Argus Filch bursts into the teachers' lounge, panting and sweaty. "Sorry I'm late!" He looks at the gathered teachers. "Wait, you're here."

Hagrid grins. "Hi Argus!"

Argus turns back to the unbroken door, then to Hagrid again, then to the door again, then to Hagrid. "Did you get in without breaking the door?"

Hagrid's grin grows wider. "Yeah."

"How did you do that?" he asks, befuddled.

Hagrid shrugs, still grinning. "Not sure."

"But that defies the laws of physics!"

Hagrid gains a contemplative look. "I guess that explains how I got in, then."

"By defying the laws of physics?"

"Apparently."

Dumbledore clears his throat. "If we can please move past the implausibility of Hagrid appearing in this room without destroying the entryway, we have things to discuss."

"What things?" Pomona grouses. "It's the end of the year, exams are coming up, and nobody gives a fuck about anything except getting through them."

"Loathe as I am to agree with Pomona, she has a point," Snape says. "It's just finals. What else might we have to consider?"

"Yes," MAN RAY BITCH agrees. "I'm simply waiting for my students to turn in their final projects."

"So let's get back to the topic at hand," Filch says. "Good job not breaking the door, Hagrid! I'd hi-five you, but you'd probably break my arm."

Hagrid chuckles. "Yeah..." his face grows serious. "Yeah, I would."

"Across-the-room hi-five?" Argus suggests, making the gesture.

Hagrid returns it. "Across-the-room hi-five."

"Great," Snape drawls. "Now, is there anything else or are you just here to waste my time?"

Dumbledore sighs. "Severus, would it kill you to cheer up?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

Snape glares at his fellow teachers. "I hate you all."

"It's true, though," Flitwick points out. "You HATE cheering up."

"He does?" Squirrel asks. "I didn't know that." He scratches himself absentmindedly.

"Well actually, we're here to discuss how our new crop of students is doing," Dumbledore explains. "Professor Squirrel, you have the floor."

Squirrel nods absentmindedly. "It's a nice floor."

The other teachers wait the obligatory fifteen seconds for him to say something before resuming their conversation.

"Anyway, Pomona–" Dumbledore starts to say.

"What's it taste like?" Squirrel asks.

The other teachers stare at him.

"What," Snape says flatly.

"The floor," Squirrel says.

"Like the shattered dreams of thousands of educators," Snape says. "What else would it taste like?"

Squirrel nods slowly and scratches his neck. "Ima eat it."

Snape blinks a couple of times. "Don't eat the floor."

"Ima eat the floor."

"Don't eat the floor."

"I'm eating it."

"Don't–"

And it's at that point that Squirrel drops onto his belly and begins gnawing on the carpet.

"...should we stop him?" MAN RAY BITCH eventually asks.

"No," Sprout says flatly. "Fuck him."

"Very well," Dumbledore agrees. "Pomona, your badgers–"

"FUCK them," Pomona Sprout says. "I don't give a FUCK what happens to any of those little shits. I know that, you know that, whole world knows that, fuck off."

Dumbledore nods. "Very well. So, Severus, are there any problems with your baby snakes?"

"Crabbe and Goyle are morons," Snape says flatly. "And lord help us all, they're in Neville's posse."

"Neville has a posse?" Sprout asks, astounded.

"Yes," Snape says. "And they all suck at Potions."

Sprout waves him off. "Irrelevant. That Longbottom kid sucks at pretty much everything."

"He does indeed," Dumbledore agrees. "Most curious that you would claim he has a posse then, Severus."

"Neville does hang out with those two," Minerva acknowledges. "Although I don't know that I'd call them a posse..."

"They pretty much are," Madam Hooch says.

Sprout slams her fist on the table. "That's just not right!"

"Well, I don't know that I'd say that–" McGonagall tries to intervene.

"Neville Longbottom has a fucking posse?" Sprout complains. "He's a total pussy!"

Filch opens his mouth, presumably to defend his cat's honor, but can't get anything out before Sprout steamrolls over him.

"Pussies don't have posses!" she rants. "If anyone should have a posse here, it's me! I'm no pussy! Except when it comes to my pussy, which is EXQUISITE!"

"Congratulations," Snape says sarcastically.

"Why thank you," Pomona says pleasantly. "ALTHOUGH THERE'S NO WAY I'M LETTING YOUR UGLY ASS IN, SO YOU CAN JUST FORGET IT SNAPE!"

Snape pinches the bridge of his nose. "Right. Well–"

"Why don't I have a posse?" Pomona asks angrily. "Huh? Huh? I'm the baddest bitch here! If anyone should be posseing around this school, it's me!"

"You don't have a posse because nobody likes you," Dumbledore interjects. "You're rude, mean, cruel, bitchy, and a complete asshole to everyone. At least Snape's only mostly an asshole to most people."

"Yeah well I'm hell of a lot more awesome than Neville Longbottom!" Pomona responds. "There's something freaky going on here, and I guarantee you, I'm going to get to the bottom of it."

Snape smirks. "Don't you mean...the Longbottom of–"

"FUCK YOU, SNAPE!" Sprout yells. "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!"

Snape raises an eyebrow. "I'm getting mixed messages here."

Sprout glares at him.

"You know, seeing as how you told me you'd never sleep with me no matter what. I'm kind of wondering what you really think."

Sprout continues to glare, and an awkward silence descends on the room.

"Did you really have to put that image in our heads?" Dumbledore finally asks.

Snape looks remorseful. "I regretted it the moment I said it."

"So did we all, Severus," Dumbledore says, trying to sound wise. "So did we all."

"So..." McGonagall leads. "Does anyone want to hear about the Gryffindors?"

"No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

"God no."

"FUCK the Gryffindors."

"No."

"No."

"Perhaps."

"No."

"No."

"Oh, yes!" Albus says gleefully. "Tell me all about the Gryffindors!"

"Can we leave?" Snape asks, annoyed.

Dumbledore waves him off. "Sure, sure, whatever. Now, Minerva, about those Gryffindors..."

And so, most of the teachers file out of the room, only leaving behind McGonagall, who is telling the tales of Gryffindors; Dumbledore, who is enraptured by her tales of Gryffindors; MAN RAY BITCH, who is too polite to leave; and Professor Squirrel, who is eating the carpet.