Author's Note:
Here's another part of this chapter.
Ps. The playlist has been updated in "secret admirer."
And earlier chapters have been edited for formatting.
All the details I keep wanting to add make it longer.
Hope you enjoy :D
Let me know your thoughts,
bobbiejelly
PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
A long long time ago, that first night Addison and Meredith shared at Joe's together...
Somewhere along in the bitterness Meredith might have expected Addison to chew her out or to demean her for all the damage she's done to her marriage, or for Meredith to chew Addison out or to demean her for cheating on Derek with Mark or for telling her she shouldn't go back to him right away.
But Addison doesn't. And Meredith doesn't. And neither of them wants to try to even go there now.
So instead they just sit together, feeling all alone in the Emerald City Bar as they stir their drinks with their straws and let the sharp bite of the ice cubes feel cool upon their weary lips.
And for some inexplicable reason Meredith and Addison each feel somehow soothed by the solemn grace that is their current and unlikely companionship.
END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by me, bobbiejelly . NOW RATED E FOR EXPLICIT. You're welcome :)
Chapter 32: It's The End Of The World, Part Three
Chapter Summary: Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Again. Things spiral from there.
Meredith Grey is currently sitting by herself at the Emerald City Bar.
She's sitting on a bar stool that had recently (unbeknownst to Meredith,) been occupied by none other than Addison Forbes Montgomery, for whom Meredith was impatiently waiting for.
She's sitting on a barstool she had previously sat on waiting for Derek Christopher Shepherd, but now HE was the last person she wanted to see.
She's sitting on a barstool, waiting for Addison Montgomery, no-longer-Sheppherd, with her coat and her purse on the stool next to her to save that seat only for HER.
Something about this situation, this bar, her alone, her staring into the bitterness seems so familiar, yet not comforting in the least bit.
It makes her feel like a little girl, like the time she was riding the carousel and felt it would never ever ever stop turning, as she watched her mother fight with Richard Webber and Ellis Grey was raising her voice and Meredith was all alone, just turn and turning again...
Meredith has been downing alcohol-free-vanilla-flavored-Italian-sodas-with-extra-ice-and-extra-cherries by the bucketload for the better part of a half-hour now, and Joe and Walter are starting to get worried she'll get a toothache from all of the sugar.
(She doesn't want to get a toothache, she just wants to keep tasting sweet cherry and also vanilla…)
"I'm switching you to just water-with-extra-ice for a while so you don't get Diabetes," Joe says to Meredith, apologetically.
"Can I at LEAST have the cherries?" Meredith asks him, insistently.
"Cocktail cherries are coated in sugar syrup. Trust me, you'll be grateful in the morning when you don't have a tummy ache," Walter says calmly to her.
"Now, do you want to talk about it?" Joe offers to Meredith, without elaborating on what "it" might be.
"You're not gonna say anything to Addison or to Derek or to anyone else what I say here, right?" Meredith makes them pinky swear to her and promise.
(Meredith has no idea just HOW GOOD that Joe and Walter are, at keeping people's secrets…)
"Okay, so I'm deciding between two people…" Meredith finally begins as Joe and Walter nod at her, while being exceptional actors in their own right as they show no revealing emotions at all.
"And?" Joe nods for her to go on.
"Well, first of all, there was Derek. But he's not someone that I'm deciding between because his hat is already tossed out of my metaphorical ring," Meredith starts to explain.
"And then there is this 'mystery person' after Derek," Meredith finally explains to them.
And Walter and Joe each nod while giving each other a knowing look for a split second that Meredith doesn't notice because she's too busy trying to dig out an ice chip from her empty Italian Soda to look at them both at that moment.
"See, the other while ago, the last time I was here, I was waiting for Derek. But Derek never showed up. I know that part for sure. And then I had four or five or six or ten tequila shots in front of me, and I don't remember talking to anyone or anything at all after that…"
Meredith continues to explain to them as they both try to fit this puzzle together in their minds with what they already knew to be true, from what they had seen, and from what Addison told them.
"My last memory from that evening happened when I was so drunk. That's it. I remember thinking 'I hate Derek for not coming because all I want to do is either Marry Him or Drown Myself, and I feel like I'm doing the second option, only in tequila, and not actually drowning unless that's what you call it when you get blackout drunk off of tequila," Meredith rants.
"But I never married Derek. Because Derek never showed up. And instead, when I woke up the next morning I had this note in my kitchen saying my name and 'thanks for the memories' which was sort of vaguely crossed out and not really with no name, no nothing. And there was a glass of water by my note with aspirin for me to take before work. And I took it." Meredith explains.
"And my potted plant was replanted and set down on my counter. And the roots were all kinky and it wasn't straight at all anymore even if it still looked well cared for. And that's the only other hint that I have except that I found my coat on my coat rack. I mean who the hell even uses coat racks these days?" Meredith waves her hands so much that Joe takes Meredith's glasses away until she stops waving her hands in the air.
And then Meredith pouts at him so he finally gives her her half-finished soda and water again.
"But you got home safe?" Joe confirms to her.
"Yeah, I got home safe I guess. I have no idea how. I don't remember being at the bar or leaving the bar or walking or driving or I could have teleported for all I remember," Meredith says to them, realizing she sounds a little bit pathetic at that one.
"And I woke up in the same clothes I had on that day. Nothing even was taken off except for my coat. And I guess that's how I knew nothing happened between me and anyone. Because when I have drunken tequila lay sex, it always happens when I'm completely naked and-"
Meredith was going to go on about that but Joe cuts her off firmly to tell her that "Walter and I really don't like to hear about other people's sex lives in that graphic a detail," to Meredith.
"Right." Meredith huffs a bit and takes another ice chip out with her bare fingers.
"So I knew no one tried to have sex with me. And no one kissed me either because my lipstick was still on and there were no smears or nothing," Meredith says to them, in explanation, but she sees Walter and Joe look at each other and sigh in relief.
"WHAT?" Meredith asks them.
"It's just we're really glad you got home safe and nothing happened without your consent, that's all," Walter says to her honestly.
"We were worried about you. You hadn't been that drunk a while and we just wanted to be sure. It's a relief to hear." Joe says to her truthfully.
"Well, they were sort of a thief. Or not a thief? They stole my house key to lock the door behind them but then I got it back under my doormat after," Meredith says to them.
And at the word 'doormat', Joe and Walter each have a flash of recognition in their minds about George asking Addison if 'she had a thing for doormats' and about Addison's red and green scarf she was wearing.
So Walter and Joe start to piece together in their minds what might have happened with Addison returning the key to Meredith secretly, though they weren't exactly sure if the scarf part was relevant just yet…
"So yeah this 'mystery person' literally has not said a word to me after that night. I have no idea who they are. I thought I didn't care so I threw out the note. Maybe Cristina has it, but I have no idea if she does and she's not answering any of my text messages. And neither is Izzie so I bet those two are together now…" Meredith rambles on.
"And a part of me wants to get to know and meet this 'mystery person' and thank them for all that they did. But also slap them maybe because they never said anything at all to me and it has been AGES, and I can't tell if they give a crap about me and just wanted to wait until I was ready to move on from Derek, or if they were or are ashamed in helping me home, or if they just do nice things like that for no reason all the time and can't even remember to care that it happened," Meredith groans at all of the possibilities.
"If it could be anyone, who would you want your 'mystery person' to be?" Walter asks her.
"I don't know, someone hot with an accent? Like maybe Australian, or Italian, or Irish…?" Meredith shrugs.
"I thought for sure it was a boy at first glance. But then it could be a girl. And I swing either way. So that's not really the point. But I don't know if I even care at all about this goddamn game because truthfully I'm kind of hung up on somebody else…" Meredith sighs with a heave.
"Are you going to give us any names?" Joe asks her the same teasing way he asked Addison, earlier.
"No," Meredith deadpans, in a way that resembles Addison so sharply that Joe and Walter have to bite their tongue not to smirk or have a reaction.
But Meredith is off fantasizing about doing domestic things with Addison, or going on a vacation together, like maybe to Hawaii… So she doesn't notice anything that happened on Joe and Walter's faces.
"So this person I sorta kinda like, they're just. Okay, fine it's a woman. Just so you know. But you knew I like women anyhow I'm sure. So anyways…" Meredith begins now, not even knowing where to start.
"You'd think she would be the most inappropriate person to have inappropriate feelings to want to have inappropriate sex within inappropriate places in inappropriate ways…" Meredith starts to go there but Walter cuts her off AGAIN from that trail of thoughts.
"But she's just like an enigma. Red hair. Like she could be the entire COLOR. Red. Like she could be better than the color. And she always smells nice and she's so freaking nice and caring towards everyone even though she JUST moved to Seattle to chase after her stupid ex-husband who was my stupid ex-boyfriend and OHMYGOD NOW YOU KNOW I'M TALKING ABOUT ADDISON, NOW!?"
Meredith freaks out again and knocks over her water glass in her flailing before Joe can manage to take it away from her, so she helps to mop up the water with some paper towel, and at least the cold water over her hands helps her to calm down from her panic.
"We won't tell Addison. We promise. You can keep talking about her all night and day and we won't tell a soul about her or your 'mystery person' things either," Joe says firmly to her, playing along as if these two were really two separate people as Meredith seems to believe still.
"I'm like 97% sure that I want her. And want her, WANT her, like already love her even if I'm not IN LOVE with her… Yet, but I could be if she ever lets me love her as I wanna love her…" Meredith says to them wistfully.
"You're looking at the door to make sure I'm not going to go all 'true confessions' and keep talking about her as she comes in, right?" Meredith exclaims in another panic.
"We'll give you a heads up if we spot her," says Joe.
"I'll be on the lookout," says Walter, kindly, as he posts himself by the door so he can nod at Joe to tell Meredith to stop talking if Addison walks into the building.
"So I really always liked Addison. I wanted to hate her but I couldn't and then, now, she's just been trying to be my friend and she's such a cool friend. Did you know she let me drive her car? I still have her car keys…"
Meredith thumbs over hers and Addison's keys in her hands.
She thumbs over the door key to Addison's black Mercedes and runs it between her forefingers and thumb. Meredith loves doing this, she doesn't know why, but it always feels like she's closer to Addison when she does this...
"You'd think that after all the shit we went through she would say to me something like 'why don't you pick a floor and I pick a floor because I could really use a moment WITHOUT you…' Right?" Meredith says to them.
"But instead she's not like that. She once even told me 'good girl' for not going back to Derek. And she defended me to a patient the very first day she was here. She explained that she'd cheated on McDreamy. And Derek told me it was his best friend Mark she had slept with. And whoever this Mark person is I want to punch them in the face because they got to have adulterous sex with Addison Forbes Montgomery…" Meredith rants.
"Not that I want to have adulterous sex with her. I mean, I sort of did. Or at least my body did and still does. I mean I want her... But I would never let her have an affair with me because her last affair broke up a ten plus year marriage and made her move cities and I ended up with her ex-but-not-ex and I just ... I don't want to hurt her…" Meredith says to him tenderly.
"She did one thing wrong and she owned up to it, which is more than Derek ever did to anyone, ever. He was sort of a liar. But anyways, Addison just looked like she was hurting after her divorce that's why I called you and told you to send her a drink from a 'secret admirer' because I know it made me feel better for a while when I thought I had lots of people falling at my feet…" Meredith tries to justify.
"Do you care if she finds out that drink was from you?" Joe asks her.
"I don't know, maybe? Soon? I'm not ready. Maybe? Because I don't know if SHE is ready because she just got a divorce but I know I can't start dating her until I come clean to her about sending her a 'secret admirer' drink and also that the reason I'm here not drinking tonight is that I'm covering HER service for questions but only Bailey knows that but she's not gonna tell and I also started making her a 'secret admirer' mixtape…" Meredith sort of rambles.
"So you like to do nice things for her… To brighten her day but without taking credit for it all?" Walter asks her a bit skeptically.
"Yeah." Meredith shrugs at him.
"Why is that?" Walter asks her.
Walter was philosophically speaking in double-speak to Joe with that one, asking Joe the rhetorical question 'why is that, that Meredith wants to do secret favors for Addison, while at the same time Addison wants to do secret favors for Meredith while tangling themselves up in a web of lies that are actually all about caring for each other more than they want to admit…?'
"Well I don't want her to think I'm some lame suck-up, or that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons like so she's picking me to be her teacher's pet at work, or that I'm getting back at her for Derek or trying to win Derek back by getting with her and making him jealous or I'm fooling around with her because she just came out to us or…" Meredith rants without taking a breath.
"Have you told her any or all of this?" Joe asks her.
"No," Meredith says to him.
"Would you?" he asks.
"Well, but I don't know why she'd even want me back. I'm just an intern and I got mommy issues and daddy issues and I don't use coasters and I live with roommates and I'm a mess and I was her ex-husband's ex-mistress/girlfriend and I'm just not as formidable as SHE is…" Meredith sighs.
"She deserves the love that is better than Derek. But I don't know if that means me or not me. I think she deserves to be loved no matter how broken or bruised, to be loved like she's whole but without trying to change her or fix her…" Meredith finally says.
"She deserves better than me, I think… I don't think I'm enough for her to deserve me…Plus she's older than me so I bet she's seen much hotter people in her life than I am" Meredith sighs.
"But you two get along well?" Joe asks her.
"We do when we hang out we do. And when I touch her - not like in a creepy way but just like when she was falling asleep in my arms it just felt so right. And I just can't get her out of my head," Meredith says to them with big blue pleading eyes.
"You held her as she was falling asleep?" Walter pops in with this question.
"She was so, so tired. And we were in a supply closet and didn't laugh at that there was nowhere with a bed where people weren't screwing," Meredith says exasperatedly.
"Did you tuck her in at night?" Joe asks her.
"Sorta, I mean I pulled the blankets over both of us and tucked her head into my chest because she fell asleep on my shoulder…" (Meredith decides to omit the part where Derek walked in on them and found out about their nap because she found talking about Derek to be really boring compared to talking about Addison…)
"And she liked that?" Joe asks her.
"She was asleep I'm not sure she remembers…" Meredith says in all pure irony.
"Do you know she tucked me in once, too when she thought I was already asleep?" Meredith continues again.
"WHAT? WHEN?" Walter tries not to exclaim in alarm.
"Yesterday, or today, or whatever in the hospital on-call room. She found me with the blankets untucked and tucked me back in. I was just barely awake but I never moved because I wanted to feel the weight of the palm of her hands on my waist as she curled in the blankets. I woke up in a cacoon…" Meredith says all dreamily.
"That was today?" Joe asks her.
"Yeah," she says.
"Oh," Walter says to her.
"Why?" Meredith asks her.
"Just checking it wasn't yesterday, that's all," Walter says in a sigh.
And Joe and Walter realize she's not remembering the night where THEY had known Addison had tucked Meredith in after the bar thing. This was a whole other memory, entirely.
"You know I haven't slept as soundly as the time she was safe in my arms…" Meredith says dreamily.
"Not even the whole entire time, when I was with Derek…" Meredith makes this idle comparison.
"Addison didn't even care that I snore…" Meredith says wistfully all again.
"So are you still deciding or do you think you've decided?" Joe asks her, now.
"I'm like 97% for Addison right now, at least," Meredith says to them, and the percentages that match Addison's earlier confession just make Joe and Walter smile in a bit of amusement, which Meredith thinks is because she's talking math in a bar.
"What's your final pro-con about the mystery person then?" Joe says.
"They haven't told me in so freaking long," Meredith says.
"What if the mystery person is actually really great and you'd like them if you met them again, but they didn't want you to know, because they didn't want you to love them out of obligation?" Joe offers, treading lightly but wanting to start the ball rolling on that thought.
"Oh, I get that. Sort of like the same reason I wouldn't want Addison to like me because I bought her one drink. That's why I didn't make you order her two drinks…" Meredith says.
"And what if you only want Addison because that's what you know but maybe she's not as perfect as you want to believe," Walter says very gently to her.
"Yeah she's not perfect, but that makes her even better!" Meredith almost yells.
"She's so vulnerable sometimes and it's beautiful. Like she was when I was driving her to get Thai food for Derek and her and I. And she most usually does the right thing she can, and even with the cheating on Derek with Mark thing, I mean she was just so neglected and he must have been there for her and maybe this Mark Sloan person is secretly in love with her?"
"And if Mark Sloan is?" Joe asks her, hypothetically.
"Well I should ask her out and get to her first, I mean everyone is going to be ALL OVER HER tonight and it makes me want to punch someone out with my tiny, ineffectual fists at the thought of it!" Meredith exclaims.
"You know we can't have any violence in the bar, right?" Joe says to her.
"Sorry." Meredith sighs.
"By the way, Meredith, so you know your limit is four straight tequilas in a row. Your eyes glazed over at five," Joe explains to her.
"But I thought I had like six or eight when I had a memory of starting at the empty glasses," Meredith says to him.
"You might have been seeing double by then," Joe says in apology.
"Oh. Right." Meredith says.
"Thanks," she says, after.
"We're not going to let you have more than that, now," he says, and Meredith shows an appreciative smile.
Meredith asks Joe and Walter directly what happened that night, and who the 'mystery person' even is - if they know.
But Walter shakes his head at her, and Joe says that 'it's not our story to tell you,' very simply.
"They trusted us the same way you trusted us to not tell Addison you are her 'secret admirer' so you know, and understand," Joe finally says to her.
(In the EXACT same way, in fact… Joe and Walter are thinking at each other now, but only in their heads…)
"But-" Meredith starts to protest.
"Look, we'll tell you you got home safe. That we trusted the person who got you home. That you got helped home and care for with someone we think you can grow up into trusting. Someone good. Someone beautiful." Joe finally finishes saying to her.
"Beautiful how?" Meredith tries to pry them for answers.
"Not going to happen, Grey. We've given you plenty already as it is…" Walter cuts in.
So Meredith sighs and goes back to just talking about Addison, again.
"Do you think that I'm ready to love someone? Do you think Addison is ready to let someone love her in the way she deserves?" she asks Joe.
"Look, if I was a God, and had to pick someone to be in love with Addison; for her to fall madly in love with, it would be you, you know," Walter says softly. (In the exact same way he had said the opposite, to Addison, earlier.) Walter hasn't spoken that much to Meredith, ever, before that evening. But the words he is saying to her now are the most magical and meaningful words he could ever say.
"If you were the one loving Addison, you'd love her in a way that respected her more. She deserved more love than Derek or any boy she had been with had to offer her," he says.
And Meredith somehow thinks that this phrase sounds vaguely familiar. Maybe HER memory wasn't as clear-cut as she thought.
When he says to HER 'we accept the love we think we deserve', "But we know YOU know that. We know that you think that for Addison…"
That's the moment Meredith remembers that phrase being said around here an awful lot in recent times. Like how she said it to Bailey, about her problems. Or to Cristina when she didn't think she deserved to be loved by Izzie.
And now Meredith thinks about having said that phrase to Addison while massaging her shoulders, and how it's true that she thinks about that time a whole lot…
"Look, no matter who she is to you, and what kind of relationship that is, either way, you treated Addison Montgomery TODAY, at least, on her divorce day based on what you told us about driving her… It's just much better than Derek ever did the whole time he was seeing her, based on what we heard and know. You weren't around for that, then. But we were around for some of it. And we were a bit worried when they went home together even though they were married and even more after all of this drama." Joe says to her.
"But if she were to eventually go home with you, we would never have those sorts of doubts…" Joe says as Walter nods along with him, and they're saying this in future tense because they do mean the future.
Because even though THEY know about Addison having taken Meredith home in the past, they're talking now about Meredith taking care of Addison and taking her home in the FUTURE.
Because Meredith was most broken and bruised that night a long time ago, but it was Addison who was going to be in need of some comfort, before long, they sort of guessed.
"But what if I can never decide?" Meredith asks them.
He says "when the time is right, I think you'll know, and that's all," Joe says to her.
"Trust yourself -do you think you can?" Walter asks her.
"I think I'm growing up into someone people can trust," Meredith says to them now.
"I'm over Derek now and I have my friends at my side. I'm building up more self-respect and I'm trying to get it together," Meredith says to them confidently.
"I just have to take the leap, now or never, before long. I don't want to be like Derek when he just ditched me at a bar without giving me a yes or a no. I want to make a decision and stick with it," Meredith says.
"With either Addison or the mystery person, either way, once I know who that is and once I know I'll decide, and I won't look back and I won't wanna string the other poor person along," Meredith says, wanting to be better than what Derek did to both her AND Addison, at one point.
"Whatever makes you happy," Joe says to her finally.
"Whatever makes the person I choose, happy," Meredith insists on.
And it makes Walter and Joe almost to swoon at how perfect her answer is.
(And as Meredith picks the last ice chips out of her glass, still looking around every two minutes for Addison to arrive, Walter and Joe look at each other hopefully, hoping that all this will work out in their favor, for both Meredith and Addison.)
(Because they think they could be something beautiful, someone extraordinary, even if they are both more than ordinary apart. And it would be one of the great joys of their lives, if they ever get to watch it all play out, in front of their very own eyes…)
Meanwhile,
"Wow, I'm so stuffed from all that Italian food. We still have to make sure they don't give Meredith more than 4 shots tonight!" Izzie says to Cristina.
"And also, you know…" Cristina says vaguely.
"We have to talk to Joe!" Izzie says.
So Izzie and Cristina come to Joe's after Italian.
They wordlessly exchange a look with Joe and Walter to let them know he won't tell what he knows about the whole 'mystery person' plus the new 'secret admirer' thing going on, and that seems to placate both Cristina and Izzie, who, much like Joe and Walter, firmly believe that the girls need to work this one out for themselves.
Cristina asks Joe not to give Mer more than 4 shots because she blacked out the other night.
And Joe says he won't, but Mer isn't drinking tonight anyhow.
And that he's keeping an eye on Addison, but Meredith seems to have that handled.
Cristina sulks when she wasn't chosen to be on call like Meredith was, but orders a rum and coke each, for herself and Izzie.
The girls settle down to chat again, and they find that Alex is there and they just play darts until George arrives with the fries.
"You're not Addison,"
Meredith says to the voice of the boy who is hovering behind her.
"I'm not Addison but I am holding fries for you,"
George offers fries to Meredith like he says he would.
Meredith says thank you and George asks to sit but she says no and that She's saving this seat only for Addison.
He asks Meredith, then if she's having an affair with Addison.
"NO! I'm not being a dirty mistress again. And she doesn't need to be an adulterous whore anymore. She's just better than that, I can't believe you would think that!" Meredith sort of yelps at him.
"Sorry, I just, you seemed to be close and she came to your house to help with the cake while we had the car. I just was checking, that's all," George says to her, simply.
"Did you mess up my car in any way, George?" Meredith asks him.
"We cleaned up after I promise, we did!" George says to her.
"EW George, and also Alex, gross! Never tell anyone that you said that to me. Ever! I'd rather not even know!" Meredith says to him.
"Sorry," George mumbles.
"Thanks for the fries," Meredith says.
"You're welcome," says George, genuinely. "Thanks for letting us borrow your car."
"Are you going to go play darts with Izzie and Cristina and Alex?" Meredith asks him.
"You know, at one point I was sort of in love with you," George starts to admit to her.
"WHAT?" Meredith whips around at him, totally confused.
"I'm not anymore. But I was, and I just wanted you to know you're worth loving, that's all. We accept the love we think we deserve, Meredith. And that's all. I'm glad that nothing ever happened between us, though. Not that you're not hot. But I just think that if I had one night with you, rather than nothing at all than it would have been different for us. And I'm glad that it's not," George finally says to Meredith.
"We accept the love we think we deserve, George. And you can tell that to Alex, from me, too, by the way," Meredith says to him genuinely.
"And I'm glad you're my friend and nothing ever changed. And I hope you keep it that way with Cristina and also Izzie because that would be weird also," Meredith says to him.
"I think I'd rather jump in front of a moving bus than to do Izzie or Cristina," says George.
"I mean they're great and all but they're a thing and I and Alex are a thing and we're just better off than whatever alternate universe that would have anything else…" George finally says to her.
"You know, when Addison was here earlier, me and Alex sort of asked her for a threesome. She turned us down. Twice." George finally admits to her.
"YOU ASKED ADDISON FORBES MONTGOMERY FOR A THREESOME WITH YOUR ALEX- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND. GOD, YOU'RE BOTH SUCH BOYS. I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU I KNOW SHE'S ALL MCHOT AND LEGGY AND FABULOUS BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE HAS TO BE A PART OF YOUR WEIRD MAN-DESIRE TO SCREW A LESBIAN OR BISEXUAL OR WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT IT IS ABOUT BOYS LIKING GROUP SEX AND QUEER WOMEN THEY CAN'T HAVE BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL! STAY AWAY FROM DOCTOR MONTGOMERY, ALRIGHT!"
Meredith is yelling now, and everyone is staring at her. George says he's sorry with big McBambi eyes, and Meredith strokes his hair and says she's sorry for yelling, and that she's madder at Alex than at George anyhow.
And Meredith apologizes to everyone in the bar, to Walter and Joe, and she doesn't look Izzie or Cristina in the eyes after that because she just KNOWS they are smirking at her, and she doesn't want them to make her blush even more than she already is.
In a COMICAL, like 'sitcom-worthy' situation of bad or good timing (whichever)...
The 'very McHot and leggy and fabulous' Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery arrives about ten seconds later, ringing the door open to Emerald City Bar.
"ADDISON!" Meredith explains in excitement.
"Thank GOD you're not DEREK!" Meredith says, secondly.
And Addison chuckles at the fact that last time they were here, Meredith was saying the exact opposite of everything she just said.
"It's good to see you, Meredith," Addison says to her smoothly.
"I've missed you," Meredith gushes before stopping herself.
"I've missed you too," Addison says with a sigh.
"How long has it been since you two have seen each other?" Joe perks in with the question.
"A few hours, maybe it was like seven or eight-ish when we had Pad Thai for dinner?" Addison suggests to Meredith.
"Yeah it was seven-thirty when we got dinner, see this is the pickup order time I have it on my phone from when we GPS'd the instructions," Meredith smiles at her.
And the ten-bazillion-watt smile each of them is giving the other right now is better than anything, either of them, could ever truly imagine.
Meredith goes back to sit at the barstool now, not trusting herself to hug Addison without making a scene in front of everyone else.
And Addison comes up to Meredith right behind her, and Meredith motions for her to sit, moving her purse and her coat off the barstool and gesturing to the chair.
Just like the first night, just like the last time.
Except that this time, unlike the last time...
There's no hesitation at all in her step, as Addison meets Meredith's eyes.
Meredith offers for Addison to sit, and Addison does.
And Meredith grins now, in acquiescence.
"What are you drinking?" Addison asks Meredith, pointing to her glass.
"They made me switch to water, thinking that I'd get a tummyache," Meredith sighs as she says that it's water.
"Well that's gallant of them," Addison smiles and winks 'thank you' to Joe and Walter.
"It's not even ALCOHOL! They cut me off from drinking SODA!" Meredith deadpans at her rather incredulously.
(She doesn't want to explain to Addison the whole 'it was vanilla and cherry flavored' - because I'm pretty sure that's what kissing you would taste like, thing so she just leaves this at that.)
"Well, too much sugar isn't good for your pancreas," Addison says to her with a smirk.
"Oh, says the person who eats all the skittles and junior caramels right out of the BOX!" Meredith smirks back at her.
"Ah, no, I believe that was YOU!" Addison says in fake annoyance.
"And you were gulping down the Doctor Pepper as you'd never see liquid again!" Meredith teases her right back.
"And you were gulping down the cake and you only offered me one tiny slice!" Addison says right back to Meredith.
"You had your own piece waiting for you in your office. You're lucky I even let you have that little bit!" Meredith says in fake annoyance as well.
"Which was delicious as well, after I'd digested my dinner," Addison says in a smile.
(Addison doesn't want to say "I couldn't eat it in front of you, Meredith, without moaning obscenely, because I'm pretty sure that that's what kissing you might taste like…)
"It was a good cake…" Meredith says with a sigh.
"It was…" Addison says with a sigh as well.
"Why did you run off to spend time with DEREK?" Meredith says with a bit of a bite to Addison.
"I was worried he'd drink himself under the table - his actual table - in his actual office…" Addison says with a sigh.
"I mean, I guess he has a right to drink himself under the table for two weeks if he wants, to, just like you do if you want to, I mean you just got a freaking divorce for heck's sake…" And Addison smiles sadly at Meredith saying this to her, because she remembers the last time she'd said it and how it brought back bad memories for her about her mother's Alzheimer's.
"He didn't get too drunk though, he just went to visit John, the patient. He says hi by the way," Addison changes the subject distinctly.
"Who says hi?" Meredith asks because there are two "he" people in that last sentence.
"Oh, umm, both? I guess?" Addison doesn't know how to handle that question without saying something stupid.
(Something stupid, like... My ex-husband, knowingly wished me good luck to get into you - his ex-girlfriend/mistress's pants, because I confessed to him about having a thing for you and being your mystery person while we were waiting to sign the final papers as a parting gift for him saying he's sort of gay and has always had a thing for his best friend Mark Sloan who you haven't met yet…)
"Umm, thanks, I guess?" Meredith mirrors her tone and it's adorable so Addison only laughs.
"I'm so sorry I took so long," Addison apologizes genuinely to her.
"Oh, I mean don't be sorry for making sure Derek is alive. I mean I don't want him anymore and I guess you don't because you divorced him and you're sitting here now… And I mean I still don't want Derek to be like, dead and hit by a truck or anything or like becoming an alcoholic over a bad breakup, I mean I still want him to be like, okay," Meredith offers to Addison.
"That's sweet of you, Meredith," Addison doesn't know to say more.
"I still kinda want to yell at him," Meredith says to Addison, and Addison nods sort of vaguely before Meredith ever elaborates.
(Meredith is thinking something like 'I WANT TO YELL AT HIM FOR NEGLECTING HIS SUPER SUPER SUPER SEXY OF A WIFE WHO'S SITTING BY ME RIGHT NOW AND HOLY FUCK HER SCARF LOOKS SO SEXY AND I JUST WANNA UNRAVEL IT ALL…)
"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you were first here. Joe said you'd already been but that he didn't know if you were coming back and I just…"
Addison catches it before Meredith starts to say more.
"I don't think I'm mad you took long because I think- Were you so late because of all of… this?" Addison makes a motion that's gesturing up and down Meredith's body.
(As she's raking her eyes up and down Meredith's body and holy shit, she's drop-dead-gorgeous and Addison is trying hard not to swallow hard at the sight…)
"Maybe…" Meredith looks down shyly and blushes.
(She was waiting for Addison to compliment her on the outfit that Addison herself had picked out… Because it was 'just so Addison' to do that, but when the moment finally came it made Meredith redden beyond belief and be at a total loss for words now, entirely.)
"Well, it's certainly well worth the wait…" Addison nearly purrs.
"Th-Thanks, I mean you have exquisite taste…" Meredith says before she can stutter again.
"Well, I think it's actually YOUR taste, I mean I found all of this in YOUR ROOM," Addison insists to her, humbly.
"Well, YOU put it together!" Meredith insists, to her, strongly.
And Addison smiles and concedes, and says that she's impressed even herself with her choice.
And Meredith doesn't want this all to be super one-sided so she says that she really loves Addison's scarf. And she says "it's not weird red-and-green-thing even though usually that's weird like too much Christmas but with Addison's hair it looks…"
And Meredith can't even come up with an adjective to describe how- just drop-dead-gorgeous Addison is now.
(As always, but especially NOW!)
So Meredith leaves it at a half-thought.
And Meredith feels like she's won the lottery when it's Addison's turn to blush now.
And when the redness creeps up Addison's pale skin it makes Meredith bite her cheek not to moan out or something.
"You know, it's not your job anymore, Derek isn't your job. He needs to stand on his own two feet and not use you or me for his emotional support," Meredith says seriously to Addison.
"Oh," Addison says to her as if she's never considered it.
"You've helped him through, too, you know. You helped him understand that day he thought I saw sleeping around on him again, you stood up to him, you know and I never thanked you for that fully," Addison says to her.
"You're too kind for your own good sometimes, you know," Meredith says to her in a passion, before she can decide to regret it.
"So are you…" Addison says right away in reaction. "You're too good for your own good, sometimes…" Addison finishes her sentence.
And there's a moment where they look at each other in silence.
They don't know what to say, because they want to say everything and anything and all of it.
But they also just want to enjoy this warm silence, enjoying each other's presence.
Somewhere along in the bitterness…
Meredith might have expected Addison to chew her out and demand to know if she was her 'secret admirer' who sent her a drink earlier in that evening.
Or for Meredith to chew Addison out to demand to know if she's the goddamn 'mystery person' who sent her that note and the aspirins in the morning.
But Addison doesn't. And Meredith doesn't. And neither of them wants to try to even go there now.
So instead they just sit together, feeling not at all alone anymore, in the Emerald City Bar as they stir their drinks with their straws and let the sharp bite of the ice cubes feel cool upon their weary lips.
And for some inexplicable reason Meredith and Addison each feel somehow soothed by the solemn grace that is their current - and no longer at all unlikely, companionship.
Meanwhile,
Derek Shepherd sits by John and asks him if he's insane if he's relieved but still angry that his ex-wife has the hots for his ex-girlfriend.
"Well, can you blame your wife for having such exquisite taste?" John asks him with a bit of a tease.
"Well, no. I guess I can't," Derek says to him back.
"Case in point," says John.
"I still want them both to be happy," says Derek, wistfully.
"And what if that happens to be with each other?" John asks Derek directly.
"I think I need another scotch," Derek laughs.
"I won't tell," Johns says. "But can I text your ex-wife from your phone a message, for a second?" he asks.
"Sure, she likes you," Derek says to him, trustingly as John had shared with only him the letter from Raj that he had received.
Text Message, 21:49, Location: Seattle
Derek Christopher Shepherd to Addison Forbes Montgomery
DEREK
[This is John the patient borrowing Derek's phone.]
[Derek is safe here with me.]
[I won't let him drink himself under the table.]
[Not alone, at least.]
[Good luck.]
[And be honest.]
[Yours, truly, John.]
Derek Christopher Shepherd marks this conversation as 'read'.
When Derek reads these messages on his phone later, he smiles at John's wisdom to give Addison the reassurance she needed to let go of her guilt for the evening.
Meanwhile,
"You know, Meredith just told me off for asking Addison to have a threesome with us," George says to Alex but in front of Izzie and Cristina.
"She really does have the same scarf," Alex says to him.
"What scarf?" Izzie asks him, with interest.
"So Addison has this scarf, and there was this girl wandering around our house a while back, who was examining our doormat. Then she sort of ran away. She looked like Addison," says Alex.
"And when we asked Addison if she had a thing for doormats she just said she almost tripped on Meredith's doormat when she was there like, earlier with the cake and stuff," George says.
"Well, she WAS getting the cake at Meredith's house," Cristina chimes in.
"Wait, go back to you saying someone was sneaking around the house looking at the doormat - when was that?" Izzie asks.
When they tell her, Izzie has the recognition to place this with when Meredith suddenly had her house key back, and Addison no longer had an extra one.
"Guys, I think Addison had Meredith's house key, and she was sneaking around the house and around the doormat because she was returning it!" Izzie pieces most of the story together.
And the boys consider this part of the story thing and try to make sense of it all.
"But why would Addison have Meredith's house key?" Alex asks her.
"I asked Meredith if she was having an affair with Addison but she wanted to bite my head off and she said that she wasn't" George just shrugs at them.
"Well, I mean Meredith had Addison's car keys, earlier. It can't be THAT weird, can it?" Cristina says, trying to diffuse the situation...
Meanwhile,
Addison and Meredith are talking about the potted plant again.
"Thanks for getting the right plant food. I haven't had a chance to feed it yet, poor thing, but at least I know the food's compatible thanks to your expertise," Meredith says to Addison,
"No problem, thank YOU for driving," Addison says to her very genuinely.
"I'm still keeping your keys, hostage because you're drinking tonight!" Meredith says to Addison, and Addison smiles both at the 'knight in shining whatever' sort of gesture, and also as she sees Meredith running her fingers over the keys as she had done with Meredith's.
"Mm, you know these Gin and Tonics are delicious…" Addison says off-topic because she's starting to feel the effects of the drinks.
"How many is that for you?" Meredith says to her all concerned.
"Mm, two maybe three?" Addison says it's a bit uncertain.
"JOE! Cut her off at FOUR, would you?" Meredith calls out to him as he and Walter give Meredith a thumbs up.
"I'm NOT A LIGHTWEIGHT!" Addison says a bit offended but mostly moved by Meredith's intense care of her.
"Look, even if you're not there's enough gross stuff at work. Look if you were to be sick I'd hold your hair and do the back rubbing thing and stay with you, but personally I hate getting sick from drinking and I don't want you to have that happen to you if we can help it," Meredith says to her.
(And the precious 'we' that slipped into Meredith's sentence just now is tangling beautiful butterflies all up in Addison's being…)
"You treat that plant so well, you know," Meredith says to Addison in appreciation.
"I have a certain fondness for it," Addison tries to sound casual.
(And not like, "I feel guilty about that plant because it's sort of my fault I bumped into you and you bumped into it and it fell off the counter on the night you don't remember anymore… And I feel like it's my fault it's broken so I want to help it become all healed and whole all over again…)
"You have a certain fondness for taking care of broken things," Meredith says philosophically.
"I'm s surgeon, Grey. It comes with the territory. And for what it's worth, so are you…" Addison says semi-coherently.
"I'm very fond of you, you know," Meredith says to Addison, and that's the closest thing to a sort of confession she can manage yet.
(About the 'secret admirer' thing. About the 'taking over your service' thing. About the 'I really freaking like you, thing…')
"I'm very fond of you, too you know," Addison says, to Meredith and that's the closest thing to a sort of confession she can manage yet.
(About the 'mystery person' thing. About the 'tucking you in at least twice' thing. About the 'I really freaking like you, thing…')
And all of the rushes of emotions takes over Meredith now, as she sees Addison looking at her, so powerfully.
And Meredith sees in her eyes that she also might be about to say something profound to her, about her, about who knows what but maybe she's thinking it too…
And it's just all so overwhelming because it might be REALLY REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
And it's all just so sudden and real and intense.
And Meredith can't imagine again how nice Addison is, and how she doesn't think that she's good enough for her (even though Addison is thinking the very same thing about Meredith…)
They think of confessing but can't seem to get the words out… So Meredith changes the subject, instead.
"You know, the reason I was so sad when I thought you weren't coming, earlier, is because most people who ever loved me once abandoned me. My father left when I was five…"
Meredith says this all sad, now, and Addison can't help to reach an arm around the blonde's shoulder.
"My father, 'The Captain Montgomery,' was always screwing his secretaries behind everyone's back. He would make me wait with ice cream as an excuse to spend time with random women," Addison says to relate to Meredith's troubles.
"Well it seems we have yet another something to talk about, together," Meredith says to her sweetly.
"Yes, I suppose we do," Addison says to her in a laugh.
(How is it that Meredith, stone-cold-sober, says almost exactly the same things as she said that night when she was drunken, and only I remember… Addison wonders.)
"I'm sorry your dad was a filthy whore," Meredith says to her empathetically.
"Umm, thanks, Meredith," says Addison.
"I think my mommy was a filthy whore as well," Meredith says to her, as Addison tries not to confirm or deny that for her.
"Do you want to hear something funny?" Addison says to take Meredith away from that all.
"YES!" Meredith exclaims immediately.
"My name used to be 'Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd' it really was," she says to her directly, by now convinced that quotes from that first night did not really spark many memories for Meredith.
"HOLY SHIT!" Meredith curses and it makes a smile curl on Addison's lips.
"God, I'm so glad I never ended up with Derek's name, either. Can you imagine someone calling me 'Mrs. Shepherd' at some sort of breakfast fundraiser?" Meredith exclaims to Addison loudly.
"I think if that happened, hypothetically, I mean, that you would scream at Derek something about needing to be rewarded with lots and lots of sex, and then him saying something like 'yes, dear'," Addison manages to say all of that without her voice breaking anywhere.
"Hypothetical love is not dead," Meredith offers, and Addison turns the phrase over in her mind and tries to make sense of it all.
"Was it hard? For you to leave him? I mean?" Addison asks her, profoundly. Ages ago, this question would have been laced with bitterness and maybe even some malice. But there's none and neither of those things in Addison's question, now. Not even at all…
"Not really, I mean, after I saw how he lied to me, lied to you, just I don't know. I never really left him, he sort of left me and when he tried to follow me; I guess I just didn't stop for him.
And it should have sounded inelegant, but it didn't at all.
And Addison holds her breath a little bit, expecting Meredith to ask her back the same question, but she doesn't.
And then Addison realizes she's already sort of said that when she said the whole 'I should have stepped aside…" speech the other day with John the patient in the room with them.
And speaking of John the patient, Addison feels her phone vibrating with a text message, which just coincidentally turns out to be him.
"John the patient is taking care of Derek for us, tonight," Addison reads out to Meredith (without mentioning the other texts about John wishing Addison good luck with her… who knows what…)
"That's really nice of him. Can you send him a smiley face emoji from me?" Meredith asks, as Addison does, and then shuts off her phone completely because she knows everything she needs to know now and she trusts John the patient wholeheartedly.
"Thanks for saying 'us' just then," Meredith says to her, and Addison has to think about Meredith's question before she understands it.
"I know you cared for Derek once, as well. You still care that he's okay, don't you?" Addison says.
"Yeah. I do," Meredith sighs.
And for some unreasonable reason, it makes Addison want to reach out and lay her hands on top of Meredith's hands and give them a reassuring squeeze. As a sort of apology for texting about Derek when she's sat here with HER. But she doesn't. She continues with what she was going to say anyway.
"Hell, you hardly know me but at least you understand me like this. "Addison says even more desperately. She feels like she's shouting even though she's hardly speaking above a whisper.
"We're the I dated Derek once and now life… Well, I don't know. I was going to say 'life sucks' but I think 'life is complicated' is more freaking accurate…" Meredith says to Addison now.
"Cheers to another on that one," Addison says to Meredith now.
She wanted to reach out and hold Meredith's hand. But she didn't. And she doesn't now, either.
(She wants to say to her " just like you, you know, I now have a ton of friends here in Seattle, well some of them are the both of our friends..."
"I came out here to get Derek back and I have all of my other friends in New York so really right now I have lots of friends and the alcohol, And I think I might be drunk also,")
"So you have no one to drink with you, other than me, I mean?" Meredith asks boldly, knowing Addison could have all the company she wanted if she asked for it.
"It's not like I have no one to drink with me, I have you" Addison answers more boldly.
"So you're drinking with me," Meredith asks in another question like she wants to say more.
"Yes, so I'm drinking with you" Addison answers again but without all the lace of 'more, more, more' that either of them would expect to come out of Addison's mouth after all of that alcohol in her system has lifted her inhibitions.
And Meredith wants to say something so she says, "I'm happy to be drinking with just you, too…"
"I shut my phone off, so we can talk now and it can be 'just us' now. Just us and no one else interrupting..." Addison says as if she's working up to even more.
And Meredith also understands the implication of Addison's statement.
And Meredith realizes this is the moment she should say something. Say anything. Say everything…
But she's so scared of a potential rejection after all of that, or that she'll not be rejected and have Addison say yes to her because she's drunk and then break her heart in two all later and all the terrible things that could happen are swirling around in Meredith's mind now that the moment has come.
And the rush of panic and fear and angst is so strong it brings tears to Meredith's eyes. And she shudders as she slides off the bar stool, and runs off to the washroom.
She's not sick at all, she's just upset. And it breaks Addison's heart in two to see her sad.
So she follows her, just like she followed Meredith there the first time.
She follows her in her heels, trying to match Meredith's quick pace in only her 'kitten heels', as she reaches out to catch Meredith's arm before she's too far away, but she doesn't.
So all Addison can do is to keep following Meredith, hoping with everything that she has she will eventually catch her…
***** END OF CHAPTER 32
Author's Note 2:
As I mentioned before, there's more to this chapter and YES there will be lots more MerAdd interaction in the coming one.
It's cut off here, though, at a bit of an angsty way and I do apologize… But also I don't because angst is a good genre...
They're saying 'a lot of things' and doing 'a lot of things' and it's all just right under the surface.
And it's all these implicit promises and maybe's.
And wow, am I a sucker for "soon".
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Yours, truly, bobbiejelly