"Thank you for calling . We will be right over." Hotch meets my eyes and nods as he presses speaker dial to the rest of the team.
"Madlien is safe, she's with a friend who just called me to let me know he picked her up from the park last night after she called him. JJ and I are on our way their now." Clipped to the point
"Thank God" Morgan, Garcia and Rossi all seemed to exhale at the same time.
"Who is this friend?" We had checked with the Strauses and Stacie's family.
"Her teacher, another victim she was temporarily captured with." Hotch's fists clench the steering wheel as he turns the car presumably heading in the direction of this .
"You know where he lives?" Why hadn't we previously called this guy.
"It was in his file." There is a brief moment of silence before he continues "Maddie had an episode at Hayley's, when I got there she was mumbling a name in a flashback. I looked into it...they had other children. I read the statements. Chester Matten was Seven years older than her, and he didn't even think to protect her, she tried to protect him, he called her stupid, and foolish for her efforts." Hotch actually seems angry with the kid.
"Do you think it's possible that the the kid felt guilty for all that happened, and at the time he was giving the statement misplaced those feelings in anger?"It's surreal to be the voice of reason for him. Emliy had been much better at it than me.
. "If it hadn't been Maddie." His normally unbreakable demeanor is breakable when it comes to her. Father of a teenage girl out of nowhere for almost 6 months now, at that a teen that is trying to navigate a world of which she has every reason to be petrified.
Maddie POV.
Chester got up to open the door. I stayed seated at the table straining my ears to hear.
"Agent Hotchner, sir, come in." Maybe I should have followed him to the door.
" , Thank you for calling us this morning." JJ, what is JJ doing here.
Why isn't Agent Hotchner talking?
Whatever he says or does...I earned this. Don't cry, steady breaths. This was so stupid.
Agent Hotchner, Agent Jaroue and Chester come into view. But, no one is saying anything.
My gaze drops to the table, but that isn't fair so I force myself to look at the agents again. Why isn't he talking...
"Hi." I didn't give my voice permission to speak what is it doing. My breathing is too loud, steady it.
"Do you have any idea what you did, how dangerous it was?" Agent Hotchners voice is measured.
" I think I know how dangerous being abducted can be." I didn't mean to say that, just shut up and let him talk. I earned this. Deep breaths.
" That's not the point, you put yourself in danger, We had a search party out last night. All night long looking for you." His tone stay is steady, but I don't want to see that unidentifiable look in eyes, why can't I look anywhere other than the table?
"I'm sorry." Don't cry.
"We are leaving, let's go Maddie." He starts to reach toward me but pulls back letting me follow behind him, but in front of Agent Jaroue. Why did he pull back? Oh God, What did I do?
The thud of the car door slamming is in sharp contrast to the beep of a car lock disengaging, even the clicking of the seat belts is unusually loud. Both of their movements are agitated, chopping the tense silence, like any second an outburst...
No, no this isn't then, Agent Hotchers allowed to be angry. I earned what ever happens.
"Hotch" JJ sounds gentle like she always done, maybe concerned. When did I clench my eyes shut?
I open my eyes, I can feel the car slowing as Agent Hotchner pulls to the side of the road and lets out a sigh."do you remember what we talked about that first day?"his voice is equally gentle. The silence doesn't permeate the air with tension when I hesitate to reply.
" I deserve those kinds of consequences" It is all I can do to whisper those words. Don't cry. I earned this. So stupid.
"You never deserved or will deserve those kinds of consequences Maddie. I need to know what's going through your head right now." He's angry again, maybe he deserves to be, is this a test?
"Sometimes, I did earn it then, and right now I shouldn't cry, or flinch or ask you not to be mad because you deserve to be angry with me, I'm stupid, and I should have been better, and I shouldn't have run away, and whatever happens. I earned it." It's true. As awful as is, it's true.
He let's put a puff of air. "We aren't interested in punishing you Maddie."
"Okay...wait what?" What did he mean I wasn't being punished, I ran away, kept him out searching all night, worried everyone with out cause, probably wasted police resources knowing the BAU.
"You'll be working with a therapist again, and this time you won't get out of it until they advise it." His tone is hard, I really messed up this time.
My gut feels like it did when my arms were tied above my head, and Jack was sobbing in a corner, stretched tight even though my legs aren't dangling in the air. I can't work with again, but I have to , I earned whatever consequence this is."Okay." I'm not supposed to cry, he's not even going to hurt me.
JJ spoke up. " It won't be , it wasn't a great idea to pair you with her. We'll find you a better match someone who helps you." She's kinder more understanding than I should expect not after how unbelievably stupid I was last night.
"I live with profilers isn't that enough?" I don't want to relive any of it, not to a stranger. How did talking to someone seem so much worse then I thought. I should just shut up and accept this. Steady breaths, I'm breathing too fast, my heart is too loud.
"We are too close to you." Agent Hotchners voice cuts into the air.
I need him close to me. I don't want to be alone again. "I'm sorry, Hotch, please, I won't run away again, please I don't want to be alone, I'll be be better for you. Please." I might have earned it, but I can't handle separating myself from them.
There's a muffled thud barely distinguishable from what I think is my own heart and a buzzing that I'm not sure where it's coming from before Hotch is pulling me close to him. I ache, like somehow with out my noticing I've been someone's punching bag, I ignore that and push myself as much as I can into the embrace. He needs to know how important this is to me. I wasn't trying to lose this.
Hotches POV
Only a Prentiss could pull me this far out of my depth. Climbing into the back seat I settle next to Maddie, who had so quickly spiraled inward at a pace of which I'm still catching up.
Training indicates I should give her space, I shouldn't crowd her.
Scooting forward I unclip her seat belt to pull her trembling heaving form into my arms. "I've got you, deep breaths, I'm not going anywhere, your mine. It's alright, We are okay. I've got you, steady breaths, we are alright."
She needs to calm down before she draws up another flashback. JJ is looking at us with concern, but she seems equally as lost as I am.
" you said we were too close." Maddies voice creaks even as she tries to steady her breathing.
she's attempting to match her breath to mine. I deepen and slow my own breaths to help her. Her breathing stutters and she probably isn't even aware of the grip she has on my shoulder.
"Too close to be your therapist Maddie." I rub her back, she needs to know I'm here, and it's helping. The muscles are tense, but she isn't vibrating and trying to burrow herself into me.
"I'm scared. Hotch I..." she trails off as if she should be ashamed of this.
"what is scaring you?" This is not an easy admission for her.
"Talking about it, sometimes, if I think about that time, I'm back in that room and I know I'm not logically, but I can't always remind myself of that, and I don't want to lose you guys because sometime I can't think, and I do stupid things." She breaks off, her muscles are bunching up again under where I'm running circles on her back, she isn't pulling away.
"The therapist is going to help you find your way out of those moments quicker. Maybe help you find a way to recognize when your reaction isn't something you want. Someone you can talk to with out consequences." Consequences, an understatement a word she used to cope with trauma, to distinguish between danger, and safety she should never have needed it.
"I can talk to you with no consequences." That conviction she forces into her statement. The trust she finds the strength to give me it weighs on me she needs me to know the right thing to say. Emily what do I say to help her understand. I have to say something.
"Your right I will never intentionally hurt you for anything you say or do, your still afraid that you'll say the wrong thing to me. it's acceptable completely natural for you to feel pressure to regulate yourself. You are adjusting to a new way of interacting and viewing those around you. You need to be permitted to express your experience not just then, also now from your perspective with someone who is outside of your experience. " She's biting her lip trying to follow me, but It's not what I need to say. I try again.
It's alright to be confused or scared or frustrated or even angry with me, or JJ, or Morgan , Rossi , and Penelope, and even Reid at times. It's important to be able to talk through the moments where you are angry at one of us with out having to admit things you may not want to talk about with us. We are part of your experience, and we mess up. You deserve to have someone to talk about our mess ups with out confronting us, or feeling like you are betraying another. You are not always going to react the way you want to and having therapist to talk over those moments and let you understand your response, and reactions in those moments will be good for you." What a mess of a statement but she seems to pondering those words.
Sh nods. "Okay, I'll try to work with this therapist you choose." It's an offer, she's trying.
"Thank You" I won't comment on the uncertainty in her voice, you can't fault a child for being afraid of the dark.
Note from the Author
It's been years since I started this. I'm not the writer I was, but I like to think I'm better. If any of you have returned to this story Thank You, and welcome newbies.
I haven't seen all of criminal minds, and I take liberty to rewrite some of it. Hayley didn't die because it's fun to write a very human ex-wife for Hotch, and no one needs that storyline.
I started watching the show again so some of that is going to bleed through, but Maddie is going to change some things.
I'm working on various creative writing projects and decided to pick this back up and finish it to help me with that.
Before writing it I had never actually finished a story, now I have several short stories under my belt and am feeling good about continueing this as a bit of escapism.
The next chapter is almost complete.
I am going through and replacing really awful grammar with slightly less awful grammar, but will not be changing any of the plot or information introduced to the story.
Thanks so much for reading.