Chapter Thirty-Eight: Halfway

Though Vader's preference was to kill those who stood in his way, in many ways, it made things a lot more complicated. Killing the suspected perpetrators meant an unfortunate lack of ability to glean much more information about their attack for both the Empire and the Rebellion. Now, neither governing body would be able to discover if this had been an isolated incident or if the Eriadu rebel cell had ties to more terroristic rebel organizations throughout the galaxy. Not that the distinction mattered to the Emperor. All rebels were the same as far as he was concerned. But if Vader had the presence of mind to take some information from their heads before he'd executed them, it would have made his job in the aftermath a lot easier. A job that was already made harder since he was distracted.

It had taken all his focus and willpower to hide his distraction from the Emperor when Vader made his report to him. But he was almost positive he'd done a relatively sufficient job of it. Once Vader confirmed that no Jedi had been involved in the plot and that the culprits were dead, the Emperor dismissed him. If he'd sensed anything amiss, the Sith master would have played one is mind games. Vader doubted he had the energy or focus to keep himself from falling for the man's mind traps while at the same time making the man think he had. If he'd slipped, no doubt he would have been called back to Imperial Center immediately, and Vader wasn't sure he'd be able to keep Ahsoka's survival from Sidious any longer.

Vader resisted the urge to groan as he tried and failed to take himself into a resting meditation to bring some clarity to this confusing mess as he lay on his bed.

From the day Vader had met her, Ahsoka had always been the type to speak her mind. But with all trust between them lost, their mutual fury at each other, and the Jedi tenants that would have tempered her long abandoned, Ahsoka was a lot more likely to make sure he explicitly knew when she was displeased with him. There was no occasion which she had been displeased with him that she held back on the cutting remarks or biting truths that he didn't want to hear.

For the first time, though, she was giving him the silent treatment. Even her end of the bond was suspiciously muted. The silence bothered him even more than it had on Naboo a year ago. Though, unlike back then, he knew the direct cause of her silence, knowing only complicated the matter more when he had no idea what to do about it.

Ahsoka wasn't one to resort to silence for long, though. So Vader decided to consider it a temporary blessing. It was hard to examine his own mind and feelings when they were both trying to blame the other for the latest dilemma they were dealing with at the time. That was certainly so now when he needed to examine his apparently more-than-friends feelings for her, though he denied their existence when they'd both uncovered it.

This was wholly and completely different from Padmé. He'd admittedly been childishly enamored with her since he met her, not even having a complete understanding of what he felt for her was. The only thing he'd known was that the Force—before he even knew it by that name—whispered to him that she was his destiny. So he'd carried that promise and that torch for her in the interceding years before they were reunited. His and Padmé's feelings for each other had been passionate and all-consuming from the beginning. He had never not known how he felt about her.

Whatever was coming across the bond with Ahsoka was quiet, creeping up on him in such a way that it had been easy to ignore until he took the time to inspect it. Truthfully, he should have known something was happening when their bond somehow managed to repair itself despite them both mutually ignoring its presence. Initially, anyway. At some point, the convenience of the bond became hard to resist. At some point, they'd stopped ignoring the bond when its presence presented itself. Yet, somehow they had both still conveniently ignored how much the Force connection between them had actually strengthened. At some point that Vader couldn't specify, they had gone from hating one another to tolerating one another enough that they could loosely call each other friends to whatever was happening now.

But how? And all without either of them realizing.

"Force, you're thinking incredibly loud."

Also way more distracted than he thought he was if he hadn't sensed her approach, despite her muted Force signature. Yet another sign that something was amiss between them. He would have to go into a true meditation later to recenter himself in the Force.

She was standing in the doorway to his room, taking advantage of the fact that he hadn't bothered closing the door when he was finally able to steal away to rest. Not that a closed door would have stopped her from entering anyway.

Proving his point, she walked into the room and sat on his desk, leaning against the wall while swinging her legs back and forth.

They didn't speak at first, and for anyone else, it might have been awkward. But as Ahsoka had pointed out a few days ago, they had been through much tougher situations. If anything, the silence between them was companionable. Expectedly, Ahsoka was the one who eventually broke the silence.

"You know," she began evenly, "when I sat down and thought about it, this whole thing kind of makes sense."

"What makes sense?"

"Our attraction toward each other."

Vader instinctively began to deny her statement. Then he remembered that it didn't matter what he said when the sensations that periodically went back and forth across their bond told a different story. Instead, he asked, "How so?"

"Because no one is ever going to understand us like we understand us." She elaborated, "At the end of all this when we've pissed everyone off with the revelation of our truce and dealt with people's perceived betrayals and wrestled everyone into tentative compliance, you're going to be the only person I have left. And I'm going to be the only person you have left. Truly, anyway."

Vader didn't need to feel the impression of what she meant across their bond for him to know what she meant.

After everything had gone so spectacularly wrong once he pledged himself to Sidious, Vader had resigned himself to a life of being alone as punishment for his failures. He hadn't been able to protect the one person he cared for most, so he deserved for his existence to be dedicated to an empty service to Sidious. The only thing Vader might have been able to look forward to was becoming strong enough again to put Sidious out of his misery. But even that would be an empty feat. Then he found Luke and Leia, and some of that loneliness eased. Still, even then he was faced with the reality that one day they would grow up, learn what a terrible person he truly was, and want nothing to do with him.

Ahsoka had always been peculiar in the sense that she was willing to overlook his past sins and the sins he was still committing to settle on what she perceived as the good in him. Seeming willing to accept him in a way no one had been willing to in a long time.

If ever, a voice whispered in Vader's head, reminding him that even in the end, Padmé had rejected that side of him. He banished it like he banished most thoughts of his dead wife.

He'd denied Ahsoka's acceptance. Even directed his anger toward her out of a possessive jealousy—which he hadn't realized he had until recently—that the only reason she overlooked his sins was out of some misguided longing for his weaker, former self. But he could admit if only to himself that she'd proven otherwise over the years. She wholly accepted all facets of him, asking him only to be the one in control and not to let his strengths and weaknesses control him. Without her, he would have to confront the inevitability of being surrounded by people but ultimately being alone and forever misunderstood. Then on Naboo, she admitted a similar insecurity, and, in response, he offered her a place at his side. Not as a Sith as he'd wanted years ago and wouldn't object to now, but just to be there.

"What are you saying?" he finally asked.

"I'm saying that instead of freaking out and making things spectacularly worse by denying our… our non-platonic attraction toward each other, we just accept it for what it is."

Vader paused, not particularly sure what she was getting at, especially considering a little over a day ago she insisted on creating a list of reasons to not get involved. A very rational list of reasons that he was going to remind her off if she was suggesting what he thought she was.

She picked up on his thoughts again because she continued, "I'm not saying we actually do anything about it. I meant what I said. I won't be put in a position where you have to choose between me and the galaxy. We both know what you'd choose. You can't help yourself," Ahsoka stated, sending a grim look his way. She softened her expression when she continued. "What I am saying is that after we kill Sidious, stabilize the Galactic government, and we've eliminated all the reasons I might be put in that position, maybe those other reasons won't be such a big deal."

"So you want us, in essence, to do what we've been doing? Ignore it."

"Yes… no. Ugh," Ahsoka groaned. "This made so much more sense in my head."

Vader waited for her to make sense of what she meant. After a while, she said, "All I'm saying is that we were probably going to end up at the very least some sort of platonic life companions anyway. Maybe this is a natural progression that there's no point in fighting forever. Or… I don't know. Maybe it'll go away on its own by the time it's safe to explore it. I just think maybe the best way to deal with this is to not put any energy into dealing with it at all when we've got more important things to worry about."

This was her Jedi teachings coming out; the things she was raised on and couldn't seem to let go despite her renouncement. It sounded like the kind of advice Yoda might have given. That some things were just the will of the Force and didn't need their attention. That said, it likely wasn't advice the Jedi would have given about this situation. They would have advised to let their feelings go, that those feelings were both somehow natural and yet against the will of the Force for a Jedi. Though she was trying to stay calm, he sensed her inner panic and desperation. The same spike of it he felt when she admitted that she didn't trust him. And she wasn't the only one with trust issues. Regardless of her reasons for it, she'd refused a place at his side before. And even though it was now a standing offer and he knew she felt better knowing, in the end, she had a place she could choose to be, she still hadn't explicitly taken it. Ahsoka could always find her place elsewhere after all this was over. Regardless of her reasons, Vader wanted to deal with the issue as much as she did. That was, not at all.

"If that's what we're going to agree on," Vader finally replied, "then we can direct that energy into something else that you and I need to discuss."

Ahsoka sighed. "What now?"

"If it wasn't clear to me before, it's abundantly clear to me now that you have no sense of self-preservation where your life is concerned. If you did, you would not have insisted on coming here for this mission."

"Vader, I'm the leader of a rebellion. My life is in danger by virtue of that fact regardless of whether or not I go on missions. It would be in danger anyway. I'm a former Jedi. A well-known one at that," Ahsoka added.

"Which is why I will be designating you a bodyguard."

Ahsoka balked, opening and closing her mouth in disbelief before repeating, "A bodyguard? Vader, you can't be serious. I don't need a bodyguard. I can protect myself."

"That may be the case. But my hopes are that you won't need to if someone is there whose sole focus is to anticipate any possible threats against you and minimize the risks of those threats if you're going to continue to insist on putting yourself in unnecessarily hostile predicaments. Hopefully, they'll make you think twice about putting yourself in them at all."

Vader doubted the last part. Ahsoka had been running into danger without thinking of the possible cost to herself since he'd met her. But she would think twice about dragging along someone who had no choice but to follow her into a dangerous situation and didn't have the added benefit of the Force for protection.

"Vader. This makes…" She trailed off and opened and closed her mouth in sheer incredulity. "This makes absolutely no sense. You were fine with it before."

Before, Vader had been arrogant enough to think that his training would be enough to keep her safe. And it had been on Eriadu. But what if the next time someone tried to kill her for getting in their way, it wasn't enough. He might not be able to personally ensure her safety by not allowing her out his sight, but he could place someone with her that could. He already had someone in mind. Someone who would protect Ahsoka as though she belonged to them the same way she belonged to him. As their own.

"See. This is that possessiveness I'm talking about. I don't belong to you."

Something dark and angry surged up in him. The same darkness that surged up in him and consumed him just over a day ago when he realized the rogue rebel cell had blown up their ship with Ahsoka on it. Roaring in indignant outrage that anyone dared try to harm what was his before he'd blacked out in rage with the sole intent of obliterating anything his path that might even think to harm what was his.

She said she wouldn't be the next woman he damned the galaxy for. But it was far too late. He'd already lost his control over the dark side so quickly at the mere thought that an insignificant rogue pirate dared to try to take her from him. He would damn the galaxy for her. And he'd regret the process about as much as he regretted the process the last time he'd done it for Padmé. Even now, the only thing he truly regretted about his actions before was that he'd failed to protect Padmé despite damning the galaxy. He didn't plan to have that regret again. Just because they weren't sure where they stood with each other didn't mean he had any intention of allowing harm come Ahsoka's way.

"You don't want to be the next woman I damn the galaxy for?" he asked, that dark anger seeping into his tone and past his shields so that Ahsoka undoubtedly sensed it. To both his pleasure and confusion, she didn't retreat from it. In fact, her own Force signature reacted by cocooning the darkness around her. For what reason, Vader did not know, nor did he know if she was conscious of it.

He continued, "Then meet me halfway on this."

For a while, she said nothing. But Vader knew she'd give him an answer eventually, and he was content to wait on it.

Finally, she said in a disgruntled tone, "It doesn't even matter what I say. You're going to find a way to force this on me anyway. You'll send a spy to watch me if you need to."

"I am pleased that we have that kind of understanding," Vader retorted.

"Ass," she muttered with her arms crossed, acting comically like the teenager that she'd once been. Then she asked resignedly, "Who do you have in mind? Going to give me one of your maidens?"

Vader scowled, instinctively reaching across their bond to give her a mental shove before he could realize what he was doing and stop himself. He received smug amusement back. Ahsoka frequently teased him about the all-female task force Sabé led, jokingly calling it his harem on a few occasions. She finally settled on calling the group his maidens, a name Sabé heard her say once and ran with for the sole purpose of annoying him, he was sure.

"You'll find them suitable enough for the job," Vader assured.

"And if I don't?"

"You will."

"Vader," she said flatly.

"They'll be ready to be assigned to you before you depart." He sensed her starting to argue and added, "You really don't think I'm letting you leave this ship in the condition you're in? I read the report from medical. You're not going anywhere for a few days."

Vader sensed her debating whether or not to argue with him. Finally, she sighed, hopped off the desk, and left the room, releasing herself from the cold cocoon of his dark presence as she did. He pretended not to feel of loss at the absence of her warm signature touching his, all the while trying not to be concerned by the way the Force had hummed in contentment up until she'd detached herself from him.

AN: Okay. This is a long ass author's note, but keep reading. The third point is an Anisoka rec, btw.

1) This chapter, like the last, went through one hell of an edit until I was happy with it. From moving whole paragraphs to other parts of the chapter, down to the most minute word choices. So yes. The slow burn still lives, except our hero (anti-hero?) and heroine are aware that it's burning. The next chapter introduces something that many of you have been asking about, and I was a little apprehensive because I've never written from that point of view before. Feel free to make your guesses.

2) Therecklessone asked a specific question that I wanted to answer, but couldn't because this site won't let me reply to guest reviews. :( Specifically, they asked if I thought Ahsoka always had a crush or had some kind of attraction to Anakin in canon. I elaborate on this a little later in the story but I'll do so a little more broadly here. I think she looked up to him a lot. I think she was very enamored with him. But I really think it was in an intimate friends or older brother way. Admittedly, you can read into it. The show gives great subtext that is never elaborated on, and as Ahsoka got older their back and forth wit and the looks they exchanged could be read as flirtatious. But I honestly think it was in that same close friends way like Anakin had with Obi-wan. Now, did that relationship have the potential to change? Absolutely. Otherwise, this fanfic wouldn't exist. Do I think Ahsoka canonically had a crush on Anakin? Probably not, though the reading isn't at all far-fetched. I swear the illustrators and writers put things in there on purpose to tease certain "what-ifs" to the fans.

3) Some of you also asked for other Anisoka fanfic recs, and I have one in particular because it's on this site in the "Star Wars: Clone Wars" category under cartoons. The crowd isn't as big in that fandom, mostly because I don't think people think to go check for it. Any, the story is called Condemned as One by Aevar. It's an interesting take on what might have happened if Ahsoka was able to contact Anakin after she beat Maul. It's really good, and I really want the author to keep writing and to finish it. So head over, and if you like it, give them some encouragement.

Now. Last thing, but not least. You all have truly overwhelmed me with your love for this story. I try to reply to all the reviews, but it seems like I'm spending as much time replying as I am writing the rest of this story. Keep the reviews coming, of course. I love to read them, and they inspire me. But I'm going to have to start picking and choosing when I reply, mostly if someone asks a question or surprises me with insight (which you all do all the time). Once again, thank you.