Chapter 29

Tony could see Tim's surprise, almost shock, at how Tony had described him. It was as if he'd never really thought about it before...and to be fair, he probably hadn't. So much of Tim's life in the last few years had been a struggle that he probably counted what he'd achieved as simply being a normal life, something normal people got to have without effort and he was lucky enough to manage.

As he stared out at Lake Okeechobee, Tim looked more than a little confused. It was almost amusing that he would find the idea that he was amazing difficult to grasp.

Almost.

It shouldn't be so hard to accept, and Tony didn't like that Tim felt that way about himself, even if it wasn't putting himself down, he was almost unwilling to accept that he was really exceptional, not normal. He was what should be normal, but really wasn't.

They both leaned over the pier, looking at the lake for a while, but then, it was time for pictures. Serious discussion or not, Tony wasn't leaving here without photos.

"Okay, Tim. Time for pictures."

"Okay."

Tim still seemed flummoxed, but he posed readily enough. After getting the lake behind them, Tony insisted on finding a sign with the name on it so that he could have a picture with the name of the lake...since that was why he'd wanted to stop here. While he was posing, he made a point of bracketing out how long the name was. Tim even smiled at the obvious reference to their previous time stopping at a lake just because of its name.

As they started back to the car, Tony finally couldn't stand it any longer.

"Tim, you're way too smart to be this confused by what I said," he said. "Can't you just accept it?"

Tim looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Tony, I already told you that I accept your apology for what you said yesterday. There's no reason to start piling on compliments to try to make up for it. It's fine."

And in his head, Tony kicked himself. Of course, Tim was going to think that this was all a ploy to make him feel better after making him feel worse before. A compliment couldn't just be a genuine compliment. He sighed.

"That's not what I'm doing at all, Tim," Tony said.

Tim looked skeptical.

"Really. I'm not. I hadn't even thought of that until you said it right now."

"Oh, come on," Tim said, scoffing. "I don't believe that for a second."

"Believe it, Tim," Tony said. "I really wasn't thinking about that at all. You've always had a hard time believing that you're a great dad. I don't know why, but you do. I was hoping that, just maybe, you'd finally believe me. I forgot that you'd just assume that I was trying to make you feel better. I should have thought of that, but I didn't."

There was another silence as they got to the car. For some reason, neither of them tried to get in. Instead, they leaned on the top of the car and stared at each other for a moment.

"Tim, you don't have to be a perfect father to be an amazing one. I know there are things you hate that you've said and done, but can you at least admit that Tommy loves being with you and that Esther and Evelyn love you?"

"Sure," Tim said, easily.

"Good. The reason they do is because you're amazing."

"They do because I'm their dad."

"Oh, I give up," Tony said, finally.

"Good," Tim said, almost laughing at Tony's frustration.

Tony raised an eyebrow at him.

"Are you just giving me a hard time?"

"Well, not just."

Tony sighed again.

"Tony, just leave it, okay? I promise. I don't think I'm a terrible father. I just don't think I'm as amazing you apparently do. And I know that you are an amazing father, and I can't wait until Daniel calls you his dad for the first time because every time it gets mentioned, you smile."

Tony couldn't help but smile again at the reminder. Even if he couldn't truly believe it until it actually happened, he was still thrilled by being told his adopted son wanted to be his son. He hoped that Jo would be included in that, too.

"Now, do you want to drive or do you want me to keep going? I can."

"Nope. My turn, Probie," Tony said and held out his hands for the keys.

Tim tossed them willingly enough...and then, they had to switch sides. They got into the car and they were off.

"So, we're going to get over to Kennedy easy," Tony said. "Anything you want to see?"

"I don't know."

Tim got out the atlas, not his phone. Tony suppressed a smile at that never-ending tendency to use the atlas.

"We should drive through the middle of the state instead of going back over to the coast," Tim said.

"Why? Anything special to see?"

"No, but we've been hugging the coast of Florida. Let's see the interior... besides Lake Okeechobee."

"It might be boring."

"But it'll be something we haven't seen," Tim said.

"Sure, okay. Where do I go?"

"Let's see..."

Tim looked up and around.

"Okay, looks like we're on 441. We stay on that."

"For how long?" Tony asked.

"Almost all the way up. It's a straight shot up through the middle of the state."

"Okay. We'd better get gas, then."

He pulled off into a service station and they quickly filled up and got some snacks. Then, they headed northward.

And it wasn't all that exciting. It was flat and had some trees. Nothing else. No mountains, no lakes in view, no rivers in view. It was green, but that's all it was. Tony had been to the Florida coast many times in his life, but he couldn't think of any time he'd deliberately chosen to eschew the coast in favor of driving through the interior.

"Enough flat for you, Tim?" he asked.

"It's just so weird," Tim said, looking out the window. "I've never thought of Florida as being flat, but it is. It's just flat. It's no wonder there's major flooding every time a hurricane hits. This whole place is only barely above sea level."

"I don't get why this is so fascinating to you," Tony said.

"It's geology. Thinking about what makes it the way it is and why and how long it can last. It's just really interesting."

"I think it's boring."

"It is. I agree."

"Boring, but interesting? How does that work?"

Tim smiled. "You'll never know, Tony."

"That's for sure."

They lapsed into silence, and Tony still thought this was a boring drive. Not a bad one, but there really was very little to see. A few small towns, what looked like they could be ranches, trees. It just wasn't really all that exciting.

"How do you look beyond the mistakes?"

The question came out of left field, and Tony wasn't ready for it.

"Huh?"

He looked over. Tim was leaning his head against the window, not looking at him.

"You keep saying that I'm this amazing person, but Tony, I really don't see it. Sometimes, I still struggle to keep myself on an even keel. Sometimes, all I can see is the horror. I never stay there for very long now, but it's still there. And I know that I've caused pain in other people. How do you see beyond that?"

"I don't," Tony said, hoping for a reaction.

He got it. Tim looked at him. Tony smiled.

"I mean it. I don't. I don't need to. You don't have to be perfect, Tim. I feel like a broken record telling you that, but it's still true. You're not perfect. Big deal. Neither am I. Yesterday being a prime example of that. I feel bad about it, but I don't expect you to ignore it. You've said you forgive me and I'm glad. So now, I'm just working on cleaning up the mess I made."

"Not really much of a mess."

"Still needs to be cleaned up...and no, that's still not why I paid you a compliment. In fact, it's not a compliment. It's just the truth. So there."

As he'd hoped, Tim did laugh a little.

"And no changing the subject now that you brought this up. You're still way too good at that. Why do you think you have to ignore your mistakes in order to be great?"

"I don't."

"Yeah, you do. Because that's all you ever talk about. It's like the mistakes you made forever disqualify you from being a great dad, but you're the only one who sees it that way."

Tim said nothing.

"You just need to look at yourself the way Tommy does."

"No," Tim said, laughing a little. "Tommy sees me as a superhero. I'm pretty sure that's not going to be a good replacement."

"I'll bet he doesn't. He's never asked you to fly or anything, has he?"

"No. You know what I mean. A lot of kids see their parents as invincible. It was hard for Tommy when I was sick. He'd never realized I could be that way before, and he worried a lot. ...because nothing can happen to Dad. But that's not true. A lot of things can and have happened."

"You're just looking at details, Tim. Look at the big picture. It doesn't hurt to look at the good things sometimes. You don't have to forget the things you regret. You just need to balance it out a little bit."

Then, suddenly, Tim looked at him.

"And so do you," he said.

"Huh?"

"Instead of looking at the things you feel like you can't do very well because you didn't have a good example, look at what you're actually doing. Not what your dad didn't do, what you do. Tony, a lot of your stress is coming from thinking that you're at a disadvantage and that you'll mess up. And you don't...not like you think you will."

"Touché, Probie."

Tim smiled a little.

"If you tell me this was all a ploy to..."

"No. I just thought of it."

"You'd better not be lying, Probie."

"Promise."

"Then, well-played."

"Am I right?"

"Am I?" Tony retorted.

"Maybe."

"Oh, come on, Tim. Admit it! I'm right! If you're going to use my arguments against me, then, they've got to be right."

Tim laughed, but Tony could see that he was still reluctant to agree.

"I'm not going to drop this until you admit it, Tim."

"Why not?"

"Because in all of these road trips, you have never once admitted that you're actually a good guy, a great guy, that you do things right most of the time. You always are focused on the wrong things. So this time, no moving on until you admit that I'm right."

There was a long silence, and Tony looked over.

"Tim, why are you afraid of admitting it?"

Thankfully, Tim did answer this question.

"Because if I agree with you, I feel like I'm just jinxing myself to do something colossally stupid that could hurt people around me again."

"You do realize that it doesn't work that way, right?"

"Logically."

"No, Tim. Really, it doesn't work that way. Just say it. Admit that you're a good dad. Tommy isn't suddenly going to hate you if you do."

Another silence.

"Come on, Tim. We can both be good and amazing dads. Just say it. Repeat after me, 'I am a great dad.'"

"You keep moving the goalposts, Tony," Tim said, after a moment.

"No, I don't!"

"Yes, you do. First, it's good. Then, it's amazing. Now, it's great. I can't keep up," Tim said.

Tony glanced over and he could see that Tim was smiling.

"We'll go back to amazing, then. Say it with me, Tim. Repeat after me. I'm an amazing dad."

"Yes, you are," Tim said, still smiling.

"Nope. Not letting this go. Not until you say it, too. I'm an amazing dad. ...and if you don't, I'm going to hit you."

"Abuse isn't really the best way to make your point," Tim said.

"You're being tiresome and I know you're doing it on purpose. So give in because I'm not dropping this one. No matter how long it takes. You might be good at changing the subject when you want to, but I'm better at being annoying," Tony said. "This isn't going to stop until you do what I tell you."

Another silence.

"Say it with me, Tim," Tony said again.

"Tony..."

Tony looked over and he saw, even with Tim trying to keep joking, how uncomfortable he really was with talking about himself that way. He knew it, but he also knew that part of it was because Tim really didn't believe it. Tony couldn't get him to admit that part, but he could force him to say it about himself once. If he said it once, it would be easier a second time. So he forced himself to keep it light.

"I know you were a better student than this, Probie. Repeat after me. I'm an amazing dad."

Finally, Tim sighed. "All right, Tony. Fine. I'm an amazing dad."

"Excellent! I knew you could do it. Took a bit of time, and I'll bet you still don't believe it, but I got you to say it, and that's progress."

He glanced over again and saw Tim looking at him with a suspicious, raised eyebrow. Tony just smiled and kept on driving. It was quiet in the car for the next little while. Not awkward but quiet. However, that couldn't continue because they were making steady progress toward their destination.

"Okay, Tim. We're getting closer to Canaveral again. Find us a place to stay," Tony said.

"Do you want it to be in Canaveral or just close by?" Tim asked while pulling out his phone.

"Same region so we don't have a long drive tomorrow, but that's all."

"Remember that you promised me nothing fancy tonight," Tim said.

"Promise. I won't push for it."

"Good because it's not happening. How about this one? It's the Inn at Cocoa Beach, just south of Canaveral. Two queens. Just a basic room but the pictures look pretty nice."

"How much?"

"Just over a hundred."

"I guess that will do. At least you're not making us stay in a Motel 6."

"I couldn't find one," Tim said drily.

Tony chuckled. "Book the room and tell me how to get there, Probie."

It only took another half an hour to get to the hotel, check in and go into their room. They had made it with at least an hour before they'd be getting dinner. Tony was glad of it. He lay down on the bed, ready to relax a little more.

...but apparently, Tim wasn't.

"Tony, I have a question for you," Tim said after a few minutes of silence.

"What?"

"I know this is going to worry you, and if the answer is no, that's fine."

"What are you talking about, Tim?" Tony asked, sitting up to look at him.

"Would you tell me what you and Gibbs talked about when you visited him in Key West?"

Tony didn't think he could be more shocked.