Falling Apart, Barely Breathing Chapter 33: 33: I Will Follow You Into The Dark, a grey's anatomy fanfic

Author's Note:

Additionally, I have some favorite books. Can you tell? Let me know :)

Have been looking forward to writing this chapter since I began the story!

It's funny, as an author to have favorite chapters, but I do, and this is one of them.

(Along with Chapter 4, Let It Be… And probably Chapter 13, BOT part 3…)

This is the longest chapter so far, ever, and it's all for the FANS!

This one, I feel it could almost be a one-shot on its own… Almost.

Let me know that when you finish it, I love to hear from you.

Hope you enjoy :D

bobbiejelly

PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":

Meredith knew, somehow, that today will be the end of the world for someone, somewhere. And apparently, this time, unlike the last time, the power would be all in her hands.

Addison knew, somehow, that today will be the end of the world for someone, somewhere. And apparently, this time, unlike the last time, the power would be all in her hands.

As Meredith and Addison processed all of these thoughts, they couldn't wait to escape it all.

They couldn't wait to get out of the Seattle Grace McHospital.

They couldn't wait to take a goddamned break from this 'game' or this godforsaken 'arena'.

Addison and Meredith knew, somehow, that as soon as they did it, they knew they'd escape it, today.

Somehow, they knew they won't be spending another night in this arena; not like this, at least... Not each alone left with all of their questions, yet without any answers…

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by me, bobbiejelly . NOW RATED E FOR EXPLICIT. You're welcome :)

Chapter 33: I Will Follow You Into The Dark

"It's not like I have no one to drink with me, I have you" Addison answers more boldly.

"So you're drinking with me," Meredith asks in another question like she wants to say more.

"Yes, so I'm drinking with you" Addison answers again but without all the lace of 'more, more, more' that either of them would expect to come out of Addison's mouth after all of that alcohol in her system has lifted her inhibitions.

And Meredith wants to say something so she says, "I'm happy to be drinking with just you, too…"

"I shut my phone off, so we can talk now and it can be 'just us' now. Just us and no one else interrupting..." Addison says as if she's working up to even more.

And Meredith also understands the implication of Addison's statement.

And Meredith realizes this is the moment she should say something. Say anything. Say everything…

But she's so scared of a potential rejection after all of that, or that she'll not be rejected and have Addison say yes to her because she's drunk and then break her heart in two all later and all the terrible things that could happen are swirling around in Meredith's mind now that the moment has come.

And the rush of panic and fear and angst is so strong it brings tears to Meredith's eyes. And she shudders as she slides off the barstool, and runs off to the washroom.

She's not sick at all, she's just upset. And it breaks Addison's heart in two to see her sad.

So she follows her, just like she followed Meredith there the first time.

She follows her in her heels, trying to match Meredith's quick pace in only her 'kitten heels', as she reaches out to catch Meredith's arm before she's too far away, but she doesn't.

So all Addison can do is to keep following Meredith, hoping with everything that she has she will eventually catch her…

Walter talks to Joe about seeing them walk into the washroom together for the second time.

They ponder what will happen behind closed doors there together.

But they're not worried. Not worried, for either of them, in the slightest…

They go to post a note on the door to the washroom, telling everyone to use the other one.

They want to give the girls a little privacy, this is not something either of them needs an audience for...

Meredith goes to the washroom to freshen up as she's crying.

She runs her hands under cold, cold water, just as Addison had done earlier when she was overwhelmed.

Addison follows her and finally ends up in the same room, seeing Meredith sat down and leaned up against the very wall that she and Meredith had leaned against the last time they were here.

Meredith motions for Addison to sit down next to her, and Addison does.

Meredith scooches herself so that she's shoulder to shoulder with Addison, just like they had been in that supply closet that one time.

"You know you always smell like lavender," Addison says as she brings the tip of her nose to the top of Meredith's head and inhales.

"You smell like brown sugar," says Meredith, then, to Addison. "Brown sugar and spice, it smells really nice" Meredith giggles at her own rhymes.

"Brown Sugar and Lavender…" Meredith says to Addison, "That sounds like a really good love story," she says.

"What about Lavender Desires?" Addison asks her.

"Mm, maybe that, too," Meredith laughs.

"Or 'When I Fall' because apparently I do that every time I try to buy snacks," Addison says with a bit of self-deprecating humor.

"As long as the sequel is 'In Your Arms' Meredith smirks at her. "I saved you from a concussion you would be bleeding if I hadn't been there by then" Meredith quips.

"Right but then the follow up would have to be 'Never Let Go' because…" Addison doesn't want to finish that sentence so she leaves it blank and hopes that Meredith changes the subject, and luckily, Meredith does.

"You know what would be a TERRIBLE name for a love story?" Meredith asks Addison.

"What?" Addison asks her, intrigued.

"The look who dated Derek and now life sucks club," a novel" Meredith laughs and Addison tries not to be paranoid about Meredith finding that funny because she's said that before and she doesn't remember.

"Oh I got the worst one of all," Addison says to her.

"What, really? If you say something funnier I'm going to have a heart attack laughing," Meredith says to her.

"If I were to invent the stupidest and ridiculous and outrageous 'love story' of all time, I think that I'd call it all 'Faceplanting and Failing to Inhale," Addison says to Meredith who quirks up at her without fully understanding.

"Because we're crumbling to the floor and hardly exhaling now, and we're laughing at the stupidest titles for hypothetical love stories as if 'hypothetical love is not dead'. And we're dying laughing at how insane our lives have become after Derek," Addison says to her.

"Derek's not even a terrible guy," Meredith says to her. "I don't want him back, I know I already said that but I'm saying it again. It's just that he's done awful things to both of us and I still want to tear him a new one, but he's not actually terrible," Meredith says in all seriousness.

"He's not a terrible guy," Addison says to her, honestly, wishing she could say more about why he really wasn't as terrible and actually could relate more to them both than anyone else even knew. But Addison knows she can't say that, so she says this instead:

"I don't want him back, either, just for the record," Addison laughs again.

"Well I'd sure hope so I mean you just chopped his name off your own I think that's pretty decisive, says Meredith, again laughing at Addison's RIDICULOUSLY long name.

"True, that is true," says Addison with a sigh.

"Do you really miss having a ring on your finger?" Meredith asks Addison, seriously.

"Only the way that it felt on my digit, and that I used to twirl it into my hands when I'd get sad," Addison answers her honestly.

"I do this thing with my keys when I'm stressed; I rub them around in my hand," Meredith says to her.

And Addison feels heart warmed at the thought that Meredith has been doing this as well and that she'd even say that all out loud, but she didn't want to say that she liked to do this, too.

"Hey, Addie. Your lips look a bit dry" Meredith says sort of innocently, but it makes Addison flush to realize Meredith had been staring at her lips.

"Oh, I guess?" Addison tries not to stammer, entirely.

"Here," Meredith offers her the very tube of lipstick Addison had planted in her outfit.

And Addison's widen at Meredith's clearly calculated exchange.

"You know, it really is your color, too," Addison says to her, applying the lipstick as Meredith is mesmerized by this, and all Meredith is thinking is that it was, in fact, the same color that Addison used on herself.

"It makes your lips look-" Meredith was going to say 'like candy' or something cringe like that but then she reconsiders it and settles on a mumble like 'good' or 'nice' or 'what' and then she flushes and looks away.

"Are you feeling a bit better?" Addison bails her out of the awkward response and notices Meredith is no longer crying.

"Yeah, I'm just tired and sore," Meredith sighs because she's not ready to get into it, yet.

"I might know just the thing," Addison offers to Meredith, and Meredith doesn't know at all what Addison is implying until she feels Addison's strong hands atop her shoulders.

"You don't have to if you don't-" Meredith offers for Addison to stop if she doesn't want to.

(But holy hell did Addison WANT TO, she's wanted to do this since Meredith gave her that massage in the scrub room. Her fingers ached to be in physical contact with her… So, so, much…)

"Here, let me. I don't want to feel like I owe you…" Addison starts massaging Meredith's shoulders, in the way that Meredith had done to hers, only mere hours ago.

('I don't want to feel like I owe you…' Those words echoed in Meredith's and Addison's mind…)

(Ages ago, Meredith might have thought that Addison meant she didn't want to feel like she owed Meredith for showing up in Seattle and screwing up her McLife plans.)

(And maybe that was still the case. Maybe Addison still has all of that self-loathing bubbling right under the surface. She's played a part in Meredith Grey's unhappiness. And she hates herself for it…)

"You don't owe me, you know," Meredith says in a way that Addison knows she's not even talking about 'this' at all.

"I do," Addison replies sadly.

"No, you don't," Meredith says to her.

"Meredith, you apologized for more than once to me about dating Derek when you didn't even know he was married. And I already told you it didn't matter we would have been done anyhow…" Addison trails off a bit.

"And I accepted your apology so you don't have to keep blaming yourself for all that. We would have gotten a divorce somewhere along in the bitterness, and it feels better now, now that it's over…" Addison says to her seriously.

"Are you going to try to apologize to me for showing up in Seattle? Because you don't need to. Like I said you don't owe me that, you WERE his wife and you had every right to follow him and chase him and try to make him chase you back but he was chasing me and I let him…" Meredith continues.

"I do owe you an apology. I called you 'the woman who's been screwing my husband' before I even knew what your name was. That's something I can apologize for," Addison says.

"Plus the whole speech I gave you that time about not wanting someone who doesn't want me back, but if there was the slightest chance that he'd wanted me back I wasn't going to even leave Seattle," Addison says to her. She's never apologized truly, for that one. Even when Meredith brought it up the last time they were both drunk here at Joe's which of course, Meredith doesn't remember now.

"Does this mean you're leaving Seattle, now!?" Meredith spins right around with a scared and shocked look in her eye as if she had never fully considered that possibility until that very day.

"No, I'm not leaving Seattle," Addison offers Meredith a reassuring smile and a pat on the back as Meredith turns back around and leans into her again, making a nudging noise to get Addison to keep massaging her shoulders.

"But I thought you had no reason to stay?" Meredith says, not remembering the reprise of this conversation, but remembering vividly the original.

"I didn't, I didn't have a reason to stay, not back then," Addison says rather reflexively.

('But now that reason is YOU…' Addison bites herself back from saying that aloud…)

"And now?" Meredith asks her hopefully.

"I'm staying, I'm not going anywhere," Addison says with a happy sigh, not elaborating at all on her reasons.

And Meredith decides that's enough for her, now. Because Addison is not leaving, not going back to New York to be with her… Whoever this 'not Derek' but… Mark? The person is the person who slept with her while she was still married.

Seduced Addison in the way that was so much grosser than Meredith going home with Derek without KNOWING the whole story. But this Mark person, HE knew the whole story. He was Derek's best friend and he betrayed him and played on his wife's insecurities. God Meredith wanted to just punch him in the goddamned face with her tiny, ineffectual fists.

(Meredith really did have more of a temper these days…)

"Are you gonna ever live somewhere here?" Meredith asks, and Addison has no idea why Meredith would know she's staying at a hotel room, but she guesses it was probably Derek who mentioned her not coming back to the trailer, and that she had a fondness for the Archfield.

(Addison's breath catches here because she has no idea what Meredith might be about to say to her…)

"Look, I'm not asking you to move in with me, if that's why you stopped moving your hands on my shoulders all a sudden and just froze up for. All I'm saying is; Cristina needs a roommate and she asked me to ask around for her…" Meredith says.

"But why doesn't she live with Izzie?" Addison asks her.

"Izzie lives in my house, and I like having her around, and they're not ready for something like that," Meredith says to her simply.

"Plus, I mean she'd be an easy roommate in some ways because Cristina IS already almost always probably going to be in Izzie's room anyway, just not like 'officially moved in and doesn't have her apartment," kind of way.

"Look I know you're drunk right now this is not something I'm asking you to do now, it's just eventually if you're actually staying like you think you are, you probably want more in Seattle to call your own than just your Mercedes," Meredith says to her softly.

And Addison didn't realize that Meredith had made that connection, that her car was her life, and her home…

('And essentially you just trusted Meredith Grey to DRIVE your home around and keep the keys to it on PURPOSE'… Addison's mind says to her…)

"I manage…" Addison says, humbly, not wanting to say to Meredith 'I have a twenty-five-million-dollar-trust-fund."

"Yeah, I bet you're a gazillionaire," Meredith says to her in a joke.

"What makes you say that, Grey," Addison asks her, shocked.

"Your car is like from the year you were seventeen," Meredith says.

"And?" Addison asks her.

"Most people don't own their cars at that age," Meredith shrugs a bit.

"Oh, well," Addison starts to… She doesn't know. Because most people she knew all had cars at seventeen...

"Look, I watched a bit, when you went into the conference room with Derek. I saw the lawyers talking about your assets and houses and stuff. Bailey just had her hand on my shoulder and said that 'it's happening' and that's why I watched. I never saw anything after Derek told them to make changes. I left after that, but I heard, I mean about the trust fund, that's all…" Meredith confesses at least this part, to Addison.

"Oh," Addison says. And she's sort of relieved because, in her hypothetical world where she could eventually date Meredith, she didn't know how to tell her about her finances. Finances were always complicated in relationships, and Derek was a millionaire in his own right.

But with Meredith as an intern, by contrast, it was awkward because Addison never wanted to come off as some sort of stuck up vain person about all her money. Even though at least Meredith owned her mother's old house, still she didn't want to pry...

"You know it doesn't change the way I think of you. It doesn't make you like you less or more than before that day when I didn't know. And I know your hotel has room service probably and all kinds of nice things like that or something... But I just think that living somewhere stable... Might make you feel more like a real person again- and not a tourist or a wanderer or an adulturous whore" Meredith says to Addison eventually.

And even though that sentence just included the words 'adulterous whore' in reference to Addison... It's one of the many perfect things for Meredith to say to Addison Montgomery now. One of those many perfect things for Addison to ever hear... Especially from Meredith Grey...

"Meredith, we accept the love we think we deserve," Addison says to her breathlessly.

Addison is saying this to her now, because the last time she's said this to Meredith, Addison knows that Meredith doesn't remember it.

And she wants Meredith to remember her saying that, the same way that Meredith had said it to HER when she had her own hands on top of Addison's shoulders.

"When you say that I know that you're saying it about yourself as well," Meredith says to her sadly, as she presses her back reassuringly into Addison's body.

(Meredith doesn't remember this of course, but that was what Meredith had been thinking the very first time when she was drunk and hurt and alone, and she heard that phrase directed at her, falling from Addison's lips… And it made Meredith so endeared to Addison at the time, and it made Meredith so endeared to Addison, even more so, now.)

"Oh," Addison sighs. "I guess you're right about that," Addison finally says to her, sadly.

"It makes my chest hurt when I see you're in pain," Meredith says.

"Likewise, it makes my chest hurt when I see you're in pain," Addison says back to her.

(Meredith wants to say something like 'you take my pain away…' but she doesn't…)

(Addison wants to say something like 'you take my pain away…' but she doesn't…)

"That's really nice, you're really good at that, you know," Meredith sighs as Addison works her fingers through the knots in her back.

('Addison's DOUBLE-BOARD-CERTIFIED-RESEARCHER-SURGEON-AMAZING-AND-MAGICAL-MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR-EARNING-DOTOR-HANDS...Are running over my weary muscles and holy hell do it feel nice…' Meredith thinks to herself...)

"Well, that's comforting. I think I'm just trying to do what you did to me, earlier…I just don't want to owe you even a back rub, either."

Addison says sort of bluntly, but it makes Meredith heat up a bunch because what she'd been doing to Addison earlier was to try to extract as many moans of pleasure as she possibly could as she gave Addison a back rub in the goddamned 'pick me, choose me, love me' of a scrub room…

Addison runs her long fingertips on Meredith's shoulder blades and allows her thumbs to sink into the tender patches under Meredith's ribs.

Meredith thinks to herself it's a good thing she's sober tonight, because if she had been drinking she would have called out.

Addison runs her thumbs in all the knots and hot spots in Meredith's upper back. Meredith WAS enjoying just the release of those well-worn knots in her back because they were always still there after all of those long surgeries…

Meredith closed her eyes and decided to let herself have this moment without any regrets…

Addison circles her thumbs and the other fingers of her hands were caressing Meredith's lats and her sides and it made Meredith melt even more.

Sensing Meredith relaxing, Addison sighs into the contact and continues to rub and apply pressure where she could feel Meredith tensing.

Addison closed her eyes as well, so she could just feel and sense where Meredith needed her hands all to be.

It was instinctive, just like in the O.R, Addison found herself finding all of the malignancies and teasing them out of Meredith. As all of the ingrown muscle sores washed away from Meredith's consciousness, she found herself just sighing into how much she missed being touched, herself.

As Meredith had thought of, earlier to herself, Meredith was mainly a giver, in sexual encounters, mostly, but also in the realms of more platonic caretaking touches that she also offered on occasion to some of her friends when they needed them.

Cristina doesn't usually like to be touched, but she had Meredith work out the knots in her fingers sometimes. Izzie liked to have her back stroked, and George and Alex would sometimes like if Meredith ran their fingers through their hair when they were all of them watching a movie. It wasn't at all sexual with them, just Meredith taking care of them. But she never once asked for any or all of that back.

And now, with Addison, she didn't even have to ask. In fact, she had all but refused when Addison started to massage her tender shoulders because she didn't feel like she deserved it, or that she'd earned it enough, or that she was worth it…

Derek never did this for her. Idly, she wonders if Derek ever touched Addison like this, but somehow the way Meredith remembers the knots worn into Addison's back gives her THAT answer. Addison's back had felt like no one had taken care of her in ages, and it broke Meredith's heart a bit...

Addison was working her fingers into Meredith's extremely tender trap muscles now, just at the crest of her neck. Meredith winces a bit at just HOW sore that spot is, and Addison feels the sharp intake of breath and wordlessly backs off a bit to massage that area lighter with her whole palms until Meredith could handle her fingers again.

It's that wordless communication their bodies seemed to have with each other, the way they seemed to instinctively know what the other needed without having to say a damn word… Meredith was used to having that instinct for others, but she wasn't used to someone being able to read her body that way.

Usually, she had to do all the work. And now, it was Addison doing all of this for her and she seemed to really ENJOY it, almost.

"Are you still wanting to?" Meredith bursts out just to check. She doesn't want Addison to feel obligated by her, but Addison just waves her concerns away, saying she really likes helping her. And it really is the truth.

Addison was also a giver. She had also been touchy with all of her friends. It was one of her love languages, the way she showed and received affection. That's why it was so hard for her when Derek stopped touching her. And how hard it was to resist Mark because he liked to be touched a lot, too…

Addison had ached earlier, to give Meredith this touch, back the way she had received it.

She would have flipped Meredith and done the same for her, then, but they did have to get to the party, and also, Addison was about to explode at that point and she didn't think that touching Meredith more at that point would be a very good idea.

Perhaps it wasn't now, but Addison had had at least three-and-a-half Gin and Tonics so her concept of right and less right was blurry and she really did want to make Meredith feel good…

Eventually, Addison remembers something that Meredith had done for her when giving her a massage. Addison had never done this before, but she thought that she'd try it.

Addison shivers as she remembers the feeling of Meredith's tender fingers wrapping their way around her hair close to the scalp, and then tugging slightly so it hit every nerve in her head.

It made Addison feel amazing, and she wanted amazing for Meredith. So Addison curled her hands all through Meredith's hair just like Meredith had done.

She played with the beautiful dirty-blonde locks and she thought that Meredith's hair was so gorgeous this way. Addison weaved her hands right in, and slowly closed her first a little to see how Meredith might react to it.

The results were palpable. Meredith moaned out despite herself, and she put her hand in her mouth to stop herself from calling out more.

Addison smirks at the action and takes this as the reaction she needed to keep going on. Addison uses both of her hands to circle over Meredith's scalp and massage it more with her fingers.

And every once in a while she would use Meredith's little trick; she would wrap some of Meredith's hair in her hand and squeeze it into her first to make Meredith moan.

It occurs to Addison, then, that she should have known Meredith would like this, because SHE liked it, and Derek always seemed to need to hold on to something during- So it would seem reasonable to her that he would have picked someone who's hair he could pull on…

And after that thought, she wanted to forget Derek again so she re-focused on Meredith and brought both of her hands to Meredith's scalp and pulled a large tangle of hair before tugging. And the moan that resonated from Meredith's lips was so obscene that Addison kept tugging again.

She started to do this more and more often, because of the sounds and the feeling of Meredith's groans were Addison's newfound Addiction. Cheetos be damned because touching Meredith and having Meredith moan out for her, FUCK Addison was using all of her self-control right now.

Truthfully, Addison just wanted to skip all the formalities and latch her lips to Meredith's earlobes and suck them until she screamed. Addison has no idea why she knows this about Meredith, but the other day when Addison had almost bitten her ear, she'd never seen Meredith look so disheveled in that very instant.

And Addison wanted all of that and more, more, MORE… Addison wanted everything from Meredith Grey, damn did she want to. Addison has no idea where all of this sexual energy is coming from because she didn't even know she was GAY before she met GREY.

But hell on high water she wanted her. She really wanted her. Addison's fingers ached to run up and down Meredith's whole body… But she didn't. Because she hadn't confessed to Meredith yet and it wouldn't be right.

God, she hated all this. She just wanted it all to be over. She'd divorced Derek. Meredith had dumped her McDreamy. Yes, those two were the same person. And now they were both hot and single and wanting and on the goddamn bar floor of Joe's. And she still couldn't have her!

And still, all Addison wanted is her, despite this. The dress definitely helped. And the necklace. And the heels. And the lipstick, oh, the lipstick entitled 'elevator love letter', the most favorite of Addison's collection she wanted to see atop Meredith's lips…

And it didn't help, either, that Addison knew exactly what underwear Meredith was wearing right now. She's wearing that black set and the nude bra and all of it lace… Addison would be turned on by the sight of those panties of Meredith if they had been absently found in a pocket, or even on a bulletin board or an exam room for all that she cared.

Ok, Addison was starting to get hot now, as she kept massaging Meredith's back and also her head now. She was applying more fervor to her strokes to Meredith's head and her motions were firmer on Meredith's neck.

She remembers how hot this made her when Meredith had touched Addison's neck and the thought of all of it caused Addison's pants to feel tighter and her whole body to flush and blush. She's glad Meredith can't see her now because she's sort of a mess.

She wasn't even fully aware of the effect she was having on Meredith, who was sitting cross-legged in front of her, feeling her panties growing more and more covered in slick arousal. Addison had her hands in G-Rated places but the reactions her body was having were so NOT even close to PG…

Meredith could feel her insides clench at Addison's tender touches and the sweet words she had been saying to her already. Meredith feels herself grow hot hot hot and her face gets red red red. She's glad Addison can't see her right now because she's sort of a mess...

And then Addison needed more contact than this, so she started leaning in with her head and her mouth. She started to lean over towards Meredith's ear. She wanted to nibble on the tip of her ear. And bite it and suck it and nibble on Meredith's earlobe and she bet Meredith might like that and-

And Meredith could feel Addison's hot breath on her neck and her hairline and near her ear. And Meredith could feel Addison come closer and closer. And Meredith felt so hot and bothered by all of Addison's touches. And oh, she wanted Addison so, so much.

And Addison smelled like brown sugar and spice and everything nice and she was so impossibly close now. And her lips were only inches away from her because Meredith could hear Addison's heavy breathing approaching her skin.

And Meredith could feel Addison's lips nearly graze the tip of her skin at the top of her earlobe. And Meredith closed her eyes and indulged at the moment until she could feel the hotness of Addison's lips on her skin. She could feel Addison's lips just brush close enough to feel them...

And before Addison could continue, Meredith spun around and separated herself from the other one and faced her, looking her right in the eye. And Addison leaned into her, and Meredith leaned in just enough so their foreheads were pressed together and they could still see each other's eyes.

And Addison could feel Meredith's baby blues, and Meredith could see Addison's eyes range from blue to green to darker as she could read the pure lust that swirled around into them. And Meredith could see the desire, the want, and the need in the other woman.

And God did she want her right now. She wanted her. And before Meredith could think, her hands were wrapped around Addison's face, brushing Addison's cheek and Addison's hands were in Meredith's hair again, clinging on for dear life for what was about to happen.

And Meredith closed her eyes for a second, she licked her lips subconsciously as Addison's breaths became ragged already. And Meredith's thumb brushed over Addison's blush makeup. And then she allowed her thumb to go lower so she could feel Addison's lipstick smudge onto her hand.

And Addison started to lean into Meredith. And Meredith started to lean into Addison. And they came so impossibly close to each other until they were nearly breathing the very same air. And Addison's body felt like it was on fire. Her heartbeat was raging loud in her ears.

And Meredith could be hyperventilating, her senses were invaded just as Addison could inhale the sweet scent of lavender, which Meredith always brought to her, from her conditioner. And all they wanted to do was to consummate their desires and lust and want and NEED for each other…

And Addison was forgetting herself, she was forgetting everything about Derek and Mark and about her divorce and about her past pain and her promises and broken promises. And how she is still Meredith's teacher and Attending and her ex-boyfriend's ex-wife and her friend and her confidant and her friend's friend and her goddamned 'mystery lover' which she still hasn't confessed about. And how she wanted to wait but she didn't want to wait anymore…

And Meredith was forgetting herself for that moment as well, she was forgetting her secrets with Bailey, and her mixtape she'd half-made and her drink she sent Addison as her 'secret admirer' and her ass of an ex-boyfriend and how she was an ex-dirty mistress and that Addison is her teacher and she didn't know who her goddamned 'mystery lover' is and how she's so tired of being abandoned by everyone she's ever cared about and everyone she's ever loved…

Addison wants this.

She wants to kiss Meredith.

And she will, she's decided...

Meredith wants this.

She wants to kiss Addison.

And she will, she's decided...

She will.

Meredith will.

Addison will.

She will.

They will.

They will kiss.

They will kiss each other.

They will touch each other.

They will touch each other...

They will do wild and wonderful things for each other.

They could and they will eventually do everything they've wanted to do.

All they ever wanted, all they ever needed, right down to that one kiss...

BUT NOT YET.

Meredith pushes herself away from Addison with all the force that she has.

She opens her eyes tenderly and looks into Addison's wide ones and she keeps running her thumb and her fingers up and down Addison's face.

"Why not?" Addison whines at her and tries to pull Meredith back in by her collars.

"Not yet," Meredith says to her. And Addison looks so hurt and alone and sad, so Meredith soothes her sadness with her thumb as Addison stifles them the way she's always known how.

Only a single tear falls from Addison's cheek and Meredith catches it and wipes it away, and smiles through all the pain and the heartbreak as she looks up at her.

"Not yet, not like this. I can't let myself have you like this. Not tonight. It's not better than nothing at all," Meredith starts saying to her and Addison, in her drunken state, does not understand.

"You've had too much to drink for this," Meredith says to her tenderly.

"But I'm not really that drunk, Meredif" Addison mispronounces Meredith's name, incidentally proving her point FOR her.

"You've had too much to drink for this," Meredith says to her again.

And Addison nods now because she knows Meredith is right.

"You've had more than three Gin and Tonics, and you've had a hard day. We had dinner hours ago, and I doubt you've had anything more than cake, since," Meredith says to Addison wisely.

"I'm not THAAAAAT drunk," Addison tries.

"Ooh, I think you are, Addie," Meredith says to her, tenderly.

Addison's not sure when Meredith started calling her 'Addie' but she liked it. She REALLY liked it and she wished Meredith would keep saying it over and over…

"Are you hungry?" Meredith asks her, in a serious way.

"YES, I AM HUNGRY!" Addison says, but as more of a euphemism.

"Are you thirsty?" Meredith asks her, also in a literal way.

"YES I'M THIRSTY MEREDIFFFFFFF" Addison whines loudly at Grey, thinking of it as a sort of wordplay or double-entendre and hoping Meredith will catch on.

Meredith does, of course.

(Drunk Addison is not exactly SUBTLE.)

(Not. At. All)

But Meredith pretends not to notice, at least for Addison's sake, and she replies sort of like this:

"Mm, I think I'm going to get you something to eat and drink, and I'll share it with you. We can get you sobered up so you don't get a hangover for work tomorrow morning, how about that?" Meredith says to Addison tenderly, as she tucks a piece of Addison's hair behind her ear.

Meredith decides that her favorite nickname is Addison saying "Meredif", hands down.

"But I want you," Addison says pleadingly as Meredith chuckles.

"Yeah, I want you too, ya know," Meredith finally admits to Addison, seriously.

"But if you want me?" Addison tries to ask a question but she gets lost in her thoughts.

"Addie, I want you to be stone-cold sober when I finally get to kiss you," Meredith says to her with all sorts of promises.

"Oh," Addison says in response, disappointed and not quite getting that by saying this that Meredith is promising to kiss her later, in the future.

"Addison I need your consent, and you can't do that while drunk. And you just got a divorce, and we still need to talk. So I'm not going to kiss you, not tonight, anyhow," Meredith says to her gracefully.

"Thank-you," Addison says to her, starting to understand.

"You're important you know, and you matter to me," Meredith says now to Addison.

"You're important you know, and you matter to me too," Addison says now to Meredith.

"Do you want to hear something that might cheer you up?" Meredith says to her.

"Yeah, I do," Addison says, hoping for a confession from Meredith.

"Well I'll tell you really soon, but I'm going to go get you something to eat now. You stay here and get some soda or whatever you want that's not more drink at the bar while you wait. I'll be back soon, I promise, Addie," Meredith says.

"I can come with you, can I go where you go..." Addison says to her, hopefully.

"I don't want you to be out in the rain, you might get sick," Meredith says to her.

"Wait," Addison says, tugging on Meredith's arm before she lets her get up.

Addison takes off the scarf from around her neck, and wraps it around Meredith, softly as she lets it drape past her upper body all the way down to her waist.

"I don't want you to be standing out there in the pouring rain with no scarf, it'd just be a shame…"

"Thank you, it's beautiful," Meredith says to Addison appreciatively.

"Can you get Cheetos?" Addison asks her softly now.

If she couldn't have one of her indulgences, she might as well fill her addiction void with another, she figures.

"I'll get you some Cheetos," Meredith chuckles with her knowingly.

"I'll miss you Meredifff!" Addison exclaims as if Meredith was going away for a long time.

"I'll miss you, Addie," Meredith says with a smile.

And with that, she takes Addison's hand again and brings it to her lips.

She gives Addison a soft kiss on the back of her hand, squeezes her palm, and lets go of it.

And with that, Meredith gave Addison one last longing look, before she walked back into the bar.

Meredith doesn't notice anything different about the door behind her as she heads over to the bar. She passes her credit card to Joe, telling him to buy Addison as many sodas or juices as she wants but no more alcohol for her tonight.

And Joe takes the card and nods at her. And says to Meredith, "you know, I think you're someone Addison could grow into trusting, and that's a good thing,". And Meredith beams at the compliment as Walter smiles at her, also.

Meredith says hello to her intern friends as they are there. All of them stop talking about what they were talking about (aka Addison and Meredith and the whole 'mystery person' and 'scarf girl' situation and they ask Meredith if she wants to play darts, and she just says to them "not now, sorry," as she walks out of the bar.

Meredith takes out her keys attached to Addison's keys, and rubs the black key to Addison's apparently childhood Mercedes and clicks the lock open and gets in the driver's side.

She switches on the radio again, and the song "Broken" by Lifehouse is on again and Meredith starts to sing along absently to the song she sort of starts to remember again.

Meredith drives past the grocery store because it's closed by this time. And then she drives to the 7 Eleven that's near the hospital, anyhow. She checks her phone for any messages, and all she has is a text message from Bailey saying that so far the pyloric stenosis babies are good.

So Meredith enters the store, taking a basket and picking up Cheetos and Junior Caramels and Skittles and Vanilla and Cherry Lollipops because she knows Addison likes all of these. And then she remembers that Addison bought sour candies and tampons and she buys these as well in case Addison ran out of them. And Gatorade and aspirin to help sober Addie up.

She doesn't buy scotch, because she's figured out that that was for Derek. So she goes to pay and smirks a bit at the fact that there's absolutely no whip cream left in stock on the shelves. She reaches out for her credit card but remembers Joe has it so Meredith fishes a wad of cash from her purse.

She's fumbling for some quarters so she doesn't hear the storekeeper speak up at first. But then she must have asked the same question again because this time Meredith's eyes pop up after she's found her roll of quarters. "Ah, this must be for the girlfriend," the familiar shopkeeper looks at her and smiles.

"Ah, yeah it is," Meredith says to her, because, well, it IS for Addison, who this shopkeeper thought was already Meredith's girlfriend. And she wasn't going to break that charade because then the shopkeeper would probably ask for her number. OR WORSE, ASK FOR ADDISON'S!

So Meredith plays along with their game as the shopkeeper asks how 'the lady is doing' and Meredith says that 'she's well, but hungry and thirsty and a little drunk, so I want to be prepared," Meredith says to her, with a smile she always seems to have when she's talking about Addison.

"You're really good to her, you know. I hope she's good to you, back," the storekeeper says to her sweetly. "She really, really is," Meredith says to the storekeeper, thinking of all the times Addison has stood up for her, and told her the truth, and not treated her like 'just an intern'.

(And Meredith doesn't even know half of it yet… Addison might have confessed if she'd been there.)

"Well take care now, and wish good luck to your girlfriend from me," the shopkeeper says to her, sweetly.

"I will! Take care as well," Meredith says to her curtly as she leaves with her bags in her hands.

And as she walks to the car, she decides she really enjoys calling Addison Montgomery her girlfriend. She decides that even though she won't kiss Addison while she's drunk if she can get up the courage to do so, she might just ask her out on a date tonight...

When Addison finally emerges from the washroom, alone, to ask him to make Meredith her sugary 'mocktails,'Joe asks if he should provide Addison with an 'out of order' sign for the washroom so she and Meredith could 'go and get some'.

He gestures that he's actually done this, already. And it Addison is completely mortified, but also grateful, nonetheless, that no one would have walked in on her and Meredith NOT KISSING, and giving each other gentle touches all over the G-rated parts of their bodies...

Joe asks if he should keep it up for them. She really really wants to say yes? Or say no?

Or say MAYBE...?

And Addison's breath catches and she hesitates, considering it, once more before she says 'ah I think that's alright…' not very convincingly, either, making him smirk back at her in response, and doesn't take it down, either.

Addison remembers the time that she had put up an 'exam in progress' sign up on two of her patient's doors when they discovered their newfound desire for each other and Cristina said to her "GO ADDISON!" And something about getting her patients laid.

Addison tries to wipe the image of HER getting laid with MEREDITH right here, right now in this bar bathroom as she finally goes to Joe to ask him another one of her serious questions.

Addison starts asking Joe if he told her and Joe said he didn't and Walter had agreed on it, just like they had said earlier.

When she asks what they said to her, Joe responds that he just said that 'it isn't our story to tell.'

He knows by Addison's question she hasn't come clean to Meredith yet, and that she might need a confidence booster from him, about her.

"You know that I trusted you then, with her," Joe begins.

"And I said to Meredith that the person who took her home that night a person I thought she could grow into trusting...

"And I also said that she deserved to be loved fully... And that wasn't going to be by being loved by Derek Shepherd, but she knew that already, by then, - didn't she…"

And Joe gets Addison a drink as she ponders this - A drink that is not from 'the secret admirer' (aka Meredith grey), but because of her.

Joe doesn't charge Meredith's card for the drink for Addison, as he and Walter have already decided to treat Addison for this one.

"It's 'on the house', this one, as a personal gift from us, tonight" Joe announces to her, setting it down on the counter in front of her.

Joe says to her she deserved it, after having taken care of the intern, not only then but also now.

Even though Addison is sort of drunk (as Walter and Joe have obviously more than noticed,) and Addison explains that Meredith is the one taking care of HER, now.

And Addison drinks the soda, and she tastes the familiar explosion of Vanilla and Cherries. And Joe doesn't tell Addison that it's also Meredith's new favorite, and Addison doesn't ask.

She just basks at the taste of the vanilla Italian soda with ice and cherries and closes her eyes and pictures the almost-kiss with Meredith as if it actually happened, as Addison licks the taste of the sweet, sweet mocktail off of her lips, and imagines it's Meredith who is doing the same...

And now she's sitting there, sipping, lost in thought while also waiting for Joe to say more.

But this time it's Walter, who says to go after Meredith if she wants her.

"At least check if she is okay, but if you want more than friendship from her, you know you have to confess first…" Walter trails off.

And Addison nods at him, not knowing that Meredith even had a similar but different confession for her, of her own, for her…

And after Addison's finished one of these, she asks for another and goes to wait against the wall in the same washroom again, because it's warm on the floor.

Had Addison had any previous awareness of how to 'touch herself' in a pleasing way, the way, unbeknownst to her, Meredith had 'touched herself' in the shower, Addison might have done that right then.

But Addison for some completely confusing reason (despite being an OB-GYN…) had no idea how to 'touch herself' sexually. For her, sex had always been a two-player gig. (Ok, like once a 3 person gig but either way, she hadn't been alone…)

And so she just sits in the space where Meredith used to be and inhales the soft scent of lavender where she had been, just then. And she tries to trick herself into thinking that it's enough for her, now.

And Addison smiles into it, the same way she had laid down in the supply closet after Meredith had had to leave after she had just been asleep and wrapped in Meredith's arms... And she relives and relives every moment of that night so far since Meredith Grey greeted her in the Emerald City Bar...

Meanwhile,

Izzie, George, and Alex are discussing the 'missing key thing' and the 'scarf girl thing' along with Cristina who's trying to keep it together.

They are playing darts again, and they are SO beating all the Attendings at their own game. Preston Burke and Richard Webber, for all they could do in the operating room, could really not get the dart to hit the target.

Luckily, for everyone, Burke and Webber were too busy discussing hushed things with each other to notice any suspicious conversations going on amongst Bailey's interns, minus Meredith.

Burke and Webber were discussing how they were worried about Bailey because she didn't plan the party, and they were both a little afraid she was going to take another fellowship at another hospital after her residency, ignorant of the other causes of Miranda Bailey's stressors.

As Burke and Webber finally give up and leave the interns to the dartboard, they leave the bar entirely, saying they are 'just too old for this', even though they really just don't want to get their asses kicked all again. And they certainly weren't going to tell Addison or Derek how all of these junior doctors had just beaten them almost a hundred to zero.

With the bosses all disappeared from their sight, Izzie focuses more on the mystery at hand.

Once the boys finally understand the implications of Addison having had Meredith's keys temporarily, and they'd ruled out the possibility of Meredith and Addison having had a sort of revenge affair together behind the back of Derek Shepherd and also Mark Sloan…

Well, then they started to wonder what the actual possibilities could be.

"Wait wasn't that the night that Meredith doesn't remember?" George finally pipes in.

"How did you even know about that?" Izzie asks him.

"WE LIVE TOGETHER!" George just finally says, and Alex tries not to be jealous that he didn't also live at the cool house with almost all of the other interns.

"Right I think I heard Mer talking about that once, how the night before the McShepherds finally announced their impending divorce to everyone out loud in the hospital, the night before there was that train crash… Meredith said she couldn't remember how she got home…" Alex finally fits more of the puzzle together.

"Cristina, you seem awfully quiet? Usually, this type of thing would be… Your thing. It was YOUR idea to crack the 'mystery pregnant patient' case. Why are you not ALL over THIS McMystery? Meredith's McMystery?" George finally asks her and Izzie sort of tries to reassure Cristina who was super stressed out about all of that.

"Look, I've just been busy with Burke being a dick to me at work," Cristina says, honestly but also in a deliberate change of the subject.

"Leave her alone, boys," Izzie says to them, now. And they sort of stay quiet for a little while.

"Want to play another round of darts?" George finally offers a peace offering.

"Sure," Cristina picks up one of them.

"Don't make me mad or I'll want to stab you with this just so I get to scrub in on heart surgery," Cristina says gruffly.

"You say that but George and I, we're so gonna win," Alex softens finally, and Cristina accepts BOTH of the challenges that Alex has just implicitly thrown at her and Izzie.

Meanwhile,

Meredith emerges from Addison's Mercedes with her goodies stashed in her purse, and she ventures back into the Emerald City bar, clicking the automatic door lock behind her.

She notices the 'out of order' sign on the washroom and frowns, but Joe says that Addison was just resting there and they wanted to give her some privacy, and motion for her to go on in.

Meredith does, and before she notices Addison sitting on the floor there, she adjusts her looks in the mirror.

Addison says she looks nice, from behind her, just like the first night when she fixed her hair.

And Meredith says 'thank-you', again with the same weight as the first time, signaling she was thanking Addison much deeper than just a small compliment.

They share the Cheetos and other snacks. And Meredith says that the store person says hi to her.

And Addison asks if that's the one who thought that they were girlfriends and giggles.

And Meredith says to her "yes, the one who thinks we are girlfriends" and giggles along.

And they finish the snacks, throwing the Junior Caramels and the Skittles into each other's mouths and trying to catch them.

And eventually, the food is finished, and then there's the same contented silence that passes over them like the time they hung out after the vending machine in the supply closet.

They are both deep in thought as the tuck their shoulders pressed together like they like to do.

Meredith is thinking about how she wishes she could be more than Addison's 'secret admirer' right now, but she knows it wouldn't be right in Addison's state of mind.

Addison is thinking about how she wishes she could be more than Meredith's 'mystery person' right now, but she's glad Meredith stopped the kiss before it happened because she wasn't strong enough to do that right now.

And she knows nothing can happen before she confesses, so she thinks about it, seriously.

Addison is about to confess when Meredith says to her "sleep with me, and not 'like that' sleep with me…" Meredith trails off as Addison quirks up with Meredith's question to her.

"Just hold me here in your arms while I have a bit of a nap. I'm so tired" Meredith begs her.

So Meredith curls up into Addison's lap as Addison wraps her arms around the intern.

And Meredith really IS tired. But she knows more than that, that Addison is tired. And she knows there's already an 'out of order' sign on the door, anyhow so no one will bother them…

She wants Addison to get a bit of rest before she says to her something she might regret in the morning. And this also buys Meredith time to work up to asking Addison out, this time, for real.

Meredith ends up falling asleep first, cuddled into Addison's arms. She's still wearing the scarf Addison had put on her, which she appreciated for the rain.

Addison lies down gently now, holding on to Meredith's neck as she does, just like Addison braced Meredith's neck on the car ride home that first night at Joe's.

Addison lays on the floor, tucking Meredith's head into her chest. She pulls the blonde closer and strokes her gorgeous blonde hair until she can hear Meredith snore.

As Meredith sleeps, Addison moves her lips in the limelight, unknowingly, as Meredith had just a while ago.

She mouthes out drunken confessions, saying everything she wishes she could say to Meredith but she's too scared of the consequences if Meredith were to hear them in her sleep so she mouthes them.

She mouthes out and practices herself saying 'I was the person who took you home that night and I consider it to be one of the best days of my life so far…'.

She practices saying to her 'I am your mystery person, and I don't know or care who this damn secret admirer is who bought me a drink tonight because you're the one that I want, you're the one for me…'

She imagines herself saying 'It was almost worth it for you to be screwing my husband so that I could meet you and divorce Derek and ask you out because God you might have made me Gay by how sexy you are…'

She imagines herself confessing for every lie she ever told, for every promise she made Cristina keep, for every time she wanted to say more but didn't.

For every handhold and every hug and every kiss she wishes she'd gone for but was too afraid to because Meredith was just so kind and gentle and she was all black and blue and a little bit bruised from her life and her failures and her inability to keep it in her pants around inappropriate Mark Sloan shaped people.

God, she remembers the raging libido from that night when she cheated. And it had nothing on what Addison had felt earlier today when she thought she was going to kiss Grey, today.

Fuck, Addison had been delirious with desire at that point.

She would have let Grey jump her all the way, FOR SURE if Meredith hadn't stopped them.

She's kind of glad that Meredith had stopped them, to be honest, in retrospect...

And after Meredith had left and Addison had sat down, the adrenaline crashed and she was back down from 100 to nothing. And Addison is tired now, too.

So Addison closes her eyes as she continues to stroke over Meredith's hair.

And they both fall into a deep sleep for at least a little over an hour, as they hide away from the world, and alone with only each other.

(And it's all I'll ever need… All I could ever need is in her…)

They both think some version of this as they dream of sheep as they fall fast asleep...

When Meredith wakes up, finally, she asks Addison to get her another glass of water to bring back to her, and Addison goes to Joe and Walter to get it for her.

She does this to see how well Addison can walk now, to see if she stumbles like she is drunk or not. She's testing Addison, to see how she has to take care of her for the rest of the night.

Meredith tucks herself into the spot where Addison had just been in and smells the sweet scent of brown sugar that could only be Addison.

And she wonders if she ever asks Addison out if she does really say 'yes', could they get to a point where they could wake up in each other's arms as much as they wanted.

She couldn't speak for Addison, but she always felt the safest sleeping with Addison at her side. As Addison goes to get two ice water glasses she's thinking the very same way about Grey...

Meanwhile,

As Izzie tells the boys about the missing key thing as it relates to their 'scarf person' theory, the boys pretty much all but figure the whole thing out.

And Izzie is eyeing Cristina now, who she knows, knows more than she is currently letting on.

They already have sort of a plan for the evening, so Cristina decides to let the boys in on it as well.

Cristina tells them all about what she knows, to a similar but slightly lesser degree than she told Izzie.

Says keep it all a secret we want them to be together anyhow, without knowing all of that first (the identity of the mystery person).

But Cristina wants Meredith to know more information about that night, but without a name, so she can make 'the choice' for herself while she still has 'the chance'.

Cristina says something like "I have a plan to help Mer remember a bit,"

And they agree to participate along with Cristina and Izzie's plan.

George and Alex are each a bit jealous that Addison chose Meredith to carry home and help get home safe.

But they also both think that those two could be adorable together and they like what they have with each other, anyhow, more than they care to admit just yet.

So all the interns now seem to have cracked all of this case together, all the while Meredith is still all in the dark.

And little did Addison know that there was the whole reverse of the trope going on with the 'secret admirer' complication that just got thrown into the mix.

Wow, this really WAS turning into an interesting night...

Meanwhile,

Addison goes over to the bar, passing the interns and not noticing at all they are staring at her expectantly.

She asks Joe and Walter for a few glasses of water for herself and Meredith, with extra ice and some curly straws if they have them.

As Joe complies with her request, Walter sort of motions to Addison's group of intern friends, and points out they are staring at her.

Joe says if you look over now your 4 interns are talking and I think they might have put the puzzle together.

Addison says she wants to try to run and to stop them

And Joe asks would it really be the end of the world if they know now?

And Addie says her concerns to him, that they'll tell Meredith before she even gets to.

And Joe maybe go stop them then but take Meredith her water first anyhow.

And Joe and Walter smile at her as they hand over the two ice glasses of water.

And they see how delighted Addison is at the curly straws, as she repeats what Meredith said earlier, about nothing being fun 'if it only got to be straight…'

And Joe and Walter just chuckle at her and agree.

Meanwhile,

Meredith starts to worry that Addison is taking too long with the waters, when unbeknownst to her she's just talking to Walter and Joe.

So Meredith comes out of the bathroom looking for Addison, looking in the other washroom and doesn't see her so she searches around the whole bar without finding her.

All the while Addison goes into the bathroom to give Meredith her water but she's crushed that she's not there anymore, and begins her own hide-and-go-seek-game of her own looking for the young intern.

Neither of them sees each other through all this, narrowly missing each other just as they'd been narrowly missing the deepening of their physical and emotional intimacy all during that very evening.

The irony of the cat-and-mouse-chasing-cat-chasing-mouse game that they are physically doing right now, while also symbolically doing right now with each other would have brought all of them all to tears if they realized it.

Joe and Walter watch this all pan out, as Meredith eventually caves to ask the interns if they'd seen Addison recently.

All the while Addison is still drunkenly searching every inch of the washroom herself and Meredith had fallen asleep in earlier.

All 5 of Bailey's MAGIC-al interns are together now.

And they wanted to ask Meredith about surgeries.

Meredith asks Cristina "What do you have," with a bit of annoyance.

"Bouncy two pyloric stenosis babies with Doctor Montgomery and a secret to tell" Cristina doesn't miss a beat.

"Why are you happy what happened with Burke is he is letting you back onto Cardio?" Meredith asks as if that's the reason Cristina is so secretly happy.

Meredith says she will trade her Burke for the 2 pyloric stenosis babies (she doesn't say 'with Addison' because she knows that her voice will give her away…) and the info that Cristina is so rudely hiding from her.

Christina wants to put Mer with Addie so they can finally get all their shit together.

And plus, Cristina wants Cardio.

Meredith takes the deal because she wants the secrets. She's not stoked about the vomit but she's getting along with Addison ok, at least better than Burke. Or at least that's what she says because she doesn't wanna say

"I REALLY GET ALONG WITH ADDISON AS IN I WANT TO DO SOME REALLY REALLY NAUGHTY THINGS TO HER AND I WOULD HAVE TONIGHT HAD SHE NOT BEEN A BIT PLASTERED…"

Izzie is like "are you sure" because selfishly she wanted to scrub in with Cristina and she sort of knows Addison's secret and knows the importance of all of her plans. But Cristina pushes her to take the deal, eyeing Izzie to let her know this was the deal for her getting to know all the secrets.

So Meredith Mer takes it and they talk, just Mer and Cristina.

Meredith says to Cristina if she kisses Addison again then "I'll personally hire a female assassin to make you grow obsessed with studying her until she seduces you, and finally you stab her in the chest and fix her again until she eventually puts a bullet through you…"

And Cristina says to her that '"that's oddly specific…" but Meredith just shrugs and says that everything about Cristina kissing Addison makes her go all dark and twisty all over again and it makes her have weird criminal minds-esque fantasies.

So Cristina knows that, while she probably wouldn't actually hire an assassin, she would be mad at Cristina forever if she ever did anything with Addison again, which she wasn't planning on, anyhow, in the first place, which she had already told to both Meredith and Addison, but reiterated to Meredith again just to be sure.

So Cristina sits Meredith down in a booth, and promises her she'll tell her if Addison starts coming their way.

And she asks Meredith to listen because she has some important news.

Cristina admits she knows about the night of Meredith's blackout.

She admits to having kept the note and investigating it. She says that in another life, she might have been an MI6 agent and/or spy because she likes looking into this stuff.

Cristina says the person confessed to her but asked Cristina to keep their identity a secret.

And Meredith asks what Cristina can tell her, and Cristina, without any names or identifying information, says that Meredith and the 'mystery person' talked all night at Joe's.

That Meredith had been sick and this person helped her. That this person had helped her into a cab and that's how she got home. That this person had knocked into her had knocked into the plant but had fixed it up after.

And that as Meredith thought, there had been nothing sexual or even a kiss, the person just tucked Meredith in, in her clothes because she had said she was too tired. Then wrote the note, left the aspirin and water, and locked them in for the night.

The person cabbed back to their place and got home safe themselves. They hid the key under the doormat, and when Cristina found out who they were, swore her to secrecy. And Cristina agreed as she felt it was in Meredith's best interests.

And Cristina reveals that the person has not stopped caring or thinking about Meredith since that night, and wanted to give her space after Derek who she had talked about with them. And that this person might be interested in asking Meredith out, but she couldn't say for sure.

And that's all she gives, so now Mer knows about what happened but not that it was a woman. And not that it was Addison, but just that the mystery person did all of those nice things because they truly cared for her and still did.

Meredith doesn't even think to think it was Addison after all that.

And Cristina just asks her what she thinks she should do.

And Meredith thinks for a moment and says she doesn't know, but that Joe and Walter told her to trust her gut and she will when it happens. She can trust herself now, she thinks...

Cristina finishes her explanation, just as Addison finishes looking in the washroom.

She comes out of it and spies Alex, George, and Izzie still playing darts, now against Joe and Walter as there are no more customers there as it is almost the last call.

And then she sees Meredith talking very seriously with Cristina, and she goes pale as a ghost because she thinks that Cristina is outing her secret to Meredith.

So Addison comes over to talk with them giving them all a piercing and vulnerable look.

But over Meredith's shoulder, just as Joe had signaled to Addison over his shoulder about the taxicabs that first night…

Cristina locks eyes with Addison and mouths "no, don't worry" so Addison knows she hasn't told Meredith it was Addison who took Meredith home on that night, but that Meredith couldn't see.

And Addison mouths back to her 'thank-you' and motions for Cristina to let them have a moment to themselves. So Cristina slides out of the booth after giving Meredith a quick hug.

And Meredith says a profound 'thank-you' to Cristina as she lets Addison slide in tight next to her, grateful to feel the soft skin pressed up against her once more.

And Addison asks her what she and Cristina talked about.

And Meredith comes clean and tells Addison everything, retelling in even more detail the story Addison (obviously, yet unbeknownst to Meredith,) already knows from having lived it herself.

But she likes to hear the way Meredith talks about it. So she does, she just listens.

And as Meredith concludes what she's saying, Addison knows that this is supposed to be her moment.

She really needs to say something. She really wants to. And she should.

And Addison is trying not to run away or freak out now…

(Just as Meredith had run off when things got so serious, earlier…)

But Addison isn't a runner, not historically. Not in the way Meredith, historically, had been.

Addison's unhealthy coping mechanism was more about alcohol, which she had already inhaled earlier before she had been cut off, gratefully, by Meredith.

Meredith Grey who is sitting there looking at Addison expectantly, as if she knows that it's Addison's turn to say something because she's just told her a big secret.

But Addison bites her tongue for a second before biting her lip nervously.

And she reaches for her keys to fidget with. But she doesn't have those.

So she reaches for her wedding ring to fidget with. But she doesn't have that, either.

And so she wrings her hands altogether and Meredith can tell that she's stressed.

And she doesn't want to hurt Addison, so she cheers her up at the moment by saying to her "I get to be on your pyloric stenosis babies, Cristina Yang traded me," with a smile.

"I thought you hated vomit, Grey," Addison says, referring only to Meredith saying to her earlier 'she would do the thing with the hair holding and the back rubbing for Addison if she had to but she wanted to avoid it…" and not about her knowing Meredith had been sick that first night…

"Well, yeah but Cristina really wanted her Cardio crap because she wants to be a cardio goddess and she told me really interesting things, and she's my person, soooo" Meredith trails off before she can say something else.

Something else, being like, "and I would do anything, literally anything even operate on two gross, but extremely adorable, McBabies, just so I get to be around you a little more than before…"

And Addison is about to start saying 'something else' to Grey. She's taking a deep breath and forming the practiced words on her lips to tell Meredith everything and everything she needed to know, about that night, about that 'mystery person', about HER…

But just as she starts saying "Merediff, there's something I gotta tell you…'

Meredith isn't even looking up at her anymore because she feels a familiar vibration in her pocket and her pager is going off at maximum volume.

Meredith jumps at the sound, even if Addison doesn't because she's been used to it now after all of these years.

Meredith gets paged before Addison says who she is, and she packs up all of her stuff to run away.

Addison gestures for Meredith to keep the scarf on and use the car if she wants.

And Meredith thanks her and goes to pull away, and before she does she takes Addison's hand and squeezes it to her palm once more.

Before Meredith goes, she exchanges one final thought with Addison.

She says to her "remember earlier when I said I would say something to cheer you up, Addie" and Addison says to her 'yes'.

She says to her then "remember how the other day I said that people will be lining up for you, both women and men?" and Addison says to her 'yes'.

She says to her then "remember how I said I wouldn't tell you while you still weren't divorced?" and Addison says to her 'yes'.

"Well, I'm not going to be even telling you now..." Meredith says.

And then Meredith presses her right hand, two of the fingers to Addison's lips in a 'shhh' motion so that Addison won't move her mouth towards hers like she promised tonight.

And then Meredith leans into Addison, and moves towards her forehead, and plants a teeny tiny kiss on it, and whispers the words that Addison would never forget for as long as she lived.

"Please, Addie, please let me show you," And with that, Meredith slides out of the booth, running her hand down Addison's wrist to her hand to squeeze it again.

And she runs over her ring finger where Addison's wedding band used to be, and she thumbs it as if she's wanting to seal even more meaning into her promise.

And Addison's heart breaks in joy when she realizes that Meredith has chosen her.

And Addison's heart breaks in excitement when she realizes Meredith would have eventually wanted her anyway, without even knowing all the other extra stuff that Addison had done for her as the 'mystery person'.

But Addison's heart breaks in fear when Meredith says to her what she says next.

Meredith says to Addison 'I want you more than the mystery man because you were there for me and the mystery man never came back for me, ever.'

And Addison's heart breaks in two when Meredith says to her what she says after that.

Meredith says to Addison 'I sort of want to slap the 'mystery person' for being so secretive and for even roping my very best friend into it and now I think all my friends are involved and it'll take me a long time to trust the 'mystery person' again if I meet them.

And then Meredith says she has to runs off into the night because she is being paged AGAIN. And this is the second page and Meredith knows that nothing good ever comes after ignoring not one but two pages.

Meredith, she has to go, Addison asks if she should come with to the hospital and Meredith says no, she's too drunk no offense.

And just to enjoy it, she, Addison, deserves a night off.

"You just got a divorce, you deserve to be drinking yourself under the table for two weeks if you wanted…"

Addison is remembering Meredith saying that the first time and it still brings her no reassurance.

All it does is make her want to cry because she wants to drink herself under the table because of the possible rejection she might be about to get from Meredith, not about the breakup with Derek.

And then, strangely, after saying all that, Meredith finally gathers the courage and asks Addison out.

She asks her out on a dinner date, ironically to the Vietnamese place that Cristina had originally suggested she ask Meredith out to.

Meredith had expected Addison to say 'yes' to her. She thought that she'd wanted her as much as Meredith wanted her back.

And Addison thought that she did, too. She thought SHE was going to ask GREY out tonight… But only she'd gotten up the courage to confess her identity as her 'mystery person'; which she hadn't, yet.

Anyway, Addison might have said 'yes', right away, too.

That is if she hadn't sobered up a whole lot more than she previously was in the night.

Sobered up from the Cheetos and chocolates and candies and sodas and Gatorade and Aspirins Meredith had hand-fed her before they both fell asleep wrapped together...(Again..!)

Which had been Meredith's intention the whole time, with the nap and the snacks and the aspirins, even if Meredith had never said that to her not to embarrass her further, and Addison had been just a little too drunk to catch on...

And Addison thinks to herself, if Meredith was going to go all courageous and to walk in all being her 'knight in shining whatever with all her decisions tonight, then Addison was going to be brave, yet, as well, and she's not going to build a relationship of any more lies.

So Addison says to Meredith: "Maybe, Meredith. I really want to say 'yes' to you, unconditionally, now...

But there's something we have to talk about first. There's something secret I have to tell you first. We have to have another conversation before I give you a 'yes' or a 'no'; before you can give ME either a 'yes' or a 'no...' Addison trails off before saying "I want us both to know for 100% what we're getting into and what we really want, for ourselves and for each other... before we can try," Addison finishes her sentence, then.

And Addison really was willing to have that conversation now. She really, truly, was.

But before Meredith could ask Addison what she meant about 'something secret,' she ran away from her. She ran away from it all. She ran back to the babies and the hospital and away from Addison.

She said as she ran away "I'm sorry, Addie, but I can't do this now, Addison. I have to go check on my work…" and then she left her there, without looking back, and without even saying they were Addison's patients she was even running away to go help her with.

Both because she really DID have to check on those babies, 'for Addison,' even though it was still hers and Miranda Bailey's secret that she was even 'saving' Addison from herself that day.

But also because she is completely embarrassed that Addison didn't just leap into her arms and kiss the hell out of her, right then and there. That she admitted she didn't like her even 100% yet!

Meredith took all her stuff up, her pager, her phone, her coat, her purse. She leaves her credit card with Joe, saying she'll pick it up in the morning and she nods to Walter motioning to Addison to let him know she hadn't changed her mind about buying Addison sodas to sober her up, still.

And they look at her with a sympathetic look, and they want to stop her, but that's Addison's job and she really did have to go to work at the hospital. (For Addison's patients, secretly, no less…)

And Meredith turns to the interns, but specifically to Cristina now, and says to her pointedly, "make sure Addison gets to the hospital safe and gets some sleep. I would do it myself but I really do have to go, I'm so sorry, we'll have to talk another time, Addison I guess, well, I'll see you for rounds at least..."

And so with that, Meredith ran out into the rain. God, it was pouring, Meredith is grateful for Addison's scarf now- because kitten heels are NOT running shoes so she's kidding herself as she's standing there in the pouring rain for much, much, longer than she hoped that she would, as the raindrops kept falling on top of her head...

Meredith runs all the way to Addison's car, she drove to the hospital as fast as she could, and she ran into the patients' room to help out the parents in a very professional manner.

Because Meredith was so tangled up and confused in her thoughts, she just couldn't stand it.

She felt like she would follow Addison into the dark on her darkest of days...

But she also felt the ultimate betrayal that maybe Addison was trying to tell her there was someone else...

I mean, Addison had had an affair once before, maybe she was just a thing on the side for her?

Of all of Addison's secrets, this sort of seemed like the most likely.

And it's such a shame because Meredith would have stood there, kidding herself as she's standing there out there in the pouring rain with her.

She would have shared that scarf back and wrapped it around Addison if she could know for sure Addison wasn't about to be breaking her heart right into two right now.

Because it felt like Addison already had, she had already ripped Meredith's heart right into two...

Meredith had known, somehow, that today would be the end of the world for someone, somewhere. And apparently, this time, unlike the last time, the power would be all in her hands. But apparently even with all the power in the world, she'd managed to mess it all up.

Meredith had known, somehow, that as soon as they did it, they knew they'd escape it, today. Somehow, she had known that she won't be spending another night in this arena; not like this, at least... Not each alone left with all of her questions, yet without any answers…

But Meredith never expected it to happen like this; she had never expected anything less than a 'yes' when she finally gained the courage to sort of ask out Addison Montgomery.

She NEVER expected her to RUN from her potential question.

Meredith had known, somehow, that today will be the end of the world for someone, somewhere. But she never, she never thought, not for a second, that she would be the one to lose...

Meanwhile,

Addison is completely heartbroken and crushed. She had not begun to fathom how much she really cared for Meredith Grey to stay with her until she had already run away from her in a panic.

Right before Addison was going to come clean to her, too.

And right after asking HER out…Kind of, by saying she wanted her, just after a simple conversation...

How could she have been so naive to think her hesitation wouldn't be misread as disinterest!?

How could she not have remembered that Meredith had been abandoned so surely Meredith would be a runner...

And how could she have known how hurt she would be, seeing another person she loved leaving her drunk and hurt and alone to go off to work suddenly?

Derek has done this to her enough times she knew the drill, somehow.

Maybe Meredith would be the same as him; to stay at the hospital and use that as an excuse not to talk or to listen.

Maybe that's how they got along in the first place… Addison thinks somewhere along in the bitterness.

Because they understood each other more than they would ever even know….

Meanwhile,

The Interns see the entire exchange.

All of them come over to comfort her.

Addison looks at them and says to them all "WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH THAT".

She's yelling now, but she doesn't care because it's past the last call and Joe isn't letting any more customers into here, anyhow.

"She wants ME, not thinking I'm the mystery person. But she DOESN'T' WANT the'mystery person'.

"AND I AM BOTH PEOPLE," Addison screams at them.

She's confessing her crimes to all of them now, because it's not like it was a secret to them, anyhow, anymore…

"WHAT THE HELL AM I EVER GOING TO DO TO GET HER BACK?!" Addison yells into the bitterness.

Addison had known, somehow, that today would be the end of the world for someone, somewhere. And apparently, this time, unlike the last time, the power would be all in her hands. But apparently even with all the power in the world, she'd managed to mess it all up.

Addison had known, somehow, that as soon as they did it, they knew they'd escape it, today. Somehow, she had known that she won't be spending another night in this arena; not like this, at least... Not each alone left with all of her questions, yet without any answers…

But Addison never expected it to happen like this; she had never expected anything less than a 'yes' when she finally gained the courage to sort of ask out Meredith Grey.

She NEVER expected her to RUN from her potential confession.

Addison had known, somehow, that today will be the end of the world for someone, somewhere. But she never, she never thought, not for a second, that she would be the one to lose...

They all have the same advice for her, but it's Cristina that finally says it to her.

She says "you have to tell her and let her decide for herself, you know that, Addison," as Cristina continues.

"You don't want her to be living a lie, and you don't want to be living a lie either, not anymore. Your first instinct was correct, but you still haven't told her." Cristina continues.

"We're gonna tell her if she doesn't figure it out herself or you tell her." Cristina finally informs her of her new terms.

"You only have two days to get your shit together or we're ending it. We're ending all of it. And after that you're on your own," Cristina explains this all to Izzie.

"This is beyond being about just you anymore. This has impacted my relationships, and it's impacted Izzie and George and Alex, Joe, Walter and I'm guessing also Derek and maybe even more people," And Addison nods to that.

"You still deserve her, you know. And she deserves you. I trust you with her; to do right by her... and that hasn't changed," Cristina continues.

"I meant every damn word of that letter, but I also know you meant every word of yours…" Cristina says.

"She's going to need people on her side now, as do you as well. You're both broken, you're both hurt, you're both really fucking lonely," Cristina says in a swear but those words ring familiar to Addison somehow, from somewhere…

"I have to try-" Addison says, as she goes to stand up again.

Addison says she wants to end it right now.

She wants to tell her the truth now, for once and for all.

So the Interns come to watch, as do Joe and Walter from the Emerald City Bar window.

Addison tries to run after Meredith into the Seattle rain but before she can get anywhere, Meredith is long gone.

Addison reaches out her hand and feels raindrops keep falling on her head.

Addison reaches instinctively to cover herself up with the scarf but then she remembers that she's given it to Meredith, and idly, she's even more glad that it's keeping Meredith warm.

And the most absurd thoughts enter Addison's mind right now, as she's still sort of drunk.

She remembers they forgot to feed the damn plant but she's too drunk to drive there now - and besides of which, she doesn't have Meredith's keys anymore.

Or her own keys, either, anymore, to run over inside of her fingers like she likes to do to soothe herself when she is stressed.

She calls out to Meredith, but all she sees is the darkness

So she just runs her hands where her wedding ring used to be.

She calls out to Meredith, but all she hears is the darkness

Addison remembers the last time she was left out in the rain like today after being rejected.

It was when Derek came home and found her with Mark and said if he leaves now that they'll never get through this.

He left her standing there on the doormat with nothing, just clothes being tossed at her feet.

(Maybe I do have a weird love-hate relationship with doormats, Addison thinks rather absurdly again…)

As she's kidding herself as she's standing there in the pouring rain.

But this time, unlike even the last time, there was nobody there on the other side of the door, waiting to let her in.

Last time this happened, Derek eventually let her in. But this time was not Mark and not Derek.

This time she was not running into a house, but towards a hospital, she didn't know if she could even reach if she ran in her drunken state in high heels in all this pouring rain...

At the end of the night, that night, it was the 'end of the world' for someone, somewhere, somehow.

Someone was heartbroken, and someone was about to be saved.

But what both women have no clue on earth about, yet,

Is that the ones who would be saved would be the patients. (Which is good, they ARE Doctors, after all…)

And that the ones who would end up being the others would end up being both Meredith and Addison.

As Meredith and Addison processed all of these thoughts, they couldn't wait to escape it all.

Couldn't wait to get out of the Seattle Grace McHospital's godforsaken drama.

Couldn't wait to take a goddamned break from this 'game' or this godforsaken 'arena'.

There was a certain finality they were feeling earlier that evening - that they should have escaped from this goddamned endless 'game' and this godforsaken 'arena' already; but maybe they were destined to be imprisoned in it; fighting for their lives for at least another day.

Because as it turned out, for each of them, the hardest part of their gauntlet towards their affection towards each other, had only just begun to unfold.

And it was going to take the force of a freight train to stop the inevitable collision from ending it.

From ending it all; forever; for all of their chances; for the both of them; to finally hold each other, in their arms, ever again...

"Meredith" Addison called out into the sky in desperation.

But only the skyline of Seattle and the stars in the sky, were up above, to hear her prayers.

"Meredith" Addison called out.

But Meredith wasn't there.

And she wasn't coming back for her.

Not to the barstool. Not to Joe's. Not tonight, at least.

Meredith, then; just wasn't coming back, for Addison.

(Would she, EVER?)

Addison remembers Meredith saying to her earlier, that with Derek, he'd lied to her, and then he'd chased after her and after that, she'd just never stopped long enough for him to catch up to her.

"MEREDITH!"

'Will Meredith ever stop long enough for me to catch up to her? Or will I just have to run faster than ever chased her, faster than I have ever chased after anyone at all, before?'

"MEREDITH GREY!"

'Will I chase after that girl until the end of the earth, until the end of my days? I feel now like I will follow her into the dark and back out again if she keeps running past it…'

"MEREDITH GREY CAN YOU HEAR ME!"

And the last thing that Addison can remember as she's kidding herself as she's standing there in the pouring rain.

She's thinking in her 'knight in shining whatever' mentality that she's glad that at least Meredith still had her red and green scarf to shelter her from this whole storm…

The last thing that Addison wonders to herself, drunk on tonic and gin and adrenaline, is:

'Will I run after her, always, but never ever, ever, catch up to her?

Will I, Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery, never, ever really catch up to that beautiful girl, the one and only Meredith Grey...?'

"MEREDITH!" Addison called out for Meredith, yet again.

But Meredith was already long gone.

She held her own keys, she held Addison's keys.

But most importantly, Meredith held the very keys to Addison's heart.

And it's such a shame because Addison would have stood there, kidding herself as she's standing there out there in the pouring rain with her, Meredith.

She would have shared that scarf back and wrapped it around Meredith if she could know for sure Meredith wasn't about to be breaking her heart right into two right now.

Because it felt like Meredith already had, she had already ripped Addison's heart right into two...

***** END OF CHAPTER 33

Song inspiration for the last scene:

"The Shame" by Alex Cornish.

I am the one, so it went

You threw stones and I lay playing dead

With the racing heart of a teenage kid

And how do I feel?

Like you'd know

It doesn't take the brightest mind to see

You've broken my Heart And no, no, no, no

It's the shame, shame shame

I'm kidding myself as I'm standing here' in the pouring rain

And I wo, wo wo, won't

[Lyrics from: ]

Be the same, same, same

I'm kidding myself as I'm standing here in the pouring rain

As the city slept, through the dark

Bright blue eyes they stole a lonely heart

And our pulses beat like drums and we laughed

And how do I feel?

Like you'd know

It doesn't take the brightest mind to see

You've broken my Heart...

Author's Note 2:

Hope you liked this, a lot of fluff, some sexy, some sweet, some fun with all the characters, and plot advancements, and some poetic imagery, and some angst, and friendship and who the wells know.

This chapter was one of the first ones storyboarded, actually planned pretty soon after the first five chapters. It's grown to be probably the chapter I'm most fond of so far. Maybe, almost…

Yeah, I think it IS my favorite. But you can let me know what YOUR favorite is, so far at least :D.

Anyways, in a lot of ways, it's getting to the crux of the story. Yes, there is more to come. Yes, it's still a slow burn. But this is a breakthrough, and I hope you appreciate the pace it really picked up here.

Any guesses to the way it finally ends? I'd LOVE to know, see you all in the comments, dear friends!

And for those of you who have been chatting/messaging me recently, thanks for giving me the strength to go on.

The song "The Shame" was played in Private Practice.

The song that inspired the title is "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie.

There are at least 3 works I have alluded to rather actively in this chapter:

"Brown Sugar and Lavender", by Deipotent_Daisy (Wattpad)

"When I Fall" & "In Your Arms" & "Never Let Go" by Ziny-DiNozzo (Fanfiction)

"Lavender Desires", by houseofscalpels (Wattpad)

These are some of the most 'classical' MerAdd stories that also follow 'this' frequently interpreted timeline of Meredith and Addison falling in love after Addison came to Seattle, and I really do encourage reading them. So there's a shoutout to those authors, as well as the many other blooming MerAdd authors that are out there. Go you!

There are a few other references to other fanfictions here if you spot them good for you. All homage to the great work that has been happening around here of late.

As usual, wait for the next chapter is approximately 48 hours, but will come quicker if you let me know what you liked about this chapter (it will help a lot, actually,)

Thanks and much love,

And ps, my Ao3 and Fanfiction, and Wattpad are all the same: bobbiejelly . If that's helpful to you if you prefer one of these sites over another.

THANKS FOR READING, LEAVE A NOTE, IT WILL MAKE MY DAY :D

Yours, truly, bobbiejelly