AUTHORS NOTE: Here we go, with trying to understand Carrick... this one is quite a long chapter and I just hope I manage to pull it off! Enjoy!

CHAPTER 25

(ANA)

My mind is working overtime, putting together a plan. After talking with Eva things seem to be coming together in my mind and I am hoping that what I am about to do will help with the healing of this family who appear to the outsider as a model family, but who are in reality just as flawed as everyone else. The realisation that Grace and Carrick made huge mistakes when raising their children – just like every other parent out there, makes me feel slightly guilty for judging them for those mistakes. After all I have no room to point fingers as my own mother was no mother at all, at least Grace tried. Yes she made mistakes but at least she cared enough to try, parenthood doesn't come with an instruction manual you have to rely on your instincts and sadly my own mother didn't seem to have any maternal instincts at all.

I have no idea what they have experienced in their lives which have shaped the way they think. I have no idea how the way they were raised probably is a huge factor in how they raised Christian, Elliot and Mia. All I know is Grace was unable to have children of her own and as such she adopted three children who needed a loving family. To the outside world they were exemplary parents, the model family. The standard to which all should aspire to, after all their three children have made astounding successes of their lives.

Mia is a respected trained chef who runs her own events planning business. Elliot owns his own construction company which is the number one construction company in the North West, and then there is Christian and to look at him you don't get much more successful than he is, a billionaire by the time he was 24 and multi billionaire way before he hit 30.

Yet if you look closer, if you take the time to see the real people behind the superficially seemingly perfect facade you begin to see the flaws. I am more than aware of Christian's flaws and raft of issues. Then there is Elliot, who seemingly also had it all but whose life has spectacularly imploded today. The reformed playboy who slept his way around Seattle bouncing from one girl to another before finding true love only to have it all crash and burn. Then we have Mia, the baby. The little girl who was treated like a princess by the family and completely adored by Christian to the extent that Mia was the first word he came out with ending his self-imposed trauma induced mutism which he suffered from, for two years after the death of his birth mother. But due to being doted on so completely it has made her self-centred with a complete sense of entitlement and oblivious to other people's feelings. Thankfully though she isn't spiteful, manipulative and vindictive with it like Kate. Just thoughtless.

I wonder what lies behind the way Carrick and Grace behave?

I stop outside the security office and glance at Eva who has been walking silently by my side.

"You seemed to be deep in thought there" she says and I smile.

"Sorry I was just thinking about everything" I say.

Eva shakes her head and touches my arm, "You have no need to apologise to me" she says kindly.

I give her a brave smile before knocking gently on the door in front of me and then stepping inside.

As soon as we enter, Jason stands as does Angus who is sitting in here with him. Luke glances up at us and smiles at me kindly.

"Hi" I begin.

"Mrs Grey, Mrs Cross what can I do for you?" Jason says quite formally and once again I just wish he would call me Ana.

"Well, you can start by calling me Ana, like I have requested since the day we met" I begin which makes Jason just smile at me.

"Erm… that new security thingy… that we used to capture everything that Kate said" I begin, cringing slightly at the way I am describing it.

I see both Luke and Angus smile at my description and Jason nods. "Yes" he says simply.

"Well, I was wondering… is it set up in Christian's study?" I ask.

"It is" Jason says, and I can see he is clearly wondering where I am going with this.

"I don't suppose it was switched on was it, when everyone was here when Mr Kavanagh showed up?" I ask.

Jason nods, "It was, I felt it was prudent to record the visit just in case".

I smile brightly at him, "Fantastic, now how long did you keep recording for?" I ask.

"Erm…" he says and he moves to his seat and taps on a laptop in front of him.

"It was switched off when Mr Greys parents left the house" he says, he looks up at me questioningly, "May I ask why you are asking?" he says.

I nod, "You may, I want to see it. I want to sit and watch what was said after we left the room" I say.

Jason nods, "Alright I can set that up for you… although I assume you heard the majority of that conversation when you and Mrs Cross were listening outside" he says.

I feel myself go red and I hear Luke snigger. "That is why we want to hear what was said beforehand as we want to hear the whole conversation in context" I say.

Jason nods and continues to tap. Then he stands up and gestures for me to sit down in his seat, Eva follows and he quickly grabs another chair for her to sit down.

"Thank you" she says.

We sit and watch the footage and hear everything that Carrick said after we had left the room. I am surprised as it isn't as bad as I had anticipated it would be but I still want to address with him his comments about Eva.

"Thank you, Jason," I say as it comes to an end. "By the way, I promised Gideon a copy of the footage of Eva eviscerating Kate, would you mind sending him a copy please?" I ask and Jason nods again.

"Consider it done" he says simply.

I bite my lip as what I say next will determine if Eva and I will get to do what we need to.

"Eva and I are going out for a drive; we will be taking my R8 and I will be driving" I say.

"Very good Mrs Grey, may I ask were you are heading?" he asks in such a way that tells me he is sure he knows where we are going and he is just confirming that fact.

"Bellevue" I say, and I hold up my hand to stop him as he opens his mouth to speak again, "and no, Christian doesn't know and I want to keep it that way. I'm not going to cause any trouble and I'm not looking for a fight. It's not going to end up like this morning with Kate, I just want to talk to Carrick and Grace… that's all" I say.

I see Luke has now stood up and is waiting expectantly and I know that he will insist on accompanying me.

Jason thinks for a moment but while he is considering what I am saying, Angus speaks up addressing Eva.

"You know that I'll have to come along too lass, after all Gideon left me here to protect you. I understand you are going to a place which isn't considered a threat, but you know that I have to come" he says reasonably and Eva nods.

"I get that" she says simply and Angus smiles widely at her.

Jason listens to him and then seems to come to his decision. "Alright, I will not inform Mr Grey of your destination. Luke goes with you, but he can wait outside. If Mr Grey asks where you have gone, I will tell him you have gone for a drive and are accompanied by Luke and Angus. Please don't make me regret this decision" he says.

I smile widely at him and fling my arms around him, "Thank you Jason" I say. I pull away and see the embarrassed look on his face, "I won't let you down" I add.

A few moments later and we are on our way, Eva and I in the R8 and one of the SUV's tailing us with Angus and Luke inside.

"That felt a bit like negotiating a prison break" Eva says and I laugh loudly.

"No, Jason is very loyal to Christian and he knows that he worries about me. He's not as bad as he used to be though. At one time he would've had a complete meltdown had Taylor told him we had just gone out for a drive, but now he will just accept that. He knows we have adequate security with us and whilst he will still be a little concerned, he won't have a complete nervous breakdown about it".

"He has separation anxiety when you are apart?" Eva asks and I nod.

"Yes, his biggest fear is me leaving him or me dying. It all stems back from his childhood when his birth mom died" I say sadly.

Eva nods in understanding, "Just like Gideon, although his comes from when his dad committed suicide and then when his mom disowned him" she says.

"She actually disowned him?!" I say in surprise, I recall Eva saying that they were estranged but I never realised it was so serious as her disowning him.

She nods, "Yeah, apparently she was disgusted that he could make up such wicked lies and try and destroy an innocent man's reputation". She shakes her head, "I have confronted her a couple of times about it and told her that he wasn't lying and that it did happen but she won't have it, the thing is there is no way she will ever believe it because the people in question are now dead".

"Does it bother Gideon not having a family?" I ask.

Eva shrugs, "I'm not entirely sure, he says it doesn't. He says that the only person he needs is me. He says I am his life and his reason for living and breathing. Which kind of is a big thing to live up to, but he was alone for so long and he just never let anyone in. He has friends, a relatively small circle but he is tight with them. But having said that they don't know him, not really. They don't see the Gideon I see". Eva stops talking and I think about what she said.

"I would say Christian is very similar, he doesn't really have any friends. He spends time with Elliot and they are very close and he has his trainer who he works out with, but he wouldn't be classified as a friend. The only friend he had was Elena and we all know what a fabulous influence on his life she was" I say sarcastically.

Eva looks shocked, "He kept her as a friend after their physical relationship ended?" she asks and I nod.

"Yes, he considered her a close friend, she was the one who gave him the start-up money he needed to form GEH, he paid back that money with interest but he still kept her as a confidant. He just couldn't see that she was using him and still controlling him. He invested in her business ventures and was a silent partner in her beauty salons. That only ended after we had a massive row with her when we got engaged. Which was a relief, considering what happened shortly afterwards. It would've been very damaging for him and GEH had he still been financially involved with her when it all came out what she was" I say.

"Why, what happened?" Eva asks.

I smile as I recall that night, "Christian and I had thrown a party to announce that we had got engaged. Grace was in charge of the guest list and of course because Elena was a family friend she was invited. It was at Grace and Carrick's house. She tried to tell me to back off and leave Christian and it all got very heated, it ended up with me throwing my drink all over her and Christian went ballistic at her. She tried to say I wasn't right for him. He told her that it was none of her business and all she did was teach him to fuck. Unfortunately, Grace walked in at that moment and heard him say that. She slapped Elena and told her to get out of her house. The thing is she never told Carrick. I always thought that was unusual as Grace and Carrick don't normally keep any secrets from each other and I often wondered why she didn't say anything. He found out a couple of weeks or so later when it all came out about Elena and the boy who she had been abusing, but Grace never let on that she knew that something had been going on with Elena. When the extent of the abuse came out though, it nearly destroyed her. I do believe she just thought it was straight vanilla sex that they were participating in. I don't think in her wildest imagination did she realise the extent of what Elena did to him, that is until it all came out in court".

There is a brief silence, as Eva takes in everything I have just told her".

We both fall silent again and continue our drive to Bellevue with only the music on the car radio playing in the background.

"What are you planning to say to Carrick and Grace, when we get there" Eva asks, changing the subject, after a few moments silence.

I shrug, "I'm not entirely sure, I am going to play it by ear. I am going to call Carrick out on what he said about you though," I say.

Eva grins at me, "My hero" she says wryly.

That comment makes me laugh, until I see that we have arrived. "We're here" I say as we pull into the driveway which winds its way up to the house.

As we climb out of the car the SUV pulls up beside me and Luke climbs out.

"We will wait right here" he says and I nod and smile at him.

"Thank you, Luke," I say kindly.

I turn towards Eva and take a deep breath, "Ready?" I ask.

"Let's go" she replies.

oooOOOooo

(GRACE)

I watch as Carrick moves towards the bar and pours himself a glass of bourbon. I am so angry with him at the moment that he has once again behaved in a way which has only succeeded in angering and alienating Christian further and I can't contain my fury. A fury that is born out of fear that after only recently getting our son back he is going to push him away and we are going to lose him again.

"Why Carrick? Why do you always without fail manage to open your mouth and say something which alienates our children, especially Christian?" I blurt out.

Carrick looks up with a startled expression on his face which quickly morphs into guilt, he knows he has upset Christian. "I am only thinking about him Grace, I worry so much about him. He is so impulsive, he may be a grown man now but emotionally speaking he is very immature still. He has all this wealth and resources at his fingertips so he is a perfect candidate for these people to take advantage of him".

"But has it ever occurred to you that he has probably already used those resources to check out those people?" I argue.

Carrick sighs and rubs his eyes, "I know… I know, I hear myself saying these things and I know I'm making things worse. I just always seem to be on the backfoot with Christian. Ever since the day I first met him and he came into our lives no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to reach him".

"What possessed you to make those comments about Eva? She is a lovely girl and we should be supporting Ana as she gets to know her, not making comments like that. Thank god she didn't hear what you said, as you do realise if you upset Ana we will never see Christian again".

Carrick opens his mouth to reply but as he does so I hear a knock at the door and look at him in surprise as we weren't expecting visitors.

Gretchen has the day off and so I walk to the door and as I open it my mouth falls open as I see Ana and Eva standing there. I look past them wondering if Christian is here as well, but only see the SUV with two security men sitting inside.

"It's just us Grace, Christian doesn't even know we are here" Ana says gently.

"Come in darling" I say stepping aside to let them in, "Hello again Eva" I add as I acknowledge the young woman at Ana's side.

"Hello Grace" Eva says and she leans forward and we air kiss a greeting.

I close the door and follow Ana and Eva into the room where Carrick is standing, he freezes when he sees them but quickly recovers and smiles nervously.

"What a surprise" he says.

Ana turns and smiles at me reassuringly, "We came because we wanted to talk to you both. I will be totally upfront and open and say, we heard the conversation with Christian after we left the room".

I gasp in shock and my hand flies to my throat; I look at Carrick and he opens his mouth to speak but I catch his eye and I shake my head at him as the last thing I want is him opening his mouth and making things worse.

Ana wraps her arm around Eva, "I don't want a confrontation or argument with you Carrick. All I would like is an explanation of your views about my sister? You seemed to make a negative judgemental assessment based on very little evidence. Admittedly Eva was very outspoken with Kate but the situation called for it. Now, after what I heard you say to Christian today and everything I know about you from what Christian has told me and my own experiences with you I have made some very negative judgements about you. I don't think it is healthy and I want to get everything out in the open once and for all and try and see if we can rectify this".

I look at Carrick and hope that he isn't going to get defensive about this and I silently plead with him to cooperate.

As I watch I see him almost sag and he shakes his head sadly. "I apologise unreservedly for my remarks regarding you Eva. It was wrong of me to say what I said, Ana is completely correct and I thank you for standing beside her against Kate. I have no idea what made me say that, it is no excuse but I am extremely worried about this situation with Christian and his biological family, and my tact filter wasn't completely working when I made that remark".

Ana glances at Eva who nods and shrugs. "I accept your apology; we all say things without thinking which we wish we could stuff back in our mouths from time to time".

I close my eyes briefly as I give thanks that Eva is being so understanding.

"Shall we sit down, as I am assuming you have more you want to say?" Carrick says and with that Eva and Ana sit down on the sofa opposite Carrick and I move to sit down next to him.

"Would you like a drink?" Carrick asks as he looks at his own glass of bourbon at the side of him. Both Eva and Ana politely decline and a silence spreads out between us.

Eventually Ana leans forward clasping her hands together. I smile as I have seen Christian adopt this stance many times and I realise she has learnt it from him. "I don't want this to turn into a point scoring argument but I think we should begin with the observations I have made since I came into Christian's life. Make you aware of what I have learnt and witnessed so you can see how things have looked from my perspective and then you can comment on them and possibly explain why you did things the way you did, does that sound fair to you?" Ana asks.

I nod, and glance at Carrick willing him to agree, to my horror he leans forward to speak.

"If this is about the prenup" he begins but I quickly interrupt him.

"Carrick" I say warningly.

Ana smiles patiently, but there is a slight edge to her tone as she responds. "The prenup is a very small part of it Carrick, there is far more to this than the prenup argument".

Carrick nods, "I accept that, but before you begin, I would just like to explain that. It was never my intention to be duplicitous and slip in a prenuptial agreement with the paperwork which you came in to sign. That was a complete human error on the part of my clerk who accidently picked it up with all the other documents you had to sign which I take full responsibility for. If you remember you both arrived early and we decided to get it done and so I didn't double check the documentation as I should've done, had I done so I would've seen that particular document and taken it out. I would also like to say… for the record, I didn't draft it because I thought you were a gold digger. That thought had never ever entered my head. I helped Ray get custody of you back when you were a child. I knew what a fine honourable man he was and I knew that he raised you to be the same way. It was written to protect you as much as Christian, but I never got the chance to explain it and go through it with you. The terms were more than equitable to you… it wasn't a case of preventing you from taking Christian's wealth at all… that's all I want to say and I do apologise for the unnecessary hurt and unpleasantness that whole episode caused which was down to nothing more than my carelessness at not double checking what documents were there".

Ana stares at Carrick in surprise and it is obvious she never expected that, "Oh" she says simply. She quickly recovers though, "I'm grateful that you have explained that, I had no idea… why didn't you say something at the time?" she asks.

Carrick snorts and shakes his head, "If you remember Christian wasn't in exactly the right frame of mind to listen to reason. He was so furious with me. You both assumed I was trying to be underhanded and it coloured your opinion so completely that every time I did try and bring it up afterwards, he completely refused to discuss it. I did consider trying to speak to you about it and try explaining as I just have done, but knowing how angry Christian was about it along with how protective he is regarding you I didn't want to potentially make a bad situation even worse. Therefore, in the end I decided to just drop it and let it go and I hoped that if anything should happen between you two that Christian would be sensible about it".

Ana nods and smiles at him, "Well thank you for explaining that" she says.

Carrick smiles back, "I'm just glad I have finally managed to explain" he says.

Ana bites her lip, "It does seem that you and Christian seem to clash rather a lot. I wonder why that is?" she says.

Carrick sighs, "We are actually very alike. We are both very opinionated and hold strong views. We also both see things in a very black and white manner. As a prosecution lawyer you tend to adopt that way of thinking. The letter of the law is there and you have the evidence in front of you and you have to decide going on the evidence before you if a crime has been committed. If you need to convict someone there can be no grey area as grey area gives the jury the reasonable doubt that the defence is looking for. I also admit one of my faults is I like to have control of situations, as when that control isn't there mistakes can happen... the prenup debacle being a case in point and I know that Christian is very similar in that respect so when we are both trying to establish control over the same thing… we will inevitably clash". He pauses and looks at Ana sheepishly, "Which leads me to another apology, I apologise today for my comments when Eamon arrived. In my defence I was trying to protect Elliot as although he was totally correct with his comment I didn't want him to antagonise Eamon which could result in an escalation of the situation".

Ana nods, "Also the way you jumped in and took charge as soon as Eamon arrived. I noticed that and so did Christian. By the look on his face it seemed to me he felt usurped in his own home" she says. She hesitates again, "Also when you took charge after we left the room, when you ordered him to sit down" she says.

"That was certainly not my intention, I was just trying to protect Elliot but with hindsight I can see how that looked to Christian" Carrick says acknowledging his mistake. "As for the other occasion, I wanted to speak to Christian as I was concerned and I wanted to ensure I had his full attention, but it appears that once again I may have overstepped the mark".

Ana sighs and rubs her forehead with her fingers. "From everything that Christian has told me and from everything that I have personally witnessed, it seems to me that Christian doesn't feel good enough. He always feels like a disappointment to you and that no matter how much he achieves it will never be enough and you will never be proud of him. Then that is compounded by the way you try and – in his mind usurp him in his own home, making him feel undervalued… do you understand what I am trying to say?" she says looking at Carrick carefully.

I can see exactly what she is trying to say, and I nod my head. "I understand exactly darling and I have said to Carrick many times why do you insist on purposely alienating him… I was just saying that very thing when you arrived and I think it is relevant for me to say it right now. I am so afraid right now. I have only very recently got my son back after years of him distancing himself from us after that woman negatively influenced him. I can see him finding out about his biological family and whilst I am so pleased that he is finding out more about where he came from and understanding that Ella wasn't as bad as his memories had painted her. I am worried that we are going to lose him again especially when Carrick makes comments questioning their sincerity".

I pause and look at Carrick as I say this, he nods as he is taking in everything that is being said. Much to my surprise I see tears forming in his eyes and he shakes his head sadly. I automatically reach for his hand. I have never seen Carrick looking so vulnerable and I have no idea what he is going to say next. Ana is watching him with obvious compassion in her eyes and she patiently waits for him to compose himself and say what he wants to say.

"I love my children and I am proud of all of them. They have all exceeded my wildest expectations for them, especially Christian. Of all of them he was the one I worried most about and still do. Elliot and Mia both came to us as babies and were oblivious to their former lives. Elliot was given up by his teenage mother after the man she had been seeing abandoned them… much like your situation with your birth father; and we got him pretty much as soon as he was born as his mother had decided that was the best thing for him. Mia was six months old when she came to us, her mother had died and she was a single mother with no known relations. Then there was Christian. He was four years old, traumatised by the death of his mother, emotionally and physically scarred by the horrific abuse he'd endured. He was pitiful when he came to us and I admit I was out of my depth. I knew from the moment I first met him that I had to tread carefully with him as he was so damaged but the overwhelmingly strong protective paternal instincts I felt towards him from the moment I first looked into those frightened grey eyes of his. I wanted to be his father so badly. I wanted to teach him that grown men were not something to be afraid of, that not all adult men would hurt him". Carrick pauses and I have a huge lump in my throat as I have never heard him speak so candidly about his feelings towards our children.

"I had set views on child rearing which I had learnt from my own upbringing, which all went out of the window with Christian. I was raised that a parent's word was law and if I deviated from that law the consequences were harsh. I was spanked and I was raised to understand that if you did wrong you got a spanking. I clearly realised that this was inappropriate where Christian was concerned and so I tended to look towards Grace to punish him when he did anything wrong as I was at a loss as I had no idea what to do. I was afraid of being too heavy handed and destroying the fragile relationship which we managed to build".

"Did you spank Elliot and Mia?" Ana asks.

Carrick nods, "I did, why?" he asks.

Ana smiles kindly at him, "It is all making perfect sense to me. Everything you are saying, and why Christian believes he is a disappointment and unworthy. He grew up seeing you treating him differently from Elliot and Mia, he saw you tickling them and playing with them whereas he was unable to participate due to his touch issues". She pauses and glances at me, "Which is something I want to talk to you about Grace" she adds.

"He saw you punish Elliot and Mia when they were naughty, but you didn't punish him you left it to Grace to discipline him. Making him think he had disappointed you so greatly that you couldn't bear to be near him. You told him to his face when he was a teenager and acting out that you were disappointed in him, compounding his views that he was a bad person and a complete disappointment to you. When he turned things around and got into Harvard you told him you were proud of him, only for that to change when he dropped out and you told him that his company would fail so he set out to prove you wrong, he made a spectacular success of his life not only to prove you wrong but make you proud of him again. Only you never acknowledged his success, you never apologised for what you had said and told him that you were wrong and so in Christian's mind he is still a disappointment to you".

Carrick's eyes widen with realisation "That was never my intention, I just wanted to give him a reality check. I was afraid that he wouldn't make it and I was trying to protect him. I thought he would be better off getting his degrees and then starting his business. Yes, he proved me wrong but… I had no idea he thought that way".

Carrick looks completely shattered at everything Ana has said.

"I think you should sit down with Christian and tell him everything you have told me, and I mean everything. Let him see as I saw, how vulnerable you are and how everything you have done was with the best intentions and not because you were disappointed in him" Ana suggests.

"I think I should as well" Carrick responds.

Ana turns her attention towards me, "I have things I want to say to you as well" she says.

I steel myself as I know what is going to come, Ana is clearly a very astute young lady. Far more so than I had ever imagined and her only motive is Christian's happiness and well-being. I know she is going to highlight my own failings with Christian, how I failed to help him with his fundamental issues of touch. Issues which she managed to help him overcome as soon as she came into his life.

I am brought from my thoughts by Eva who is smiling kindly at me and she turns to Carrick. "From an outsider's point of view, I think you just tried to do your best but as is the case in every family there was a fundamental lack of communication. But it's not too late to fix this though, the love you clearly have for your family is your strength. Nearly every child has in their mind the ideal of what a parent should be, but real life proves that parents rarely if ever live up to those ideals and expectations, because nobody is perfect. Ana and I have had that quite comprehensively shown to us by meeting Frank, but we were the lucky ones as we were both raised by daddies who pretty much fulfilled our ideals. Christian was different though; he had such a shitty start in life so he had no idea what the ideal was as all he knew was bad things".

Ana nods, "I agree and I believe in Christian's case, he has such a low opinion of himself that he spent the majority of his childhood fumbling around trying to please you and trying to be the son he thought you wanted. Whilst always having in the back of his mind that he wasn't worthy of it and that he didn't deserve it. Which was then in his mind confirmed for him in his teenage years when he was repeatedly told he was a disappointment due to his bad behaviour, behaviour which I am not condoning". She turns towards Eva and smiles.

"Eva is right, no parent can ever be perfect because as human beings we are all flawed. Some more than others, Eva has had issues with her mom being too overprotective, and I have had issues with my mom not giving a damn". She pauses and looks at me, "You have been more of a mom to me in the short time I have known you than my mom ever was Grace, you have been a brilliant mom to me since I met Christian, and yet you made mistakes with Christian and are beating yourself up for those mistakes, I heard what you said to him… at that point Eva and I were outside the door listening and that is what I want to discuss with you now".

I smile at Ana and nod, "Alright" I say as I wait for her to continue.