November 29, 1957
Crabapple Cove, Maine

Thanksgiving was an interesting affair yesterday. We were days from coming home and didn't have much room for all of our relatives and TC and her family. So, our small group and the meal were at Eddie's. Dad promised the rest of the Pierce family that we will do our usual holiday dinner in January. TC planned on arriving sometime in February, if the weather still held.

Eddie closed down the restaurant and cooked the meal himself. He somehow managed to get a twenty-pound turkey into one of his ovens, mashed the potatoes and steam off some vegetables. He added stuffing, cranberry sauce and more to the mix. It was too much for him! I felt guilty that he was handling it on his own.

I insisted that I help with the cooking and cleaning. I had done Thanksgiving since coming home. I did not mind helping in the kitchen. Eddie told me not to and that my turn will again next year.

"I miss having company," he told me at the counter quietly. "This is the first time I celebrated this damned holiday since my wife left me and took our son with her. I used to just close this place down and drink all day. I didn't want some invitation either. I don't want people to feel sorry for me."

Eddie never volunteered so much information about himself before. Somehow, I was not surprised that he had been married at one point. I was going to say my condolences, but I stopped myself. Eddie did not seem to be the kind of person who would accept them. He was coping the best as he could.

"Would you come next year to our home then?" I asked him. "I'd love for you to join us."

Eddie hugged me. "Of course, I will, Jeanie. You all are family."

The deal was sealed. Eddie was now part of our growing circle. Smiling, I went back to the little group in the booths. Dad, Hawkeye, Chuck, Paulie, Larry, Mrs. Pettigrew and the children gathered around five tables. Everyone was talking all at once. Some of it involved recent politics (luckily, none of it about Vietnam or Korea). Hawkeye wrapped his arm around me and I joined the conversation.

An hour later, we were eating. Mrs. Pettigrew insisted on saying Grace before anyone touched a morsel. Eddie, Chuck and Paulie groaned. Dad rolled his eyes. Hawkeye and I exchanged a few words about our saving grace. The children were getting fidgety. Larry said nothing, knowing that he could not stop his grandmother.

"It'll be quick," Mrs. Pettigrew promised. Clearing her throat, she intoned, "Bless us, Oh, Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from thy bounty. Through Christ, our Lord, Amen."

"Amen," we all repeated.

"Now, we eat!" Eddie announced. He stood and began carving the turkey.

The food was delicious. All the while, I thought. This was where I am right now. Things have settled down with Hawkeye (for the most part) and we were looking forward to our new partnership. Shannon has sort of accustomed herself to school. Annabeth was preparing herself and was ahead of most three-year-old kids. Patrick and Danielle were beginning to form their personalities more and luckily have not used the other as a foil.

I've come far in four years. But I knew that the nightmares will remain. The depression will weigh me down. Now, I have more purpose. I have four little ones who look up to me. Now, there is a town that will to the future of their health.

Oh, did I mention Hawkeye and I picked out a property? It is by the seaside. It is the dead end of a road, near the edge of Crabapple Cove and Port Clyde. It's a bit rocky there, but there is development for sale. Hawkeye and I were ecstatic when it was approved, the loan put up and the workers assigned to begin in the springtime. The dream is slowly coming true!

In the meantime, I've been approved to travel around Crabapple Cove. Our exam rooms are still open. I can tend to them at any time. For fifteen hours a week though, I will be on foot to assist any person in Crabapple Cove that needs it.

The medical board in Portland sent me clothes. My nursing uniform is similar to that I wore in the Army. The only exception is that it has some color. The dresses come in yellow, pink, green and blue. Some of them have shirts and bibs. The hats are the same.

A working idea became a dream. The dream worked into a plan. The plan became reality. I cannot believe it. Me, married and working? How could this have happened?

For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I was in control. Somebody did not rip out the wings of this butterfly. I transformed into beauty.

~00~

When the first days of December rolled in, it was cold and somewhat snowy. It was also time to go home and prepare for work. Eddie was sad to let us go and begged us to remain with him for another week, but we had to decline. We infringed on his hospitality for too much and we had a home to go to now. Everything was cleaned up, like Cochran had not been in the house, and we had to prepare for Christmas. Company will arrive three days before the anticipated holiday.

"Pick us up tomorrow night," Dad told Eddie. "We still need a tree."

Eddie agreed to bring the truck over for the trip. As we waved goodbye in the Packard when it rolled away, all of us breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. Cochran was behind us. We were going to put the nightmare away.

While Annabeth and the twins were hesitant to enter, the rest of us were not and proved that there was nothing to fear. After showing the three that all was well, it was easy to get them calmed down. I was impressed by the renovations too. All of the pictures had been replaced, the carpets had been pulled up and a new one sealed in and the blood did not coat the hardwood. It was like Cochran never existed in these walls.

His ghost did not scare me either. Life had to be back to normal. Immediately, I was off to work. None of it was to my satisfaction anyway. I rearranged some of the pictures on the walls, shifted my rocking chair to another angle and began sweeping. Nothing was standing in my way of making this place mine.

Hawkeye tried stopping me. "Jeanie, we have enough time to clean. Come dance with me."

I swatted Hawkeye's hand away. Most certainly, music from his little radio as not moving me from my chores. He insisted though and soon had me in his arms. The Everly Brothers were on the radio. Already, Annabeth and Shannon were rushing around us in circles. Danielle and Patrick were giggling. I had no choice.

Bye-bye, love,
Bye-bye, happiness,
Hello, loneliness,
I think I'ma gonna cry.

Bye-bye, love,
Bye-bye, sweet caress,
Hello, emptiness,
I feel like I could die.
Bye-bye, my love, goodbye.

There goes my baby,
With someone new.
She sure looks happy.
I sure am blue.

She was my baby
'til he stepped in.
Goodbye to romance
That might have been.

Bye-bye, love,
Bye-bye, happiness,
Hello, loneliness,
I think I'ma gonna cry.

Bye-bye, love,
Bye-bye, sweet caress,
Hello, emptiness,
I feel like I could die.
Bye-bye, my love, goodbye.

I was laughing, dropping the broom somewhere in the living room. "Hawkeye, this is ridiculous," I declared. "You cannot do this to me." I tried pulling away.

"I can make my wife do anything I want her to," he told me. Then, he kissed me on the mouth, in front of the children. "Even give me love."

I'm through with romance.
I'm though with love.
I'm through with counting
The stars above and
Here's the reason
That I'm so free.
My loving baby is
Through with me.

Bye-bye, love,
Bye-bye, happiness,
Hello, loneliness,
I think I'ma gonna cry.

Bye-bye, love,
Bye-bye, sweet caress,
Hello, emptiness,
I feel like I could die.
Bye-bye, my love, goodbye.

Bye-bye, my love, goodbye.
Bye-bye, my love, goodbye.
Bye-bye, my love, goodbye.

The song ended and another came on. Hawkeye was not giving up. He was not allowing me to reach for that broom. He held me tighter and moved me further away from the desired item. All the while, he whispered in my ear a million sweet nothings. He was willing to run around the house all night and christen every room we had not had the pleasure of tumbling around in. He threatened to turn me over and torture me until I screamed for mercy. Then, he promised to scrub me down and rinse me with his tongue.

"I don't know if I'll have the energy," I protested softly in his ear.

"I have plenty of fingers and licks," Hawkeye warned.

When we heard a knock on the door, we moved faster than Dad. Still holding me in a moving embrace, Hawkeye pulled the knob and allowed Mrs. Pettigrew and Mrs. Bretton in. He did not stop to greet them either. He sang at them that he was pleasuring his wife and to leave us alone.

Eventually, Dad came up and shoved us to one side. "Welcome. Come in."

Hawkeye and I tumbled towards the stairs and fell on top of each other in a tangle. All the while, we laughed. For the time being, I had forgotten about cleaning. Hawkeye had brought me back into the moment. I didn't care about the unusual stares from Mrs. Bretton either. In the present, we were together and home and enduring a woman's welcome home.

The next day, Eddie arrived as promised, to bring us to the farm for our tree. Dad took Annabeth and Shannon in the truck and Hawkeye and I packed the twins into the Packard. We followed the familiar, icy roads to our destination. Once we parked and opened the doors, the children were free. Danielle and Patrick were fast too, joining their older sisters in a rambunctious fest. All of them had to check for the perfect tree.

I would have scooped up the twins, but decided to let them go this time. I didn't see a point in leaving the spirit of Christmas restrained in my arms. Shannon had a hold on her siblings. I was certain she'd come for help when there was a need. Like Hawkeye, she was responsible and levelheaded…well, for the most part anyway.

Eddie and Dad went in one direction while we followed the children. All four of them split into groups of two – Annabeth with Patrick and Shannon with Danielle – and would check the circumference, weariness of the needles and the height. I didn't understand their logic and laughed when they told me some nonsense. It sounded so much like Hawkeye.

Love would answer them instead of me. It was just as equally ridiculous. He'd unlock himself from me and measured each choice the children showed us in a manner that determined more of the depth of his insanity. When Hawkeye decided that each one was not a fit for our living room, we'd move on to the next one. By the time we went through half of the farm, we found our tree. We called Dad and Eddie over. The latter had the axe ready and began chopping.

Finally, I managed to grab one of the twins. Danielle squirmed into my arms. She was not happy that I took her from the action. However, she calmed down when Hawkeye made silly noises on her belly. She giggled hysterically. Hawkeye picked Patrick up and did the same thing, to prevent the pouting.

As we watched Eddie take the tree down (it was a lot of effort for him and Dad), Shannon approached us. Her face was painted seriously. I could have laughed had she not posed a solemn question.

"Mommy, how did you meet Daddy?" she asked. "People say you were in the Army."

I froze. Shannon was part of the 4077th family, like all of the children born to our comrades, and always came to the reunions. I did not think she'd understand that we were a traveling circus show for the Army, but that we were just close to each other. She called BJ and Charles her uncles and Peg and Margaret were aunts. Sherman Potter was like a grandfather to her.

Honestly, I did not know where her question came from. Was it stewing in her little mind since we came home? Did she overhear something? Did Dad or anyone else tell her something? Did someone utter a complaint in school?

Hawkeye pretended not to hear the question. He decided to hand me Patrick and move ahead to help Dad and Eddie with the tree and keep Annabeth out of the way. It left me with the explanation. I took a deep breath.

"Of course, we met in the Army," I told her. "We were in this place called Korea. It's far away from here."

"Why?" Shannon inquired. It was an authentic question. "Why did you go to Korea?"

"In the Army, you always do what you are told to do," I explained. "They tell you where to go and what to do."

"Kind of like you tell me what to do?"

"Yes, only it's worse if you don't follow orders. It means your life is ruined."

"Why did Daddy have to go?"

"Because he was told to. It's the law."

"Did the law tell you to go too?"

"No. I signed up and became a nurse when I was very young. It was years before I met Daddy."

"Can I do that too?"

I froze, terrified. I didn't know what to communicate to my daughter. I could tell Shannon no and give some bullshit reason. I could tell her yes and she'd be part of the war machine someday. As a mother, the fear of losing her brought me endless anxiety. I was never going to win.

Dad saved me. "You can do anything you want when you grow up, sweetie." He kissed the top of her covered head. "Now, off to the truck with you. We're bringing the tree home."

Shannon whooped and was off. Annabeth was close behind her. Hawkeye, Dad and Eddie kept a close watch on them as the tree was dragged, each man putting his full strength into the journey. As I walked behind them with the twins in my arms, I had to think back to that day. Sure, I had seen Hawkeye around the camp many times. The day in Henry's office was only the beginning.

"Captain Jeanette Karen Morrison, Sir! I have Post-Op duty with Major Houlihan and Lieutenant Banker in fifteen minutes. Request permission to leave your sight now, Sir?!"

"You have my permission…Jeanette, I think your name is. Or did I hear Henry call you Jeanie in there?"

"It's Jeanie. I've always liked to be called that."

"Ok, then…Jeanie, why don't you meet me in the Swamp after your shift tonight? Don't bring Dad over there. I don't think he'll approved of you going in there. I've been a bad influence with the rest of his children already. And my track record isn't the greatest around the neighborhood."

The image of that day was stuck in my head. I could not believe it was over seven years ago already. So many changes had occurred in that short time frame that seeing Henry was difficult in that memory. Even in my mind, after all of these years, I still had tears in my eyes for him. I could tolerate his death. I could not bear it though.

On the way home, I was quiet. Hawkeye found it unusual and tried getting me to say anything, even if it was silly. He attempted to keep it clean, since the twins were with us and could respond and ask what and why or repeat what we said. I gave Hawkeye the bare minimal that was required. Even when we were home and the tree was up and being decorated, I was still sullen.

I cheered up some when Dad brought in some scotch. He poured four equal glasses and handed them out. Eddie made the toast and our drinks clicked together. Unfortunately, our friend decided to put his glass down and walked away…and Patrick and Danielle took a few sips each.

We didn't realize what happened until we realized that the twins were tipsy. Every time they tried walking, they fell down, like the Marines at Rosie's. They were awkward and giggly and talked without actual words. Eddie only had to take one look at his leftover scotch to determine the cause of the disruption.

"Dammit, I'm sorry," he said. He put the glass up higher. "Do you want me to take care of them?"

"No, I got it," I told him. I smiled, to ensure that Eddie knew he was not in trouble. "They can be put to bed without supper."

I didn't think Danielle or Patrick could hold down food anyway. I attempted to get them to use the toilet before helping them change and putting them down in their beds. I was glad when they fell asleep almost immediately. When the threat of throwing up passed, I went back downstairs.

I did not miss much. Hawkeye and Eddie were going drink for drink. Annabeth and Shannon were still decorating the tree. Dad was exhausted, asleep on the couch.

I set everything to order, since all of us had an early morning (me included, since I was going to work). We finalized the ornamenting. Eddie was politely released home. Dad was woken up and sent to bed. The girls were given dinner and washed and sent to bed. Then, it was just me and Hawkeye…and he had other ideas. Even though we had an early morning, Hawkeye longed for me.

Still drunk, Hawkeye suggested a game. He wanted to play checkers with shot glasses. I declined and pulled out Candy Land. Immediately, Love was intrigued. This was new.

"Into the bedroom," I ordered him. "I don't want to be naked in the living room."

Hawkeye was clearheaded enough to understand the need for some decency. We went upstairs and closed our bedroom door. Then, we set down the new rules. While we played normally, certain colors demanded specific actions and it depended on what the other person desired. Once we determined which color equated to what, we were off. Hawkeye went first and landed his green gingerbread man on a yellow square.

"So, which breast will it be?" he inquired. "Left or right?"

I pulled my shirt down and showed him both. "Depends on which color I pick. Remember? Red and blue are left. Orange and purple are right. Green and yellow mean both."

For a few hours, there was some peace between us. We had so much fun playing. When we finished the game and Hawkeye decided on more drinks, I was in. He brought the remnants of the bottle of scotch from earlier. He filled our glasses and we competed to see who can finish it first, without a drop inside. Easily, I won.

"This means you suck on a clean toe," I announced randomly. I twirled my right foot in his direction. "It has to be the smallest one."

Hawkeye was disappointed. "I can't pick the middle?"

"You'll disturb the other toes."

"This is what ear muffs are for."

Around and around this went, until we had nothing left except a wrestling match on our bed. It was almost midnight and all was still quiet within the Pierce household. We were the only mice making noise and we were trying very hard not to wake anyone else up in this new session. We didn't want the children to think Santa Claus came early.

Eventually, after we had enough playtime, we both fell asleep in each other's arms. A few hours later, my alarm went off and Hawkeye and I were up for work. I dressed in my nurse uniform and followed him downstairs. There, we made some coffee and small talk. Nobody else was up yet. I had some time before Shannon had to go to school.

Hawkeye soon drew back to the day before. "What upset you yesterday, Jeanie? You were quiet."

I didn't want to talk about it. Henry was a distant memory. This was a new day. It was cloudy and it looked like a storm was brewing. I was supposed to be on my first day on the job. The children were not in my hands for a portion of the day. I had to remain focused.

I took a deep breath, unable to hide anything from Love. "Henry. Shannon asked me how we met and I was thinking about him."

"Don't think." Hawkeye's hand stroked my cheek gently. "Actually, I wouldn't mind reliving that night."

"Hawkeye! I wouldn't want to return to Korea."

"No. But seeing that fresh face, so innocent and naïve, is enough. I'd like to do it all over again."

"If only you met me earlier, than we'd have more time with each other."

"If I could steal you away from that German soldier, I'd definitely make it worth your while."

The mention of Falk took my breath away. Hawkeye never talked about my previous life in West Germany and listened to my tales, always drinking. The acceptance in his voice was casual, like it meant nothing to him. Falk was a man he'd compete with, in order to rescue me. He was not the man he'd be angry with and he was not jealous.

I kissed the hand that caressed me. "You always will."

Our eyes met gently. In them, there was so much we wanted to tell each other. In so many ways, our silent ways relayed the stories. Christmas was coming and we were worried about giving the children something meaningful. Father Mulcahy and his sister were coming. BJ and his family promised to fly in too. It will be a full house.

Then, there was the past couple of years. Between us, there was so much hurt we never resolved. As we held each other's hands, we told each other through these silent gestures how we wished we could change things. I would not have been so meek. Hawkeye would not have been so angry. Communication was our key and our children would not be so wounded by our actions.

We promised to do better in the future. We could not afford to fumble. With Korea still so closely behind us, we still had ways to go. Our peacetime marriage was working through the cracks of war.

Hawkeye broke the spell. "You should wake everyone up and get to work," he said. "Do you need a ride into town?"

"I'll be fine walking," I reassured him. "I have done it many times before."

Hawkeye did not like that. He told me snow was coming and to be careful. I promised him so much, sealed with a kiss. Then, the day began for the rest of the household. Dad was up and sipping on coffee as the children came trampling down the stairs. Shannon was sulky, prepared for school. Annabeth and the twins were excited to be home with Dad and Mrs. Pettigrew.

I took a deep breath. Today was going to be a good day. I knew it.

A few notes, as always. Following lyrics are from the Everly Brothers song "Bye-Bye Love". Also, many apologies for the late chapter. I've been busy with other things on this board, which I hope you all enjoy. :)