"Well Mr Oliver?"
Beck felt his face flush as he realised for the second time, he'd been caught not paying attention in his history class. His brain scrambled to try and recall what the question had even been as the narrowed eyes of Mr Brown scrutinised him.
"I'm sorry, what was the question?"
Mr Brown gave a dramatic sigh, shaking his head as he continued to glare at Beck.
"That is the second time I have asked you a question to find you not listening Mr Oliver, and I suspect you have not listened to a word I have said."
Beck opened his mouth to protest but Mr Brown cut across him; a small relief as Beck wasn't actually sure what his defence was going to be anyway.
"Still, if you can tell me what year the first new deal was signed in, I may overlook your behaviour."
Beck's brain was little more than a blank white space in response to Mr Brown's question, as though all knowledge had been rapidly shoved out of his ears. Beck could just about see Andre gesturing slyly with his fingers out the corner of his eye. Knowing he couldn't turn his head, he tried desperately to make sense of the movements.
"Err 1393?" He winced as the words left his mouth, knowing instantly that the date was far too early to be correct.
Mr Brown let out another sigh, confirming Beck's suspicions that his guess had not only been wrong, but also idiotic.
"Mr Oliver, you may not have ever listened to a word I said but did you ever think to crack open a history book? Turn on the television?"
Beck grew indignant at this. History may not have been his best subject, but he was nowhere close to actually failing it; he was just so exhausted that it was difficult to pay attention to Mr Brown's monotone. He opened his mouth to retaliate, ready to fire back but Andre gestured wildly with his hand against his throat that Beck should stay quiet.
"Well Mr Oliver?" Mr Brown was now tapping his foot angrily against the floor. Beck slumped in his chair.
"I'm sorry sir." Beck wasn't the least bit sorry and his sullen tone certainly wasn't convincing Mr Brown of his apology either.
"Well, until you learn to pay better attention, you can continue your history work in the library." Mr Brown brandished the textbook, letting it slam onto Beck's desk with more force than was necessary.
"Once you have a basic grasp of the key events in our history, I'll consider letting you back in."
Beck's face burned as he gathered up his things, shoving them angrily into his bag. He had just enough time to see Andre shooting him a sympathetic look before he left, letting the door bang loudly as a small act of defiance.
He threw himself angrily into a chair, letting the textbook land heavily on the table with a solid thud. The librarian scowled from the opposite side of the room but said nothing. Beck pulled his phone out again, re-reading Jade's last text for what felt like the hundredth time.
I miss you too.
He had been incredibly relieved when she finally answered his messages, having spent much of the morning in a haze of anxiousness after the second one went unanswered. Andre and Robbie had tried to help, suggesting all sorts of reasons why she hadn't answered from the plausible ("She probably left it in another room man, don't worry about it.") to the implausible ("Maybe she fell asleep, girls do that sometimes.") and the completely ridiculous ("One time, when I went to the zoo, a monkey stole my phone and texted my meemaw; she was so mad.").
As it was, Jade had just left her phone upstairs, making Andre's suggestion correct. He fought the urge to text her again now, not wanting to crowd her but feeling the return of the familiar anxiousness twisting in the pit of his stomach at not being able to check up on her. He sighed as he placed his phone back on the table, pulling the now slightly battered textbook toward him. If nothing else, he was determined to show Mr Brown that he wasn't useless at history. Unfortunately for Beck, his brain wouldn't co-operate as his attention waned with an increasing regularity; his gaze constantly flicking to his phone, to the clock on the wall, around the library at the bookshelves, to his phone again and then back to the same paragraph in the textbook.
Beck felt frustration tugging at him, directed at his realisation that he'd been there over twenty minutes and had yet to move onto the second paragraph. He couldn't have even told Mr Brown what was in the first paragraph he'd supposedly been reading. He picked up his pen in an attempt to force his concentration if he was writing bullet points to accompany the paragraph but halfway through the second, he found his gaze blurring as the tiredness set in again.
'This is hopeless.'
He ripped the paper out of his notebook and scrunched it back up, allowing his frustrations to vent much to the displeasure of the librarian. He stared at the blank page.
'What now?'
He toyed with the idea of just leaving campus there and then as he obviously wasn't gaining anything from being there. He felt like he'd spent the day in a haze of worry and tiredness, as though he had sleep-walked through his earlier classes. He'd tried to join in with the chatter at lunch, but he'd ended up saying little more than 'yeah' and nodding in all the right places. He also had a feeling the group had a previous discussion about 'safe' topics to talk about in front of him as there was a forced quality to the group conversation which steered clear of Jade, or anything too serious or that he and Jade might be missing out on. They had, of course, asked about Jade but not lingered on it, accepting his non-committal response with surprisingly little resistance; Beck had been expecting to be grilled about her recovery and if she was coming back soon, but instead there had been meaningful looks shared that he simply pretended he couldn't see.
In all honesty he was grateful as it meant he didn't have to try hard to keep up with the conversation when he was having enough trouble keeping his eyes open. He thought he had been doing okay when he set off for school but between his stress at Jade not answering her messages, balancing his friends and the disrupted Jazz class, Beck felt like his energy had been quickly drained. As if that wasn't enough, he was also getting persistent stares from all the other students who apparently were not bothered about hiding it. No one officially knew what had happened but, rumours had leaked out and there were many stories being whispered around, most almost completely fictious but some that were not far off the truth either. Beck knew Jade would hate it, but he also knew it would be even worse when she came back to school. He tried not to let the whispers bother him, but it niggled at the back of his mind that at least half the rumours were nowhere near as awful as what had actually happened.
Beck sighed with the realisation that he was still stuck on the very same paragraph; he shook his head firmly in to try and re-focus, but he was interrupted by the library door opening to admit Lane.
"Beck, Mr Brown said you were in here."
"Yeah, about that." Beck had the sense to look at least slightly contrite as the guidance counsellor looked him up and down.
"Don't worry, I'm not here to tell you off, I'm here to see how you are doing." For a moment, Beck wondered if he would have rather been told off than have to talk about his feelings, but he tamped down on it quickly; Lane had been so good to him, he felt bad resisting his efforts at helping.
"I'm alright, bit tired."
"If you don't mind me saying Beck, you look more than a bit tired."
Previously that sort of comment might have bothered Beck, but he knew it was the truth and, as if Lane needed more of an indication, he was too tired to bother trying to refute it.
"I'm still not sleeping great."
"Is this you waking up or Jade waking you up?"
Beck winced, more often than not it was Jade's restless movements that woke him, but he found it difficult to fall asleep to start with and he did still surface throughout the night without meaning to, falling out of nightmares that tended to involve Jade and a vast amount of blood.
"Bit of both."
"Have you considered spending the night in your own bed?"
Beck's reaction was instantaneous.
"I wouldn't sleep any better there."
"How do you know if you haven't tried?"
Beck's frown deepened but Lane cut across what he was about to say.
"Look, I know in the hospital things were different but Jade's out of immediate danger; she's also in different surroundings, her new home." Lane broke off his sentence, but the remainder was implied. Almost all the reasons Beck had given for staying with her in the hospital were no longer valid, but Beck wasn't ready to surrender so easily.
"I didn't realise there was a time limit for this, I thought we could do whatever suits us." His tone had become acidic, his defensive streak well and truly activated.
"But that's just it, Beck, it's clearly not suiting you and Jade isn't well rested either."
"That's hardly because we're sharing a bed!" Beck exclaimed "If anything it's better when we're together as when she has a nightmare, I'm there for her." He fought a rising blush at his admission but in his mind, it made the tiredness the next morning worth it if he could make the nights even a little more bearable for her.
"And that's the only reason you want to keep spending the night?"
"No, and you know it isn't." Beck suddenly did feel angry that Lane was trying to bait him, Lane knew the rest of the reason as they'd spoken about it before. Why was he being like this now? Did he think Beck was in denial?
"I know I'm calmer when I'm with her as I don't worry about what's happening to her. I know she's safe." Beck was defiant, he was perfectly fine with admitting his anxiousness surrounding Jade. He'd done a fair amount of soul searching over the last week and, especially since he and Jade had decided to give their relationship another go, he no longer felt awkwardness at his feelings; in his mind, they were now perfectly justified.
"So, you plan to never spend another night away from her?"
Damn. Beck supposed he'd walked right into that one.
"Well, no because obviously that wouldn't work." Beck grappled with his words, trying to make it sound like he did have a plan. Lane raised his eyebrows, clearly seeing through Beck's attempts at nonchalance.
"But for now, yes, it works."
"And it doesn't matter what happens to you in the meantime? Like your schoolwork suffering? Or your own mental health?"
"My schoolwork isn't suffering."
At this, Lane looked purposefully down at his textbook and empty page of notes.
"Then why were you sent out of your history class? Why have all your teachers so far today remarked on your sudden inability to concentrate and engage in class?"
Damn. Clearly Lane had done more talking than he'd immediately let on. Beck felt himself almost deflate under the weight of Lane's argument. Lane took pity on him, satisfied that his point had been made.
"Look Beck, I'm not suggesting you never spend the night again, or even that you start this evening, but I don't think there is much more good that can come from you spending every single night in each other's company."
Beck felt his stomach sink and clench uncomfortably, the anxiety spiking in a way that made him feel sick.
"Both of you are at risk of becoming dependent on each other but I'm especially concerned about you Beck."
"But I'm not the one who-"
"I know, I know, but you were seemingly making progress with your anxiety but now you seem to have stopped."
"Jade needs support, she's still adjusting, and her father isn't exactly stepping up."
"I'm not denying that Beck, but she needs support in a healthy way and so do you. Jade is learning to be independent; don't you want to support that?"
"Of course, I do."
"And don't you also want to be happy?"
"Jade makes me happy." It was another one of those instances where the words were out before he could stop them. It was the truth, even with everything going on and all the emotions it brought with it, Beck still felt like the hole in his life that had been created when the split was slowly being filled.
"I'm not denying that Beck, but you can't honestly believe this is a sustainable way for you to live?"
Beck let out an involuntary sigh, Lane had him there. For all his acceptance of his anxiety in the short-term, he specifically avoided thinking about the longer-term implications; avoiding them because of the nausea and panic those types of thoughts brought with them.
"No." He admitted quietly, and Lane gave him a sympathetic look; he really felt for the teenager in front of him. He'd risen to the challenges of the past few weeks exceptionally well, but nothing was without a cost.
"Your parents are coming back in a few days, I'm sure they'll want to see you home."
"You've already spoken to them, haven't you?"
"Yes, they both just want what's best for you."
"They never liked Jade that much anyway." Beck muttered, wanting to vent his frustrations at the thought of his parent's interventions.
"On the contrary, your mother has expressed concern for her wellbeing as well; why do you think she was the one to suggest you went part-time at school?'
Guilt washed over Beck again, he knew he was being unfair.
"Look, it's nearly final period. Why don't you swing by my office after school and we can talk through some strategies to help with this?"
Beck bristled at the implication that he even needed help, but Lane's tone made it clear that his suggestion was not up for debate. He nodded, grudgingly. Lane rose from the table, reaching out to pat him on the shoulder in what he hoped was a supportive gesture.
As Lane left Beck opened up a new message on his phone.
Hey, I'm going to be late tonight, have to stay behind for a thing after school. I'll let you know when I leave. Hope you're having a good afternoon (or a really great nap!).
He scanned the message a few times, trying to decide if it was breezy enough to disguise the fact, he hadn't stated exactly what he was staying behind for. He almost told her, but he wasn't sure how that would go down, especially if Jade thought they were talking about her.
The uneven tone of the bell sounded, and Beck started packing up his bag, resigned to the fact that he would have to catch up on the lesson another time. He looked up as Robbie and Andre came bursting through the door, quickly slowing to a forcibly causal walk as they spotted him.
"Hey Beck, what's up man?" Beck quirked an eyebrow at the pair.
"Nothing much, why?"
"Mr Brown was so unreasonable; I can't believe he just threw you out like that." Robbie's statement suddenly clicked into place with their somewhat odd behaviour and Beck suddenly felt a wave of gratefulness for his friends. He fought back a genuine smile.
"It's fine, really guys – I wasn't paying attention anyway."
"He's still a dickhead." Robbie said it with such conviction that Beck couldn't stop the smile this time and patted him on the shoulder.
"Thanks Robbie."
"So, to Sikowitz's?" Andre ventured cautiously and Beck nodded, the three of them departing the library together.
Despite Jade's best efforts, she spent most of the afternoon back in the same spot on the sectional that she had spent most of the previous afternoon occupying. Her session with Lane had stirred up a great deal of thoughts and feelings that she was struggling to sort through but a new, if somewhat small sense of determination that she would sort through all of them had appeared. She had liberated a notebook she'd found in one of the kitchen drawers, aware that the screwed-up sheet of paper she had wouldn't be that useful for much longer. It was a flimsy notebook, perhaps originally intended for recipes and grocery lists but it would do for Jade's purpose; besides, this was something she didn't want to have to ask for, something just for her.
The notebook lay open on the second page on Jade's lap, the blankness of the page proving more than a little intimidating but mercifully that was nothing new. Jade was used to the apprehension triggered by a blank page whenever she started a new project, be it a play, a song or a story although what she was attempting now felt like it was entirely different. With a great deal of thought, she finally put her pen to the paper and wrote two words, one on each page.
'Father.' 'Mother.'
It was almost clinical, she realised, the way she referred to them. She'd never had a 'mom and dad', or a 'mommy and a daddy'. Hell, she'd never even had grandparents that she could know by cutesy nicknames or uncles and aunties that had their own nicknames. She stared at the words, realising just how powerful indifference could actually be before she lowered her pen to write again; noting down every word she had ever associated with the two.
Her father was cold and uncaring; a distant person who was a parent in name only.
Her mother was weak and an addict. She was violent and impulsive.
As Jade scribbled down every word she could think of, her handwriting became more and more messy, until the letters were being indented through several pages with the pressure she was applying to the pen. She didn't notice time passing until she came to a sudden halt with the final word on her mother's side.
'Lost.'
Jade stared at it for a moment, doubting for a split second that she even wrote it, given how juxtaposed it was to every other word she'd written that spewed bitterness and anger.
Did she think her mother was lost? Or that she lost control? Or was she lost because she was dead and never coming back? Jade chewed her lip between her teeth, unable to decide either way but aware that it had thrown up a word she was now sick of hearing.
'Control.'
She flipped to a clean page, scribbling the word down in the centre before pausing to stare at it again.
When had she lost control of her life?
She let her mind wander back through the past weeks and months, after the split, before the split; she tried to think back across the years to try and pinpoint where everything had all started to get away from her. It was a fruitless effort. There was no one defining moment she could identify that was the start of her troubles. Even going back as far as her father leaving wasn't far enough. She drew in a shaky breath, the revelation sitting uncomfortably on her chest as she lowered her pen back to the paper to write in small letters underneath the word.
'I never had any."
She stared at her writing, fighting to keep the rising panic at bay as the letters stared back at her. It was almost ten minutes before she even tried to move again, carefully rolling her neck to one side to relieve the tension. She'd managed to keep a grip on the panic, to push it back just far enough so that it didn't overwhelm her, and a new feeling was slowly seeping through that she didn't immediately recognise.
Acceptance.
There was something about seeing it on paper in black and white that made it more palatable. Jade realised that maybe she was always chasing control because she'd never had any, not about the things that really mattered. She flipped the pages back and took in every word she'd written; her blame was now almost tangible in the words she'd chosen. She found herself shaking her head as her eyes raked over the page. It wasn't a new thought that her life was an undeniable mess but, for the first time, she didn't feel nearly as much self-loathing as she was used to at that fact.
The buzz of her phone jerked her from her thoughts, and she felt a little disappointed as she read Beck's message. He'd been purposefully vague about what he was staying behind for, but Jade figured it could be one of any number of things. Tapping out a brief acknowledgement, she returned to her notebook and another fresh page with her pen hovering over it. She debated internally whether she should do this, write his name down as well. She put the tip of her pen to the page, holding it still for almost a full minute before she withdrew.
'Not now.' She decided, unwilling to let her mind take her there today. Instead she shut the notebook, taking care to wedge it down the side of the sofa so that only she knew it was there. She knew Beck probably wouldn't do more than ask about it, if he even did that, but after almost two weeks of feeling like her innermost thoughts were public property, Jade wanted to keep it private. She gave the little foam ball a few squeezes for good measure, an attempt to dissipate the nervous energy she could feel threatening to build-up again. She reached for the remote and flicked on the television, allowing the bland programming to wash over; a brief reprieve from the continuous stream of thoughts tunnelling through her brain.
Beck felt somewhat relieved as he finally pulled up the gravel driveway to Mr West's house. The remainder of the afternoon hadn't been as bad as he'd been expecting. The whole gang was in Sikowitz's class and while he keenly felt Jade's absence, the lesson was chilled out enough that paying attention wasn't as difficult as he'd expected. Sikowitz had taken them through a recap of the semester so far and then Andre, Robbie and Cat perform a series of improvs which only became more outrageous the longer they went on. His session with Lane had felt long but had given him a lot to think about. He'd thought the 'exercises' Lane had given him were overkill but Lane's insistence had stalled his protests.
Thankfully, the front door was unlocked, and Beck realised he may have to approach Mr West about a key of some sort; a conversation he was not looking forward to. He called out as he entered and heard a small voice as Jade indicated she was upstairs. Call him a sap, but Beck couldn't stop the smile spreading over his face at the sound of her voice, hopeful that it might mean her day had gone well. He almost jogged up the stairs taking them two at a time before rounding the corner to see Jade sitting on the sofa.
"Hey!"
"Hey."
Jade offered up her own smile, although admittedly it was more subdued than Beck's, but it was enough to satisfy him that she was definitely doing better than she had been that morning. He dumped his bag on the floor and collapsed right next to Jade on the sofa, who was momentarily taken aback by his close proximity before relaxing, expecting Beck to put his arms around her. She was caught off-guard again when he moved towards her and instead of enveloping her in a hug, brought his lips to hers in a short kiss. Jade's surprise didn't last long as she gently returned the kiss before he drew back, a smile still evident on his face as he drew her into the original embrace she'd been expecting. She settled back into his arms, letting herself relax against him as she waited for him to start talking.
Beck felt a welcome relief flood his body as he held Jade. It was solid proof that she was still in one piece. He inhaled deeply, smelling her familiar conditioner that hung around her newly washed hair. He was impressed she'd managed to do it all by herself with only one arm.
"So, how was your day?"
Jade fought the urge to clam up and tell Beck to mind his own damn business, instead she took a breath and gave a shortened re-count of the day. He listened quietly, passing comment where appropriate but mostly just trying to make her feel supported. He let her pause before she started to touch on some of the topics she'd discussed with Lane without interruption.
Jade didn't want to tell him everything, but she found she did want to tell him some things, it almost helped her feel a bit lighter being able to voice some of her thoughts from the morning. Beck brushed off her apology for not answering her phone with his standard chilled attitude; it confused Jade a little, his words didn't quite match his behaviour, but she ignored it for now, asking about his own day instead.
Beck gave a somewhat sanitised version of his day, glossing over the trouble he'd experienced in favour of describing Trina's screams after the sprinkler went off and how impressed he was at Cat's British accent in the afternoon improv. He avoided mentioning what he'd stayed behind for and Jade didn't press him, although it didn't go unnoticed. It was aggravating but she was trying hard to put her trust in him, if it was something she needed to know, she wanted to trust that he'd tell her when he was ready.
They watched television for a bit, only interrupted as Mr West arrived home. This time he didn't bother to walk up the stairs instead calling up to let them know they should go ahead and sort out dinner; he had work to do all evening so would be in his office. Beck scowled, his annoyance at her father outweighing relief that they wouldn't be forced to sit through another excruciating dinner but Jade barely even blinked. She couldn't stop her mind wandering to the office and the lonely picture in the corner of the bookshelf, but she simply squeezed the foam as hard as she could, willing the flood of anger and abandonment to move on before Beck noticed.
They ended up ordering pizza that Jade struggled to do little more than pick at after the first slice. Beck pretended he hadn't noticed and dutifully ate the crusts that she left behind, earning him a half smile from Jade. The evening was an altogether quieter affair, with the only real difference taking place as Beck came back into the bedroom after cleaning his teeth to see Jade sat on the side of the bed, quietly contemplating the contents of her hand.
"What ya doing?" He tried for playful but one look at Jade's face and he could tell the situation was anything but. He approached her only to see a little blue pill was resting in the palm of her hand, the clear recipient of her hard stare.
"Sleeping pill?" He questioned quietly.
"Yeah." Jade swallowed, wondering how something that looked so innocuous could be giving her so much grief. Beck moved carefully to sit down next to her on the bed, taking care not to jostle her.
"Are you going to take it?"
Jade's lips twitched. Even now she'd taken it out the little foil packet she was still undecided.
"It's stupid really."
"No, it isn't." Beck reached over and closed her fist around it, putting his hand on top of hers in a supportive gesture and placing a kiss on the side of head. He knew Jade had a soft spot for those types of kisses in particular, she'd often proffered him the side of her head when they were dating before whether it was as one of them was leaving or simply snuggled up together either in bed or on the couch. Now, he hoped they conveyed the silent support and love she needed; letting her know whatever decision she made, he would stand by her. He got back up and went to turn down the lights and the other side of the duvet. It was out of the corner of his eye he saw Jade straighten her back and toss her head back as she swallowed the little blue capsule. He covered his surprise at her actions as he got into bed, manoeuvring the pillows so she had one extra on her side; he'd noticed her shoulder had been giving her a lot of pain the previous evening. He let Jade settle into his side and again felt himself relax in her presence as he pulled their book into his lap.
He knew the pill must have had some effect as Jade was asleep after barely thirty minutes of his reading. Deciding it would be wise to follow suit, Beck closed the book and switched off the final light before shutting his own eyes. His arm tightened slightly around Jade in the dark, a final reassurance that she was still right there beside him.
Jade found herself being pulled from her sleep before she was ready, her eyes blinking as they struggled to adjust to the darkness. The darkness.
'All that stress over a pill and I've still woken up in the middle of the night.' Jade thought, somewhat annoyed that for the amount of deliberation that had gone into the decision and it hadn't kept her asleep at least until dawn. She winced as she found she'd slipped down the pillows and her sling was caught in Beck's hand, pulling her shoulder in an odd angle. She freed the sling and tried to settle again, only to realise that she was too uncomfortable to go back to sleep any time soon. Her mind was also wide awake, filing through her thoughts as though she'd been awake for hours. With a small sigh, she carefully slipped out from under Beck's arm and shuffled to the edge of the bed. After sparing a quick glance to check she hadn't disturbed him, Jade moved quietly from the room.
She switched on the floor lamp to the lowest setting, appreciating the warm glow it gave the room. She sat back down on the sofa and thought about switching on the television or maybe going downstairs to get a glass of water although neither seemed to appeal to her. The room felt stuffy, as though the air was somehow heavier than before, making it difficult to breathe. Then there was the faint smell of paint. Jade quickly realised where that line of thinking was going to take her, especially if the new tightness in her chest was any indication and she sprung up from the sofa. She unlocked the French doors and opened them to let some of the fresh night air in, hoping it would be sufficient to distract her.
Curiosity got the better of her as she ventured out onto the balcony for the first time since she arrived at her father's house. She walked up to the railing and took several deep breathes, keen to steady her heartbeat before it got out of control. She idly wondered if this was a side effect of the pill she'd taken or just her brain doing its usual PTSD thing; either way, she wanted it to stop. She felt her agitation rise as he shoulders twinged painfully again, the ache having never really left since she woke up. Frustrated she pulled the sling off entirely, keeping her arm raised but letting it drop a little which almost immediately took the pressure of. Jade allowed herself a small sigh of relief before manoeuvring herself into one of the cushioned loungers set-up a few paces away. As she sat, she carried on the rhythm that was now becoming second nature to her.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
There was comfort in the repetitions, a distraction that helped her ground her thoughts and help balance out her breathing. As she breathed, she looked out at the darkened view of the hills, the smallest sliver of sea visible in the distance if you knew what to look for, it's presence revealed through a reflection off that night's full moon. A cool breeze ruffled the bottom of her sleep shorts, but it wasn't enough to bother her just yet. An image of the cliff flashed in-front of her eyes, a white cliff surrounded by a stormy sea and an overcast sky. Jade wasn't sure if she'd just dreamed about it and forgotten or whether it was a memory from earlier in the day.
'What is the deal with that damn cliff anyway?' She wondered, none the wiser as to why she kept thinking of it, or even where it was. She re-focused her eyes on the horizon, hoping that soon enough she'd feel drowsy again.
Blood.
It was so clear he could smell it, taste it almost; the metallic twang was suffocating his senses and all he could see was red. He tried to move but his feet seemed to be fixed to the ground beneath him. He squinted, desperate to make out something among the red, his heart stopping when a familiar body came into view. Jade's body was twisted at a grotesque angle, her head tilted backwards towards him. He felt like his heart stopped as he saw her eyes open and lifeless, looking straight at him. He opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He tried to fight the invisible force keeping him still, frantic to get to her, but to no avail. The blood around her was growing faster and faster; Jade was dead, of that he was certain. The realisation crashed over him, yanking him from his sleep and bolting him upright in bed.
"Jade?" He all but shouted as his breathing came fast and uneven. It took a moment for his brain to catch-up, his eyes struggling to adjust in the dim light. He fumbled for the bedside light, still breathing heavily and thrown off balance as his spare hand searched for the warm body, he knew should be beside him. He slammed the lamp on, nearly knocking it clean off the stand as his other hand came up empty.
Jade wasn't there.
"JADE!"
This time he couldn't stop himself from shouting, leaping out of the bed. He stumbled backwards out the bedroom, his heart in his mouth as his thoughts started to race. His mind was filled with the visions from his nightmare, dread filling him. He almost tripped over his feet into the living area, his brain not comprehending the dim glow created by the floor lamp, instead only noticing that Jade wasn't there either. His eyes swept back and forth, adrenaline surging into his legs in preparation to run downstairs and out the front door to find her. It was only as he turned a silver glint caught the corner of his eyes, the organza of the curtains covering the balcony doors was blowing slightly in a gentle breeze.
Beck crossed the room in a matter of seconds, as his brain joined the dots as to how there was a breeze when he remembered shutting the doors before, they'd gone to bed. He almost shook with relief when he saw the outline of Jade sitting on a double lounger on the balcony. He gripped the door frame for support, finally giving his breathing a chance to start evening out; he felt like he'd run a marathon.
Jade hadn't noticed him straight away, transfixed by the crescent moon casting an eerie glow on the distant horizon. However, after a moment or two she became aware that someone was watching her and was unsurprised when Beck slipped out the French door. He padded quietly over to her and she moved almost without thinking to allow him to slip behind her. He noticed the discarded sling on the floor next to them, but he chose not to comment, instead option to carefully wrap her up in his arms.
They sat like that for a moment, Jade looking far out to sea and Beck simply taking comfort in her warm body wrapped up in his.
"Your heart is racing." The words were so quiet he almost missed them.
"Sorry." he murmured into her shoulder "Why are you out here?"
"Woke up, couldn't get back to sleep" she stated plainly "I did try so you can skip the lecture"
Usually Beck would have responded with something sarcastic, but he stayed silent, still savouring the feel of her body against his. It served as a reminder that she was still alive, that his nightmare was just that and he dearly needed a reminder just right now.
Jade frowned, suddenly aware of her boyfriend's odd behaviour and the almost desperateness to the tight hold he had on her. She shifted slightly, turning her head to look at him. Even in the dim light, she could see the tension in his face, the dampness in his hairline that betrayed his sweaty state.
"Beck what's wrong?" She was beginning to get concerned.
"Nothing, I just woke up and you weren't there." he sighed "I got worried is all."
Jade's frown deepened; this didn't seem like normal worried behaviour to her. As it was, she didn't understand why her no longer being in bed had concerned him so much. It was hardly the first time in their relationship she hadn't been there when he'd woken up. He'd often woken up in the RV only to find Jade had taken up in a chair outside, reading some horror novel or play to pass the time when she couldn't sleep. Now though, Jade sensed he was holding something back.
"Beck, I thought we were being honest with each other." She felt rather than saw him tense, her words were designed to provoke a reaction, but it didn't stop her feeling a slight twinge of guilt. After a moment, he sighed allowing some of the tension to leave again.
"I had a bad dream."
"About?" she prodded
"It's not important."
"Beck?" She looked him straight in the eyes now, trying to get a read on him. She could see the stress and anxiousness within them, and it worried her.
"It was about you." he offered, still not willing to part with all the information.
"I'd figured that much for myself, what happened?" The tension was back, and Jade felt his grip tightened, his bare chest now cool and slightly clammy against her thin top.
"And it's the same one I've had before, I go back to the moment I found you unconscious and surrounded by, by your blood." Jade took a shallow breath in, Beck had never spoken about this before.
"Except in the dream I can't move no matter how much I try and-" Beck broke off, feeling tears spring to his eyes.
"And?" Jade prompted quietly, wanting him to get it out despite simultaneously dreading what he was about to say.
"And you're almost certainly dead." This time it was Jade who tightened her grip on him, bringing her good arm up to wrap around his. Beck held on tight, shaking slightly with the effort, his face now buried in her shoulder. Usually he could just about shake the dream off, but something about waking up and finding Jade gone had tipped him over the edge.
Jade lifted her hand and took his in hers before ever so gently moving it over her chest and covering her heart, mirroring the same gesture he'd done to her two weeks ago when she first woke-up in the hospital bed. Even in his present state, Beck knew not to press too hard, but took immense comfort from the steady, repetitive thrum of her heartbeat under his hand and the warmth of her hand covering his.
"I'm still here." she said quietly, eyes roaming over his face "We both are."
Another one down, Jade is fighting to move forward (and starting to win.) while Beck is fighting his own battles. I'll be honest, I've had that last section written since March... glad I finally got to write it in! Crazy how one idea can follow you around.
I thought it was time some of the gang made a reappearance (albeit brief); and they will be back next chapter as I'm sure Tori is dying to know what Jade thought of the hamper. Also, we will find out what has Mr West been up to (apart from being an awful human...).
As always, all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own - I wrote half of this recovering from a migraine so while I did check it there could be some amusing mistakes in there (sorry!).
Thank you to all the lovely people who have reviewed so far, never fails to put a smile on my face.