Evening, 10 pm. Turbulent weather with rain, hail and fast moving clouds all day, but the roads were truly passable, trade was picking up, the first visitors had come to Konoha to see friends. Sarada had not climbed into their bed again, not least because Kakashi cruelly locked the bedroom door every night, smirking happily to himself at the click of the turning key. Pakkun had found her a non-speaking puppy to spoil and she was cuddling him and her fluffy rabbit doll with huge ears and a smiley face at night.

Also: Kakashi's departure to the Capital minus five days.

One could think that with her counting down the days like this, Sakura actually liked the idea of him going away.

But she did not. So much not that she had to grit her teeth when she thought about it, even when the solid warmth of his body behind her should have made her feel nothing but post-coital glee.

His habit of reading in bed at night was adorable especially since he tended to do it naked after their lovemaking. She was shameless enough to stare at his body more or less openly now when the opportunity arose. Anatomy studies if anybody should ask. Not looking would be a crime.

Even if it was all official documents he read and no fun these days. But he buried his nose into them like he had buried his nose into Icha Icha novels and in a way, that returned a part of him to her that she had missed.

Carefree Kakashi.

Even though Sakura knew now that he had never truly been carefree, that aspect of their Sensei had equally interested and enraged her as a teenager. Only the very talented could be so arrogant as to idle their days away reading smut. All other, her included, had to work hard for their skills.

She shifted a little against his chest and his hand came up to absentmindedly stroke her hair. Whatever he was reading, it had to be super engrossing because that was the only caress she received. She lowered her own book and turned her face to look at him. She was much too distracted this evening to read about hand surgeries.

"Yo," he smiled at her - before turning his eyes right back to the pages in his hand. There was a small crease of worry between his eyes, it had not escaped her notice. Or was it simply concentration?

"Kakashi?" she began.

"Hm?"

She didn't even know what she wanted to say. But ever since moving in with him she had found herself wanting to distract him. Even if he had never been Carefree Kakashi, wasn't it a worthy goal to make him forget his duties and responsibilities from time to time?

"Just thinking about..."

"Don't worry," Kakashi said with another passing glance at her, guessing parts of her thoughts, "it will be a quick trip and I think I can handle those officials well. I'll buy you loads of presents. It's your birthday soon after all."

Sakura snorted. Him, buying presents? That was something he thought about? She wasn't sure why he felt this confident, but he had been the Hokage for quite a few months now and maybe he had skills she didn't know about... talking to political officials. But she also knew he wasn't telling her things even without outright lying to her.

That irked her a great deal.

She had never felt so close to anybody before in her life and yet, he still kept his distance, carefully kept aspects of himself hidden, doors to his mind she would never get access to. Which was fine, Sakura thought, it was fine to have secrets. And as relationships went, theirs was a very recent one, it would take time to fully open up. Even if they had trusted each other with their lives for so long.

What she really hated the most was this nagging suspicion that Kakashi still didn't quite believe that he deserved to be happy.

It was in small things. Glances, furrowed brows, minuscule sighs. It was in the way he made love to her, a little bit urgent, a little bit desperate. Like he expected her to be snatched away from him tomorrow.

They were so busy Sakura had only been able to do one session of hypnotherapy - and it hadn't gone well at all. Kakashi was far too restless and guarded at the same time to go under deep enough. Maybe she would have to use that Genjutsu from before again? Even if she knew that it made control of the environment very difficult, which kind of defeated the purpose of therapy, at least she knew it had helped him last year.

Kakashi had received her serum twice more. As had Sasuke. For the time being, they came to the hospital at the same time but received the shots in separate rooms. It was too early to tell if it would really work, but the reaction in Kakashi's body was milder - meaning less red - and the reaction in Sasuke's body had only made him grit his teeth with horrendous pain, as he had described it. A brief pain.

There was no telling whether they had enough of the serum left. Manufacturing it again would take weeks. She felt like they didn't have weeks, though she wasn't sure why.

"Have you spoken to Sasuke today?" Sakura asked to continue their non-conversation.

"Hm," Kakashi said and pressed his lips together.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes," he nodded. "I said, 'Hello Sasuke, how are you doing?' and he glared at me and said 'as if you're really interested'."

Sakura pulled a face. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Kakashi sighed. "Not your fault that he's rude - and my fault for snatching away his wife. I would have apologized, but he walked away."

"I'm sure he'll get over it in time."

Kakashi looked at her with slightly raised eyebrows.

"No?"

"No," Kakashi said bluntly, "he won't. And I don't think Naruto will either. He refuses to talk to me. But the Uchiha compound will soon be ready for re-opening. Sasuke will have to be there. And I will have to be there. We have to do this ceremony together."

Sakura had delivered her signed divorce papers to Sasuke's address this morning. It wasn't much of a surprise that had ruffled some feathers, so soon after his release from the Anbu facility. Besides, he had lots to think about. At least she hoped so.

"How is your arm?"

"Asleep."

"I'm sorry!" she quickly sat up and looked at his shoulder that showed faint traces of the curse mark. How she wished that Uchiha blood was entirely gone from his system.

"It's quite alright," he smiled and moved it a little in a circle with a faint popping sound, "I like it when you lean on me. I'm sorry I have to be a bore and read in bed, but I..."

"No need to apologize, I know how busy you are," Sakura said quickly. Kakashi was under a lot of pressure to get things done before taking off to the Capital. Which brought her thoughts back to that matter.

"Should I accompany you?" she blurted out. "To the Fire Daimyo, I mean."

He frowned. "I thought you had several important surgeries scheduled?"

She pulled a face and nodded. True. Very important and very lucrative ones. The village needed the money. Not that Kakashi confided in her in all details but she was quite sure the extremely harsh winter had dwindled their income to close to zero.

"Rin could do them?" she said even though she herself heard how doubtful she sounded.

Kakashi shook his head.

"She's very capable," Sakura said, finding it a little strange that she felt moved to defend Rin's skills.

"No, she can't," he said curtly and turned back to his documents. Really? That was all the information he gave her?

Sakura had a feeling that Rin was avoiding Kakashi these days. Hadn't she always made sure to see him when he had come to the hospital previously? Had they had a fight? Something was off. Frankly, Sakura had never quite shaken the feeling that Rin might be in love with Kakashi even if she was absolutely certain he did not return those feelings. A woman's intuition, maybe. Of course, it lowkey bothered her.

"Just five more minutes," he added apologetically, realizing her displeasure but not quite understanding the source.

Fine. She moved a little to the side and picked up her book again. She had to concentrate. Hands. Many little bones. A difficult surgery for an important person. But all too soon, her mind wandered again. To him, to what he meant to her, to how much she wanted to kiss him. Which reminded her...

"I'm went back on birth control," she informed him. "I got everything ready yesterday."

He lifted his eyes. "Good," he said with emphasis. "Happy to leave the logistics of condoms behind us."

She snickered. He was still miffed that they hadn't had one handy the other day when things had gotten a little heated in her hospital room during a treatment break. It was very, very naughty but the thrill of making love in place where they could be discovered was… well, very thrilling and kind of addictive.

"Better be careful," he added and went back to reading. "It takes a while for the hormones to take effect."

She smiled at him even though he couldn't see it. She had told him that not two days ago. The smartypants probably didn't even realize he was quoting her to herself.

"Things can go wrong even then," she informed him triumphantly, "look at Ino! She swears she was on birth control when she conceived!"

Kakashi let his documents sink and stared at her.

"Don't worry," Sakura quickly added, suddenly blushing a little under his gaze, "it's rare."

"I'm not worried," he said quietly. "But you can't get pregnant."

The shock of his words was like a physical blow. Oh, she didn't think one second that he had said it because he didn't want children. He loved them. One just had to look at him with Sarada to see what a great father he would be. And she would never ever forget what he had said, that night in Kirigakure's hot bath, while touching her belly.

No. He had said it because he didn't believe he had a future. Still didn't believe it.

"Because you think you won't be here to see your child grow up?" she asked just as quietly, but her voice quivered treacherously. She was going to cry.

He remained silent, looking at her with pained eyes.

It had to stop. This was no way to live.

"You idiot," she said and a sob escaped her throat, however much she tried to suppress it.

He turned his head away. "I'm sorry," he whispered, sounding like he was choking.

"I'm not!" she almost yelled. "You know what? I visited Ino today and when I saw her with her baby, I knew… I knew I want one too!"

Kakashi sucked in his breath. But now the words were spilling out of her, there was no stopping them.

"A boy with silver hair who sucks his thumb and suckles on my breasts! One who loves dogs and puts his pudgy arms up into the air when he sees me, to be picked up. One who…"

"Sakura," Kakashi sounded pained as he hugged her to his chest, "please stop."

"You will not leave me," she said between sobs, "you will not."

"Shhhh," he stroked her hair, "I don't want to."

"Promise me!" she demanded, pushing herself away from him.

"I…"

It wasn't okay to pressure him so. Of course he couldn't promise not to die, they all could die, at any time. But he didn't want to tell her why he was so worried, he didn't share his fears with her and that was what hurt her more than anything else right now. What was he so afraid of?

"I won't leave you," he comforted her, "okay? We can talk about children some other time, I'd love to. When… when I'm back from the Capital. We have plenty of time. You're so busy at the hospital and I know you have plans, a mental hospital for kids and…"

He was babbling.

"It's okay," she said even though her tears were making it hard to breathe, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. It's too early to talk about children. We don't even know if we… work out."

Sakura couldn't quite look at his face. She didn't want to see his expression. Was he relieved? Was he… sad? She knew exactly that they would work out. He was perfect. He was exactly what she wanted, what she needed. He made her so blissfully happy and she never wanted to be without him again.

"Maybe," he agreed halfheartedly. "Yes, I guess if you think it's too early…"

He didn't sound convinced one bit.

"We could try to make a baby right now," she blurted out, feeling like she was about to faint, excitement coursing through her with a strong dose of self-loathing right behind. Because there was a small voice in her head, a small, evil voice saying that he wouldn't leave for sure if there was a baby. He wouldn't go away to die. He would stay.

But her ovulation was over and she had started taking the pill this morning. What were the chances?

"You don't know what you're suggesting," he said hoarsely.

"I think I do," she retorted stubbornly. "I want a baby with you, Kakashi."

And then she did look. The expression in his eyes was the most wonderful thing she had ever seen.

"Goddammit, I love you," he pressed out before lowering his mouth to hers for the most passionate kiss she had ever received.

###

It was madness.

Madness, sweet and mind-numbing. Stupidity, massive foolishness. Insanity, making him feel… dammit, how could a single stomach produce so much giddiness?

Kakashi knew with a clarity that ached a little that he should have refused. But he was too weak, he didn't want to, not one bit. In a well hidden corner of his heart, he had never stopped dreaming about baby girls that had pink hair, cried very little and loved their papa very much, not even during the time he had come to believe he might never see Sakura again.

Utter madness.

He had so many other things to consider and to sort out but it was impossible not to think about making babies with Sakura. It had never… it had never felt better than the last few nights. Making a baby was not just making love. It was making love with a most wonderful purpose. Even if he knew that it was very unlikely that there would be a baby. And regretted it.

Damnation, he was a lost cause and he had not the slightest idea how he could ever fix this.

With a sigh, Kakashi took one of the letters from the pile on his desk. It looked a little roughed up, like it had come a long way. Who could have written it? He opened it with the letter opener, pulled out the slightly fragrant paper, unfolded it, his eyes flitting to the signature at the bottom… and sucked in his breath.

"Bad news?" the always hovering Kaeru frowned.

"No," Kakashi said, "the opposite. It's from Tsunade! She's coming back. Soon, it seems."

"About time," Kaeru grumbled, but he sounded relieved. "Leaving you alone with this mess."

"She says she got stuck due to the bad weather," Kakashi read. She can take over from me, he thought, giddy, silly, pointless hope rushing through him.

Madness. He was about ready to believe in a future with him, Sakura and babies. Even if he should know better. Even if he knew the extent of the mess he was in.

"Sensei?" Kaeru asked. "Will we wait for her before going to the caves?"

Kakashi put Tsunade's letter to the side and folded his hands. They should. With the Godaime by his side they would be so much stronger. But did they have the time? The weather wasn't only good for trade. It also meant that troops could move. Towards Konoha. And he didn't mean Keiki's men by that.

"I have doubled the frequency of the scouting missions so we get enough advance warning if anything moves," he said. "But I don't think we can wait even with those precautions. I don't think she will wait."

He didn't want to call her by the name that didn't fit her. So 'she' it was. She. Rin's "sister" who was like her in almost all things but character. Oh, part of him was burning to meet her. The other part was horribly afraid.

He would have to kill her.

Again.

Could he do it?

Kaeru nodded. "We will continue preparations in your absence, Sensei, so that we can leave quickly. What about the foreign doctor, have you talked to him?"

Kakashi shrugged. "He's coming with me, I told you."

That had been clear the second Mrs. Nohara had mentioned Micha's family. The absurdity of it! Sakura went all the way to that foreign country, only for that foreign country to be already knocking at their door with deadly things like guns. And of all possible people to accompany Sakura back, Micha was the son of someone so influential they even made the Noharas nervous? Not that Sakura had been able to tell him a lot about that family… von Krafftheim-Hohenzollern. An unpronounceable name. Apparently, Micha had always been fairly tight-lipped about them, but Sakura had recalled that his parents were very wealthy and she thought she had once heard that his uncle was in politics. She also knew that they had not been happy about his choice of profession.

Well, Kakashi liked Micha and he was certain the man meant them no harm. Taking him to the Capital to smooth the waters was a good idea, he wasn't taking advantage of him nor was he throwing him to the wolves. That's what he told himself at least.

Kaeru nodded again. "Good." He said it with vicious emphasis and it sounded much more like "good riddance".

"Come now," Kakashi snickered at Kaeru's tone, knowing exactly where it came from, "he's exactly what your sister needs, only a blind person wouldn't see that."

"Fie!" Kaeru almost spat out, his face suddenly furious, "Sensei, don't you dare to meddle. I know you like that foreign bear of a man, but he is not someone my sister needs! She is completely fine with just me."

"Mhm," Kakashi hummed, "right. Just you."

"We've always been just fine with each other!" Kaeru was getting a little too enraged. Clearly, he must realize he had long since lost this competition.

"Sure," Kakashi stretched his arms, "if you say so. With each other plus many books from the library."

"Sensei!"

"What?" Kakashi blinked innocently. "I'm not implying anything. It's perfectly alright that you have suddenly developed such an interest in books. Library books that is, not to confuse them with books you buy at the shop. Any particular topic you like or is it just library books in general?"

Kaeru clamped his mouth shut angrily.

"Falling in love is part of growing up," Kakashi said, finding himself sounding oddly like an old man, "Akane is a lovely woman. And the Okami Clan is…" intimidating as hell, even worse than the Hyugas, "one of Konoha's finest and…"

"Sensei!" Kaeru sounded terrified now.

"They insist they owe me for what I did during the war. Which could be to your advantage," Kakashi continued, his finger resting pensively against his nose. Matchmaking felt great, especially since it allowed him to stop thinking about his own problems. Actually, a match between orphaned Kaeru, one of his most trusted men, and the Okamis was a project he could very much get into to take his mind off things.

"I'll set a meeting with them this afternoon," he nodded, ignoring Kaeru's gasps.

Ah, if only his life were more like an Icha Icha novel.

"Kakashi-san!" Shizune barged in, her eyes flashing in her heated face, "they're here again."

"I'm ready," Kaeru growled and crossed his arms defensively.

"Please prepare some tea," Kakashi asked Shizune, "she likes that expensive, bitter one. Kaeru, you help her."

Like an Icha Icha novel? He suddenly felt like he needed an alcoholic beverage, even if it was barely past noon. Amazing how he grew more and more like Tsunade the longer he sat here. He even felt compelled to look at his chest for a moment, but it remained flat.

"Hokage!" Mrs. Nohara made straight for the chair in front of his desk as soon as she had entered. Tsunade never had had chairs there, Kakashi remembered. Shinobis stood in the Hokage's presence, what else. People had taken advantage of him because he was too nice and now the chairs were a fixed institution. Rin followed her mother like the last time and stood behind her. She was dressed in an expensive looking dress today. Not that he would normally consider himself a man who noticed what women wore, nor that he was proficient in guessing what something cost, but the difference between this and how she normally dressed was quite stark. And was she wearing makeup? Huh.

"Yes," he sighed, "please come in."

"When are you leaving?" Mrs. Nohara demanded to know without further ado.

"The day after tomorrow," he answered curtly.

"Rin will accompany you," the elderly woman said.

Kakashi lifted his eyebrows.

"It's for your benefit," Mrs. Nohara lectured him. "I have informed my family in the capital that she is coming. She will deliver a message from me directly."

Kakashi looked at Rin. Rin looked to the floor.

"And what's in that message?"

Mrs. Nohara snorted. Right. She did everything to make people feel like children about to be scolded.

"I'm taking Micha," Kakashi informed her. "For that other family matter, the more the merrier."

Mrs. Nohara's brows contracted over her nose when she nodded.

"He can explain to them why he is here," Kakashi continued. "And they can go back to wherever they came from and stay there."

"They want him back."

"Last time I looked he is a grown man. Very much grown," Kakashi added, indicated Micha's considerable height with his hands. "He can speak for himself."

Mrs. Nohara snorted again.

"Rin," Kakashi said to her, "We will leave at dawn. We can meet at the gates. We can't go at Shinobi speed because of Micha but it shouldn't take us longer than a day."

She nodded but didn't look up.

Madness. All of this, everything. Why did he even pretend? It was possible that he was dead in a week or so. There was no point in playing games anymore.

"Actually, it's good that you're here," Kakashi said, narrowing his eyes at Mrs. Nohara, "I've been wondering why you thought you had to tell me that Rin's… sister", what a farce! Sister! "is a menace but didn't feel like you had to explain anything else to me the other day. Was it because of the suspence?"

"Don't be impertinent," Mrs. Nohara barked at him.

"I'm not a very diplomatic person," Kakashi pondered, "we like to be rather direct in the military. Besides, I am the Hokage and last time I checked, the Hokage is in charge of the entire village. Which includes your little corner of it. You may have enjoyed some special privileges while Danzo was still alive, but he's dead now, which means you do no longer enjoy these special privileges, even though nobody seemed to have cared to revoke them before this moment."

So there, old witch.

His declaration was met with icy silence, which took him by surprise. He would have expected her condescending threats, but fine! He would continue.

"And I don't give a damn about the money your family invested into rebuilding the village. You owe this to us and much more and I think you know it. Whatever thing you have going on within your own clan, it has nothing to do with us."

More silence. Hm, what else could he say? It was almost like they expected him to continue.

"You need my help with the… "sister"?" Kakashi asked bluntly.

Stares.

Kakashi nodded slowly. "You could have just said so. So you don't know where the Mountains' Graveyard is either, do you. And this Rin here…" she flinched, which made him temper his voice a little. "Rin here… ate a berry, got hit by a bolt of lightning and turned from someone who fought me in the caves rather viciously to someone very docile."

"Do not ask questions," Mrs. Nohara warned him ominously.

"I'm not asking," Kakashi shrugged, "I'm rambling. See, I realize that I shouldn't have remembered the details about the cave, that something was trying hard to make me forget, but knowing that made me use a technique not to forget. I don't understand the details, my mind is a true, sad mess, but I find it quite ironic that it's Danzo who taught me control over my mind and that it is Danzo I have to thank that I'm not entirely lost despite of all your best attempts to turn me into a puppet."

Finally, Rin looked up. When he saw what was in her eyes, Kakashi felt so very sorry for her.

"After I'm back," Kakashi bent forward a little, "I'm going to the caves. And I will drag that sister of yours out and I will make sure she stops being a menace. You can thank me by disappearing."

Mrs. Nohara's lips were a straight line of displeasure.

"Go back to the moon or where you came from," Kakashi said. "I don't care. But I will no longer tolerate you here in the Land of Fire. Do you understand?"

Kaeru chose this very moment to shoulder open the door and come in with a tray of tea.

"Refreshments?" Kakashi asked sweetly.

Madness, but he felt great. There was so much he could lose, he realized, but that no longer mattered. It was what he could gain.

A future.

He believed in it.

###

Kakashi's departure to the Capital minus zero days. Sakura had given it a lot of thought but in the end, she had simply gotten up with him before dawn to silently accompany him to the village gates. There was no shame in wanting to be with him until the very last second. Even if he would be back in three days. She already missed him.

"Don't misbehave," Micha grinned at her. He was wearing a hat and a dark coat, looking exactly like the day she had first met him in that city far away.

"Keep an eye on him," Sakura said after hugging him. "Make sure he doesn't do anything reckless."

"Of course," Micha nodded gravely. "I will stop him with my bare hands if necessary."

"Are you talking about me?" Kakashi demanded to know, checking the contents of his backpack one last time. He looked good in his traveling coat. Like any regular jonin from Konoha, apart from the red armband on his left bicep.

"No," Sakura lied.

"I will bring him back, don't worry," Kakashi assured her.

Sakura had told Micha that there was someone asking for his presence in the Capital and after some moments of unusual furiousness, he had even laughed about it.

"It's probably my father's steward," he had explained. So he had parents who sent a servant halfway around the world to fetch him? That was… worrying.

But Micha seemed to be of the opinion that he could sort this out quickly. And Kakashi was of the opinion that he could bring him back.

Which left Rin as the biggest problem.

Sakura glared at her, but the other woman ignored her. She was standing a little to the side, her hair whipping in the wind, pulling her new coat tightly around her body. She was looking at the open gates like she couldn't quite believe that she was allowed to leave.

And it was a little strange that she was, Sakura thought. After Mrs. Nohara had been trying so damn hard to keep her locked up for months. Why now?

After Kakashi had informed Sakura that Rin would join him and Micha, she had wanted to throw a fit about it. But then, she had decided to be mature and secure and not worry one bit.

Kakashi wasn't interested in Rin. Sure, Rin was interested in Kakashi, but it always needed two. So it was all fine.

But it was also quite clear Rin didn't have to go to the Capital. A message for her aunts and uncles? Pfft. What a horrible excuse.

Sakura stepped closer to her. "So?" she asked. It sounded bitchy and jealous. Could a single word sound bitchy and jealous?

Rin looked at her. She seemed nervous.

"Sorry I can't help you at the hospital," she said stiffly. "With those operations. They're really difficult. I mean I know you will do great but..."

"No problem," Sakura said gruffly.

They eyed each other.

"I moved in with him," Sakura blurted out.

"I know," Rin said. There was no challenge in his voice. "He seems… I think you make him happy."

Taken aback a little, Sakura frowned. Rin had only been at the village for a few months and she thought she could judge Kakashi's state of mind?

"I don't want all this," Rin said very softly.

Meaning… what exactly?

"Stay vigilant," Rin pressed out. "Okay?"

Long after the three figures were no longer visible on the road leading into the forest, Sakura still stood at the open gates, wondering.