"Lea," Isa called. "You're going to make yourself dizzy pacing like that."

The voices inside Lea's head argued endlessly, a constant back-and-forth between nudging him forward and holding him back. He paced the floor outside the entrance to the research lab, listening to that internal squabble and trying to persuade his feet to carry him into the room. Even was in there, probably hard at work, and now was the time Lea had chosen to go and speak to him. But even with Isa's coaxing, he couldn't bring himself to go inside. Lea turned to his friend and huffed in exasperation. "How did you do it?"

Isa cringed, looking slightly sympathetic. "I had a lot of help."

Lea contemplated for a moment. Isa's redemption had gone quite well, considering where he started. At one time, Lea had thought the same thing for himself. He was granted his heart again, his humanity restored without question. He was welcomed into the Guardians of Light. But eventually, he had to accept the truth that, although he was shown plenty of forgiveness, he hadn't really earned any of it. He avoided his most deserving victims, people who needed to hear of his remorse more than anyone else he'd tormented as Axel. He tried to cut corners, getting by on his charisma and good deeds alone. But it wasn't enough. Isa had redeemed himself properly — Lea still had a long way to go.

There was no getting around the facts. Axel had killed Vexen. He entered the room where the scientist stood weakened from his battle with Sora and he destroyed him without any hesitation. But now, Lea had the chance to reconcile with his victim and to make up for that horrific error. It was practically a gift from fate itself. The permanence of death ensured that no one would ever have the opportunity that Lea had been granted. He should be thankful for it, and Even more than deserved this apology.

Alas, Lea lost his nerve and turned to leave when the battling voices got the better of him. "I can't. I can't do it."

"You can," Isa caught him before he could run away. "Just go in there and say what you want to say."

"What if it's not enough? What if I just upset him? What if—?"

"You'll just have to trust me, Lea," Isa insisted sternly, spinning him back around and pushing him gently toward the door. "It's going to be fine. Now, get your ass in there."

It was now or never. Wringing his hands, Lea finally took a breath and opened the door, quietly stepping over the threshold and into the room. Even, having heard him enter, turned from the console he'd been working on. His eyes widened and his entire musculature became visibly tense when he saw his visitor.

"Lea? What is it you want?"

Lea had frozen in place, his mouth suddenly feeling like a desert. "Uh… I came to, uh…"

Even crossed his arms. "Well? Spit it out, boy, I don't have all day."

"I wanted to talk to you."

The scientist paused at those words. He leaned against the console, appearing curious but apprehensive. "About?"

Lea would have liked to answer him, but was unsure quite how to describe his reason for visiting. I wanted to talk about your death? I wanted to discuss that time where I murdered you? Lea suddenly felt sick to his stomach. His head dropped in shame. He just couldn't bring himself to say the words.

Even arched an eyebrow, his face clearly intrigued, but his body no less rigid. He answered his own question with a single understanding nod. "I see," his voice had lowered considerably as he spoke. "Ordinarily, I'd tell you to sod off and let me work. But you've caught me in a good mood. I've looked forward to this."

He gestured toward a nearby workstation with a series of chairs lined up in front of it. He pulled two of them away and the pair were seated, facing each other, yet neither of them brave enough to look the other in the eye.

It was Even who broke the silence with a sharp sigh. "Well, then. I'm listening."

Lea began to sweat, barely able to stammer out his words. "I… uh… well, um…"

"Such eloquence," Even chided him impatiently. "I'm moved to tears."

Lea closed his eyes. He was paralyzed again, unable to move a muscle or speak a word. He could only breathe. The anticipation was unbearable. The voices began to argue yet again. Memories tugged at his conscience. Get it over with! There was so much noise. You have to do this! It was too loud. When he could stand it no longer, he lifted his head, looking the man directly in the eyes.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, his voice shaking along with the rest of him. "Even, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. I… I don't have anything else, I'm just… sorry. I'm really sorry."

There was a long, heavy silence after he finished. Lea stared directly into his lap, catching his breath. He examined his hands, folded atop his legs with his fingers clasped together. All it took was a snap of those same fingers. In that split second, Vexen was dead. Lea winced as the images bombarded his thoughts, seeming to burn themselves into the forefront of his mind, branding him as the cold-blooded killer he was.

As the seconds turned to minutes, Lea began to wonder if he should say more. Perhaps Even was waiting for more. He looked up to find that the scientist had cast his eyes to the floor, almost staring right through it. His expression was troubled. Lea could see the clench of his jaw, the furrow in his brow. He could have sworn the man was trembling.

When he finally did speak, it was with a voice so soft and weighted that Lea almost didn't recognize it. "I have waited a long time to hear those words."

Lea's composure began to crumble. "I'm sorry. I should have said them a long time ago. I'm so sorry, Even."

"Alright, alright, that's quite enough of that," Even scoffed, restoring his guarded demeanor. The melancholy had drained from his face entirely. He was reliving it. Lea could tell. In his mind, the man was back at Castle Oblivion, watching it happen over and over. Lea practically saw the same scene playing out as if the two were watching a film together, endlessly rewinding after the most frightening parts out of a sick fascination for the macabre.

In Lea's memory, Vexen's eyes had been full of fear, but now, even as the man faced that trauma head on, those same eyes carried only searing anger and betrayal. "You know, Lea, your work in Castle Oblivion was largely kept off the record. I never was told why you did what you did."

Lea hesitated. "I don't think you'll like the answer, Even…"

"I will be the judge of that," he snapped. "Tell me. Why did you take my life?"

He deserved to know. He had every right to know. And yet, Lea wasn't sure if he really had an answer. He took a breath, and then a second one for good measure. "Marluxia and Larxene were betraying the Organization. They had an elaborate plot, but they wouldn't let me in on it unless… well, unless I eliminated you."

Even only stared, unblinking, with apparent disbelief. His expression shifted to disappointment, defeat. He sighed. "You're right. I don't like the answer," he rose from his chair and meandered toward the console he'd been working on. He absentmindedly plucked at some of the buttons, scrolling through some notes that he wasn't really reading. "Lea, do you know what it feels like to be incinerated?"

The question was eerily casual, as if he were inquiring about a book he'd read or a recipe he'd discovered. Lea swallowed audibly. "Not… entirely, no."

The scientist whipped around and spat his words with bitterness. "It was torturous. Even after I woke up as a human once more, I could feel it. The pain was indescribable. I was bedridden for days," his face had pulled into a grimace. "You could have at least shown me some mercy. Your method was dreadful."

Lea winced. "I… I thought…"

"Hmph," Even was no longer holding back his bitterness as his questioning quickly became an interrogation. "So you had to assassinate an innocent scientist who was pleading for his life in order to apprehend the traitors? Am I to believe that you erased me out of pure loyalty to the Organization? You were just following orders?"

"No. No, that's not it…"

"Was it because I knew about your little scheme?" he sneered, bending toward Lea almost menacingly. "Helping Saïx climb the ranks? Was that it?"

"Not exactly…"

"Then enlighten me. Why did you kill me?"

"I don't know!"

The taunting worked and Lea finally cracked. He leaped out of his chair, exploding in frustration and confusion, clenching his fists to halt the trembling and swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. "I don't know, Even… I've asked myself that same question so many times… I just don't have an answer. I have nothing!"

Of course, Even would never be satisfied with such a response. Lea thought back to those days, tracing his steps in that castle from the moment he arrived to the moment he left. He didn't understand at the time that he was feeling the first symptoms of his heart growing back. On a daily basis, he felt the unpleasant twinge of his memories returning to him, playing back inside his head when he least expected them. Those images, those moments from his past, brought with them the same emotions he'd experienced before, almost making him believe that he could feel angry, sad, or afraid again. It made his stay in that castle a thoroughly unpleasant experience, even if he caught a faint glimmer of amusement here and there. Ultimately, it was quite true that the man who had walked out those doors was not the same man who'd walked in. He had indeed changed.

"We… We were Nobodies. No hearts, no feelings, no responsibility. We could do whatever we wanted and we didn't have to care. Because we couldn't care."

In hindsight, it was almost genius of Xemnas to have convinced them all that their emotions were false. In dehumanizing them, he'd managed to brainwash each of his underlings into dehumanizing themselves and each other in turn. They became expendable, disposable, and in so doing, he'd successfully turned them into obedient soldiers for his cause.

"I saw no value in any one of us. It didn't matter if we were erased because there was nothing to erase. Suddenly, killing people wasn't a big deal," Lea shuddered at the thought, at remembering what sort of man Axel was. An exterminator, chasing a thrill that he'd never catch. "But… I started to feel things in that castle. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was fake, like they told us. But it felt so genuine. It felt so real. I started remembering my past. I remembered the experiments. I remembered Isa. I remembered the friend I lost… And I could feel angry about it again. I could feel enraged by it. It was boiling over inside me and it was real and it felt so damn good."

Memories flooded him now just as they had back then, rushing into his mind faster than he could keep up with. They used to lock him in a cell — pitch-black, cramped, and lonesome. He was only ever kept inside for a few minutes, but it was long enough to terrify him at that age. The door would open, and the tall scientist with blond hair would enter with his young assistant. The man named 'Administrator Even' and the boy he called 'Ienzo.' Lea would plead for Isa, and the man would frown from behind his clipboard and say that his friend didn't want to see him. It was always the same exchange, day after day, until one trial when it was Isa who came through the door. Lea would smile at him, but Isa would avoid his eyes, wearing a face of stone. Lea would talk to him, and Isa would be silent in response. Lea would try to hug him, only to be batted away. It was when Isa finally spoke, repeating the scientist's words and claiming to have no interest in him that Lea felt the break. There was a thunderous crack inside his chest, as if his sternum were snapped in half. He cried then. It hurt his chest terribly to cry, but he cried all night. By the next morning, he couldn't remember anything that had happened — he only had a vague awareness of loss that he couldn't quite describe.

When the apprentices disbanded and created the Organization, Lea and Isa were reunited, no longer Xehanort's test subjects, and with no memories of the experimentation they suffered. In the aftermath of those trials, there was a sudden sense of distance between them that neither could explain. Lea would cling to the last remnants of closeness they had to the bitter end of their friendship, and yet the gap would only grow. What they used to have remained just outside his grasp, like tissue blowing away in the wind. He cried all the time after that, despite the lingering pain it caused in his chest. The tears dried up when Isa taught him that secret charm, but the ache never faded. Eventually, Isa transformed into Saïx, Lea into Axel, and all of his sorrow was replaced by a tremendous abundance of apathy.

Axel experienced a number of familiar sensations during his assignment in Castle Oblivion. He delighted in causing trouble, throwing wrenches in everyone's plans for sheer amusement and sparing not a thought for the consequences. He could feel exhilarated again in battle. He could feel disgust at Larxene's advances. He even felt sympathy for Naminé's plight. But it was the anger that seemed to fuel him, to awaken something in him that he hadn't felt in ages. Anger at remembering what had happened to him and his best friend. Anger for his own sake, and anger for Isa's. Like embers in his core, that fury was always burning. Slowly, patiently — waiting for just the right trigger to fan the flames.

Lea's thoughts were flying. He was pacing again, picking up speed as he circled the floor, no longer even looking at Even as he rambled on about his experiences with increasing animation. "It was perfect. I was good and pissed. I had the perfect motivation and the perfect opportunity and I marched into that room with my chakrams ablaze and suddenly it was gone," he stopped, letting a long, heavy beat pass before continuing his monologue. "It was all gone. All the memories. All the rage and anger and hatred… they all disappeared. I was completely numb again. I felt nothing. Just emptiness."

Lea was crying again, and some echo from his past almost made him believe that his chest was hurting again. "Maybe I went crazy… Maybe I wanted revenge… I don't know," he sank back into his chair with his head in his hands. "I've tried to convince myself that there was some noble reason for it. I wanted to believe that it was necessary. It wasn't. There was no deeper justification. There was no moral explanation. Your deaths were senseless."

Lea apologized to Kairi countless times while they were working together. It was so much easier then. He deceived her. He kidnapped her. He gave her a hell of a scare, but he didn't hurt her. Ultimately, his actions against her were shameful, but not personal. In many ways, the simplicity of the situation made the sentiments themselves more impactful, yet they cost less to deliver. It was the apparent weightlessness of it all that made just declaring his remorse seem inadequate.

But the guilt he'd been carrying for Even and Ienzo was heavy enough to stagger him. And, although he could feel how his apologies seemed to carve themselves out of his heart, the act of saying them seemed just as useless. This time, it was personal, it was complicated, and it was quite painful. Yet, it still wasn't enough. The cloudiness of his motivations, the gaps in his memory, and the sting of his resentment only served to amplify the stabbing sensation he felt — the same ache in his chest that would accompany his tears. He couldn't give Even or Ienzo the closure they needed, the closure they deserved — and therefore, Lea concluded, he might never find closure for himself.

"I don't have an answer for you, Even. I just didn't care. I killed you because I felt like it, and I figured if that was the only thing I was gonna feel, then I may as well just roll with it."

With his confession finally over, Lea sat tensely, waiting, unable to feel even a glimmer of relief. Even, visibly shaken by the monologue, did not speak again for some time. His fists were tightly clenched and he squeezed his eyes shut, as if he were fighting back whatever he wanted to say in response. Many times he opened his mouth, only to close it again. When it seemed he had leveled his emotions, he finally took his turn. "Lea, you need to hear this. I am, and always have been, a man of science. I never sought to bring suffering and ruin to anyone or anywhere. I realized after I was recompleted that I had managed to do just that… and my heart staggered heavily under the weight of my remorse. I made terrible mistakes, and I am responsible for so much empty, meaningless pain and tragedy. It's unconscionable."

To Lea's shock, the man's eyes welled up and his words began to waver. "But I must insist that you understand this. Zexion — that is, Ienzo — was innocent. He was just a boy. You can't hold him responsible for our sins."

His voice broke. He took a moment. A few shuddering breaths. Pursing his lips, grinding his teeth. He simply wasn't the type of man to break down. Lea could understand that. This was likely as close as he'd ever come. He wiped his eyes, brushing the moisture from his cheeks with a long exhale. "Maybe we deserved to be erased. Maybe I deserved my fate. But it wasn't your decision to make. Eliminating me solved nothing. No lives were saved. No moral balance was restored. All you had was your petty revenge, and where did it bring you? Was it worth it, Lea?"

"No…" Lea's throat was so tight that he could barely whisper his answer. "No, it wasn't. I never was able to live with myself after that…"

"Hmm," Even smirked, not with amusement but with something like pity. "A smaller man would glean a delightfully wicked sense of satisfaction from that," he stood, folding his arms and taking small steps back toward his console. "But, I don't. I take no pleasure in seeing you wallow in your guilt. At the end of the day, we are both alive and we are here, correcting our errors however we can. So I'm content to let bygones be bygones and move forward with my life as it was intended. All is well, Lea."

For a moment, he seemed relieved, but with a sigh his expression quickly fell again as he averted his eyes. "And," he continued. "For what it's worth… I'm sorry about the experiments."

Lea shrugged, uncomfortably shifting in place. "It's in the past. I don't really remember them anyway."

"I do," Even lifted his head. "And I'm so sorry."

Lea was speechless, questioning how he could accept such a gesture. He certainly didn't deserve it. After a long pause, he stepped forward, awkwardly extending his hand. Even hesitated at first, but soon returned the short handshake with a meek smile. There was a beat of silence wherein both enjoyed the change in the atmosphere. The air was lighter. The room wasn't nearly so dark. They could breathe again.

It was Even who broke the silence at last. "Now then, was that all? I'm quite busy."

"Even?"

The small voice at the door belonged to none other than Ienzo, peeking inside with curiosity in his eyes. Even quickly composed himself, stepping away from Lea and trying to look busy. "Ienzo, what is it?"

"Oh!" Ienzo's face flushed with embarrassment. "Um… You're busy. I'll come back later…"

"Ienzo, come here, let me see your face."

The young apprentice dropped his head and timidly approached him like a child preparing to be scolded. Even lifted Ienzo's chin and swept his long fringe out of the way, exposing both of his bloodshot eyes, outlined with dark, puffy circles in sharp contrast with his unusually pale skin.

"Dear child, you look terrible," Even remarked with a disapproving tone. "When was the last time you had a decent night's sleep?"

Ienzo averted his gaze, avoiding eye contact as Even chastised him. "I, uh… define 'decent.'"

"Goodness, boy, have you even had a break today?"

"Guess I lost track of time…"

Even clucked his tongue, shaking his head with a sigh. "I've heard enough. You need your rest. Go, take a nap. I can take care of things here."

"But, Even, I—"

"Don't you argue with me, Ienzo," his voice had become stern and authoritative. "You're of no use to me in such a weakened state anyway."

Ienzo, defeated, bowed his head obediently. "Yes, sir…"

He turned to go, making his way for the door when Even called to him. "Ienzo…"

Lea nearly melted at the short scene that followed their exchange. The young apprentice turned to find Even hurrying toward him. Before he could say anything, the scientist wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. Ienzo gasped, startled by the unexpected show of affection, but he did not protest Even's embrace. Even held the boy close, clinging to him, his grasp so desperate and frantic that Lea thought he might not let go. Finally, after a lengthy beat, he released the young apprentice, settling his hands on his shoulders and just staring at him with a pensive expression.

Ienzo's face was etched with utter confusion. "What was that for?"

"Do I need a reason? Go to bed. I'll bring you supper later."

Even patted him on the head and sent him on his way. Still looking perplexed but clearly unwilling to question any of it, Ienzo exited the lab as ordered, leaving the scientist and Lea alone once more.

While Even was still gazing wistfully at the door, Lea closed in on him from behind with a knowing smirk. "You love him to pieces."

"You're damned right I do," he answered without pause. "I always have."

Lea's earliest memories of Ienzo depicted an odd, mute kid who stared at him a lot. He wasn't entirely unresponsive, just quiet. He always had a serene face that perfectly masked his emotions. One never could tell what he was thinking, and he carried that air of mystery even into his adulthood. But that cold, calculating nature didn't last. It was an affectation, or a maybe coping mechanism — Lea wasn't sure, but he caught a glimpse every so often of the curious child Ienzo was supposed to be. He saw how those eyes lit up around Master Ansem, or how those tiny hands would close around Even's. He saw genuine, parental affection in every time Even lifted the boy up for a better view of the computer console, or in every time Ansem the Wise bent down to wipe the ice cream off his cheeks. And, he saw that warmth now as Even, smiling fondly, meandered back toward his workstation to go about his day with a new and well-deserved sense of peace about him.

"It's a dangerous, volatile emotion, 'love'..." he mused thoughtfully as he dug through a file cabinet. "Whether platonic, familial, or romantic… Love can make the most equable man go mad. Drive one to the most abhorrent acts… all in the interest of protecting the people one most cares for."

He collected his documents and nudged the drawer closed with his hip, turning to flash Lea the subtlest, most sly grin. "But you already know that, don't you?"

Lea tilted his head. "Huh?"

"I've got work to do, boy. Get out of my hair."

Nothing he ever said would erase the atrocities Lea's Nobody committed in the Organization. The memories from those days would always stay with him. But, at the very least, Lea could pride himself on the steps he'd taken to move beyond his past as Axel. Even forgave him, and for the first time, Lea knew that he had earned that forgiveness. It was a small feat in the grand scheme, but it was an accomplishment nonetheless. He thought of Kairi, and how proud she might be if she were there now. Whether she knew it or not, it all began with her — the first stop on his path toward absolution. He was a troubled man, having risen from the grave like a phoenix, but without having deserved such a resurrection. Lea was convinced that fate had wasted its kindness on him and his fellow apprentices. But, Kairi saw it quite differently. It was she who had sparked the notion that he was worthy of the new beginning he'd been granted, and he clung tightly to that philosophy with all his heart.

There was still more work to be done. There were many wounds still open and still hurting, many more apologies to say. But, with this small score put to rest, Lea knew that those wounds were finally on the mend. With the proper care, and enough time and patience, they would become just scars — just reminders of the journey. His journey, Isa's journey, everyone's journey. This bit of closure was just the turning of the page — the beginning of another chapter in the novel that was their collective story of redemption, one that they would each tell in their own time. Like the phoenix, they all got their second chances. They all got their awakenings, their new beginnings. They all rose out of the ashes and were born anew. Now, it was time for them to earn it.

"Thanks, Even…"

The scientist hummed impatiently, waving him toward the door. "Away with you."

I wrote this chapter months and months ago, and it has sat here in my google doc, waiting patiently for its turn to be posted. Today is that day. As we approach the end of Lea's redemption saga, this chapter takes a chance to remind us that there is so much more story to come. I hope you'll stick around to see where it goes. Thanks as always for reading, and for the love you've shown for this piece that is so dear to me. It really means the world.

If you like On the Mend: Isa's Awakening, then check out my epic one-shot, WINNER, which I wrote for my one-year anniversary of writing. Almost like a prequel to this story (but not quite), we follow Saïx as he prepares for the final showdown between the Guardians of Light and the Seekers of Darkness, showing us how he interacts with a newly-awakened Xion. Plenty of good angst in there, and I am convinced that it's some of my best work.

If you like Even, stay tuned! I'm working on another big one-shot where Even is the star! It'll be like a prequel to WINNER, which is all the more reason to go and check out that piece!

You can find me on twitter and tumblr under the same username, where I post sneak-peaks of my work, fanart that I sketch, and a lot of general screaming about Kingdom Hearts. I also have a Discord server that is dedicated to loving Kingdom Hearts! /ffy5E8G

Peace and Love,

Ostelan