Hidden Scars
Lapis' P.O.V.
Since Peridot and I have nothing to do, so like usual, we do nothing. We make popcorn and watch a movie. Well, it's not movie. It's a musical that someone recorded and uploaded on YouTube.
It's not the best quality, but it definitely beats having to pay thousands for the real thing when I can now enjoy it from the comfort of my home with my homemade popcorn and the chocolate cheesecake from the supermarket. Except there is no chocolate cheesecake.
Jane jumps into the couch with us. She gets along better with Peridot now than she did before, but it's still a working progress. She keeps her distance from him, and I guess sometimes she gets jealous when we kiss or do stuff. Really, if I let her, she would rip Peridot apart.
Doesn't sound like such a bad idea, does it?
But I can't let her do that. Who else will let me copy their homework? If I ask anybody else, it will be so awkward. Besides, I don't even have to ask Peridot. I mean, what's his is mine, and what's mine is mine, right? One thing is for sure, he is a lot better to copy off than a computer.
I find the first few minutes of the musical boring as fuck. Like, sure everyone is happy. You're at a ball with beautiful dresses and priceless jewels and all that stuff. There is no need to make me feel worse about myself.
Only after the St. Petersburg song do I start liking this historically incorrect musical.
"This was based off a movie, right?" I ask him.
He nods, "And a rumor in St. Petersburg."
I stare at him.
"What?" he asks me.
"So people are making millions over a rumor that happened about a hundred years ago?" I ask.
"Yeah, " he answers.
"So I can make an incorrect musical of the Ark of the Covenant and people will buy it?" I ask him.
"The Ark of Covenant? Lazuli, I didn't know you were religious, " Prince Charming says as he lightly pushes me to the side.
"I'm not. I just had a lot of free time these last seven years, " I answer, "Have you read the Bible, Prince Charming?"
"Of course I have!" he says.
"Why?" I ask him.
"It seemed like an interesting book, " he answers.
"You want to know why you found it interesting?" I ask him.
"Why?"
"Because you're still a nerd, " I say.
"You kn-" I cut him short.
"Shut up! I'm trying to watch something, " I tell him.
"This was my idea, " he says.
So Prince Charming wants to play that game.
I stare at him and smile. The music goes on in the background.
"Well this couch is mine, " I say.
"So is this house, and this TV, and that demon, " he looks to Jane.
Jane lays on top of my feet. Though she looks at Peridot and me, her head stays still. Her tails gently flaps as I look at her.
"And that popcorn, " I tell him while I take the bowl of popcorn from his lap.
"What am I supposed to eat?" he asks.
He puts his left arm around me and his other hand under my chin. He kisses me as Jane lightly growls. When we separate and I look at Jane, her head is down but her eyes are on us. She wags her tail.
When I reach out my hand to touch her, she lifts her head and then stands up. She spins sound around three times before settling right next to me with her head on my lap.
We keep watching the musical in silence while I give Jane some popcorn.
Musicals are pieces of art that I find to be beautifully complicated. Given the chance to be in a real broadway musical, I don't know if I would accept or not. They seem a little too complicated to be doing this for days on end.
I get sick very easily. I don't think I remember the last winter when I didn't get sick. To be in a musical, you probably have to take good damn well care of yourself. You also have to do these weird and boring vocal exercises. They are boring as fuck. When I sing, I just sing. I don't want anyone to tell me that I'm too low or too high or whatever. But that's exactly what happens. I simply think people over complicate things. Why can't we just fucking sing?
Anya's song about her dreams almost leaves me in tears. It's really catchy. It's also shit.
I get this is fiction, but it's also a fucking lie! Anastasia died in 1918 along with her family and her poor dog and some other people who decided to stay with the Romanovs. They were all killed and the only reason people think Anastasia may have escaped is because her remains were never found until the late 1990s. The revolutionists didn't want anyone to find the remains so they hid them and never told anyone where. I think they burned the corpses too though I don't remember clearly.
But really, I could dye my hair and boom. I'm Princess Anastasia Romanov. It's not rocket science.
While everyone on TV, which is like three people, is singing about learning how to be dead princesses, I rub Jane's ears.
"Do you think I could be royalty?" Prince Charming turns to me.
"Royalty?"
"Well if girls think they can be Anastasia, why can't I be royalty?" I ask him.
"What about me?" he asks me with that sly smile.
"Prince Charming, you're parents are Europeans. Of course you have some fucking royal blood!" I tell him. Jane raises her head from my lap and looks at me.
"Not you baby, " I tell her.
"Well I don't know if you're royalty Lazuli, but you're the queen of my heart, " he tells me. I roll my eyes even though I love it.
"Fuck you, " I say.
"Well fuck me, " he says and I blush.
Stuff happens and eventually, some assholes try to fuck the shit out of Dimitri and fuck Anastasia or Anya, or whatever her name is. I love it when she beats the shit out of them by herself instead.
Dimitri tells her about how he's an orphan because his mother left and his dad died and whatever. It's really sad actually. He sings about how he stands his ground and about his lovely St. Petersburg. It's a nice song. I like it.
There is this one officer guy who's name I don't know that just seems to know that Anya is actually Anastasia. Like of course, because she is the only other girl alive with brown hair and blue eyes that just happens to be in Russia. I know he's the bad guy and everything, but I don't really hate him. Can you blame the guy for wanting to kill the girl? It's what his father did and I bet he's seen all the catchy and colorful propaganda communist Russia had at the time. Besides, I don't think he'll actually kill her. This is a kid's show. Right?
We run out of popcorn after the December song. I think it's supposed to be a lullaby. The choreography was complicated as shit. I don't know how these people can do such stuff while wearing heavy dresses and jewels. I find being Elizabeth Schuyler Hamilton is complicated even though I don't do as much.
One thing that I find completely ridiculous as shit about this song, is that Dimitri couldn't turn on the fucking music box. Did he need a key that Anya had? I didn't see any fucking key. I absolutely hate that! If I have something that is broken, and my friend comes and is like 'Oh, hey look. There is this key inside a key hole that you didn't notice even though you've had this thing longer than I have.'
No. Just no. Why?
So what do we do? We just make more popcorn. I don't have the time or mind to get mad and rant about stuff I can't do anything about. But I will always remember this. I shall never forget.
"You finished all of the popcorn, yet you're still so skinny, " Peridot tells me. I scoff.
"Fuck you! I have gained like three pounds, so you know. I think. Something like that. I don't really keep track, " I say. I don't keep track of many things. My period, for example. It just hits when it does and I pray that I have pads on me.
I usually get my period in the morning or at night. If I get it at school, I have pads in my backpack. I've never tried a tampon, but I won't start any time soon.
"You're still skinny, mon amour, " he says.
We listen to the seeds pop inside the pan.
"And you're still a nerd, " I tell him.
The popcorn is ready in less than five minutes. We put it in the huge-ass bowl and go back to the couch. Jane follows me, raising her head, sniffing the popcorn.
When we sit again, Peridot puts his hand around me and pulls me close. Though I do still mind the touching and the kissing a little, it's a little more tolerable. I snuggle up against him. He is very comfortable. And he doesn't say anything if he is uncomfortable, so, that's a plus.
Though this musical is based of a lie, it's a pretty good musical. I did not know people could make music so good and not run out of ideas. Apart from Hamilton.
The only reason I am into musicals a little bit is because Prince Charming dragged me into the school musical. It's interesting and everything, but I can't help but wonder how he got interested in them.
"How did you get interested in these musicals?" I ask him.
"Well, believe it or not, Amethyst dragged me into the eighth grade musical. She didn't want to die alone and Luke thought it would be fun, " he says.
"She dragged you into the musical? That's new, " I sarcastically say.
"It was fun, Lazuli, " he says.
"Didn't you want to be a lawyer or something?" I ask him. He rubs my arm.
"I never specified. I just said I wanted a law career, " he says.
"Isn't that a bit dangerous?" I ask him.
"What? Law?" he asks. I nod. He thinks for a minute.
"It all depends. What? Are you scared for me?" he asks. I scoff.
"Of course not, " I say.
"So you wouldn't care if anything bad happened to me?" he asks me.
"I would, you are my boyfriend. But it would be your fault, " I tell him. He places a kiss on my forehead while smirking.
"How is it my fault?" he asks.
"I'm not the one going around researching about serial killers, " I say.
"It was an innocent interest, " he justifies.
"It's a weird interest, " I respond.
"But you still love me, " he whispers. He squeezes me with his arm which Jane responds to with a light and brief growl.
"Have you ever been to a real musical?" I ask him. He looks at with that confused look.
"You mean in Broadway?" he asks. I nod, "No. But Luke and Scarlett and Steven want to go to see Hamilton once school is out. They're trying to get the rest of us to come along."
"And I knew nothing?" 1 respond.
"They just got the idea recently, " Peridot says
"But isn't Broadway, like, expensive? Especially Hamilton." I ask him.
"I'm willing to pay your seat, " he offers. I do the obvious thing to a free seat to see Hamilton, I decline.
"No. That shit is like hundreds of dollars. Isn't the musical on YouTube or something?" I say.
"It is, but it's not the best quality. Besides, come on, Lazuli. It's a one-time thing, " Prince Charming pleads, "You're my girlfriend, and there is nothing wrong with me paying for your seat."
"I already said no. It's absolutely unnecessary and my parents would never give me permission and it would also be a giveaway to our friends that we're dating, " I say listing every reason why we should not go.
Going to see a musical isn't the most necessary thing on the planet. Sure, it may be a fun experience, but its a lot of money. I'm not going to leave my boyfriend broke for something that is one time and has no uses. I don't know where Peridot may get all his money from, but it sure is not from his stepdad. I don't want him to waste all of that on me, especially after what I did to his last gift. A broken necklace.
I push those thoughts away and try to concentrate on right now. That was a while ago, a right now is a nice moment between us, including Jane. My negative thoughts shouldn't spoil such a nice moment. But I still refuse to let him pay hundreds for a seat at a live musical.
"I know I made a promise, but I see nothing wrong with our friends knowing that we're dating, " he says.
"I just don't want them to know, " I say.
"Blue and Luke know. Sapphire probably knows, " he adds, "Lazuli, who do you not want to know?"
His smirk and raised eyebrow make me nervous.
"No one in specific, " I respond.
"Tell me, " he whispers into my ear.
"Do you mind? I'm watching something, " I say.
"You started it, " he says.
But he doesn't push it which is something very unnatural for him. When Peridot and I start paying attention again, we are nearly half way through the musical. Anya, Dimitri, and that other guy who's name I seem to keep forgetting, are on a train on their way to Paris to meet grandma to convince her Anya is a dead girl walking.
It also turns out that Anya could have been rich. If that even existed in communist Russia or the Soviet Union. The girl had a fucking diamond. A diamond. She could have made her way to Paris all on her own by just buying her way out. Literally, if people just found simpler solutions and had even a little bit of common sense, half of musicals, TV shows, movies, and all entertainment stuff would be gone. Like this musical because people would realize that even though it's catchy and sentimental and everything, it's a load of bullshit.
Bullshit. Huh, that's a funny word. Why a bull specifically? Why not a cow? Or a chicken? Or a plant?
Creativity. It has no ends. Unlike math. It's so flat and boring it's disgusting.
After they get to Paris and the first act is over, we stop it while I go to the bathroom. Once I'm back, we continue to watch.
They have some huge parade about Paris and dreams and all that stuff. I don't really like it that much though it is upbeat. I like the song that the Lady-In-Waiting Lily and the ensemble sing. Land of Yesterday. It's so catchy and upbeat but not in a cheesy way. There's just something about it that makes it so unique and my favorite song in the fucking show.
Guess what? Turns out Grandma is dead along with the granddaughter she for so long believed to be alive even though she was clearly actually dead. Well, guess what? Turns out people don't listen to their brains and don't have common sense because Grandma ends up believing Anya is Anastasia because of the fucking 'broken' music box fucking Dimitri gave her.
I'd say that she could have gotten that music box anywhere. I'd say that there are many girls with Russian accents that have brown hair and blue eyes and know family lullabies. A servant or cook, for example? Anyone ever though of that?
The show is entertaining and I like it as much as I hate is. The officer guy eventually catches on and tries to kill Anya/Anastasia, whatever. But because of his conscience, he doesn't. Really? Was that the best the producer could come up with. He has a change of heart? Totally. Because people in real life totally don't hurt you just because they have a change of heart.
The four guys that raped me didn't have a change of heart. They did what they did and left me for dead. They cried in court, not because they bad a change of heart but because they had been caught. I didn't speak, I was mute, but they will never forget my words. Wherever they go, their past and my words will always haunt them. It's still not good enough of a punishment, but it's the only thing the stupid system will give me.
I shift in my seat and get comfortable even though the show is nearly over. I give Jane more popcorn because there is still a ton of popcorn and I'm not going to finish everything by myself and I'm sure Peridot isn't going to. Might as well let Jane give me a helping hand, or paw, or mouth attached to a digestive system.
In the end, after they get the press, after everyone almost dies, after the entire fucking charade, Anya/Anastasia runs off with Dimitri. They could have really just done that from the beginning. The great and wise Dowager Empress Maria tells the press that Anastasia is dead even though she could have just said that and spared us the pain and conspiracies.
Even though Russian history has never been a major interest for me, I know a few things. I've studied and read about the killings of the House Romanov and the Russian revolution after world war I. The family was placed under hour arrest after generations of the rule of House Romanov. Everyone died. It is said that Anastasia died last, but she did die. Some people say that the children sewed diamonds onto their clothes which kept them alive longer that the adults, but they all died. It would explain the diamond Anya had which she said the nurse had found sewn in her underclothes, yet still. How would she get away when there are trained soldiers whose sole purpose and intentions are to kill every Romanov. I know Anastasia was very rough in real life, but I don't think her tricks would be enough to outsmart trained soldiers.
Seriously, all you have to do is think about it. Think about it and you actually see how silly and fictional it is. Like most space movies. There can be no fire in space because there is no fucking oxygen. And even if there were the slightest possibilities there can be fires, they should go out instantly. In most horror or thriller movies, the blood looks absolutely fake and some things are just an impossibility in reality.
Anya/Anastasia puts on this long and poofy red sleeveless dress and a tiara which only makes me add on to my list of incorrect things.
"She can't wear that dress if she's royalty, " I say. Especially not in the early twentieth century.
"Why not?" he asks.
"I'm not sure about early twentieth-century French and Russian etiquette, but the modern British royal etiquette says that you have to dress in neutral colors, and you have to cover your shoulders. And women can't wear tiaras unless they're married. And tiaras and diamonds are only worn after five or six in the afternoon," I state.
"Why do you know so much about the British Royal etiquette?" Prince Charming asks me.
"British history is interesting. And royal etiquette just happens to be a part of it, " I say.
"Wouldn't another possibility be that you wanted to be royalty at some point?" his hand slides down to my waist as he whispers, his lips next to my ear.
"Of course not, " I scoff. He places a kiss on my cheek and I must refrain from smiling.
The remaining of the musical is watched in silence. I breathe a sigh of relief when it's all finally over. It's a beautiful piece of art that represents a significant amount of Russian history in more ways than one. Yet in the end, it's all just fake. And that's what matters. I'm right, and all if this is completely wrong.
"It's over!" I breathe in a sigh of relief.
"It wasn't that bad, " Peridot tries to justify.
"It's based on a fucking rumor! A rumor which was debunked in the 90s when they announced the discoveries of the Romanov's burial site!" I tell him.
"Relax. There's nothing wrong with a small local myth, " he says.
"Except its not local. It was in Russia. And it wasn't small, it was over a hundred years ago when in present-day people watch musicals and movies and study Anna Anderson's, or whatever her name was, life, " I say crossing my arms.
"You're ranting, "
"No I'm not. I'm simply expressing my opinion and backing it up with proven facts and debunked possibilities, " I say.
"You're witty, " he responds.
"I learned that from you, " I say.
"Okay. What about Hamilton? What about Six? Or any other historical musical?" he asks.
"What is Six?" I ask him. He stares at me as if I were kidding. Obviously, I'm not.
"It's a musical about King Henry VIII's six wives, "
"And six was the best they could come up with?" I say. Who comes up with these names? I need to have a real talk with them.
"I'm sure they looked at every possibility, " he says.
There is a moment of silence before Prince Charming decides to speak.
"You wanna watch it again?" he asks.
"No, " I say immediately. Then he makes that sly smile as his hand around my fixes it's grip.
"Do you want to do other things instead?" he whispers in that sly tone. My face reddens.
"I'm not your toy, " I say though I don't mean anything bad with it. I feel his muscles tense beneath me, but he relaxes soon enough.
"I was about to say the same thing, " he responds.
"Why?" I ask him.
"Because there are times when you let me do things, and other times you don't, " he replies.
"Things?" I say crossing my arms, "You're lucky I don't kill you for that."
Regardless of my comment, he pulls me close and kisses me. I let him. His kisses are better than his complaints. I smile and I know I must look like an idiot. I rest my head on his neck as he caresses my stomach.
"Lazuli?" he says. Whenever he asks for my attention by saying my name, well last name, I know things are about to get deep. Some deep shit is about to go down.
"Yeah?" I give him permission to proceed.
"Re-"
"Wait! Does it have anything to do with anything that is going on right now?" I ask him. Puzzled he shakes his head.
"I thought so. Proceed, " I say.
"Okay. Remember when I asked you if you would marry me?" he asks. If it were possible, my heart skips a beat. But that isn't possible without me dying, so, let's just say that I get excited as well as nervous. I nod.
"Have you ever thought about having children?" he asks me.
Children? That is what this is about?
I never thought I would have a boyfriend, much less did I think possible the thought of me having children.
There are too many dangers, far too many risks for someone with my condition to have children. I read it in the brochures they gave out in the hospital and online. Too many risks. Risks I am not willing to take. I'm not willing to do something that will hurt an unborn child or my boyfriend no matter how much I may want it.
It may as well be a sin. Me? Have children without any catches? Lead a normal life without any setbacks? It's not true. I can't. I simply can't.
And what about trying to have a child. That would involve that touchy subject of having sex. My first, second, third, and fourth times weren't exactly good experiences. I don't know if I could. I tolerate Peridot kissing me, touching me, but doing that to me? I don't know if I could. I wouldn't be willing to if there were any chance I could hurt him in the process.
What am I doing? What have I done? He's going to want to sooner or later, and I'm not going to be able to. He'll get bored of me. I can't let that happen.
I use to not want to have children, I just liked being around them. But over the last few years, I've realized that it would be and feel nice to be a mother. I've fantasized about holding a baby, my baby, in my arms, about giving them a name, feeding them, dressing them, watching their first steps and words. But that's all it had been, fantasies.
There isn't a single doctor alive that will tell you there isn't a single risk of transmitting my HIV onto a baby if I were pregnant. There's always a chance, a possibility, a risk.
Being with Peridot is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. And I know he would be a great father. He would remember how his father left, and he would strive to be better. But can I do better? All I know is that I have a tattered dream and that I don't want to lose Peridot.
"I-uh. It's complicated, " I finally say.
"Don't you want to?" he asks.
"I'm not sure, " It's not an entire lie, more like a half-truth. How do I tell him that I can't?
"Don't you think we're a little young to be thinking about this?" I ask him. His parents may have had him at our age, but that doesn't mean we will follow in the same footsteps.
"One is never too young to dream, Lazuli, " he responds. I wish I had his confidence.
"My mom would kill me, " I say. I don't know what else to say.
"To dream?" he asks.
"With you, " I turn to look at him.
"That can be resolved, " he says. He has that smirk that says he has a trick up his sleeve. He always has that smirk. It's literally just his normal face.
"How?"
"Legally, people can get married without permission of any kind if they're 18 or older, "
He's actually thought this through?
"You forget, I'm not 18 yet," I remind him.
"But you will be, in a few months, " he says. He puts his hand under my chin and kisses me. I give in.
I put one arm around his neck as he puts his arm around my waist. He then turns me so I sit on his lap and one of his arms is on my back while the other is on my waist. I have my left hand around his neck while I hold his cheek with my other one.
We separate and I rest my head on his chest. I couldn't be more comfortable.
It's a beautiful feeling when he wraps me in his arms and just holds me. A sensation of safety and serenity washes over me and it makes me not want to move.
"Then, the decision is up to you, " he whispers.
"What?"
"In a few months you turn eighteen. I'm older than eighteen. By law, anyone eighteen or older can get married without parental or judicial consent, " no wonder he's going to be a lawyer or whatever, "Therefore we would be able to get married without anyone knowing."
"Like, eloping?" I ask. He nods.
I love the idea. Run away together, get married, and no one ever has to know. We could run away to Australia, or Greece, or France, though I'm not sure if he's actually been to Greece or France.
"Except we wouldn't run away. We'd only get married without parental consent, " he adds. I stare at nothingness as my heart deflates. I don't say anything.
"So then, if your mom found out, all we have to do-"
"Is tell her we're married, " I finish. I smile. He's a fucking genius. Of course I would have preferred if we didn't have to get married at such a young age.
What am I thinking? Getting married at eighteen? I'm too young, Peridot is too young. I may hate the shit out of school, but I want both of us to study. I don't want to just be a housewife for the rest of my life. I want to do something with myself.
"But we're too young to do things like that, " I tell him. He sighs. He wants to. I want to too, but not right now. It would be better when both of us are in college or graduated and we both have jobs. Things would be easier.
"Lapis, " It's the first time he's called me by my first name. It feels weird and terribly wrong. I don't want him to call me by my first name, "We won't do anything newlyweds do. We would just get married. No sex, no kids, nothing. We'd just be getting married to make sure we'll be together."
No sex, no kids, nothing. In every movie I watch it book I read, all newlyweds have sex. Most long for kids. I want to, I really do want to get over all of this and be able to just give in and he his. Not just because we say so, or because we've signed on a paper, but because we've been together. When I read the Bible, that's what it said. Man would leave his parents to be one with his wife. I'm not religious it anything, but it's true. It doesn't just apply to Christians or Catholics or whatever. It's true that sexual relations unite people. Between couple anyway, people who have casual sex aren't really together. But I want Peridot and I to be able to do it. I want to be his. Regardless of how much I remain alert in where his hands are, I want to. I just don't know if I actually could.
To me, sex is more complicated than I let on. It's traumatizing to imagine myself giving way to it. But it only makes me want it a lot more. I don't lust, I'm not a person who fantasizes about such erotic things, but there is a small part of me that longs for it. That longs to feel normal, to feel like a real woman.
I know Peridot doesn't care about having sex and all that stuff, but he's a guy. There will come a time when he is going to want it, and I don't know what I'll do.
"Do you ever want to?" I ask before I think it through. I immediately regret it.
"What? Have sex?" by his facial expression, he almost looks offended. Why would he be offended? It's a normal thing to long for it as long as it doesn't pass the limits.
"Peridot-"
He doesn't let me finish. He doesn't look offended, he is offended.
"I can control myself, " his tone makes me feel small. He's never talked to me like that.
"I know you have a bad image about a lot of people, but I thought you trusted me, " he's angry.
I do.
"Just because four guys raped you doesn't mean I'm going to do the same, " his grip tightens on me and I panic.
I get up and step away.
He stares at me for a moment. A tear falls from my eye but I hold myself as I've done many other times. It's hard to get the words out of my throat, but I manage to get them out.
"I know that very well. But you didn't have to go there, "
"Leave, " I tell him before I go up the stairs and straight to my room. I let Jane in.
I simply stand there and cry in silence.
Why did he have to do there? Why?
What happened to me had nothing to do with my question. It simply slipped me but I never meant it to offend him. I just don't understand what made him get so angry.
I jolt when the doorknob makes noises. I fall in the floor as my breaths become shorter. Jane barks.
"Get out!" I yell.
"I didn't mean it, " he says. He stops though I'm not sure if he still stands in front or has already left.
I know exactly what he meant. Not once have I ever insinuated that he would ever hurt me in any way or do what those fucking guys did seven years ago. Never. We had a rough start, and I know I'm not easy to handle, I know I doubt a lot of people, but not him. I would never doubt him. I thought telling him about my raping and about my HIV had made it clear that I trusted him. Apparently, it had not.
"Lazuli, I'm sorry. I'm just upset about stuff that's been going on with my mom. I know it doesn't justify it, but please, just talk to me, "
I thought he trusted me. I thought he trusted me enough to talk to me about his problems from home, about his issues. I want to help him, I love him. But I can't.
I walk to the door, "Get out, Peridot!"
"La-"
"I said get the fuck out!"
"Lazuli, " he pleads. He doesn't try to break the door, he doesn't try anything. He just wants me to listen.
"Leave, " I say one last time. There is a moment where I stand in uncomfortable silence in front of the door. I hear his sluggish footsteps, as he leaves. In truth, I do want to talk to him, I don't want to lose him, but there are limits. Everything has limits. Just minutes ago we were talking about getting married. It's sickening what a few minutes can do.
The Next Day
Lapis' P.O.V.
I don't go to school the next day, though I know Jamie will give me an entire sermon on missing rehearsals.
I get phone calls every hour that go directly to voicemail and texts that are left unread. Most are from Peridot. A few are from others such as Blue, Luke, Steven, and others who are worried about me. I don't have it in me to respond or even check any of them. Instead, I stay in bed, listening to depressing music with Jane. She's my real friend.
I cry. I listen to a variety of songs. I even look up on YouTube songs from musicals to cry. I listen to songs from musicals and regular old music. I read depressing quotes and download them from Pinterest. I don't eat, I don't get up at all form my bed, not even to take my pill. I didn't take it last night either.
Doctors tell me it's dangerous to even skip my dosage once, but I don't give two shits. My pills and my HIV can go fuck themselves if they want.
I grab my laptop and we watch sad movies. Some are about romance which is jist my fucking luck. Others are other type of relations, such as parental and then these are the other movies that honestly end on a happy note, but the dogs die so I still cry.
We finish watching movie about this dog from China that gets stranded in a train station. Some guy finds the poor dog and decided to take it in while they find an owner. Eventually, everyone loves him and they keep him. Spoiler alert the guy dies and no one thinks it's a fucking good idea to take the dog to the fucking grave so he knows the guy is fucking dead!
Of course, that's my opinion. Anyway, the dog thinks the guy will come back. Obviously, the dog is fucking adorable and doesn't understand the guy is dead and the mom leaves for Europe or some shit. The poor dog keeps coming back to the train station to wait for the guy and it's so sad because he gets so old. He makes the news and people send him money and stuff. But in the end, he dies. It's so sad because when he dies he is reunited with the guy and the dog is so happy. I cry, I just have to.
Jane sniffs me and licks my tears away while I cry. It's kind of disgusting so I tell her not to. She continues to snuggle up against me and I caress her.
"It's just you and me, Jane, " I tell her. She looks up at me with he tongue hanging out as she pants.
"Just like the good old day, " I say.
She continues to do what always does and snuggled up against me. Jane makes her way under the covers. Then she just stands still before she comes to her senses and tries to find her way out.
My phone rings for like the millionth time this day and all I do is stare at Peridot's name on my phone's screen. I think this may have been the longest time I've been without him since we met or reunited or whatever.
I drown myself in tears and my depressing thoughts. But it's nothing more than that, cursing at everything and everyone, and not eating. And not taking my pills. I'm too lazy and upset to do much else than nothing at all. I'm surprised suicidal insist hasn't kicked in yet. I thought for sure I'd be dead my now. But hey, what do you know? I'm still alive.
Ten minutes later, my home rings again but I don't bother to look. Jane, who has finally made her way from under the covers, goes over to my phone. Before I can tell her to not touch my phone, she accepts the phone call.
"Jane, no!" It's too late to do anything. I look at phone to find it's Luke calling this time. I try to come up with something on the spot.
"Ugh, sorry. Wrong number, " I say with an accent that I don't know where it comes from.
"La-Lapis, " he says.
"Sorry but I got like ten second left, "
My excuses are becoming more and more lame and unbelievable.
"My brother isssn't here, " he says. It doesn't make me feel any better.
"I have something to do, " I say.
"No you-you don't, " he responds.
"Oh, look. It looks like I'm losing the signal, " I make some lame noises.
"Lapisss, wsit, " I don't wait. I make some name sounds and hang up. I look at Jane who wags her tail at me.
"No. Next time it rings, no, " I tell her. I then throw my phone off the bed. I close my eyes shut when I hear it hit the floor.
"Shit. I actually need that, " I tell myself.
I'm too lazy to get up and get my phone. So instead, I just leave it there and continue to watch depressing movies.
I don't know how much time I spend just laying there without eating. Jane leaves the room, probably to go eat her dog food or something. At least she gets to eat.
I pull my blanket over myself and just lay there while I listen to the movie that goes on in the background. Jane growls but I don't bother to know why. She doesn't stop.
"Jane, stop, " I tell her. She doesn't.
I uncover the blankets and look at Jane, "I'm not in the mood."
But she barely spares me a glance. Instead, she looks straight at where the balcony door should be. Everything in me grows cold.
I close my eyes and let my head hang before I turn to face Prince Charming.
I don't think he's sure of what to do. I pull the covers over my chest. I'm not sure of what to do or say myself. He seems embarrassed, but I'm not sure what he's thinking.
I may have not been paying attention at the time, but I know he is definitely skipping rehearsals. Both of us are going to be receiving a lecture from Jamie tomorrow for not going to rehearsals.
I love him, but I'm really not in the mood to be around anyone. Except for Jane. She is the only exception. I don't want anyone near me, especially Peridot.
Why can't anyone understand that I just want to be by my fucking self? No one respects privacy anymore. If I want to be alone for a fucking minute, everyone suddenly thinks that I'm a depressed bitch who wants to die. And they're not wrong. But that doesn't mean I don't need space to cry and figure what the shit my life means.
"I'm sorry, " is the first thing he says. He fidgets with his fingers.
I can't look at him directly. I look at him in the eye for three seconds before looking away and then looking at him again.
"I wasn't thinking and I was upset, " he says.
I thought he trusted me enough to tell me when he was upset. Peridot doesn't seem like someone who easily gets angry or upset, but as he said, we all have our breaking points. Prince Charming seems to be entering the unsafe territory of the fears he keeps hidden in the darkest pits of his mind.
"You could have told me you were upset, " I say. His lips are slightly parted as he looks down. The hair on my arms stands up as goosebumps form.
"I didn't want to worry you, " is his justification, "And I didn't mean to yell at you."
Ignoring the fact that he practically insulted me yesterday I gesture for him to sit next to me. He looks at Jane, then at me before sitting next to me.
I'm no expert, I have trouble dealing with my own shit. But he's my boyfriend and I love him and one day(hopefully) I want to marry him. Dealing with his issues is a things I'll have to learn to live with. I want to help him.
I hug him. It's a little uncomfortable because I have no bra on, but I try to ignore it. He buries his head into my neck once he takes his glasses off and cries. His tears flow down my neck and a few to the inside of my shirt. That's really hard to ignore.
I put my hand on his head and try to soothe him. I don't tell him everything's going to be okay. Because it's most probably not going to be. It's hard for him to adjust, even after years, and he's probably never going to be a hundred percent happy with the idea of his mom being with some other guy or the fact that his dad abandoned him just when he was becoming a teenager, or that his mom is pregnant with his half-sister. I don't think I would be okay either.
He calms down after a few minutes. Regardless, he doesn't move. He let's me hold him.
"Next time, just tell me, " I whisper. He simply nods.
He is always the one holding me, helping me through my breakdowns. It's a little weird that now I'm the one helping him. I don't think either of us are qualified to be each other's therapists.
"I'm really sorry, " he repeats, "I don't want to lose you."
I don't want to lose you either. But I don't say anything. I simply hold him as he has so many times done with me. Like after the carnival, the very next day, during the storms, and many other times I would just break down. I'm harder to handle than he is. But only because he doesn't let me know he's in pain. He doesn't let me see how deep his scars actually are. I appreciate how he doesn't want me to worry, but as his girlfriend, it's my job to worry and to be there. It's my job to try to heal the wounds and treat the scars. All I want is for him to let me know how badly it hurts. I want him to cry to me and tell me that his world isn't as cheerful and perfect as he paints it to be. I just want him to let me help him. That's all I want. Right now, my only priority is to help him and love him.
"It's fine, " I assure him. I hold him close and tightly, but he doesn't seem to mind. On the contrary, he huddles closer to me. I watch Jane yawn as my fingers fiddle around with Peridot's blond princess hair.
"I brought peace offerings, " he says.
"Peace offerings?" I ask.
"In case my crying didn't work, " he separates and rubs his swollen red eyes.
"I guess you're not in such a bad mood anymore, " I tease. He smile as another tear finishes rolling down his cheek.
Prince Charming still looks like an embarrassed kid, but I don't push it.
"My peace offerings?" I ask. He smiles as he struggles to put his glasses back on.
That lecture we're getting tomorrow from Jamie tomorrow may be worth the while.
Hello!
I know I've updated late, and you're all like 'we're in isolation. You got no excuse.'
Sorry to break it to you, but I do. Teachers just think that since we don't go to school we are now computer slaves, meant to do homework all day.
But the point it, I will try to update more often though I really can't promise anything.
Have a great day/night, you all know the drill.