final connection! My theories will be confirmed soon, I can feel it!"

"Alya!" Marinette groveled at her feet and shed tears of sorrow. "I'm begging you! If you're my friend, you can't blog about this stuff! Please!"

The display shocked and moved Alya. She'd messed with Marinette before, but never pushed her this far. It didn't feel right. "Okay, Marinette, I don't get why this has got you so worried, but you have my word, I won't post anything else about my findings."

"Oh thank you, thank—Wait, 'anything ELSE?!'"

"Yeah, I uploaded a feature-length documentary on my research this morning, but I swear I won't post anything else."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Later, at Fu's Massage Parlor:

Fu and Marinette cowered in the corner while Tikki and Wayzz watched Alya's video.

"And this mysterious message keeps popping up," the pre-recorded Alya explained, pointing to the dozens of TIKKI FUCKED UP inscriptions across history. "What it means is still unknown, but to me, it looks like the symbol of an ancient order, like a group of guardians who have been keeping the Miraculous locked away since the beginning of time. That or it's some kind of old-world QR code."

Tikki paused the video and glared with her glassy doll-eyes at Fu. "What did you do?" she seethed.

"Do? Me not know what you mean?" Fu gulped.

Tikki floated closer like a polka-dotted shark. "200 years ago. All of humanity forgetting about the Miraculous. The damn microwave burrito. Whatever the fuck this thing is." Tikki scrubbed to an image of the frog statue. Instantly, Fu screamed.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! WE NEED RUN! RUN NOW!"

The old man bolted for the door, but Tikki grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. "Talk!"

"IS NOT SAFE! WE NEED RUN! IS NOT SAFE!"

"You're not safe with me unless you TALK!" Tikki's tiny voice managed to shake the house.

Fu wet himself and whimpered. "Okay. Me tell. Is long story…" Fu's sights glazed over as he remembered his youth. "Many many years ago, me chosen to be monk in Guardian Temple. Is great honor."

Nearly 200 years ago:

The hundreds of monks prostrated themselves at ten-year-old Fu's feet, while the elder monk begged his parents in their tiny hut. "Please, you must let him come with us. We consulted the prophecy and it is foretold your son will become the greatest Guardian of all time. He is the Chosen One!"

SLAP!:

Fu rubbed the sore cheek Tikki had left red.

"Quit sugarcoating it!" she spat.

Fu grumbled, "Okay..."

Nearly 200 years ago, for real this time:

Fu's parents dropped their ten-year-old son at the temple's door. "We'll give you two cows if you raise him for us," his father said to the monk sweeping the porch of snow.

"Is he smart?" asked the monk.

"No."

"Brave?"

"No."

"Patient?"

"No."

The monk thought it over. "...Throw in a chicken and you got a deal."

Later:

"You live here now," the monk said, pushing young Fu into the janitor's closet. "Keep this place clean and don't go near the Miraculous."

The next several years of Fu's life were spent scrubbing the temple from top to bottom, day after day. Fu didn't complain, he rather enjoyed it. Not once did he climb down from the Temple's mountain and not once did he take any monk lesson seriously. While the others were busy meditating, Fu was more interested in mopping, mopping techniques, and the new mop models on the mop market. He missed all the constant warnings about the great evil that was imprisoned within the Temple walls and because of that, his life as a janitor passed without any incidents.

Until one night...

"Ohhhhh, me mopping, me mopping, me mopping, mop-mop-mop, mop-mop-mop," Fu sang terribly to himself as he finished mopping the final stone corridor. "There, me done. Now time for after-midnight snack and sleep."

("Psst! Fu-Fu!")

The whisper stopped the boy in his tracks. Fu turned in search of the voice but there wasn't a soul in sight. The rest of the monks were asleep.

("Over here!") the whisper continued. Fu found the source this time. The whisper was coming from the nearby sealed door of the Miraculous Holding Chamber.

"Hello?"

("Hi there, Fu-Fu, you missed a spot. The room in here needs a good mopping.")

Fu hesitated. "Um, me not allowed in Miraculous Chamber. Is forbidden."

("You're right, you're right, those are the rules. But you know what's even more forbidden? Being in that hall you're in right now!")

Fu gasped. "Oh no!"

("You bring great shame upon your family. Get in here this instant, mister!")

Not wanting to break the rules, Fu used his janitor's key to unseal the Chamber and scrambled inside. What he found left him gawking. A wide shallow pool decorated to look like the yin-yang symbol glistened in the center. On a pillar that stretched out from the pool sat an oriental box.

("Yoo-hoo, up here!")

Fu craned his head back. Near the ceiling sparkled a pair of cosmic bowling balls of magic, coursing with ancient Symbols of Binding. Inside one ball of magic floated a small brooch that resembled a peacock.

("WEAR ME!") the brooch roared.

"Huh?"

The whisper snickered. ("Oh where are my manners? Please, wear me, Fu-Fu. I can offer you anything your heart desires. Wealth… Power… Respect… Everything you never had…")

"Got food?" Fu asked.

There was a pause. ("Food?")

"Yes. Me hungry."

("Uh, I've got this thing Fluff brought me from the future called a microwave burrito. I think it's food.")

"Deal!"

With the expert precision one can only hone from years of janitorial work, Fu chucked his mop like a boomerang. The cleaning utensil twirled to the ceiling, caught the ball of magic, and brought it back down. Before the whisper could say, ("Wow!"), Fu slapped the brooch on his chest.

("Impressive, very impressive. Now, to get your burrito, say, 'Duusu, spread my feathers,' and reach into your pocket.")

One of the words made Fu stiffen. Duusu. He thought he recognized that one. It had come up several times in the monks' conversations, often with the air of worry and fright, but he couldn't remember the significance. Then his tummy growled and he forgot all his caution.

"Duusu, spread my feathers!" In a burst of blue, Fu was wrapped in a feathery blue robe! Licking his lips, Fu reached into his new pocket and found an icy white cylinder that was as hard as a rock.

("There's your burrito, Fu-Fu, but it's a bit cold right now. We need to heat it up with something called a microwave. I can help you there,") the whisper chuckled. ("Just do everything I say...")

Following the whisper's instructions, Fu plucked a feather from his new peacock fan and filled it with darkness born from his hunger. Into his mop the feather disappeared and from an inky mist came a little blue frog-like creature with the Temple's mysterious symbol scribed across its face.

"Hi there," the creature said, panting like a dog. "My name is Feast and I wuv you." It gave Fu a few affectionate licks with its big tongue.

"D'aww, so cute," Fu said.

("Isn't it? Now, just feed Feast your burrito and it'll take care of the rest.")

Fu placed the burrito on Feast's tongue which it quickly retracted into its mouth. The lovable creature's little body began to glow and hum like a microwave.

"Feast adorable. Me love it forever."

("And Feast will love you forever and ever, so long as you don't drop the mop,") the whisper advised. ("Hey, you know what'll be fun? After you're done eating, I'll introduce you to my pal li'l Noo and you can wear its Miraculous too...")

Suddenly, one of the stones underneath Fu's feet turned black and crumbled to dust. "What the—?" He lost his balance and the mop tumbled across the room.

("Plagg! You little saboteur! Hahaha! Good one!")

Feast stopped glowing. It smiled at Fu. "Hi there, my name is Feast and I wuv you and I will consume da Temple and all da Miraculous."

Fu went pale. "Fuck!"

In the present:

"Long story short, without mop me can't control Feast. Feast eat temple. Me escape with Miraculous," Fu concluded.

"No! Hell no!" Wayzz joined Tikki in pressing Fu against the wall. "I know what happened next. You don't get to skip the worst part. Spill it!"

200 Years Ago:

The monks completed the exorcism chant and the peacock brooch at last unlatched itself from Fu's chest.

("Oh come on, Fu-Fu, we were just getting to know each other!") the whisper whined before it faded away.

With a flick of the Elder Monk's wrist, the Miraculous was reimprisoned in a ball of magic. The Elder then shoved the enchanted mop into Fu's hands. "Only you can tame the Sentimonster, Fu," he instructed and pointed at the binding circle in which Feast was barely being contained. In the background was the barren land where the Miraculous Temple once stood, the building, all of the Miraculous Boxes, and most of its occupants consumed entirely by Feast. "There are not enough of us left to trap it forever. Remember your training and take control until I can cleanse the Amuk with the Ladybug Miraculous."

Fu had no idea what the old man was talking about. He'd been reading a mop manual during the Control Evil Monsters lesson. Still, he took the mop and shakily stomped through the snow toward the creature while the Elder opened the Miraculous Box and consulted the Miraculous Book, the last that had escaped Feast. The cleaning utensil hung heavily in his hands as he experimentally called out, "Feast! Down! Obey!"

The Sentimonster whimpered like a puppy at his words. It didn't resist as the binding took effect and slowly turned the thing to stone.

"Is working?" Fu let out a short laugh. "Is working! Feast, stay! Don't move!"

Ding!

Feast's mouth popped open and on its tongue steamed a piping-hot yummy burrito.

"Ooh! Gimme-gimme!" Fu said.

Feast obediently shot out its tongue to Fu. The boy, in his stupidity, took the food and dropped the mop.

"NOOO!" the Elder cried.

It was too late.

Feast whipped its massive tongue around, nabbing the rest of the monks and swallowed them whole.

Fu froze mid-bite, the last man on the mountain. "Whoops." He shoved the burrito into his mouth and tried to grab the mop. Feast's tongue got it first. The key to stopping the Sentimonster disappeared with a gulp.

"Dat was yummy!" Feast cheered. "What should I eats now? Ooh! I know!" It's massive tongue whipped up to the sky and reached past the clouds. The tongue came back down with what looked like an amorphous blob of fog that disappeared into Feast's mouth. "Yum! I eats da human race's memory of da Miraculous. I wuv you!"

"Um…" Fu chewed his burrito and did what he did best. He ran. The hop-hop-hop of Feast was close behind. The boy scooped up the Miraculous Box, the cosmic bowling balls, and the Miraculous Book, thinking of a plan as he ran.

"Feast! You know what me hold very dear?" Fu called over his shoulder.

"Oh boy, what is it?" Feast asked.

"These Miraculous!"

Fu hurled the cosmic bowling balls as hard as he could. They and their Miraculous within spun through the air and dropped into a great river of LAVA!

"Yummy! I'mma eats those!" Feast jumped in after them. "I wuv you!"

There was a distant gloop followed closely by a sizzle.

In the present:

"The Sentimonster ate humanity's memories of us?" Tikki asked. "How the fuck?!"

"The Miraculous Temple had a lava moat?" Marinette asked. "Why the fuck?"

"Some people have guard dogs, some have lava moats. Great for roasting marshmallows," Fu shrugged. Then he took Marinette's hand and spoke with great passion. "If Feast breaks out, it come after me, after the Miraculous. Back then, me alone, me scared, but now different. With you, Marinette, with Chat Noir, we defeat Feast, end the monster once and for all. Avenge Guardians. Together!"

Marinette looked Fu straight in the eye and laughed her ass off. "HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! Me? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! Save you? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA! Fuck that! That is not happening, Fu. HAHAHAHAAHA! I have a strict Not-Getting-Eaten-Alive policy and I'm not breaking it for your wrinkly old janitor ass. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! I can't believe you actually believed I gave a fuck about you! HAHAHAHAAH! Good luck sleeping at night knowing there's an unstoppable creature that wants to eat you in the city. See ya! Ha!" Marinette marched out of there and slammed the door behind her. Her mocking laughter carried through the walls.

"Marinette," Fu called, "you have Miraculous. Feast come after you too."

The laughter stopped. The door blasted back open. Marinette grabbed his shoulders and dug her nails in. "You are going to take these Miraculous death-traps and run as far away from here as possible."

Fu gulped. "Me need make more Guardians."

Meanwhile, at the Agreste Mansion:

"Nathalie is perfectly fine," Gabriel said to Adrien as the woman filled another blood bucket. "She's just having a dizzy spell."

"Dizzy spell?" Adrien repeated with dread as Nathalie recited twenty knock-knock jokes in a row.

Gabriel realized what he'd just said and backpedaled hard. "Who said dizzy spell? I didn't say dizzy spell. I said it's that time of the month for her. This is a perfectly normal thing for a perfectly healthy woman."

Nathalie puked into her fourth blood bucket of the day.

"Nature at work," Gabriel nodded through the retching. "It's beautiful."

But his lie failed. Adrien's face flashed with recognition and he sped out of the office.

Gabriel groaned. "He's going to need his comfort blankie. Nathalie, blankie."

Nathalie collapsed from blood loss and Duusu popped out.

"Gabe! Gabe! You're not gonna believe this!" the kwami said. "That new statue in the museum is actually one of my Sentimonsters! I thought I lost it in the lava but it's still alive after all these years! We should totally revive it and have fun, fun, fun! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"And let you tear this city apart?" Gabriel sneered. "Never."

Behind the man's head, Nooroo signaled Duusu with an encouraging wink.

"Uh..." Duusu cleared its throat and tried again. "You're right, Gabe. I wasn't thinking straight. It's too dangerous to awaken that beast."

"Exactly," Gabriel agreed.

"But this is a wonderful opportunity to spice up Nat's dating profile!"

"It is?"

"Yeah! She and I slip into the Louvre, take a few selfies that make Nat look like a kickass art thief and BAM! She'll have dates pouring in by the hundreds."

"Hmm, kickass art thieves are sexy…" Gabriel thought out loud. "And we've nearly drained half of the city's blood bank… Nathalie, what do you think?"

Nathalie did nothing on the floor.

"What's that, Nat?" Duusu flew over to her and listened carefully. Nathalie said nothing. "Oh! You totally agree and think we should do it tonight?"

"She does? Well, as long as Nathalie's on board, then I'm on board." Gabriel strutted off, proud of the plan to hook his assistant up.

"Holy fuck, is this guy dumb," Duusu said.

"I know, right?" Nooroo said.

Meanwhile, in Adrien's room:

Adrien snuggled against his gem-encrusted comfort blankie as he gazed sadly at a photo of his Mother.

"Mmm'kay, I'm going over the world conquest plan, man," Plagg said, reviewing his Master Plan book. "I don't wanna be a dicky dictator so what form of slavery is the least slave-ish?"

"Father says it's part-time minimum-wage jobs," the boy sniveled.

"Sweet! This whole enslave humanity before Duusu thing is going to be a piece of..." Plagg noticed Adrien's distress and put the book aside. "Hey, man, what's up?"

"Nathalie's dizzy spells. Mother had them too."

Plagg's nearly fell out of the air. "She did?"

"It was awful. She'd tell knock-knock jokes every day and laugh like she was possessed."

"Yeah-huh, keep going," Plagg egged him on.

"And she'd tear at the peacock brooch she always wore and cry about being unable to get rid of the dark spirit that was constantly tormenting her."

"Which tells you that both she and Nathalie have the..." Plagg leaned in expectantly. "Pah… Pah… Two words. First letter starts with P. Pah... Pah... Rhymes with Meacock Piraculous."

"It tells me…" Adrien thought long and hard. "It tells me I should fund an awareness campaign for dizzy spells. They're no laughing matter," he concluded and got started.

"Ugh! Why is this harder than getting you laid?!" Plagg shouted.

That night, at the Louvre:

The night guard patrolled the empty museum halls. Like most nights, it was quiet and calm. Nothing of interest.

"Knock knock."

The guard spun around. His flashlight landed on a blue-skinned woman dressed in a haughty, feathery gown. She smiled at him.

"Knock knock," she eagerly repeated.

"Uh, who's there—"

("KARATE CHOP!")

WHACK!

The guard dropped like a sack of potatoes. The woman snickered at her joke and spoke into her peacock fan, "This is Secret Agent Mayura checking in. (Security has been dealt with.) Approaching target."

"Stay in character, Mayura," Hawkmoth replied. "You're an art thief, not a secret agent. Remember to get Nathalie's good side. When the flash is just right, her eyes sparkle as if she was a goddess. And don't' smile too hard. Make it soft and mysterious." His voice drifted off as his imagination took flight. "You don't have to worry about Nathalie's hair... She always keeps it pristine like a diamond… And the way she carries herself… so commanding… and hot..."

Bzzt.

Hawkmoth flipped open his rumbling cane. The pic he'd received showed Mayura giving a big thumbs-up to the camera next to the released and reanimated Feast! Feast was also giving a thumbs-up.

'Whoops, my b. Can u fix this? ;D (D for Duusu! LOL!)' said the text.

"YOU FUCKER!" Hawkmoth quickly filled a butterfly with darkness and sent it off.

Later, at the Louvre:

"Okay, just like we practiced." Mayura winked at Feast before she dropped to the floor and flailed like a damsel in distress. "Oh no! This (horrid monster) is going to eat me! Won't a heroic somebody help?"

"I wuv you!" Feast said.

"I'll save you, Nathalie!" Hawkmoth cried as he sent the Akuma straight into Feast's mouth.

A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on Feast's face and it saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"How do I keep finding myself in these situations?!" Hawkmoth moaned. "Okay, Feast, listen up, you are under my control and you are not eating Nathalie or anyone else for that matter unless they have a Miraculous like Ladybug and Chat Noir. Understand?"

"Yummy!" Feast eagerly panted before it was swallowed by bubbling darkness and became over twenty-times bigger! "I wuv you!" Feast said, then shot its tongue through the butterfly sunglasses. The sticky appendage came out the other side into the hidden tower and grabbed Hawkmoth's face.

"Oh. I have a Miraculous. Right," he managed to say before he was pulled through.

Meanwhile, a few floors above:

Adrien was fast asleep, unable to hear his Father's cry abruptly cut short or Plagg's welding. The kwami put the final touches on his doomsday device and tossed his torch aside. "There we go, the Human-Enslavonator is ready to go. It's only got one shot, but that's all I need. Who knew I'd be a natural at this?"

"Are you sure about this?" Ladydoll beeped, scanning her new appendage. It trembled with unstable power.

Plagg laid under the imposing laser blaster. "Of course I am. Now I'll just zap/impose my will into every human's head and I'll have officially won the bet."

Plagg pulled the lever and waited patiently for the Human-Enslavonator to warm up.

"And once I've won the bet, I'll just return every human's freedom and stuff."

"Unless of course you go mad with power like Duusu."

"Hahah, that'd suck." Plagg blinked at nothing then looked at who had just spoken. It was Wayzz, slowly pulling the Ring of the Black Cat off Adrien's finger.

Plagg vanished from existence and the Human-Enslavonator shot the two crossed pieces of red tape that had been underneath the kwami. Every human on Earth suddenly had their every thought about a Big Red X and how they should worship it. The odd image jolted Adrien awake. He saw a pile of crumpled machinery in the corner that used to be Ladydoll's arm and a note on Plagg's pillow.

Meanwhile, at the Dupain-Cheng Patisserie:

Wayzz arrived just as Fu and Marinette were tying the last of the old man's belongings to a bike.

"What you think Big Red X means?" Fu asked as he anointed the jade dragon in Marinette's hands into a Guardian.

"Don't know, don't care," Marinette replied, chucking the dragon on top of the rest of the Guardians. "Get on and don't stop pedaling until you keel over."

Fu saluted.

Marinette turned to the kwami who had haunted her for the better part of a year.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," Tikki said.

"Y'up," Marinette said with all the spite in the world.

Tikki sighed. "Look, we didn't exactly get along, and I know I've brought you nothing but suffering and constant fear, but there were good moments. Weren't there?"

"No. Goodbye." Marinette plucked off her earrings. Tikki vanished from existence. She tossed the Miraculous over her shoulder to Fu and went inside for the first restful night of sleep she'd had in ages.

Fu and Wayzz watched the bakery door shut and heard the lock click. They were officially on their own again.

"Where to?" Wayzz asked.

"Me never been to Oktoberfest," Fu shrugged.

Boom-boom-boom-boom!

The rhythmic thudding grew closer and closer. Car alarms start going off in the distance. There were shouts and screams.

"Uh oh," Fu gulped. "It's here!"

Fu pedaled as hard as he could, speeding down the street. Seconds later, Feast hopped around the corner and landed with a shaky BOOM! "Yum-yum! I wuv you!" it bellowed.

On its back, riding Feast like a cowgirl, was Mayura! "Yeehaw, (motherfuckers!")

In its mouth, clinging to his majestic cane that was firmly planted in the sentimonster's lips, was Hawkmoth! "Mayura, stop this crazy thing!"

The parade of insanity kept going deeper into the city, the sounds of destruction growing fainter. Marinette watched it all and smiled when she could hear no more cries. She slipped into her bed and fell asleep.

With the chaos:

"Feast!" Hawkmoth roared, kicking away the tongue that kept trying to grab him. "I said, no eating people without a Miraculous. That's Adrien's Chinese tutor, leave him alone!"

"But he has Miraculous," Feast replied.

"Don't be ridiculous! Why would an ancient Chinese man have ancient Chinese artifacts? Only the ancient Chinese Guardians would have them."

Mayura stuck her head into Feast's mouth. "Think about what you just said, Gabe."

Hawkmoth did think. Long and hard.

"Lookie, Feast!" he heard Fu call out as he waved a plunger in the air. "Me have new Guardian for you. Go eat!" Fu chucked the plunger down a side street and pedaled the other way.

"Yummy!" Feast stopped to snack on the Guardian plunger.

Then it clicked.

"Oh my Big Red X..." Hawkmoth whispered. "Adrien's tutor is the Guardian of the Miraculous?!"

("Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner, folks!")

Meanwhile:

Marinette awoke from yet another dream about the Big Red X. Something was bothering her but she didn't know what. There was nothing in her room. No Tikki glaring death at her in her sleep. No sounds of destruction. No Chat Noir vaulting in for what had to be their 30th movie night. She'd actually started to enjoy those movie nights. They were a welcome break from the insanity and Chat Noir was even bearable when he wasn't drooling over—

Marinette stiffened.

"Chat Noir..." she croaked. "Oh no... That dumbass is gonna..."

She scrambled to her TV and flipped it to the news. Just as she predicted, there was a live coverage of the chase. Feast was barreling through the late-night traffic after Fu's bicycle. The monster only stopped to munch on the occasional Guardian Fu tossed behind him. Between them was somebody riding a scooter, somebody dressed in a full-body banana-man suit.

"In a shocking turn of events no one saw coming, the infamous anti-hero The Banana has come out of retirement and appears to be facing this monster," Nadia reported. "Tonight's broadcast is brought to you by the Agreste Dizzy Spell Foundation."

"Don't I look a-peel-ing?" the banana-man said to the camera with ever so familiar smarm.

Marinette spasmed. "CHAT NOIR! YOU IDIOT!" Without a second thought, she grabbed a motorcycle helmet and ran outside.

On the streets:

Adrien scootered through a shortcut and managed to get in front of Fu. He spotted a bus ahead and poured on the gas, reaching the driver's window.

"Citizen, I need your help!" he said.

The bus driver gasped. "The Banana! I haven't seen you since you pulled me out of that fire in grade school."

Adrien stared blankly at the bus driver through his giant googly styrofoam eyes and wondered who exactly this costume he found in the hallway closet belonged to.

"The media may paint you as a villain, The Banana, but I know you're a hero," the bus driver said through proud tears. "What do you need?"

As confused as Adrien was, he did what he knew LB would do and just went with it. He waited until Fu managed to pass the bus and then signaled the driver. With a wrench of the steering wheel, the bus skidded around and blocked all lanes and sidewalks.

"Haha!" Adrien laughed pompously.

"Yummy!" Feast snatched the bus off the road with its tongue and easily swallowed it whole. "I wuv you!"

"FUCK!"

Adrien scootered ahead again and asked for the help of Officer Roger.

"I never liked the way you played with the law, The Banana, you always were a loose cannon," Roger sneered, and then begrudgingly added, "but dammit if you didn't get results. What do you need?"

Like before, the cop car was parked across the lanes and lasted long enough for Feast to consume it in one gulp.

"Okay, maybe doing the exact same plan a third time will work," Adrien desperately reasoned as he scootered for his life. Without a Miraculous, his legs were getting tired.

"The Banana, hop aboard!" instructed Andre "The Ice Cream Man" Glacier, pulling alongside the boy in his mystical ice-cream stand/bicycle. Adrien obliged and hugged the flavor-filled cart. His scooter disappeared down Feast's gullet. "I never thought I'd get the chance to pay you back for how you saved me in Venice," Andre said. "Take the wheel."

Andre whipped out his pair of ice cream scoops and flicked them in a mysterious pattern. "My name is Andre, Andre Glacier, the Sweetheart Matchmaker!" From the cart erupted streams of ice cream. "With one scoop or two, I'll find love for you with magical ice cream flavors!"

The streams of cursed dairy delight covered Feast. Some ice cream went down Hawkmoth's throat. "I'm secretly in love with Nathalie," he droned.

Some went down Mayura's throat. "I'm secretly in love with Gabriel," she droned, then snapped to an unsteady grin. ("I love everybody! But I have a weird way of showing it. HAHAHAHAHA!")

Feast licked all the creamy goodness off and happily said, "Yummy! I wuv you!"

"Oh no, my ice cream has no effect," Andre wailed. "You're on your own, The Banana." He and Adrien bailed just before Feast ate the entire ice cream cart.

"Don't worry, Andre, I got this." He drew from his back a push-broom and twirled it as if it were his battle-staff. "Let's see how much this glutton enjoys a banana split."

"Banana split? Yummy!" Feast panted and shot out its tongue. Like a true hero, Adrien leaped at his foe, broom outstretched like a spear. Time seemed to slow as the boy realized just how much he fucked up.

WHAM!

Something barreled against Adrien, knocking him out of harm's way. When the tumbling stopped, Adrien's collar was grabbed by his rescuer: some girl clad in a full-body leather motorcycle suit and a matching helmet that hid her face entirely.

"YOU IDIOT! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF EATEN?!" she screeched at him.

Adrien squinted at the familiar voice. "Nino?"

WHAM!

Adrien gasped at the even more familiar punch to his face. "M'Lady! You saved me! Ooh la la, I'm loving the new look. Leather looks good on you. Feels good too."

"Focus!" She slapped his yellow hands off her hips. "We have a man-eating monster who is completely unstoppa…" Both glance to the left and saw Feast. The Sentimonster's tongue, which had been meant for Adrien, had missed completely and latched onto a marble fountain. Unlike everything else it had eaten, Feast was struggling to pull the fountain out of its cement foundation. It was stuck.

No one could see it under her helmet, but Marinette was smiling a wicked smile.

"Come on, I have an idea!" She grabbed the boy and they both ran in the direction Fu had pedaled off.

Moments later, the fountain ripped out of the ground and Feast was free.

Later, at the Eiffel Tower:

Fu was desperately replacing a flat tire when the teens arrived.

"Fu," Marinette called.

"AAH! Don't eat me! Me give you Miraculous! Me give you secret identities of—" He stopped cowering and saw who it was. "Ladybug! Chat Noir! You here! Even after me take your Miraculous, you still fight to rescue me?"

"Hell no! I already told you that I'm not risking myself for you, you useless piece of trash!"

"Then… you come to rescue…" Fu's eyes drifted towards Chat Noir.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO I'M HERE FOR!" Marinette screamed over him. "I know how to defeat Feast. We need our Miraculous and we need to work together. The three of us."

Fu's breath hitched. He gazed down at his long-unused jade bracelet.

"Come on, Fu, we can take this guy," Adrien said.

Confidence, long lost and forgotten, welled up inside Fu's old heart. He gave them the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculouses. "Together," he said.

Keeping their backs to each other, the teens transformed into Ladybug and Chat Noir. "Let's go!" Ladybug said, lassoing up the Eiffel Tower with Chat Noir close behind.

"Me be right there," Fu called. "Me need stretch back first." He counted to three and resumed desperately replacing his tire.

On the tower:

The heroes watched as Feast crawled toward them, hungry as ever.

"Hold..." Ladybug said. "Hold..."

Tension rose as the beast got closer.

"Hold..."

It was nearly there.

"Yummy!" Feast said, catching a whiff of their Miraculous. "I wuv you!" Its tongue shot out.

"NOW!"

Ladybug leaped aside, dragging Chat Noir with her, and Feast's tongue latched onto the Eiffel Tower. Like the fountain, it tried to pull its meal in, but the massive monument didn't budge. The girders groaned but didn't move an inch.

"Oopsie," Mayura snickered.

"Phase Two!" Ladybug shouted as she landed on the street and started to lift one of the Eiffel Tower's legs.

"Cataclysm!" Chat Noir slammed his hand on the cement under the tower and the foundation crumbled to dust. With the help of Ladybug's Amazonian strength, the over-1,000-foot-tall hunk of steel tipped over. "Timber!"

"Oh..." Mayura whispered.

"...my..." Hawkmoth whimpered.

"...Yummy!" Feast cheered and opened wide.

Not wide enough.

About a third of the Eiffel Tower went down Feast's throat before it got stuck. The Sentimonster gulped and choked a few times, then fell on its back, tossing Mayura away.

"Woo, talk about a mouthful." Chat Noir grinned through Ladybug's slap. She lassoed up Feast's body and perched on a beam over its mouth.

"Hey!" she called into the murky depths of halitosis. "Can anyone in there hear me?"

After a few seconds, a deep sinister voice responded. "Don't think you've won, Ladybug and Chat Noir! I have not digested my defeat! It's simply honed my appetite all the more! I shall prepare a dish of revenge especially for you and it shall be served very cold."

Ladybug sighed. "Oh my Big Red X, he's worse than you, Chat. Okay, Hawkmoth, if you wanna be a sore loser, then just stay in there."

"NO! NO WAIT! I'll be good! Don't leave me here! It smells like stale bubblegum!"

"Do you see a mop in there with you? An old-timey mop, like, nearly 200-years-old."

"There are mountains of junk in here," Hawkmoth growled back. "How do you expect me to—Oh, here it is. Found it."

Back with Fu:

"Air pressure, bike chain, passport. Time to go." Fu hopped onto his repaired bike and aimed it for the nearest border. Polka-dotted hand shoved into his arms something he hadn't seen in a lifetime. "Me mop?"

Ladybug patted his back. "Y'up. Time to make things right."

He could feel the magic of the Amuk flowing through his fingers. The decades of mistakes could at last be undone. With his head held high, Fu marched toward Feast. "For too long you stalk my nightmares, Feast. No more! This end now! Me no longer fear you!"

Feast's tongue lashed out and nabbed Fu.

"AAAAH! NO! HELP! ME FEAR YOU! ME FEAR YOU!" the man screamed. His descent into the stomach was only stopped by the mop getting caught between the Eiffel Tower's steel.

"Not as badass as I was expecting," Ladybug mumbled.

The mop's wood cracked and out fluttered a feather and a butterfly. Ladybug de-evilized both and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

All the vehicles and people Feast had eaten were returned.

The Eiffel Tower was put back in place.

Feast itself popped like a bubble with a final, "I wuv you!" and never returned.

Back in the hidden tower:

Hawkmoth and Mayura popped back into their lair and, in a burst of blue, the latter transformed into Nathalie. The woman immediately collapsed and grabbed a blood bucket.

"Nathalie, I'm so sorry!" Hawkmoth cradled her gently. "Duusu tricked me again. I swear, I am never listening to that maniac ever again!"

"Sir, it's alright," she coughed and retched. "I'm fine. I can manage. For you, I can manage anything."

Her dedication moved him, but also filled him with dread. Just how close to the edge was he willing to go? Just how far was he willing to push someone he cared for so deep—

Ding!

"Gabe! Gabe! It worked!" Duusu floated over with Nathalie's phone. "Nat's dating profile is blowing up! They love her!"

"They do?!" Hawkmoth dropped Nathalie and grabbed the phone. Indeed, date requests for Nathalie, the drop-dead gorgeous art-thief of the night, were pouring in by the dozens. "Yes! Good news, Nathalie! Operation Find-You-A-Boyfriend is working!"

"Hooray," Nathalie murmured in her blood puddle.

The next day:

The morning news that caught everyone's attention was the sudden appearance of an ancient Tibetan temple on top of a previously empty mountain.

"No one knows where it came from or if it had anything to do with our new lord and savior Big Red X," Nadia Chamak reported. Over her shoulder, the great indecipherable message TIKKI FUCKED UP blazed on the Temple's rooftop. "And that's not even the crazy part. Not only are all the monks of the Temple still in there and think it's the 1830s but everyone on the planet has suddenly remembered that every single one of our heroes of legend actually had a Miraculous. Yeah, all of them. Robin Hood? Miraculous. Mulan? Miraculous. Quetzalcoatl? Do you even have to ask? Kinda destroys the whole 'triumph of the human spirit angle' of their stories, huh?"

The news footage cut to an interview with the Elder Monk of the Temple.

"We are just as confused as you," he said. "But it's all Fu's fault. If anyone sees him, kick his ass for me."

Marinette closed the news app and Fu sighed. "Me guess me can't go back to the Temple. At least my mistake is undone. Marinette, you think your parents kind enough to let kind old man move in—"

"No," she cut in flatly. "You're homeless now."

"Mmm," Fu nodded. "You right. Hawkmoth know me Guardian. Can't stay here. Me guess me live in van." He pressed a button on a key fob and one of the massage parlor walls rolled open, revealing a large shiny van in a garage.

"Wait, you had a van this whole time?" Marinette asked. "And you tried to escape with a bike—You know what, no, I don't care. Fuck you. Good luck on the streets. I hope you get mugged." And she left.

Later, at the Agreste Mansion:

Gabriel bounced on the balls of his feet like a kid in a candy store. "This is it! Yes! This is it! I know Fu is secretly the Guardian of the Miraculous but he has no idea that I'm secretly Hawkmoth. All I have to do is wait for him to come right to me. MuahahahahHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAHAHA—"

Ding-dong!

"I'll get it," Gabriel sang. He opened the door with the widest grin and a sledgehammer behind his back. "Ah, nihao, F—"

On his porch was a squat Chinese man. He looked nearly identical to Fu, only where Fu's thin grey mustache was now grew a thick, curly, and jet-black mustache.

Gabriel blinked at the stranger. "Uh, where is Fu?"

"Fu deported back to China. Me his replacement: Fuu."

"Curses! I was so close!" Gabriel wailed, rattling his sledgehammer at the sky in defiance.

"Okay, me start lessons now," Fuu said and headed for Adrien's room. "By the way, me live-in teacher. Me live here now. Me park van on lawn."

"You may have escaped this time, Fu," Gabriel continued, glaring at the endless cityscape of Paris. "But there was no way you made it out of the city without me knowing. You're still here, somewhere, and I won't rest until I have hunted you down, Fu!"

"You call me?" Fuu asked from upstairs.

"No, not you, the other Fu."

END

Who do you think is The Banana?