In The Cards 29 - Return Of The Braindead

Considering how many monsters me and my friends have killed by now and how good we are at killing in general, it's really strange that we seem unable to permanently rid ourselves of that one annoying zombie. Sometimes it feels as if some cruel deity keeps bringing him back on purpose in order to torment us. Or does that sound too paranoid? Oh no. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"Abduh", Zaerini said in a flat voice. "Oh, this is just great. What is it about that guy anyway? You'd think there'd be a limit on how many times somebody can come back from the dead."

"Yeah", Imoen agreed with a grimace. Then her eyes lit up. "Hey, it's no problem! Adahn can kill him, he's the one that did it before, after all!"

"I did?" the bandit said, sounding a bit surprised. "When would this have been, pray tell?"

"You know. Back in Nashkel. That big, mean bully who wanted to beat me up, but you killed him for me." Imoen's eyes were glowing with admiration. "That was ever so sweet of you…"

Adahn sighed. "Oh, that one", he said. "Yes, I remember. Had I known that anybody would be foolish enough to want to reanimate him I would have made certain to burn the corpse or at least decapitate it. I really don't like leaving a job incomplete."

"I'm not sure that would have helped", Rini said. "Abduh's a bit like one of those villains in a bard's serial horror story. You know, like 'Duke Darkness' or 'The Bloat'. They always get crushed, burnt, drowned or chopped to pieces at the end, but they always come back in the next part to savage a new group of young and scantily clad females who're hiding out in a spooky old house or an abandoned log cabin."

"Ah", the bandit said. "This would be the sort of people who when they learn that they're shut inside the haunted mansion with a rabid killer decide to 'split up so the search will go quicker'? And when they hear suspicious noises in the dark basement, they call out to ask if 'somebody is there'. And let us not forget their equally annoying habit of climbing slippery roofs wearing thin shoes with spiky heels." He sounded rather insulted. "I happen to know about climbing roofs, and even I couldn't pull that off."

"Anyway", Rini said, "since you've apparently killed Abduh before - and I'd love to hear that story later - could you perhaps do it again?"

"I could", Adahn said with a shrug. "But not if he's out in the open, or we'd attract unwanted attention. I'd say our best bet is avoiding him if we can." He made a gesture towards the center of the camp. "The command tent is that way", he said. "You can't miss it, it's the biggest one in the vicinity. Tazok may have left some of his underlings inside, but you should be able to handle them without too many problems."

"What do you mean 'you'?" Edwin asked. "Aren't you coming with us?"

"No. I have made certain other preparations. Think about it. What would be the likely reaction of all these bandits if they hear the sounds of a pitched battle coming from the command tent?"

"T-they'd all f-f-fall upon us", Khalid said, looking rather pale.

"Exactly. But fortunately for you I've made plans for a few diversions." A satisfied smirk spread across the bandit's face. "A little strategically placed chaos here and there and the bandits will be kept quite busy. It's a bit like chess, actually. You need to weaken your opponent's defenses before you can attack his king."

"All right", Rini agreed. "The rest of you come with me, then."

"Not me", Imoen said, shaking her head. "I'm going with Adahn."

"You're most certainly not", the bandit protested. "I work alone."

"Oh, pleeeeease!" Imoen put everything she had into her pleading, and her eyes seemed to double in size like those of a begging puppy. "I'll be good! And I bet there's so much I could learn from you!" She fluttered her eyelashes as she said the last, making Rini wonder just what it was her friend wanted to learn.

"I suggest you let her come", the bard advised. "She'll never stop nagging otherwise." She felt sort of sorry for the bandit, but all the same she felt she had to help her best friend out in her quest for love, even if she did suspect that Imoen was looking in the wrong place.

Adahn looked as if he were about to refuse, but then he apparently decided otherwise. "Very well", he said. "She may come, as long as she behaves herself. The rest of you should head for the command tent."

"How will we know when the time to attack has come?" Jaheira asked.

"Trust me. You'll know." He slipped off into the darkness with Imoen close at his heels.

"D-do you think they'll b-be all right?" Khalid asked. "I'm feeling a l-little worried…"

"Actually", Edwin said, and pulled his black robe closer, "if I were you, I'd start worrying about the bandits instead."

Meanwhile, deeper into the bandit camp, a strange conversation was taking place. The strange thing about it was that only one of the three speakers was sane, only two had functioning tongues and only two were alive.

"Oh, this is so marvelous!" giggled Xzar. The insane wizard had a bright smile on his grotesquely tattooed face, and he cheerfully patted his smaller companion on the head. "Villainy, brigands and vicious roughnecks everywhere! My toes are tingling beautifully at the sight of all this congealed evil. Yes Monty, I do believe we've found our true element at last."

"Urrrrgh", Abduh agreed. At least Montaron thought that the zombie agreed. It was a bit hard to tell since so much of his tongue had rotted off by now, and of course he hadn't been much of a conversationalist to begin with.

"Keep it down, wizard", the halfling snarled, making sure that his sword rested nice and easy in its scabbard. "We don't want to attract unnecessary attention."

"Urrrgh, urrrgh."

"I wasn't talking to you! You're really hopeless, you know. If we're talking congealed, your brain is the first thing that springs to mind. This mess we're in is all your fault."

"Aw, don't be so hard on him, Monty", Xzar admonished the halfling thief. "We were trying to find the bandits after all. He was only trying to help." The wizard scratched the zombie beneath its gray chin. "He's such a good boy, aren't you Abduh?"

"Urrrgh! Urrrgh!"

Montaron rested his head in his hands. It's not fair, he thought. Why me? I could have been teamed up with anybody. "Help", he spat, his voice heavy with sarcasm. "Oh, sure. By rushing up to the first group of Black Talons we came across and demanding to be taken to their leader. Or at least I think that's what he was saying. We're lucky they signed us up to entertain them rather than kill us outright. They'll probably still kill us if they don't like our jokes." A court jester, Montaron thought. I was supposed to become a legend within the Zhentarim. A rogue such as the world had never seen before, a skilled dealer of death. And I'm teamed up with an insane wizard with a rabbit fetish and his pet zombie.

"Don't you worry, Monty", Xzar said, his mouth twisting into a terrible manic smile. "I'm an excellent storyteller." His eyes became a little unfocused. "In the terrible depths of the sea, Great Chptrryzgha lies snoring… His tentacles will rear up and DEVOUR THE WORLD, TEARING OUT THE SOULS OF…"

"URRRGH!"

"No, no, NO! Not that kind of story. I was thinking of jokes."

"Oh. Well, how about the one about the lady hobgoblin and the wandering paladin?"

Montaron looked nervously about him. A group of three large hobgoblins were just passing close by, giving the thief, the wizard and the zombie suspicious and hostile looks. "Perhaps not that one", he said. "Let's move a little further into camp, there are far too many of those things here for my liking." As they walked on Montaron kept complaining, a sour look on his round face. "I really don't know why we have to drag this…this sorry lump around", he grouched, glaring at Abduh. "It's not as if he's anybody important. And he stinks. And his cooking is awful."

"URRRGH!" Montaron suddenly found himself dangling from a large gray fist that gripped his throat tightly. A pair of dim eyes stared into his own, burning with terrible, dull anger.

"Oh look", Xzar said in a reproachful voice. "Now you've gone and hurt his feelings. And he really made an effort with those rabbits yesterday." His eyes rolled back in his head. "The…the RABBITS! They're watching, always watching. Oh, you think they're all cute and innocent, with their fluffy fur and shiny little eyes and pink twitchy noses, but that's what they want you to think. But I know. Oh yes, I know. I've seen their true faces, yes I have." He started twitching violently, attracting amused as well as alarmed glances from the surrounding bandits.

"Xzar…", Montaron choked, "I…* choke* really could use some *choke * help here…"

"Urrrgh, urrrgh, URRRGH!"

"They just sit and watch you, but I know what they really say", Xzar raved. "They have plans, I tell you, yes they have. Ryilläh! Lyohg-slobber! The strange geometry of their pointy ears holds hidden messages, too hideous for mortal minds to comprehend!"

"Yes, but *choke * , I can't *choke * breathe…"

"Urrrgh. *hee, hee, hee *"

"Eldritch shapes, cloaked in fluffy white fur, the Old Ones are always present…it's no coincidence that they breed so quickly, you know!" Xzar suddenly seemed to come back to reality, or at least as much as he ever did. "Abduh? Bad boy! Let him go."

"Urrrgh", the zombie said, looking very sullen. Montaron dropped to the ground, still gasping for air and feeling his abused throat. He thought there were going to be permanent marks left by those thick gray fingers. I don't think it's possible, he thought morosely, that any thief ever suffered as much for his craft as I have.

"Now tell him you like his cooking", Xzar ordered. "You've hurt his feelings, you know."

"Fine", Montaron snarled. "His cooking…is passable." At least it passes my bowels which is all that can be said for it.

"Urrrgh!"

"No! What are you doing now, stupid zombie!" The halfling thief suddenly found himself swung about in the air and then tightly hugged by the pleased zombie.

"Isn't that sweet?" Xzar trilled. "He wants to be your friend again. Abduh, listen to your Master. It's time to kiss and make up."

No, no, no, NO! Montaron's tortured mind was screaming as he saw a pair of fat and slobbering gray lips approach his own. This can't be happening to m…

Smack.

"See?" Xzar said, sounding extremely pleased. "All of us good friends again, forever and ever."

"Urrrgh!"

"Urrrgh…", Montaron groaned, trying his best not to vomit or faint.

Xzar gave his companion a very puzzled look. "You're sounding very peculiar, Monty", he said. Then he giggled. "I hope you're not going crazy on me. I can't abide crazy people, you know that."

There were two cooking fires ahead, each holding a large cauldron filled with steaming soup. Imoen thought it smelled pretty bad herself. Maybe that had something to do with having noticed the state of the hands of the bandits doing the cooking. That was one thing she had learned. A rogue needed to be able to see. Not just see with the eyes, but with the mind. To be able to see what was really there, and what only seemed to be. She was getting better at it, but she knew that she still had a lot to learn.

"These are the two main fires", Adahn murmured quietly. "There are other cooking fires tended by smaller groups of bandits, but these particular cooks supply most of the camp. That makes them our first target." He showed Imoen two small bottles, each filled with a clear liquid. "We want this to go in there", he said, nodding first at the bottles and then at the soup-cauldrons. "Do you want to handle one of them?"

Imoen swallowed hard and stared at the innocent-looking bottles. "Is it…is it poison?" she asked. "Only, I've never poisoned anybody, and I'm not sure I can, even bandits."

"It's not poison", Adahn said in a neutral voice. "At least not exactly. The poisons I do carry are too valuable to be wasted on this sort of large-scale thing."

"So it won't kill anybody?"

"No. Not directly, but it will incapacitate them if it works the way it is supposed to. I won't lie to you to pretty things up though. Incapacitating them means that your friends will kill them more easily than otherwise, should an open battle become necessary. Think you can live with that?"

Imoen thought about this for a moment. It wasn't nice. It wasn't pleasant. But it is the lives of my friends at stake. Of my sister. It needs doing. And if I agree that it needs doing, I have to be prepared to do it myself. "Yes", she said, her young face determined. "Yes, I can."

"As long as you're sure", the bandit said, not unkindly. "Otherwise I can always do it myself. Like I said, I won't push you into anything you're not ready for."

"No. No, I'm sure. I want to help. I need to help. Really, I do."

"Good", Adahn said, a brief flicker of approval crossing his sharp-featured face. "Come then. I will take the left cauldron, you the right. We go in quietly, casually, and remember to move your feet the way I have showed you and you should do all right. Ten drops should do the trick, it's very strong." He seemed to melt into the shadows and disappeared from sight. Imoen knew he was still there, but try as she might, she couldn't spot him. Then she braced herself and slowly headed towards the right cauldron, as discreetly as she possibly could. There was no bandit in the immediate vicinity at the moment. Perfect timing.

Closer. Closer. Imoen knew that she'd gotten better at her sneaking. Quiet as a shadow, she told herself. Innocent. Invisible. Stealth wasn't only about physical skill, it helped to develop a certain mindset, to become one with the darkness. Then she was suddenly at the cauldron, the heavy smell of meat and overly boiled vegetables filling her nostrils. Quickly she started to unplug the bottle, slightly hunched down by the cauldron so as not to attract attention. The stupid plug wouldn't come out though. Oh, nuts, Imoen thought to herself, feeling nervous sweat trickle down her back. This is just plain silly. It has to work. Who ever heard of a poisoner who got stuck opening the bottle? Well, not that I'm actually trying to kill anybody, exactly, but still… Imoen pulled. And pulled. And pulled. And… *Plopp *

Ooops… Imoen thought as the entire contents of the bottle accidentally wound up in the cauldron. I hope it's still going to work…

"Well?" Adahn asked as the two rogues reassembled some distance away from the cauldrons, behind an out-of-the-way tent. "How did it go? You certainly took your time."

"You saw me?" Imoen squeaked, her heart in her mouth.

"Of course I did. But as long as nobody else did, that hardly matters. Did you apply the potion as specified?"

"Oh. Oh, sure. No problem. No problem whatsoever."

"You're quite sure?"

"Oh yes. Yes, yes. I'm getting really good at this sneaking stuff", Imoen rambled on. "I…er…I wanna be just as good as you at it one day. Were you always this good? I bet you were."

The bandit's black eyes narrowed dangerously, and his voice had a sudden edge to it when next he spoke. "Show me the bottle", he said.

"Well, actually, the thing is…"

"Show me the bottle. Now."

Imoen swallowed hard and held the bottle out, blushing rather heavily. Adahn took it and turned it over in his hand, without making any immediate comment. "I see", he said. "A bit of youthful enthusiasm. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised at this."

"It…it was an accident."

"I don't doubt it. And accidents happen to the best of us. However, not telling me about it wasn't an accident, and that could well have cost us precious time. They say there is no honor among thieves, but on a common outing we need to be able to trust each other, at least temporarily. I really cannot spare the time to baby-sit you, you know. If you make a mistake, I need you to tell me."

Imoen felt tears rise in her eyes. She'd messed things up, and all she'd ever wanted was to help. Well, that and to make a favorable impression. Now he'd never think of her as anything but an irresponsible child. "I'm sorry", she said in a small and somewhat trembling voice.

"It cannot be changed now", Adahn said, sounding much kinder at this sign of contrition. "Don't worry any more about it, just don't do it again. We must work with what we have. And speaking of which, we had better hurry up."

"What was in those bottles anyway?" Imoen asked as they headed deeper into the bandit camp.

The older rogue smiled a lupine smile. "That, girl, you will soon find out. I would not want to spoil the surprise. Suffice it to say that anybody who eats that soup is going to be kept quite busy. And now, on to our second stop of this little tour through Tazok's domain."

"This is the hobgoblin part of the camp", Adahn explained a few minutes later. "They generally keep apart from the humans, and while we're tolerated, we won't be exactly welcome. You might want to stick close by me."

"Sure!"

"Er…not quite that close. I still want to be able to move. And breathe. Let us not forget about breathing."

Imoen reluctantly let go of her unwilling victim's waist. "But I thought we could pretend to be a couple of lovers taking a stroll, too busy with each other to know where we were going…"

"No. Definitely not."

"Aw, please? It'll be fun, you'll see…"

"NO!"

Nuts, double-nuts and triple-nuts, Imoen thought. Well, at least I got to snuggle him a little. I just have to be persistent, that's all. "So what's next?" she asked.

"Next we're going to have a word with Ardenor Crush, leader of the Chill. That's him over there. The big hobgoblin by the tent. Just follow my lead." Adahn sauntered over towards the hobgoblin leader, and as he did so he shifted his way of walking, away from his normal smooth and flowing gait and into one that practically screamed arrogance. Oh…oh my! Imoen thought. That's…that's even hotter than usual. Just look at those legs and…and…oh my! Then she suddenly remembered that she was supposed to be following and hurried after the bandit, half running in a way that wasn't particularly assured or graceful. "Pay attention!" Adahn hissed.

"But I was…"

"Well, whatever you were paying attention to it obviously wasn't the right thing. You don't want to step on a hobgoblin's toes by accident." They were almost upon Ardenor Crush by now.

"You! Humans!" the hobgoblin snarled. "Your kind is not welcome here. What do you want in Chill part of camp?"

"Tazok sent me", Adahn said with a cold smirk that made Imoen deeply envious. "He is…curious…as to why you did not see fit to show up for the secret meeting yesterday. Curious, and worried about your loyalties. You are loyal, aren't you?"

"What?!" the hobgoblin roared. "Loyal? The Chill are all loyal to Tazok! What meeting is this? Speak, or I will have your head?"

"You did not know?" Adahn asked, and now he sounded genuinely surprised. "That…is strange. I heard Tazok give the orders. Tenhammer was there as well. I think he was meant to inform you. Well, I must have been mistaken…"

"Ha! No mistake! Talon leader is craven snake, tries to win position from Chill. He lies, he cheats, he speaks ill of me to great Tazok. But he will pay. Oh, he'll pay."

"If you say so. Though I'm sure there must be a logical explanation."

"NO! You go to Tenhammer, tell him I challenge him. If he wants fight, I'll give him fight. One hour from now. I'll feast on his liver, chop his heart up for the crows, suck on his runny eyeballs and…"

"Yes, yes, yes", Adahn hastily interrupted. "We get the picture. We'll just go and tell him that, shall we?" Ardenor Crush growled in reply and started putting on his chainmail.

Taugosz Tenhammer's reaction to the challenge of the Chill leader was entirely predictable. "What?!" he screamed. "That filthy, flea-ridden little… I'll peel his stinking hide off and use it for a doormat!" Imoen listened raptly. She was learning more swearwords than she'd ever known before in her entire life.

"Yes, no doubt", Adahn said. "Best of luck." He motioned for Imoen to follow him and left the still fuming leader of the Black Talons behind. "They'll keep each other busy", he said. "And now for the third and final diversion." He led the way back towards the edge of the camp where there was a cave, sealed with a huge door covered with chains and heavy locks. "Go ahead", he said, pointing at the door. "Let's see how much you've learnt."

"Er…me?" Imoen asked.

"Yes. You wanted to learn, didn't you? We still have some time to spare, and I need to see how much you know before I can teach you anything."

"Oh. All right then." Imoen took out her lockpicks and scrutinized the door. She reached for the first lock.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Adahn asked mildly, an amused glint in his black eyes.

Imoen hesitated. And then she saw the thin indentation next to the lock. "Right", she said. "Arrow trap. Just a sec." Once she had spotted the trap disarming it wasn't too difficult.

"Very good", the older rogue encouraged her. "It seems you aren't entirely uneducable. Let us move on, shall we?"

Imoen did, spotting three other traps. Then she paused. "I…can't see any other", she admitted.

"You're quite sure?"

"Yes."

"Good. There aren't any."

"But I thought…"

Adahn raised an eyebrow. "A good thief needs to know not only when to start looking for traps, but when to finish", he said. "Now let's see how you do with the locks."

Imoen did fairly well, only requiring instruction on the two most difficult locks. Once she was done Adahn motioned for her to stand back. "Be careful", he warned. "You don't want to get trampled."

Imoen looked at the door. She thought she could hear shuffling and snarling noises coming from inside. "Um…what is in there anyway?" she said.

"Just a moment, and you'll see for yourself. Be ready to move quickly. They'll likely be upset after having been shut in so long." Adahn was watching the stars intently, his hand on the door. "Yes", he murmured to himself. "The potion ought to have affected enough people by now, the effect will show at any time. And Crush and Tenhammer ought to be properly on the warpath. Let us hope the others are ready to move." He pulled the heavy door open. The snarls grew louder. And then Imoen could see into the darkness of the cave, and there were eyes inside, maddened, furious glowing eyes, and teeth glittering in open moves. Growls, growls and barks and the penetrating smell of dog.

"Move it!" Adahn ordered, and when Imoen didn't react quickly enough he threw himself at her, landing them both on the ground a safe distance away from the cave entrance, partially covering her body with his own. The gnolls were storming past them into the bandit camp, growling and snapping and baying for blood, charging Chill and Talon alike, but Imoen didn't care. Not in the position she was in. Not in the position he was in, more or less on top of her, and very close.

Who cares about Sarevok's plans? she thought, her mind giddy with delight. I wanna stay right here!

The bandit camp was much larger than Zaerini would have guessed. It was a veritable maze of tents of differing sizes, more or less divided into two groups. The hobgoblins belonging to the bandit group known as 'the Chill' had settled into one half of the camp, the human Black Talons into the other. From what she had been able to gather there was no love lost between the two groups, and only Tazok's iron will and harsh discipline had kept them from each other's throats so far. Tazok's, and possibly Sarevok's. She felt her stomach churn at the thought of possibly encountering her brother here. She didn't feel ready for that yet, much as she wanted to get it over with. She wondered if she'd ever be ready. And all this standing around waiting wasn't doing wonders for her temper either.

Tazok's command tent had been easy enough to find, seeing that it was much larger than any of the others. It was set upon a sort of wooden platform, and several barrels and chests were stacked outside. Loot, most probably, but not valuable enough to be brought inside. About a dozen bandits patrolled outside, keeping a close eye on it. There was one more thing that set this tent apart from the others, one that Rini really wished that Adahn had mentioned. Several skeletons had been fastened to the walls of the tent, human and hobgoblin both, facing outwards so that they greeted anybody who approached with the stare of their empty skulls. A particularly ugly skeleton that looked like it had once belonged to a half-orc hung above the door, snarling with its great tusks at anybody wanting to step through the door.

Well, the half-elf thought, I suppose tastes differ. I wouldn't want them in my house though, if I had one. But I guess Tazok figures it keeps his subordinates on their toes. I hope it was Tazok and not Sarevok. I don't think I'd want to be related to anybody who pins skeletons up above their front door.

It is very strange, Softpaws said, watching the skeletons. Why keep the prey around if you don't want to eat it?

Jaheira were watching the skeletons with disgust. "That is filthy", she declared. "An affront against all decency."

"Keep your voice down", Rini hissed. "Or did you want to alert every bandit around here?" She nodded at the bandits in the vicinity. None were close enough to hear, she thought, but she didn't want to take any risks. After all, the bandits had the advantage of much greater numbers. Besides, she was still angry with Jaheira over that incident with the scalps earlier.

Jaheira glared back at the bard, but apparently, she was able to see the sense in the argument put forth. "Very well", she muttered. "But we should move soon. We are wasting our time."

"Why in such a rush, elg'caress?" Viconia asked with a wicked smirk. "Afraid our leader will string you up among those other worthless carcasses if you keep challenging her? No, perhaps not. With the size of those hips you wouldn't be nearly ornamental enough. Perhaps you would do for the slave quarters though."

"You…you…you evil piece of…are you calling me FAT?"

"Also, annoyingly loud", Viconia added, carefully studying her well-groomed nails with a small and satisfied smile on her face. "If you're half darthiir I can't help wondering what the other half was. Otyugh, perhaps. They make this really annoying trumpeting grunt when they're annoyed, just the same as you. On the other hand, they're generally better looking."

Jaheria's eyes were almost bulging out of her skull by now and her face was dark red. Her mouth moved soundlessly as she tried to speak.

"Now…n-now see here!" Khalid protested. "That was e-entirely uncalled for!"

"Actually", Zaerini said, "it wasn't. Jaheira, we will speak later about this tendency of yours to try to beat me into submission. Viconia, I thank you for your efforts on my behalf. This will be enough for the moment though. We are all in this together, I don't want us to come to blows."

Viconia bowed her head slightly. "As you wish, abbil", she said. "I owe you my life, and so I will do as you ask and not peel the hide off her body in bloody stripes, entertaining as it would be."

Jaheira was still too angry to speak, but she nodded briefly.

"I do agree that I would like to move in soon", Rini added. "But with all these bandits around the tent we really can't risk it, not before our two rogues finish whatever they're doing." She paused. "I sure would like to know what they're up to, though. Oh well. I guess we'll find out soon enough."

At precisely that moment a hideous roar sounded from some distance away, a cry of many voices, growling and barking, baying for blood like a large pack of angry dogs. It was met and answered by other cries, cries of surprise and fear, of anger, and finally of pain. The voices of Black Talons and Chill alike mixed in with the terrible barks, and the night rang with the sound of metal against metal and with the screams of the dying.

Bandits everywhere were startled out of their regular activities, drawn towards the commotion. Not all of them got there though. Zaerini stared wide-eyed as more than one man suddenly groaned and paled as pain twisted his bowels into a tight knot. Panicky bandits were running around like decapitated hens, hands pressed either to their bellies or to their behinds, frantic to reach the latrines in time. Not all of them made it, and some of them didn't even bother to try, choosing instead to do what they had to do wherever they currently were. Now the night was also filled with an entirely different kind of pained groans, as well as with a hideous stench. The group of bandits guarding the command tent had dwindled away into nothing.

"Well", Rini said, trying her best to sound unruffled, "I guess that would be our signal. These fellows certainly won't be fighting anybody for the next few hours. Let's go."

Ugh, Softpaws said. That is so disgusting. Pick me up, I don't want to step in anything. Why can't you humans dig a hole like civilized animals?

Let's not discuss the respective elimination habits of our different species, shall we? Besides, these particular humans are hardly very civilized.

Excuses, excuses.

"Yes", Edwin agreed. "We should go at once; I wouldn't be surprised if something else happens as well. (No, not surprised at all.)" The party headed towards the command tent and were almost to the steps when they were intercepted.

"Ho there wanderers!"

For one dreadful, awful second Zaerini thought it was Elminster turned up again. Then she was relieved to see that this particular wizard was wearing green rather than red and lacked a pointy hat. Thank the gods for small mercies, she thought. "Xzar", she said. "What do you want?"

"What do I want?" The mad mage giggled quietly. "I want…a nice pair of woolen socks…an Iron Maiden…a cute wittle wooden puppet…and ABSOLUTE DOMINION OVER THE WORLD AND ALL THE PITIFUL SOULS THAT CRAWL ON ITS SURFACE! AND MY OWN PUPPY!"

"Urrrgh!" Abduh agreed, giving the bard a hostile look. The zombie was looking a bit worse for wear, his skin was coming off in patches and he was mostly bald. On the other hand, there was an attractive patch of green mold growing on his left cheek.

"Shut yer trap!" Montaron growled. The halfling thief glared angrily at Zaerini and her party. Then again, the bard thought, he always looks like that, so it's a bit difficult to tell the difference.

"We want in", Montaron stated, drawing his sword. "You people are on to something here, and you're not goin' in that tent without us. We mean to have our share, whether you like it or not. You'd better do as we say. We've a crazy zombie and we're not afraid to use it."

"I can believe that", Edwin said with a disdainful sneer, "but I can't help wondering exactly what you use him for. I hope it is nothing too unsavory, but I wouldn't bet against it. Neither of you look particularly likely to have much success with the ladies. Perhaps you use him as a…substitute?"

"URRRGH!"

"You'll die for that wizard!"

"What? Monty, what did he mean? Was it something nasty? I don't like nasty, it makes me nervous, and when I get nervous, I get upset, and when I get upset I want to hurt something. Nasty boys should be punished. Mommy always said so." Xzar smiled brightly. "Mommy's dead now, but I'll always carry her with me." He paused. "At least part of her. I have this jar, see, and…"

"Urrrgh?"

"No, no, the rest of Mommy stays at home. She doesn't like to go out much, she's very quiet these days. And she doesn't like nasty boys." Xzar gave Zaerini a rather unsettling look. "Or naughty girls. No, Mommy doesn't like those at all. But I do." His leer widened. "You shouldn't have changed your hair. You looked prettier before. Much prettier."

"Leave her hair out of this!" Edwin snarled, his face a mask of cold fury beneath the hood of his new black robe. "It's none of your business."

"Couldn't agree more, Eddie", Rini said as she drew her sword. "Get out of the way, all three of you. I'll only tell you once."

"No way in the Nine Hells", Montaron said and spat on the ground.

"Mommy says no", Xzar giggled.

"Urrrgh!"

"Right", the half-elf said, feeling the quick flames of fury flicker through her soul. "Then we'll just…"

"Hold it, abbil", Viconia said. "Allow me." The drow priestess smiled briefly and made a curious twisting gesture with one slender dark-skinned hand. Her eyes glowed unsettlingly red in the darkness. Abduh stiffened, his eyes even more blank than before. Then he turned around, slowly jerking towards Xzar and Montaron, arms outstretched. "That's a good boy", Viconia purred. "Go get them, your Mistress commands it."

"Urrrgh? URRRGH!"

"Abduh?" Xzar said. "What are you doing?" Then she shrieked like a little girl as the zombie almost smashed his skull in with one swing of his massive arm. "Abduh! Stop it!"

"URRRGH! Urrrgh, urrrgh, urrrgh!"

"This is all your fault", Montaron screamed as he grabbed Xzar by the arm and made a run for it, dragging the protesting wizard after him as Abduh tried to stamp him into the ground like a bug. "You and your stupid zombie, you always land us in this sort of fine mess…"

"But…"

"URRRGH!"

"The rest of you go ahead", Viconia said as she drove the zombie after the pair of fleeing Zhentarim. "I'll just put these two pieces of iblith away somewhere more suitable. Abduh! At them!" She disappeared after the still screaming men, chuckling quietly to herself. "I never imagined life on the surface could be this amusing…"

"Well", Zaerini said as she stepped up to the tent. "Shall we see if Tazok's home away from home is as ugly on the inside as on the outside?" She went inside, her friends close behind, and found herself eye to eye with a group of armed people who didn't look particularly happy to see her.