Chapter Twenty-Five

Peter was on the couch, one of his school notebooks on his lap and a pen clamped between his teeth. So far, he had two words written at the top of the page, but now he was stalled.

He heard someone coming and looked up hopefully, wanting Tony, but it was Pepper. When she got closer, he saw her face and immediately felt guilty. She had to know what was happening. She looked awful, too, not her usual composed, cheeriness. He hadn't seen Tony all day. It was evening now, and he'd eaten a dinner of cereal alone.

He felt very alone.

Peter could understand how the people around him felt. If the situations were reversed and Tony or May was dying, he'd be afraid, too, but right now, sitting in the position he did, he was calm. There was no fear, though maybe that would come later.

It was like he'd been given the news that he'd suspected, though in no way had he known. He'd been thinking of how good his life was now when May and Tony had come in looking like they had to break the news. He didn't want to die, but he wasn't scared of it either.

If he'd not been Spider-Man, he would have died when he fell from that building. He'd been lucky that there were enough mutated cells in him to keep him alive, though they couldn't save his spine, but that's where it should have ended. The fact he had extra months had been a bonus, amazing. The was over now, though, and it wasn't as scary as maybe it should be.

Maybe he was in shock, and the calm would wear off, and he'd be afraid later. He wasn't going to wait for it come, though. He was going to enjoy the time he had left while he could.

"Hey, Peter. You hungry? I'm sorry, I'm so late. I got caught up at work and—" She bit her lip. "I'm sorry."

Peter waved away her apology. "No, I ate already."

She looked a little pained but smiled at him as she came closer and sat down. "You doing school work?"

Peter shook his head. "No. That's definitely—" He stopped himself. "I mean, it's not a priority right now."

"Then, what are you doing?"

Peter hesitated. "I'm making a list of things I want to do."

She pressed her lips together for a second but then smiled. "What kind of things?"

Peter examined her and said, "I heard it's something people do when they're … like me. So I figured I'd do one, too. All the things I want to do before it's over."

Pepper sucked in a soft breath, and Peter felt guilty again. He didn't want this for the people he cared about, and he didn't want it for himself. They needed time to come to terms with it, of course, but there might not be much time, and he didn't want to walk on eggshells the whole time to protect them. If this was what his situation was now, he was dying soon, then he was going to make the most of what he had left.

"So I was thinking all the usual things," he said. "Like skydiving and a hot air balloon ride."

She glanced at his almost empty page, and he saw something change in her face. She was smiling genuinely now. "Then you better start writing them down."

Peter grinned and made the first two notes.

"What else?" she asked.

"One I saw online was to face a fear, and I do have a fear, but it's kind of silly."

She nudged him with her elbow. "I need to hear this. What scares Spider-Man?"

Peter ducked his head and muttered. "Spiders."

Pepper laughed and then clapped a hand to her mouth, looking guilty.

He laughed, too. "Yeah, I know it's dumb, but I never liked them much, and then one bit me, which was pretty rough. I think I need to touch a spider or something to beat the fear."

"Peter, I think you need to do more than just touch a spider to count as facing a fear. You're going to at least need to hold one, and it can't be some baby. If you're doing this, you're going to have to do a Stark."

His brows pinched together. "Do a Stark?"

She nodded. "You've got to go big. I'm thinking tarantula…"

Peter shuddered and then nodded. "Okay. I can do that." He wrote it down on the list. "Face a fear. Easy. You got other ideas?"

Pepper considered. "Well… What have you always wanted to do? That's what this is about."

Peter tapped his pen against his teeth, and she pulled it away. "Tony does that, too, and it drives me nuts."

"Sorry." Peter set the pen down on the paper again and said, "Is Coney Island a dumb one?"

"Why would it be dumb?"

"It's not a kid thing?" He looked awkward. "I was supposed to go with my mom, but then… well, we didn't get to go, and I never wanted to ask May or Ben since they were working so hard. I've never been, apart from the thing with Toomes and the plane, and I thought it would be cool to do it properly."

"Then it's a perfect idea. Write it down."

Peter did. "You think Tony will come?" It was an offhand remark, more of a joke than not because he couldn't imagine Tony at Coney Island eating a funnel cake, but the look on her face made him stop and frown.

She looked so sad. "Honestly, Peter, I don't know what Tony can do right now." She put a hand on his back. "Tony is at his best when he can do something. You know how bad he is at relaxing when there's a job to be done. Right now, with you…"

"Fixing me is his job," Peter said.

"To him, it is, yes."

Peter sighed. "But he can't."

"We don't know that."

"Okay, no, we don't know it, but Tony's not that kind of doctor. Even if he was, I don't see how anyone can do it. It all sounds too big. It's not regular science. It's my freaky cells."

She hugged him against her. "I know, but I don't think Tony can bear to not try." She pulled back, eyes moving over him. "Do you really feel that way, or are you being… I don't know… Are you trying to make it easier for everyone else?"

"I don't think so. Really, Pepper, I feel like this is it, and that's okay. Sure, I'd rather live, but I don't want Tony spending all his time working on it and getting upset when it doesn't work."

She stared at him for a moment and then hugged him again. He felt her breath catch, and he closed his eyes. He was hurting her, and he hated it. He wished it was different. If he could, he'd just enjoy these days, weeks, whatever he had, with the people he loved. All of them. He didn't want to lose Tony to the lab on a mission that would probably never work when he could be with him instead.

He felt Pepper's breath settle, and she straightened up with wet eyes but a big smile. "Have you thought about getting a tattoo?"

"Uh … I'm sixteen. You think I can get one that won't give me hepatitis?"

She considered. "I think you can get most things you want in life if you find the right way to ask and the right person." She winked. "Let me work on it."

Peter laughed. "Sure. Okay. But if May freaks out, I'm blaming you."

She smiled. "I think we'll get away with it."

Peter guessed she was right. May wasn't going to care about a tattoo compared to what else was happening. He was going to be dead soon anyway. May would pick her battles, just like Peter had to.

He couldn't live longer by living safer, so he'd live better while he had the chance, cram as much into however long he had left.

He'd make the most of what he'd been given the way Uncle Ben always taught him to do.

"You know what would make this even cooler?"

Peter thought of Tony being there, but he smiled and said, "No, what?"

Ned lowered his voice. "If you were in your suit. Imagine the picture that would make. Spider-Man holding a spider."

"I'm not holding one yet."

Ned nudged his shoulder. "You will."

The line of kids and parents moved along a step, and Peter licked his lips. He was starting to get nervous, which was ridiculous. He'd faced bigger and scarier things.

Pepper had done the research and found that the Bronx Zoo had a tarantula that you could hold in their encounter zone. It was a weird thing to want to pet, and he hadn't seen anyone else doing it yet. The kids so far in line had chosen to pet snakes and feed bugs to the lizards.

Peter was glad he hadn't seen the spider yet because he was worried he'd wimp out. This had seemed like a good idea back at the tower, but now he was having second thoughts. He started to wish he'd found a different fear to face. The problem was, though, he didn't really have any other fears. Spiders were the one big thing that he still afraid of.

Ned was practically bouncing in his spot as he waited with Peter. He was having a great time, but Peter doubted he would be this excited if he was facing his fear of Ferris wheels.

"You know, this is pretty cool, even without the suit."

Peter smiled. "It is."

He was happy spending time with Ned, May, and Pepper, but he missed Tony. May and Pepper both had their cameras ready for when Peter's turn came up. May had seemed pleased when he'd told her about the list, though he'd been careful not to call it a bucket list. And Pepper was amazing. He hadn't had a chance to spend much time with her before, not until moving into the tower. She'd told him she'd cleared her schedule as much as she could, despite Peter telling her not to worry about it, but she'd said she needed to do it for herself just as much as for him.

The line moved along, and then Peter was at the front. The zookeeper in a green uniform said, "What would you like, kid?"

Peter looked at the tarantula in its tank, his furry legs crawling over a small rock, and swallowed hard. "I'd like to hold a tarantula."

The man nodded, "Sure thing."

He lifted the tank and brought it to the counter and reached inside. Peter's heart skipped, and his breath caught, but he focused on staying calm and not making a fool of himself.

"Hands out, slightly cupped."

Peter held out his hands, fingers creating a shallow bowl, and the huge spider was placed into them. He held his breath as he felt the pointed legs poking his skin.

"Her name is Bessie," the zookeeper said.

Peter nodded as if understanding perfectly why such a scary, dangerous creature had the name of a cow, and said, "Uh-huh … cool."

"Peter, over here," May called, camera at the ready.

Peter turned to the side and forced a smile that felt more like a grimace and said, "Cheese."

May snapped a few pictures, and Peter turned back to the spider, wanting to be ready to drop it if it looked like biting him.

"So cool," Ned breathed.

Pepper came up behind him, leaning around him to see. "How's it going?"

"It's okay," Peter said, then decided to prove his point by lifting the spider a little closer and addressing it. "So, webs, they're cool, right? And pretty useful."

Ned snorted, and Pepper placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're doing great."

Peter considered how long he needed to hold it to count as facing a fear and figured it was probably time to move along so that the kids behind him in line got a chance with their picks, too.

He looked at the beady black eyes, noting how many there were. "I'm glad I didn't end up with spider eyes, too."

Pepper chuckled. "Yeah, that'd be inconvenient."

Peter took a breath, stared at the spider for a moment, and then held it out to the zookeeper. "Okay, I'm done."

The man took the spider back, setting in the tank. "Facing a fear?"

"Definitely," Peter said.

"You did good. I've seen grown men crying when faced with Bessie."

"She's really … great."

"She's a sweetheart."

Peter smiled, wondering at a man that could call a tarantula a sweetheart, and then moved away to where May was standing. She put an arm around his shoulders and said, "You did good."

"I was freaking out," Peter said honestly.

May squeezed him a little tighter. "But you did it anyway."

Peter grinned. "I did, and that's the only scary thing I've got to do."

May raised an eyebrow. "Pepper says there's something about a skydive on your list."

Peter nodded. "Yeah, but that's nothing compared to Bessie."

She laughed. "I'd have to disagree, but if it's what you want to do, we'll make it happen."

Peter smiled. "I know."

That was what they'd all committed to doing, Pepper and May, even Ned, though he didn't know why—he just thought this is some post-accident adrenaline thing—but there was one person Peter wished could be a part of it.

He would really like it if Tony could be with them, too.

"You sure you want to do this?" May asked, sun catching her hair. The cemetery was quiet, sort of peaceful.

Peter nodded. It was something that he should have done a long time ago. He had never been to his uncle's grave, not since the funeral. Maybe that made him coward, but he needed to make the trip before he couldn't anymore.

They walked along the path. Peter tried to remember the way, but couldn't, and that fact bothered him. He should have come before.

May took the lead, stepping over the grass until they reached a grave with a grey marble stone. Peter took a moment, taking a steadying breath before looking down. It had Ben's name on it, the dates of his birth and death, and the words 'Devoted husband and uncle.' Peter swallowed hard.

May bent, picking up the dead flowers laying against the headstone and replaced then with the fresh ones that she'd brought. She touched the engraved name and said, "Hello, Ben. Look who's here."

Peter closed his eyes and willed back the burn of tears.

"Hey, Uncle Ben."

May touched his arm, feather-light at first, and then squeezed. Peter felt like he should say something, but he was too self-conscious with May watching. He'd like to ask to be alone, but that didn't seem fair. She needed to be there, too.

Perhaps she knew what he needed, though, just like always, because she turned and said to him, "I'll be right back," then walked away to the trash can, dumping the flowers inside. Instead of returning, she walked further away and sat down on a bench, averting her eyes.

Feeling more secure, he moved closer to the grave, placing a hand on the top. "Hey," he said awkwardly. "I … uh … I'm sorry I haven't come before." He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "This is dumb." He glanced back at May, who was looking pointedly in the other direction. "Okay, dumb or not, it's on my list, so I'm doing it."

He straightened his shoulders, breathing for a moment before saying, "I don't know if you can hear me, you probably can't since there's no scientific proof of life after death or anything, but … uh…" He glanced at his shoes and then rubbed his palms against his jeans. "I want there to be, though. I mean, I'm going to be dead soon, too, right, and I don't want to just stop after. So, yeah, there's life after death. Sure."

His nerves started to settle, and he took a breath, pushing on. "I'm doing this list, all the things I want to do before I die, and one of them is forgiveness. I have to forgive someone. I figured that'd be easy, I'd just forgive Flash for being a jerk, and that'd be it, but that's cheating. And since the list is for me, I'm cheating myself.

"I've got to forgive someone that matters, and that's the man that killed you. I don't want to do it, Ben. Honestly, I've been holding onto that anger for so long that it's part of me now, but I think I have to let it go."

He closed his eyes, summoning the face of the man that killed Ben and breathing deep, then addressing him as if he was there. "I hated you for what you did, I am always going to hate what happened, but I can forgive you for doing it. I've done things wrong, too. I've messed up. I don't know your story, but I think you must have been desperate when you did it. I've been desperate, too. I've let people down when I couldn't be strong enough." He faltered and looked back at Ben's name on the stone. "I let you down, Uncle Ben. I could have stopped him, and I didn't. You died because of that."

An idea occurred to him, and he held his breath. He thought forgiving the man who had stolen his uncle's life would be the hardest thing on his list, but it wasn't. The hardest was something else, but it was something that he needed to do.

He forced the words out. "And I forgive myself. I was wrong, I let you down, but I can let that go now. I don't want to be there at the end, dying, and still blaming myself. I think that'll make it harder, and it's already going to be tough to say goodbye to everyone else." He straightened his shoulders. "I forgive myself."

He felt the heavy weight that had rested on his shoulders lift. It had been there so long, he had stopped feeling it. Now, though, he felt lighter, like he might float away, and when he breathed in, he was surprised by how easy it was. It had been so long since he could breathe freely.

"I forgive myself," he said again. "I do. I was wrong, I let you down, but I forgive myself for it."

Tears stung his eyes, and he swiped a hand over them, wiping them away. They weren't tears of just sadness or happiness. Maybe they were a strange combination of the two.

He turned and waved May over. She quickly got to her feet and rushed over. She seemed confused at first, perhaps the combination of tears and a smile on Peter's face, but she took a breath, reaching up, wiping his tears away. "You finally did it, didn't you?"

"Did what?"

"You let it go. I can see it. I've watched you every day since Ben died, and I saw that weight on you, but it's gone. You forgave yourself."

Peter nodded. "I did."

Her arms snaked around him, pulling him close. "I'm glad, honey, because it was never your fault.

Peter could argue that, but he didn't. It was his fault, but that didn't matter anymore. When the end came, however long from now it was, he'd be moving on as a free man, as a man that wasn't carrying the guilt anymore.

He thought that would make it a little easier maybe, and he had spoken to Ben, committed to the fact that there was something more when his life ended, and maybe that meant he'd get to see Ben again soon. He could tell him the stories of everything he missed, all the things that had happened to Peter, and what he'd done. He could tell him about Tony and everything the man had done for him, how he had given him the most amazing gifts, gifts that had nothing to do with material things.

Tony made him feel alive again, and that was what he wanted to hang onto now. Feeling alive while he could.

They'd hit a snag that Peter hadn't thought of.

"I'm sorry, Peter," May said. "I should have checked."

"It's fine." He was disappointed, though. They'd arrived at the center where the hot air balloon rides began, and he had to climb into the basket. He could walk really well now with his braces, though he was tiring much faster, but there was no way he could climb into the basket.

"No, it's not." May was obviously upset. She was the one that had arranged this experience, and he could tell she was upset that they weren't going to be able to do it.

The man that ran the ride was older and wouldn't be able to help Peter in.

Pepper looked at him for a moment and then said, "Peter, would you mind if we lifted you in?"

"No, but—" He didn't want to say it, but he didn't think Pepper and May would be able to do it. He wasn't that big, but he was heavy enough, and the side of the basket was high. May and Pepper just weren't strong enough.

Pepper shook her head. "I'll be right back."

She marched back to the parking lot, where Happy was waiting for their return. She opened the passenger door and leaned in. Peter watched as Happy climbed out of his side and then followed her back to the basket.

Peter was feeling a little awkward about this. Happy was great, he really liked him, but he didn't feel that comfortable asking him to manhandle him into the basket. He didn't have the same kind of relationship with him that he did Pepper, who he had grown even closer in the last three weeks.

Happy rubbed his hands together, though, looking perfectly at ease. "What do you need, kid?"

Peter gestured at the basket. "I need to get in, and I can't climb."

Happy examined the basket, then held out his hands and said, "You ready?"

Peter nodded and then waited as May held up a hand. "Let Pepper and me get in first."

With an ease that made Peter jealous, they climbed into the basket, and Pepper said, "Go ahead, Happy."

Happy bent and hefted Peter into his arms, taking a step forward and tipped—there was no other word for it—Peter into Pepper and May's waiting arms. It made his sore muscles throb, and his heart race against the strain, but he didn't allow it to show.

It was so undignified, and Peter felt so much like a toddler being handed from parent to parent that he laughed. It was ridiculous, but it was done. He was getting to go on his ride, and that was what he'd been excited about all morning.

"I'll keep an eye out for when you get back," Happy said, dusting off his hands and walking back to the car.

Pepper and May settled Peter on his feet, and he gripped the edge. There was a time, not that long ago, that being carried around like that by Happy would have devastated him, but now he saw the fun in it, and the care. Happy hadn't minded and didn't even seem to see it as any different from shaking Peter's hand, even though they'd never been that close physically before. Peter was reminded, once again, of how lucky he was to have these people in his life and just how much they all meant to him.

"Okay, going up," the man said, and there was a rush of heat above them as he pulled a cord and sent the gas flame up, filling the balloon with hot air.

Peter felt them rising, and he grinned at Pepper and May as they steadied themselves on the sides of the basket. He looked down at the ground, watching it recede beneath them as they rose, and let himself feel the moment. This was an experience. This was life. This was good.

So… A little more of what's coming. We've not just got angst in store for you. We have some nice fluffy bonding moments.

Until next time…

Clowns or Midgets xxx