As Hermione approached the Black Lake, she saw Severus' silhouette. He was standing quite still staring out at the water, which was rippling under the cool fall breeze. The moon above them reflected off the dark water.
"Severus..." Hermione started. To her surprise, he jumped at the sound of her voice. He glanced at her briefly, eyes wide in shock, and then he looked away again.
"I am hardly in the mood for a lecture," He grumbled.
"Bloody hell," She said. "I'm not here to lecture you."
He was quiet for a minute. "I blamed Longbottom. Now, he's applying to be a professor here next year, and I will likely have to suffer working with him."
"You... blamed Neville?" She asked. "Neville, who would avoid harming a fly if he could. Neville, who was an infant at the time..."
"I blamed a great many people for what happened in 1981. I blamed myself above all else. I relayed the prophecy that ended up killing my only true friend, a woman I loved. I blamed Albus, who in all of his power and might could not protect her. I blamed James Potter for defying the Dark Lord so blatantly that it put Lily in danger. I blamed Black and Lupin for not being chosen as their Secret Keeper. They never would have betrayed the Potters. I blamed Longbottom for not being the Chosen One. I blamed Pettigrew for his betrayal, for his cowardice. I blamed Lily for choosing a man who literally couldn't shut his bloody mouth to save his own skin..." His breath was coming in heaves as he unloaded his grief. "I blamed Lily for not stepping aside," He said in such a pained voice it tore at Hermione's heart. "I am that selfish..."
"The person responsible for Lily's death is Voldemort, Severus," Hermione said softly. "He killed her. He chose Harry. He is the one that raised his wand, uttered that spell, and cast her down." Severus's head snapped to her, and he stepped nearer to her in one sudden step. "You don't blame him because doing so would mean admitting how truly powerless you were to stop any of it..."
He ground his teeth together. "If I hadn't relayed..."
"Stop," She cut him off and he glared down his nose at her. "You did relay it, and you were powerless to stop what came next. What came next was beyond your control. You did everything you could to stop it, and everything you could do to atone for it..." Her voice softened as he flinched and backed away from her. "I know you hate yourself for realizing you wouldn't do what you did, realizing you wouldn't have spied, if Neville had been chosen, but... I understand why you would feel that way. The things you endured... You had to bloody live with the man who betrayed the woman you loved, which he did knowing she would die. I understand why, looking back, you wouldn't want to endure what you have. Honestly, I'd question your sanity if you did want to do all of that again for any reason."
He staggered backward away from her. He looked utterly confused, which was strange on a face that never showed surprise. He turned to face the lake again. She could hear him breathing heavier than normal. She studied his face and realized that he was crying, though he was trying very hard to stop. She moved next to him and leaned her head against his arm, steadying him, while still allowing him to compose himself. They both sensed how close to the edge of a total breakdown he was, but they both could tell he wasn't ready to let go in that way.
After a few moments, he'd collected himself, and he looked down at her and said, in exasperation, "I had myself pulled together. I was functioning. I was coherent. Then, this bloody marriage law came about, and I feel as if I have done absolutely nothing in the way of moving forwards and healing the last seven years."
"You did have it figured out," She said. "You had it figured out in a way that worked for you as a single man."
"Being a single man was much easier," He said, and then looked at her face apologetically.
She gave him a small smile. "I also think it's probably fair to say that you merely stuffed some of the wounds away in hopes that you'd never actually have to confront them. Nobody could possibly blame you for doing that, but a relationship has forced you to come to terms with some things..."
"I was managing well enough..." Severus said lowly. He sounded childlike and defeated.
"I'm sorry," She said. She looked away from him. Her eyes filled with traitorous tears.
"Are you?" He said. She looked at him and saw that his eyes were watery, and his famous eyebrow was raised slightly. He looked both slightly assured and slightly unsure. Her apology was broad, and she'd apologized for her presence in his life, for her growing attachment to him. He wanted to know if she was truly sorry for that.
"No. Not really," She said and swatted at the tears on her cheeks while wearing a watery smile. He studied her for a moment and then looked out at the lake again. They were quiet.
After a few minutes, the wind picked up, and her teeth began to chatter. She cast a warming charm on them both. "It is getting late," He said. "We should return to our quarters."
"Are you okay?" She asked as they began to walk back to the castle, her arm in his.
"Yes, and no," He answered evenly. "I have never been one for emotional displays. I've kept rigid control over my emotions. This is difficult, but..."
"But?" She encouraged.
"It is difficult, but now it has become necessary. You are... Kind to me, unfailingly so. Despite my moodiness and temperament, for which I apologize. I could never truly deserve your kindness, but I shall endeavor to try," He said.
She leaned her head against his arm and reveled in the small affectionate maneuver from him as he leaned his head down toward hers and turned his body more toward hers. Before the walked into the school, she felt his lips on top of her head. It wasn't going to be easy. She knew that. He knew that. Still, it could be worth it.